Title: The Definition of Happiness

Author: Lily

Characters/Pairings: Suzaku/Kallen, almost every Code Geass character imaginable

Summary: Kallen is cynical, distracted, and burnt out. Suzaku is trying to get through life without too much pain. Everyone else is in it for the lolz except maybe Gino who just wants to get laid. Throw in a café and a dysfunctional family of lovable misfits and maybe we can get a decent love story. Or, you know, not.

Warnings: Set in an alternate universe.

Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
And he told me that I'd done alright

You are my sweetest downfall

Chapter Two

There was smoke everywhere, empty beer cans and half-full glass bottles of alcohol littered the floor, tables and countertops and the music was pulsing through the dim room. Drunken partiers ranging from the ages of fifteen to thirty filled every room of Gino's parent's lavish mansion (as far as Kallen could tell, Gino, like Lelouch, had the potential to do more with his life than wait tables at the Love Jazz Café for the simple reason that he was filthy rich. The one time she brought this to Gino's attention however, his only explanation was that he wanted to learn what it was like to live as a regular person). Gino's friends, co-workers, acquaintances, ex-lovers and other miscellaneous people numbering in the dozens, were either fooling around in the bedrooms, pulling off spectacular dives into the large backyard pool, vomiting in one of the bathroom toilets, doing body shots in the living room, peeing in plastic potted plants, or dancing with wild abandon.

All of course, except for Kallen, who was sitting quietly with herself and listening to Gino's horribly out-of-tune singing.

"Heeeey nana, nana and a ho, ho, hoooo…"

"Okay you've clearly had enough." Kallen took the bottle of alcohol from his grip and hid it behind one of the sofa cushions.

Gino tried to swipe back his raspberry rum Bacardi bottle in a clumsy, exaggerated motion, but stumbled slightly on the spot and righted himself at the last moment, smiling a bit stupidly.

"Hey, Kallen…"

"Yes, Gino?"

"You're really pretty."

"Thanks, Gino."

There was a pause in which Gino toyed with the loose thread on his sleeve and Kallen sat back down on the couch, watching the people all around her get drunk off their faces with detached curiosity.

"Hey, Kallen…"

"Yes?"

"Will you marry me?"

Kallen looked up at Gino half-amused, half-exasperated, just as C.C plopped herself down onto the cushion beside the other female.

"How about asking Kallen when you're not so drunk?" C.C offered helpfully, and then added, "Or when you've got a ring?"

Gino nodded seriously. "That is a good idea."

"My ideas usually are." She agreed.

"I'll go get that ring." Gino slurred, his voice dropping to a whisper as he swayed a bit from side to side and leaned in conspiratorially.

"You go do that."

As Gino weaved unsteadily away, Kallen sighed and slumped against the back of the couch.

"Still sober?" C.C inquired, leaning back and looking utterly relaxed as she surveyed the red head beneath arched eye-brows.

"I have work tomorrow." Kallen replied honestly, having only taken a sip of some Stolichnaya before realizing that she really didn't want to get plastered and wake up tomorrow morning with a nasty hangover. She also didn't feel like drinking at a party, where there was a high chance of getting busted by police and getting caught in a compromising situation.
"Although I could ask the same of you." She added, noting that C.C was still as sharp and lucid as ever.

C.C lifted her shoulders in a slow shrug. "It takes a lot for me to be inebriated."

"That's handy."

Milly had politely declined the party invitation - rumour had it that she was going on a marriage interview. Lelouch had also opted out on coming, having declared that spending a weekend evening playing board games with his little sister was a better past time than getting absolutely smashed-slash-plastered (and since Rolo was never more than six feet away from Lelouch, he was naturally also with the Lamperouge siblings). Kallen couldn't blame Lelouch - she herself had no idea why she even came. She had her job at the local ice cream parlour to look forward to tomorrow morning and her head was starting to ache from all the lights and loud music and drunken people yelling incoherently - honestly, where had Gino gotten the smoke machine? And the disco ball?

