It was strange how quickly things could become normal. A month ago, Hajime would have thought nothing of walking miles in the midday sun, then going into battle without having rested. But now he felt accomplished if he could walk to the next room, and even filtered sunlight through a papered screen made him feel weak. And while he didn't like it, he had become accustomed to it, he wasn't constantly frustrated and miserable about his limitations as he had been for the first few days.
And somehow he and Souji had gone from only touching via the occasional pat on the shoulder to...this.
Souji had wrapped himself around Hajime like an octopus under the cover of the futon, and was drooling a little onto Hajime's shoulder as he slept. He'd climbed into Hajime's futon with the excuse of being cold, which was probably true, but also not really an explanation. It was as if a switch had gone off in Souji's head after helping Hajime through his bloodlust. He kept touching him, from resting his head on Hajime's shoulder to asking Hajime to rub his back when it was sore. And now he had Hajime in what could only be considered an embrace. Had he always wanted to do these things, and only now thought he could get away with it? Or had his long convalescence left him in need of comfort? Either way, Hajime didn't mind, if it made Souji happy he could use Hajime's body as he liked. And Hajime found it comforting himself, if strange. He usually felt uncomfortable when people wanted to touch him, but there was a strangely innocent simplicity to Souji's neediness that overcame Hajime's self consciousness.
He still had trouble thinking about the event that had set this off. To be so overcome by bloodlust that he drank his friend's blood, that it was only through force of will that he resisted the urge to kill him...it made Hajime feel like he stood at the edge of an abyss, on the verge of losing what was left of his humanity. Souji claimed not to have been bothered by it himself, but he was always reluctant to admit any sort of vulnerability.
And when Hajime thought about the circumstances that led to him being here he became so consumed with worry for Yukimura that he could barely function. It seemed likely that her brother had no wish to kill her, not when her being alive extended the malicious joy Kaoru seemed to experience from causing her pain. But that was hardly a comfort. There was the chance that the other women had saved her, but what if they had not? What horrors did Yukimura endure while Hajime enjoyed rest and safety?
And what of the Shinsengumi? It was one thing to be defeated. But the Battle of Toba–Fushimi had brought their very way of life into question: did swordsmen have any place in modern warfare? Or would every fight from now until their deaths be another defeat at the hands of modern weaponry? He wanted to be by the sides of his comrades regardless, as they defended what they believed in, and it ate away at Hajime to be so far from them in their hour of need.
Hajime did not cope well with change. His life before finding his place amongst the Shinsengumi had been confused and miserable, and he felt adrift without that support and direction.
But if he was to help Yukimura, to help any of them, he needed to heal. Even before he'd heard from Hijikata, he'd known that that was what his orders would be. And if Hajime was to heal, he had to put his worries aside, lest they destroy him.
Souji stirred, gently stretching his arms and legs as he woke, and Hajime was glad of the distraction from his thoughts. Souji sat up and coughed alarmingly for a while, but eventually his breathing returned to normal. "Morning," he said at last, sleepily, though it was more like late afternoon. With no schedule to keep to, and both of them needing so much rest, their sleeping patterns had become strange. Souji's expression was unguarded and friendly, quite a change from his usual narrow eyed wariness, and Hajime felt glad that he had a chance to see it. But looking at Souji from so close also made it impossible to miss how thin and pale he'd become. Yukimura was not the only person he cared about who was in danger, though the danger Souji faced was more quietly insidious, and tended to inspire melancholy instead of panic.
"Good afternoon," said Hajime. "Did you sleep well?"
"Hmmmm," said Souji. "Yes and no. You're a very bony pillow." He poked Hajime's arm and Hajime couldn't hide his wince. Souji hadn't touched one of Hajime's bullet-wounds, but they were still unhealed enough that any pressure nearby was excruciating. "Sorry," said Souji. "Still not better yet, huh?"
"No," said Hajime. Progress was slow, and there was no guarantee that he would ever fully heal. He was trying not to think about it, and instead put his energy into doing everything he could to make the healing process go as well as possible.
"You're a pretty shitty Fury, you know," said Souji.
"I am aware."
Souji gave a long sigh and flopped down onto the futon and curled up next to Hajime. "How about we just lie in bed all day," he said.
"You would get bored," said Hajime. "And I am hungry."
A request to a servant led to the arrival of breakfast. Hajime smiled to himself as he sampled the various dishes: the cook at Dr Matsumoto's house in Edo were quite competent.
