Epilogue: Forgetting
Author: Lannie
Rating: PG
Warnings: No spoilers for XXXholic I can think of. Eventual & implied DoumekixWatanuki.
Disclaimer: Characters owned by Clamp and their associated publishers.
Notes: Epilogue/mini-sequel to "Waiting." Part of my sprawling Reincarnation arc. All dates are sequential for this part. Thoughts are in italics. Unbeta'd, any and all mistakes are mine. To date we haven't been given the names of Doumeki's family members so here are mine for the purpose of this story:

Doumeki Seito: Shizuka's grandfather and formidable exorcist.
Doumeki Kazuko: Shizuka' grandmother, a highly intuitive woman.
Doumeki Youka: Daughter of Seito and Kazuko, never formally trained in exorcism but highly sensitive to the energy of places.
Doumeki Souya: Husband of Youka. As a veritable orphan, he adopted the Doumeki surname when he married Youka.

EDIT: Since writing this story, Clamp has given Doumeki's grandfather the name Haruka. I am not sure how wildly divergent my characterization of Grandfather Doumeki is from the canon. So shall I go back and change the name, or is Seito more of an original character? Let me know what you all think. We'll keep it Seito for now to keep continuity.

All names within the story, however, are given Western style. Which is to say, given name first, followed by family name.

Dedicated to all the members of Deep Connection. Everyone's passion for the series and support for each other have been the driving force behind getting me to sit down and write this story that has been stewing in my brain for half a year.

The taxi ride to the hospital was a silent affair. There had really seemed nothing any of them could say that would help the situation. As soon as the family had been notified that Shizuka fell ill while wandering in one of the neighboring districts it was obvious he had undertaken a solo search for his friend. What fools they'd been! And yet by the same token, Shizuka was not the average elementary schooler and was clearly capable of subterfuge. He was clever, yes, but still a child with a child's sense of ill logic and a young body's limitations. The fact that they had failed him weighed heavily on their minds.

Kazuko had always thought herself a pragmaticist. Taking on extra guilt or worry from things she could not control had never been her habit. Now though her entire being was filled with an unbearable sense of failure. Failing both her child and grandchild, her talents were of no use, her intellect and intuition of no consequence.

At the hospital, watching her son struggle for breath. Youka could only numbly think of a doll her childhood friend had possessed. Imported from Europe, the doll had been made of molded from a sickeningly pale wax and had too shiny blue-glass eyes. Privately, she had always thought it resembled a corpse. And now here was Shizuka looking just like that doll, skin pallid, fever-bright eyes, with lips and finger tips tinged with blue.

"He'll be fine," Kazuko squeezed her hand before reaching for Shizuka's. "Many children have had pneumonia and got through it just fine."

"I know, Mother it's just," Youka's voice trailed off as she regarded her son. "I don't want to lose him."

"None of us do."

The two women sat silently at the foot of the bed for the rest of the visit. Outside, in the hallway, Souya and Seito filled out the necessary paperwork and answered the social worker's questions. Or rather, Souya did the paperwork and answered questions while his father-in-law stood beside him in deep contemplation. The wheel of fate was no mystery to Seito. It rose and fell, sped up and slowed down, regardless of human wishes. He had long prided himself on his ability to adapt to change. For any given problem, Seito believed there were a number of viable solutions. Finally the time had come in which only one solution seemed available, or at least the only one that would save his grandchild's life. Had Shizuka's actions and illness been avoidable or simply inevitable?

50 Years Ago, Near Mount Koya

"Shall I close the screen, master?" Seito Doumeki asked the older monk.

"That will not be necessary," smiled Koun, sipping his bowl of tea.

"The October winds are quite chilly, you might become ill," protested the young monk.

"I am already dying, let an old man his comforts. The maple leaves in the wind cheer me."

For some time, the howl of the wind outside was the only sound that could be heard. Seito fixed himself some tea and sighed.

"How long?" he finally inquired.

"I have told the other monks three weeks."

It was an answer, though even young as he was, Seito could see it wasn't an honest answer.