Anya was standing in a far-off corner, snapping up pictures of people passed out in their own vomit like she was shooting for National Geographic. Rivalz sat a little ways away, cigarette caught between two fingers, beer bottle held in the same hand, with a petite blonde girl in his lap giggling. Nina was dancing rather provocatively with another female brunette. Shirley seemed to be in the throes of a creative peak as she huddled underneath the coffee table, scribbling madly away in a Hello Kitty notebook. Suzaku was eating a sandwich, strangely enough.

Kallen's eyes lingered on his silhouette against the light. Suzaku's clothes hung off his lean form and his deep green eyes were bloodshot and red-rimmed, baggy from lack of sleep, and he looked thinner. His cheeks were sunken, the cheekbones more prominent, and his hair hung limply, not as boyishly windswept as it normally was. There was an unlit cigarette perched behind his ear, his T-shirt was wrinkled and stretched oddly, and his jeans were stained.

He slumped against the wall and Kallen watched him, as he rubbed his face disconsolately and hung his arms over his knees, contemplating the floor while munching away on a ketchup-and-lettuce sandwich in one hand. There was a distinct cloud smelling of liquor, cigarette smoke, coffee, and ketchup surrounding him, and she couldn't help but wince and wonder how he managed to arrive here in the first place, for he looked lost and dazed and not all there.

"You are an idiot."

Kallen shifted her gaze quickly and pursed her lips. "How so?"

"The boy got in a fight for you," C.C said. "You'd have to be blind or a complete idiot to not understand the implications. And I know you're not an idiot; I've seen your old high school report cards."

"Thank you," Kallen said coldly, "but I have no idea what you're getting at."

"He punched a guy over you last Sunday. Chivalry apparently isn't dead so get over it. It's not like he forced you into a corset and told you to cook his supper." C.C continued, pin-straight hair glossy under the bright lights of the disco ball.

"I don't want to talk about something as stupid and pointless as this." Kallen coolly replied, keeping her expression less than interested but somehow managing to transmit a thinly-veiled threat in her eyes. "So drop the subject."

C.C gave her an unimpressed look but didn't say anything further.

Shirley suddenly abandoned her spot under the table and sat down heavily next to Kallen.

"I need help."

Glad for the distraction, Kallen took the bait. "With what?"

"Telling Lulu I like him."

It was a testament to how drunk Shirley was that she wasn't even blushing or stuttering at her admittance.

"I'm scared. He's a very pretty boy and I get nervous, Kallen. What if he doesn't like me? What if he likes someone else, like Milly or C.C, or what if he's gay? Oh, god, that would explain a lot and I'd look like such an idiot then, because we're supposed to be friends, aren't we, and if I haven't noticed by now that he's gay than what sort of friend am I?"

"Calm dow –" Kallen began, only to be cut off.

"Oh, no, what if he's in love with Suzaku and not me?"

Kallen nearly choked own her own saliva at the idea. "Shirley…"

"Maybe it's not even Suzaku. What if it's you? I mean, how come he's always treated you differently? He trusts you and he likes hanging out with you. Or C.C! He's always talking to her. He talks to her even when there isn't really anything to talk about, so what if he likes her and not me – actually, he probably doesn't even think about me outside of talking to me at work. What if he thinks I'm annoying? What if he really wants me to leave him alone and I'm not getting the message and I'm annoying him even more by hanging around him when he doesn't want me to?"

Kallen sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Or maybe he does like me and he's too shy to admit it. What if he thinks I'm too aggressive or outgoing and he's scared of me? Do you think I'm too forward, Kallen? What if he thinks I'm some sort of dominating sex goddess who's going to handcuff him in bed and play role-playing games with him?"

Kallen shook her head. "Shirley, what…?"

"Oh god, what if he's in love with Nunnally? I mean, they're really close and I know they're brothers and sisters but it's known to happen. Why didn't I see it before? Or - oh no! What if Lulu and I start dating and Rolo tries to kill me? You know how protective he is of Lelouch, he acts like they're brothers or something."

