The Weight of Us
by
A.K. Hunter
Chapter Three
"Some dreams are better when they end." — Damien Rice, "The Greatest Bastard"
Chills slipped through her skin, penetrating muscle and bone, cooling her blood and wrapping tight around her chest.
Menacing black eyes glittered down at her from the all-too-familiar face. Her abuser. Pain echoed across her frame as the cheap lace negligee abraded her skin. Pinned under the weight of his gaze, his body, his desire and anger, she was rendered helpless. Trapped. Nowhere to run. No escape.
She sucked bitter air into her lungs, her cry for help turning to frost upon exhale. His broad hand wrapped around her throat. Fractures cut into the icy shell her skin had become.
"You belong to me."
Ice spread through her synapses and the man on top of her gripped her throat ever tighter. "Mine," he promised. "You and that baby."
Her child lay still, long frozen inside her. They would be reunited soon.
A puff of air slipped through her cracked purple lips, and the face above her changed, empty black eyes shifting to cold, empty blue. His smirk sent one final chill into her soul.
"I'll come back for you."
Alexis jolted up, her heart working in overtime, her lungs desperate for air. She pressed shaking, cold fingers to her chest, finding comfort in the heat of her own skin, in the scar tissue that held her body together as much as it evidenced her ability to be torn apart. She was safe. She was alive. Her eyes skittered around, landing on the familiar details of her apartment. The locked deadbolt. The baby monitor on the coffee table. The door that led to her bedroom, where Rosie slept in her crib. They were both alive. Both safe.
She exhaled raggedly, wrapping her arms tight around herself as shudder rocked her body. Her apartment was cold. That much hadn't been a dream. She crossed into her kitchen, closing the small window she'd left open to let out the smoke from her old oven, and turned up the radiator. November was in full swing, bringing winter temperatures and more triggers than Alexis knew how to handle. She'd thought time would heal her wounds, but every reminder, from the cold floor under her feet to the fresh snow outside sent her back to that safe house, back to Sloane, back to a time when she fought tooth and nail to save her own life and the fragile life inside her.
Alexis pulled a throw blanket off of her couch and wrapped it around her shoulders, sending her tablet computer tumbling onto the rug. She'd fallen asleep working on an invoice for her father's P.I. business. With a soft curse, she picked up the tablet, sighing in relief that she hadn't lost her work. She set the computer aside, her feet automatically carrying her to her bedroom. She picked Rosie up from her crib, careful not to wake the tiny redhead. For a long time, Alexis held her daughter to her chest, breathing in her scent, savoring the rise and fall of her back and the way Rosie's unruly hair tickled her face. Tears pricked in Alexis' eyes, and she bit her lip hard to hold back the panic that burrowed under her skin.
They were both alive. Both safe and sound. Nearly a year removed from that trauma. Her dad and Kate and Joanna were just upstairs. Everything was okay. Maybe if she told herself a million more times she'd believe it.
A light knock on the front door pulled her out of her reverie, and Alexis glanced at the clock on the wall. It was nearly eleven, way too late for her dad or Kate to stop by. And wouldn't they have called first? She set Rosie back down in her crib and pulled her cell phone from her pocket. Nothing. Goosebumps raised on her skin as she approached the front door. Maybe someone was looking for a neighbor and had knocked on Alexis' door on accident. Yes, that must be it. Still, she kept the chain on the door as she cracked it open.
Rational thought fled, and Alexis forgot how to breathe. The world had dropped out underneath her. The only thing holding her in place was that haunting blue gaze. She simply stared, breathless, confused, scrambling to understand how Kevin Ryan could be standing on her doorstep.
"Alexis," he breathed, his eyes wild, full of longing.
Her name on his lips sent her insides into convulsions, and her fingernails bit into her clenched palm. His hair was longer, slightly curled on the ends. Unkempt stubble hugged his jaw line. His wrinkled slacks and gray button-up were understated, but clearly not cheap. The collar of his wool coat hugged close to the black scarf around his neck. All he needed was a cigarette between his lips, and he would have looked just like the man who had spent a fortune to hide her inside his apartment. Not Kevin, her Kevin, the Kevin she'd always loved, even when she didn't want to, but this darker, wilder man who was accustomed to getting exactly what he wanted.
