James T. Kirk
"Janice…"
My Neck twisted; my teeth clenched together, the new scratches on my cheeks burnt up as I chased her around the room.
"Janice…"
My hands grew hot; my back becoming covered in a layer of sweat, the black shirt I was wearing sticking to my skin as my body jolted involuntarily.
"Janice…"
I forced myself onto her, even though I knew she hated me for it, begged for me to leave her alone, but that's what I loved most about her.
"Janice!" I shot up from the bed; my eyes wide and pupils dilated as I tried to catch a breath though shivering lips.
"What the hell is wrong with me?" I asked the darkness from both within myself and the lack of light in the room.
Rubbing my sore eyes with a glazed hand, I ripped away what blankets were left covering me and unsteadily stood. Almost falling over as I tried to make it to the bathroom sink to wash my face. Staring at the now healed scratches that Janice had all too deservingly left me with, I again asked myself the same question. But once more, I could not answer it.
Words couldn't even begin to grasp the idea of such a putrid emotion in a thousand words. Two, or three maybe, but I couldn't even begin to get the first word right, let along the next thousand. It was something I could feel, and only feel. My mind and heart were slowly departing each other, and it was becoming more and more difficult to pin point the exact problem.
"Stop pretending…" I mumbled to myself, the same words I'd viciously placed upon her neck as I held her tightly against her will.
I knew what the problem was; me. Would it have been different if she had consented? Would I still feel like a demon was taking up all the precious space that captains get for love, inside my heart? Would she still look at me the same way I did her? She'd changed, so much since she first came on board; but she'd managed to remain beautiful through out the whole process. With each new step of growth she took, she only seemed to be increasing that beauty within her internal and external soul.
Sliding the wet shirt off my back, I splashed a great deal of water over my face and neck, shivering slightly as the cold droplets ran down my back and chest.
I just wanted to crawl into a dark corner of space and bang my head against a brick wall until my eyes fell out. At least then I wouldn't be able to see the disinterested look in peoples' eyes as they talked to 'me'. More like talked to themselves; just using my empty face as an excuse to make themselves feel better in their own insanity.
Looking up at my distant bathroom mirror; my foggy image glaring back at me; I didn't know who he was any more; the face reflecting off the glass didn't belong to me, at least not any more.
"Jim"
My thoughts immediately came to a halt, my hands having to reach for the enclosed walls around me as the sudden voice of another knocked me off my feet.
"Sorry to startle you Captain" The intruder immediately turned his backside to me. "But when you failed to answer the con-"
"You… came to see if I was alright…?" I guessed; why else would he be here, I did manage to make it to the bridge last night did I not?
"Precisely Captain" Spock acknowledged
"Did you check the food banks too?" I asked as I wrapped a towel around myself and dried off.
"No" he said frankly "However I will the next time you neglect the communications system"
I gave a slight roll of my eyes at him as I finished putting on a fresh shirt.
"Spock" I placed my hand on his shoulder, he turned to face me once he realized I was dressed. "Why are you really here?"
"To make sure that the efficiency of the ship is kept up and running" He blatantly replied "Which includes a healthy and fit for duty Captain" He turned from the bathroom and walked to one of the replicators; sliding in an information disc and not a minute after; a plate of food appearing.
"Jim" He placed the dish on my desk "You will eat, that is a direct order from the ships doctor"
Sighing, I marched my way over to him, sitting down reluctantly as I picked up the fork and poked at the meal. "For some one who's so concerned about me, they certainly don't take the time to deliver the message in person"
"If you are referring to " Spock handed me a knife "As the ships Chief medical officer, he has many responsibilities and I'm sure he has a valid reason for the absence"
"I don't know about you but it almost seems as if he's avoiding me" I finally shoved some severely deformed food into my mouth. "I haven't seen him in what feels like weeks"
"Perhaps you have forgotten about his current assignment?" Spock suggested
"No" I put down the cutlery "No, I haven't… I could never forget" How could I about something that so easily pestered my mind 24/7. And even after her face faded from my mind, if it ever would, I could still never forget.
"Jim"
"Hmm?" I looked up; he was staring at me intensely, in concern perhaps? But then, who could ever have compassion for a person like me… for a monster.
"You clearly need rest" Spock stood from his seat "I'll leave you to do so"
"Spock…"
He stopped before the doors had a chance to open
"It's… been a while since we last played a game of chess" I simply said
"Will a match help you to rest Captain?" He asked.
I gave a nod, even though chess usually did the opposite
"Very well" He set up the game as I cleared my half devoured plate from the table.
"I will start" He made the first move.
The first few minutes past by with out conversation, mostly; just a quick word every here and there about the current status of the game, and if one of us had moved correctly or not. If only life was as simple as chess, or any game for that matter; you either won or lost, you made the wrong or the right move, everything was black and white with no grey patches in between to confuse and muddle things up. It was simple, unlike real life.
"Is there something on your mind Captain?" Spock moved a piece
"Why do you ask?" I lifted my eyes towards him
"Each interval between moves you make is increasing" He simply stated.
