On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
Three confused heroes, two alien gods, and a Loki stuck in a tree.
Tony sat with three confused Avengers. Steve, Loki, and Thor had no clue what modern Christmas entailed. He planned to explain it to them. Tony, being Tony, decided acting it out was a good idea. Tony was being the narrator, Clint was being the little boy, Pepper was being the mother, Happy was being the father, Maria and Sitwell were being elves, Jane was being Mrs. Clause, Coulson was being Santa, and Darcy, Bruce, and Natasha were another family.
"So, all the boys and girls of the world write these letters to a man called Santa Clause who brings lots of toys and candy that they ask for." He pointed to Clint as he pretended to write a letter.
"Dear Santa," Clint said loudly, pissed that this was his role. "I would like a new bow and arrow for Christmas this year."
"And then," Tony continued. "The kids give their letters to their parents, who mail them to the north pole for Santa."
Pepper grabbed the letter from Clint and gave it to Happy after putting it in an envelope. He left the room with the letter and Tony continued.
"Santa has a team of elves who work for him in the north pole and one of the elves sorts through all the letters for Santa."
Maria took the letter and the empty envelopes Tony had decidedly poured onto the floor and put them in neat piles.
"Then she gives the letters of the good kids to Santa, who gives the orders to the other elves to make the toys."
Sitwell tied a bow onto Clint's bow. The two lovely elves had on the green hats and pointy shoes and everything. Tony could get anything he wanted to happen, no matter what.
"Then Santa, on Christmas Eve night, gets on his sleigh and Mrs. Clause makes sure he has his extra socks. And he flies around the world on with his sleigh guided by flying reindeer and delivers toys to everyone!"
Phil sat on a rocking chair that had a rope attached to it. Jane handed him a pair of socks and Fury grudgingly entered the room. He had a glowing nose on and a pair of fake antlers. He was Rudolph.
"Rudolph here lights the way so Santa can see in the dark." Tony added with a smirk as Fury pulled Phil's rocking chair out of the room. "Everybody has to go to bed early on Christmas Eve so Santa can come, but we leave him cookies and carrots for his reindeer. He only comes if everyone in the house is asleep."
Bruce pretended to be in a bed with Natasha and Darcy was their daughter who didn't want to sleep. Then she laid down next to her "parents" and they pretended to all asleep.
"On Christmas morning, everyone wakes up early to open the presents they got from Santa and from each other."
They showed Pepper open a wrapped coffee cup and Happy get a key chain and Clint get his bow.
"And everyone lives happily ever after. The end." He paused, finally looking at Steve, Loki and Thor. "Do you understand now?" Steve simply raised an eyebrow, giving him a knowing look. Loki and Thor nodded, then shook their heads. Oh well, they will get it someday.
"You mean I had to wear this stupid footie pajama thing just for you to not understand?!" Clint exclaimed. "I hate you people." He stormed out of the room and everyone, except Fury, laughed even if it was lightly for some.