Disclaimer: This is meant in no way to offend anybody. I'm not profiting from it and, I shouldn't even HAVE to say this, but I don't own Harry Potter.
Dramatic Female voice: The world is changed; I feel it in the water, I feel it in the earth, I smell it in the air.
Harry: Sorry, that was me.
Hermione: Ewwwww.
Crowd: backs away
Director: Alright, cut.
!
Random person: 3……..2……..1………..ACTION!!
Once upon a time in a land far, far away lived a young Wibbit-
Small boy: What's that?
Author: Wibbit- the combination of a wizard and a hobbit.
Michael Jackson: Hey, kid, you want some candy.
Small boy: Yay! A jolly rancher (lifts it to mouth)
Author: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Small boy: (pauses)
Author: You have to unwrap it first silly.
Michael Jackson: (bounces up and down clapping hands and giggling girlishly) Hee hee hee, Yay!!
Author: Anyway (dramatic voice) Once upon a time in a land far, far away lived a young Wibbit by the-
Small boy: (faints)
Author: What now?
Michael Jackson: Mwa ha ha ha ha, it's okay, I'll take care of him.
Author: (looks at him strangely before shrugging and continuing on with the story)
Lived a young Wibbit by the name of Frarry Batter.
Frarry Batter was a normal Wibbit that lived in The Shittle Whingre in a round house in a hill reminiscent of Tellietubbie land on Number 4, Privet drive in Middle Engthland. Unknown to him his parents were killed when he was a baby by Sauran, Protected by his mothers love he 'defeated' the lord by…..stealing his magical ring. The spell turned on Lord Voldemort and he…….didn't die either. Why? We don't know. Perhaps he doesn't hate babies enough to cast a proper killing curse, or could be perhaps that his shoes were too tight, it could be his head wasn't screwed on just right, but I think the most likely reason of all may have been that his heart was two sizes to small. You know, so, the spell missed it. But whatever the reason his heart or his shoes (or the really confusing plot of Lord of the Harry Potter and the fellowship of the sorcerors chamber of Azkaban goblets of the phoenix half blood deathly hollows of the ring) he ran in the forest hating that….Wibbit.
Frarry Batter: Wibbit……Wibbit good.
Gimlid the half giant dwarf: You're a Wibbit Harry!
(for plot devices I have combined Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, and Dudley into one entity we shall call FatUglyChunkyKow or for short F.U.C.K)
F.U.C.K: Don't take my bitch away from me!
Gimlid : Smack Smackity Smack keep yo pimp hand strong!!
Frarry: Yo, that was mad dawg.
Gimlid : As I was saying, you're a Wibbit Harry!
Frarry: Who's Harry?
Gimlid: Sorry, wrong movie.
Frarry: I can't be a Wibbit. I'm just Frarry, just Frarry.
Gimlid: Didn't you wonder where your parents learnt it all?
Frarry: Oh, are we on this line already?
Gimlid: I don't know. What book was this again?
Frarry: I don't know, I think it was all of them.
Fawkes: Flies in and hits Frarry in the head with a sword while Ring wraiths chase her followed by a giant snake.
Ram, Ferry, and Pepper: Fly in giant car and kidnap Frarry
……….You know what, this is getting WAAAAAAAYYYYY to confusing, let's all start over.
Once upon a time there lived an average teenage wizard who defeated an evil dark lord when he was one, whose life is a living a hell, and who will forever go down in history as the pompous annoying git who saved everybody with just a little help from EVERYBODY ELSE AROUND HIM!! He had two best friends…..yeah, you got that, TWO….a supermodel who got dumber with every movie Hermione and her obviously gay love interest who she obviously hated and just wanted to get the hell away so she could glomp onto Harry (please, we all see it), Ron. Harry had loads of enemies but his most formidable was a Blonde Slytherin, Draco Malfoy.
Harry Potter lived in a big mansion with his masochistic and slightly abusive husband Voldemort. And a group of demonic care bears. They were currently in a big chocolate factory given by the owner to a boy named Charlie getting marriage counseling by the former owner who had decided to persue his true passion…….but since it was illegal decided to be a marriage counselor instead.