He eventually realised that Souji was glaring at him over an untouched bowl of rice. Unlike Hajime, Souji could no longer find much enjoyment in food. Did Souji resent him for it?
"Stop being so fine with everything!" said Souji, angrily.
"I do not pretend to be happy with my current situation. Like you, I am frustrated by my inability to stand by the side of the Shinsengumi. But I try to find moments of happiness where I can find them."
"I don't mind that you're enjoying your breakfast," said Souji. "I'm not that much of an asshole. I meant being fine with me. I know you kind of have to put up with me until you get better, but at least admit it's annoying. I don't need your pity."
"I don't find your presence a hardship." Souji's lip twisted, and Hajime tried again. "I consider you a friend," he said. "I was under the impression you considered me one too." If he didn't then his behaviour was even more baffling.
"Why? It's not like we can spar together or anything any more. Is it just because you don't have anyone else?"
He thought about it. "You are easy to be around." There was more to that, but nothing Hajime could put into words.
Souji's eyes opened wide and then he started to snicker. "Well, no-one has ever said that to me before." But he seemed mollified, and they ate together in happy silence.
Dr Matsumoto was surprised to see Chizuru, especially in the company of two unfamiliar women, but he quickly welcomed her in. It felt good to see him again, a reminder that her ties to the human life she'd led with the Shinsengumi still existed, even when Chizuru's demon heritage loomed so large in her sights these days. Once they were sure that Chizuru was safe, Kimigiku and Sen left to continue their search for her father. Chizuru felt a faint guilt about stepping away from her responsibilities, but mostly she felt nothing but joy: Saito was indeed alive.
She barely stopped herself from hugging Dr Matsumoto. "Can I see him?" she asked, practically bouncing up and down with happiness. Saito was alive, and here!
Dr Matsumoto looked away, seemingly uncomfortable with her question, and her mood fell. As a doctor's daughter, Chizuru was well aware of the large gap between "alive" and "safe".
"He is asleep," said Dr Matsumoto.
"Oh," said Chizuru. She should ask to be shown her room, and let Saito sleep. She should...but she couldn't. "May I...may I just see him? I won't say anything, or wake him. I would just feel happier if I could prove to myself he is alive. Or would it be too disturbing to his rest?"
"No..." said Dr Matsumoto, still acting cagey. Were Saito's injuries so bad that he thought she would be upset by seeing them? When she kept staring at him expectantly, he gave a sigh. "Okita is with him."
"Oh!" said Chizuru. "But I want to see him too! How is Okita? Has his tuberculosis healed at all now that he is resting?" She felt bad for not thinking to ask after him already. Her concern for Okita was like a toothache, a quiet pain that wasn't always at the forefront of her mind, but never entirely went away. It would be good to see him after so long.
"He would be better if he actually rested," said Dr Matsumoto, ruefully. "Saito's presence has helped with that, at least."
He led her down a corridor to a small room nearby. He opened the door a crack and looked inside, and then nodded to himself before gesturing to Chizuru to join him. She stepped forward and looked inside.
Her heart lifted, and she felt lighter than she had in weeks. There was Saito, his chest rising and falling in the gentle movements of sleep: pale and sickly looking, but alive. And there was Okita, his long arms wrapped around Saito protectively, the two of them curled up like kittens under the cover of the futon.
Where Saito's appearance made Chizuru's heart lighter, Okita's made it a little heavier: after so long apart, it was impossible not to notice how much thinner he was, and see the lines of pain on his previously smooth face. But he looked peaceful in sleep, at least, and she was glad that he and Saito had found comfort in each other's arms when they must both be experiencing a great deal of pain. Not just physical pain, though that must be excruciating. She knew how much it hurt a warrior to be unable to fight. Saito would hopefully heal, but Okita was only going to get sicker. Was there anything she could do to make his life easier, now that she was here?
Well, for now what he needed was sleep, and he and Saito seemed to have that covered. Although...was his hand moving? She realised that Okita was sleepily touching Saito's face, his half lidded eyes gazing at his friend with an expression of gentle affection. It made her heart warm, but she felt certain that this was a side of Okita that he would not want Chizuru to see.
She started to gently close the door. But she must have been too loud, because Okita's eyes turned suddenly to her and she found herself caught in the intensity of his shocked gaze.