"How long, master?" he asked more softly.

"I have been granted a vision of my death and next life," Koun responded at last. "Next Tuesday morning from what I can gather."

"I am sorry, master."

"There is nothing to be sorry about, my son. I have a favor to ask of you."

"Anything. Name it and it is yours."

"I want you to contact him at the time of my death, so that he has the option of attending my funeral."

"Him? That man, that police officer who has been nothing but a constant source of grief and animosity your entire life? Master, are you certain?"

The old man chuckled, replying, "Well, I would not say nothing but grief. It is a great deal more complicated than that. But yes, I am most certain."

"I see."

"There is more I have to tell you, Seito, though I am afraid it is no secret teaching."

"My ears are always open to my master's wisdom."

"I would not call it wisdom. If anything, I am embarrassed to say it falls more along the lines of another favor."

"Go ahead."

"All signs point to my next lifetime being the most auspicious for breaking the cycle in which I have been ensnared for many lifetimes. If I may be so bold as to ask for some guidance from you."

"From me, master?"

"For you see, Seito, my next incarnation is as your grandson."

Present Day

Five days after Shizuka's release from the hospital, Seito donned his best clothes and went for a walk in the moonlight. It mattered not which direction he wandered, only that he had a wish in his heart, one that he alone could not fulfill. The witching hour was nigh when at last he arrived at his destination, the mysterious shop of Yuuko Ichihara.

"Welcome, Grandfather!" Two little girls had opened the door and beckoned him forward. They had not been there during his last visit, but fifty years was a long time ago. Down a narrow hall they led him before pulling a screen open to reveal Yuuko's living quarters.

"Mistress, the guest has arrived!" they cried simultaneously.

Dark and beautiful as ever, the Witch of Time and Space rose to greet Seito.

"Dear friend," she embraced him warmly.

"The circumstances are not happy ones," he replied crossly, though returning the embrace.

"Indeed, though happier times may arise because of them. Wine, my friend?"

"Most appreciated."

"Maru, Moro, fetch the large green bottle from the kitchen.

"You know why I am here."

"I knew it for some time."

"What is the price?"

"Wouldn't you rather hear the solution first?"

"The solution is forgetting."

"Ah, but the forgetting is very much part of the price."

Seito scowled.

"Despite all appearances, my powers are not limitless and follow specific rules. Our transactions must adhere to the universal balance otherwise the best results cannot be achieved."

"Continue."

"Shizuka will forget. His price is the forgetting itself. Although his memories cause him much pain, they are also a great source of strength. Your price is your power. Your command of magic shall dwindle bit by bit until your dying day. Your wisdom, in the form of your journals, books, and talismans are to be bequeathed to the shop as I ask for them. Some will be before your death, others upon your death, and still others years after your death. What you have learned is not yours exclusively and it too has a place in this universe of give and take."

"Fine," snapped the man. "Is that all?"

"No, Seito. There is one more component of the price. After your death, the seal on Shizuka's memories will fade."

"You cannot."

"You are making a wish without the consent of the recipient, obviously there will be constraints. Since you view his memories as painful, I will take away that pain for as long as possible."

"After I am dead, who will protect him?"

"He will become stronger than you realize. If you wish him to grow up normally, this is the limit. There is a reason Shizuka has been reborn with certain memories intact."

"I do not care for this arrangement."

"Whatever you may think, Seito, I care a great deal for both of them."

xxxXXXxxx

Since he was found that night, Shizuka had not spoke a word. He felt sick, heartbroken, confused, tired, and even a little angry. It was hard to find the words that would express everything he was feeling and everything he had been hoping for. So he thought instead. Thought of new ways to find his friend, puzzled over any clues his patchwork memories might have left behind, and wondered where it might all end.

Shizuka's continued silence was being to unnerve the family. They hadn't expected him to talk much in the hospital, that type of atmosphere felt stifling to all of them. Youka was afraid he might never speak again and was worried that there might have been a great deal more trauma dealt to the boy than mere pneumonia. Souya feared the same and secretly wondered if they should be looking for a child psychologist. Sensing traces of different spirit attachments, for lack of a better word, Kazuko gave the boy a purification bath after the first week of antibiotics and dressed him in girls' kimono to fool malevolent spirits.