"There are a lot of things on my mind Spock" I finally decided which piece to move next "None of which I think you'd understand"
"Perhaps if you explained the situation to me?" He also took his turn
"I've already informed you of the doctors avoidance of me" I sighed, leaning into my hand.
"The doctor is a busy man" He argued
"It's not just him…" I paused in thought "It's every one… when ever I walk past a member of the crew, I can see it in their eyes…"
"See what exactly?" He pondered.
"They, look at me differently from before" I rubbed a temple "as if, I'm not the same Captain I was before"
"To what time are you referring to exactly?" He questioned.
"It's just speculation…" I lent into both hands "But ever since it happened, people just… act different around me"
"I presume you are referring to the incident between Yeoman Rand and yourself" He almost raised an eye brow.
I gave a quick nod, my eyes trailing away from the game.
"Why would anyone look at you differently, even if they knew every detail of the assault?" He looked at it logically.
"Isn't that obvious Spock?" I turned away from him "I'm a monster to them… and to me"
"Jim, the person who assaulted Yeoman Rand, was not you" He pushed the game aside, clearly it was not helping me to relax "He may have looked like you, been an internal personality that had come from within you, but he was not in any way the man who is sitting with me here today"
"Thanks for the compliment Spock but…" I paused "...it's not helping"
"Jim" He began to explain "even Vulcans have a violent personality buried deep within them, it is the dominant mind that learns to control those urges, and over time, becomes who you are. Unfortunately, you lost control over yours when it was extracted in the transporter malfunction; there was no way you could have stopped or prevented what happened with Janice Rand."
I sighed in frustration "Never the less Spock, it happened, and now both of us are paying for it"
Leonard McCoy
Days had past since I had seen the captain. Either we were both caught up in our work or subconsciously avoiding each others company, you pick, we were lost to ourselves. And I hadn't seen Spock around for a while as well.
It was three in the morning, in the middle of one of the corridors, I once again stumbled across Janice. Or better said, she was the one that stumbled into me. I expected her to say or just mumble something when she hit my chest and almost fell clean off her feet; but when I leaned her head back, and looked into her eyes, I noticed how full they looked; I couldn't make out what they were full of exactly, but I knew unfortunately, the emotion wasn't happiness.
"Janice" I whispered to her softly; trying to get her attention I knew she craved.
Her eyes flickered over to meet mine, before staring back at the wall behind me that was helping me to keep her off the floor.
"Doctor…" She uttered under her alcohol laced breath. She was in bad shape, almost to the point of poisoning, and I couldn't just leave her there. So I wrapped an arm around her waist and swung her arm over my shoulder and tried to get her to sick bay. But as soon as she realized where I was taking her, she tried to push me away and refused to go there. I'm not sure what it was exactly that scared her so much about the medical bay; maybe it was the thought of her last journey in there, or the smell of medicine and sick people, or just the long trip there that brought her negative emotions.
"Alright" I tried to assure her and changed the direction we were going. "I'll take you to your quarters instead"
She didn't protest as we took each step closer to our designation. When the door was finally in our sight, she wrapped her other arm around me and buried her face in my chest; perhaps she didn't want to look at the place the incident had happened, or perhaps she was just that drunk she needed extra support, I'm not sure, and I never will be.
I placed her down on her bed and grabbed the medical tricorder I always kept on me. But when I held it to her body, she again pushed my hand away.
"No, no medicine" She edged up the bed.
"If it makes you feel better" I tucked it away "but I'm not leaving you in this state"
She took her eyes away from me "fine"
For a while it was quite and peaceful; I sat on a chair beside her and watched as she twitched about in a conscious yet unconscious state of mind. I had almost fallen asleep myself when suddenly the sound of something hitting the floor instantly perked my senses to full alert.
When I looked up, she had some how managed to pull her self up off the ground and was heading somewhere; the bath room I soon enough found out, as she leaned over and hurled up alcohol into her bathroom sink.
"Easy" I pattered her back gently as I activated the water and washed all the vomit away. Which was easy seeming it looked like she hadn't eaten in a while and all of it was just liquid. When it appeared she was done for the mean time I sat her down on the floor and wiped her face with a cloth and tried to get her to sip a bit of water. I removed her shoes and helped her to her bed once more, covering her with a blanket and leaving a bowl on the table next to her encase she felt the need to release any more unwanted toxins from her body.
"Doctor…" She mumbled as she leaned over the bed, I quickly grabbed the bowl and placed it under her chin, but instead of vomiting like I expected her too, she wrapped her cold fingers around mine and placed them on her cheek. I smiled somewhat and left the dish on the table. She pulled my hand in closer to her and turned off her side onto her back, further pulling me in as she wrapped her other hand around my wrist.
Using my free hand, I pulled a blanket over her and moved the chair closer. She seemed to be content with me just sitting beside her for a while, until she again began to pull me in further to her.