Rolo was a homeless orphan Lelouch had caught stealing strudels from the Love Jazz Café one day, but had treated him so kindly, the kid kept coming back just to stare at Lelouch behind dumpsters and lamp posts. In fact, Rivalz used to call him "Lelouch's little stalker". But Nunnally, being the gentle soul that she was, asked Milly if she could give Rolo a job. The rest was history.

Kallen herself didn't know Rolo very well - there had never been any opportunity for the two to hang out, let alone converse - not that they would, since neither one of them enjoyed small talk or was particularly yearning for one another's company - but she thought he was an okay enough person, if not slightly creepy and highly possessive to boot. If not for his own grudging like towards Nunnally (c'mon, who didn't like Nunnally? Her smile melted icebergs.), Kallen wouldn't have been surprised if Rolo just completely snapped and pushed Nunnally down a flight of stairs one of these days, just for the chance to spend ten seconds alone with Lelouch.

"I've been trying to write him a letter." Shirley went on, shoving her notebook in Kallen's face dejectedly who leaned further back against the sofa cushions. "But I need you to proofread it."

Kallen had no choice but to take the notebook into her own hands and briskly skim the words. She could make out Shirley's handwriting in black ink between the light blue lines, distinct against the white of the recycled paper. There were several sentences slapped down on the page which had been boldly crossed out, random notes in the margins, doodles of little hearts and bears in the top right corner, and a chunk of the paper ripped out at the bottom.

Dear Lulu,

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping

While you're far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure.

Yours truly,
Shirley Fenette

"Erm." Kallen said.

"What do you think? Too short? Too forward?" Shirley fired off rapidly and wrung her hands together anxiously. "Can you feel the emotions lifting off from the page and into your soul?"

"Aren't those the lyrics to Aerosmith's I Don't Want To Miss A Thing?" C.C leaned over to peer at the paper more closely.

Shirley blinked blearily down at her letter and swayed slightly on the spot.

"Let me get you a glass of water." Kallen said slowly and rather kindly as she reached over to softly pat Shirley's hand and stand up cautiously in case any sudden movements sent Shirley further over the edge. Shirley had always been a little weird when it came to Lelouch but the past few minutes had just proven that this was a whole new level of crazy.

"Just… stay here." Kallen instructed while a glassy-eyed Shirley continued swaying from her position on the couch. "Keep an eye on her." She added to C.C who was flipping through Shirley's notebook and scanning its contents with a small giggle.

The noise in the kitchen was quieter than Kallen had expected it to be as she walked in and searched the cupboards. The only other occupants in the kitchen was a trio of stoners sharing a joint and a half-bottle of expensive-looking whiskey they'd found under the sink. Kallen ignored them and focused on the task of finding an empty glass.

"Hey."

Kallen jumped a mile, knocking her elbow into the wall, and swore. "Fuck."

"You're not drunk are you?" Lelouch leaned down and peered at her, and Kallen smacked him away quickly and resumed reaching into the dishwasher to retrieve a clean mug.

"No," she snapped, turning the faucet on and swearing again when the mug slipped from her fingers and fell into the sink. Luckily, it didn't break.

"Well done," Lelouch said, smiling, as he reached in to pick the mug up delicately by the handle. Kallen roughly snatched it out of his hand and shoved it underneath the cold running water, waiting as it filled up. Lelouch was good-looking by anyone's standards; his hair was pitch-black, tousled and straight, and a bit long, covering the nape of his neck and falling into his dark, amethyst eyes. He was tall and skinny, with moderately broad shoulders and slim hips, and the smile on his face was genuine as he looked at Kallen.

"What are you doing here? I thought you weren't coming." Kallen questioned, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear before switching off the faucet. She imagined Shirley's reaction at seeing that Lelouch was here and hoped the other girl was finally going to spill out her undying love and just confess already. Maybe then, Shirley wouldn't feel the need to look at Kallen as a psychiatrist or a rival for Lelouch's attention anymore. Because that would sure be nice.

At once, Lelouch's expression subdued and his mouth was set in a grim line.

"Have you seen Suzaku around?"

