I don't own South Park - it's owned by the very talented Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
The Contest
by cell12
Chapter 3
"You can't be seriously wanting to enter that contest Cartman," Kyle was nervous. Had Cartman found out that he was gay? Was Cartman setting up some elaborate scheme to mess with him?
"Why, the hell, not?" The fat boy asked.
"Well firstly, you're not gay," Kyle said.
"I can fake it," Cartman fired back.
"Secondly you're not in a couple," Kyle paused after answering. He had finally noticed the predatory look the Fat-ass was giving him, "No Cartman," he said, "I won't help you defraud the organisers of an innocent competition."
"But Kahl, think about the money. Jews love money - they'll do anything too get it," Cartman said with sincerity.
Kyle seethed, "I'm not so desperate for money that I would lower myself in public by pretending to date you."
"And what's so bad about me Kahl?" Cartman sounded indignant.
"Other than the fact that you're a fat socio-path who has spent his whole life trying to make me miserable?"
"Kahl, Kahl you know that you're to blame for all the hate and arguments between us."
"What!" Kyle could barely believe what the fat-ass had just said.
"And despite all that - and the fact that you're Jewish," Cartman smiled as he continued, "I'm willing to put everything aside to work with you."
"I'm sick of your insulting stereotypes," Kyle clenched his fists, "I'm not the one who's wanting to defraud a contest."
"The money could pay for us to go to college," Cartman tried to convince.
"I don't need it Fat-ass," Kyle sounded confident, "I'm smart enough to get a scholarship."
"But what about me?" Cartman asked. "This is my only chance to go to college. Unlike you, I don't have scholarships lined up or a rich daddy to pay for everything."
Kyle looked at the Fat-ass with contempt, "I don't give a shit about you Cartman. Get a job and work your way through college."
Cartman quietly murmured an insult under his breath, "I wasn't going to bring this up - I thought that you would be willing to help a friend - but what about Stan and Kenneh?"
"Eh?" Kyle was taken off guard by the question.
"Stan was counting on a football scholarship to go to college and you know what happened," Cartman was staring Kyle down.
Kyle knew that his best friend had been having an awful run of bad luck. First his shoulder accident, then all the trouble with his sister. His parents were pretty much up to their eyeballs in debt paying off the medical bills for Stan and the legal bills from Shelly.
"And Kenneh had no chance of going to college unless we help him," Cartman continued.
Cartman was right again. Kenny was bright but the combination of him taking time off school, to work two jobs, and his poor background meant that college hadn't ever been an option for him.
"Kenny's OK with not going to college," Kyle said - not believing the answer himself.
Cartman looked at Kyle with disgust, "Kenneh is resigned to not going to college. If he had a chance, I know he would jump at it."
"So why don't you enter the contest with Kenny or Stan?"
Cartman shook his head, "The organisers do a background check on all the contestants. They'd soon find out that Kenneh and Stan aren't ghay."
"And I am," Kyle was worried, did Cartman know his secret?
"You've never really dated anyone Kahl," Cartman grinned, "so it won't be hard for everyone to believe that you're ghay."
Kyle couldn't help but see the sick logic in what Cartman was saying, "So how does you getting money help Kenny and Stan?" Kyle knew how selfish the Fat-ass was.
"As well as the money, the prize also includes a five year lease on a two bed apartment in Denver," Cartman also added, 'and a luxury car,' in his head.
"Go on," Kyle was being sucked in despite himself.
"If you use your share of the money to pay their college fees, Stan and Kenneh could get part-time jobs to cover their living expenses. It wouldn't take much with no rent to pay."
"And what about your share of the money Fat-ass?" Kyle asked.
"I would have my own college fees to pay," Cartman sounded indignant.
"And the rest?" Kyle pressed.
"There are a lot of other expenses that come with living on your own, Kahl," Cartman held out his chubby hand and started counting off with his fingers - mocking the way Kyle had done the same earlier, "furniture, utility bills, transport, medical insurance - it all adds up."
"And you'll use your share of the money to pay for all of those," Kyle's voice sounded distrusting, "you never do anything for anyone but yourself."
"I know that you're looking forward to college Kahl," Cartman stared at him, "but how would it really feel knowing that your three friends are missing out? Wouldn't it be better if you could share the experience with your closest friends. It would be like having a sleepover every night."
Cartman's sleepover comparison was stupid but everything else he'd said made a lot of sense. "Even if I agreed to this Fat-ass," Kyle couldn't believe that he was even considering the idea, "the chances of winning are so small. Is it worth humiliating ourselves for such small odds?"
"The odds aren't that small," Cartman finally removed the contents of the envelope he was clutching, "I've already taken the liberty of entering us in the contest and we're past the pre-selection round."
"What!"
"There was no point in even asking you if we didn't make it through to the televised stages," Cartman shrugged, "since we have, I think that we're in with a good chance."
Despite himself, Kyle was being sucked into Cartman's scheme, "What would you have done if I'd refused outright?"
"If I couldn't convince you, I guess I would have had to phone the contest people and tell them that we broke up."
Kyle hated the fact that Cartman had everything worked out, it was so arrogant and smug of him.
"Fine," Kyle hated that he was giving in, but Cartman was right - this was a way he could help his friends, "but I'm doing this for Stan and Kenny, not you."
"Yes," Cartman reached out towards Kyle for a second before remembering that he was a filthy daywalker and a Jew, 'Fuck I almost hugged him,' he thought.