A Match made in Hell

by Ri2

The Keybearers have been forcefully invited to the event of the year: Maleficent's wedding. Yes, you heard me. And you'll NEVER believe who the groom is... Pt. 3 of the epilogue is up. All done. Let's celebrate

3. Exploring the Castle Perilous

Well, I'm glad to see I've caught you readers' attention. Hopefully, this chapter will hold more surprises and laughs for you…and a bit more angst and horror as well, but longtime readers of my work should be familiar with such contrasts, and would also be aware that I often compensate for such seriousness with extra-funny comedy. Hope this entertains you as much as it entertained me writing it!

Longtime readers will also notice how long this chapter is, and probably not be surprised. For those of you new to my style, my apologies, but I can't help being rather prolific when it comes to writing.

Disclaimer: The characters within belong to Square Enix and Disney, not me. Except for one or two of them.

…

Kairi was becoming more and more certain that they were either lost, or they had the wrong map, which come to think of it would also mean they were lost, which meant either way that something was very wrong.

I don't think this hallway is on the map, Namine said in confusion as they walked aimlessly from one passageway to another. Or that one…or that one…

"Did we get the wrong map?" Kairi voiced her fear.

I don't think so…it seemed like the right map when the Dusks gave it to us… Namine didn't sound very certain, though.

"And yet we're completely lost."

There is that, yeah.

Kairi sighed and walked to the end of the hallway, exiting and finding, to her surprise, that she was in a gallery circling the great central shaft that ran up and down the heart of the keep. She stared in disbelief, glanced back down at the map, and scratched her head in abject confusion. "Okay, this can't be right. Even if the map was wrong, I'm pretty sure we've been heading down and away from this shaft ever since we left the boys…but now it looks as if we're even higher than when we started. And I don't recall walking up that many staircases or using upwards-going elevators. What the heck is going on here?"

If I didn't know any better, I'd say that the castle's reconstructing itself around us… Namine said. No wait, that must be exactly what's happening.

Kairi rolled her eyes and crumpled up the map in her hands, which she was now sure was completely useless. "Of course. Maleficent couldn't just make it easy for us, now could she?"

Nope.

"Figures."

Want me to portal us back to the room?

"Sure, though I doubt there's much to do there until the boys get back…then again, maybe they got lost and gave up too." Kairi gasped, getting a horrible thought. "Oh no! Riku can't portal back if he gets lost! How will he find us?"

His nose, remember? He can just follow his own scent back.

Kairi blinked. "Will that work?"

I think it should. Zexion did it a few times…I think.

Kairi sighed. "Okay then. But if he doesn't come back, we'll all have to go looking for him, right?"

Right. And with that, Namine and Kairi switched places. The auburn-haired young lady turned blonde, and her pink outfit with many zippers was replaced by a simpler white dress. Namine blinked her large blue eyes, squinting a little at the light from the Heartless and Nobody insignia-shaped lights overhead and other illumination in the shaft, and started when the nearest wall of the gallery facing the shaft unfolded outwards with a loud rumble, and several floating platforms with spiked bottoms converged in the middle of the great expanse from out of nowhere, hovering in place to form a long bridge or staircase of stepping stones leading directly across the shaft to a door set higher up in the wall, a wall which was not part of the level in which Kairi and Namine were now on. "Wh-what was that?" asked an alarmed Namine.

I think somebody was waiting for you to do that, said Kairi, tensing from her current position in Namine's/her own heart or mind or wherever. It looks like we've been expected.

"What should we do?" Namine asked anxiously. "Go forward, or go back to the room?"

Well…it's your choice. Since this path appeared the instant we switched, I think that means it's for you.

"But who would possibly be interested in-" Namine stopped. She glowered. "Zexion."

Sounds right.

Namine sighed. "Well, if that's the case I might as well indulge him. If I don't play his mind games…" She trailed off, not really wanting to go there. As a memory witch, she knew all too well the pain of bad memories, especially her own. She laughed it off nervously. "Well, he'll probably just rearrange the castle so we're right back here again. Might as well. Right?"

Namine… Kairi said carefully. If…if you think this is going to be painful in any way…we can just portal away. Reshaping the castle's hallways won't mean a thing if we just use a dark corridor to head right back to our room.

Namine took a deep breath. What she wanted most right now was to do just that, to run back to the room and hide under the covers until Roxas/Sora got back so she wouldn't have to think about Zexion or the Organization or anything that had happened to her since her 'birth' while she dwelled in the lairs of the Nobodies. She wanted to leave, now, before her memories overwhelmed her and she screamed and screamed and didn't stop for a long time.

She found herself walking forward, her feet moving almost of their own volition, and taking her to where the gallery ended and the shaft began, the first step of the 'staircase' of floating platforms hovering patiently for her. She stood there, motionless, for what felt like hours. Then, she stretched one leg out, planted her foot onto the platform, and stepped on.

Things from there seemed like a blur, passing right through her short-term memory and out the other side as she slowly hopped up the platforms to the doorway. Wyvern and Gargoyle Heartless swooped around her, their yellow eyes watching in curiosity (or hunger) as the former Nobody climbed up the stairs. In what seemed like mere moments, she stood before the rectangular, innocuous white door. She gazed at it for several more moments, as if contemplating it, her hand outstretched halfway to touch the doorknob.

Namine! Namine!

"Hmm?" The blond blinked.

Namine, I've been yelling at you for the last ten minutes! Kairi said; her voice filled with desperation and relief. What's wrong?!

Namine blinked, still staring at the doorway. "I don't know…" she said slowly.

Turn back. This is all wrong.

"You're right," Namine agreed faintly. "It is wrong. But I can't turn back."

Why not?

"I never could. Not ever," she said softly. "I never had a choice, even when I thought I did. I don't now."

…What are you talking about?! Kairi screamed.

"I don't know," Namine admitted calmly. Her hand snatched out and turned the knob. Namine wasn't sure whether she had done it consciously or not. She didn't think it really mattered.

The door opened. The door closed. Namine had stepped through the opening before it shut, and into…

Her pupils shrank. "No," she whispered. "No. NO!"

It was a medium-sized, completely white room. The floor was white, the ceiling was white, and the walls were white. Even the furniture was white, not that there was much of it. There were two chairs, a small table, a bed, and a very large transparent crystal ball sitting on a metallic holder which was, of course, white. The only thing that wasn't white was a small empty gold birdcage hanging from the rafters in a small corner of the room. The walls were featureless save for little reliefs of roses and Nobody emblems in lieu of wallpaper.

To anyone else, the room would have seemed a little weird, but not particularly dangerous or frightening. But for Namine, this place held nothing but sheer, abject terror.

"No," she cried again, trembling and falling to her knees. "Not here! NOT HERE! No! No! NOOOO!" She grabbed her head, hyperventilating, her eyes shrinking in panic. "Nonononononotherenotherenotherepleasenotherenottheroomnottheroomnononononononononoooooooooo!"

Namine! Namine, what's wrong?! A horrified Kairi screamed. Namine, in the throes of madness, ignored the voice in her head, shaking and mumbling frenzied denials and pleas. Namine! Namine! NAMINE!

Namine's eyes darted wildly all over the place as her chest shook. She was on the verge of throwing up. "Idon'twannagobackdon'twannagobackpleasepleasepleasenotherenotherenothereIdon'twannagoIdon'twannagoNOTHERE!"

Her heartbeat sped up rapidly, almost dangerously, from her stress. She wobbled, on the verge of passing out, darkness forming at the edges of her vision. Kairi's desperate cries went unheard, the only sound Namine could hear the palpitations of their shared heart and her crazed murmurings, until…

A hand grabbed her shoulder, hard. "That's enough," said a voice as black as a shadow in this pure white space. "That's enough, Namine! Stop!"

She did. In a flash of light, Namine was gone, a confused and distraught Kairi taking her place as the blond retreated into the deepest depths of their shared mind. Kairi gasped, covered in sweat, shaking from the sudden transition and the horrible panicked condition her body was in. She took a few very deep breaths to try and calm down; relaxing when her heartbeat slowed and the sound of blood stopped rushing through her ears. "Namine?" she coughed, her lungs still a bit out of order. "Namine? Speak to me!"

There was no response, save for the faintest hint of a whisper in the back of Kairi's subconscious. Wherever Namine was, she wasn't going to come out anytime soon.

Eyes flashing in rage, Kairi sprung to her feet and whirled around, Keyblade forming in her hand as she glared at the black-cloaked Zexion. "What did you do to her?!" she screamed. "What did you do?!"

"It was an experiment," Zexion said calmly, not particularly worried, since the Truce spell would keep Kairi from ripping him apart. "I was curious to see how Namine, a former Nobody, would react to being put back in her original environment, where we kept her while she was in the Organization's care. Thanks to the heart you share, I expected the true emotions she experienced would be intense, but I had not thought her reaction would be this volatile or self-destructive. I suppose this means the heart is a far greater source of emotional power than I thought…that, or Namine has not yet become skilled enough to control her new emotions properly. Interesting."

"You…you made this place look like her old room just to see how Namine would react?!" Kairi snapped, wishing the Truce weren't on so she could cave Zexion's head in. "You bastard! Of course she'd react negatively! She hated it here, and whatever you Organization jerks did to her must have been so traumatizing she's never spoken of it and has always diverted talk away from it! Even Roxas has been reluctant to say anything about it, which must mean it was really bad!"

"Is that so?" said Zexion, sounding faintly surprised. "He hasn't told you? Hmm, on second thought, I suppose that makes sense. After all, you'd probably think less of him because of it, what with you Somebodies tendency to look down on those who differ from your norms and values."

Kairi blinked. "What? What are you talking about?"

Zexion smirked. "You really don't know, do you? Allow me to explain. You clearly are suffering from the delusion that just because Roxas is your boyfriend Sora's Nobody, his shadow so to speak, that Roxas acted like Sora when he was a member of the Organization. That he was a nice guy at heart. Only, he didn't have a heart, you see. So he was in fact very little like Sora at all."

"…What are you saying?" Kairi asked warily, not liking where this was going.

"You see, Princess, the reason Roxas hasn't told you much about what we did to Namine is simple. If he did so, you would think less of him, because many of those things he did personally," Zexion said matter-of-factly.

Kairi stumbled, feeling for a moment as if the world had dropped out from under her feet. "Wh-what? What did you just say?!"

"Roxas was nothing like your precious, kind-hearted Sora when he was Number XIII," Zexion clarified. "He was as much a heartless, cruel, killer as any of us were. Perhaps more so, which makes me wonder if perhaps that's part of why he and Axel got along so well, since they were both some of our best murderers…among other things. The change in his personality you're familiar with is rather recent, either something my former mentor did to him or some by-product of sharing a heart with Sora, much as Namine has changed in emotional output thanks to sharing your heart."

"…N-no. That can't be true," Kairi denied. "Roxas couldn't have-" She stopped, recalling Roxas' comments when they had first arrived in the shaft about horrible things he had done, as well as regrets…or perhaps the lack of them. She then also remembered Namine's comment about erasing her own memories once before, and for the first time realized why she might have wanted to do that. "Oh no," she whispered. "Roxas, what did you do?"

"Many things," Zexion said. "He's single-handedly killed hundreds, if not thousands or millions, of people, as well as quite a few worlds, during his time with the Organization. He wanted a heart as badly as the rest of us, and so saw nothing wrong in doing whatever he deemed necessary to get that heart…even if it involved tormenting the resident memory witch, like the rest of us."

"But…but Roxas loves Namine," Kairi protested. "And she loves him. How could they still care for each other, if…"

"If Roxas tortured her or did worse?" Zexion finished. "For the same reason you would probably still love Sora no matter what he did, or what he became, because of the bond between your hearts. Even though Roxas and Namine had no hearts, as your shadows they had a shadow of the same bond. But, being Nobodies and therefore lacking the proper ability to generate emotions, that bond was expressed in ways you Somebodies would probably find most distressing. In fact, you could almost say that that bond compelled Roxas to harm Namine…just as that same bond forces Namine to forgive him for it. At least, that's my theory. How interesting, that virtually every aspect of your Nobodies' lives is shaped by their other halves."

Kairi was speechless for a moment, turning Zexion's words over and over in her mind for some hint of a lie…but she could find none. Feeling rather weary all of a sudden, she sat down in one of the stark white chairs. "So…so that's why Roxas hurt her?" Kairi asked quietly. "Because he loved her but didn't understand it?"

Zexion shrugged. "I suppose so. Of course, that doesn't explain why he did all those other horrible things, does it?"

"…No. Why did he do that?" Kairi asked.

Zexion was silent for a moment. He glanced at one of the walls, as if something of great relevance was there, before speaking again. "It's part of being a Nobody. At least, that's what all our testing and experiences seem to indicate. When a Somebody becomes a Nobody, the Nobody retains their memories of life to some extent, or they do when they take on human form like those in the Organization. The problem is, without emotions we lack the context to properly understand those memories. All we have is the memory of emotion, and while that helps us emulate actual feeling…it's not enough. Memories alone never really are." He looked back at Kairi. "And because you can no longer really understand what your memories meant or why you did what you did while you were alive…the mores and rules you used to follow, your morals or personal code of conduct, stop making sense. You stop feeling guilty for doing things that you used to consider bad, so you see no reason not to do them. On the other hand, you have no real motivation to do those things either, since you can't feel any joy or pride in accomplishing it. Just emptiness." He sighed. "Since our emotions are gone and morals seem meaningless, so do all of the higher causes or philosophies we once believed in. Only physical things start to matter. But those don't bring us any satisfaction at all, just like the loss of our morals, but since it's the only thing left we can grasp or understand in the slightest it's all we have, and so we cling to it all the tighter. As a result, we often resort to base cruelty or violence, since those are basic human instincts and don't go away with our loss of emotion. In fact, they're more likely to appear, since our inhibitions are gone too, but since there's no pleasure in being violent or not being violent, only those who have the strongest memories of enjoying it in life partake in it the most, out of habit more than anything else. And, since those memories may be all they can cling to, their expression of those behaviors becomes that much more exaggerated and dangerous. As a result, every one of us becomes capable of killing without remorse, though for some it comes easier than others. Even those who deny it, like Demyx, don't really feel anything at all after they've done it. For all his whining and complaints, he really had no more trouble drowning all those villages or continents than Axel did in burning down all those orphanages and cities or forests, or Saix did in decimating the populations of entire worlds and drinking their blood or eating their children live…" He shrugged, not bothered by Kairi's look of growing disgust. "To be fair, some of us felt something like a…rush, I suppose, in these acts of wanton violence…but they were ultimately hollow, nothing more than a memory of a memory. I think perhaps that is why Saix in particular was so unstable, because the thrill of killing was one of the few semblances of emotion he could still remember accurately, and so had to kill as often as possible to keep that memory from fading away. He became addicted to it, just as Demyx became addicted to his music, or Larxene to her torture, or Marluxia to his garden, or Axel…well, all of us really…to alcohol, (and later, Roxas) because it was those things that gave our empty lives the strongest trace of feeling or meaning…even if it didn't last very long at all.

"I think, actually, that's partly why we did all those things to Namine," he mused. "Vexen hypothesized it, in fact, and repeated tests seemed to prove it. As a memory witch, Namine naturally has power over memories. As Nobodies with fading memories, it's only natural for us to try to exploit her powers to make our memories more vivid to tide us over until we could find actual hearts to stop feeling so empty."

"Did it work?" Kairi asked quietly.

"To varying extents, yes," Zexion said. "Which is why we kept exploiting her. As a valuable and inexpendable resource, it only made sense for us to do that to her."

"Then that's all she was to you?" Kairi snapped. "A resource?"

"All of us were resources to each other," Zexion said. "Some of us who had been friends in life did, admittedly, stick together, but that was more out of habit than any real feelings of companionship. Except for Roxas and Axel, possibly…but then again, Roxas was a very unusual Nobody, so being around him could make others in turn feel…unusual. Axel repeatedly said that being around Roxas made him feel more real. If Vexen had had the chance, he would have dissected Roxas to find out just what gave him that unique property so he could synthesize it for everyone…or more likely, just himself. Fortunately, Xemnas forbid that, since we needed Roxas to help us gather more hearts for our master plan. Probably a good thing, too…Axel might have killed Vexen early, and then we would have lost one of our greatest scientific minds before he outlived his usefulness."

"I suppose being very uncaring about your companions comes naturally to you, to?" Kairi accused. "As a Nobody?"

"Of course. It makes it that much easier to betray or kill them, even if it's technically against the rules. That's why we didn't really fuss when Axel drunkenly murdered some of the other neophyte members of the Organization…or when somebody else did it, too, other than the required amount of punishment to convince them it probably wouldn't be a good idea to do it again in the near future. As long as they weren't of the first six, the oldest and smartest, none of us really cared, since anyone else could just be replaced."

"And you couldn't be?"

Zexion shook his head. "No. Since we first six had established memories of working well together, we were able to accomplish the most by working together as Nobodies too. However, even that had limits…as the fact that nobody came to see if I was really dead should tell you."

"Sometimes I wonder if you guys are misnamed…seems to me you're the ones who should really be called Heartless," Kairi said with an angry glare.

"I'll take that as a compliment. Now, in any event, that's why most of us acted as we did. Roxas, on the other hand…had no memories from his previous life, since his Other wasn't actually dead. That may be why he was better able to emulate emotion, perhaps even feel something like real emotion…due to his unusual 'birth.' Vexen, as I said before, wanted to dissect him to understand this more fully, but as I also said before Xemnas considered Roxas too valuable to dispose of that way. At least, not until we didn't need him anymore anyway. His lack of memories made Roxas even more frustrated and jealous…or semblances of those, anyway…with us, since we at least had memories. That was the source of much of his obsession with Namine, because he wanted her to give him memories. However, we forbade her to give him any of Sora's memories, since we didn't want him to know his Other was, in fact, alive, since that would ruin all our careful plans. So she was forced to make false memories for Roxas, and unfortunately for Namine, he wasn't satisfied with them. None of them felt real enough to him and so he discarded them and kept forcing her to make better ones, by whatever means he felt necessary."

"And that's why he did all those things," Kairi realized fully at last. "And why all of you did, too."

Zexion nodded. "Do you pity us, now that you understand why we did what we did? All of us?"

Kairi glared at him. "You can read my mind. Why don't you tell me?" Zexion smirked but said nothing. "Is that all you wanted to do? Mess with my head and traumatize Namine?"

"Pretty much, yes."

"Well, I hope you're happy. Oh wait, I don't. Because you don't have a heart, and therefore can't feel happy, so you're just doing all this out of some cruel but stupid habit as some pathetic attempt to get some semblance of feeling again. And it didn't work, did it?" Kairi challenged.

"…" Zexion blinked. "Hn. Touche, Princess." He clapped a few times, mockingly, then stepped back and opened a dark portal. "We're done here. This will take you back to your room. My commendation, by the way, for figuring out how to call room service."

"Thank you," she said curtly. "Goodbye." She got up and started to walk into the portal when Zexion stopped her abruptly again.

"Wait," he said. "Before you go…" He reached into his coat and pulled out what looked to be several dozen thick sketchpads bound together by string. "Here."

Kairi blinked in confusion as she took the pads. "What are these?"

"While Namine was here, one of the ways she helped us—when we made her—remember our memories better was by drawing them," Zexion explained. "She made other drawings too, of her own memories, or what she remembered of yours and Sora's. When I got back from Castle Oblivion and found the Castle that Never Was had been virtually destroyed, one of the first things I did after making my deal with Maleficent was to search the ruins for Namine's room. There, I gathered up all the intact pictures and filled sketchpads I could find and kept them for myself."

Kairi blinked. "Why?"

"Because with Namine gone, I needed some way to remember what had come before. I didn't want my memories to fade away, since they're some of what little I have left," Zexion said. "So I kept them, so I wouldn't forget."

"Then…why are you giving them to me?" Kairi asked in confusion.

"I've already made copies," Zexion said. "So I don't need the originals. And I thought they probably belonged with the artist who had made them in the first place…so she would remember too, even if she might not want to. Her existence here might not have been pleasant, but it's still a part of who she is, and shouldn't be discarded so quickly. And…" He paused. "It's another experiment, I suppose. I've done evil things for so long without really feeling anything that I wanted to see if doing a good deed would have any better results."

"…And?" Kairi asked after a moment, looking up at Zexion. "What do you feel?"

"…Nothing," Zexion whispered, not very surprised. "Nothing at all."

…

"So, this is your hometown…" Yuna said, looking around. "I kind of like it. It's nice."

"And small," grunted Paine.

"I think that's what adds to the charm," Yuna said.

"Yeah, 'charm'." Paine rolled her eyes. "Code language for 'big heap of nothing'."

"Well, I like it too!" Rikku chirped. "It's warm and sunny, and the people here are so nice!"

"Here you go," one street vendor said, handing Riku a blue butterfly-shaped hair barrette. "It goes with your eyes."

"Thank you!" Rikku said happily, clipping it on instantly and, unfortunately, leaving their native guides to pay for her 'gift'…again.

The sextet were currently exploring the main town of Destiny Islands where our heroes and less important trio lived. It was a small, but thriving community, with buildings that rarely if ever rose above two stories, most of them colorful with pink roofs and tan walls. There were lush tropical flowers and trees in great abundance growing along the streets and on the lawns of houses or buildings, one of which Yuna had plucked when nobody was looking and placed in her hair. Tidus thought that went well with her eyes, too. The air seemed to be infused with a relaxing, calm pleasure and joy radiating from the islanders that expressed their (mostly) laid-back attitudes and philosophy of living life one day at a time (for the most part) to enjoy it as much as possible. This pleasure was only slightly marred by the overeager and overdressed tourists stampeding here and there, taking tons of pictures of inconsequential things and purchasing tons of souvenirs and supposedly traditional island clothes and objects from stores so they could get the 'full' experience of what it was like to live here. The islanders took this all in good humor, as they always did. After all, the tourists were a primary source of the income they used to keep their town looking so nice and their people so happy…

The visitors from off-world had used fairy magic to enlarge themselves to human size in an attempt to blend in. Their unfamiliar hairstyles and clothing made this completely impossible, but the awe and wonder (or indifference, in Paine's case) they showed to everything they saw made it clear they were tourists, which wasn't far from the truth, and so went largely unnoticed by all. They had visited some of the 'hotspots' in town already, the school they all went to (Or "Hell on Earth," as Tidus dubbed it, "Boredom Central," in Wakka's own words, and "Where the mainland government is secretly exposing our brains to invisible rays to make us more complacent and easier to control, perpetuating our island's tourist economy and preventing us from ever developing into a strong, independent nation again!"), the museum (unfortunately closed for repairs, thanks to some idiot tourist knocking over all the displays like they were dominoes), Town Hall, which also doubled as the mayor's residence and where their good friend Kairi lived (seeing as her adopted father was the mayor),the Blitzball stadium, which really impressed the fairies (even Paine, for a moment) since they had never seen anything like it before ("Back home, we play lots of weird and different sports," Yuna said. "But nothing involving holding your breath for so long. Partly because we don't actually breathe using lungs but a complicated system of nearly-invisible pores and spiracles on our skin or wings. Not that we don't still have aquatic games, they just lack the tension in the air from knowing the players might actually drown if they're not careful."

