Hey chickie babies! I'm back!

Yes, I noe last chapter I sed I was pulling dis fic 2 b published, but I decided I culdn't do that to all my loyal fans!1! I luv you guys, and I feel like I'm obliged to finished what I started. So, under no circumstances will I b pulling this fic. I'm reely disappointed by othr authors who hve pulled their fics recently, and I fell like its just morally wrong.

2ndly, I'd like to thank some people. 1stly, xrxdanixrx. She inspried this hole story, and has kindlee been prereading and makin notes before I post. I must say tho, last chp a few ppl commented that there were spelling errers, so this is rly her last chance to clean up mah work, or I'll find another fangirl to do it.

I'd also lyk to tahnk Tkegl, for making me an awesome banner and twitter avi. They look rly kewl, and there is linkage on mah profile.

Also thanks for javamomma0921 for convertin this doc for me so I cud finish it. Darn laptop died, and this girl hear saved mah life!

Finally, I'd lyk to thank mah fangirls. Yep, that's rite, YOU! You girlz r the 1s who squee ovr my updates, give awesome feedback in reviews, and stalk, flame and shame any1 who dares to say they dislike my fic. Ty for following VSaFFC (that's the acronym my fic is known as, as I'm a BNA and all BNAs have acronyms for their fics):

Robrator, mpg, Alby Mangroves, jujubakiller, javamomma0921, jeasterl, jesicka309, SuperstarNanna, geenakmom, vivipoo2, tiffaninichole, eli-dunbigboot, 2littleladies, dulcinea21bella, jesicka309, RebeccaMCullen, MadamThang, , Chocolate Lover 82, Fangscape, drumbjo, xx-twilight7-xx, hyperspaz664, jesicka309, LittleMissInnocence, Nicoconsd, Bedazzled1918, lharkcom, ermireallydontcare, jesicka309, edwardsisobel, ArcadianMaggie, SexyLexiCullen, Rochelle Allison, epipole, katinki, ., BellaFlan, babsnorwood, shell29bell, CarrieCee, jesicka309, luckyj525, ajamm, blahblah, chucklesfamily, EternallyCullen, gemini13me, jesicka309, cowgirlamber, Marvar, cullensroc, High-larious, hollyeloise, annetteinoz, maria2906, rameau, jesicka309, eli-dunbigboot, mroth, RangaJess, MissWinkles, KiyaRaven, jesicka309.

I think I got you all. Now you know that I know you're r/ring, and I'll alos noe if u publically flounce. Just a friendly warning. I'LL SET THE OTHERS ON YOU!

Dats all 4 now. Enjoy dah story!

"Oh, God, no, no! Not the celery! NOOOOOOOO!"

Jessica sat bolt upright in bed, shaking and shivering. Ever since she had dreamt about Edward Cullen as a Dom, she had been plagued by nightmares. Nightmares of being tied to a chair and forced to eat celery.

It had most definitely put Jessica off the idea of BDSM. She had decided that in the future, all her Edwards would be vanilla. That was what she wanted.

Once again, the heroine of this story was Jessica, a beautiful, yet modest, Mary-Sue. Need the author explain her? She will just for laughs.

Jessica was beautiful and sweet, yet a complete contradiction and impossible for men to understand. Alas, if her mind wasn't shielded, as she most definitely knew it was, vampires with mind reading skills would be breaking down her door. Her face was like a dream, perfectly proportioned, with smooth, clear skin and chocolate doe eyes that held her soul. Her breasts were ripe for squeezing, and her waste was small and defined. Her mahogany hair was thick, shiny, and had hints of red in the sunlight.

Fortunately, Jessica herself would disagree with all of those things, making her humble and modest; the perfect Mary-Sue. Those beautiful brown eyes were boring, that smooth clear skin pasty, and those breasts too small! It would be impossible to identify with Jessica if she believed all those wonderful things about herself, so the author must make her modest and allow other characters to comment on her beauty.

Jessica was a self-admitted fan fiction addict, making her a very clear Mary-Sue. Yes, she played TwiFicTrivia every Tuesday night, lamenting at all the h00rs that seemed to steal her titles, and trying her darndest best to win a point. Does anyone have a problem with that? No, this is not a self-insert(much)! The author will be lavishing attention on her perfect character, as in reality, it is just a fictional extension of herself. But who are we to judge? It is just fan fiction, people!