He gave a gasp, and a cough, and that woke Saito, though it took a while for sleep to fully let him go. "Souji," said Saito muzzily, "What is..." And then his bleary eyes turned towards Chizuru and he was fully awake as well, quickly dragging himself up into a sitting position and self-consciously pulling closed the neck of his kosode where it had come slightly open.
"Yukimura," said Saito, his eyes wide and his voice strained. He stared at her like she was some sort of hallucination, a dream he couldn't believe was real.
"Hello," she said, trying not to cry with joy. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." But she couldn't help from smiling. He was alive and conscious and here right in front of her.
He didn't reply, but his his mouth fell open slightly, as if he had things he wanted to say but was too overcome to speak. But he was smiling too, a mixture of relief and shock and confusion writ large upon his usually impassive face.
"So you're not dead," said Okita, in a sharper tone. He had his arm around Saito, almost protectively, as if worried Chizuru's presence would hurt him. And perhaps it did, Saito certainly seemed less peaceful than he had a few moments before.
"You thought I was dead? Oh...oh no I'm so sorry." No wonder they both looked so shocked. "If I had known I would have contacted you..." She should have contacted the Shinsengumi anyway: did the rest of them also think she was dead? "But Saito, how are you alive? I was so sure Kaoru had killed you."
Part of her wanted to pretend it had all been a dream. But there was no missing the bandages that covered Saito's arms, and what she had briefly seen of his chest.
"Your brother left him here," said Okita. "He seems to be the sort who enjoys playing with his food. But it's nice of you to care so much about Hajime's health now that he's safe. Pity you didn't think of that when you left him for dead."
"Souji," croaked Saito, his voice distressingly weak. But did they think Chizuru had abandoned him? No wonder Okita had glared at her. It was probably a sign of how sick he was that he hadn't tried to kill her already. What must it have been like for both of them, thinking such dark thoughts for so long?
Well, there was only one way to fix this. Chizuru took a deep breath and started to explain.
When she got to the part about being shot, Okita's expression lightened. "So you didn't abandon Saito," he said. "Good. Killing you would have made Hajime sad."
"If you kill her I will kill you," said Saito coldly.
"Obviously," said Okita.
Chizuru shook her head. "He just cares about you, Saito, don't be angry. I'm glad here's here to look after you. I didn't mean to abandon you, but I did. You sacrificed yourself for me, and I didn't even stay by your side. Why wouldn't Okita hate me for that?"
Okita laughed. "Oh, Chizuru. You are such a sweetheart. I'm not sure I could ever really hate you."
"You are alive," said Saito. "Everything else is secondary."
"Did you learn that from Sen?" Saito's voice sounded a little wistful.
"No, from Kimigiku!" Chizuru, by contrast, sounded proud and happy.
Souji turned the corner and found them in the house's small garden, Hajime sitting on a bench (under shade, Souji was glad to see) while Chizuru stood in front of him with her sword in her hand.
"Hello Okita!" said Chizuru, giving him a sweaty, flushed smile. "I was just doing some training, and Saito was giving me advice."
"Ooh, I like helping with training," said Souji, flopping next to Hajime and putting his arm on his shoulder. "Do I get to hit her if she gets it wrong?"
"No," said Hajime.
"Are you both going to watch?" said Chizuru. "That's a little intimidating!"
"If I'm too scary I can leave again," said Souji. He didn't want to feel like a third wheel if the two of them would rather be alone.
"No, it would be great!" said Chizuru. "But it's a little chilly out here, would you both like some tea?"
"You need not trouble yourself..." began Hajime.
"It's no trouble! I'll be back before you know it!" And she ran off before he could stop her.
Souji laughed so hard he had to stop and cough. "Stopping sword training to make her audience some tea! Isn't that the most Chizuru thing you ever saw?"
Hajime smiled. "It is very characteristic of her, yes." He looked at Souji with a thoughtful expression. "Are you cold?"
He was, a little, but this seemed like it would be fun. "I won't be once I have some tea."
Once Chizuru had returned with their tea and started training again Okita slowly drank the warming brew and thought about how nice it was to have Chizuru around.
He hadn't expected it to be. He'd liked having Hajime to himself. But she actually made it easier for them to be comfortable together, quietly taking care of little things like brushing their hair or checking when they wanted something to drink, small comforts that added up to life becoming just that little bit less unpleasant. And she was good at drawing Hajime out when he got into one of his black moods, when all Souji could manage was to distract him.