"What kind of sports do you guys play, then?" Wakka asked, wondering if he might be any good at them.

"Oh, all sorts of neat things! Most of them involve the most creative uses of magic in certain kinds of competitions," Rikku explained, thoroughly crushing Wakka's hopes.

"The klutz here actually got a medal for blowing up the stadium by accidentally conjuring a fire-breathing dragon and a barrel of rum at the same time she cast a spell for thirst on the dragon," Paine explained. "You can guess what happened from there. The stadium was easily repaired and she won the competition for creating such a dazzling explosion, but nobody ever lets her live it down. Especially me."

"Why were you conjuring a dragon?" a confused Tidus asked Rikku.

"I, uh, wasn't trying to," said the embarrassed blond. "I was trying to turn straw, lead, and water into gold. Did I mention I've never been very good at conjuration? Or transfiguration? Or…most forms of magic, actually? I'm very good at alchemy, though…"

"Yes, she only blew up the alchemy classroom five thousand seven hundred and thirty-six times rather than one hundred and fifty-seven thousand, eight hundred and eleven times like she did with all her other classes combined," Yuna agreed, sounding oddly proud of her cousin for this 'success'.

Wakka and Tidus gave each other anxious looks, praying that Rikku didn't try any magic in the near future, save that which went into her 'disguise'. "How'm I supposed to beat that record?" Selphie asked, annoyed. "I've only blown up the classroom fifty-two times." Wakka and Tidus also started praying that Rikku did not, under any circumstances, teach Selphie magic.), the Crusaders' Lounge, and the street market, where they were now. But soon enough they were done with that, and began wandering through the residential area of town, saying hello to neighbors and good friends. It was a small, warm, friendly place, the kind where everyone knew everybody else's name and really bought into the philosophy of 'Life is Wonderful', 'Do unto others as you would have others do unto you', 'Be good friends with thy neighbor, and your neighbor's neighbor, and your neighbor's neighbor's neighbor, etc', as well as something which Sora said he had come across elsewhere in his own adventures that he summed up as 'Hakuna Matata.' (What this meant the less important trio didn't know, but weren't sure if they believed it since Sora said he had learned it from a talking meerkat and warthog. They didn't have the slightest clue what a meerkat was, and Sora himself wasn't too sure either.) The reason behind these philosophies would soon be explained by the three native guides as they led the fairies to a very old, very decrepit building that may at one point have been a church or a temple. It probably would have fallen apart ages ago, yet seemed as if it had almost intentionally been maintained in its current condition. "What is this place?" Yuna asked. "It seems kind of…lonely…"

"According to island folklore and our history books, this is the Temple of Bob," Wakka said, putting his hands behind his head.

"Who's Bob?" Rikku asked.

Tidus shrugged. "Some guy who lived a really, really long time ago. Nobody really remembers him as a person. We don't need to though, we just need to learn from his example."

"Which was…" Rikku asked.

"A long, long time ago," Selphie said. "There was a guy called Bob."

Paine rolled her eyes. "Yeah, we gathered that."

"People today think he came from the mainland, possibly the first person to ever reach our islands from one of the bigger continents," Tidus said. "Old scripture describes him arriving with the tide, so he was probably a survivor from some big shipwreck, the seas could be very dangerous back then. Our ancestors had never seen a guy like him before, so they thought he was a god, and treated him as one. He took advantage of that and taught them his own personal views on morality and life and how people should act towards each other, and told our ancestors that if they didn't do as he said they'd all go to Hell. Frightened, they did as he told them to, and he ruled like a king for a long time. On his deathbed, he promised he'd return in a thousand years to guide us to Heaven."

"So, our ancestors did as Bob told them, and for a thousand years adhered to his teachings, as told in 'The Book of Bob," Selphie explained uncharacteristically calmly.

"Life wasn't very pleasant back then…" Wakka said sadly. "Not like it is now, anyway. The laws were very restrictive towards women and people with sexual preferences other than those espoused in the Book of Bob, and generally stifled creativity and diversity. Anyone who broke those laws or disagreed with the Church established in Bob's name were punished, tortured, and often killed for their so-called heresy." He shook his head miserably. "Man, they didn't even have blitzball! Our ancestors invented a game that would become its precursor, but the Church of Bob outlawed it and said it was ungodly and sinful, so we had to play only the church-approved sports and games, which really sucked, mon."

"But clearly things aren't like that now," said Yuna. "So…what happened?"

"A violent revolution?" Paine asked with a hint of hope, intrigued to learn that this oh-so-happy place may have had such a dark past.

"The people who disagreed with Bob broke off to form their own sect and built a new civilization far away from the church, sorta like our ancestors did in Fairyworld a long time ago to escape an oppressive 'master race' who was controlling us?" Rikku asked.

"We might have…" said Tidus. "But that's not what the history books, folklore, and our own families have told us."

"If they can be believed," Selphie said conspiratorially, eyes shifting about as if someone might be watching them at that very moment.

"A thousand years passed, and everyone waited eagerly for Bob to show up like he had promised. And…" Tidus trailed off.

"He didn't come," Yuna said.

"Nope, no way he's coming back," joked Wakka. "He's probably a rotting old corpse in a crumbling tomb…somewhere. Nobody's sure where it is now."

"Maybe he WILL come back," Selphie whispered conspiratorially. "As a ZOMBIE! And then the world will end…" Her eyes darted about. "I had a dream once where he did come back, and I married him. It was very nice." The fairies looked at each other, then at Selphie, dubiously.

Tidus continued. "The people were confused and distraught that Bob hadn't come for them like he promised he would. The church decided they had miscalculated the appointed date for Bob's return, pushed it up a bit, and waited. And waited. And waited some more. They waited for another two hundred years, and he still didn't come."

"By then, everyone was getting rather tired of the church making excuses for why Bob wasn't there, and for arbitrarily punishing them for not being devout enough, and finally they just…had enough, I guess," said Wakka. "I don't blame them, you know? I've thought of doing the same thing once or twice at school…not that it's that bad, okay, but it gets boring some times, especially on hot days when you'd rather be cooling off in a pool playing Blitzball."

"Our ancestors (at the time) looked back at the last thousand years, reevaluated their lives, and realized that things as they were, under the word of Bob, sucked. Yes, Bob had brought them interesting, useful, and innovative ideas and technologies from his life on the mainland, but the majority of the ideals and concepts he had preached no longer seemed valid, fair, or even made sense. The church, which was suffering from doubt and loss of faith and getting tired of the whole thing too, agreed with everyone else that things had to change," said Selphie. "So the church disbanded, the Book of Bob was made invalid, and those who had been executed and punished in the past for being sinful or disagreeing with the authority of the time were posthumously pardoned. Our ancestors came together and decided to start again from the ground up, rebuilding their society with less restrictive laws and rules that would be fairer to all and allow us to live more happily…or so we're told." Her eyes got all shifty again. "But who knows what really happened?"

"The new way of life our ancestors made has held true for the last four hundred years, adapting with the times but remaining basically the same at its core. Even contact with the mainland and the advent of tourism hasn't fundamentally changed the way we live our lives now," Tidus said proudly. "We keep this old church in relatively…well, we keep it to remind ourselves of the mistakes of our ancient ancestors, so that we may never repeat them again."

Wakka nodded. "And when it comes to religion…well, as my idol Lord Ohalland, founder of Blitzball, once said…'If there truly is a Creator, a being who made us and the rest of the universe, then I would think it would want us to live our lives to their fullest potential, rather than bind them to an existence which oppresses our freedom and creativity. We need no church to honor this Creator then, for we honor this being through the very act of living. Remember that you are alive, doing what you were made to do; live; and you offer our Creator the greatest thanks it could possibly receive. Enjoy life, and all which comes with it, to find all the spiritual fulfillment you could possibly need. Now, let's blitz!'" He grinned and leaned forward. "In my opinion, truer words have never been said, ya?"

"It does have a rather inspiring ring to it," Yuna agreed.

"Hmm. I never thought a dinky island like this would have come up with such a cute philosophy," Paine said with a small smirk. She shook her head. "I'm too jaded. Maybe crashing here wasn't such a bad thing after all…"

"That whole story kind reminds me of how Fairyworld got started in the first place," Rikku reminisced.

"Oh?" Tidus asked.

"You were oppressed by the laws of a misogynistic man named Bob too?" Selphie asked. "And women could be purchased as wives or traded by husbands who tired of them, and had absolutely no rights whatsoever and could even be killed without anyone raising a fuss? And children were used as forced labor and could be killed by their fathers for displeasing them or even being the wrong gender?"

"…No," said a disturbed Rikku. "Well, yes, except for the Bob part. We fairies—or as we sometimes call ourselves, pixies—were once the lesser and weaker of two broad species which together made up those who call themselves fairies. The stronger race, who some might call elves, oppressed the pixies and less powerful members of the fairy species. But our ancestors were able to break free from those 'elves' and their aloof rulers, Lord Oberon and Lady Titania, millions of years ago, and establish a new home we now call Fairyworld."

"I can't imagine those ruler guys were happy with that," Wakka commented.

"They weren't, and still aren't," Yuna said.

The islanders blinked. "'Aren't?'" Selphie asked in confusion.

"Elves, or the Fae, or the Hill Folk, or whatever the hell they decide to call themselves in the morning, are pretty much immortal," explained Paine. "As a result, they can hold very long grudges. They hate us for leaving them, and swore they would have revenge against all pixie--and related species--kind someday."

"Then…could they come here?!" asked an alarmed Tidus, worried suddenly for Yuna's safety, and that of the Islands after a moment.

"OH EM GEE!" Selphie screamed, panicking as well. "THEY'LL INVADE US AND BURN OUR HOMES AND ENSLAVE OUR SOULS IN UNDEAD BODIES FOR ALL ETERNITY!"

"No," Yuna said, shaking her head. "They won't come here. They retreated from the universe at large due to the rise of mankind and other mortal races."

"Ah, so we scared them off, huh?" Wakka boasted, puffing his chest out.

"No, they just don't like the smell of mortal species," Paine said. "As short-lived beings, you smell of death and entropy, something that terrifies some of the longest-lived races."

Wakka blinked, and sniffed himself. "…I don't smell that bad, do I? I can get some deodorant or something…or is there some kinda shampoo I can take for that?"

"Maybe if you don't shower, you'll smell worse and scare all the elves and other aliens away," Selphie said. "I know! From now on, I will never bathe again! And so our world will be saved!" Yuna and Rikku giggled, Paine rolled her eyes, and Wakka looked confused and disgusted. Tidus, however, was deep in thought.

Despite the reassurances of the off-worlders, Tidus was frightened that these evil fairies would come to have revenge on his new friend Yuna, (who he was really growing to like) as a descendant of those original secessionists. Assuming she hadn't been one of those secessionists. How old was she, anyway? If fairies were immortal or very long-lived, then they could probably stay young-looking forever, meaning he probably didn't have any chance with her since to her he was probably nothing more than a hair or speck of dust in the wind, gone in the blink of an eye to such an ageless being as her.

Wait, why was he thinking about this anyway? And for that matter, where had his friends gone? "Hey, wait for me!" he yelled, seeing they were walking down the street away from him, quickly rushing off to catch up.

"Oh, hey Tidus, I was wondering when you'd wake up," said a relieved Yuna, making Tidus flush that she had been concerned about him.

"Why'd you guys leave?!" he asked angrily.

"You were standing there staring into the distance for ten minutes, brudda," Wakka said. "Selphie was screaming that the aliens had stolen your mind or that the government brainwaves finally got to you," Rikku said. "Glad to see she was wrong!"

"Uh, well, I was just thinking something. Deep thoughts, yeah," Tidus said quickly.

"So deep you didn't hear us yelling at you or feel us poking you repeatedly before giving up and walking away?" Paine said doubtfully.

"Very deep thoughts," Tidus said, feeling extremely embarrassed. "So deep that, um, I can't even remember what they were. Yeah. And….look, over there! It's Lulu and Wakka's brother making out!" he yelled quickly to change the subject.

Everyone looked, and Tidus was amazed that Wakka's dark-haired goth on again-off again girlfriend Lulu was indeed making out with Wakka's brother Chappu, who looked eerily like Tidus, just with redder hair.

"OH EM GEE!" Selphie screamed. "A POD PERSON IMPERSONATING LULU IS SUCKING OUT CHAPPU'S SOUL!" Everyone stared at her. "What? She is!" All shook their heads and said nothing.

"Aaaagggghhh! Lulu! Chappu! What're you doing?!" Wakka screamed, tearing at his oddly-shaped red hair with his fists.

The two teens quickly broke off. "Oh, hey Wakka," Lulu said calmly, brushing back one of her many braids. Paine noted with interest that she and the girl shared a similar fashion sense, though Lulu was into inordinate numbers of belts, for some reason.

"Uh, hi Big Bro, what's up?" Chappu said uneasily, inching behind Lulu for protection. "Got some new friends there, I see…"

"Huh? Oh yeah, they're from outta town, but that doesn't explain WHAT YOU TWO WERE DOING MAKING KISSY-FACES AT EACH OTHER!" Wakka bellowed, looking as if he was going to smash his brother's face in with his Blitzball, which was probably why Chappu thought Lulu would make a good shield.

"We broke up again last week," Lulu pointed out. "Remember?"

Wakka blinked. "Uh…so?"

"So…that means until you and I decide to make up—if we make up, that is—that I'm free to date whoever I please, and you can date whoever you please. Right? We never agreed we had an exclusive relationship," Lulu explained carefully so her words would make it to Wakka's tiny, enraged brain.

"…Oh. I guess that makes sense…" Wakka said after a minute, still looking slightly miffed.

"Lulu said it was okay!" Chappu whimpered pathetically.

Wakka seemed to have calmed down now. "You guys coulda told me about this, you know…" he said, looking annoyed. "Then I wouldn'ta had to find out this way!"

"We didn't tell you at first because we were sure you would fly into a blind rage, like you almost did now," Lulu pointed out. "Well, that was Chappu's rationalization anyway. So I think our—his worry was justified." Chappu crossed his arms and sulked at her.

"Uh, so, does this mean you aren't mad at us anymore?" the Tidus lookalike asked his brother anxiously.

"Mad? Of course I'm mad?!" Wakka yelled, grabbing Chappu and giving him a rather painful noogie. "You're dating my on-again off-again girlfriend without my permission, you little twerp of a brudda!"

"Ow! Ow! Can I please date your on-again off-again girlfriend while you two are broken up?!" Chappu screamed.

"Eh, sure," Wakka said, dropping Chappu unceremoniously to the ground. "Have fun, you two! And Lu, when Chappu starts getting on your nerves, you know where to find me!"

"Thankfully, I do," Lulu agreed, helping Chappu to his feet. "It was nice seeing you all. Goodbye." She led the slightly confused younger brother away.

"That went rather well," said a surprised Tidus. "I was half-expecting you to beat the crap out of him like that last guy who you thought was mistreating Lulu."

"Naw, Chappu's okay," Wakka said, leaning back with his hands behind his head. "He, Lu and I go waaaayyy back. I trust them."

"You didn't look like you trusted them a minute ago," Paine pointed out.

"You looked like you were going to rip their heads off! Well, your brother's, anyway," Rikku said.

"That's cause I'm a little hotheaded and rash, ya know?" Wakka justified.

Tidus raised an eyebrow. "A little?" Wakka scowled at him.

"Are you sure we should be leaving Chappu with a pod person?" Selphie asked in concern as they continued down the street.

"Yes dear, I'm sure it's fine," Yuna said kindly, patting Selphie's shoulder while everyone else rolled their eyes.

"You know, that brother of Wakka's looked a lot like Tidus…" Rikku pointed out.

"Oh, a lot of guys look like me," said Tidus. "Like Mr. Shuyin. Hey Mr. Shuyin!" he said, waving to a tall, blond man who looked exactly as Tidus would if he were an adult as they passed by. Mr. Shuyin waved back and continued on his way.

"And there's Mr. Hasagawa…and Mr. Kagura…and oh hey, there's Ms. Maga's kid Benny," Wakka said, pointing out all the people who looked eerily like Tidus at different ages of his lifespan.

"Inbreeding," Paine whispered to a disturbed Yuna. "I warned you."

"No, it's just part of the government program to create an army of Tidus clones to OVERRUN THE WORLD!" Selphie screamed at the top of her lungs. This only earned her weird looks from passing tourists or her friends, since everyone else in town was pretty much used to Selphie's insane outbursts by now.

…

We're lost, Xehanort complained.

"We are not," Riku grunted.

Are too.

"Are not."

Too.

"Not."

Too.

"Not."

Too--Oh look, here comes a guard patrol.

"Not--Oh wait, there is." Riku cursed Xehanort angrily for getting him too distracted to catch the scent, and quickly leaped straight upward, spreading his arms out to catch himself and hang delicately in between the rafters over the hallway. A squad of Berserkers and Armored Knights walked by underneath him, glancing around to make sure nothing was out of place, before continuing on their way. Riku had suppressed his dark scent (one of many things he had learned how to do while he worked with DiZ) and so the Heartless and Nobody guards had not detected him. Yet. A very good thing too, since he seemed to be running right into patrol squads with every turn of the hallway.

He dropped back to the floor quietly once he had sniffed around and made sure no more guards were coming, and checked the map again. It's useless, Xehanort complained. Doesn't match up at all to the layout we've been wandering through for the last hour or two.

"Shut up," Riku grunted.

I can shut up, but that doesn't change the fact that we're lost, Xehanort pointed out.

"Yes it does," Riku said firmly. "We're not lost." Privately, he thought they were, but he was not going to give Xehanort that victory.

Yes we are, Xehanort retorted as they set off on a new heading after Riku scrutinized the completely useless map for a few more seconds.

"Are not," Riku replied automatically as they walked down a long moving staircase.

Are too, Xehanort replied as they trekked through a long hallway filled with humming crystalline computer conduits.

"Are not," Riku said as they rode down an elevator in the castle's central shaft.

Are too, Xehanort said as they rode back up an elevator in a slightly different area of the same shaft.

"Not," muttered Riku as they crawled through a hallway full of oblivious guards by hiding underneath a conveniently placed cardboard box.

Too, Xehanort countered as Riku wormed his way through a narrow ventilation shaft.

"Not," said Riku as he climbed up the exterior of the great castle, clinging tightly to whatever handholds he could find or make to keep from being knocked off by the strong winds.

Too, said Xehanort as they emerged from a toilet in a bathroom somewhere in the castle. (Why did Heartless or Nobodies need bathrooms?)

"Not," said Riku as they hopped across platforms in a lake of molten lava, dodging arrows and swinging pendulums.

Too, argued Xehanort as they walked across the set of the strange sitcom they had seen earlier during a live shooting, confusing the actors and producers but earning Riku immortality as a slavish fanclub centered around him quickly popped up among the show's viewers, even though he had been there in a 'walk-on' role and his presence never went explained.

"Not," Riku said stubbornly as he swung across a great chasm on a conveniently-placed rope.

Too, said Xehanort as they walked down a hallway, through a pair of very large open doors, and found themselves in a rather tall chamber with a spiky throne across from them, currently occupied by Maleficent, sipping a cup of tea as her crow Diablo shifted his feet on her shoulder.

"It looks like you're lost, dear boy," she said with what sounded almost like compassion.

"Am not," Riku said reflexively.

Are too, interjected Xehanort. And while you're here, tell Maleficent that she looks ravishing, I'm madly in love with her, and she must under no circumstances marry Pete!

"Poor thing, you really have lost your way, haven't you?" Maleficent said sympathetically. "Too blinded by the light to see in the dark…"

"I can see just fine in the dark…and smell in it, too," Riku growled, summoning his Keyblade even though he couldn't really use it at the moment.

"You may be able to now…" Maleficent crooned. "But if you walk too long in the light, you will lose your perspective, and cannot catch yourself if you should fall."

"I don't need to catch myself as long as I know I can count on my friends, who walk alongside me," Riku said confidently. "As long as I have them, they'll never let me fall. And I have no fear of going blind…I walk neither the path of darkest night or brightest day but the way in between…the way to the dawn. As long as I walk that road, I have everything I need."

Will you stop with the metaphors and thinly veiled spirituality and get on with it already?! Xehanort snapped. It only sounds good when I do it!

"Quiet," Riku growled.

Maleficent smirked and took a sip of her tea. "It seems as if your alter ego is giving you some difficulty."

"You have no idea," he grumbled.

"You know," she said, eyes glittering evilly. "I could…take him off your mind for you, and allow you to breathe freely without a jabbering nuisance whispering sweet promises to you in every moment."

Do it! Xehanort cried. So that I may be free of your skinny frame and take my rightful place by her side as ruler of the universe! And hey, who's she calling a jabbering nuisance?!

"No thanks," Riku said warily, taking a step back from Maleficent. "I'd rather have him trapped in here than leave him with you. At least as long as he's inside me I know where he is and can make sure he causes no harm."

"Ah, poor Riku…poor, foolish, self-sacrificing Riku…" Maleficent said pityingly, shaking her head. "Playing the hero out of guilt for your actions, willing to torture yourself because you believe you deserve it for betraying your friends and giving in to darkness. You cut such a tragic figure, my poor boy." She grinned evilly. "Or is it perhaps out of a sense of inadequacy? An attempt to measure up to your friend Sora and prove you're every bit the hero he is?"

Riku rolled his eyes. "If you're trying to make me get all angsty, I'm sorry to say I'm over it. I joined a support group (Overly Angsty Teens Anonymous) when I got back to the Islands and I'm well on my way to recovery."

