Chapter 3
After everything was set up the next morning I was almost finished packing my bags when my mom came into my room.
"You ready?" she asked.
"I think so," I said and grabbed three bags while my mom grabbed the other three. Once I got to the airport I said goodbye to my mother and headed to the flight area. I sat in my chair looking at my phone and deleting the pictures that would remind me of so many bad memories from my past, the past I didn't want to bring to California. I came across one of me and Mason kissing from junior year and left that one on the phone. They started calling everyone to board the plane and I went into the line. I was handing my ticket to the flight attendant when I heard my name being called. I turned and saw Mason running towards me.
"Excuse me," I said to the ticket taker and stepped out of line.
"Rachel, don't run away from your problems please," he said out of breath. I rolled my eyes and looked away.
"Mason I am the problem. Just let me go," I whispered.
"I never forgot about you and I never will," he said sweetly and put the necklace in my hand and smiled. I turned my head and looked away.
"I don't want it Mason," I told him crying, "give it to someone you love. Goodbye," I said and kissed him one last time on the lips. I turned away and he said, "That's why I'm giving it to you. Rachel I love you okay, I want to be with you." He said. I couldn't believe it and I didn't.
"You decide to tell me now," I said half angry.
"I wasn't drunk the night we kissed, you were but I wasn't," he said half laughing. I looked at him and couldn't believe it.
"So this whole time when I have been pouring out my feelings to you, you were feeling the same but couldn't say it," I asked him crying.
"Don't look at it that way. I am with Sophie and I couldn't say it," he said.
"That's the point Mason, you're with Sophie," I said as I exaggerated on the with. I turned around to leave him standing there and boarded the plane hoping to never come back.
Once the plane landed at its destination I was surprised to be in the same spot that I left five years ago. Now 22 and back in my hometown 4 years later, it seems strange and uncomfortable. I haven't seen or spoken to anyone other than my mother for four years and coming back wasn't
my idea. The way I left things was immature and I don't want to face the people I hurt, especially Mason. The reason I'm back is for two reasons. I graduated from college and my mother wasn't able to make it so I had to come home, which wasn't my idea. It's nice to take a break for awhile since school was all I ever did. I went to school to be a psychologist and finished in four years, due to summer classes and it was worth it. I got a taxi and took it back to my home. I walked in the door and put my stuff in my old room which hadn't changed since I left. My mother wasn't home because she had to work, so I was free for about two hours. I sat on my bed and decided to go see my dad. I went to the grocery store and brought flowers for the grave. I got out of the car and grabbed the flowers and placed them in front of his grave and stood there for a little while before I heard someone coming. I turned and saw Mason coming towards me and he stopped when he caught my face.
"Mason," I smiled and walked towards him and tried to give him a hug but he stepped back and walked away. I stood there shocked and said, "Please don't walk away." He kept walking and said aloud, "You taught me how."
I shook my head in frustration and said, "We are not in high school anymore." He stopped and turned around and told me, "It all hurts just the same Rachel." I tried to say something but nothing came out and he got in his car and drove away. I stayed at the grave for about half an hour before I went back home. I headed up to my room and started unpacking.
"Rachel," I heard my mom yell. I went downstairs and gave her a hug and kiss.
"I'm so glad you're home," she said.
"Me too. I missed you mom."
"I missed you too. I know it's your first night back but we have a party to go to." She told me as we headed into the kitchen.
"Wait, you party?" I joked as I took a seat on the kitchen stool.
"Yes Rachel, I do have a life. The McCalaster's are having a BBQ for Mason's graduation from college." When I heard that my stomach dropped and said, "Mom, I'm really tired."
"Please! For me? Besides Mason will probably be thrilled to see you." I rolled my eyes and said under my breath, "I don't think thrilled is the right word."
"Just go get ready, but before, here," she said and handed me a card. I opened it and read it and found a check with 20,000 on it.
"Mom," I said as I held the check.
"Rachel, you deserve it. I'm so proud of you." She said.
"Thank you," I said and got off the stool and hugged her.
"I love you sweetheart."
"I love you too. So do we have to dress up for this thing?" I asked her.
She smiled and said, "Yes. We are also leaving in about an hour."
