Just Because I Owe You Big Time Doesn't Mean You Can Steal My Book, Dobe

Summary: In which Hatake Kakashi wasn't happy that his Icha Icha Ten Year Limited Edition volume was stolen by Sakata Gintoki. So he sent Naruto to retrieve it. [Sequel to Just Because We Both Have Silver Hair Doesn't Mean We Are The Same Person, Dobe] Crossover Gintama x Naruto

Chapter 3: Meet The Yorozuya

It was supposed to be an easy mission. After all, it was just to retrieve a stupid book. How hard could it be, right? Wrong!

"I'll ask you again. Where is it, Sakata-san?"

"Aha, that is an excellent question."

Unfortunately, it was a wrong answer.

"You know I have ways to make you talk, right?" Naruto said darkly. It had been more than twenty four hours (thirty six hours, eleven minutes and twenty seconds to be exact) since he last ate a bowl of ramen. He would kill now for a bowl of ramen.

Perhaps, the silver haired samurai finally sensed his killer intent. He no longer answered with a joke.

"It was right there, I swear! I don't know why it's gone now!"

This is bad, really bad. He doesn't seem like lying. Where could the book be? Damn!

Until he could find the book, he would be stuck here indefinitely. It wasn't what he was looking forward to when he first agreed to come here.

"You know I can't go back empty-handed, right? Do you know who you're dealing with? For ramen sake, he is the Hokage now!"

It took him a long time to recover from the hemorrhoid that Kakashi's A-Thousand-Years-Of-Pain technique caused during their first bell test. If he took another one from Kakashi, he might not recover from it again. Naruto shuddered at the thought. Speaking of which, Kakashi was kind enough to teach him the technique. That was most unfortunate for his sensei doppelganger, Sakata Gintoki.

"Three days, you have three days. If you fail to find it in three days, there'll be consequence. Do we understand each other?"

And Naruto already had a few ideas playing in his head on how to upgrade the said technique to A-Million-Years-Of-Pain just in case the perm head failed. Sakura's sadistic penchant must have rubbed off on him over the years. After all, what are best friends for?

"Yep." Gintoki replied meekly.

"Good, where's the nearest ramen stall in town?"

Naruto slurped down the remaining broth of his tenth bowl of ramen before he let out a loud burp and sighed contently. Gintoki's face, on the other hand, was pale as paper when he emptied his wallet to pay for Naruto's ramen. His soul was barely hanging on to his body by a thin thread like a kite. A simple puff could break the fragilelink. That boy was such a shameless leech!

The ramen stall owner was over the moon. He had never seen such an enthusiastic customer with such healthy appetite before. The grin on his face was so big and bright that not even Gai sensei could compete with him. He bowed until his head almost touched his knees when the pair finally left his stall.

"Thank you! Please come back again, my most esteemed customer!"

"You can count on it, ji-san!" Naruto laughed and showed a thumb up.

Next time you can pay for yourself! Gintoki snorted.

"Gin-san, where have you been all day?" a four-eyed boy greeted Gintoki when they were back to the Yoruzuya. "And who is he? A new client? A friend?"

"Neither." Gintoki replied while picking his nose. Naruto shot him a glare before introducing himself, "Uzumaki Naruto. Please to meet you."

"Shimura Shinpachi. Like wise. Kagura-chan, we have a guest here!"

"Uzumaki Naruto here. Please to meet all of you." Naruto introduced himself again upon entering the Yoruzuya. Said orange haired girl was lying on the couch, eating her favourite sukonbu, not even bothered to get up. A giant white fur ball was curling besides the girl. It cracked open a single eye lazily to peek and see what the commotion was about. Neither was enthusiastic to greet him back.

Naruto had never seen such a large dog in his life. But then again, many creatures he encountered in this world were abnormal and it no longer surprised him anymore.

"I'll be staying here for a few days. Sorry with the intrusion. Please bear with me until then." Naruto bowed his head politely. Gintoki raised an eyebrow but he merely shrugged and muttered, "Whatever."

Upon hearing this, the girl sat up immediately and crossed her arms in front of her chest in annoyance. Frowning, she said, "Listen up, newbie. Otose ba-san below is the boss here, followed by Gin-san, me, Sadaharu," she pointed to the dog and continued, "Shinpachi and then you aru. Do you get that?"

"What? Why do I rank below Sadaharu?" Shinpachi yelled in protest.