"Oh," said Maleficent in disappointment. She frowned. "Well, there goes that idea."

"And I suppose next you were going to use my shame or play on my doubts to convince me to join the dark side again, right?" Riku said with a smirk. He tapped his forehead. "Trust me, there's nothing you can say that can convince me. This guy's been at it bothering me 24-7 to give in, and no matter how enticing an offer you make I'd still reject it, just to spite him."

Do you hate me so, Riku? Asked a hurt Xehanort.

"Yes."

That was a rhetorical question, Xehanort snapped.

Maleficent leaned back in her throne, raising her teacup so Diablo could sip from it, looking surprisingly nonchalant. "Well, to be honest, your response was not unexpected."

Riku blinked. "Wait, it wasn't?"

It wasn't? asked a confused Xehanort.

"Yes, so I took certain measures beforehand just in case you refused me. It's a good thing I did, too. Oh Nosimono!" the witch cried. "Come here please, I want you to meet the person you're replacing in my evil plans!"

A dark portal appeared, and out of it stepped…Riku?! He looked and smelled exactly like the teen, except this Riku was clad in the familiar dark blue with empty Heartless emblem outfit of Dark Mode, carried the old Soul Eater blade rather than a Keyblade, and had a disturbingly cheerful sunny and energetic look on his face which seemed to light up the whole room when he smiled. "What is it, Mom? Oh, it's you!" He grinned happily and waved at Riku. "Hi, Real Thing! I'm your replica, but you can call me Nosimono!"

Riku's jaw dropped, as would Xehanort's if he had a jaw. "No. Fucking. Way."

Didn't you kill him?! Cried the disbelieving Xehanort.

"Didn't I kill you?!" Riku shouted.

"You did," the grinning Riku clone said. "My big brother, anyway. But Vexen made two clones of you, and kept one in storage just in case!" He pouted. "He cloned himself too, but something went wrong with the duplication process and the replica ended up only able to speak redneck and belt out bluegrass lyrics, so Uncle Zexion put him out of his misery. And nobody (figuratively or literally speaking) could figure out Papa Vexen's notes, so we couldn't make another clone of him. (Wouldn't have been able to anyway, since we didn't have any of his Nobody DNA left.)" He grinned again. "But that's okay, because I'm here now! Boy, I've always wanted to meet you, Real Thing! I've always wondered what my Big Brother was like."

"Brother? BROTHER?!" Riku screamed, backing away. "No fucking way! I'm not your brother! By all rights, you shouldn't even exist! I can't believe that freak made ANOTHER one of you copies!"

Nosimono pouted again. "What's wrong? Don't you like me? I-I thought we could be friends." He bit his lip and started to tear up.

"No, no, he doesn't hate you, he's just in shock from your sudden appearance," Maleficent tutted, getting out of her seat and leaving her teacup behind to be taken away by a Creeper servitor. "I'm sure once he's calmed down he'll be more than happy to be your friend."

"Yay!" Nosimono cheered, hopping up and down with joy. "And then I can have a real brother, since I never got to meet my other one!"

"That's right, dear," Maleficent said, putting a hand on the clone's shoulder. "But that will have to wait, Mommy needs to greet her other guests and you need to get back to training. You won't get a Keyblade of your own by just goofing off, now will you?"

"Nope, no way! Big Brother didn't get his by goofing off, did you bro?" Nosimono asked Riku cheerfully.

"Uh…no…" said a rather dazed Riku.

"Then I'll work hard to get mine, too! Since I'm your clone and have all your powers, and you have a Keyblade, that means I've got to get one of my own eventually too, right?" He smiled and nodded. "Well, like Mom said, I've got to get back to training, so bye! It was great to meet you at long last!" He opened a dark portal and vanished through it.

Maleficent shook her head in mock sadness. "Such a pity you turned me down, Riku. Nosimono could have used an older and more experienced brother, and I'm sure you would have found me a much more accepting mother than that ungrateful wench pretending to be yours back on the Islands. Oh well, I see you've made your choice, and wish you happiness with it. No wait, actually I don't, I wish you nothing less than pure despair." She cackled evilly, and her crow did as well, and then both vanished in a burst of green and black fire, briefly heating up the room and filling the air with the burning scent of brimstone and cinnamon.

"I…I don't believe it…" said an incredulous Riku. "She...she replaced me?!"

Now you know how I feel, sobbed Xehanort. Maleficent! Why couldn't you take me with yoooouuuu?!

…

The sextet continued on their way through the residential area, seeing the sights and being either amused or annoyed by Selphie's psychosis and Paine's negativity, until they got hungry and decided to stop by Tidus' house for some lunch. (Sure, the fairies could have conjured up some food, but nobody trusted Rikku to do it, Yuna wanted to try genuine island cuisine, and Paine was unable to summon food that wasn't completely vegan.) The girls (well, Yuna and Rikku anyway) were also interested in meeting Tidus' father Jecht, the island's star Blitzball player, who according to the many tourists and fans outside the blitzball stadium and Wakka's vast collection of sports trivia was possibly the best player from the islands in over a hundred years, and had brought the world championship Crystal Cup home at least five times. Tidus wasn't nearly so enthusiastic to introduce his new friends to his dad, since he and his father's relationship was…complicated, to say the least. But he just couldn't say no to Yuna, and so it was to his home they went.

Fortunately for Tidus, his father wasn't there. In fact, someone much more welcome was. "Hey, Uncle Auron!" Tidus cried in surprise, breaking off from his friends and rushing over to the man sitting on the front porch of his house, drinking from a jug labeled NOG attached to his side. The man was dressed in a long red cloak or jacket with a large brown and brass shoulder pad on the left shoulder decorated with interesting patterns as well as some dangling beads. His left sleeve hung loose and empty, for his left arm was sticking out of the front of his jacket, hanging gingerly in a sling, though it seemed to have no problem holding his jug up to his lips. His face was clean-shaven and somewhat handsome, between young and middle-aged, with spiky short-cropped dark hair, though his right eye was squeezed shut with a large scar cutting through it, suggesting it was blind. A very large nodachi sword was held in his right hand and resting over his shoulder, so that he might use it at a moment's notice.

The man finished drinking from his jug, set it down, and wiped off his mouth with his sleeve as Tidus came up to him. "Ah, Tidus. I was hoping to see you today."

"Whoa, cool! Tidus' Uncle Auron is back!" Wakka said enthusiastically.

"And…who exactly is this uncle Auron?" Paine asked.

"He's not really Tidus' uncle…or so he says…just a very old friend of Tidus' dad. Or so they say…" Selphie said ominously, to which they ignored her.

"He comes around rather infrequently, but we all look forward to seeing him, ya," Wakka explained. "He's the kind of guy who never stays in one place for too long. He's always got the coolest stories of places he's been and people he's met, though we don't really know how much of it can be believed…he usually brings pretty sweet gifts, though. He once gave me this really weird-shaped object called a 'football' that he claimed was used to play a pretty popular sport somewhere far, far away. But it wasn't even a ball, just this oval-shaped thing with stitches! How can you play ball with that? And unless you kicked it just right, I doubt it would move very fast underwater…it's not exactly hydrodynamic…"

"Actually, I think I've heard of a sport like that," Yuna mused as they walked over to meet Auron. "How very strange…"

"Where've you been, Auron? It's been over a year and a half since you last stopped by! We kinda missed you around here, you know?" Tidus half-joked.

"I was…preoccupied elsewhere," Auron said enigmatically. "It's good to see you again. And you too, Wakka and Selphie and…" The one-eyed man trailed off as he noticed the three girls, his posture stiffening significantly.

"Oh yeah, these are our new friends Yuna, Rikku and Paine," Tidus introduced the girls to his 'uncle.' Each of the girls said 'hi' except Paine, who had a suspicious look on her face. "Uncle Auron?" The man still seemed to be in shock.

"OH EM GEE!" Selphie screamed. "Tidus' Uncle Auron had his brain snatched by the same invisible aliens that attacked Tidus earlier! ANY ONE OF US MIGHT BE NEXT!" She ran off screaming at the top of her lungs. Nobody missed her.

"Are you all right?" Yuna asked in concern.

"I…I'm fine," Auron said after a moment, shaking himself out of it. "You three just…remind me of some people I once knew. It is nice to meet you as well. I wonder if our paths will cross again in the future…" He shook their hands, though Paine once more seemed reluctant and suspicious to do so.

"It's nice to meet you too," Yuna said politely.

"Yeah! So, do you know where Tidus' dad Jecht is? We were kinda hoping to see him…" Rikku said.

"I'm afraid you just missed him. He and the other Crusaders headed out on a mission," Auron said.

This immediately got Tidus and Wakka's attention and concern. "What kind of mission is it? Is there a monster near here?" Tidus asked anxiously.

"Or is it…the black aliens?!" asked an equally worried Wakka.

When the world had come back after…whatever the black aliens had done to it, almost everything had been as it was before…but almost wasn't good enough. There were still several thousand people worldwide who had gone missing, and weren't likely to ever return. Selphie claimed the aliens had abducted them and left everyone else because they weren't worthy test subjects, and that actually seemed plausible enough to be true. The return of Sora and Riku from their long absence, as well as Kairi coming back from her brief disappearance, had increased some people's hopes that they'd see their loved ones again, but…the returned trio didn't seem very confident in that happening.

Additionally, some of the wildlife had been mutated by whatever the aliens had done to the world into horrible monsters which occasionally attacked populated areas and created much havoc and chaos. To combat these monsters, as well as to guard against the aliens should they ever decide to invade again, people from all over the world came together under the heroic Lord Mi'ihen to form a sort of global defense team calling themselves the Crusaders, with chapters in every major village or city in the world. Tidus had actually been impressed when his old man had signed up to join the local group of Crusaders, though he wasn't sure if he had done it because he felt obligated to protect his family or he just wanted more fame under his belt. Kairi, Riku and Sora had been very supportive of the formation of the Crusaders…and now that Tidus was aware that their wild stories of where they had been in recent times were completely true, that all made a lot more sense now.

"It's just a monster," Auron reassured them. "Admittedly, a rather big one. They're calling it 'Lord Ochu, ruler of the forest', or some such thing. Supposed to be some kind of giant plant."

"Why does that sound oddly familiar?" Yuna wondered with a frown.

"Um, I think because I kind of accidentally turned that one flower of yours into a giant plant monster when we were younger?" Rikku whispered.

"Oh yeah, I remember now…" Yuna said. Paine rolled her eyes.

"Will they be okay?" Tidus asked, trying not to sound overly concerned for his father's safety. Which he wasn't. Really.

"They'll be fine," Auron reassured them. "Jecht's improved his swordplay a lot since I've last been here. Perhaps because he feels he has something worth fighting for…" Tidus made a face as if to say he didn't think that very likely.

"Why didn't you go with them, Auron? You're pretty handy with that sword of yours, I bet you would be a big help," Wakka suggested.

"Yes, well, I might be," said Auron. "But…I'm not a Crusader. Just a civilian. So I had to stay behind." He made a wry smile. "I don't mind so much, personally. I've had enough of fighting for a while and could use a break to just sit in the shade and watch the world pass me by…plus, Tidus' mother makes excellent tea." He paused. "Oh yes, speaking of mothers…Tidus, Ms. Hikari has been asking around for the whereabouts of her son. She was apparently expecting him home a little while ago. He's probably just spending time with his friends, but apparently Sora disappeared along with a number of other people while I was…away, and although he and his friend Riku have returned, his mother is naturally worried that he might suddenly vanish again. I don't suppose you've seen him recently?"

"Uh…" Tidus and Wakka fidgeted, while Yuna, Rikku, and Paine looked surprised to hear the name of a certain Keyblade master. "Um…yyyyyeeaaah, we saw him recently."

"Then you should probably go tell Ms. Hikari and alleviate her fears. She looked rather panicked when she last came by. I think she was even thinking of trekking after the Crusaders to help her find Sora. She didn't seem particularly bothered when I told her they were out hunting a dangerous monster," Auron told them.

Wakka groaned. "Knowing Ms. Hikari, she'd probably kill the monster herself just to keep the Crusaders from having an excuse not to help her…" Rikku whistled, impressed, and Paine raised an eyebrow in interest.

Tidus nodded. "Yeah, we'd better go stop her…thanks Auron. Oh, by the way, speaking of Sora…" The boy frowned. "Now that I think of it, Sora mentioned meeting a guy who looked just like you and even had the same name in some place called the Underworld on another world far away from here…but he didn't seem to recognize you. That couldn't possibly have been you there, could it?"

"…" Auron said nothing for a moment. "That's…a story for another day." He stood up suddenly.

"Hey, you can't just leave us hanging like that!" Tidus protested as Auron quickly crossed the porch and opened the front door.

"Apparently, he can," Rikku said as Auron entered the house and closed the door behind him.

Paine frowned. "There's something funny about that guy..."

"Should we go after him?" Yuna asked.

Wakka shook his head. "No, we'd better go see Sora's mom before she gets somebody into trouble…hey Selphie! We're leaving, come on!"

Selphie stopped running and screaming in her tracks. "Okay." She joined them, and the six headed off to Sora's house.

…

And speaking of the legendary Keyblade master…

"I think we're lost," Sora said, scratching his head in confusion and staring blankly at his map.

No duh, Roxas grunted.

Sora and Roxas were, obviously, lost. This wasn't really that big a surprise though, neither of them had ever been that good at navigation. Donald had always handled the maps around Sora, and Axel had done the same with Roxas, since both boys had the tendency to get lost for hours wherever they were left on their own. They would have probably gotten lost even if Maleficent hadn't restructured her castle to make things more complicated for them.

Sora looked up from the map and glanced at the twenty identical dark thorn-choked hallways spreading out from the darkened intersection he was standing in the middle of, right on top of a giant Heartless emblem done in metal and glowing wire on the floor. He didn't even know which hallway he had entered from, they all looked so similar. "Should we just stop and go back to the room? I don't think this is getting us anywhere. We haven't found anything that looks even remotely like a control area. We haven't even found a bathroom…which is bad, since I really need to go." He shifted from foot to foot anxiously. "And there's one back at the room, so…"

I'm not ready to quit just yet, Roxas said stubbornly. Come on, just a little further.

"But what about-"

If we don't find a bathroom, you can just go in the hallway and let the janitors clean it up. I did plenty of times back when I was with the Organization.

"…"

What? There weren't that many bathrooms in the castle! And not all of them were exactly safe, either!

"Couldn't you have just portalled to the ones that were?"

…Uh…

Sora sighed in annoyance at his brother and took out his Keyblade. "Okay," he said to it. "You've got all kinds of mystical powers in you. Let's see if you can't guide me to a bathroom or somewhere more interesting." He closed his eyes, held the giant key straight out in front of him, and began spinning around and around and around, planning to take whichever hallway the key was pointing at when he stopped spinning.

Unfortunately, his comically large shoes skidded on the immaculately polished floor and caushed Sora to trip and lose his balance, causing him to lose hold on the Keyblade as he fell on his face and sent it flying through the air, where it imbedded itself deeply in the keystone of the archway over one of the many hallways, sending deep fissures through it and making the thorns nearby rustle agitatedly. Sora grunted, pulled himself back up, and recalled his Keyblade to his hand. "Well, I guess that works as well as anything else," he said, looking at the hallway his Keyblade had chosen for him.

Don't fret, that happened to me all the time too when I was trying to decide which way to go, Roxas assured Sora. Let's go.

They did. And as luck would have it, they soon found a bathroom. Several of them, actually. The only problem was…

"Which of these is the men's room?!" asked a frustrated Sora, scratching his head as he stared at the two wrought-iron doors set into the wall, one of which had the Heartless emblem instead of a stylized man or woman, and the other had a Nobody emblem, once more instead of a man or a woman. However, each of those emblems were in turn stylized to vaguely resemble a person or creature, but there was no way to tell the gender of either symbol.

I don't think gender has anything to do with it. They're different-species bathrooms, Roxas assumed as a couple of Shadows pushed open the Heartless door and a few Dusks slithered out from under the Nobody door. I'm not even sure if Heartless or Nobodies can be divided into male or female, and if they can be I don't think they particularly care about keeping certain things private.

"I didn't even know they needed bathrooms. I mean, it's not like they eat anything...other than hearts. Do they even have stomachs?!"

Well…all I know is, something came out of us later every time we had a big meal.

"Ugh." Sora grimaced and looked back and forth between the two doors. "Out in the hallway is looking more appealing by the minute." He sighed. "Well, might as well give it a shot first…" Uncertain what he would find inside, Sora followed a couple of Soldiers into the Heartless bathroom.

Moments later, he rushed back out, using his Keyblade to deflect thrown bars of soap and toilet paper rolls (at least, he hoped they were toilet paper rolls) and other strange objects he had never seen before away from his face. "Sorry!" he yelled as the door swung shut behind him. "Wrong room!" He considered using his Keyblade to seal the door shut, but didn't think that would really accomplish anything. "Okay, guess we should see what's behind door number two."

And if there's nothing there, we can just take whatever's behind the curtain, Roxas joked.

So, Sora cautiously opened the door and entered the Nobody bathroom. Moments later, he was sent hurtling out of there as well, deflecting objects thrown at him by the irate Nobodies. "Okay, okay, I get it! Sorry!" he yelled at the occupants as the door closed.

Let me try, Roxas suggested. As a Nobody, I shouldn't have a problem getting in. And once we're inside, we can swap in a stall and you can go, as long as it's fast.

Sora nodded. "All right." In a flash of light, he and Roxas switched places…

And the door to the Nobody restroom burst open and a swarm of Dusks, Creepers, and a Samurai or too rushed out, crying, My liege! My liege! My liege!

My liege! My liege! More Nobodies yelled as they portalled in.

My liege! My liege! My liege! Soon Roxas was surrounded by eager Nobodies who danced around him and on the ceiling.

"Argh, not again!" Roxas yelled, swapping with Sora again quickly before he could be dogpiled like the last time. The Nobodies looked around in confusion when Sora replaced Roxas, and left in disappointment. Or an approximation of it, since they were Nobodies and, well, you know.

"Well, that could have gone better," Sora said sarcastically. "And I still need to go!"

"Go where?" a familiar voice asked.

Sora yelped and whirled around to find Pete standing behind him. "Ack! Pete! What are you doing here?"

The cat-thing frowned. He had forsaken his usual armor for a large and ill-fitting tuxedo and dinner jacket with a clip-on bowtie and a plastic corsage. His hair was slicked back by grease and he reeked of some horribly cheap cologne. "It's my castle. Er, sorta. Whatcha up to, brat? Your little friends dump you or somethin'?" He leered at Sora.

"No," Sora said angrily. "We just wanted to take a look around. And…" He glanced at the bathroom doors.

Pete understood at once. "Oh, I see. Need to go, huh?" He laughed heartily and whacked Sora on the back, almost knocking him to the ground. "Ah, that's rich. You wouldn't believe the number of times I went into the wrong room too! The one yer' lookin' for is that door over there," he said, pointing to a third iron door that neither Sora or Roxas had noticed before with a spiky circle with a barbed X going through it.

"Oh…thanks!" Sora said in relief, running for the door.

How'd we miss this before? Roxas wondered as they entered the restroom.

When Sora was finished, he found Pete was still waiting for him out in the hallway. "Well, if yer' done lollygagging around, we gotta go!" Pete said, turning and walking away. "Maleficent wants ya to meet her guests! And boy, do we have a lotta them!"

"Oh yeah…hey! King Mickey and the others will be there too, right?" Sora asked hopefully as he followed Pete down the hallway.

Pete frowned. "Hm? Oh yeah, they're here too…and a buncha yer' other pals, I suppose, and some other big important world rulers. Heheh, you shoulda seen the looks on their faces when they stepped out of the Gummi ships or portals we gave em' and got their first look at this new world! They looked as if they were gonna drop dead from shock! (Well, except that one skeleton guy and his buddies, cuz they were already dead…) Ha, one of the oldest geezers almost did, had a heart attack, good thing the Truce and Maleficent kept the Heartless from doing anything…ho boy, I think most of those losers have never seen another world before!" He laughed again. Sora frowned, for he didn't particularly find it funny. "Hey, speaking of which, do yer buddies from all over know you're from another world too?"

Sora paused. He flinched and gritted his teeth. "Oh no…" He just remembered that most of them, in fact, did not. To maintain the world order of the time, he had told them he was just from 'somewhere else' and left it at that, only going into vague details about the Islands if questioned too hard, but never mentioning (unless it was unavoidable) that he wasn't from their world. And now that so many of his friends had been invited here and would meet each other, they would quickly realize they had a common friend…and begin to wonder just who exactly he really was…

Pete chortled again when he saw Sora's face. "Hoho, this is gonna be one hell of a reunion!"

"Yeah…" Sora said faintly. "You can say that again."

Want me to portal us out of here? Roxas asked.

Sora sighed. "No…might as well get this over with now rather than later."

"Who you talking to?" Pete asked with a frown.

"The voice in my head."

"Oh right, I forgot about him…" They continued walking a short distance, until they came to a large set of double doors with embossed thorns on them. "Welp, here we are!" Pete pushed the doors open to reveal…

A very large chamber with a high, domed roof covered in twisted vines and power conduits, with several very bright crystal orbs dangling from the ceiling to provide light. Three of the walls were lined with railings and mirrors to make the room seem even larger than it already was, and the back wall was lined with tall glass windows and doors overlooking a wide balcony gazing out at the city below. Some guests were out there, taking in the view, getting a breath of fresh air, or making out with each other. There were various tables set with refreshments and beverages for the hundred or more guests milling about the floor, chatting amicably or glaring daggers at each other. The majority of the guests Sora could see were clearly evil; there were monsters, evil kings and queens, various sorcerers, wizards and witches, aliens, demons, robots, crime lords, corrupt politicians and religious leaders, and greedy businessmen. There were also a number of lesser-seeming creatures, probably the minions and lackeys of the higher-ranked villains, running about here and there to fetch their masters drinks or snacks from the refreshment tables. Said tables were manned by Dusks and Neoshadows in immaculate white tuxedos and bowties, with more food and drink portalled in from the castle kitchens by the minute, carried on platters by Creeper servers or a new species of Heartless Sora had never seen before. They looked like short green lizards in brown robes with the Heartless emblem stamped on the front and a stumpy tail, stubby arms and feet, and comically large yellow eyes dominating their small heads. They also wore the typical white chef's hat, and fended off any hungry guest who wanted to swipe food from them by bringing out a tiny butter knife, the sight of which terrified the guests so much they cowered in fear and tripped over themselves trying to get away. Those are Tonberries, Roxas recognized at once. A very dangerous species of Heartless. They don't look like much and they're pretty slow, but they're very resilient and they can do things with that knife that you can't possibly imagine. Axel and I unleashed some Tonberries on this town called Silent Hill once (Not sure why he insisted on making all of them wear pyramid-shaped helmets), and…well, let's just say that the people who came after were never able to clean up the blood staining the streets and just about every inch of every building, inside and out.