"Ok, well I'm going to shower then." She nodded her head and kissed my forehead before I went upstairs to get ready. I put on an olive color strapless dress and straightened my hair, put on jewelry and make-up and went downstairs where my mother was waiting.
"You ready," she asked going through her purse.
"Yeah," I replied.
"You look gorgeous," she told me.
"You look sexy yourself mom." She laughed and grabbed the keys. Driving to Mason's house seemed like it took forever. Knowing that he wasn't thrilled to see me the first time, I don't think the second time would be better. How was I to explain to him why I'm back? We pulled up to his parent's house and his mother greeted us. She gave me a hug and said, "I haven't seen you in four years and you look absolutely gorgeous."
"Thank you," I replied smiling.
"Congratulations also on UCLA and psychology," she explained.
"Thanks," I said again.
"So do you have a job lined up?"
"I'm hoping to open my own place, I just have to find a building," I told her.
"That's great. Everyone is in the back," she exclaimed. We followed her out and my mom got pulled away and I saw Mr. McCalaster by the grill. I went over and tapped him on the shoulder and he turned around and smiled when he saw me.
"Rachel," he said and took me in his arms.
"Hi," I said.
"You look amazing. I'm so glad you came back," he said.
"Me too," I lied.
"Congrats also," he said flipping some burgers.
"Thank you very much," I said.
"Hold on for a second, I have something in the house for you," he said and called Mason over to keep an eye on the grill. When he saw me his face went from a smile to a frown. He took the tongs from his father and flipped chicken while I stood there.
"So this is how it is going to be?" I asked him
"I have nothing to say to you Rachel," he said.
"But I do," I was saying before his dad came back and Mason left. He handed me a card and I opened it. Once I read it, I grabbed the check and it read 15,000.
"I can't accept this," I exclaimed and handed it back to him.
"No you can. Rachel you've been like a daughter me and Lacey never had. We love you like our own." He said. I smiled and thanked him. Once we were done eating Lacey and Jim went on to the deck so they could make a speech. They clanked their forks against their glasses to get everyone's attention.
Lacey and I just want to thank everyone for coming to celebrate our sons' graduation and we've actually put a slideshow together for him. So if you could all join us in the house we can get that started," Jim announced. Everyone made their way inside the house and I went to get a drink. Once I got in the house I stood in the doorway and saw Mason in the other one. He turned his head when he saw me looking. The slideshow started and the song was "Because you loved me" cam on followed by pictures of him as a baby. They changed to the two of us and our parents. Both of us had our dads uniforms on and our dads behind us and I had to look away. It soon turned to pictures of us in high school. Then there was a picture of him and Nate at UCLA which surprised me because it was in the stadium where I played volleyball for UCLA. I looked over at him and he ws looking at me with a straight face. I couldn't take this anymore and left. I was out the front door and sat on the bench when I felt a jacket being put around me and looked up to see Mason.
"Why didn't you tell me you came to UCLA," I asked as he took a seat next to me.
"I wanted to surprise you. It was your 21st birthday. You did so well in that game. I waited in the bleachers for everyone to leave so I could talk to you and I saw you, you came back on the court when everyone left and so I called you. You took the phone out of your purse and ignored it. I tried Rachel but that night it seemed like you gave up on me and I then gave up on you." Tears were forming and I said, "Why didn't you leave a message?"
"Because I shouldn't have too."
"The reason I didn't answer the phone was because I was scared. Leaving you and everything behind was the hardest thing I had to ever do. You meant so much to me that being at UCLA I thought I could forget you but I never did and the thought of hearing your voice would just make it harder. I missed you everyday, everyday." He grabbed my shoulder and pulled me in a hug and I took my hands and wrapped them around him. Just touching him made me feel safe again.
"Why did you come back Rachel," he asked and wiped the tears from my eyes away.
"For the past four years I've been missing something and I've tried to fill that hole with friends and volleyball but it's never been filled. I have everything Mason, a good career, money, popularity from volleyball but none of those things make me happy. I can't remember a time where I felt like I mattered." I said.
"I told you I loved you Rachel before you left, did that not matter?" he said.
"Of course it mattered Mason, but you were still with her." I told him.
"Rachel, are you ready to go," my mother said from the doorstep as she said goodbye to Mason's parents.