And Seito simply waited for the arrival of a witch.

A witch who made no appointments, but always appeared when the time was right.

The night before Shizuka would return to school, Yuuko came to the temple. She brought a bottle made of a strange glass and a goblet that looked far too large for anyone to comfortably drink from. Nevertheless, the bottle's contents were poured into the goblet and Shizuka knew he must drink. Instinctively, he understood that the witch was here to make him forget all about his friend.

Part of him wanted to forget so badly, it would make the ache go away.

The other part of him rallied for remembrance and was determined to make things work.

Shizuka knew he was hurting his family this way, maybe just as bad as his friend was hurting. It might be okay to forget for now, Grampa seemed to think so. Hands shaking, he drank from the goblet. Each sip tasted different and the liquid shimmered every color of the rainbow. Drowsiness fell upon him, bit by bit, until he was too tired to keep drinking and the world around him became dark.

xxxXXXxxx

There once was a pot, scratched with a hundred different symbols.

There once was a delicate bowl, filled with water and reflected moonlight.

There once was a pair of urns, fabulously painted and kept shut tight.

There once was a sake bottle, discolored from poison.

There once was a teapot, tranquil despite the world around it.

xxxXXXxxx

When he awoke the next morning, the images of those vessels were burned in Shizuka's mind, and he didn't know why.

The rest of the family had guessed at Seito's reasons for calling the witch and were initially relieved at the results. Healthy once more, though still tiring easy, Shizuka returned to school and seemed to be happy, if not energetic. He recalled nothing of his friend, save for a nagging feeling of unfinished business. His parents were a bit dismayed that he never quite returned to his formally optimistic and more talkative self, but felt anything was an improvement over those weeks silence and dejection. Seito wanted to think that the personality changes represented a spell poorly done. Deep down, he and Kazuko both knew that another piece of Shizuka's childhood had been taken away from him.

July

After finishing his bowl of cold noodles, Shizuka was more than ready to leave the table and go out to the garden to just think for a while. But when Souya clapped a hand on his shoulder and refilled his iced tea glass, he knew it wasn't to be. And his mother had a look in her eyes that meant Serious Family Talk.

"I see that teacher sent a note home," Youka began. "She says you're not helping with the class Tanbata project."

He wasn't sure what to say. Last year, he had no problem decorating the little bamboo trees with origami animals and papers of wishes. But something gnawed at him this afternoon, a tendril of rebellion that knotted and grew. In a distracted manner, he folded the traditional adornments until Ms Tanaka instructed him to write down his wish and hang it on the tree. He remembered quite clearly, the simultaneously sour and chill feeling in his gut, as he refused her in no uncertain terms.

"Why won't you make a wish, Shizuka?"

"I don't wish, I do."

Ms Tanaka hadn't understood him at all and pleaded with him for five minutes before flouncing back to her desk. Even Shizuka was surprised by his newfound disgust for wishes and silly promises. Something in him was fiercely determined to shape his own destiny, any help whatsoever. Including wishes.

"Shizuka?"

"I didn't like the project," he finally mumbled.

"Sometimes in life, we have to do things we don't like," Souya said kindly.

"You're more pure than most," commented Kazuko, handing him some freshly sliced cold watermelon. "You only want to do things that you believe in. Other people will veil their true feelings and fulfill the social niceties expected of them, but you don't care to. This world doesn't always deal kindly with that."

Seito snorted in agreement, and continued reading the evening paper.

"Maybe we can forget about this note, if you can try harder to get along better in school," Youka ruffled her son's hair. "Next time you have a difficult time with an assignment, you can talk to us or teacher before it gets out of hand, okay?"

"Okay."

"Did you think about what you want to do over summer break yet?"

"Not yet."