"…Why did you do that?!"

I was evil, duh. Did lots of other stuff that was just as bad if not worse, anyway. Sora's eyes bugged out at that. But anyway, Tonberries are horrific killers, but they're also gourmet-rank chefs. We lobbied Xemnas constantly to get Tonberry chefs for the kitchen so we didn't have to go through the horror that was everyone else's pathetic and nearly lethal attempts to cook, but Xemnas pointed out the last time he had tried that our Nobody minions were killed by the Tonberries by the dozens to make our meals, and they also murdered a number of former members of the Organization. Like one of Marluxia's many predecessor, for one thing. (We always had such a high death and turnover rate among the lower seven, and Axel joining and getting drunk now and then didn't help)…And besides, when we did try to smuggle a Tonberry in anyway, Larxene got into a competition with it to see who could cause the greatest amount of suffering and torture, and that wasn't pleasant for anyone, let me tell you. (Especially when she lost

"Hey. Hey! I'm talking to you!" Pete snapped, shoving Sora.

"Huh? Oh, sorry," Sora apologized. "I was just talking to the voice in my head again."

"For that long?" grunted a doubtful Pete. "I think there are pills you can take for that or somethin'. So anyway, what do you think?"

Sora stared out at the ridiculous number of criminals, dark lords, evil magicians, and monsters gathered in the room, many of whom had now taken notice of him and were giving him very wicked looks. "I can honestly say I'm very glad there's a Truce on right now. Can you take me to see my friends now?"

"Not yet, Maleficent wanted ta introduce you to her friends first, heheheh. Come on." Pete led the reluctant Sora across the great hall's floor, rudely shoving people out of the way and loudly saying, "'Scuse me, coming through, Groom here, outta my way, move it or lose it!"

Now can we portal out of here?! Roxas asked.

"They'd probably just send someone to drag us back," Sora said uneasily. "And besides, I need to see King Mickey if he's here, and everyone else too. I…probably have a lot of explaining to do…"

Soon enough, they found Maleficent, who was standing by a table where servers were pouring out drinks and laying out various disgusting-looking dishes while discussing evil plans with a number of other interested villains. "Ah, Keybearer," the evil fairy said, looking pleased when Pete pushed Sora before her. "I was wondering when you'd get here. I'd like you to meet some of the core members of my new Dark Circle, the allies with which I intend to bring darkness to all worlds. Dear comrades, this is the boy I was talking about, Sora, who is one of the largest roadblocks to universal domination. We will have to deal away with him as soon as possible. Sora, allow me to introduce you to my friends. Some of them you may remember quite well."

Sora did indeed. "Oogie Boogie?!" he cried in disbelief, seeing a familiar glowing sack of wiggling insects and crawling things. "Didn't I kill you?! Twice?!"

"Heheheheheh. Yes and no," the bag of filth said as he stuffed more bugs down his throat from a bowl full of worms and insects on the table. "Y'see kid, the thing is that I'm what they call a co-llec-tive consciousness." A snake darted out of his mouth for a moment to hiss and accentuate the 's's at the end of consciousness.

"A what?" said the confused Sora.

"It means I don't have one brain, but tons!" Oogie explained proudly, his belly writhing with the grotesque things slithering over each other in there. "Every little thing inside me's got a bit of me in it! When those little bits get together, they form Oogie! When scattered, like if some rotten brat rips open my sack with a giant key, they run around in confusion a while and eventually come back together to give me life again. Next time you want to kill Oogie Boogie, you'd better make sure to kill all of me, because if even one teeny weeny itsy bitsy tiny little bug gets away, it can eventually infect enough other bugs to become Oogie again!"

"Oh, okay. I'll make sure to bring bug killer next time," Sora decided.

"You do that," said Oogie, shoving the rest of the bugs in the bowl into his mouth and denying a number of hungry monsters and insectivorous minions any.

"You'll have to do better than bug killer to stop me from keelhauling you next time we meet, boy," another villain spat at Sora with unbelievable bile and venom in his voice. "When no Truce is protecting you!"

It took Sora a moment to recognize the figure. "No way! Captain Hook! What happened to you?!"

Indeed, the once proud and somewhat handsome Captain Hook was almost completely unrecognizable. While he still wore his red jacket and hat, both were somewhat worn and tattered, and the majority of his body had been replaced with machinery. Both his hands were hooks now, but transformed into rather large metal fists which were clenching so hard they were pressing dents into themselves, attached to robotic arms which hissed as their pneumatic muscles flexed to accommodate Hook's motions and tension, letting off exhaust from vents and ports on his body. Most of his chest was mechanical as well now, with only a little bit of the original torso, conveniently enough where his heart was, still remaining. The rest was metal and had a plexiglass cover over the abdomen showing the whirring gears and machinery that had replaced his stomach. His legs were built similarly to his arms, with pneumatic pumps and muscles and hinges, but ended in oddly shiny black boots much like the kind Hook had worn the last time Sora had seen him. The pirate's head hadn't escaped whatever horrible accident had destroyed most of his body, as the left side of his face and the lower part of the right were now replaced by a large almost monocle-like eye which telescoped out to get a better look at Sora, a metal spike in place of the left side of his finely trimmed mustache, and a mouth full of rather sharp metal teeth which were grinding against each other and making a screeching noise as Hook glared hatefully at the Keybearer. His right eye, ear, and nose were still fine, though, as was most of his neck and the back of his head. "What happened? WHAT HAPPENED?! YOU FED ME TO A CROCODILE YOU LITTLE BRAT, WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED?!"

"Oh! Uh…well…" Sora gave the Captain an uneasy grin. "I…I didn't think it'd actually eat you…"

Hook leaned in angrily, filling Sora's vision with his face and making the air smell of oil and metal. "IT'S A BLOODY CROCODILE! A BLOODY FLESH-EATING RAVENOUS CROCODILE THAT'S LUSTED AFTER ME FOR YEARS EVER SINCE IT TOOK MY HAND! WHY THE HELL WOULDN'T IT EAT ME?!" Vents in the back of his head let out steam generated by his anger overheating the mechanisms holding his body together.

Nice going, dumbass, Roxas commented.

"I, uh…kind of assumed you'd get away…" Sora said, swallowing down a deep feeling of guilt.

"Oh." Hook leaned back, looking very frustrated and annoyed. "Well, I think it's obvious I DIDN'T, now did I?!"

"Sorry?" Sora apologized anxiously.

"Not as sorry as you're going to be when I test out some of my new attachments on you," Hook promised, his robotic hands undergoing some more transformations, showing off buzzsaws, laser cutters, plasma blades, blowtorches, chainsaws, and a number of other nasty implements to the poor boy. "I think I'll start by gutting you like a fish, followed by skinning you alive…I can use your hide as a rug for my quarters in the new ship I've been given."

"A humanskin rug?" Another villain, an older woman with hair that was half black and half white and a large fluffy white and black-spotted fur coat shook her head and took a deep drag off of her cigarette, blowing the smoke into Hook's face and fogging up his telescopic eye. The pirate cursed and turned on a miniature windshield wiper attachment to clean it off. "Darling, that's so gauche. Gorrilaskins are more in season at the moment." The woman took another drag from her cigarette, shook the ashes into a bowl of blood (Favorite drink for vampires and Heartless, among other kinds of undead) and gave a long, bored look at Sora. "Child, who picked out your wardrobe?"

Sora blinked and looked down at his magic clothes. "Uh, three fairies?"

Or our mom, Roxas added.

"Ah, that explains it," the woman said with a nod. "Fairies do have the worst fashion sense."

Maleficent bristled. "Excuse me?!"

"No offense darling, but black is so last week. Didn't you know that brown and polka dots are the in thing now?" the woman asked, indicating her long dress, which was in fact brown and spotted with numerous gaudily colored polka dots. Pete snickered, as did Oogie and one or two other members of the Dark Circle, until Maleficent shot warning glares at all of them.

"And you are…" Sora said, not liking this woman already.

"Cruella DeVille," she said, blowing smoke in his face. "Fashion magnate, trend-setter, and former model."

Sora coughed and waved the smoke away. "Ah. Uh, nice to meet you."

Not, both he and Roxas thought.

"Why'd you invite some ugly ex-model again?" Pete whispered (loudly) to Maleficent.

"Are you kidding me? Fashion is one of the cruelest and evilest businesses there is. Plus, she skinned ninety-nine adorable Dalmatian puppies to make her latest line of clothing. How could I not let someone that evil join?" Maleficent rolled her eyes. "Even if she does constantly mock my fashion sense."

"You know darling, I think if you lost those horns and grew some hair we could really bring out the color of your eyes," Cruella told the witch. Said witch's eye twitched and she entertained herself with thoughts of gouging Cruella through the face with said horns.

"Hey, Keyboy! Good to see you again, sport!" said another familiar villain, a towering blue-skinned man with a long chin, sharp yellow fangs, and a black cloak whose bottom swirled in clouds of smoke as he slid over. He also had blue flames for hair. He grabbed Sora's hand and shook it a little too hard. "I never got to congratulate you for whupping me in that tournament…so many fucking times…" His flame hair started spurting, his hand started crushing Sora's, and his skin began turning a dangerous red. "But hey, I'm all over that!" he said with a very, very tight grin as his skin went back to plain blue again. "Easy come, easy go, you know? So, why don't you come on down to the Underworld for my next tournament and I can pay you back. In blood! Or hopefully, excruciating pain."

"Uh, thanks Hades, but I think I'll decline," Sora said nervously. "I don't think my mom would like it if I ran off to some dark, dank Underworld where I could catch a cold or lose my soul or something."

The god of the dead gritted his teeth. "Your loss. More like mine really, but hey, whatever."

A new tournament? That kind of sounds like fun, Roxas commented. Sora did not reply, because now probably wasn't the time to talk to a voice in his head. It was never a good idea to show signs of possible insanity in front of a group of supervillains.

"So, I see Ursula isn't here," Sora said, quickly changing the subject as he glanced at the other unfamiliar faces. "Since Oogie, Hades and Hook are here, I was half-expecting her to miraculously return somehow…maybe Jafar, too."

"Oh, she did," Maleficent said. "Jafar, too."

Sora blinked. "They did?"

"Yup," said Pete. "But Jafar's stuck in his lamp, and Ursula couldn't come."

"Why not?"

"Because I ate her," said another one of the Dark Circle calmly, a very large, almost obese shark with a humanoid upper body and arms, wearing a purple toga, a few rings, and a bald but very intelligent-looking head floating in a large bubble of water magically suspended off the ground. A Heartless server tossed some dead fish into the bubble, which the shark savagely and gruesomely devoured, gnashing it to pieces with his huge serrated fangs and filling the bubble with clouds of blood until a Dusk server drained it out.

Sora swallowed and looked at the shark's belly and mouth and decided that yes, even the enormous Ursula could probably have been devoured by such a fish. As could he, for that matter. "Uh, thanks, I guess. For, um, saving me the trouble of having to kill her…again…"

The shark grinned, showing off his many, many serrated teeth. "You're very welcome. Emperor Shaga of the Sharkanians and enemy of Atlantica, at your service. It's a pleasure to eat you, Keybearer."

"D-don't you mean 'meet' me?" Sora asked anxiously.

Shaga's grin grew wider. "No." Sora began to sweat, which he was sure was only arousing Shaga more, since he was pretty sure sharks could smell fear (or was that dogs?). He made a mental note not to go near Atlantica anytime soon, a sentiment Roxas echoed, though it was more out of distaste for singing than fear of sharks. Maybe he should stock up on shark repellent though, just in case…

"And, uh, who else do we have here?" Sora asked Maleficent so he would no longer have to look into Shaga's cold, almost dead, eyes.

"I'm glad you asked. This fine gentleman over here is Vayne Solidor, ruler of the Archadian empire," Maleficent said, gesturing to a young man with long dark hair and rich clothes talking to thin air…or rather a large gray transparent ghoulish thing floating in thin air with small yellow eyes staring out from a dark recessed space. "And his 'spiritual advisor', Venat of the Occuria."

"Guess you're not the only one who talks to voices in his head, huh kid?" Pete whispered to Sora, elbowing the boy in the side.

"Greetings," Vayne said, nodding to Sora and raising a wineglass. "I take it you are the one who opposes us?" He smiled faintly. "You and I aren't so different, you know. I also struggled hard to liberate my world of Ivalice from those who would subjugate it and put the reins of history back in mankind's hands, much as you have struggled to liberate your worlds. It's a shame we must find ourselves on opposite sides in the coming conflict."

Sora blinked in confusion. "Uh, but then why are you helping Maleficent to subjugate more worlds then?!"

"I'm not helping her directly," Vayne denied. "I'm not giving her troops or helping her fight her war, merely lending her the use of my world's resources and airship factories in return for the Heartless. I'm still fighting a war of my own against those who would deliver Ivalice back into the hands of its former oppressors, and the Heartless may give me the edge I need to free my world forever."

Sora frowned. "So…by 'putting the reins of history back in mankind's hands'…you mean in your hands. Seems to me that's no better than letting whoever controlled your world before keep doing that."

Vayne frowned at Sora. "I am but one man, and do not expect to live forever. I am trying to secure my world's freedom in my lifetime so that those who come after me may enjoy a time of peace and prosperity unlike any that has come to Ivalice beforehand."

"Through force? And war? And the Heartless, of all things?!" Sora said incredulously. "It seems to me that you're no better than Maleficent or anyone else here, then. The ends don't justify the means. I had to teach a good friend of mine that the hard way."

Vayne frowned and put down his wine glass, unfinished. "Well, I see the 'Hero' bug has bitten you too, hasn't it?" he murmured. "I'll let you discover the truth of things the hard way. Come, Venat, we have better things to do than argue with little boys pretending to be grown-up." He turned and walked away. The ghostly apparition stared at Sora for a moment, then followed.

Well, he seemed nice, Roxas commented. If delusional. Though it's nice to see there are other guys who've got 'imaginary friends', so to speak. I think Venat saw me inside of you…weird.

Hades coughed. "coughlosercough"

"Totally in denial," agreed Oogie.

"It seems that he had better see the truth of things…those who do not often get consumed by reality," said Shaga, once more grinning.

"A shame, though…he really does have such exquisite taste in clothes," Cruella noted. "Shaga, if you do eat him, be sure not to digest the clothes. I've heard that sharks can keep all sorts of treasures intact in their bellies for years, and I have no qualm with cutting open yours to get a hand on his wardrobe." The large shark stared at her for a moment, not actually afraid but noting that she meant every word.

"Moving on," Maleficent said, "We have two other possible investors whose interests in my operations are more for financial reasons than inter-world domination. Than again, as businessmen, a case could be made saying they want that as well, though a different kind. Sora, meet Shere Khan and Flintheart Glomgold, two of the richest men in the galaxy." She was referring to a tall tiger in a business suit who looked as if he could probably tear a man in two with his bare hands if it weren't such a mess to clean up afterwards and a short, old duck wearing a kilt and Scottish garb, with a cane, plaid beret, and small eyeglasses on the end of his beak.

"I thought Scrooge McDuck was-" Sora started to say.

"DON'T say that name around me!" the duck snapped. "Or Truce or no Truce, I'll break my cane over your backside, laddie!" Sora didn't doubt he would.

"Assuming there's enough of him left after I'm done with him to cane," Hook snarled, holding one of his more deadly appendages threateningly.

"And then I'll eat what's left of that," Shaga noted calmly.

"And I'll take what's left after all of you are done," Hades said cheerfully. "Because by that point, he'll be in my jurisdiction."

Sora laughed nervously and reflexively called his Keyblade, though he doubted it would be of much use at the moment. NOW can we run away?! Roxas yelled. Then again, they'd probably catch us before we could make a move…

"Scrooge McDuck is indeed the richest individual in the worlds, at this moment," Shere Khan said much more calmly than the irate duck. "However, in the world of finances being at the top of the hill is a precarious position at best, though highly coveted by all. If Mr. Glomgold or myself decide Maleficent's venture worth investing in, the return may indeed be enough to knock McDuck off the top and secure either one of us in his place. However," he said with a frown. "I have not yet decided if this venture is indeed worth spending my munny on. Unlike Mr. Glomgold, I am more interested in making munny than beating a rival. I may choose not to invest at all. However, war is a very profitable business, and it is clear that one is rising between the Realm of Light and the Realm of Darkness…so in the end, I suppose it depends on whichever side makes the best offer for my company's future."

"Then you don't care which side wins?!" asked an appalled Sora.

"Of course I do," Shere Khan said. "Because that side is whichever one I wish to invest in. It's never a good thing to back a loser…unless by doing so you make that loser a winner. Which is why I've come here, to see for myself which of those Maleficent's faction may be. Afterwards, I will visit the worlds which will oppose her to see if they have a better chance…or perhaps, a better need…for my company, and then I will make my final decision. I would hope Mr. Glomgold would do the same…however, I rather doubt he will. He lacks the cool head required to truly succeed in business."

"My bank account and years of experience would say otherwise, laddie!" Flintheart snarled.

"Ah, it's one think to accumulate a vast amount of wealth," Khan said wisely. "But another to keep it…something you should remember more often."

"Cool head and heart of stone…" Sora muttered. "I had no idea business was such a harsh world."

Well, that's finance for you…nothing matters but the bottom line. I think one of the Number XIII's before me was a businessman, actually…or a stockbroker. Or was he a tax collector? Anyway, he fought with numbers and mathematics. Unfortunately, that math had no effect on Axel's alcohol-soaked brain… Roxas reminisced.

"I will do my best to convince both you gentlemen the benefits in investing in me," Maleficent told the businessmen smoothly. "Dark City is the future…it would do well for you to get a piece of it before it's too late. Now, Sora, let me introduce you to another fine fowl, Negaduck, one of the greatest criminal masterminds in St. Canard."

"Great, another hero brat," grumbled the long-billed mallard in the black mask, yellow suit, cape and wide-brimmed hat. "Like I don't have to deal with enough of those back home." He guzzled down some beer from the table. Pete would have drunk some too, if it were actually beer…

"And then we have the esteemed Emperor Zurg," Maleficent said, introducing Sora to a tall purple figure that may or may not have been some kind of android with no visible feet (his cloak or robes or whatever reached the ground), a purple cape, clawed gray gloves, glowing red eyes, and a mouth made up of yellow teeth that glowed when he talked rather than moving. He also had a large Z on his chest. "Arch-foe of Star Command, ruler of several star systems, and nemesis of space hero Buzz Lightyear."

"Wow, three emperors?" Sora asked, somewhat impressed. "Your standards have really gone up when it comes to who you ally with. Or is it down, since they're evil?"

"Why thank you," said Maleficent, flattered.

"Sora, I am your father," Zurg said dramatically.

"What?! You are?!" Sora cried in alarm. "Oh no, I was always afraid of this, that my dad would really be a bad guy! I had hoped this day would never come…" Roxas groaned and rolled his figurative eyes.

The villains stared at him. "Awkwarrrrd…" muttered Hades, edging away.

"Uh, kid, I'm not your dad," said a somewhat embarrassed Zurg.

"…Oh. Then why'd you say you were?" said an annoyed Sora, rather hurt because he didn't know who his father was and didn't like people poking fun at him because of it.

"It's just something us space villains are supposed to say at some point or another…protocol and all," Zurg apologized. "Why the heck would you think I was your father anyway?!"

That's a rather good question, Roxas pointed out, wondering the same thing.

"Uh, well…" Sora rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "I've experienced most of the other typical plot twists, so I always figured I might have to run into this one at some point. I don't know who my dad is, and my mom never gives me clear…or even consistent…answers. Sometimes she says she was swept off her feet by some stranger or tourist who she never saw again after their one night, other times she says I was born through immaculate conception, another time she said I was either left on her doorstep or she found me in a basket floating down the river while she was doing laundry…and more than once she says she found me in a shooting star that crashed down to the islands."

"Your mom's nuts," Negaduck snapped.

"Yeah, probably," Sora agreed. "But she's still my mom."

"Er, moving on," Maleficent said quickly. "I'd like you to meet Mozenrath," she said, indicating the final villain, a pale man with impeccable dark blue fancy clothes, a cape, and a strange gauntlet on his right hand. "The sorcerous ruler of the Kingdom of Black Sand. There are, of course, other allies of mine here at the party, but they're off mingling at the moment, or have yet to arrive."

"That's a very nice key you've got there," Mozenrath said calmly, looking at Sora's Keyblade. "I don't suppose you had to WORK for it at all, did you? It was just handed to you on a silver platter, wasn't it?"

Sora frowned. "Well, not exactly a silver platter, but…it kind of chose me, yeah. I had to work to keep it, though."

"But you still have it," Mozenrath pointed out. "And you still have all your little friends, and family, and your world safe and sound, don't you?"

"Yeah…" Sora said slowly, not sure where this was going.

"And you barely had to sacrifice anything at all, did you?" Sora was about to comment that he had suffered a lot and sacrificed his heart once, but he had gotten it back, so wasn't sure that counted. "Unlike me." The wizard held up his gauntlet. "This gauntlet is the source of all my power…but do you know what I had to do to get it?! What I must do to retain it?! Look at this!" He yanked his gauntlet off, revealing that his right arm up to the elbow was completely skeletal. "Look! Look at this!" he cried madly, thrusting the bony hand into Sora's face and causing him to cry out and stumble backwards in alarm. "Look what I had to give up! Look at my hand, boy, my hand!" He cackled insanely and continued to flail the mutilated hand about wildly, causing the other villains to back away so it wouldn't touch them. "Look at it! Look at it! Ahahahahahha!" His eyes rolled back into his skull and drool dribbled down his chin.

"Uh, okay…" Sora said, slowly backing away.