But Jessica's real passion was her journey to find her own personal Edward. So far, she had only come close to the Adonis in her dreams, and even then, he hadn't been perfect. One had impregnated her with a half-vampire-half-human devil baby, while the other had force fed her celery. It was hopeless.

Jessica had worked out the only way to come close to her true Edward; to write him in a fan fiction of her own. But where to start? What kind of fan fiction Edward would suit her best? There were just so many options!

She knew that any story she wrote would have to have the perfect Edward; reviewers couldn't stand any sort of flaw in Edward, and would forgive it instantly anyway.

Puzzled by her impossible conundrum, Jessica lay her pretty little head down on the desk, hoping that once again, her prophetic yet useless to the plotline dreams would come to the rescue…

"She take my money when I'm in need

Yeah she's a trifling friend indeed

Oh she's a gold digger way over town

That dig's on me…"

Jessica opened her eyes to find herself in a large, open field.

"The meadow!" she squealed.

The meadow was the one romantic place in the world where dreams could come true, and romance could magically happen. Even more exciting was the fact that every single Edward had a meadow for thinking, contemplating life and their eternal existence, and taking hot girls like Jessica to bone.

Jessica couldn't understand why she could hear the quiet strains of Jaimy Foxxx and Kanyay Weest, as every Edward had a penchant for classical music, in particular Debussy. There is no way on earth that a real Edward would have this "Golddigger" monstrosity playing. The only music that Edward was allowed to like was Claire de Lune! It was a cannon trait that everyone used, it couldn't possibly be different!

Jessica suddenly looked up and saw Alice, standing eerily in the middle of the field. Her eyes were glazed over, and her face expressionless, as Alice always was when being described as having a vision.

"Omigosh!" Jessica exclaimed. "She's having a vision!"

Alice's eyes came back into focus. "It's time," she said, in the same way she said it in the movie.

Jessica heard a rustling in the trees and turned around. Vampires shouldn't make so much noise! That could only mean one thing….

ALL HUMAN!

"Holy crow!" Jessica exclaimed. While this phrase may sound unusual, Jessica was not allowed to swear. Her clean mouth showed how virginal and perfect she was, as well as reinforcing her innocence. Edward couldn't date a swearing Jessica!

As she said this insipid yet character encapsulating line, an Edward emerged out of the trees. He was dressed immaculately in a business suit, his bronze hair tousled (of course), and his emerald eyes blazing.

Jessica shivered. It was a CEOward! There was nothing better than Edward in a suit…he had to be the youngest CEO in history!

Then another stepped out of the shadows, then another. Before Jessica knew it, there were four CEOwards standing in front of her.

A movement at the corner of her vision distracted her, and she turned to see more people emerging from the trees.

It was another Edward. He was topless, with a myriad of tattoos covering his chest and arms. His ears were pierced, and his torso was heavily muscled.

Jessica gasped. "Tattooward?"

Like a moth to a flame, another five Tattoowards emerged out of the wilderness.

There was more movement in the trees, and Jessica turned to see more and more Edwards appearing out of the trees. Some were heavily built, with large muscular arms. Many of these Edwards were dressed as tradesmen-firemen, lumberjacks, builders. Others were clearly personal trainers, or Armywards. Numerous Highschoolwards lounged around the edge of the field, as did many Douchewards, who were pretending they weren't interested, and Whorewards, who came with their own personal Tanyas in tow. Sportwards were practising their respective sports, keeping their eyes out for interested fan girls.

There were many Artistwards, Musicwards, and Drugwards, dressed in loose slacks and T-shirts. Daddyward, Surferward, even a Gazeboward. There were numerous Professorwards, some wearing glasses, one even wearing a beret!

Then there were the Sinnerwards. In the time Jessica had looked away, their numbers had grown exponentially. Now, Jessica saw hundreds of Edwards in suits standing before her, each with distinct pain in their eyes. Jessica wanted to heal their souls.

There were also combinations. Drugwards with tattoos. Professorwards with sin in their souls. Daddywards who were building gazebos. There was every Edward imaginable. If Jessica could not pick an Edward to love from this entire army, then there was something wrong with her.

A breeze wafted through the meadow, picking up Jessica's hair and fluttering it in her face. The army of Edwards all turned their heads towards Jessica, sniffing in her direction.

Simultaneously, they ran their hands through their tousled bronze hair, and muttered, "Freesias… and strawberries."

Jessica was puzzled, wondering how any human could possibly smell her from that far and be able to detect the only two scents that she ever smelt of.