"Yeah," I said getting up and handing Mason's jacket to him. After I said goodbye to everyone, we drove home.
"So it seemed like you and Mason got along pretty well," she said turning on to our street.
"Yeah, it was nice to catch up," I told her.
"Did you tell him?" she asked.
"No," I said as I looked out the window.
"Rachel, you need to tell him."
"I know. I just don't want him looking at me differently." I said.
"He wouldn't," she tried to help.
"It's hard mom," I said frustrated.
"I know that but he has the right to know," she said as we pulled into our drive way.
"And I will tell him when the time is right," I said angry and got out of the car. I was dreading telling him. When you're 22 and diagnosed with breast cancer you try to find ways to stay off the subject. This would be another reason why I'm back, to start remission and try to fix this but you have a fifty chance that it won't work and that's why I don't talk about it. Hearing that I have a fifty percent chance of living the rest of my life isn't something one could take well, I don't think
anyone could. How do you tell someone you are dying? It's not really a conversation starter or something you bring up during dinner. It's a life changing experience that I'm scared to go through with. I headed up to my room and changed. I was brushing my teeth when my computer says, "You've got mail." I finished up and sat at my desk. I open the email and it's from my doctor reminding me that I have my appointment tomorrow morning. I deleted it and went to bed; I didn't want to think of it because it would mean I would have to face it.
I couldn't sleep a wink last night and when morning came I got up, dressed, and headed downstairs. My mother was sitting and reading the newspaper before she went to work.
"Are you sure you don't want me to come," she asked as I poured myself a cup of coffee.
"Yes, I'll be fine," I assured her and sat next to her.
"Call me when you find out everything," she said and put her dishes in the sink. I nodded my head and looked at the business section of the paper. I glanced upon a section of a building that would be perfect for my business.
"I'll see you tonight," she said as kissed the top of my head and left. I made my way down the hall to my doctor's office and took a seat in one of the two seats in there.
"Rachel Bell?" he said. I stood up to face him and shook hands with him.
"Yes, I'm Rachel," I said.
"I'm Doctor Chase Sage and I will be going through the process of chemo with you," he said and took a seat which I did also. Once we finished talking about starting chemo on Monday. I would give myself shots everyday instead of coming in to get them for one whole month. If it worked we would stop and if it didn't we would talk hen the time comes. When I first heard of the side effects I wasn't thrilled about losing my hair, my appetite, and myself, but if that works then that was nothing. The meeting finally came to a close and I said goodbye. I called my mom first thing and hung up once I was out of the building. I was walking out the door when I ran into someone.
"You okay?" he said as I picked up my purse.
"Yeah, sorry I wasn't watching were I was going," I let out a chuckle as I looked up to see Mason.
"Hi," I said embarrassed.
"Hi," he smiled.
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
"Well, I was supposed to go to lunch with my friend Tyler but he bailed so I was heading back to my work," he said. "And you?" he asked.
"Oh I was umm was seeing if the hospital had any openings," I lied.
"You're staying," he asked.
"For right now," I said.
"That's great," he choked out.
"You don't seem too happy," I said.
"I am," he said but I didn't believe him. I walked to where my car was parked and he said, "Rachel." I stopped and turned around. "Go out to dinner with me tonight, so we can talk."
"About what?" I asked.
"Everything," he said. I stood and thought about it for a few seconds before I agreed.
"I'll pick you up at 7:30," he said and walked away. I smiled and got in my car to head home. I sat in the house not doing anything at all except trying to find something to wear for tonight. The time went by slowly but I put on a black halter dress curled my hair and was ready when the clock hit 7:32. My mother yelled up to me as I was in my closet getting my purse, "Rachel, Mason is here."
"I'll be right down," I said as I put stuff from one purse to another. I took one more look at myself and opened the door. I made my way downstairs and saw Mason in black slacks and a blue shirt with a tie.
"You look great," he said reaching out his hand for mine. I grabbed it and replied, "Thank you. You look nice yourself." W drove to the restaurant out on the pier and ordered dinner.
"So did you have any boyfriends back in UCLA?" he asked.
"No, just really good friends." I shook my head with a smirk. "What about you and Sophie?"
"We lost each other when college came."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm not," he said drinking his wine. "What happened?"