And they call you crazy, for talking to me, said Roxas, shaking his figurative head.

Maleficent quickly gestured Zexion over from…somewhere. The Nobody had changed his usual outfit to a white tuxedo like the rest of the servers. "Could you make sure Mozenrath gets back to his room, please?" she asked. "He doesn't seem to be feeling well. He's probably been skipping his medication again. And take that ugly minion of his out of here, I had to deal with enough eels when Ursula was still around, I don't need flying ones getting in my face wherever I go."

Zexion nodded. "Of course, ma'am." He took Zexion's arm and firmly slipped the gauntlet back onto it. "Come on now Mr. Mozenrath, nobody wants to see that in public."

"They have to see…they have to see…they have to see…" the mad wizard babbled.

"No, they don't. Let's get some drugs into you and stop your insanity, now." Zexion took the deranged sorcerer's arm and quickly guided him out of the room.

"Hmm, such a shame one as mad as he has to ruin such fashionable clothes with that gaudy gauntlet," complained Cruella.

"What a loony," grumbled Negaduck, drinking more not-beer.

"Eh, I've worked with worse," Zurg said.

"And had worse on my crew," Hook agreed. "Before I turned them all into Heartless."

"Hmm, they say a person can be judged by the company they keep…that madman's presence does not bode well for my final judgment of you, Maleficent," Shere Khan noted, causing the witch to frown.

"Why're we putting up with that guy again?" Oogie asked Maleficent.

"The same reason we put up with you, he's powerful and is of use to us," the witch told the fat sack of unmentionable things. "Even if that gauntlet is destroying his mind the more he uses it."

"I don't suppose all your other allies are like that?" Sora asked hopefully. If so, they might be easier to handle.

"No," Maleficent said cruelly. "They're much more competent. You have yet to meet the most powerful. Perhaps you will see them later. That should be interesting." Her grin was eerily similar to Shaga's when she said that. "Well, my friends, now that you have met Sora, what is your opinion of him?"

The villains all glanced at each other, then gave fiendish (and once more, eerily identical grins) to Sora. "He's toast."

"Yes, I thought so too. Still, it's best not to underestimate him, even if his chances against us are so infinitesimal." Not even glancing at Sora, Maleficent shooed him away. "Peter, take him away, please. Do what you like with him, I tire of his presence."

"Okie-dokie," Pete said, grabbing Sora's arm and beginning to lead him away. He stopped, though. "Uh, honeybunch?"

"Yes, Peter?" Maleficent asked, slightly annoyed.

"I thought you said your sister wasn't coming."

Maleficent rolled her eyes. "I have several sisters, Peter, many of whom were either able or unable to come for their own reasons. Be specific, please…oh." The witch's face fell as she saw who was coming their way, confused villains, monsters, and other evil things getting out of her path so they wouldn't be shoved or knocked over by her stride. "You mean the one I strictly forbade from coming anywhere near here."

"Yep," Pete said with a nod.
Approaching them was a tall, imperious woman about seven feet high, clad in a white dress and fur collar, with a crown of icicles in her hair, which had somehow been gelled back in a long point that could probably take someone's eye out. She held a long wand which she held like a staff, and nobody close to her seemed to want to be anywhere near it, for some reason. Behind her, huffing slightly from the effort of keeping up with her long stride, were a small group of villains, as well as a dwarf with a red hat. The woman stopped before Maleficent, chin high in the air, fixing the witch with a steady glare. Sora found that the room had gotten a bit colder all of a sudden, a few mirrors and glasses became coated with frost, a few drinks froze solid, and Hades had to coax his hair into staying alit so it wouldn't go out from this new villain's presence.

The woman stood there, standing for a good thirty seconds, before kicking the panting dwarf behind her without even looking. "Ow! Oh, uh, right." The dwarf cleared his throat and pronounced, "Presenting Her Imperial Majesty Jadis, Queen of Narnia, Chatelaine of Cair Paravel, Empress of the Lone Islands, the White Witch, here to see Maleficent."

"What, no titles for me?" Maleficent sneered at the dwarf, who cringed.

Word to the wise, Roxas informed Sora. A person who has a lot of titles is usually either full of themselves, is trying to compensate for ruling a pretty small area, or both. That's why Xemnas' only title was 'the Superior', so we'd all remember he was Number One. Literally and figuratively, that is.

"The heck's a Chatelaine?" Pete wondered, scratching his head and getting his hair stuck in his greasy hair.

"Who's this broad?" Negaduck wondered.

"One of Maleficent's many sisters, I think," Oogie reported. "I hear her dad's been with thousands of women. Heck, even more than your brother, Hades."

"Really? Wow," said a rather impressed Hades. "Beating Mr. Infidelity's record…that takes some doing."

"Darling, who does your hair?" Cruella asked haughtily. "It's positively disgusting. Though I like the crown." Jadis glared at the smoker and huffed.

"Maleficent," the white witch finally spoke, her voice reminding Sora of the frozen north. Not that there was a frozen north where he lived, but if there were it would probably be something like the icy mountains in the Land of Dragons. "So good to see you again."

"Yes, I suppose it is," Maleficent said with a clearly false grin. "And here I thought I'd forbidden you from coming anywhere near me, dear sister."

"You did indeed, but how could I possibly pass up the chance to see my dearest sister get wed at long last?" Jadis leered at Pete, who had managed to extricate his fingers from his hair. "And I suppose this is the unlucky man?"

"Yep!" Pete said, puffing out his chest in pride. "Wait, unlucky?"

"But of course," Jadis said with a cold grin. "You don't really think you have a chance with her, do you? Do you have any idea how many exes she's gone through? Some of them she was even engaged to. What makes you think she won't tire of you and drop you like the others?"

"Uh…" Pete scratched his head in concern. "Dunno. I never really thought about it before."

"Well, perhaps you should…before it's too late," Jadis sneered.

"Oh, and you're such an expert on romance yourself, sister," Maleficent taunted. "How many men have spurned you when laying beside you and finding out just how damn cold your feet are?"

"Yeah, too cold even for me, and I'm God of the Dead," agreed Hades. His companions stared at him. "What?"

Ew, Roxas thought, and Sora agreed with him.

Jadis' eyes flashed. "You!!" Enraged, she lashed out with her wand at the dark witch, only for it to bounce off an invisible barrier.

"Nah ah ah, we're under a Truce, remember?" Maleficent tutted. "And as long as that is in effect, opposing parties may not harm each other…unfortunately. If you want to lose to me, you'll have to wait for another time."

"Who's to say I'd lose?" Jadis challenged.

"Because, dear sister, fire always beats ice," Maleficent sneered.

"Ooh, cat fight, cat fight!" Hades said eagerly. "Even if they don't claw each other's eyes out, this should still be fun."

"Anyone want to take bets on which one'll win?" Oogie whispered to the others.

"I will," Shere Khan said, taking out his wallet. "Fifty munny on Maleficent."

"Twenty on Jadis, her hair may be awful but it's better than Maleficent's horns," Cruella said. "And I like her fashion sense better."

"I have no interest in betting, especially if it means I can't eat the loser," Shaga said with his eerie grin.

"Thirty on Jadis too, fire is overrated," said Negaduck, throwing in his lot. "You don't know cold until you've spent winter in St. Canard."

"And you don't know fire until you've seen it burn up a good chunk of your money," Flintheart shot back. "One munny on Maleficent."

"Only one?" asked Zurg. "Cheapskate."

"I'll put twenty-five on either one," said Hook. "That way, I can't lose…I think…"

"How bout you, kiddo? Wanna place a bet with the grown-ups?" Oogie sneered at Sora.

"Um, no thanks," Sora said, though Roxas wanted to place a hundred on Maleficent.

"What an…interesting group of allies you have here," Jadis said coolly. "Taking bets against you behind your back."

"At least they're a more competent bunch than your entourage here," Maleficent sneered. "Where'd you find them anyway?"

"I found them where you discarded or ignored them," Jadis retorted. "I saw the potential you did not and have banded them together into an alliance which shall conquer yours and usurp your position of power here. Behold my lackeys!" She spread her arms. "Gaston!"

"Hmm? Did somebody say my name?" asked a big, burly, and stupid-looking man in a tight red shirt, looking away from the mirror he had been admiring himself in in confusion.

"Duke Igthorn!"

"Mmm, these Gummi Blocks are amazing," the man in medieval chain mail and tunic said, chewing on a large Gummi block. "Much tastier than Gummi berries! Even if they don't grant super-strength…"

"Dark lord Chuckles, the Wacky Pig!"

"That's SILLY pig!" the very short caped pig said, waving a knuckle at Jadis. "Dark Lord Chuckles the Silly Pig! Get it right!" Sora couldn't help snickering, even though he knew he shouldn't, but everyone else was, including Roxas.

"Morgana, sister of the late sea-witch Ursula!"

"Can't…breathe…" a thin, greenish octopus woman rasped, her skin shriveled up as she lay on the floor, gasping. "Too…dry…need…water…" Shaga licked his lips hungrily.

"The Queen of Hearts!"

"OFF WITH YOUR HEAD! OFF WITH HIS HEAD! OFF WITH HER HEAD! OFF WITH EVERYONE'S HEADS!" a hideous fat woman in a red and black dress screamed, waving her scepter around madly and nearly clocking Jadis.

"The thief lord Abis Mal!"

"Uh, heheh, hi there," said a short, plump, balding man in clothes made for desert wear uneasily. "Uh, can you make that shark stop grinning at me like he's gonna eat me?"

"Only if you let me eat you," Shaga said calmly.

"Eeeeep!"

"The crime lord Al Vermin!"

"Can you make that giant bag stop looking at me like he's gonna eat me?" a giant cockroach in an ugly suit said nervously.

"Only if you GET IN MAH BELLY!" Oogie bellowed, shaking with laughter as spiders crawled out of his mouth and across his canvas skin.

"Eeeeeep!"

"Judge Doom!"

"I judge you all GUILTY!" yelled a pale man in a dark trench coat and hat with dark glasses.

"Of what?" asked Sora.

"…I don't know…" The Judge admitted.

"The Headless Horseman!"

Said horseman could not say anything since he had no head, so just waved.

"The Horned King, one of your exes!"

A skeleton with antlers and a red hooded robe stood there imposingly. Maleficent rolled her eyes, Pete assured himself he was handsomer than him, and Roxas wondered how a witch and a skeleton had intercourse, causing Sora to barely hold himself back from whacking himself with his Keyblade to get those thoughts out of his head.

"The great warrior, Gilgamesh!"

"I am Gilgamesh, the GREATEST WARRIOR WHO EVER LIVED!" cried a horned man with a dark complexion covered in face paint, flamboyant red robes and colorful battle armor, and eight arms, each of which held a large sword (some of which looked vaguely familiar to Sora) with kanji meaning 'replica' painted on each one. "Oh, and this is my partner Enkidu," he said, referring to a panting green dog with a colorful bandana, horned snout, and three red eyes, and a happily wagging tail. "Isn't he just the cutest thing? Awww, just look at him!"

"And Professor Moliarty!"

"Has anyone seen my glasses?" a short, squinty-eyed mole in a suit asked, wandering around with his hands out in front of him. "Oh? What's this?" He squeezed something he had bumped into. "It feels like some kind of…bag full of sand or something? With hard lumps in it?"

"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" screamed the Queen of Hearts, hitting the mole with her scepter.

"…You're joking, right?" Maleficent said, speechless, as her allies snickered, guffawed, or collapsed to the floor in laughter. Sora found himself wondering if he could possibly switch nemeses and become Jadis' foe instead, since she had the less formidable and dangerous-looking team. "THESE are your allies?!"

Jadis flushed angrily, making her face look slightly less pale. "Well, it would have been easier if you hadn't invited ALL the competent ones to your wedding!"

"Which is precisely why I did that in the first place…" Maleficent muttered.

"I'm competent…" grumbled the Horned King.

"Your performance in bed would say otherwise," Maleficent sneered, causing her allies to break out in laughter again and make Jadis' allies feel worthless, embarrassed, or indignant. (Or in Gaston's case, just oblivious.)

"And it doesn't matter," Jadis insisted. "I don't need supposedly top-notch villains on my side to prove I'm more evil than you."

Maleficent scoffed. "Please! You? More evil? I've drowned hundreds of worlds in darkness!"

"Ah, but have they all stayed that way?" Jadis sneered. "Whereas my world has remained frozen in winter since I conquered it one hundred years ago!"

"Oh, yes…your world," Maleficent said, rolling her eyes. "The only one you've managed to conquer, save the one you started out on. And look how well that first one worked out! You screwed up there so badly you had to start all over in the new world of Narnia! And who exactly do you rule there, anyway? Nothing more than a bunch of mangy animals and second-rate magical creatures!"

"All of which are slave to my every whim, forced to bow lest I destroy them utterly!" Jadis snapped.

"Maybe so, but there's still a rebellion in the works anyway, isn't there?" Maleficent pointed out. "A whole army gathering together for the atypical final battle? I have no such fear of dissension in my ranks, for even if my allies did choose to betray me, the Heartless they commanded will always serve the strongest…which would be me, for I can overpower any of them any day!"

"Well, there goes my plan to betray her," said a disgruntled Zurg.

"Same," agreed an equally annoyed Hades. Many of the other villains grunted their agreement as well.

"Your Heartless are nothing but one-trick ponies…creatures of darkness, weak to the light! My monsters have no such weakness!" Jadis boasted.

"Yes, but they need to eat, rest, and heal like any other mortal army," Maleficent pointed out. "The Heartless have no need for such things. Hearts are the only diet they need, and they can go a long, long time without any. Not to mention the Heartless can destroy worlds instead of just barely maintaining order like your monsters can."

Jadis snarled. "Yes, but you do not oppress and enslave the innocent and weak, merely kill them and turn them into Heartless or Nobodies, without having the satisfaction of seeing their misery and despair every day of their existence! I've kept my subjects trapped in a world without hope. I've kept Santa Claus away from my world for over a hundred years!" Sora gasped in horror at this, and a few of the other villains did indeed admit that was pretty evil.

"Oh yeah? Well, I almost turned Santa Clause into a Heartless!" Maleficent declared, getting more impressed noises from her allies. "And I intend to succeed the next time I try!"

"Ah, but you failed in the first place!" Jadis pointed out gleefully. "Just as you've failed your last two attempts at universal domination, all due to interference from a number of different factions! The only threat that exists to my rule are if four thrones in the empty castle of Cair Paravel were to find their destined occupants, and that will not happen anytime soon!"

"No, because by the time they got there, they'd find that my Heartless had already ravaged your winter wonderland and reduced it to nothingness," Maleficent snapped. "You may be scared of a few thrones, but I'm pretty sure an orbital bombardment would destroy your kingdom even more thoroughly than the occupants of those thrones would!"

"Ha! I need no space armada to show the universe how evil I am!" Jadis laughed.

"Psh, what does she know about armadas?" Zurg grumbled, folding his arms.

"Oh really? Then show me how evil you are!" Maleficent challenged. She twirled her staff. "Take me for example; I'm so evil that I'm going to set my fiancé on fire for no reason, then laugh about it!"

"Huh? Hey, wait a minute-" Pete started, before his tuxedo lit on fire, as did his greasy hair. He screamed and started running around in panic, crying for water, while Maleficent laughed evilly, as did her allies. Taking pity on the fat cat, Sora quickly cast a Blizzard spell, extinguishing the flames…though Pete's suit came out a bit damaged, and he now had a rather large bald spot. "Phew! Thanks, kid."

"Ha! That's nothing!" Jadis snorted. "I'm so evil I'm going to turn one of my loyal allies into stone for no reason!" Her allies gasped in horror at this. Cackling madly, Jadis twirled her wand and struck the oblivious Gaston in the back of the head, causing him to transform into a handsome (and oblivious) statue in a flash of light. Sora gasped. "Wahahahahaha!"

"Oh my god!" screamed Al Vermin. "She turned Gaston to stone for no reason!"

"OFF WITH HER HEAD!" bellowed a terrified Queen of Hearts.

"Oh no, why must all the evil masters I serve turn out to be lunatics who are prone to arbitrarily punishing their minions, including me?!" Gilgamesh cried. "Oh, this is why we set out as freelance in the first place, Enkidu!" He made a series of complicated hand motions as his dog whined anxiously. "Secret ultimate ninja technique: RUN AWAY!" He sheathed his swords, grabbed his dog, and ran off as fast as his feet could carry him.

"Hey, wait for me!" Chuckles cried, running after Gilgamesh. "I promise I won't punish you arbitrarily, only if you royally screw up!"

"Oh god, it's like the time with the Rock Ifrit all over again! Quick, everyone switch sides and join Maleficent, at least she'll probably only set us on fire if we make her angry!" the cowardly Abis Mal cried.

"I'd rather have severe burns than be displayed in Jadis' statue garden," Duke Igthorn agreed in terror.

"Yeah, I can tell you guys from experience that it hurts at first, but you get used to it, sorta," Pete said, brushing some soot off his burnt tuxedo. "How's my hair look?"

All of Jadis' remaining allies, save the dwarf henchman, Moliarty, who ran the wrong way due to his blindness, Morgana, who was slowly dying on the floor, the Headless Horseman, who couldn't see due to his lack of a head and ran the wrong way as well, and the Horned King quickly dashed over to the group of villains allied with Maleficent and hid behind them, quivering in fear.

Jadis blinked. "W-wait…that's not…I didn't mean…"

Maleficent threw back her head and laughed long and loud. "You may be evil, Jadis, but smart you certainly aren't." She walked over to the petrified Gaston. "For one thing, turning people to stone is so outdated. Didn't you know they invented an antidote for that decades ago?" She tapped her staff on Gaston's head. "Stona!"

Gaston's stone skin sparkled and turned back into flesh. He blinked. "Hmm?" He looked around in confusion. "Did I miss something?"

"You see? I win again, sister," Maleficent sneered.

"Not yet you haven't!" Jadis roared, slipping a parchment out of her sleeve. "I came here prepared! This scroll contains the counterspell to Truce! All I have to do is recite the single Word of Power written here, and your spell will be broken and we may do battle once more as we did in days of old! Oh, and destroying the scroll won't work either," she said quickly, seeing Maleficent was about to summon fire. "For since I'm holding it, you can't burn it without possibly hurting me, and your own Truce forbids it! So you can do nothing but watch in horror as I shatter the fragile peace you have wrought with a single word!"

"Uh oh," said an alarmed Pete. "This can't be good…half the villains here hate each other or the 'good guy' guests we invited, if the Truce is gone we could have total chaos on our hands! The wedding would be ruined!"

Not to mention we'd be fair game for all the people here who want us dead, Roxas pointed out. What should we do? Sora summoned his Keyblade again (it had vanished earlier), preparing for all hell to break loose.

Before it could though, a large dark-furred lioness paced towards the group, snarling. "Maleficent!" the lioness growled. "Where's the steak you promised?!"

Maleficent smirked, noticing Jadis stiffen at the sight of the lioness. "The Tonberries are still cooking it, Zira, it should be done shortly."

"It had better!" the lion roared. "I'm starving!" She sat down. "If it's not here soon, maybe I'll eat you. Or your mate, he certainly looks plump and weak enough." Zira salivated, Pete laughed nervously, Sora and the other villains blinked in confusion, and Jadis stared at the lion, eyes wide, mouth half-open to speak the Word, which she seemed to have forgotten for the moment.

"Is…is that…a l-l-l-l-lion?" Jadis gasped.

"Yes," Zira growled. "'It' is. Is that a problem?" Jadis opened her mouth to speak again, but her throat seemed to have gone dry.

"Maleficent!" somebody whined. Another lion walked up, except this one was bipedal and wore royal robes and a crown. "Why is there milk here? You said there wouldn't be milk. You know I'm lactose intolerant," he complained.

Maleficent sighed in annoyance. "I'll look into it later, Prince John. Now isn't exactly the best time."

"Hmmph. Well it had better be soon." It was then the prince noticed Zira. "Well, hello there," he said, trying to make his voice suave.

"Not interested," Zira said flatly. "Not even if your mother wrestled me into doing it."

Prince John bit his lip, eyes quivering. "M-MOMMY!" He started sucking his thumb, resulting in everyone except Jadis rolling their eyes or stare at him in confusion. The white witch's eyes, in fact, seemed to grow even wider, if that was physically possible.

"W-why are there lions here?" the witch asked shrilly, beads of sweat rolling down her face and staining her white dress as she stared at John and Zira, watching as the former just stood there sucking his thumb in an obvious attempt to lower her guard (in her mind, anyway) and think him harmless while the latter clearly didn't think that necessary and yawned at her while flexing her claws, showing off every single one of the very nasty fangs and sharp implements which would rip the witch to shreds if Zira decided to pounce, which she no doubt would any minute now.

"Why yes, I suppose they are lions, aren't they?" Maleficent said, feigning surprise while her allies (and Sora) looked between her and Jadis in confusion.

"What's wrong with the lass?" an annoyed Flintheart demanded.

"She looks positively terrified," said an interested Shere Khan.

"Oh, oh, I know!" Oogie cried. As a thing of nightmares, it only made sense that he'd be able to identify it before the others. "She's scared of lions!"

"Lions?" asked an incredulous Negaduck. "What's to be scared of? I mean, they're dangerous sure, but…well, not quite as terrifying as sharks," he said, glancing at Shaga, who smiled and nodded in agreement, showing off all his very nasty teeth as usual.

"Well, there are worse things to be afraid of," said Abis Mal. And he would know this too, for he was a coward and scared of most of those things.

"It all makes sense, now that I think of it…" Igthorn said. "Jadis mentioned earlier the only other threat to her hold over Narnia is some big lion…'Ashlon' or something. She must be projecting her fear of him onto other lions, or something like that."

Sora himself had a hard time understanding what reason there was to fear lions, but that was mainly because he was good friends with some and had actually been one for a while. She looks like she's going to pass out from fright, Roxas said gleefully. Do you think Maleficent invited these two just in case Jadis showed up? That's just like her! Sora nodded in agreement.

"So, sister, weren't you saying something about breaking the Truce?" Maleficent asked kindly. Jadis blinked and stared at her dumbly. "You know, that Word of Power that will allow us to battle once more? You sounded really enthusiastic about it; don't you want to beat me?"

