CHAPTER 3

Sorry guys I decided to add little Angst to this chapter, Gokudera has an emotional breakdown.

Btw idk much about pianos or classical music but I did my best.

PS: I'll recommend listening to Comptine D'un Autre Ete: L'Apres midi while reading this.

But don't worry in the next chapter Hibari finally makes a move.

It had been a week since Gokudera resumed working, the other guardians were still scared of him… well most of them, he was still emotionless, and the truth was he wanted to feel something- anything. He didn't feel alive, he questioned his existence, and somehow he knew he deserved it. He had read the novel and done most of them, except the ones that involved feelings or tears. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't seem to feel anything. It was as if he was just passing through life like a robot, his body moved on its own had he had the same routine for ages. He would wake up and before he knew it he had already bathed, ate and was at work, he didn't even knew when he got there,

The only thing he felt was void- void of emotions, he noticed the stares he received from his fellow guardians as well as from the other minor members of the family. Haru had been trying so hard, he had to admit, she was a force of nature, she never took no for an answer and something about her made him feel calm, and at home. It had been a week since they went to the realtors but still he couldn't find the house he wanted, the houses he saw either seemed too big, too small or were missing something, he didn't knew what it was but somehow he knew he once had it.

Gokudera woke up today, and just knew it would be different, he was tired of the trance he was living in, he desperately wanted to feel something he wouldn't mind feeling anger or sadness, he just needed to feel alive. He walked into the Vongola HQ, all the guardians were there doing… well whatever it is they did, Dino had come to meet Tsuna for a meeting, everything was passing through him, he felt invincible. His body guided him to his office, where he went through the documents from the previous missions, he couldn't concentrate, his body was aching for something he didn't knew what it was, but he decided to let go, he decided to stop fighting and he let his mind wander, he let his mind wander, he was moving, he wasn't sure where he was going but he really didn't care. When he finally snapped out of the trance he found himself in front of the music room.

He wondered why it was called the music room; it only had a grand piano in it, which Tsuna had bought with the hope of seeing Gokudera play, Gokudera on the other hand refused to play. It was the first time he had refused Tsuna.

Now here he was in front of the piano, it had the Vongola crest on it, his fingers traced the symbol, he stared at the piano and remembered his mother, he remembered her favorite piece, he remembered his piano lessons, he knew he would feel something if he played the piano again, at least he hoped so. He was tired of the mask he was wearing, it was becoming a burden, he was tired of the chains in heart preventing him from feeling something, he closed his eyes and remembered his mother's hugs, he hadn't noticed when he lifted the lid of the piano.

He stared at the ivory and black keys, he trailed his fingers along the keys it had been ages since he last played and to be honest he wasn't sure he was going to be able to play. He told himself he wasn't going to play, he wasn't ready he just wanted to hear the sound of a piano one more time, he pressed a key and he felt the sound pass trough him, he could barely stand, his eyes got blurry, he saw his mother's warm smile, the sound was full of pain yet held some form of freedom, the piano was telling him to play it one last time, it was willing to carry his burden, he tried to leave but he just couldn't, something kept pulling him back, so he stopped fighting, he finally decided to free his inner demons, he was tired of feeling nothing and somehow the piano told him that it would make him feel, it would free him, it would accept him and that was all he wanted, so he sat down.

He stared at the keys in front of him it was nostalgic he finally decided to play his mothers favorite piece it was Comptine D'un Autre Ete: L'Apres midi. It was a beautiful piece, it held many memories both of happiness, sadness, pain, frustration. He would give anything to hear her play it one more time. he was so deep in thoughts that he hadn't noticed that Hibari had followed him in and was now leaning against the door staring at him.

His fingers touched the keys and be began to play slowly, he allowed himself to feel every note, every pain, every happiness, remembered how happy he was when he was learning how to play the piano, he was just a kid then and the grand piano fascinated him, his mother had given him the key to another world- music.

he remembered the joy of playing with her next to him he remembered her hugs, he remembered her kisses, he remembered her gentle laugh when he got a note wrong, he remembered the pain he felt when he lost her, the anger, the frustration, he blamed himself for her death he still did.

He remembered meeting Yamamoto, he was just an annoying stupid baseball idiot to him but soon he fell for that ever radiant smile, his gentleness, somehow it made him feel warm, it made him feel accepted, it removed some of his insecurity, it made him feel loved, he felt like a kid once again, he knew he wasn't the nicest or the most gentle person, but Yamamoto didn't mind, just like his mother didn't mind even when he made a mistake.

He remembered how he felt when he met Yamamoto's girlfriend, the doubt, the betrayal, the hurt, the strand of hope he was hanging on to, the denial. He felt like a fool, he laughed at his stupidity.

He remembered meeting Tsuna, he wasn't the strongest, physically or mentally but he always seemed to make him smile, even after more than a decade, he still hadn't opened up to him, the only person he had ever opened up a bit to was that baseball bastard and he ended up hurt.

He remembered their dates, the good times they had, he remembered the times when Yamamoto told him he loves him and how happy he was, he remembered the time they talked about the future, kids and God knows what.

He remembered the pictures Yamamoto's Girlfriend showed, she was wearing the same necklace as the one he gave him on their one year anniversary. He was such an idiot; he didn't deserve to be loved.