Eventually, Hajime would heal and leave with her and they'd be both be out of what was left of his life. But Hajime was going to leave him anyway, and Chizuru seemed not to mind sharing him with Souji in the mean time. Like Hajime, she seemed to interpret Souji's physical affection for Hajime as entirely platonic, and he saw no need to correct their misconceptions.
Souji had expected Chizuru to throw the main bulk of her overprotective doctor's daughter instincts towards Hajime, now that she had the two of them to choose between. Hajime was a much more rewarding patient, since he was always pathetically grateful for positive attention from her, and had a chance of actually getting better. That, and Chizuru was in love with him, though he wasn't sure if she'd figured that out herself yet.
Souji, by comparison, was the worst sort of patient. He complained every time she told him to do things he should, objectively, be doing. No matter how hard she tried he was just going to get sicker and sicker until he died. And she...well, for whatever reason, she did seem to genuinely like him. But she didn't love him, not like she did Hajime. She blushed sometimes when she happened to see him without many clothes on, but he'd seen her blush over Saito and Sano and the prettier girls of Shimabara. Under all that blushing innocence she had a healthy appreciation for the human form, and Souji wasn't vain enough to take it personally.
But despite all that, she cared for him as carefully as she had when he'd been her only real patient, with as much cheerful attentiveness as she gave to Hajime. And sometimes they just talked, like they were friends. Maybe they were.
"Do you think you could beat me in a fight, Chizuru?" he asked.
"No," she said. "You would beat me, and then you would be very ill." She gave him a quelling look, but there was so much affection in it that he couldn't get offended.
Chizuru was a terrible liar: if she acted like she really wanted to be around him, it presumably meant that she did. And he found he genuinely wanted to be around her too, she was so friendly and kind it was hard not to be friendly and kind in return, as much as he was ever either of those things, and when he inevitably said something awful she just laughed or good-naturedly slapped him down. Unlike the vast majority of people he'd met, she never acted like being around him was a trial, and he didn't find being around her a trial either.
In particular, watching her train turned out to be surprisingly involving.
For a start, it was as close as he was likely to get to sword any time soon. And there was a cold focus to her now that he hadn't seen before, like she understood that this wasn't just a fun exercise: she was training her body to kill. He wondered what she'd seen out there in the world, without the Shinsengumi to protect her. For the first time he really saw her as a warrior, not just a girl playing with swords. She was not as strong as he or Hajime at their prime, and probably never would be, but she was still a match for many of the weak and lazy members of their so called warrior class. And she wasn't too far from being a match for Hajime or Souji as they were now.
He wondered what it would it be like to fight her, to be beaten by her. Chances are she was right and that he would still win, and then be very ill. But he could just imagine how nice she'd be about beating him, and it almost seemed appealing.
He wondered what Hajime was thinking, watching his former student, now that he could no longer hold a sword himself.
"You know swords are totally outdated now, right?" said Souji. "We should all be learning to use guns."
Hajime looked at him with an expression of restrained horror, and he laughed.
"I'm kidding," said Souji. "Fuck guns. I mean I'll use one if I have to, but I didn't train with a katana for half my life just to throw it away when it became unfashionable. I'm useless in a fight either way, might as well stick with what I know."
"I don't like guns," said Chizuru, her voice a little shaky. Ah, yeah, she'd been shot too, hadn't she? "I'll stick with swords."
Saito nodded, seriously. "I will hold onto mine as well," he said. But then he looked away, and his expression turned dark. Souji could feel his shoulders tense.
Souji and Chizuru's eye's met. Hajime's mood had turned sour ever since they'd heard the news about the Shinsengumi's defeat at Kofu, and the departures of Shinpachi and Sano. The Shinsengumi was falling apart, and the Imperial army's modern weapons had defeated the swords of the Shogunate at every turn. There was no guarantee that Hajime's skills would be of much use by the time he finally healed.
Lucky for Souji that he didn't have to worry about that, huh? But he wasn't sure saying "At least you're not dying" would do a whole lot for Hajime's mood.
"Um," said Chizuru. "Are you ok, Saito?"
"Yes," he said.
Souji put his head on Saito's shoulder. "By which you mean no," he said.
Saito was silent for a while. Then he said. "Does it not bother you, Souji? That the world may no longer have room for warriors like us any more?"
"It might I could still use my sword," said Souji, trying not to sound bitter and entirely failing.