"O-o-of course," Jadis stammered after several long seconds. She fumbled with the scroll in her hands, trying to open it without tearing it or taking her eyes off Prince John or Zira, whom she was sure would pounce the instant she looked away. After an embarrassingly long time, she managed to get it open, hold it in her trembling fingers before her, and stutter several times as she tried to get the first syllable out…

And screamed, ripping the parchment in two when a dark portal opened and another lion entered the room. Well, all right, this one's fur color wasn't exactly leonine, but it looked a lot like a lion. It had taken a female form, with a long red dress and a gold Egyptian headdress atop the immaculate black hair framing the green-eyed feline face. This one was even more terrifying than the other two, and combined all three lions (or almost-lions) were too much for her jangled nerves. Jadis shrieked again, turned, and ran away screaming at the top of her lungs, knocking over any guest unlucky enough to get in her way in her panic, smashed through the glass doors to the balcony, tumbled over the railing and plummeted, still screaming, to the city far below. Her dwarf servant looked around anxiously, squealed in fright, and scurried away.

Sora gaped. Even the other villains seemed stunned...though only for a moment. "Ha!" Pete laughed. "Have a nice trip, see you next fall!" he yelled after Jadis.

"I don't think she can hear you," Zurg said. The fat cat-thing grunted.

Shere Khan smirked. "I believe it's time for everyone to pay up, gentlemen." Grumbling, those who had lost the bet did just that. Sora looked at them in disgust, horrified that they were earning money from the death of someone. Then again, they were villains, so he supposed that should be expected.

"That was some good fear there," Oogie chortled. He turned to Al Vermin. "Now, GET IN MAH BELLY!" The cockroach screamed and ran away, the hungry Oogie waddling rapidly after him.

"Ouch, that's gotta hurt!" said a grinning Hades. "Oh well, now that she's dead there's no way she can refuse me! Hades is getting some action when he gets back to the Underworld!"

"Why are you referring to yourself in the third person?" asked Zira.

"…It's not important," Hades said after a moment.

"Maybe I should throw you off the top of the castle," Hook said contemplatively as he looked at Sora, twirling the last bit of his original mustache with his right hand, now a hook again. "Maybe, if you're lucky, you'll get skewered by one of the tower tops instead of falling all the way to the ground. Or is that unlucky?" He grinned evilly.

"Uh, you do remember I can fly, right?" Sora pointed out.

"…Oh. Right." Hook grunted in disappointment, his eager dreams shot down once again.

"My," said the amazed new lioness. "I haven't had an effect like that on anyone for quite a while. Who was that?"

"Oh, nobody important," Maleficent said dismissively. "How good to see you again, Mirage. Your timing is impeccable as always."

"Uh, hey, the horned guy's still here," Negaduck realized.

And so he was. "My business is not through with you yet," the undead horror groaned, his voice sounding like the whisper of the grave.

"Would that business have anything to do with fashion?" Cruella asked suddenly. "I think I could sell a brilliant new line of hats made from antlers just like yours. Sure, it's not exactly functional, but since when has fashion ever been?" Everyone stared at her. "What?"

"As I was saying," the Horned King continued. "My business is not-"

"Excuse me," Moliarty said, tugging on the Horned King's robe. "Have you seen my glasses?"

"What? No, now go away," said the annoyed King.

"But I need my glasses," the mole begged. "I can't see a thing without them."

"You won't be able to see if I pluck your eyes out either, now go away!" Dejected, Moliarty did just that, colliding with the equally blind Headless Horseman as he did so and causing the cranially-challenged rider to trip over him, falling to the ground and pinning the mole beneath his weight. Morgana flopped limply nearby, still dying. "Now, as I was saying-"

"I've been making the rounds. Have I missed anything?" Vayne asked, walking back up with Venat.

"Oh yes, Maleficent terrified her sister into jumping off the balcony," Shaga said, thinking sadly of how tasty her splattered carcass would have been.

"I said-"

"Ah, a pity," Vayne said drolly. "Where'd all these fellows come from?"

"Oh, uh, we decided to join forces with Maleficent when Jadis turned Gaston to stone for no reason," said Duke Igthorn.

"Ahem!"

Vayne frowned. "You know there's a cure for that, right?"

"Well, we do now."

"HEY! SHUT UP, I'M TRYING TO TALK HERE!" the Horned King bellowed angrily, getting everyone's attention again. "Ahem. Maleficent, I refuse to let you go so easily. This fat slob here isn't worthy of your time or your hand."

"And you believe you are?" Maleficent asked, raising an eyebrow in disbelief.

"I do indeed."

"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" the Queen of Hearts bellowed.

"You are GUILTY of trying to ruin a wedding!" Judge Doom agreed.

"There's no law against that, now is there?" Flintheart pointed out. "And as a villain, it's a given he'd break it anyway." There were grumbles of begrudging agreement from the other villains at this.

"I think we can both agree that there was something between us, Maleficent. Something with potential, with power, that could lead to a great love and a great evil," the Horned King continued. "Don't you wish to try again? To see what that potential may lead to? To domination of the universe?"

Maleficent yawned. "You're right, there was something between us, King…your stench. Never date the undead," she said in aside to Mirage and the others. "They reek terribly. That's part of why I dumped him to begin with, that and his ambitions were too small-time for me." They chuckled at this.

"Eh, you get used to the stench…sorta…" Hades muttered to himself.

"Small-time?!" cried the incredulous skeleton.

"Oh yes, you were always obsessed with some dinky little pot and how it would make you ruler of some quaint little feudal land nobody remembers called Prydain," Maleficent said, bored. "You talked about it all the time, even in our most intimate moments. It was really most annoying. Did you ever manage to find it, by the way?"

"I did indeed," the King said angrily, enraged that she would disrespect his goals so. "And with it, I did manage to conquer Prydain, and the rest of that world too! And it is no 'dinky little pot', but the great and terrible Black Cauldron!" All of them could feel the capital letters in the object's name. "It allowed me to summon an invincible army of undead soldiers! Kingdoms and empires fell at my feet, and any whom I threw into the Cauldron died at once!"

"And what have you done since then?" asked Maleficent, still bored. "Conquered any new worlds recently?"

"…Well, no," the King admitted, slightly embarrassed. "It's kind of hard to construct spacecraft in a world still in the middle of the Dark Ages. And it's a bit hard to transport several million skeletons plus one dark magical Cauldron through a portal without disrupting it."

"And your undead army is rather useless there, isn't it?" Maleficent said smugly. "All power, little brains."

"Hey, some of my best drinking buddies are undead," said an annoyed Hades, who Maleficent ignored.

"And your Heartless aren't the same?" the Horned King accused.

Maleficent shrugged. "Perhaps not, but they are much stronger in my opinion…and far more terrifying." Hades huffed again at that and crossed his arms with a frown.

"More terrifying? MORE TERRIFYING?!" Enraged, the King pointed at an unusually small Shadow Heartless Cruella had picked up and was cuddling, cooing it while tickling its tummy and rubbing its antenna and wondering to herself if she could somehow make a clothing line out of Heartless remains. A giggling Abis Mal, happy to find something smaller and weaker-looking than himself, poked its tummy and the Heartless wiggled happily in Cruella's grasp. "You call that terrifying?!"

"Sure, one may not look like much," agreed Maleficent. "But they grow rapidly. Would you believe that that single Heartless destroyed an entire world not too long ago? It crept through the shadows, seeking hearts to sate itself…and when it found them, that one Heartless became many, and those many became even greater in number as they devoured the population in secret, a little at a time, bolstering their numbers while increasing terror in the community. The people did not know what was causing these disappearances, only that all safeguards to prevent more from happening failed. Their fears ran wild, for an unknown threat is almost always even more frightening than one that is known. They accused each other of responsibility, and so trust and alliances were broken, rendering the people divided and weakened and that much more vulnerable. And then, when there were enough of the Heartless, and the fear of the populace was at its peak…they struck!" she said, snapping her fingers and causing some of them to jump. Abis Mal, who had been backing away from the little Shadow the more of the story he heard, screamed and leaped into the Queen of Heart's arms, who looked at him in confusion. "And then the world was no more. Oh, I don't deny your undead are terrifying, but they're an army, nowhere near as varied or adaptable as the Heartless or their Nobody cousins. Your soldiers don't know the meaning of subtlety. It's horrifying to see them outside your town walls, marching towards you unstoppably, but I doubt that fear is quite the same as that deep, dark terror most people have at the bottom of their hearts of some sinister force gathering where they can't see, waiting and plotting…plotting…for the moment to devour them utterly." She smiled warmly at the Horned King. "And they don't smell as bad as your undead, either." Sora reluctantly found himself agreeing with Maleficent on many of her points, especially the smell. After all, according to Riku's heightened senses, darkness smelled like cream and cherries, something which the undead he had encountered certainly did not smell like.

The skeleton fumed, his eyes glowing with rage. "You disrespect my power?! Fine, witch! Allow me to demonstrate the might of the Black Cauldron…and in doing so, prove to you that I am the only man worthy of you!" He spread his arms, power building around him and causing the lights to flicker and dim and glasses of drinks around the room to start shaking. "Come to me, my legion of the dead! Come to your master! Gwahahahahahahahaha!" Maleficent yawned, not impressed. The others weren't either, though Abis Mal leaped into a confused Judge Doom's arms, Prince John burst into tears, Igthorn and a couple of the more timid villains looked around nervously and Gaston started complaining that he couldn't admire his reflection properly if the lights weren't working. Morgana continued whispering for water as she slowly dried out on the floor.

Bursts of greenish light sparked into life all around the chamber, each generating at least a dozen figures, and causing the already full room to get very crowded as about a hundred gruesome armored skeletal or zombie warriors appeared, moaning and rotting and generally not smelling very good. The Horned King roared with laughter as a large Black Cauldron (note the capitals) floated down from the air and landed before him. Eerie green light emanated from the Cauldron, as well as creepy, otherworldly noises. "Behold but a small fraction of my army! Does it not fill you with terror?!"

"YES! YES IT DOES!" Abis Mal screamed, strangling Judge Doom in fright.

"MOMMY!" bawled Prince John.

"Oh dear," said an alarmed Igthorn.

"Uh, well, they are kinda scary…" Pete said anxiously, rather worried about the deadly (and probably unsanitary) weapons the undead warriors were carrying, despite the Truce.

"Ignore him. As I said before, I'm not impressed," Maleficent said.

"Same here. I've seen too many undead in my line of work to be impressed," agreed Mirage. "And my minions are much scarier."

"As a shark, I see—and eat—corpses all the time. In fact, I see most living things as just animate corpses waiting to be eaten," Shaga said with a grin and causing those close to him to look uneasy and edge away.

"Bah, some of the goons I've worked with are much uglier. And smellier," Negaduck said disparagingly.

"Ha, you want scary, you should see the aliens of Xenat-12!" said Zurg. "Now, those things are really terrifying!"

"I'm a pirate," Hook grunted. "I see cursed, undead sailors all the time. These aren't very different."

"And there's nobody but dead guys back in my place," said a bored Hades. "So this is nothing, really."

"We have undead all over Ivalice," said an unimpressed Vayne. "They're terrifying, yes, but they also make monsters like these nothing I haven't seen before."

These were, clearly, not the responses the Horned King was looking for. "You! Boy!" the King roared, pointing at Sora. "Tell them how much you tremble the sight of my undead horde, the Cauldron-born!"

"Um…" Sora scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Uh, sorry, but…I'm not really that scared of them at all."

"What?!" the King bellowed in disbelief. The undead soldiers looked a little disappointed too. "Why not?!"

"Well, these aren't the first undead I've seen either," Sora explained, thinking of the cursed pirates from the Caribbean. "And, well…all they can do is kill you, Heartless do much worse. Also, well…I've been to Halloweentown. Most of the people there are either undead or some kind of monster. And I was scared of them at first, but…when I got to know them, I realized they're actually just regular people like everyone else, who just look different and tend to enjoy scaring the bejeezus out of others. Not that I'm saying your warriors aren't vicious and uncaring fiends," Sora said quickly. "But on the battlefield I'd just treat them like any other opponent I've ever fought, because to me, that's all they are."

The Horned King's jaw dropped. The nearby villains and other guests laughed, as did Roxas. "You see, Horned one?" said Maleficent. "Even a young boy isn't afraid of your horde. Beyond the meager scare factor, they're little more than your average magical army which doesn't need fuel or rest and is easily replenished and can mend itself if damaged."

"But…but…" the deflated horned skeleton protested weakly.

"And your Black Cauldron," Maleficent continued. "For all its vaunted power, has one glaring weakness: if a person were to jump into it willingly, all its power is broken." She began to turn, and Sora thought for a moment she was going to tell him to jump in. However, instead she kept turning towards Cruella, or rather, the Heartless she was still holding. "There's a free, unclaimed heart in that cauldron over there," she lied to it. "It's all yours."

The Shadow's antenna perked up at this. Squeaking with joy, it hopped out of Cruella's arms, bounced off Pete's head, and sailed through the air towards the glowing cauldron.

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" the Horned King howled in dramatic slow motion, desperately leaning out over the Cauldron, arms spread out to stop the Shadow from dropping into the glowing black pot. However, he miscalculated his dive, and so while he did stop the Heartless from falling in, the creature landing on the back of his head and pushing off in rebound ended up shoving him face-first into the Cauldron. Even though it was shorter than he, he somehow managed to fit entirely inside it, vanishing into the glowing green radiance. That radiance increased when the last of him was in the Cauldron, and the pot began shaking ominously, along with the rest of the room. The undead warriors gave each other looks that essentially translated to 'Oh shit!' as the Black Cauldron rumbled violently and emitted more green rays of light, erupting in a tower of supernatural light which smashed into the ceiling and pooled outward into a giant swirling energy vortex, centering in the cauldron's mouth. The room shook, people fell over, and glasses broke as the skeleton warriors were all dragged, screaming, into the vortex, sucked down into the bottomless depths of the Black Cauldron, never to be seen again. With all its creations gone, the vortex retreated into the great pot, causing it to throb, glow, and crackle with magical energy. It flashed with green light, pulsating with power, and then…the Cauldron self-destructed, exploding with a terrific bang and burst of magical energy as well as the wail of hundreds of screaming spirits which rushed throughout the room and shattered a few mirrors and windows before finally fading away, the evil thing's power spent and dissipated forever. The lights came back on to full intensity, and all that was left of the Cauldron was a permanent scorch mark in the floor. The other guests applauded gleefully, for the air was much clearer now that the foul undead had left. (Not that there weren't still invited undead, but they had been conscientious enough to put on deodorant before arriving.) The poor, confused Shadow Heartless, deprived of its promised meal of hearts, wiggled its antenna sadly and crawled away.

"And so you see the true power of the Heartless," Maleficent boasted to her allies. "That a single member of the weakest variety was able to defeat a powerful dark lord and his army effortlessly."

"Very impressive," admitted Vayne.

"Yes, any doubts I had about this venture are erased completely," agreed Zurg.

"Not bad, not bad at all," said an impressed Mirage. "I could barely have done much better myself, and that's saying something."

"Ah, but before I forget…" She snapped her fingers, and Zexion appeared. "Zexion, dispatch divisions of our fleet to the worlds of Narnia and Prydain. With the death of the overlords who ruled there, the people will be celebrating their newfound freedom…which will leave them at their most vulnerable for a full-force invasion." Zexion nodded and left to do just that.

Sora gasped. "No! You can't do that!"

"Of course I can," said Maleficent. "Just as easily as I can order that fleet I left in orbit around your world to begin invading there. Keep your mouth shut, or the Destiny Islands will soon be facing the same fate as Narnia and Prydain."

Sora balked at that. He hesitated, uncertain what to do, or what he even could do. Sora…don't push it, Roxas advised. There's nothing we can do here.

"But-"

There's NOTHING we can do, Roxas repeated. And if you DO try something, and our world gets blown up for it, I'll never forgive you. And I don't think the others will, either. His heart sinking, Sora began to realize that this was, in fact, the truth. And so he said nothing.

"Hmm, I still haven't made up my mind," Shere Khan said. "However…tricking your rivals into destroying themselves and freeing their assets for you to take the way you did demonstrates a great deal of skill. I might actually learn something from you…curious."

"Well, I've decided," Flintheart said greedily. "I'm definitely backing Maleficent. With all the wealth that can be obtained by conquering worlds across the universe, I'll definitely become the richest duck there is!"

"Not if I get there first, bub," said Negaduck with a smirk. "After all, you're pretty old as is and you've gotta croak sometime…better that money should go to a young guy like me, rather than be wasted, right?"

"I'll have you know, laddie, I have every intention of being buried with my money, like the pharaohs of old," Flintheart sneered. "I'm even having a pyramid built back home. But don't think I'll be using it anytime soon…I'll probably outlive most of you, what with your high-risk lifestyles and low life expectancy as supervillains!"

"Hmm, only problem with that plan is that when you do die, all that money's just gonna sit around gathering dust and mildew until some tomb raider steals it, because hey, here's a news flash: you can't take it with you." Hades grinned. "Take it from a guy who knows."

"Assuming he winds up in your world of the dead," said Oogie Boogie as he came back, noticeably much bigger and with a large, Al Vermin-shaped bulge in his stomach. "There are so many, after all. How else do you think there are so many dead guys in Halloweentown? Yours truly excluded, of course, since I evolved as a collective consciousness rather than just showing up one day."

"I've never met a collective intelligence before," said an impressed Zurg. "You'd think I'd run into them more often, as an alien emperor and all, but you'd be surprised by how few there seem to be…"

"I met one once…and it was such a jerk!" pouted Abis Mal, crossing his arms. "Stupid soot demon. Why does my every attempt to join forces or utilize some powerful magical force always end in defeat?"

"Because you're a pitiful, ugly, incompetent man?" Cruella suggested, lighting a new cigarette. "Not to mention bald." Abis Mal's lip quivered, his tiny ego all but shattered.

"Does that apply to me, too?" Duke Igthorn asked unhappily, rubbing his covered head and the hidden bald spot there. Cruella nodded, and Igthorn pouted and munched on another Gummi block out of sorrow. Hook, who had lost most of his hair to the crocodile, rubbed his own balding head self-consciously.

"Him too," growled Zira, looking at Prince John, who was still sucking his thumb. "What a baby." That comment just made the pathetic prince think of his mother again, and start bawling once more, proving Zira's insult legitimate.

"Will you all be quiet?" Gaston asked, not taking his eyes off his reflection. "You're all too loud, how am I supposed to admire myself with all this background noise?"

"We do get to throw away the useless and stupid ones once they've served their purpose, right?" Mirage whispered to Maleficent.

"Of course," the evil witch said with a wicked smile.

"May I eat them when that time comes?" Shaga quietly asked Maleficent, having overheard.

"Why of course, Shaga, as long as you leave their hearts intact…for as weak as they are, those hearts may still be of use to us," said Maleficent. Including yours, she thought to herself.

The shark pressed his fingers together. "Excellent."

"Water," rasped Morgana, who had been ignored by everyone all this time.

Feeling rather sorry for her, and himself, Sora filled a cup of water from the nearby refreshment table and poured it on her, rehydrating the octopus slightly. "Can I go now?" Sora asked, feeling very depressed and hopeless for a change. "Or at least see my friends?"

"They ain't here," Pete said.

Sora stared at him for a long moment. "…What?"

"Pretty much all the do-gooders and non-evil world rulers left this little get-together here before you got here, complaining about how oppressive the atmosphere was, what with all us villains giving them leers and looks and sinister grins," Hades said with a similar grin. "Even Wonderboy and his Pop. Well, actually Zeusie wanted to stay and hit on all the hot evil babes here, but Hera dragged him off. I tell ya, if divorce wasn't against their religion…"

"Then why am I…" Sora stopped. He knew exactly why he was brought here. His shoulders slumped.

"I think you've seen everything you need to see," Maleficent said with false sympathy. "So now you may go. Pete, show him to the door, would you? I'm sure he could simply swap with his alter ego and warp, were it not for the fact that he seems to have so many fans in that state…" Sora started, shocked that Maleficent knew he could switch with Roxas…and his heart sank again, as he realized that nothing he and his friends had talked about in their room had escaped the witch's notice.

"Yeah, all right," Pete said, grabbing Sora by the arm. "Come on squirt, let's go." Sora didn't fight the cat-thing's grip as he was dragged once more through the room, automatically stepping over Moliarty and the Headless Horseman's prone bodies as they did so. Pete noticed this. "Hey, what's wrong?"

Sora stared at him. "I've just learned two worlds are doomed and there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop it without dooming my own. I've also learned that Maleficent is more powerful and dangerous than we ever imagined, and has been almost completely in control ever since we got here. Not only that, she's holding my world hostage, is using me to further her own schemes by showing the other villains she's got me under her thumb for the moment, and if that's not bad enough, I'm starting to wonder if the voice in my head is really as good a guy as I thought he was."

Hey, what's that supposed to mean? Said an indignant Roxas.

"Oh, well, tough luck with that," said Pete, not really caring. "But hey, before we go, how'd you like to meet my boy PJ?"

Sora blinked at the name. "Pajamas?"

Pete looked confused. "What?! No, Pete Junior!"

"Oh. Sure, I guess," Sora said with a sigh. Not like there was really anything else for him to do, right? And he didn't relish going back to the room and reporting that not only did he not learn anything helpful, but that two worlds had been doomed and he did nothing to stop it.

"Great! I'm pretty sure he didn't leave with the rest of the delegation from Disney Castle. Let's see, last time I saw him he was somewhere over…" Pete, having no idea where his son had gone off to, wandered aimlessly for a while, dragging Sora along with him until he got the idea to ask one of the servers for help, and soon after found PJ by a small table with a punch bowl not very far from where Maleficent's Dark Circle were chatting and discussing evil plans while occasionally being interrupted by a guest coming to greet the bride-to-be or one of the other villains. PJ himself looked a lot like Pete, only with less facial hair, and was a little shorter and not quite as fat, though he did inherit a bit of his father's body mass. He looked a few years older than Sora, college-age or above, perhaps just old enough to be classified by some as an 'adult'. Sora was somewhat surprised to see PJ's outfit, a dress uniform of sorts with some pieces of armor made for it. The outfit seemed to have been tailor-made specifically for his bulk, with a large belt around his waist that could easily be adjusted for growth that had several compartments attached to it, a navy overcoat with a white collar and gold pads with tassels on the shoulders worn on top of a red sweater with large gold buttons and wide cuffed sleeves, the right of which wore a thick metal bracer on the upper arm and the left of which had a very large piece of shoulder armor as well as a heavy gauntlet over his left fist. Another large belt ran down from his big shoulder pad and around his back, where it held a big round shield not unlike Goofy's in place. His wide pants were a darker blue and devoid of armor, though his boots did have a somewhat military look to them. Sora also did not miss the familiar mouse-head emblem of the Disney Kingdom embossed on PJ's shoulderpad, buttons, and shield. Wow, thought an amazed Roxas. He almost looks like Pete, just…not, you know? Sora nodded slightly in agreement.