Michael Jackson……..er…..I mean….Willy Wonka: And Harry how does that make you feel.
Harry: (moaning while MJ rubbed his back…I mean WW) Just great
WW: You know, have you guys ever considered spicing up your marriage. You know, maybe a kid or two.
VM: I don't know, I've never been much of a parental figure.
WW: What?!
Harry: that's what you were talking about right, having a kid?
WW: ………..In a manner of speaking.
Back at school
Ron: You ever notice how the setting for Hogwarts changes in each movie?
Hermione: (giggle) I hate you so much (hair twirl)
Ron: What?!
Hermione: Nothing….(smile with hatred behind it) When's Harry getting here?
Ron: I don't know, he said he'd be here by now.
Hermione: IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT ( PMSsob) You've ruined EVERYTHING!!
Ron: Riiiiggghhhhtt…..this must be the fourth movie. (spots Cedric) (Waves and smiles) Wanna be a macho macho man…..
Hermione: (oblivious)
Draco: Weasley…..you're poor
Ron: (Sexual tension)
(A/N: Mmmmmmmm, love Measley (yes, that's my name for it, Dron sounds so….zzzzzzz))
Hermione: (drones) Malfoy, quite being mean to my future husband blah blah blah blah…….Harry should be here by now. I'm gonna go look for him (leaves)
Ron: Great, leave me alone with Malfoy.
Draco: I have more money than you……and I'm sexy
Ron: (growl)
Draco: (secretly thinks Ron's sexy when he's angry)
Ron: (starts walking away)
Draco's: Hey, Weasley, Weasley, guess what?
Ron: What Malfoy?
Draco: You're poor
Ron: (seeth)
Draco: Hey, Weasley, there's no one around us.
Ron: Yeah, So?
Draco: (jumps Ron then procedes to screw him)
(A/N: Yeah, put a little smut in there for you (snort))
Sirius: I am back from the dead
Bellatrix: Mwa ha ha ha ha ha
Sirius: ARRRGH (A/N: apparently Sirius, on top of being a convict and illegal animagus is also a pirate) (falls into a curtain……again)
Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! … (chases bellatrix)
Bellatrix: (Gives Harry cookie)
Harry: Sirius wouldn't want me to be upset about his death (eats cookie)
Sirius: (Struggles around in curtain) mwamph mumble mumble
Harry: What?
Sirius: (frees himself from curtain) No one said I was officially dead, it was more implied than anything
J.K. Rowling: (Hates Remus/Sirius slash, kills Sirius)
Fan Girls: (death glare)
J.K. Rowling: Dumbledores gay!!
Fan Girls: (temporarily stalled)
Author: Yeah but you killed Dumbledore (kills J.K. Rowling)
Hermione: (blonde)
Draco: (gay)
Ginny: (whore)
Ron: (gayer)
Harry: (angst)
Dumbledore: (dead)
Hagrid: (big)
Smurf: (blue)
Author: (running out of plot)
Audience: (wonders if there ever really was a plot to begin with)
Harry, Ron, and Hermione wondered around the school grounds….well, more like hiked cause it was all mountainy and shit. Anyway, they hiked, fell, tripped, died around the school grounds doing whatever the hell it is people do when they're not watching TV and on the computer……I know, they breathed. They walked around breathing and…..talking….about…..important stuff, yeah, important stuff…..like TV and Computer.
Hermione: Did you guys watch The Hills last night. It was SOOOOO interesting. Spencer and Heidi broke up, then got together, then broke up, then fought, then had make up sex, then got together, then Spencer cheated on her, but she still loved him so she forgave him but than he accidentally scuffed one of her shoes so like she totally broke up with him but he so deserved it cause like shoes shouldn't be scuffed, they're only like used for walking around and stuff so like you should keep your shoes in good condition cause like people judge you if they don't look good, you know? But I only got to watch the first five minutes cause I had to go fluff my boobs.
Buckbeak: (flies out of nowhere and kills Hermione)
Harry: (makes love to a tree)
Ron: (still gay)
Smurf and Dobby: (get it on in the background)
Author: Hope you enjoyed the first chapter (can't say that with a straight face) Ha ha ha ha ha ha…oh…just review the damn story.