"The world will always have a place for warriors like you," said Chizuru. They both looked at her, and she bit her lip self consciously, but then kept speaking. "I don't know what the world is going to look like in the future. Maybe...maybe we will all have to use guns instead of swords. Maybe we won't even need to fight at all." She put her hand on her sword. "I know how important being a warrior is to you both, and I can't claim to really understand what it means to follow the warrior's path. But you don't have to be able to fight with a sword to act with honour, and to be of value to those who care about you. You are both samurai, and men of the Shinsengumi, and nothing can change that."
Souji thought this was very sweet, even if he'd never cared too much about honour and all that. But Hajime was looking at her with stars in his eyes.
Chizuru blushed. "Sorry, I know it's not my place to say what being a warrior means."
Hajime shook his head. "No, thank you, I feel...I feel like I understand my place in all this a little better now. You're right: I can still act with honour, with self control... with all the virtues I value, even if I cannot fight." He smiled, and Souji wondered if he'd have reached out to touch Chizuru if Souji wasn't there. "Thank you, Yukimura."
"Well obviously," said Souji, knocking his shoulder gently into Hajime's. "Hajime, you have more honour and self control and all that than the whole of the Imperial army has put together. Being injured can't take that away from you." Hajime smiled at him then, his eyes still starry, and Souji felt his own cheeks go pink.
"The same is true of you," said Hajime, taking his hand. "You have remained loyal, courageous and compassionate despite everything. You will always be a warrior, one I look up to."
"Me?" said Souji, weakly. Compassionate, really? "Ha! Um." He couldn't look Hajime in the eye. "Thanks, I guess."
To Souji's extreme relief, Chizuru went back to training after that, and the three of them sat in companionable silence.
She really was getting pretty good, these days, but there was only so much you could improve by practising alone. "You should hurry up and heal, Hajime," said Souji. "She needs someone to practice against and if I offer she'll just make a face."
Chizuru made a face. She went to the tray she'd brought and poured him some more tea. "Drink this and let me train," she said, handing him back his cup, and then went back to her exercises.
The tea warmed his hands and he wondered for the first time what it would be like to touch her himself. He'd recently discovered quite how much he enjoyed touching Hajime. Would touching Chizuru feel as good? He wasn't intensely drawn to her the way he was Hajime, but there was a something there, like a thread waiting to be pulled. He liked watching her: was that attraction? What did it mean for him if it was?
He was so distracted by these thoughts, watching Chizuru, that it took him a while to notice how quiet Hajime had become. But it occurred to him at last, and when he looked at Hajime something in his expression made Souji's heart skip a beat.
"Hajime?" he asked. "Are you having trouble?"
"I...need to go inside," said Hajime, his voice strained. "I will be fine if I can rest."
"Chizuru!" shouted Souji, "We need to help Hajime get back to his room!" He tried to help Hajime stand, but even the two of them together lacked the strength.
Chizuru dropped her sword and ran to them. "Saito?" she asked. Realising what Souji was doing, she offered Hajime her hands, and he took them and was able to stand. Then she took one of Hajime's shoulders and Souji took the other and they managed to get him moving at last.
"Thank you," said Hajime when he was back in his room.
"Do you need Dr Matsumoto " asked Chizuru, her concerned voice mirroring Souji's feelings of worry. This didn't seem like he'd just gotten tired or cold. Something was wrong.
Hajime shook his head. "I only need...rest," he said. "Please, both of you, just..."
And then his hair went white.
Blood. Blood. Blood.
His mind shouted it, his body craved it, he looked at Yukimura and Souji and all he saw was the life under their skin, weak bodies he could tear apart and devour. And the pain, like his skin was on fire, like every moment he resisted the cravings his body wanted to punish him. Why were they here? He didn't want to hurt them, didn't want them to worry, didn't want them to see the monster he'd become.
"He needs blood," said Souji.
"I understand," said Yukimura, and she...she drew her sword?
"No!" said Hajime, having trouble forming words but terrified at what she might be about to do. "Yukimura, this will pass."
"You are suffering, and I can help," she said. "And this is all my fault."
"This is none of your business!" He wanted to push her away, to hit her. He restrained himself, but his fingers twitched, and Souji put his hand on Hajime's arm.
"She wants to help you, Hajime," he said. When Hajime shook his head Souji carefully put his arms around him, standing behind Hajime with his head on Hajime's shoulder. It was a comfort, the familiar warmth of Souji's body a small beacon of respite against the storm raging inside him. But it was so unnecessary. Why couldn't they leave him alone to suffer in peace? "It won't do her any harm," said Souji. "I can't do this for you, but she can. He can use you for blood whenever he wants, right Chizuru?" Her name felt soft in his ear, the name he didn't even let himself think.