"Yeah." Kallen made a vague motion with her hand towards the kitchen entrance and hesitated before adding, "He looked depressed."

Lelouch exhaled deeply and his eyes appeared to focus on something off to a distance further than the walls of the room would have allowed.

Against her better judgment, Kallen tilted her head and poked Lelouch in the rib. "What is it?"

Lelouch seemed to regard Kallen silently for a minute as if weighing some fateful decision in his mind. Eventually, he seemed to nod and lowered his voice an octave.

"Today is the anniversary of his father's death."

All of a sudden, Kallen wished he hadn't answered her question. Her mouth shaped itself into a small, silent 'O' and she adjusted her grip on the mug with hasty awkwardness.

"Genbu Kururugi was a high-class, famous politician - a real big shot. He committed suicide when Suzaku was ten."

An image of Suzaku flittered through her mind at that moment. Smiling one of his half-smiles, his eyes guarded with his tanned skin and chestnut hair. Lelouch seemed to be silently gauging Kallen's reaction before speaking again. The stark contrast between him and Suzaku, the two best friends, was striking. Whereas Suzaku was a full-fledged jock, Lelouch was a physically-inept chess geek of enormous proportions. Suzaku had a tendency to be rather impulsive, altruistic, and bold, while Lelouch was a bit more insensitive, cautious, and always had a hint of boredom in his eyes. Both were lean and tall, but while Lelouch was on the slimmer side, Suzaku was more muscular. Suzaku was tanner, Lelouch was paler, but in the end, their personalities clicked perfectly, and when they teamed together, they ended up making the impossible, possible.

"I didn't realize what a significant day for Suzaku it was today until a little while ago." Lelouch felt the need to explain and Kallen knew he had probably come straight here after tucking Nunnally good night.

"So, you wanted to see how he was." Kallen clarified.

Lelouch quirked an eyebrow in way of inquiry. "Yeah."

"Well he looks like hell."

He nodded as if he knew that that would be the case and followed her out to the living room.

However, the moment Shirley's glazed eyes rested on Lelouch's form as he emerged from the kitchen with Kallen at his side, she was on them like white on rice.

"Lulu!" She began, smiling sappily and stumbling over. "Lulu, I've waited so long to tell you this, but I can't keep it to myself anymore. I love you, you idiot! I love everything about you, your smile, your hair, that stupid maniacal laugh of yours... You have noooo idea how many times I've dreamed of getting my hands on that sexy booty of yours. I've wanted to make love with you for...what, a year now? Two? Three? Can't remember. It doesn't matter to me, just so long as I get a chance to finally be...with...with…Oh - oh my go- bleargh!"

And that was when Shirley upchucked her dinner all over Lelouch.

Kallen took several steps back, holding her hands up defensively, and observed the chaos that followed through wide eyes.

While Lelouch ran to the nearest bathroom to clean up, Anya led Shirley away to recuperate in one of the upstairs bedrooms. A small, amused smile could be seen spreading across C.C's face as she also left - most likely to engage in one of her favorite pastimes (which was teasing Lelouch).

All of this happened in the span of five minutes, and it wasn't until Suzaku's slightly raspy voice spoke up that Kallen realized she had backed up into his personal space.

"Want a bite?" He lazily offered her his half-eaten sandwich as if seeing Shirley emptying the contents of her stomach over Lelouch's shoes hadn't turned Kallen off from eating for a good while.

Kallen took one look at the offending food item and made a face. "No thanks."

Shrugging, Suzaku laid the sandwich down on the carpet beside him. The music pulsed and the lights flashed as she considered Suzaku's slouched profile, vodka bottle at his feet, the bite marks in the unlit cigarette perched behind his ear, and a pensive expression on his face.

"I'm sorry." She said suddenly, without thinking.

Suzaku gazed at her carefully. "It's okay. I won't get offended if you don't want some of my sandwich."

"No, not that, I mean -" Kallen cursed her inarticulate tongue. "I mean, about your - well, Lelouch told me that today is -"

"He told you that my dad's dead." and he said it with such seriousness that she paused.