"I trust you" she muttered into the palm of my hand
I wasn't quite sure what that statement meant exactly, but I had a fair idea about the truth the lay behind it. Giving up on the chair as my shoulder began to strain, I gently climbed over top of her to the other side of the mattress and lay beside her. She nudged her self closer to me by an inch, before finally I could hear the sound of her breath finally taking form of that of a sleeping mind, and only then did I myself dare to go to the land of the unconscious myself.
James T. Kirk
I firmly pressed my body to hers, and she to mine, as our lips joined. I had had my fair share of women over my life time, and could say all of them were a unique experience, but the one in my arms right now felt so much more different than all the others. When ever I visited a recreation room, or walked down the corridors, or stepped onto the bridge it was like every one was staring at me, but not in a positive way like they used to; in a negative way, as if their captain didn't deserve their respect any more, and they were right; I only wish I had listened to their silent voices before I had taken her back to her quarters.
Though I knew almost every one on board had their share of negative feelings for me, there was one women whom I'd noticed didn't stare at me for more than a split second when I past her; the one who was currently buried in my arms. Arnica Bride; her name glistened off the tip of my tongue when I whispered it in her ear as I kissed my way up her neck. I don't know why she let me in, maybe she didn't know, or maybe she just didn't care. But what ever the reason, she was here now, and already I was getting a gut feeling that was telling me to leave, and we'd only just made it through the door.
Perhaps it was just a physical drive of hormones that was making me slowly take off her garments, or maybe it was the monster inside me coming out for a turn. 'What am I doing?' I screamed at myself as she lay before me in waiting; it had only been less then a few weeks since I'd been in a similar place and situation with Rand, and yet here I was; unable to stop myself at tasting the flesh before me; unable to stop the memories of that night from flowing before my eyes, unable to keep Arnicas face from melting into that of Janice's, and blocking the horrid screams out of my ear canals.
"Jim? What's wrong?" She asked as I climbed off her.
"Nothing" I wiped the sweat from my forehead "I just remembered I was supposed to be some where else tonight" I made an excuse as I got up and quickly put on my uniform, leaving before further conversation could take place.
I knew it was a bad idea from the start; I should have listened to my instincts like I always did, but the perspiration covering my epidermal layer was telling me other wise.
"What the hell is wrong with me?" I leaned against the side of the turbo lift, watching the blinking of each deck as it quickly made its way down the ship. Taking my hand off the lever and halting the lift, I pressed my hot back against the walls and ran a hand through my hair. "What is wrong with me?" I asked again, but all that seemed to answer my question was feelings of guilt, anger, and ridicule; all aimed at myself and what I really was; my true nature; a monster.
"Are you alright Jim?" He moved a piece up a level "You seem to be distracted"
"What brought you to that conclusion?" I peered up at him. Spock and I had been having these little private chess games every day for a while now. Some days, they moved and finished quickly, other days they moved slowly and no one won. He knew a good strategy game or old book could usually take my mind off things, but some days, such as today, nothing could take my mind off what happened with Arnica last night.
"Jim"
My drifting eyes flicked back up at him
Spock looked at me curiously; an eye brow raised in confirmation "that could be an answer in its self"
"Sorry " I moved a piece "my mind's just a little distracted"
"May I ask why?" He too took his turn
I sighed; my eyes stumbling back to the carpet covered floor "I… did something recently. Something I shouldn't have"
"Do you care you enlighten me?" He leaned back in his chair; obviously giving me his full attention.
"Every one on the ship has hate into their eyes when they look at me" I talked to myself more than I was to Spock "but she… she didn't have hate in hers"
"I presume you are referring to the crew" He speculated
"I am" I sighed "She was so different, so unlike the rest of them, like Rand, and yet, the little red flag was in the back of my head the entire time"
"Jim" Spock lent forward in his chair "am I to understand the problem is you procreated with a member of the crew?"
"Your assumption is correct . Though I have no idea why." I ran a hand through my hair; sighing "Humans… are such strange creatures"
"Indeed" He seemed to agree with me.
Spock
I failed to understand Jim's motives; we had been growing so close over the last week or two, why had he done what he had? We were both out casts on the ship, both different from the rest of the crew, and I had always felt most comfortable around him than with any one else. I had thought our bond was growing stronger with each match, with each 'counselling session' as you might come to call it. But had all that hard work really just been flushed down the drain? I felt so furious, the emotional control I always managed to keep in place was dissolving into a melted puddle on the floor. As much as I knew it was illogical and wasn't her fault, I wanted to clamp my hands around Arnicas neck and strangle her for catching Jims eye and taunting him.
I growled deeply, even though I knew perfectly well she couldn't hear me, as a grabbed something, a PADD I think, and flung it at the wall, a chair soon becoming my next victim. My hands were shaking, my breath and heart out of order, my mind encased in a cloud of rage as I smashed my console. Vulcans were supposed to have four times the strength of humans; their green blood giving them superior gifts, but I certainly didn't feel greater then a nuclei floating in amino acid on a Petri dish.