"Yes," said Yukimura. "I'm a demon, this will heal in no time. So don't worry about it." She ran the sharp blade of her kodachi along the tip of her finger and it was all he could do not to throw herself at her. The smell! The vision of her blood dripping from her hand, just waiting for him.
"I will not use her," said Hajime. His orders had been to protect her. He had failed at that, was useless to her now. She had new, better protectors, and in many ways she could protect herself. The world had left him behind in more ways than one, and the least he could do was not be a burden.
"You drank my blood," said Souji. "Is hers not good enough for you?"
Yukimura gasped and looked at him with wide eyes. He wanted to explain that it wasn't as bad as it sounded, but wasn't it? And now part of him felt like her opinion of him was already so low that perhaps it would not be the worst thing for him to lower it a little further. Which was probably why Souji said it.
"Please," she said. "Before it heals."
He did his best to be gentle, but she still hissed at the pain. He felt Souji leaning against his back and heard him softly say "It's alright, Hajime. She's happy to help, aren't you Chizuru?"
"Yes," she said, and he let himself believe her, though he knew it couldn't be true.
Nothing in his life had ever tasted as good as her blood. He wasn't sure if it was because Souji was sick, or because Yukimura was a demon. But where Souji's blood had barely cut the edge of his pain, Yukimura's made it vanish entirely. It was like a heady liquor, and it took all his self control not to suck at her eagerly.
He felt a slight movement and realised Souji was helping Yukimura hold up her arm with his hand. It almost felt like there was silent communication going on between the two of them over his head, some unspoken decision to join forces to...what? Force Hajime to accept their help?
He didn't deserve this. He was a monster, he had defiled both of them now with his monstrous hunger, and there was no knowing how long it would be before his Fury nature took over completely and he became a danger to them both.
And beyond all that, beyond anything he could blame on the Water of Life, there was the fact that part of him simply enjoyed touching Yukimura like this, enjoyed having his mouth on her body. A deeply buried part of him knew that he had felt the same way with Souji, too. Knew that part of him enjoyed Souji embracing him now, not just as a friend but as... It was obscene.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. His hunger had begin to pass, and all that was left was shame. He sucked the end of Yukimura's finger as he removed his mouth, so that she would at least not be left with the sticky residue of her own blood. She made a small sound: of pain? He looked up and she was blushing. Ah, embarrassment. He knew what that felt like.
She stared into his face and then smiled. "You look much better," she said. "Doesn't he, Okita?"
"Mmm," said Souji.
The horrifying thing was that he felt amazing. He could actually feel his wounds beginning to heal, and for the first time in months his body was not consumed with pain. He had no idea what to say. He pulled away from them both, unable to look them in the eye, not wanting to be seen. Not wanting to exist at all.
"Come on Chizuru," said Souji. "I think Hajime needs some time to himself."
"Of course," said Yukimura. She smiled at him gently. "Thank you for helping me train today."
He managed to nod, and then at last they were gone. But he could still hear their voices through the thin walls.
"How's your finger, Chizuru?" asked Souji.
"Fine!" she said brightly, like she'd just cut herself cooking. "All healed, see!"
"Good. You helping Hajime is great and all, but you're as bad as him about looking after yourself, and Hajime would feel bad if you got hurt."
"I know he won't hurt me," said Yukimura. "And I am glad I could help him, even a little bit." Hajime's heart felt warm and heavy, to hear the two people he cared about most in the world express so much concern for him. Just as they walked out of his hearing, Yukimura's tone became more serious. "I was forced to desert him once," she said. "I won't let that happen again."
"I bet you're glad you won't have to be doing this much longer," said Souji.
Chizuru looked down at him over the tray of food she'd brought him with an expression of surprise, and then sadness.
"That's not true, Okita," she said. "I wish we didn't have to leave you." There was that constant need to look after everyone again. If there was a way for Chizuru to personally look after the needs of every member of the Shinsengumi at once she would have done it.
And of course she felt bad about leaving him. Just like Hajime did. Just like Kondou had. They were all good people, and they all cared about him. But he wasn't their first priority, and he wasn't of use. So they left him behind.
"Yeah but you'll be with Hajime," he said. "Saving the world and all that. Making me porridge isn't quite the same, is it?" Before she could answer, he added, "Unless you've fallen in love with me as well."