"Oh, hey Dad," PJ said, taking his eyes off of the Dark Circle. "What's up?"

Sora was surprised again to see, for a brief second, a great deal of pride mixed with shame in Pete's eyes as he looked at his son. "Boy, I want you to meet someone very important." He shoved Sora forward. "This is Sora. You know, the kid with the big key. Thought you should get a chance to meet him before we destroy him completely."

"Oh, hey!" PJ said enthusiastically, grabbing Sora's hand (somewhat dwarfing it in his large gloves) and shaking the human's arm vigorously. "I was hoping I'd see you here! I've heard a lot about you from Mr. Goof and the King, and I wanted to meet you in person. You're a little taller than I thought you'd be, though…"

"I kind of hit a growth spurt recently," Sora said, which was technically true. "You're pretty big yourself."

"Heh, thanks," said PJ. "I inherited it from my dad. We're both big-boned…though that doesn't explain all of his weight."

"Hey!" cried an upset Pete as both younger boys snickered. "Hmmph. Well, can you blame me, with Tonberry chefs to make me my meals? Why, even your mother wasn't that good a cook! Uh, don't tell her I said that, okay?"

"You know…she's still not very happy about this marriage thing…" PJ said after a moment.

"Eh, who cares?" Pete said nonchalantly. "We've been divorced for a while now. It's a bit late for her to try and control my life, isn't it?"

"I guess, but…she does still care about you, Dad…you know that, right?" PJ pleaded.

Pete shrugged. "Yeah, but I don't really care anymore. I made my choice, and if she doesn't like it, too bad!"

PJ sighed. "It was that attitude that ended your marriage in the first place…" Pete just grunted.

"So, uh, PJ," Sora said, quickly changing the subject. "I notice you're wearing King Mickey's seal. Does that mean you're working for him, and not going to join your dad or anything?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah, I'm working for the King," PJ said with a nod, causing Pete to grimace painfully. "After the divorce and…and Dad got banished…I decided I wanted to do something to prove myself and distinguish myself from his legacy, so I transferred from college to the royal academy and decided to start training for knighthood."

"And you just had to be good at it, too…" Pete muttered unhappily. "Couldn't be evil like your old man, could you?"

"So you're going to be a knight, like Goofy?" Sora asked.

PJ nodded. "Yeah, and Mr. Goof's son Max is training too. We've been doing pretty well so far…we're in our third year at the academy and near the top of our class. We've both had to work pretty hard, though…Max, to show that he's earning the rank on his own merit and not his dad's, and me, well…to show I'm not gonna turn out like Dad." He gave Pete a sad look. "Sorry dad, but I don't really want to be evil. I'm not cut out for it."

Pete sighed unhappily, making it clear PJ's admonition hurt him deeply, though he knew it to be true. "Well…well, at least you're making something of yourself…" he said weakly. "I just…don't want to have to fight you one day, PJ, for being on the other side. You're sure-"

"I've made my choice, Dad," PJ said firmly. "Just like you made yours."

Pete's shoulders slumped. "Yeah. Yeah, I know." He was clearly disappointed, but not surprised.

Is this how it's like between fathers and sons, then? Roxas wondered. Are we really missing anything, then?

"I don't know," Sora murmured to his brother. "Because I've never had a dad, so I can't really say. I think it depends on the family, though…I'm pretty sure Goofy and his son are pretty close, though it might help that they're not on opposing sides."

"So, uh, PJ," Pete said, trying to sound like everything was okay. "Why'd you decide to stay instead of leaving with the other Disney dweebs? Wanted to stay behind to chat with your old man? Or maybe see some of the ladies?" He winked and nudged his son with an elbow.

"Uh, well…" PJ said uneasily, eyes shifting about.

He was saved from having to answer when the crystal globes above suddenly went out. "Hmm?" Maleficent looked up, frowning in suspicion. "That wasn't supposed to happen…" There was surprisingly little panic from the guests. Then again, most of them liked the dark, and so had little to fear. Well, several of them (such as Abis Mal or Prince John) did fear, especially since they were standing alongside many horrible creatures who dwelled in the dark, and…okay, maybe there was reason for a few to panic.

There were more reasons when the main doors to the room exploded off their hinges and slammed to the floor, followed by a tremendous gout of flame which lit the room anew and towered to the ceiling, licking the walls and rushing around the chamber to encircle everyone in a giant circle of fire. More guests panicked now, save for those who happened to be pyromaniacs/kinetics or fire monsters.

"What's going on?!" PJ cried, whipping out his shield and holding it over his right arm.

"Whatever it is, it can't be good," Sora said, his Keyblade reappearing.

This fire…Axel?! Roxas wondered hopefully.

"He's dead, Roxas," Sora grunted, muscles tensed and ready for action as he stared at the doorway full of fire. "We saw him die ourselves."

…Yeah…I know. This just seems like something he would do.

Pete's eyes were as round as saucers. "Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no."

Maleficent sighed in exasperation as she walked over, the confused Dark Circle trailing behind her, although Mirage and Hades both seemed to have an idea as to what was going on. "I knew he was going to show up sooner or later."

"What?! Who is it?!" PJ demanded.

"It's-" Before Maleficent could answer, the inferno in the doorway exploded into flaming comets in the shape of skulls, rushing around the room and screaming like the damned as they rocketed all about, impressing or terrifying the less jaded villains and making the more experienced and dangerous ones wary. Cruella lit a new cigarette with one comet as it shot over her head, nearly singeing her hair.

"Show-off," growled Hades. "I can do better."

"Than…who, exactly?" asked a confused Captain Hook, trying to shake the trembling Abis Mal, Prince John, and Duke Igthorn off his legs.

A huge, towering figure wreathed in flames stepped through the blazing doorway, raised its arms, and…made a peace sign? "YOYOYO, WHASSUP MAH HOMIES?!" the thing yelled in a deep, booming voice. All blinked at the figure and thought, 'WTF?' or an approximation of. The flames around the room went out, even the one on Hades' head, which pissed him off, revealing the dark and terrible newcomer for all to see, lit by the illumination from the city below and the flashing spotlights mounted on towers near the balcony outside, which swiveled magically to focus on him.

The shadows rushed to his side as he walked into the room, figuratively and literally. "Hey! Hey, get offa me you mofos, don't touch the goods!" the figure complained, shaking his legs to try and knock off the Shadow Heartless clinging to them. "You suckas rip my clothes and you are SO damned, y'hear me? Oh yeah!" The figure snapped his fingers, knocking the Heartless off and causing all the glass in the room to shatter, including poor Moliarty's glasses, and causing many to scream as broken crystal fell on them. "Mastah S is in the hizzouse, wankstas! Grovel before my pimpness, assclowns! Whoo!"

"…My father," Maleficent said deadpan. "Lord Satan." All nearby gave her incredulous looks, finding it hard to believe that THAT was her father. Her shoulders sagged. "I told him to act and dress decently if he came…"

"Well, I suppose this could be considered decent…for him, anyway," Mirage said wryly.

"Even I was never this embarrassed by my father," said a stunned Vayne. "And he was Emperor of Archadia...and could do a lot more ridiculous things than you would have expected."

Lord Satan, or 'Mastah S', was a hulking ten-foot tall being with very dark purple skin and ridiculously huge bulging muscles. Most of his skin was covered in tattoos depicting gruesome and unholy horrors and torments which looked as if they were alive, shifting and twisting across his flesh with every breath he took. A number of studded belts and chains were wrapped around his biceps and waist, straining to contain his immense muscular mass. He wore a torn red vest and large jeans with flared bottoms frayed at the ends and holes in the kneecaps so the large spikes there could grow out. There were holes on the back of his vest to let the spikes there grow out, too. A number of loose chains hung from his pants, randomly placed with no clear plan for aesthetics in mind. He had rather large hooves like a bull's instead of feet, with gold caps. Each of his hands was cloven, with three fingers, each of which had big black nails and enormous gold and diamond rings covering every inch of them. His arms had very big gold bracelets and hoops covering most of them, too. The tattoos on his bare chest were almost obscured by the tremendous amount of heavy gold and diamond-encrusted necklaces, chains, and collars draped around his neck, each holding a huge holy icon or bizarre symbol which would probably sell for millions and feed the population of an entire world for years and years. His noseless, grinning face was framed by a pair of big gold-capped horns and a huge, flaming, rainbow-colored afro. All the big, flat teeth in his smile were gold too, as were the piercings in his cheeks, horns, eyebrows, belly button, and various other places around his body. His eyes were hidden behind big, gaudy dark sunglasses which seemed to absorb what light was shining on him from the outside spotlights. "Yo, Maleficent! Give yo pimp-daddy a hug, woman!"

A grimace on her face, Maleficent stiffly stepped forward and did just that. "Hello, father," she said with gritted teeth. "How lovely to see you again…"

"Aw, come on bitch, you call that a hug?" Satan complained, pressing her into his chest and crushing her face into his enormous array of bling with his very powerful arms. "Show the big man a little love, girl, especially since he came all this way for your wedding!"

"That's Maleficent's father," Sora said faintly.

Whoa, said a stunned Roxas.

"Yep," said a terrified Pete. "And my father-in-law, or soon-to-be."

"Well, this explains a lot…" muttered Zurg.

"Like her horrible fashion sense," agreed Cruella. "It seems to be inherited."

"That thing is wearing enough gold to be his own money bin…" said Flintheart in disbelief.

"Yes, but even I would think twice about stealing it," agreed Abis Mal. "I don't like the looks of this guy. I mean, come on, what's with the hair?"

"You just don't like the fact that he has more than you, and you're envious," accused Igthorn.

"And you're not?" Judge Doom asked. Igthorn pouted and rubbed his head sadly.

"That's my girl!" Satan said, finally letting a very dazed and gasping Maleficent up for air. "Now…yo! Pete! Get over here, dawg!"

"Uh, I'm really more of a cat…thing…" Pete said weakly as he walked over, sweating both from fear and the heat Satan's body radiated.

"I don't gotta tell you you'd better be a good little man-whore for my favorite bitch here or else, right?" Satan said, putting a hand on Pete's shoulder.
"O-or else what?"

Satan began telling him exactly what. Maleficent and Mirage both had looks of amusement on their faces as they listened. Other villains had a wide range of expressions, from awe to disgust to bemusement to utter horror. Pete's face turned chalk-white and his pants grew significantly damper the more Satan explained what would happen to him if he failed to fulfill his duties as a husband in any way. "Ehehehehawcrap."

"Hmmph," grunted Shere Khan, thinking this more than excessive.

"Bah…I can do better than that," grumbled Hades.

"Uh, but I thought you were…and he's…" Negaduck looked back and forth between Hades and Satan, a little confused.

"The same person? Yeah, a lot of people make that mistake…" Hades said with a sigh. "It's kind of complicated. I guess you could say that we're both actually two different aspects of the same archetype…except I have better hair."

"Archetype? What are you talking about?" asked Flintheart.

"Your pathetic mortal mind couldn't possibly comprehend it even if I told you," the god sneered.

The old duck smiled grimly. "Oh, don't be so sure of that now. I've been around a long while…not as long as you perhaps, but I've learned a thing or two in my time. And one of those things…is that everyone has a price." He took out a checkbook. Hades suddenly found himself much more inclined to talk to the old geezer.

"Whooo…that's some serious fear there," Oogie whispered gleefully to some of his compatriots. "Guess even Jack Skellington's gotta be out-scared by someone. Though knowing Jack, he'd probably rather get tips from this guy than be totally upset."

"Mmm…I agree, it is a most delectable fear," Shaga said, licking his lips. "And it only makes me…hunger…" He glanced significantly at Abis Mal and Prince John, who were if at all possible even more terrified, causing the short balding thief to squeal in terror. Zira licked her lips and growled softly, equally aroused by all the fear.

"Hmm…perhaps he could give me some pointers, too…on what to do with a certain Keybearer…" Hook said, glaring at Sora, who was himself more than a little worried by this demonic creature's presence, intentions, and language.

"We cool, dawg? Great!" Satan clapped his hands, causing the glass to, miraculously, un-shatter and reassemble itself. "Then let's get this party started!"

"Father, the party's not until tonight," Maleficent gently corrected her father.

Satan blinked under his shades. "Huh? Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Maleficent?"

"This isn't a party, just a social gathering for all our guests to reunite or get acquainted with each other," Maleficent explained. "Tonight is when I have my bachelorette party and Peter has his bachelor party, to celebrate our individual 'last nights of freedom.'"

"Ohhhh..." Satan uttered in realization. "So I'm like, what, fashionably early or somethin'?"

"More like unfashionably…" Cruella muttered to herself.

"Yo, I heard that ho!" Satan yelled. "Don't you go shootin' yo mouth off at me, bitch! You want a good raping or something?!"

"No, not particularly," Cruella said, not impressed.

Satan huffed and crossed his arms. "Hmmph, you don't talk like that to Mastah S, no sir, where's the respect huh bitch? Motherfucking mortals these days…"

"Yes, so, if you want to party, I suppose you could come back later…" Maleficent said, trying not to sound too desperate to get her father out of there.

"What? Fuck that, bitch! You know it's always a party when Mastah S is in the house! Hooah!" He snapped his fingers, and suddenly a rotating disco ball descended from the ceiling, several boom boxes and stereos complete with demonic DJs appeared, loudly playing funk and gangsta rap, extremely vulgar graffiti covered the walls, and a few dozen extremely attractive, nubile, and scantily-dressed demonesses manifested and began dancing, attracting the eye of many a villain (and villainess). The Nobodies, with their extremely flexible bodies, quickly got into the groove, and the Heartless, strangely enough, seemed attracted to the demons, and began to dance with them, making many of the guests envious. "Oh yeah! That's what I'm talking about!" Satan then began to break dance, while all the Dark Circle stared in disbelief. Maleficent moaned and put her face in her hands.

"Well, um…that was weird," Sora commented.

Good lord, I don't think I've seen anyone break dance like that since Xigbar did in that misguided contest we had one day… Roxas reminisced, speaking of his days in the Organization. My god, it was horrible…we had no idea bodies could contort like that. And Demyx actually lost, incredibly enough.

"Uh, hey, maybe we should get out of here, while they're distracted by Maleficent's dad's dancing," PJ whispered to Sora.

"Good idea," Sora nodded back.

They quickly slipped out of the party while everyone else was distracted by the music and dancing demons. Some of the guests tentatively were starting to dance themselves. Once out in the much quieter and emptier corridor, the two young men were able to talk without having to yell over the music. "So, you're training to be a knight?" Sora asked PJ.

The cat-thing nodded. "Yeah. As you can probably imagine, I get a lot of beef about my dad, so…"

"So you feel you have to do this to prove them wrong," Sora finished.

"Something like that," agreed PJ. "Of course, I want to do this, too. As you've seen here, a big conflict looks to be brewing, and the Disney Kingdom—heck, all the worlds—will need as many good soldiers as they can get. I think I made the right choice in enlisting."

"Uh, speaking of which…did all the world leaders and my friends really leave the party? Were they ever here?" Sora asked.

PJ smiled at this. "Sure. Heck, Sora, a lot of them want to see you!"

"They do?" Sora asked in surprise.

"Sure, they said you had some explaining to do." Sora swallowed at this, and Roxas said, I told you so. "Yeah, a bunch of the leaders want you to testify."

Sora blinked at this. "Testify?"

PJ nodded. "Yeah, after the initial shock most of them got at learning there were so many worlds outside their own, and realized King Mickey wanted to ally with them and for them all to ally with each other, the smarter ones saw that even though they were from other planets it wasn't really that different than talking to people from other countries…just countries that are a long, long way away and populated by people the likes of which they'd never seen before. So they got down to diplomatic talks, once again at the encouragement of King Mickey, and a couple of your friends, to discuss the necessity of an alliance in the face of this really big military machine Maleficent's built up. Not all the leaders are certain they can trust the King though, or that the Heartless are really as bad as we say they are, so they want to hear firsthand from someone who's had the most experience with them, someone that many of them have met and they can trust…namely, you Sora."

"Me?!" Sora asked in disbelief.

You?! Agreed Roxas. Well, guess Riku was right. King Mickey does need to use you as a political pawn…

PJ nodded. "A lot of the leaders haven't met you, but many have, as well as your friends from around the worlds, and they've testified to the others that you're a trustworthy guy. They decided to listen to what you have to say before making up their minds on whether or not to join forces with His Majesty."

"Whoa…" murmured Sora. "So…whether or not the worlds ally may hinge completely on what I say and if I'm convincing enough?"

No pressure, right? Roxas said sarcastically.

PJ patted Sora reassuringly on the shoulder. "Don't worry, you can do it. We have faith in you. Heck, I never met you before today, but I still believed in you ever since I first learned who you were. You're kind of an inspiration to us knights in training, actually…"

"Uh, wow. Thanks," Sora said, flushing slightly. "So if they all wanted to hear what I had to say, why'd they leave?"

"Didn't like the atmosphere," PJ said, gesturing back to the room they had just left. "Honestly, can you blame them?"

"No, I guess not," Sora admitted. "But how will I find them, then?"

"We're having a bachelor party tonight for my dad," PJ told Sora. "All the male guests are invited, naturally, just as all the female guests are going to Maleficent's bachelorette party. The leaders (the male ones, anyway) intend to rendezvous there. We'll look out for you during the party and bring you to the leaders then. I don't suppose you have any female friends with you at the moment?"

"Actually, yes, I do," Sora said in surprise.

"Good, then she can testify to the female leaders at the bachelorette party. I think they might already be convinced of the necessity of an alliance, but every little bit helps." PJ glanced around. "Can you get back to your room okay? Because I have to get back to the party. His Majesty assigned me to keep an eye on my dad and Maleficent to see what kind of alliances they make and whatever plots they're up to."

"You're spying on your own dad?" Sora asked in surprise.

PJ winced. "…Royal orders. And…my duty to the kingdom takes precedence over duty to my father. Especially when…my father did what he did." PJ was silent for a moment. "Anyway, I have to go. I'll see you later, okay? My buddy Max is here too and he'd love to meet you as well."

Sora nodded, wondering once again what Pete had done that was so bad King Mickey had banished him from the kingdom. "Um…okay. I'll see you guys tonight, at the party. And…Donald and Goofy are here, right?"

PJ smiled. "Sure. They're not gonna let His Majesty out of their sight again…especially seeing as how whenever they do, he ends up disappearing. He's been absent for a year and a half, we're not going to let him run away from his responsibility to the kingdom again!" With that, PJ left.

Sora and Roxas began walking back to the room. "You know, I actually feel better now," Sora said in surprise.

You do? Roxas asked.

Sora nodded. "Yeah, now that I know there's a chance of building a successful alliance against Maleficent…that gives me hope that we can stop her. If all the worlds work together, there's no telling what we can do!"

Okay. So…which way do we go?

Sora paused. They had arrived back at the intersection from before. "Uh…feel up to portalling?"

And get mobbed by my fanclub again? Hell no.

Sora sighed. "Then I guess we have no choice but to trust in the Keyblade once more." He closed his eyes, lifted his giant key, and started spinning.

…

"You guys never mentioned you knew Sora, the hero of the Keyblade," Yuna said once they were well on their way to Sora and his mother's house.

"Huh? You mean you know him too?" asked a surprised Tidus.

"Man, he really does get all the luck…" Wakka grumbled.

"You didn't abduct him or anything, did you?" Selphie asked suspiciously.

Rikku giggled. "No…though we did try to steal from him or spy on him because the darkest fairy Maleficent paid us to…well, actually we were supposed to do that to Leon, but he didn't have any real treasure so we tried to mug Sora, but he wouldn't let us have his money or stuff, so…"

"We gave him a Keychain," Paine finished.

Tidus raised an eyebrow. "A Keychain?"

Wakka laughed. "What the heck is he supposed to do with a girly thing like that, mon?!"

"Uh, he's the chosen wielder of the Keyblade, a magic sword shaped like a key and with the same powers," Yuna pointed out. "He can customize it and change its shape by fastening various keychains to it."

"…Oh. Uh, I take back the girly thing then," Wakka said, his face as red as his hair.

"He really didn't say anything about us?" Rikku pouted. "After we gave him that nice keychain and even helped defend Hollow Bastion from being completely overrun by Heartless?"

"Nope," said Tidus apologetically.

"Not a thing," agreed Wakka.

"Maybe because they brainwashed him so he wouldn't remember being probed by them!" Selphie shrieked and was ignored.

Rikku scowled. "Okay, he's certainly not getting any holiday cards anytime soon."

"It probably would have helped if we hadn't been on the wrong side to begin with when we first met him," Yuna said in Sora's defense. "Why did we work for Maleficent again?"

"We needed the money," said Paine. "Though her hazard pay sucked."

"And we didn't get any dental either," Rikku complained. "And our severance package was minimal at best."

"I had no idea Sora came from a place like this…but now that I think about it, even though we only knew him for a short while, this place fits him like a glove," Yuna commented. "Much as it fits you three who live here."

Tidus flushed and Wakka laughed. "Aw, thanks Yuna."

"I'm on to you, alien," Selphie hissed suspiciously, eyeing Yuna ominously. Or trying to, and just managing to look really deranged.

"So, what's Sora's mom like?" Rikku asked as they continued. "She sounded like a real tough girl! Sort of like Paine…"

"Well…I wouldn't say that…" Wakka said with a smirk. "Not like Paine, anyway." The goth fairy in question huffed.

"She's not a 'tough girl', exactly," Tidus said. "She's kind of…quirky, I guess."

"Quirky?" Rikku looked at Selphie, who was animatedly talking to a rather large beetle that had landed in her palm. "Like her?"

"Naw, Sora's mom's way saner," Wakka scoffed as Selphie giggled and squished the beetle between her hands then chewed up its entrails. "She can just be a little…well, weird sometimes. And very scary dangerous, if you make her mad or make her think her son's in danger!"

