I do not own any of the Twilight Franchise. I do however own a cardboard cutout of Edward Cullen…just kidding. But no…really.

Beta'd by the wonderful: wheather79

My Twitter is LauraHilary. There is a link on my profile. Check it out!

Seattle, WA

BPOV:

You're doing this to be a better friend to Rose. She's a great friend. Besides, you deserve this torture for pushing everyone away. I repeated those thoughts over and over in my head as Alice herded us around the mall.

"Bella, are you listening? Do you think Jazzy would like me better in the black thong or the black lacy boy shorts?" She looked at me like her life depended on my answer.

"Um Alice, how am I supposed to know what type of underwear that Jasper would prefer you in?" She sighed in exasperation.

Rose picked up a silky blue thong and threw it at me. "You'd look great in that color, Bella, but I guess it depends on the lover."

I blushed and threw the thong back at her. "What's that supposed to mean, Rose?"

"It means, I saw how you were looking at Edward last night, Bella." The mocking tone in her voice made me want to stick my tongue out at her.

"Edward? Bella likes Edward?" Alice questioned excitedly.

"I don't like Edward, guys. It was a coincidence that we even started talking last night. Anyway, he's a nice guy; it will never be like that."

Alice giggled. "Why? Because he's betrothed to some chick thousands of miles away?"

I sighed. "No, because I don't do relationships, and he and I are way too different. I can; however, see him being a great friend. So drop it."

Rose crossed her arms and scowled. "Fine, but I still say you like him."

Alice's eyes widened. "Bella, you haven't bought all that much. I can't let you go home with so few items." She was as serious as dog dirt.

"Alice, I live on a part time income. I can't afford to go on shopping sprees whenever I want. Besides, I really don't need that much. Let's just finish up here and then grab some food, okay?"

I could tell that it really bothered her that I had less than half the amount of shopping bags as she and Rose. "Let me buy you one outfit, and I swear we'll be done after that. And you get to pick where we eat. Deal?"

I sighed in defeat. "Okay, but nothing too fancy or expensive. Let's make this quick." She threw several different outfits at me to try on before deciding on a blue, long sleeved, pleated jersey dress. It was casual and comfortable so I didn't complain too much. I couldn't hold my tongue when I saw her throw in the silky blue thong with a matching bra. In true Alice fashion, she began humming a song and walked ahead of us. Rose smirked at me as I just shook my head.

oOoOoOoOo

I decided on Olive Garden for lunch. I was gaga for their breadsticks and salad. Rose decided to push her luck and bring up Edward again. "Edward's favorite color is blue, you know. I heard him tell Esme when she was asking him about bedspreads."

I rolled my eyes. "And just what am I supposed to do with that information, Rose?"

Alice snorted. "Well, duh, Bella. You have a new blue dress and beautiful blue lingerie. What do you think you're supposed to do with that?"

I slammed my salad fork down on my plate. "What did I tell you guys about this earlier? I. Do. Not. Like. Edward. Besides, did either of you notice that he's Amish? I'm pretty sure that his morals include no sex before marriage. There's no way he's ever going to see me in lingerie, so cut the bullshit!"

Alice laughed again. "Isn't the whole point of this exploration thing to go a bit wild?"

I scoffed. "I don't think that's what it's about at all. If he wanted to go wild, he could have done that back in…well, wherever he came from." I picked my fork back up and stabbed at my poor, defenseless salad.

"Missouri. That's where he came from. But okay, Bella, we'll stop teasing you about it." Alice quietly slurped her soup. Rose; however, had a smug look on her face as she chewed on her breadstick. I didn't even want to know what she was thinking. They were evil. Pure evil.

We went our separate ways after lunch and I was more than excited to get back to my apartment. I collapsed onto the couch and pulled off my shoes. I had just closed my eyes when I heard the chime from my phone signaling that I had a message. Hmm, I must have forgotten something in Alice's car. I clicked around on my phone until I reached the text message inbox. I didn't recognize the number.

Bella- Emmett taught me how to text message. He says it's way better than calling. I don't agree. However, I thought I'd impress you with my new texting skills. -Edward

I smiled and quickly texted back a reply.

Edward- I am very impressed! However, I do agree that calling is much better. -B

After what seemed like forever, I hadn't received a text back. I threw my phone onto the bed and started to walk away, but before I could get too far it began ringing. I ran back to the bed and grabbed my phone, pressing the accept button eagerly. "Hello Edward."

He chuckled lightly. "Hello Bella. This is much better than text messaging. I'm very slow at it."

I laughed. "Don't worry, everyone is at first. You'll get the hang of it soon."

Edward sighed. "I hope so, but the reason I was calling is, well, I remembered that you said you liked coffee. I wondered if maybe you would like to join me for a cup tomorrow afternoon?"

My heart began to race with excitement. "Sure, of course! What time were you thinking?"

He hummed before answering. "I have a class at two. How about 3:30?"

"Sure, I work until 3:30 at a bookstore. There's a really cool coffee shop across the street if you want to meet there."

"Okay that sounds great, Bella. Just, er, text me the directions if you will?"