She decided to approach the nearest, an Edward in an older style suit.

"Excuse me?" she asked timidly, biting her lip as all attractive heroines do, "What kind of Edward are you?"

The Edward pinched the bridge of his nose. "I am Periodward."

Jessica gaped. "What?" Thoughts of menstruation and blood quickly flooded her mind.

He chuckled, smiling the crooked smile that all Edwards smiled. "I come from period stories. In the past. I am almost always centred around 1918, though it can vary within a few decades."

"Oh," Jessica said quietly, not sure what to think. Could it be that an Edward from the past would love and cherish her, the way Bella was in Twilight?

Jessica only had one more question to ask, just to be sure. "You… don't have a fuchsia room of pain, do you?"

Images of being force fed celery and left alone in the dark haunted her. It almost made her broken enough to deserve a Sinnerward.

As one, the entire population of 'Wards turned towards her and bellowed, "EVERY EDWARD HAS A FUCHSIA ROOM OF PAIN!"

Jessica bolted upright in bed, shaking. It couldn't be true. Her subconscious was dredging up images that she was trying so hard to suppress. Images of Edwards of all shapes and sizes, and rooms of pain.

Knowing she needed to go back to sleep, Jessica got up and went to the bathroom, taking four Tylenol, six Xanax, a couple of anti-histamines and a Vitamin C tablet. Didn't you know all fan fiction heroines have a slight prescription drug addiction?

Completely doped up, Jessica went back to bed and passed out almost immediately…

18 years, 18 years

She got one of your kids got you for 18 years

I know somebody paying child support for one of his kids

His baby mamma's car and crib is bigger than his

Jessica was in a supermarket, with long aisles ahead of her.

Next to her was Periodward.

"Periodward? What are we doing here?"

He chuckled, ran his hand through his hair, smiled crookedly and pinched the bridge of his nose all at the same time, effectively covering every gesture that all Edwards were capable of.

"We are here to choose you an Edward, my love."

Jessica frowned. "Why can't I have you?"

"I am a very specific Edward. You would have to research the hell out of me and my time to even come close to writing a believable story."

"Oh."

"Also, you wouldn't be able to rely on backslash or lemons to boost your reviews."

Jessica smiled. "I definitely need those."

Periodward gestured down the aisles. "Well, choose an Edward."

As Jessica looked down the aisle, she realized that the only items the store stocked were Edwards… hundreds and hundreds of Edwards, all packaged up in boxes like Barbie dolls.

Jessica came to the first box and shivered. "BDSMward?"

She read the label affixed to the box.

BDSMWard

Background: usually a high profile CEO of some kind, BDSMward has a dead parent, quite often his mother. He requires extra attention, as he is overly controlling and will not stand for other men coming into contact with their sub. Resistant at first, he may be tamed by the right kind of woman who does not cave to his will initially.

Will suit: a complete door mat who enjoys being walked all over, anyone who's into the lifestyle of BDSM, anyone who is willing to have the crap beaten out of them in exchange for the promise of love.

Comes with: previous subs (Tanya, Lauren), sexual experience and an entire empire.

See also: CEOward, Sinnerward

Jessica stepped back. "No thank you."

Periodward smiled. "Let's try further down the line."

"Oh, look!" Jessica gasped. "It's a Doucheward!"

She stepped closer to examine the label of the man in front of her.

Doucheward (High School Variety)

Background: best known for their string of lovers, most Douchewards show their love through their outward "hate." In this special edition "High School Variety," Edward is the school jock, who usually dates the head cheerleader while having sex with other girls in the school. Prone to substance abuse, High School Doucheward will usually have sex with the airheads of the school whilst harbouring a secret love for the nerdy bookworm.

Will suit: anerdy bookworm, who is willing to go through a lot of crap and emotional heartache in exchange for the redemption of a hot teenage boy.

Comes with: ex-girlfriends (most usually Tanya), insults, tears, and the expectation that the owner will "loosen up" after being with High School Doucheward for a period of time.

See also: Drugward, Sportsward. Sinnerward

Jessica stepped back and turned to Periodward. "Does every Edward come with a Tanya?"

Periodward chuckled. "Only the sexually experienced ones. I'm sure we have a few virgin varieties up the back. They aren't too popular, really."

Jessica shrugged. "I can see why. I'm totally a virgin, and I need an experienced Edward in my fic to teach me the ropes."

She looked further down the aisle. "What about that one?"

