Huge shout out to one of my readers, Faeryfreak11, who said in her last review: "You're the one who made me lighten up to Samcedes. I now realize: Samcedes is actually really adorable!" That comment seriously made my life. Thank you again :)
I couldn't believe Kurt had dragged me to yet another Rachel Berry "extravaganza." It was extremely packed—wall to wall with people. Half of them were drunk and the other half danced as if they were on the set of a Lil Wayne video. Pretending like I'd miss these people was hard to do. With the exception of my Glee club family, I had zero interest in keeping in touch with our senior class. We' had four years to bond—just because we were on our way to rest of our lives, didn't change the number of slushie facials I'd taken over the course of my high school career. Kurt convinced me to go, and here I was.
He may have mentioned that Sam would be there tonight, which made it easier to get myself dolled up and ready to go.
I was sitting alone, trying to collect my thoughts. The decision to make things work wasn't an easy one, but I couldn't let him go. I wanted to talk to him—needed to. I had to tell him that if he thought he was going to get rid of me this easily, he had another thing coming. I even had an entire speech planned. When I saw him go outside, I figured this was my chance to go for it. There was no turning back now.
As I approached the door, my heart stopped. I had to blink a few times just to make sure I wasn't imagining the sight before me. Their blonde hair was distinct, and I could recognize them anywhere. The two of them were outside, snuggled close. She kissed him on the cheek! I started to feel dizzy as everything began to piece together. Realization hit me hard—an unsettling revelation that I was surprised I didn't see coming.
He had left me for Quinn.
Feeling like the biggest idiot, I needed to make my escape. Here I'd thought he cared. The intense looks, the way my heart fluttered when he first said I love you, and that smile that was reserved for the ones that he loved—was it all in my head? I was about to go and make a fool out of myself and tell him that I loved him. I had to get out of there before I lost my cool. I was making a B line for the door when I heard him call out my name.
"Mercedes!" I stopped dead in my tracks. I contemplated just running away, but I was instantly filled with rage. I turned around and looked at him. Oh, if looks could kill.
"What's wrong?" he asked me. He tried to reach his hand to me, but I smacked it away. I didn't want him to touch me ever again.
"I almost believed you in that letter. I came here tonight hoping to talk to you—I'm so stupid!"
I was desperately trying to keep the tears from coming down. There was no way he was going to see me cry. I would never be that vulnerable with him ever again. I tried to get away, but he just held me in place, which heightened my ugly mood.
"Mercedes, calm down! You're not making any sense at all."
"I saw you out there with Quinn. Why would you lie? Why would you tell me that you loved me, huh? If you still loved her, you should have just told me," I screamed with everything in me. The music was still loud, so thankfully no one heard us.
"Mercedes, we were just talking! I still love you—that's what I came here to tell you tonight. I love you!"
As soon as he said it, my hand went across his face. I didn't know what I was doing, but my brain and my heart just weren't on the right page. All I could hear was his lies. He didn't love me, he never did. The music had stopped and everyone was staring. I didn't care anymore.
"Stop lying to me Sam! Just stop! You know what? I'm so damn glad you broke up with me when you did. I'm so much better than this."
I walked away with my head held high. Everyone who watched me probably thought I was strong, independent, and didn't need him. But on the inside, I was breaking down, and I needed to get out of there—fast.
When I got outside, I couldn't breathe. My lungs felt as if they'd collapsed. I just wanted to leave, but Kurt was my ride. I turned back to the house, but Kurt and Tina were already on their way out to find me. Kurt looked furious and Tina didn't seem to know what was going on.
"Mercedes, what happened back in there?" Tina asked. I almost didn't hear her because my head was pounding.
"I'll kill Sam. I will hurt him severely, just say the word Mercedes," Kurt threatened.
"No Kurt, that's just not necessary. I'm going to fix this," I said pushing past them.
When I walked back into Rachel's house, I didn't have a concrete plan, but my legs were working by themselves. Everyone was staring at me, but I didn't have a care in the world. I took a drink, and downed the entire glass. I was going to need it to get through the performance I was about to give.
I walked over and took the microphone from Rachel. She was in the middle of singing some love song to Finn, so I'm sure the audience didn't mind. She saw the fury in my eyes and she didn't question my actions.