I giggled. "No problem, Edward. I can do that."

We said our goodbyes and then hung up. I flopped onto the bed and smiled, that is, until I got a text from Rose telling me to wear blue tomorrow. I pictured her and Emmett standing outside Edward's door eavesdropping. Poor Edward, no matter what he does or where he lives, all of his actions are scrutinized. I decided to clue him in.

E- You might want to check for eavesdroppers at your door, just saying. -B

I waited for his reply and smirked at his response.

B- Emmett and Rosalie apparently think the house has mice. They are currently standing against the wall claiming that they can hear them. -E

E- That's a pretty creative story for those two. Tell them that you caught one earlier and didn't know what to do with it so you set it free. They will flip. -B

B- You were right. Rosalie screamed. Emmett said a few choice curse words, and is standing on the bathroom counter. -E

E- LOL (laugh out loud). See you tomorrow, Edward. -B

B- See you then. -E

I laughed for a good five minutes after that. It felt amazing and it made me all the more excited to see my new friend tomorrow.

oOoOoOoOo

Monday morning was a blur to me. I had woken up late due to sleeping right through my alarm. I was glad that I had showered the night before or else I might have been meeting Edward with greasy hair. The day was slow with so few customers. Yep, Monday's at the bookstore sucked. When 3:30 finally rolled around, I took off my Books N' Nooks apron and quickly smoothed down my long sleeved green shirt and dark wash jeans. I breathed a sigh of relief and headed across the street to Foam.

Upon walking through the door, I was hit with the aroma of delicious coffee and blueberry scones. Heaven. Looking around, I spotted Edward at a table in the back corner of the café. He was reading The Crucible again. I smiled and headed towards him.

Edward looked up and gave me a warm smile. "Bella, it's nice to see you again." He stood up and pulled out a chair for me.

I raised my eyebrows at his gesture. Was that something that all Amish boys are taught to do? It was nice. "It's nice to see you too, Edward. I see you're reading more of your book. Are you still enjoying it?"

Edward shrugged and shook his head. "Not really. The characters are so naïve. It disturbs me how a whole town, or world, can just base their judgment on a person from what someone else says." His forehead creased and I wanted badly to smooth it out. I started to understand a bit more of what Edward may be going through. Maybe I would never truly understand, but I could see that he was having an internal struggle.

"Edward, tell me more about yourself. I want to hear more about your life before coming here."

He held a finger up and grinned. "I will, but first we need coffee and dessert." I agreed and watched happily as he went to order. Edward returned shortly with two black coffees and two blueberry scones.

"Has anyone ever told you how awesome you are, Edward? I mean, it's like you read my mind about what I wanted."

Edward flashed me a crooked grin. "So, where should I begin? Do you have any questions?"

I pondered that for a moment. I had so many questions, but what were the main ones that I wanted him to answer? "Okay, question number one. What is a day in the life of an Amish man and woman like?"

Edward took a sip of his coffee before answering. "Typically, the man of the house gets up around five in the morning. He goes to the barn to feed the animals and milk the cows. After that, he joins the family for breakfast. Depending on the time of year, the fields are prepared, planted, or harvested. Supper is had, and the cows must be milked again after that. The women awaken around the same time and usually assist with the milking, as it can be a big job depending on the number of cows a family owns. They prepare breakfast and clean the home, and laundry and such is done. Occasionally, they help with the fields. Then there are the responsibilities of taking care of the children, which is a whole other job within itself. Oh, and sewing is something I see my mother doing often."

I shook my head in awe. "Most people I know wouldn't last a day in that life. It must take a lot of strength."

Edward shook his head as if he disagreed. "It's just our normal life, Bella. There is no other option."

To be honest, it sounded like hell. Maybe I was just lazy. "Tell me about what the children do."

He smiled. "Well, we go to school like everyone else. Of course, we're only required to go until the eighth grade. We also have chores and duties around the farm."

I took a bite of my scone and thought about everything he'd told me so far. It was a lot to take in. "What do you do after the eighth grade? Just farming and stuff?"

He tilted his head to the side. "Not really. I mean, there's that but we also learn other trades and apprenticeships. I, uh, I like carpentry. If I go back, then I'll make furniture and sell it on the side of farming." Edward cleared his throat and played with the lid on his coffee.

"Are you any good? I'd like to see your handiwork sometime." A frown played at the corners of his mouth, and I wondered what was going through his mind.

"Bella, do you enjoy having casual relationships?"

My chest became heavy with the subject change. "I used to, at first. It made me feel powerful, like I was in control, and I felt invincible. After awhile though, I just became numb." My head lowered. I didn't want to look Edward in the eyes because I knew I would feel ashamed.

"You should stop. It's not good for your soul. You're only fooling yourself if you think that you're not hurting." The silence between us was thick. I finished the rest of my coffee and began chewing my lip. Edward sighed and then put his hand out, where it hovered over mine for a second before lowering on top.

"I'm sorry, Bella. It's not my place to say anything or to judge. I barely know you."

I felt warm tears filling up my eyes as I looked up at him. He was right and it hurt. "No, Edward, you're right. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm not going to."