"Shut up!" Kagura showed her fist in a threatening manner and Sadaharu barked in agreement with its mistress. Naruto shuddered inwardly - she reminded him too much of Sakura-chan to his comfort. It didn't help either that she was also wearing a red dress.

By the looks of it, the Shinpachi boy was at door mat level and to be below that was insulting to say the very least. He was going to become a Hokage one day, damn it! This wouldn't do if news got back to Konoha village.

"Excuse me, but I think I'm at least above this guy and the dog." Naruto cleared his throat and said, while pointing at Shinpachi.

Oh, this is getting interesting. Gintoki smirked while anticipating the drama that was about to unfold before his eyes.

Shinpachi's face was red in mortification. "I'm so NOT beneath you!"

"Sorry, but I don't swing that way."

"I didn't mean it that way!"

"Yeah? Let's have a match then to decide the ranking."

"What're the rules?" Shinpachi was too humiliated to back down from the challenge. Whatever it is, game on! He would show the whole world they're wrong about him.

Round 1: Shinpachi Vs. Newbie

"Hey, my name is Naruto, Uzumaki Naruto!"

"Whatever, fish cake." Gintoki and Kagura replied in unison.

Is those two father and daughter? Naruto could almost swear that the way Kagura picked her nose was the same as Gintoki.

"Whoever look away or shriek or vomit or faint first, lose."

What a lame rule. Naruto snorted.

Kagura switched on the television and inserted a tape. The TV screen showed: "WARNING: The following program has repulsive images or videos. Not suitable for the faint-hearted, pregnant ladies and children. Please proceed to watch with caution and on your own risk."

"Hello, everyone. I'm Mayo Prince, Hijikata Toushiro here. Today I'm going to teach you how to make an excellent sandwich." A black haired young man wearing an apron said with a bored expression.

Erm, a cooking programme? Seriously I was expecting something more hardcore than this. Naruto thought to himself.

Kagura and Gintoki shared an evil smile. Shinpachi smirked furtively when he looked at them. He already knew what was coming next. Oh, Gin-san and Kagura-chan, I love both of you! This cocky Naruto guy will never know what hit him!

"First, take out a slice of bread. Squeeze mayonnaise on top of it. Put cheese on top of it. Squeeze mayonnaise again. Put tuna on top of that. Squeeze mayonnaise. Put cucumber on top. Squeeze mayonnaise. Put slice of tomato on top. Squeeze mayonnaise. Put a slice of bread on top. Cut the sandwich into half. Last but not least, remember to squeeze mayonnaise on top of it. Remember, mayonnaise is love."

By the end of the cooking program, the entire sandwich was barely recognizable under the overflowing coat of mayonnaise. Naruto's eyes popped out from their sockets and his jaw dropped until it almost touching the floor like Jim Carey's face in 'The Mask', except he wasn't wearing one. Then he covered his mouth and managed to keep the ramen that he just ate from pouring out. He was a ninja (a person who endure), after all.

Neither looked away or shrieked or vomited or fainted first. So it was a tie.

To Shinpachi's dismay, they would have to enter the tie-breaker session.

"What's the tie breaker huh?" Naruto yelled. His suspicion of foul play grew when he saw his opponent wasn't seemingly disturbed while watching the repulsive show.

"Proceed to watch the next tape then." Gintoki ejected the tape to insert a new one. This time, Shinpachi began to feel nervous. He had no idea what was the next tape's content.

Again, the viewer warning showed up on the screen. A curly haired man wearing a coat and a tie with glasses, who looked suspiciously alike to Gintoki, appeared on the screen.

"Hi, fellow student. I'm Ginpachi sensei. Today I'm going to teach you about Gorilla mating season. Gorilla's mating season began when a male gorilla met a female." The man who called himself Ginpachi sensei pointed towards a picture of a male with mustache and then to a picture of a woman in pink yukata. Shinpachi recognized who they were immediately and groaned.

"That is so NOT a gorilla. That is the picture of a man and a woman. What the hell?" The clueless Naruto managed to keep his voice as low as he could.

"Remember the rules - no shrieking. Or you're out." Gintoki reminded gently.

"I didn't shriek." Naruto huffed. "Whatever." He didn't want to give the obviously biased judge a reason to rule him out. He watched on, wondering if it's really worth it to win the challenge.

"In order to woe the female, the male gorilla would hide in a bush, behind a lamp post, above the ceiling, in the female toilet…"

Then the TV screen showed the woman proceeded to beat the 'male gorilla' into a bloody pulp, every single time when she found out she was being stalked. Naruto winced (he was no stranger to suffer female abuse) and he felt pity for that man or male gorilla.