"Okita!" Her face flushed. "It's not like that." Pfft. He'd seen the expression of beatific devotion on her face when she gave Hajime her blood. They'd had a strange moment of bonding, in that moment, in their shared determination to support Hajime come what may.
And it was odd: while he certainly resented being left behind, he was actually glad that Chizuru and Hajime would be together. It wasn't like he was naturally unselfish, he'd been resenting Hijikata's place in Kondou's life for over a decade. But Hijikata saw Kondou as a project, someone he had to change to fit his vision no matter how much strife it brought to Kondou's life. Chizuru did make Hajime's life more dangerous in some ways, but all she wanted was for Hajime to be happy and safe. Knowing she would be with Hajime was the closest Souji could come to being with him himself.
And then there was the fact that while there were some ways in which Souji liked Hajime more than Kondou (the last person who'd implied his feelings for Kondou were sexual had lost some fingers), Souji was still, first and foremost, Kondou's sword. If he had to make a choice between the two of them, Kondou would always win. He could hardly then begrudge Hajime and Chizuru for caring more about each other than they did about Souji.
Well, he could begrudge them a little. But not too much.
"I wonder how good your blood tastes," he said. "Would you give some to me? If it would make me better too?" He regretted the words the moment he'd said them, even for him it was a little weird.
Chizuru stared at him in surprise. "Oh," she said. "I..."
"Never mind," he said. He didn't think he wanted to hear the answer. "You're going to keep giving it to Hajime, though, right? He needs to get stronger, if he's going to fight Kodo." One taste had been enough to get Hajime's wounds to start to heal over, when Souji's had done nothing, as useless as the rest of him.
"Of course," she said. She gave a small smile. "I'm so happy to see him improving. It was my fault he was injured, and if he couldn't fight any more..." Suddenly she stopped, having remembered who she was talking to. "Um. Not that..."
"I'm happy too," said Souji, interrupting her. "And I'm glad you could help him. We both just want to see Hajime happy, yeah?"
"Yeah," said Chizuru.
And then as if summoned by their mutual thoughts, Hajime's voice through the door quietly asked if he could enter.
"Hey Hajime," said Souji. "Chizuru was just talking about how much she cares about you."
Hajime ignored Souji's smirk and Chizuru's choked sound of protest. "I have a letter from Hijikata," he said. "He agrees with my assessment that Kodo is a sufficient threat to warrant investigation, and has ordered me to assist Yukimura in this goal." He gave a small smile. "He also expressed his satisfaction upon hearing that Yukimura is alive, and passed on greetings to you both from the other men of the Shinsengumi. Kondou in particular sends his regards."
Souji knew that Hajime had added that last bit just for him, and wondered if Hijikata had actually said it. He also wondered what Hajime would have done if Hijikata's orders had led him in a different direction to Chizuru, though he wasn't cruel enough to ask.
"Are you sure?" said Chizuru. "I don't want you to be in danger."
"Me being in danger is beside the point," said Hajime. "My only concern is the danger you face. If I am to be entirely honest, I am a little concerned by how cavalier Hijikata is at the idea of you facing battle."
Ha! Now someone else knew how Souji felt. If Hijikata's ambitions had left space for a family, he would have sent his own children into battle if it could bring him some advantage. The man was incapable of understanding what it meant to really want to protect someone the way Souji wanted to protect Hajime and Kondou, the way Hajime wanted to protect Chizuru.
For a moment, Souji considered joining them. He'd die, obviously, but he was going to die anyway.
But hopeless as it was, he couldn't let go of the worry that Kondou might need him, somehow, that there might be a time when Souji needed his last gasp of strength to defend the man whose existence gave him a reason to live. That, and Chizuru would make a face. Rather like the face she was making at Hajime right now.
"He is my father," said Chizuru. "Of course I should be a part of the fight against him. When Sen and Kimigiku return with news we will fight together."
"But you are not a warrior," said Hajime. "You could be badly injured, or even killed. And I would not like to see you get blood on your hands."
It was funny how neatly Hajime divided the world into warriors and non-warriors, as if that somehow made being a born killer into a noble calling. Not that he didn't agree that Chizuru was a long way from being a hardened veteran ready for battle.
But then she said "My...my hands aren't free of blood." Her voice was a little shaky, and she looked away, as if ashamed, or afraid of what they might think of her. "I've already already...um. Killed someone. So you don't have to worry about that."