"Yeah," Selphie said, smiling with bug goo sliming down her teeth. "Sora's all she's got because she doesn't have a husband. Nobody knows who Sora's dad is or where he really came from. Some don't even think he's Ms. Hikari's kid at all but somebody she found one day! My favorite theory is that he fell from the stars." She looked up into the sky dreamily at this. "Which means he might be the advance scout for an all-powerful race of alien warriors and will conquer our planet in the name of his people when he reaches a certain age and the hidden genetic programming in his brain activates."

"But she makes great cookies," Wakka said.

"And brownies," Tidus agreed. "And her pancakes are out of this world!"

"Which would make sense, if she's an alien too, and gave birth to Sora to help prepare the planet for her evil masters…" Selphie muttered crazily.

"She's pretty much the best cook in town," Wakka said. "All our parents who cook are kinda jealous of her…or they would be if they weren't too busy stuffing their faces with the goodies she whips up for the holidays and special occasions."

"Oh, maybe she'll give us something to eat," Rikku whined. "Since we didn't get anything to eat back at Tidus' house!"

"Eh heh, whoops, sorry about that," Tidus said, embarrassed.

"It's all right," Yuna claimed, defending Tidus. "After all, we can always eat later, and telling Ms. Hikari her son's whereabouts takes precedence over our own hunger."

"That's easy for you to say," Rikku grumbled. "Since you can just conjure food whenever you want. Why do I have to be so bad at spells?"

"Because you are. Get over it," Paine said flatly. She was still trying to figure out what was wrong with Auron. Something about the way he smelled…

Soon enough, they reached Sora and his mom's house, the large and cheerful white-painted lighthouse used to guide vessels into the island bay in the dark of night or especially violent storms, which there were plenty of in a tropical island paradise. The lighthouse grew out of the back of a much smaller building, a two-story home with cream walls and colorful murals painted here and there, something Ms. Hikari did in her spare time to express herself. (Cooking and lighthouse keeping wasn't her only joy, after all.) A large stormwall was built around the perimeter of the lawn facing the ocean to protect the vital structure from floods or tidal surges, and there was still plenty of beach sloping down toward the sea from the other side of the wall to make room for a small dock and boathouse with a couple of rafts, spare canoes and one sailboat waiting to be used for travel or emergency uses.

"Wow," said an amazed Yuna. "This is where Sora lives?"

"Yep," Wakka said. "Him and his mom. We've had some great sleepovers here…and the house and lighthouse tower are full of nooks and crannies we used to play hide and seek in back when we were younger."

"Selphie always won those games," Tidus said. "In fact, sometimes she hid so well that we couldn't find her for hours and just…forgot about her for a while. But the smell of Ms. Hikari's dinners…or breakfasts…always lured her out from wherever she had stowed herself away."

"If it weren't for that food, I might still be lost in that house," Selphie said sunnily. "And then one day decades from now somebody might find my withered, mummified corpse and scream and scream and scream!" She giggled, and everyone gave her wary looks and took a few steps away from her.

"I've always wondered what it was like to live in a lighthouse…" Rikku mused, changing the subject. "We have oceans back in Fairyworld, but I kind of grew up in a desert region. No oceans for miles and miles. And miles."

Paine frowned. "Hmm…the Chosen Keybearer of Light's last name is Hikari, which means Light, and he lives in a lighthouse…do you suppose the Powers that Be could be any less obvious? I thought they were supposed to make things like this more subtle."

"Maybe they wanted to do it differently for a change," Yuna suggested.

They walked down the cobblestone path from the main road towards the lighthouse's front door, passing several lush and vibrant flowerbeds. (Gardening, another joy of Sora's mom. She had plenty of hobbies, most of them acquired when her son was absent for a year and she, along with everyone else, sort of forgot about him.) They were lucky enough to catch Ms. Hikari just as she was walking out the door…wearing combat fatigues, heavy-duty hiking boots, a thick cooking pot for a helmet, bandoliers crossing her plump chest with numerous pieces of cutlery hanging from them, all of which looked capable of cutting or gouging flesh off of any creature unlucky enough to piss Ms. Hikari off (Even the spoons. They were blunt, but that just made it so much more painful.), a couple of machetes and axes hanging from her belt, and a very large backpack packed with who-knew-what strapped to her back. Ms. Darlene Hikari herself was a brown-haired, blue-eyed woman (much like her son), but her longish brown hair was now tied up in a bun, her eyes were hidden behind shades, and most of her slightly chubby face was covered in the traditional war paint used by the ancient islanders whenever they went off to battle.

"Wow," said a stunned Rikku.

"That's Sora's mom?" whispered an incredulous Yuna.

Paine whistled, impressed. "I thought you said she wasn't a 'tough girl'."

"She's not, really," Tidus said anxiously.

"Yeah, she just collects weapons for a hobby and spends some of her free time learning how to use them properly. How do you think Sora got so good with a sword?" Wakka said.

"I want to be like Ms. Hikari when I grow up…" Selphie said dreamily. "As long as she's not an evil alien, that is."

"Hey, Ms. Hikari!" Tidus called to the woman as she walked towards them. "Going somewhere?"

"Yes, into the jungle," she said, smiling cheerfully at them, an expression incongruous with her attire and war paint. "To look for the Crusaders, since they happen to be out. Sora should have been home for lunch a while ago, and when he never showed up I rowed out to the playground island where he went earlier to meet Kairi and Riku…but they were nowhere to be found…and all their canoes were still there, which suggests foul play. I'm going out into the jungle to find the Crusaders and get their help in searching for Sora, Riku and Kairi…if the black aliens or some other threat is responsible, they need to know about it."

"Why didn't she notice the burning wreckage of our ship?" Rikku whispered to Yuna.

"Because we salvaged the cloaking device and got it to cover our stuff before we left, remember?" Yuna whispered back.

"Oh yeah."

"Uh, you don't have to go all the way out into the jungle Ms. Hikari," Wakka said quickly.

"Yeah, we happened to see them just a short while ago," Tidus said, about to lie about seeing the trio in town on their way here so as to alleviate Ms. Hikari's worries.

"They blasted off into outer space!" Selphie shrieked, totally ruining Tidus' plan.

"Selphie!" the blond hissed.

Ms. Hikari frowned. "Did they now? Hmm, I distinctly recall telling Sora he was not to leave this planet for any reason. I'll have to alert Riku and Kairi's parents so they can stop worrying…" The group stared at Ms. Hikari, dumbfounded by how calmly she seemed to be taking this, rather than panicking like they had expected. Well, most of them were dumbfounded, Selphie was eating some of Ms. Hikari's flowers, taking advantage of the woman's distraction to indulge in one of her favorite forbidden foods. "I explicitly warned Sora not to do this. When he gets back, I'm going to have to ground him and his brother, again."

"Brother?" asked the confused Wakka.

"Yes, the one that lives in his head." The friends exchanged glances, wondering perhaps if Ms. Hikari was as deranged as Selphie after all. "Oh well, I suppose I won't be needing all this then…" Ms. Hikari said, referring to her current outfit. "I'll go change shortly and wait for Sora to get back. Thank you for telling me, Tidus, Wakka…and it's delightful to meet you at last, Yuna, Rikku, and Paine. It's so wonderful to meet lovely fairies like yourselves."

The group all started at this. "Wh-what?! How did you know who we were?!" cried a startled Yuna.

"And that we're fairies?!" agreed Rikku.

"Who told you?!" Paine asked angrily, drawing her sword.

"ZEE OH EM GEE!" Selphie screamed, spitting out dirt and roots. "SORA'S MOM IS PSYCHIC! SHE REALLY IS AN ALIEN!"

"No dear, just observant," Ms. Hikari said with a frown. "And if you keep eating my flowers, you'll never get any of my brownies ever again." Selphie whimpered and quickly put the flower she had been about to eat back in the ground. "I knew who you were the moment I saw you. For one thing, you look exactly like Sora described you."

"Oh, so he did tell someone!" cheered Rikku as Paine grunted and put her sword away.

"Man, he tells his mom but not his buddies about some super-hot fairy chicks? That's so messed up, ya…" Wakka complained.

"Well, maybe he thought we'd laugh hysterically at him if he mentioned them…like we did when he told us about how he'd turned into a lion…and sang in an underwater musical…and met Santa Claus…and had a talking dog, duck, and cricket for traveling companions…" Tidus reasoned.

"Also, your clothing and hairstyles don't match any of the current trends teenagers follow in any country around the world," Ms. Hikari continued. "I may be an adult, but that doesn't mean I don't keep an eye on fashion to make sure my little Sora doesn't wear anything inappropriate just because he saw some tourist wearing it. So, since your styles are so different, I reasoned you had to be from another world. Plus, there's the fact that you've appeared not long after I saw a shooting star crash down to the playground island not long ago with a great deal of smoke and fire…and yet when I got there, there was no sign of an explosion caused by impact, other than a lot of displaced sand, which would suggest that if there was a crash, it was quickly covered up somehow."

"I suppose that makes sense…" Yuna admitted.

"Also, you and Rikku have swirly eyes that no human on this world has, so that was also a dead giveaway," added Ms. Hikari. "But the real clincher was…you're all floating a millimeter off the ground."

The fairies looked down and found, to their surprise, that they were indeed floating a millimeter off the ground, their feet not touching the cobbled path. "Oh yeah…" said an embarrassed Rikku. "Force of habit."

"Can't believe we missed that…" muttered Paine.

"It's all right," Ms. Hikari said. "I don't think anyone else did either. But seeing you three has made me certain Sora and the others will be back all right…it's a very lucky day! I've seen three stray shooting stars that might be leftovers from the shower this morning (though I think at least one, or perhaps all of them, might have been spacecraft now), and you're the second group of fairies I've seen since noon!"

Everyone looked alarmed at this. "Three shooting stars?" said a confused Tidus.

"Second group of fairies?!" cried an alarmed Rikku. "As in, another group before us?!"

"OH EM GEE!" Selphie screamed. "THE ALIENS ARE INVADING!" She ran off, shrieking at the top of her lungs, ran into the stormwall, and knocked herself out.

"Yes, three shooting stars, and two groups of fairies," Ms. Hikari reaffirmed, looking untroubled. "Two only a few minutes apart around noon, and a third a short while after. Both of the first two looked as if they went near the playground island, but as I said before I didn't see any signs of them when I looked over there, other than a lot of displaced sand, and I don't know where the third one went. Around the other side of the island, maybe."

"Those first two shooting stars must have been Sora, Kairi and Riku's ship coming to the island," Tidus realized. "Followed by Yuna, Rikku, and Paine's ship crash landing. But a third star…does that mean another ship's crashed?!"

"Whoa, maybe Selphie was right!" said an alarmed Wakka. "Maybe we really are being invaded!"

"No, Ms. Hikari said second group of fairies…which means the first one must have come from that ship! Am I right?" Yuna asked.

Ms. Hikari nodded. "Yes, and they didn't make as big an attempt to disguise themselves as you did…none at all, actually, it was pretty obvious to me they were fairies, since they were small and floating and everything."

"If there are other fairies here, with a ship, that means we can ask them to give us a lift back to Fairyworld," Paine said. "Or at least ask them for help fixing the Celsius."

"Ms. Hikari, what did these fairies say to you when you saw them?" Yuna asked.

Ms. Hikari frowned, trying to recall. "They asked me, quite rudely I might add, if there were any treasures or valuables in town they could steal."

"Treasures and valuables? Uh oh…this sounds familiar…" said Rikku, narrowing her eyes.

"You didn't tell them there was anything here, did you?" Tidus asked worriedly.

Ms. Hikari shook her head. "Of course not. I told them that we were a simple island community which got most of its income from a tourist industry and so had nothing of interest they might want, unless they wanted to purchase it, that is, and then offered to sell them some of the paintings or statuary I make in my spare time. This frustrated them, so they asked if there happened to be any ruins of ancient civilizations nearby, presuming that those ruins must have had treasure, I suppose. And I told them the truth, which is that those ruins have long been emptied of treasure for years by either greedy plunderers or archaeologists."

"That's a relief," Wakka said. "Wouldn't want them stealing any of our cultural heritage…good thing Ms. Hikari didn't tell them that most of that removed treasure's now in a museum in town, ya?"

"Which, fortunately enough, is closed for repairs," Tidus agreed. "Though I suppose that wouldn't stop really determined thieves…"

"Great, there goes one source of potential excitement…" Paine grumbled.

Ms. Hikari frowned again. "Oh dear…now that I think about it, I did mention there were a few ruins that were never fully plundered or studied by the archaeological community, due to the rather dangerous and so-far unpassable booby traps and ancient guardians protecting them, and so probably still had some treasure in them. And while I didn't tell them where those ruins were, they could probably have found out by asking around town or looking in one of the guidebooks made for tourists."

Tidus moaned. "Great, this can't be good."

"Who are these guys anyway?! I didn't know fairies could be evil!" said an alarmed Wakka. "Well, other than that Maleficent person…and those elf dude…"

"Fairies, just like humans, come in all kinds," Yuna said. "Ms. Hikari, this is very important. Did those fairies happen to be two men and one women, one man short and squat and the other tall and skinny, with the woman wearing rather revealing clothing? All three wearing rather bizarre purple-and blue outfits, with heart-shaped emblems on them? (Not to be confused with Heartless emblems, of course)"

"As it so happens, they did," Ms. Hikari said.

"I take it you know these fairies?" Tidus asked the girls.

Rikku nodded. "Yep! They're the Leblanc gang, a rival group of treasure hunters. Sort of like us, but not as nice, and with a worse fashion sense."

"We've clashed with them over treasure and other things many times," said Paine. "But we manage to come out on top most of the time…because really, they just suck."

"Their leader is Leblanc," Yuna explained. "A woman who has, among other things, tried to impersonate me in an attempt to win fame and prizes in a talent contest."

"But she lost, of course, since her voice didn't match up even remotely to Yunie's stunning song!" Rikku chirped, hugging her cousin playfully. Tidus made a note to himself to hear Yuna sing sometime.

"I take it then that these guys wouldn't have a problem with stealing some of our ancestor's treasure then, huh?" Wakka said.

Paine nodded. "The Leblanc gang has fewer restrictions on who they steal from then we do. Under regular circumstances, we'd probably try and take the treasure too…but we'd have asked for permission first. Made sure you weren't using it."

"Leblanc's not that bad, really," Yuna said, feeling compelled to defend her rival. "She's just…complicated. She's besotted with Nooj, one of the higher-ranking members of fairy society, and she thinks that by amassing enough wealth she can reach his level and marry him without anyone making fun of her for it."

Ms. Hikari frowned. "And she thinks this Nooj would marry her simply because she was wealthy? I certainly hope he's not really that shallow…"

"He's not," Yuna assured her. "He's actually very fond of Leblanc…but I think secretly Leblanc feels she's not good enough for him, and believes she can prove her worth by making herself rich by any means possible."

Paine shook her head in disgust. "You almost make her sound like a regular person."

"That's our Yunie!" Rikku chirped. "Can't help but say good things about everyone, even our worst enemies!"

"Well, if they're going to try and steal our heritage, we've gotta do something about it!" Wakka said firmly.

"Yeah, let's get the Crusaders!" Tidus agreed.

Wakka blinked. "What? No way brudda, they're too far away, and busy fighting that big monster. I meant we should do it!"

Tidus blinked. "Who, us?"

"Sure, you wished for something exciting to happen today, didn't you? And now that it is, you aren't really thinking of backing off, are you?" Wakka pressed.

"Uh…" Tidus blinked, then smirked. "No, I guess not."

"Hold up, what makes you think we'll let you guys come with us to stop Leblanc's gang?" asked Paine with a frown. "Seeing as how we've had tons more experience with her and ruins than you have."

"Because we have the hometurf advantage," Wakka pointed out. "We know this island better than she does."

"Not to mention we learned in school where the remaining still-active ruins are," Tidus added. "One of the more interesting classes. And if those fairies headed where I think they are, the closest and most famous ruin to town, then you'll definitely need us."

"Huh? What's the nearest still-active ruin?" Wakka said, confused.

"Why Wakka, I'd have thought you'd know better than anyone," said a surprised Ms. Hikari. "Lord Ohalland's Tomb."

Wakka gasped in horror and fell to his knees. "No! Anywhere but that!"

"Who's Ohalland?" asked a confused Rikku.

"That guy who founded the main sport here, Blitzball, remember?" said Yuna.

"Oh yeah…"

"They couldn't go there! It's one of the most sacred places to all Blitzball players!" cried a horrified Wakka. "Every Blitzball player worth his or her salt makes a pilgrimage there at least once in their lives to pay homage to the founder of the best sport ever!"

"Which gives them all the more reason to go there," said Paine coldly. "As off-worlders, they don't care if a place is sacred or not, as long as it has treasure. Though I don't quite see what kind of treasure the tomb of some dead ball player has…"

"You'd be surprised! Folklore, historical texts, and Ohalland's own will say there is treasure in there," argued Ms. Hikari. "Some of the most valuable in these islands, especially to a Blitzball fan."

"The very first Crystal Cup, prize for the very first Blitzball world championship…" Wakka whispered reverently. "And Lord Ohalland's personal Blitzball, dipped in gold before he died. Either of those things are worth a fortune…" He leapt to his feet. "There's no way we're letting those dirty rats take them!"

"You have to take us with you," Tidus insisted. "If Leblanc did go to the tomb—which she must have, it's the closest to town and the most widely publicized in tourist brochures, as well as one of the few which is widely known for having a specific treasure--you'll need Wakka and me. Both of us are Blitzball fans and aspiring players, and like every good player we've memorized the plans for the tomb which were uncovered many years ago in the ruins of the very first Blitzball stadium ever built. So we know where the treasure is, and what obstacles lie between us and it!"

"If these plans are so widely-known, then why has nobody stolen the treasure before now?" asked a doubting Paine.

"Partly due to reverence of Lord Ohalland and the sport he's brought to our world," Ms. Hikari said. "And partly because even with those plans, the guardians and traps in the tomb are too difficult for your average treasure hunter to get through."

"Well, we're not your average treasure hunters," said Rikku. "And neither are Leblanc's goons! Both of our teams have managed to get into supposedly impenetrable tombs and ruins before, and most of the time it was without plans too!"

"Yeah, but Lord Ohalland's will (and all the tourist brochures) states that only someone whose heart was truly in touch with Blitzball could enter the tomb," Wakka said. "And that's the truth, nobody who's not a big Blitzball fan or player has ever been able to enter the tomb…of course, not all of them have ever left it, either."

"But everyone on the island loves Blitzball…so if Leblanc's crew are as…well, not nice as you said they were, there's no reason they wouldn't kidnap some random fan and use him or her to enter the tomb. And since you guys don't love Blitzball, you'll need someone to help you get in too. Why not us?" challenged Tidus. "Especially since we have the plans in our heads and all."

"And we can fight, too!" Wakka added. "Well, sorta. I mean, we've been practicing for a while…ever since the black aliens invaded a year ago, we've taken training a lot more seriously, just in case something like that should ever happen again."

"They make a good argument," admitted Yuna.

"What do you think, Paine?" Rikku asked the goth.

"…" She sighed in exasperation. "Fine, if they think we need them so badly, they can come. But I'm not going to be wasting my time babysitting them, all right?"

"We'll take care of ourselves! Promise!" Tidus said.

"As long as you take Selphie too," Ms. Hikari said.

They all made a face. "Do we have to?" Rikku complained.

"You never know. She might come in handy," Ms. Hikari said. "And I don't want her eating my flowers again when she wakes up."

"If you say so," Wakka said doubtfully.

"Okay then…" Yuna said. "We know what we have to do, guys! Let's go!" In a flash of sparkles and magic, Yuna reverted to her true shape and size and struck a pose in the air, whipping out her two guns and twirling them in her hands. "Y! Yuna!" Blue smoke exploded behind her.

Rikku returned to her true form, pulled out a pair of curved daggers, and sliced the air with them before spinning around and flashing a smile at thin air. "R! Rikku!" Yellow smoke exploded behind her.

"Hmmph." Paine shrunk down to her true fairy size, whipped out her sword, and slashed it a few times masterfully through the air, swapping it between her hands and just generally showing off before bringing it down in a chop that almost sliced Tidus' nose off. "P! Paine!" Red smoke exploded behind her.

The fairies leaped backwards and froze next to each other, hovering in the air and posing together dramatically. "YRP! Go, Gullwings, go!" More multicolored smoke, and sparks, and fire exploded behind them, lighting Ms. Hikari's flowers on fire and causing Wakka to collapse to the ground foaming at the mouth in an epileptic seizure.

Tidus stared blankly. "…What the heck was that?"

"Oh, just something we do at the beginning of every mission," Yuna said. "It's a treasure hunter thing."

"Ah."

"My flowers!" Ms. Hikari cried, seeing that her garden was burning down.

The fairies flushed. "Um…whoops." Yuna quickly put out the flames with a Blizzard spell. "S-sorry, Ms. Hikari…"

The woman gave them a look that was almost a glare. Even Paine cringed. "I think," Sora's mother said after a moment. "That you should get going to that tomb now."

"Uh, yeah, great idea!" Rikku said, quickly grabbing the back of Tidus' shirt and dragging him away. "Let's go girls!"

"We're very sorry," Yuna apologized again, grabbing Wakka by the foot and dragging him away as well, using fairy dust to make him lighter.

"…I have to take the crazy one, don't I?" Paine asked, deadpan. Ms. Hikari nodded. Paine sighed, flew over to the unconscious Selphie, and started dragging her after her companions, not really bothering to avoid the many rocks or hard bumpy things Selphie could hit her head on as she went.

Ms. Hikari sighed and looked down at the burnt flowers. "Oh well," she said, cheering up. "There's still the others. And it's not nearly as bad as when Sora was competing with his friends to see who could cast the biggest Fire spell." Stamping out the last of the embers, Ms. Hikari headed back inside to change and wait for both of her sons to return from deep space.

They would be in so much trouble when they got home.

…

Apologies for the long chapter. I just had a lot to say, and needed space to say it in. Any connections you readers may find between my Church of Bob and any factual religion are purely coincidental, as I am not intending to disparage any organized religion currently in existence at all. Really.

Have a Merry Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, or other winter holiday. See you next year!