Periodward smiled, crookedly. "Let us journey down the aisle. This is our most popular variety as of late. It's really versatile."

Professorward

Background: this standard Edward has been a favourite over the ages. Usually residing at a university campus, Professorward demonstrates his intelligence through his work. He is usually a prodigy of some kind, and along with this comes a stunted emotional intelligence. Professorward is prone to falling in love with students who are quiet yet unassuming. Once that love has taken hold, he can be quite possessive and demanding. He may come across as rude and standoffish until he has made that decision. An extreme romantic, he takes pride in lavishing his love with gifts. Usually comes with sexual experience, Professorward even sometimes comes with a previous family. Professorward usually has a tortured past and may require some nurturing before he can fully trust his love.

Will suit: a patient student who does not mind having to deal with legalities surrounding student/teacher relationships

Comes with: intellect, quite often a Tanya or female of similar variety, mother issues.

See also: Daddyward, Doucheward

"Mother issues?" Jessica murmured. Looking around the store, she saw a giant red sign hanging in the middle of the store.

"All Edwards come equipped with four non-plot related characters; Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie. Parents not included/guaranteed."

Jessica nodded in understanding. Most human Edwards had at least one dead parent; it was the crux of all their emotional issues.

Jessica stopped in front of a Tattooward and admired his body art.

Tattooward

Background: wildly artistic and always intelligent despite his occupation, Tattooward expresses his guilt and pain through his body art. Has deep rooted parental issues, usually stemming from the death of one, or both of his parents. Has what one would say "a shady pas," but his skill in the bedroom always exceeds this. Tends to be extremely possessive, though will care for his chosen one as though they are a child. May be helped with his issues by the right kind of girl (own issues preferred).

Will suit: girl with extreme emotional problems who is willing to allow Tattooward to share the load and who isn't adverse to the abuse of prescription medication.

Comes with: Tanya (plus multiple other ex-hook ups), parent issues, a bad boy attitude.

See also: Doucheward, Criminalward, Mafiaward.

Jessica grinned. This was the one! She had to have a Tattooward for her story.

She turned to Periodward. "I'll take one Tattooward, please!"

The moment her lips uttered those words, Tattooward burst out of the casing.

"Mine!" he hissed.

Tattooward shoved Periodward out of the way and embraced Jessica.

"I'll make it all go away," he whispered, and kissed her. Their tongues clashed together, battling for dominance as though they were having a wet, sloppy, sword fight….

Jessica sat up in bed, with a big grin on her face. That was an incredible dream! She couldn't remember exactly what happened (though somehow the readers were treated to a full, blow by blow account of her dream), but she definitely had some great ideas for her first fan fiction.

An hour or two later, Jessica had come up with the first chapter of her fanfiction. This is the point where the author of this story lost all inspiration and turned to the advice of her readers and their reviews. They won't notice, right?

MY FANFICTION

BY JESSICA

Jessica and Alice had been best friends since they were like, five years old. And Jessica had been in love with Alice's brother, Edward, for just as long.

This is what it was like when they met.

"Hi, Jessica," Edward said, scratching his little five year old head. "How are you on this fine, distinguished day?"

Jessica wondered why Edward was talking like such a grown up. They were only five!

"Not bad, my dear Edward. I would be honoured if you would join me in the sandbox."

And that was what happened when they met.

The problem was that they were now in high school, and Edward was like the biggest jock and the most popular guy in school. And Jessica was the biggest nerd, who would possibly want her?

Alice surprised Jessica by jumping out from behind a corner.

"Oh My Edward! (OME) Alice, you scared me!"

Alice was unfazed by this exclamation of her brother's name. "Edward wants to see you."

"Oh." Jessica tried to play it cool, and skipped off to find him.

She eventually found Edward, waiting in the janitor's closet.

"Oh, Jessica. I've always wanted you. Let's have sex, right here in the closet."

"But, Edward, we're at school!"

He chuckled. "Every high school fan fiction has a closet sex session. How else would they ever meet up?"

Jessica shrugged, disregarding the fact that Edward had always ignored her and that this was highly out of character behaviour.

They started making out, then Edward pulled down his pants, and Jessica proceeded to give him the best blow job she could, despite the fact that it was her first time.

"Wow," Edward groaned. "Where did you learn this shit?"

Jessica had no idea what he meant. As the heroine of the story, she was automatically obliged to be naturally good at sex, despite her inexperience.