"Yeah." Kallen said lamely and her eyes dropped and strayed to his broad shoulders to the slope of his slim hips, and she followed his long legs down to the ancient sneakers on his feet, which were covered by the tattered hems of his too-long, loose-fitting but not-too-baggy jeans.

Kallen wasn't expecting for Suzaku to let out a sharp bark of laughter, so when he did, she jumped, startled out of her reverie.

"I suppose he told you my dad killed himself." Suzaku said wryly, reaching behind his ear and contemplating the cigarette before throwing it away.

Something in Suzaku's voice sounded off to Kallen's ears. His tone was all wrong, hard and angry, and she wasn't used to seeing him that way. His face was a little flushed - probably from the liquor - as he narrowed his eyes at his feet. Hair fell in his face, shadowing his features. This was Suzaku, drunk.

"Well that's a lie. I'm the one who killed him."

She exhaled sharply, looking at him critically before ducking her head so her bangs tickled her cheeks.

"Suzaku, you're drunk."

"Yeah, I think I am." He squinted up at her. "But it doesn't change the fact that I killed him."

"What are you saying? You mean, that you feel responsible?" It came out harsher than she had intended, and Suzaku visibly flinched.

"No, I'm saying that I killed him. I fucking literally killed him with my own two fucking hands." Suzaku mumbled, head drooping, eyes shutting slowly.

It was the first time Kallen had ever heard him swear and oddly enough, it was that more than his confession to murder, that shocked her momentarily to silence. Swallowing hard, she found her voice after several beats of silence had ensued.

"Was it an accident? You were ten weren't you -"

Suzaku laughed again, drunkenly this time. "It was no accident. I meant to kill him."

They grew silent again, because Kallen knew inexplicably that he wasn't telling her that to come off as mysterious or enigmatic or to score some points. It was truth in its purest form, and it astonished her that she had seen more of him in this moment than all the prior months they'd known each other for. It was like someone had taped their lives and put certain aspects of it on hold.

"Do you want to know something about me?" Suzaku burst out

"Suzaku -"

"Do you want to know the truth?" He continued.

Kallen looked at him for a long moment. Finally she nodded.

"The truth is...sometimes I do things – without knowing why. Just to see if I can do it. Something gets inside me, there's noise in my head like static, I can't explain it." Suzaku's face went blank, his eyes apathetic and without any shred of feeling.

He spoke fast, spitting out the words like fire. "My father was a die-hard partisan who'd do anything to grab more power and use it. Even if it meant knowingly harming others. I… wanted him to stop. I couldn't stand it. That day I went into his office, he wouldn't listen..." Suzaku grimaced. "Which...it wasn't new, or anything. He never listened or paid me much attention…but. There was a knife on the desk. I don't know why there was but it was there. And I kept thinking – he kept yelling and I kept yelling, but all I could think was - what would happen if I did it? If I just...grabbed the knife and..."

Suzaku gripped his hair between his fingers, and it stuck up in odd spikes.

"He kept shouting – all this stuff... 'Settle down, I don't need this', and 'You don't know what you're talking about', and knocking me around a few times. And I just kept looking at the knife and yelling back and hating how he never cared enough- so, when he smacked me away and tried to leave...I just...stood up and picked the knife up, and -"

He looked down at his hands. "The thing was...it wasn't anything new. Nothing I couldn't handle. It was the same argument we always had. So why did I -"

Suzaku hung his head between his knees. "They covered it up and passed it off as a suicide. I guess they thought being ten years old was a pretty good defense for fucked up behavior."

Kallen sat down beside him. She folded her legs against her stomach and rested her chin on her knees. "Something must've been different." She whispered.

The silence wrapped around them both. Suzaku looked at her and she looked at him. He nodded mutely and fell into a deeper slouch, hugging himself and folding defensively.

This time, it was different because -

"He'd never hit me before. Never. Not until.. then."

Sometimes, Suzaku did things without really knowing why. Just to see if he could do it.

TBC...

A/N: A big hug to all you supportive readers out there. You make writing Suzaku/Kallen a rewarding experience.