He took a step forward, and Alexis moved back, panic hollowing out her chest as she half-hid behind her door. What was he doing here? Why didn't he tell her he was back in town? A dark, terrifying thought ripped through her mind. Was he going to try to take her away again?
His steps faltered. "Alexis?"
She shook her head. "Kevin," his name on her lips sounded foreign, wrong. The whole thing felt like a dream, and she wondered if she was going to wake up in her lonely bed. "What are you doing here?"
He stepped closer, just a few inches away, far enough that she could reach out and touch him, close enough that the tip of one shoe crossed the line into her apartment. She had never been so thankful for the chain on her door.
"I said I'd come back for you..." He trailed off. His words were too close to her nightmare, and fresh chills ran down her spine. "Let me in and we'll talk about this." He pushed at the door, her meager form of protection, the look in his eyes somehow earnest and crazed at the same time. Alexis saw the hunger of a man who had been left wanting for a long time and believed he was going to get his reward.
Dread weighed her down like stones in her stomach "I can't."
"Alexis? what's wrong?"
"I can't." She pressed her shoulder against the door, panic growing when it wouldn't budge. She hid behind the door, pressing her back to the aged wood. "Please, I can't."
"Alexis—"
"I can't, Kevin. I can't." She didn't know what she couldn't do, exactly. Talk to him? Let him in? It seemed equally impossible. She just couldn't. Not when fear hugged each heartbeat, not when her own skin felt like it didn't belong to her, not when her mind kept superimposing images from her dream onto the man directly in front of her.
"Alexis!"
His raised voice pulled a gasp from her throat and she froze, her heart banging against her ribcage so hard she was sure he could hear it.
"Sweetheart…" His voice had a softer quality to it, soothing against the rough, raw edges of her psyche, warming the chill that sent her mind spinning back.
Something like a sob rose up in her chest, and she clapped her hand over her mouth, desperate to keep it in.
"I've missed you so much," he said.
A sharp cry rose from her bedroom, echoing in stereo on the baby monitor. No, no, no, no.
She heard his intake of breath. "Is that—"
Alexis threw her full weight against the door, sliding the deadbolt and chain home as soon as it shut all the way.
She flinched as Kevin's fist pounded on the door. "I want to see her!" He beat against the wood with renewed energy. "Let me in!"
She slid down to the floor, her arms wrapped tight around her chest. Rosie cried on, oblivious to her mother's crisis.
"Alexis, please! She's my daughter, too!"
Hands shaking, tears blurring her vision, she pulled her cell phone from her pocket and dialed upstairs.
"Dad." Her voice cracked. "He's back."
If Rick was being honest with himself, he had hoped this day would never come.
He's back.
There had been no question of who his daughter was referring to. Rick had woken his wife before slipping shoes and a jacket on over his pajamas for the short journey downstairs. This was exactly why he'd pulled so many strings to keep Alexis in his building. He would be there when she needed him, any time she needed him; he wouldn't fail her again.
"Let me handle Ryan," Kate said to him on the short elevator ride. "You look after Alexis."
Rick nodded. It was for the best. If the writer had to confront the man who had abducted his daughter, he'd walk away bloody, likely with some criminal charges.
They heard Ryan's voice as soon as they stepped off the elevator.
"Alexis!" Pounding sounds punctuated his words. "Let me in! I need to see her! Please, just talk to me!"
The couple turned the corner, and heat burned through Rick's chest as he saw Kevin Ryan again for the first time in nearly a year. The man looked tired and disheveled and wild. Rick gritted his teeth. It would be harder than he'd expected to not get involved this time.
"Ryan," Beckett said sharply. "That's enough."
Some of the fight went out of the Irishman's eyes when he saw them. "I just want to see them," he said by way of explanation.
"And you think that showing up unannounced and terrifying my daughter is the way to do it?" Rick demanded. "Haven't you done enough already?"
"I didn't mean—"
"Why couldn't you just stay gone?"
"Castle," Kate scolded. "Remember the plan?"
Rick glared at his former friend, keeping his mouth shut as Kate pulled the crazed man down the hallway to the elevator.
"Come on, Ryan. I'll buy you a cup of coffee."
He waited until the elevator closed before pulling out his cell phone. "He's gone. Can I come in?"