She just kept on sucking and licking, doing whatever she could to get him to go.

Finally, he came. Jessica could tell, because he groaned and grabbed her hair.

His jizz was like a flavor explosion in her mouth. Strawberry, apple, lemon, blackcurrant, orange, all the flavors of the rainbow! It wouldn't be wrong to liken it to Skittles.

Jessica wiped her mouth, eagerly licking her lips and fingers. What delicious cum! She didn't think that it would taste so good, but considering it was Edward's, it HAD to taste better than the average man's.

Edward pulled Jessica to him and yanked her skirt up.

"I'm not finished with you yet!"

Jessica squealed. "But you just went! How is that anatomically possible?"

Edward pressed his fingers into her dripping pussy. "For you, I am always hard, baby."

Jessica was flattered by his obvious arousal by her, and distracted by Edward's ministrations on her lady parts. She decided to go with it. After all, Edward Cullen was the hottest guy in school. She should disregard his man whore reputation and make the most of the opportunity she had right now. I mean, this was probably going to be the only lemon for a while, as this encounter would probably end in a whole heap of angst, drugs, and miscommunication that would last for multiple chapters.

After a little bit of foreplay, which wasn't really necessary because Jessica was so damn hot for Edward, he pushed inside her.

"Holy monster cock of hell!" she cried out, feeling him fill her all the way up.

Edward groaned. "I love it when you talk dirty."

He pounded her incessantly, bringing her to orgasm again and again. At one point, Jessica couldn't help but notice that the time had been flying by. Had they really been in there for two hours?

"Come for me, love," he said, and Jessica did as she was told.

When he was finished, they hurriedly put on their clothes, disregarding the dripping skittle juice leaking out of Jessica.

Edward snuck out of the closet first, then Jessica. Once outside, Jessica realized that Edward had left her again.

At lunch, sitting with Alice and Angela (her only two best friends. Go figure.) Jessica kept an eye out for Edward. When he came into the lunch room, she waved him over.

He glared at Jessica with his beautiful emerald green eyes. "Did you want something?"

Jessica gasped. They had been having sex a little over ten minutes ago? How could he be so cold, so callous?

That's when Tanya joined Edward, wrapping her whore-like arms around him. Edward had a girlfriend. He didn't want Jessica.

The pair walked away, laughing. Jessica instantly felt depressed. She knew that over the next couple of weeks, she would stop eating, lose a ridiculous amount of weight, become shut off from the world, become even more addicted to prescription drugs, and throw herself in her studies. Edward would eventually notice her anguish, realize his mistakes and come back to her, right? Even though it was just high school, and they had many, many years for their relationship to fall apart, Jessica knew they were soul mates.

The only reaction Jessica would get from Edward was if Jacob or a male of similar yet undesirable quality even showed the barest hint of interest in Jessica. Then, they would get bashed by Edward, who did not want to share Jessica with anyone, despite his reluctance to have her himself.

It was the start of a torturously angsty and pointless high school fan fiction.

Jessica quickly uploaded this chapter to the fanfiction net website, quickly typing a summary that claimed "I suk at summeries, itz gud I swear. Review plz!" For the next few days, she waited anxiously for reviews, but none ever came…. It seemed like a tragic ending for our heroine Jessica, and the author will possibly drag this out further…

JessicaLeia ended up taking down her fanfiction about Twilightherfavoritebook not long after she met JacobLuke. He was the sun to her… sky? He made JessicaLeia feel special despite the lack of an EdwardHan in her life, and JessicaLeia had to make do with second best.

JessicaLeia lived a long and less than fulfilling life with JacobLuke, always dreaming of an EdwardHan.

Well, that's the end everyone! I'm sorry to have to announce that I am leaving the fandom. Sure, I will still most likely be writing several epilogues, a few outtakes, and an EPOV for Fandom For Floods, but really, I'm leaving.

The reason makes me sad. Aside from people translating my work without my authorization (some chick wanted to translate it into "proper English" wtf), I will be pulling down my work. Because I'm getting published.

Don't you dare mock me! I never said I wouldn't pull to publish (don't scroll up) and I really hope you will all purchase my book "Spacelight" about Leia, Luke and Han. I'm doing you all a favour by leaving this up here for people to read now, and posting epilogues. So be grateful. And buy my book.

Also, leave me lots of reviews, and don't you dare say mean things about me on twitter. I'll set my minions on you.

Thanks for reading duckies! Jess x