Disclaimer: Disclaimed. Why do we even have to put these?

I would like to take this space to thank some of my lovely reviewers.

To illogical sqeeks: I hope I spelled your name right. Thank you for the lovely compliments and suggestions. And yeah, it's not really a story, but does it really matter if you like it? And, you will not have to wait long for Davy Jones or Cutler Beckett. They will both be coming right after Jack. Is there anyone else you would really like to see? Please tell me.

To Kchan88: Thank you's for reviewing.

To Xx.maddy-sparx.xX: Thanks. I love the x's in your name.

To RedWing777: Kool name. Thanks for the lovely review.

Chapter 3: The Jack Sparrow UnitTM

Hello! You are now the lucky owner of the new Jack Sparrow UnitTM. Here you will find tips, rules, and guidelines on how to use your new model. Enjoy, and read on!

Your Unit Comes With:

One Jack Sparrow UnitTM

A sword.

A pistol containing one shot.

A jar of dirt.

A bottle of rum.

His affects.

One outfit. (It's pretty much the same in all the movies.)

One instruction manual.

One order form.

How To Activate Your Unit:

You can activate your Jack Sparrow UnitTM in a number of ways. The easiest way is to slap him. You can also try burning his rum, but we find that this makes Jack sullen and prone to violence. If you burn said rum, he might hold it against you for quite a while. And burning other people's rum isn't really a good way to start off a friendship. We also recommend that, if you are married, you keep Jack away from your spouse. If your spouse is female, he may try to seduce her. If your spouse is male, Jack might kill him so that he can have you all to himself, if he likes you.

Functions Of Your Unit:

Your Jack Sparrow UnitTM is fully capable of doing many things, as long as he's not drunk. Which happens quite often, incidentally. But even if he is drunk, which is often, he is still capable of sword-fighting. When he's not drunk, he can do even more amazing things, such as swinging from one ship to another by blasting himself off by lighting a cannon. If in Tortuga, he can hide from various Navel officers. Jack is an excellent captain, and can normally talk himself out of any situation, even death.

Emotions Of Your Unit:

Your Jack Sparrow UnitTM is capable of feeling many human emotions. Here you will find some of his most basic emotions and how to deal with them.

Anger. Jack will get angry with you for many different reasons. Some of them are: burning his rum, kissing him then causing him to die, taking his rum, stealing his ship, and not calling him 'captain'.

Lust. Jack has lusted over many women in his time, and there is really nothing you can do to stop him.

Joy. Jack enjoys his rum, the company of women, and his ship, the Black Pearl.

Sadness. Your Jack Sparrow UnitTM will be sad if you keep him from the sea, brand him as a pirate, or burn his rum.

Hate. Jack will hate you for the same reasons he will be angry with you. Only, he'll hate you if you do these things to him repeatedly.

And an assortment of other emotions that we are to lazy/stupid to describe to you.

Your Order Form:

Your order form can be used to do several things. They are:

To order more rum

To order another sword.

To order another pistol.

To order an un-dead monkey. (Jack enjoys shooting these)

To order the Black Pearl.

To order another unit/model.

Interacting With Your Unit:

Your UnitTM interacts well with several other units. These units are:

the Will Turner UnitTM (but only sometimes)

the Elizabeth Turner/Swann UnitTM (see note above)

the Tia Dalma UnitTM

the Scarlett UnitTM (only when she's not slapping him)

the Giselle UnitTM (see above)

the Gibbs UnitTM

the Bootstrap Bill UnitTM

There are also some units your unit will not like. These are:

the Sao Feng UnitTM

the Hector Barbossa UnitTM

the Davy Jones UnitTM

the Cutler Beckett UnitTM

the Mercer UnitTM

the Kracken UnitTM

the Norrington UnitTM

You are highly encouraged to interact with your Jack Sparrow UnitTM also. If you are nice to him, your Jack will probably become a good friend. As long as he doesn't sell your soul to Davy Jones in order to save himself. Although he's a bit of a coward, you'll love him anyway, even if you're a Willabeth shipper.

Common Questions:

Q: My Jack Sparrow UnitTM keeps screaming, "Where's the thump-thump?"

A: We've found that it's best to ignore him and hope he stops. Really, there's no stopping him sometimes. And yes, he is insane.

Q: My Jack Sparrow UnitTM is afraid of my pet octopus. What do I do?

A: First off, why do you have a pet octopus? Second, well, we think it might remind him of the Kracken. We suggest that you get a better pet, or that you just keep your pet away from Jack.

Q: I bought a Sao Feng UnitTM before I bought my Jack Sparrow UnitTM. What do I do?

A: They both hate each other. Why did you buy them both? As if you couldn't tell from PotC: AWE, they hate each other.

Ok, I'm done. What do you guys think? I'm sorry for not updating sooner! Don't send clowns after me! If you want to ask a Common Question on a unit I haven't done yet, I'll give you credit for the question. And it can be as weird as you want it to be.

Your Jack Quote:

"I wash my hands of this weirdness!"

Lots of Luff,

Phantom's Child