Less than a minute later, he heard the deadbolt click and the chain fall loose on the door frame. The door opened to reveal a pale and tearstained Alexis, Rosie resting on her hip. His granddaughter watched him sleepily, a pacifier in her mouth. "I'm sorry I woke you," Alexis said. "I didn't know what else to do."
"I'm glad you called." He locked the door behind them. "Are you alright?"
Alexis hugged her daughter closer. Tears slipped down her cheeks as she shook her head. "I don't think I am."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not yet." Her voice broke, a sob slipping through her lips.
In an instant, Rick's arms wrapped around both of them. He'd seen his daughter cry countless times in the last year, and it never got any easier. He thought that a year would change the feeling of helplessness, the knowledge that there were broken pieces inside Alexis that he couldn't fix. It clearly wasn't long enough.
"You want to sleep upstairs tonight?"
He felt her nod against his chest. "Is that okay?"
Rick kissed the crown of her head. "Always."
"When did you get back in town?"
"Couple hours ago." Kevin fidgeted with his paper cup. He'd opted for hot chocolate. Thanks to his trans-continental flight, his body had no idea what time it was. Fatigue wore at the edges of his mind, pressed heavily across his shoulders, but caffeine didn't seem like a good idea. Unease and restlessness had already burrowed under his skin.
"And the first thing you decided to do was show up at Alexis' apartment?" Kate frowned from behind her coffee cup. "That was a pretty dumb move."
He fought the urge to glare at his former partner. "It's been a year."
"Exactly. You don't think she could have benefitted from a little notice?"
"I promised her I'd come back for her. How was I supposed to know she'd react like that?" He rubbed his face with a sigh. "I don't understand. She didn't want me to leave in the first place. She begged me to stay. She said–" He swallowed thickly. "She said she loved me." Alexis' pale, frightened face was seared into his mind. He'd had almost twelve months to imagine their long awaited reunion, and never had it occurred to him that she'd be afraid. That she'd hide from him and deny him the chance to see his daughter.
Kate set down her cup and fixed him with the penetrative glare she'd always reserved for suspects. "She's not the same person you left, Ryan. It's been a long and difficult year for her, and she's had to face most of it alone."
Guilt turned the sweet chocolate bitter on his tongue. He'd been so focused on his assignment, on simply getting home, on picking up where he and Alexis left off. Shame curled in his stomach as he realized that he'd never considered that she'd be going through a journey of her own. "So what do I do?" he asked. "How can I get through to her? Rosie's birthday's coming up..."
"For starters, you can't show up unannounced and expect her to welcome you back into her life. Let her come to you on her own terms. Give her time."
"But—"
"I'll get you an invite to the party," she assured him. "I promise. And in the mean time, you need to focus on getting your life back together so when Alexis does come to you, you'll have something to offer her."
He shook his head. The subtle accusation in her words sent his defenses flying up. "And here I thought we were two old friends getting coffee. You're here to yell at me, too?"
Kate eyes narrowed a bit, pinning him in his seat with the force of her gaze. "I'm glad you're back home, Ryan, but she's like a daughter to me. Castle was right; she's been through a lifetime of pain already. If you can't be the man we had all hoped you would be, then you're better off staying away." She stood up, her empty cup in hand.
"Wait." Kevin stood as well. He couldn't burn the last bridge he had with the people from his old life. "I'm sorry. Will you give her my number?"
She nodded stiffly, and he shared the number to his new cell phone. "Thank you, Beckett. I... You're the only one who has always given me the benefit of the doubt. You don't know what that means to me."
"I'll pass on your number, but promise me that you'll think about what I said."
"I will. I'll," he sighed, familiar insecurity taking root, "wait for her to come to me."
She nodded. "Give Agent Shields my regards." A small half-smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. "And Ryan, get some rest. You look terrible."
The brunette left him alone in the dingy, twenty-four hour diner. Kevin sat back down and rested his face in his hands. He'd waited a year to see her again, and now he had to wait some more. While a nagging, mean voice told him he deserved it, a much bigger, much more desperate part of him hoped she wouldn't make him wait too long.
Author's Note: So... I suck. Sorry you had to wait so long, guys. I don't think I've ever agonized over anything quite as much as this chapter. It took about eight different tries to get to this. I really, really hope you like it. Thanks so much to everyone who has reviewed. It's been a great motivator to see how many people enjoy this series. I hope you'll review again—I'd love some feedback, and I'll do my best to not make you wait so long for the next one.