He squeezed my hand. His touch was warm and rough, and oh so comforting. It made me want to tell him all of my deepest, darkest secrets and fears. Why did Edward have this effect on me?

I sighed and smiled. "So Edward, how would you like to start crossing things off your list? It looks like there's an open computer over there. I could show you how to use the internet."

He nodded and gave me a brilliant grin. "Sure, but I'm still holding out for the driving lesson."

I widened my eyes in mock horror. "Are you sure that you want me to be the teacher in that lesson?"

Edward stood up and grabbed my hand. We made our way over to the computer, where we ended up spending the rest of the evening.

oOoOoOoOo

That night, I lay in bed thinking about all I had done over the years. I thought about all the changes I wanted to make in my life. I wanted to open up to Rose like I had with Edward. I would tell her everything if I needed to, because she deserved the truth. In order to do that though, I'd have to relive the details of that night. As a naïve teenager, I didn't think it was so bad at the time. I was used to James' behavior, but I knew now that the way he treated me wasn't okay. I squinted my eyes and thought about how that night started.

We were at Tyler Crowley's party on the beach. The excitement of freedom hung over all of us and I felt the need to really let loose. Always the good girl with great grades, I was never late for curfew even though I'm sure Charlie wouldn't have been too angry if I had been. James was the only thing in my life that didn't match. He was popular and considered a bad boy. He wanted me though, out of everyone. I was so lucky.

"Hey Rose, have you seen James?"

She danced around me and shook her head. "Nope! Some of the other college guys were huddled over there drinking. Maybe that's where he is."

I thanked her and walked towards the crowd of guys. They were laughing loudly and I spotted James standing with a beer in his hand. It didn't bother me that he was drinking. I knew he did while he was away at college and I didn't have a problem with it. But he was crazy if he thought I was going to let him drive tonight.

I put my arms around his waist and looked up at him. He looked down at me and glared. "What do you want, Bella? I'm busy."

My cheeks flushed. "I just wanted to come and see you. I missed you over there."

He rolled his eyes. "How about we just get out of here and go back to my house? Mom and Dad are gone for the weekend."

My stomach erupted into butterflies. We usually had to be really careful where we made out. His mom and dad were really conservative. A little privacy would be nice. "Um okay, sounds good. I'll drive." He smirked in response.

As soon as we arrived at his house, he pulled me by the wrist to his old bedroom. I bit my lip, feeling anxious. We'd never been in his room without his parents being there before. James pushed me onto the bed and I hit my head on the wall. "Ouch! That hurt, James."

He lay down on top of me and began kissing and sucking on my neck. "You like that, Bella baby?"

I nodded as he made his way down my chest. When he reached my breasts and pulled my shirt up, I grabbed his hands and shook my head. "What are you doing?" I asked him breathlessly.

"Don't you want to do a little more than just kissing for once?" His tone was irritated. I let go of his hands and tried not to flinch when he bit down on my nipple. "J-James." I felt something hard on my leg, and my eyes widened when I realized what it was. "James. James."

He looked up at me, clearly annoyed. "WHAT, Bella?"

I meekly replied, "Are you wanting to, you know?" He smiled. "Don't you Bella?" I shook my head. "I thought we would wait until we're married, James. It's important to me."

James scoffed. "Dammit Bella, what's the difference between now and then? We're going to be together forever. It shouldn't matter."

I thought about it briefly and nervously answered. "But James, we could get married soon. If you want to do this, can't you wait a little longer?"

He shook his head. "No, Bella, I can't. I'm the only guy that's not fucking his girlfriend. I look stupid. Do you not want me or something Bella? Huh, is that it? Maybe we should just take a break."

I started to panic when he stood up. "No, no, no, James. Please don't, I love you."

James laid back on top of me and kissed me roughly. I didn't try to stop him when he pulled my pants off. He took off his own and moved in between my legs. Pulling me closer, he thrust inside of me forcefully. I cried out in pain as he moved in and out. I bit my lip and held back my tears. I knew it was supposed to hurt the firs time, but this was horrible. I tried to sit up but he pushed me back down and pinned my arms to the bed. "No, let me." I stopped struggling and let him continue. After another minute, he moaned and collapsed on top of me. He sighed and pulled out abruptly, causing another twinge of pain to shoot through me.

James pulled on his jeans silently and walked out of the room. I heard the TV flip on shortly afterward. Dressing quickly in my own clothes, I wobbled on unsteady legs into the living room. "Uh James, I'm kind of tired. Do you want me to stay the night? I can call Charlie…" I trailed off hesitantly.

He didn't even look up from the TV when he answered. "Nah, I'll take you home."

I didn't object to his driving even though he had been drinking earlier. I just wanted to get home and go to sleep. Once I was in my bed, I cried until my pillow was soaked, grieving for my innocence and wishing away the burning pain between my legs.

I forced my eyes open and realized that my face was covered in tears. I felt so cold and longed for someone to hold me and tell me that they loved me. I didn't want to be used anymore. I didn't want to use anyone else anymore. I wanted a real relationship.