"Alright everyone, you all know me! I'm Mercedes Jones. Now, you all know that I've been dating Sam Evans for a while now. Well, just a few weeks ago, he broke up with me—in a letter."
Everyone in the crowd booed. I spotted Sam in the crowd; he looked like he wanted to die. I might have been taking it a little too far, but he needed to feel how I felt.
"Yea, I know. How pathetic? Tonight, I found out that he just left me for another girl. Classy, I know." Everyone was incredibly drunk, but they cheered me on anyway.
"And you know what else? He tried to tell me that he still loved me! Well guess what, Sam! I'm tired of your lies. I'm not mad though, because in a few days, I'm leaving Lima for good. There's nothing here that I need anymore. You? You're going to be stuck here forever, and you get to watch everyone around you leave. How does that feel?"
He was beyond pissed. His bright red cheeks and sad eyes weren't enough to keep me from going. I could see the disappointed looks from my friends. The moment the words escaped my mouth, I knew the damage was irrevocable. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I couldn't stop.
"If there was one thing I learned from being in Glee club, it was to sing what you can't say. So listen up Sam, this one's for you." I told Rachel to find the track. I was about to sing my last song to Sam, and I hoped he was listening very clearly.
"You told me on a Sunday, that it wasn't gonna work. I tried to cry myself to sleep, because it was supposed to hurt. We sat next to the fire, as the flame was burning out. I knew what you were thinking, before you'd say it aloud."
I kept trying to convince myself that I saw this coming as I sang the song, but nothing matched up. I I'd overheard the conversation with him and Mike and I read the letter a million times. I would have never expected Quinn to be a part of the equation, and I guess that's what made me so angry. What made me even angrier was that he made me feel this bad about myself. I should have never put my guard down and let him in.
"Don't say you're sorry, because I'm not even breaking. You're not worth the time that is taking! I knew better than to let you break my heart. This soul you'll never see again won't be showing scars. You still love her; I can see it in your eyes. The truth is all that I can hear, every time you lie."
I looked right at him as I sang. It was like I was trying to convince myself that I was doing the right thing as I sang the condescending lyrics. I was trying to convince myself that I knew better—but I didn't. Whenever we were alone—whenever he was looking me in the eyes, I felt safe. I believed every word he told me, but right now, I didn't know what to believe.
"I woke up the next morning, with a smile on my face. And a long list of gentlemen, happy to take your place. Less trashier, much classier, then who you prove to be. How long's it gonna take before, you see that she's no me!"
That last verse received a few cat calls from the crowd. Of course it wasn't true. I cried for days after the break-up and I would most definitely cry tonight.
I would never understand why I was doing this. Why was I trying to put up this front? Of course I cared—I was hurting. I didn't know if I actually believed he went back to her. I just knew anger felt better than being sad and depressed. If this was going to make everything better, then I had to convince myself that it was true.
"At night, awake. I will be sleeping till morning breaks. That's the price you pay, for your, mistakes. Goodbye to dreaming."
I was lying to myself and everyone in that room. I went about this the wrong way. It wasn't just the song, but it was what I said—how I said it. I basically told him that he wasn't going to do anything with his life. I once told him that I believed in him, and that he could do anything. . I had lost myself and hurt one of the few people on this Earth that had accepted me for me.
I was the liar now. There was no turning back now, the deed had been done. Sam would never forgive me for this.
"So, don't say you're sorry, because I'm not gonna listen. I knew better than to let you break my heart! This soul you'll never see again, won't be showing scars. You still love her; I can see it in your truth is all that I can hear, every time you lie. Every time you lie, oh! The truth is all that I can hear, every time you lie."
When the song was over, the people in Rachel's house were going insane. My eyes were stuck on Sam. He looked like he thought about approaching me, but he just ran outside of the house. All of a sudden, like a ton of bricks, everything hit me at once. What I had just done was completely unnecessary and I felt idiotic. Even if I was pissed about Sam, this was the worst thing I could have ever done. If he never talked to me again, I wouldn't blame him.
Being angry or upset was no excuse. What I thought was a good idea had crashed and burned right there in front of me. I hadn't been drunk, but I'd still be making my walk of shame that night.