Oh. That explained some things.
"What," said Hajime.
Chizuru's voice became high and brittle. "I was...standing guard, and a soldier saw me, and he was getting very close so I. I guess it was your training that saved me, Saito! Otherwise he would have killed me. Probably. But instead I..." He voice became weak, and she blinked back tears. "Sorry, I'm fine. It was fine. I could do it again." She wiped her eyes and spoke softly. "I can take care of myself."
"Yukimura." Hajime's voice trembled with emotion. "You should never have had to...I cannot apologise enough, that I was not there to protect you, that I trained you. Someone like you who..."
Souji walked up to Hajime and hit him on the back of the head.
"Someone who what, Hajime," he said, angrily. "Should be dead? You heard her. That Imperial bastard would have killed her. But he didn't, because she killed him first." He turned to Chizuru. "Congratulations. Killing is hard for soft hearted types like you. You're tougher than I thought."
Chizuru didn't look very comforted or complimented by this statement, and couldn't look him in the eye. She and Hajime looked like they both wanted to curl up into little balls of misery and hate themselves forever. It was stupid and he wasn't going to let them.
'"Oh, what, you think you're a bad person now?" he said, stepping around to catch her eye again. "You're still the same sweet pushover you always were, or you wouldn't be feeling bad. Unless you've been going out stabbing people for fun now you've gotten a taste for blood?" Actually maybe talking about a taste for blood wasn't the best choice of words with Hajime right there...but if he could get Chizuru to feel better, that would make Hajime feel better, right?
Chizuru shook her head. "No," she said, and he could almost see the edge of a smile.
"Do you want to hear about the first time I killed someone?" he said. "It was another member of the Shinsengumi." Yeah, that got her attention. "He said some stuff I didn't like, so I got him drunk. And then when he wasn't expecting it I stabbed him in the gut. He looked so surprised!" Souji laughed, though it wasn't an entirely happy memory. Not when he thought about the look on Kondou's face afterwards, even though Souji had done it all for him.
"Yukimura isn't like us, Souji," said Hajime. "We chose the path of the warrior."
"She's not like me," said Souji, "because she cares about things like right and wrong, and people's feelings, and whether the Imperial soldier who was trying to kill her was actually a lovely man with fifty children and a love of cats. Which I bet he wasn't, and even if he was I don't care. But I know you feel bad about this kind of stuff too, Hajime. You just decided other things were more important. And..." Making a speech this long was too much for his throat, and he had to take a moment to cough. But he was going to finish what he was saying, damn it. "And Chizuru gets to make that decision too, if she wants."
"But she shouldn't have to," said Hajime.
"And you shouldn't have to be a Fury, and the Shinsengumi shouldn't have to die for a Shogun who doesn't care about us, and I shouldn't have to waste away here instead of standing by Kondou's side. But life is shit."
Souji glared at Hajime and Hajime looked back at him with his cool, cold blue eyes.
"...you're right," said Hajime, at last. "I'm sorry, Yukimura. I shouldn't have reacted as I did. I am glad you were able to protect yourself."
Chizuru didn't reply, perhaps still unsure whether she was glad of it herself. But then she smiled at Souji, sad and beautiful, and for some reason it made something in Souji go cold with fear. "Thank you both," she said.
"I need some fresh air," he said, ignoring both of their surprised faces. He was glad he'd helped, glad to see Chizuru smile again, but his room felt too small for the three of them all of a sudden.
Of course actually getting some fresh air was easier said than done. He barely made it the garden then sat heavily onto a rock to catch his breath. The sense of dread hadn't left him, and only grew as he watched two of Dr Matsumoto's servants whispering to each other, sometimes stopping to look at Souji with what seemed like more than the usual amount of pity. Had something happened to the Shinsengumi?
Eventually it got too much for him and he went up to ask.
By the time Souji found Hajime and Chizuru again he was so out of breath he could barely stand, and had to double over coughing for what felt like an age until he could get any words out.
"What is it, Okita?" asked Chizuru. "Are you ok? Do you need me to..."
He waved off her concern. "You're going to the Itabashi execution grounds," he said. "And I'm coming with you."
"The Itabashi execution grounds? But why..."
Okita held out the woodcut he'd gotten from the servants, the characters smeared by his sweaty fingers.
"We need to rescue Kondou," he said, his voice hoarse and his heart a blackened void of terror. "He's been arrested."