He was better of wearing his mask of fake strength, underneath it was a vulnerable kid who was never loved, underneath it was a kid who was filled with sadness, pain, anger, self loathing, a kid who always lost those he opened up to.

He was so lost in the music that he didn't notice the tears falling.

He remembered being dragged around by a determined Haru, he remembered Juudiame throwing him a surprise birthday or rather an attempt because he found out, it was one of the happiest days of his life, he remembered when Lambo went to middle school for the first day, he was nervous, and even tried to run away, those were good times.

He didn't notice the smile on his face despite the tears.

He remembered when he heard about his mother's death the pain was overwhelming, he felt a sharp pain hit his chest ,he remembered Yamamoto admitting that he had been cheating on him for the past two years.

He didn't want this pain anymore, he had wanted to feel something but not this pain. The music never lied to him, the music was honest, it saw through his mask, it saw through his guided heart, his walls crumbled. He was vulnerable, if he wasn't so far gone and deep in the music he would have been self conscious, he would have… it didn't matter anyway, he closed his eyes and let the music envelop him, he let himself be carried away, he let the music comfort him, the music gave him freedom, peace, the music helped him face reality.

The tears were falling, his eyes were bloodshot, he didn't notice when Haru came in to the music to see who was playing and found him crying while playing the most beautiful thing she had ever heard. She didn't notice when her eyes were filled with unshed tears.

He didn't notice when Lambo came in to see the source of the music and found him smiling despite the tears falling down his face.

He didn't notice when Tsuna and Dino came in to see him playing the beautiful music, and saw him with his eyes closed, a smile on his face and tears falling on the piano. They knew the tears were not just because of the recent breakup it was deeper than that, they saw a different Gokudera Hayato, not the smoking bomb, not the storm guardian, not the strong friend with a terrible attitude they knew, they saw a broken Angel, lost in his own world.

He didn't notice when Chrome and Mukuro came in, Chrome's eyes were full of sadness, Mukuro's were full of concern even though he was known to be cruel, heartless and a sadist he felt the pain, he saw the tears of a broken angel, he felt the pain, peace, freedom, anger, happiness and frustration in the music, when Gokudera started to smile even with his eyes closed, the so called heartless pineapple head felt something, it wasn't pity, it was sadness and peace.

He didn't notice when Yamamoto stared at him in complete disbelief, Yamamoto has never seen him play before even though he had asked him lots of time, Yamamtoto's face was filled with guilt, pain, disbelief, fear and concern.

He didn't Notice when Reborn come in, Reborn had a smile on his face, he knew Gokudera could play the piano but he has no idea he could play something this beautiful, he was happy that the storm guardian finally let go of his burdens, he was glad that Gokudera's perfect mask had been broken.

Haru tried to go Gokudera, she tried to reach out to him, but Hibari held her back and gave her a look that said "don't stop him, he needs this" she couldn't take it anymore, the song was filled with so much pain, tears began to fall down her cheeks, she was crying, not because she was in pain, but because the Gokudera in front of her wasn't the strong, temperamental, one she knew but a broken and helpless one.

Hibari wanted to hold Gokudera and tell him that he had been in love with him all along, that he loved him, every part of him ,and was willing to deal with his baggage, he loved everything about him, his temper, his attitude, his beautiful smile, he didn't want to see him cry ever again. He was willing to accept every part of him, the good, the bad, and the vulnerable.

Gokudera was lost in the music, he remembered is mother telling him that whenever everyone left him, music would never leave him, it would always comfort him, it would always love him, it would always accept him.

When he hit the last note he opened his eyes. He hadn't realized he was crying, his hands were trembling, the flashbacks didn't stop, the pain didn't stop but this time the pain held a little peace and freedom in it.

He had finally cried out the pain, he could finally feel something, he could finally move on, he could finally change, he could finally get stronger.

He reached for his pockets and took out a cigarette, his hands were still shaking, even though he had stopped smoking he still carried a few sticks and he was glad he had carried one today. He reached for his lighter, his hands were still trembling, his head was a mess, he was filled with so much emotions he couldn't think straight, he finally lit his cigarette and to took a long drag, he needed to calm his nerves, he finally puffed out the smoke, he felt a bit better, he suddenly became aware of the stares, he finally realized he was not alone in the room, he turned back expecting to find only Haru but instead he saw Dino, Bianchi, Reborn, Haru and the rest of the guardians, he couldn't deal with his now, Haru was crying, he hadn't meant to worry her, but he was too tired to talk, just wanted to sleep, he was too tired to think, he was exhausted physically and mentally. He slowly walked away, He left the Vongola HQ.

He found himself in the church, he wasn't a religious person, and he didn't come here to pray he just wanted a silent and peaceful place to calm down before going to his apartment. Speaking of apartments he needed to move to somewhere else. His mind wandered back to the look on Haru's face, he knew she was worried so he decided to text her.

TO: Haru

MESSAGE: I'm fine, no need to worry, I finally cried, I can finally feel something.

See you tomorrow

SENDER: H. Gokudera

SORRY IF IT'S NOT SO GOOD THIS IS MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT ANGST.