"… But the male gorilla never gave up. One day, the male gorilla got really, really drunk. He got back to the zoo…"

Gintoki calmly covered Kagura's ears with both his hands and said, "Trust me; you won't want to hear this part."

But Kagura merely broke free and glared at him. "I'm a big girl, I can handle myself aru."

"Suit yourself." Gintoki shrugged.

"… He stumbled and tripped over a pail of urine. He smelled terribly but not to the other male gorillas. To them, he smells heavenly and inviting. Apparently, that wasn't a pail of urine. It was pheromone…"

Then the screen was black out completely with sound of moans and shrieks emitting in the background. No one said a single word.

Then, unable to contain himself, Shinpachi threw up.

Followed closely by Naruto.

Sadaharu yelped.

Kagura cursed.

Gintoki smirked.

Otose yelled from downstairs, "Shut up, Yorozuya. I'm trying to watch soap drama series here."

Round 1 result: fish cake – 1, four eyes – 0.

Round 2: Sadaharu Vs. Fish Cake

"My name is Naruto, not fish cake. Dammit!"

Shinpachi was now officially the lowest member of the hierarchy. So he was the one who cleaned up the mess, aftermath of the first round match. Everyone else had all but forgotten about him. Tears flowing down from his cheeks as he mopped the floor.

Beware of the dog. Kakashi warned him before the mission.

Naruto eyed the dog warily. Sadaharu's innocent puppy eyes staring him back. A million stars in the galaxy reflected in those big, round eyes. He almost lost himself when he stared into those eyes for a second too long.

"Kai!"

What the *beep*! Can a dog actually cast genjutsu with their eyes? And then he remembered. This was an alien dog, after all.

"Whoever can fetch the most bones in an hour, wins." Kagura announced.

"What? This is so unfair! Sadaharu is a dog and I'm a human. How can you expect me to fetch bones?"

"If you don't agree, you can forfeit yourself aru." The orange head girl retorted without batting an eyelash.

"Woof!" Sadaharu barked in agreement.

Naruto gritted his teeth. There was no way he was going to lose to a dog, alien or not.

"Naruto is right. You can't be so biased, Kagura. How about each of you post a picture of yourself on Instagram, whoever gets the most 'likes' in an hour wins?" Gintoki suggested.

"You're a genius, Satoki-san." Naruto butter-up the man shamelessly. At least he still had chance to win this if this were the case.

Kagura grunted in annoyance. "Sadaharu will still win no matter what aru," she spat bitterly.

Sadaharu mustered his ultimate puppy-dog-eye-no-jutsu for his photo shoot with hashtag #cutest# starry# puppy#dog#eyes#Sadaharu#hit-like-button-or-Yato-clan-girl-will-hunt-you-down#

Meanwhile Naruto smirked and performed a Sexy-no-jutsu for his photo shoot with hashtag #sexy#pretty#nude#girl#Naruko#like#please#XOXO#.

Both Gintoki and Shinpachi suffered a massive nose bleed. Neither of them were able to confirm whether their nose bleed was caused by Kagura giving each of them a good punch to the face or the sexy photo of Naruko.

An hour passed, everyone squeezed in front of the computer's monitor screen to view the result.

Sadaharu – 600,000 likes

Naruko – 1,200,000 likes

Kagura was fuming. "This is cheating! It wasn't you in the photo!"

"It was still me, alright. It just not the usual version of me, that's all." Naruto defended himself.

"I incline to agree with him in this case." The lawyer Gintoki suddenly appeared and added.

"Shut up! I refuse to acknowledge this result!"

"Yeah, he's cheating." Shinpachi, still bitter about his defeat, sided with Kagura.

In the end, they all agreed to let the wise old Otose judge the result. After hearing from both side of story, Otose gave her verdict.

"Hm, you're both right in some sense. Base on the result, Naruko undeniably won. BUT, like I said, Naruko, not Naruto won this challenge. So unless you're willing to stay in Naruko's form, Sadaharu won."

Shinpachi laughed.

Naruto sighed.

Sadaharu barked.

Kagura cheered.

Gintoki nodded.

"All hail the wise Otose!"

No wonder she stayed at the top of food chain.

TBC

A/N: LOL, I hope you enjoy this chapter. This came from nowhere, I swear. Poor Kondou. Thanks for reading.