Which wasn't entirely true. Shizuka had a feeling that there was something important he ought to be doing this summer. And if he couldn't do that important thing, which he frustratingly couldn't remember,, he should be trying to do something meaningful with his time. A few nights later, an odd notion struck him as Youka was tucking him in.

"Mama?"

"Yes, dear?"

"I know what I want to do this summer."

"What's that, sweetie?"

"I wanna start learning kyuudou."

Youka smiled at her young son's earnest demeanor. For the first time since him illness, Shizuka seemed to radiate hope and determination

"We'll start looking for a dojo tomorrow morning."

THE END

Notes:

Mount Koya

One of the seats of Japanese Buddhism and esotericism. Well known for its master-student secret teachings that are thought to have been taught unbroken for centuries. Founded by the master monk Kukai, though in Japan he is better known by his posthumous name of Koubou Daishi.

Monk Names

Like Christian monks and nuns, Buddhist monks and nuns take on new names once they take their vows. The latter system is still a mystery to me (my Buddhist studies teacher would be so ashamed of me), so I used 'Koun' since it is not an uncommon component of Japanese Buddhist names. Although as a monk-in-training Seito would have a different name, I have Koun use his given name to emphasize that he does not see Seito as content in a monastery and to imply a familial affection.

Temple v. Shrine

Now I will confess to being a very lazy East Asian Studies student, I honestly cannot remember for the life of me whether the Doumeki family live in a temple or a shrine. And every time I think of going through all my Japanese Xxxholic manga just to find the reference that will set me straight, I bail out. I however am cheating and will blithely assume that they live in a Buddhist temple complex with a Shinto shrine somewhere on the grounds. Such arrangements are not uncommon in Japan, but it has bothered me that I never made it clear in my stories whether it was a temple or shrine.

Tanbata

Popular festival & folk holiday generally celebrated on July 7th or August 8th. Also known as "Star Festival" it celebrates the myth of the literally star-crossed lovers, the Weaver Goddess and the Cowherd. It's traditional to decorate bamboo stalks with paper decorations as well as strips of paper expressing one's wishes. Young school children often do Tanbata projects in class, even if their families don't celebrate at home.

Kyuudou

Traditional Japanese archery that Doumeki practices in the manga. We've yet to be given a canonical time or reason for Shizuka's first learning archery, so I thought this would be a nice way to tie back into canon.

Other Notes:

As you can see from the time between updates, this has been a difficult chapter to get done. Last year, I transferred universities and was juggling my time between school and a part-time job. So much has happened in the manga series since I last wrote and I'm really excited to see where Clamp will take the story next. Even though all fanfiction is by definition outside of canon, I hope that I have contributed a little bit to your enjoyment of the series and the fandom.

I have more plans for this continuity, delving not only into the five major past lives of Doumeki and Watanuki, but the consequences of their strangely entwined fates. The storyline was originally born of musings that there might be a karmic dynamic to the boys' relationship in the manga. Clamp series such as RG Veda, Tsubasa, Cardcaptor Sakura, and Wish all contain overt past-life/other life/karmic connections between characters. It can be argued that many of their other series at the very least allude to such connections, even if not explicitly stated. X, Tokyo Babylon, and Gohou Drug come to mind, especially since the latter two seem to be the biggest influences on Xxxholic. A lot of fans find reincarnation fics boring and clichéd, which worried me while writing this. But I found that once the idea took hold, I really did want to write it.

A great big thank you to everyone who has been reading so far. I didn't originally write the story to get attention or praise, but every review and comment really has motivated me to see the project through to the end. I'm hoping to stick through to the end arc without another major hiatus and I hope everyone who's liked the story so far will enjoy the rest of what's to come.

What's next?

- One or two pre-series one-shots, including the boys "first" meeting

- The five part story detailing five significant past lives of Doumeki & Watanuki

- The present-day storyline, which will include some consequences of reincarnating mortals who have immortal enemies, outlined to consist of three chapters

Informal poll time!

Which of the three would you like to see first?

Concerning the last two: would you prefer me to write the stories simultaneously and post them in parts or shall I focus on one story before moving on to the next?