"To what," I asked him confused.
"To us."
"Mason, you were with Sophie. There was never an us, so how am I supposed to answer that question?" I asked frustrated. I didn't want him to bring it up.
"I still can't believe you left," he said seeming angry.
"Why does it matter Mason, it was so long ago?"
"Because it does!" he said.
"Mason you knew the situation I was in," I said aggravated.
"Yes I know because I was in the same situation as you were," he whispered loudly.
"But I did something about it for you. When will you understand that?" I asked him almost crying.
"Never, because you know you did it for yourself," he answered.
"Right, I had sex with Nate so he wouldn't ruin what you and Sophie had. I loved you Mason and to make you happy I did something I told myself I would never do unless it was with someone I loved. So don't you EVER say I did it for myself." I said crying.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring up the past. It's just hard with you here." He said rubbing his eyes.
"Why?"
"Because it was hard to let you go the first time. When you walked on that plane it felt like you took my heart with you. I meant everything I said before you left. I still love you Rachel. When I saw you at your dad's grave, I was angry with you because of the way you left and seeing your face makes it so hard. I always wanted to be with you but I wasn't listening to my heart and it made me lose you. I don't want to lose you again," he said sincerely.
"I promise you won't lose me," I whispered with a tear running down my face. Our food arrived shortly after and when we finished we took a walk on the pier and sat on a bench.
"So why'd you quit volleyball?"
"I didn't love it anymore, my heart just wasn't in it," I said as I swung my legs over his.
"Where was your heart?" he asked running his hands over my legs.
"Where I left it four years ago," I said as I kissed him.
"You now how long I've waited for you," he said taking a breath.
"I'd say four years," I laughed. We sat on the bench for hours just talking before he drove me home. The rest of the weekend went by fast and on Monday I woke up at 9:30. It was my first day of chemo and I took my first shot. It was nice knowing that I could do chemo at home but I knew the side effects would be bad. I took a shower and got ready for the day and decided to go to the kitchen to make something for lunch. I was going downstairs when I felt dizzy and almost fell before I reached for the table which held me up. I fell to my knees and got up to rush to the bathroom. I seemed to be next to the toilet making my stomach empty for a mere twenty minutes. I stood up and brushed my teeth and made my way to the hallway again. I held onto the table, when there was a knock on my door and I said, "Come in." I looked over to see Mason walk in with a bag in his hand.
"Hey you," he said shutting the door, while I tried to stand straight and look normal.
"Hi," I exhaled.
"Are you ok?" he asked setting the bag down and came to hug me.
"No, I'm ok," I said hugging him back.
"Well I thought I would bring over lunch," he said grabbing the bag and heading to the kitchen holding my hand. He set it on the table and took out pasta and salad. We sat on the stools and I played with his hair while he ate.
"You not hungry?" he asked me. I started crying and he held me. "Rachel, what's wrong?"
"Just hold me please, I just need you," I said not wanting to cry in front of him.
"I will," he said holding me tighter. After I calmed down we went up to lie in my bed. We were looking at each other when he said, "I want to know everything that happened to you in the past 4 years other than what I know."
"There's nothing to know, I was never myself there," I told him and played with his hand. He moved over me and started kissing my neck. I grabbed the back of his neck and ran my hands through his hair. He moved his way up to my lips and I kissed him back.
"Come with me?" he said.
"Where?" I breathed.
"Thursday I have a work party. Come with me so I can show you off," he smiled. I rolled my eyes and agreed. We started kissing again and my stomach was twisting and turning because how was I supposed to tell him I was sick?
"Did you date in college?" I asked him when he rolled over on his side.
"I did. I actually had two girlfriends. I stayed with one for about six months and the other for two years," he told me running his hand over my stomach.
"What happened?" I asked referring to the two year relationship.
"We both wanted different things." He said not looking at me. "But I should go. I need to get back to work." He said.
"Ok," I said.
"I'll call you tonight," he said.
"Sounds good," I said as he got up, "But you know what sounds better," I said grabbing his arms and pulled him down and stared kissing him. He put his hands under my shirt and started unbuttoning it. I unbuttoned his and he took it off. He tried to unhook my bra but his cell phone interrupted us.
"Don't answer it," I said kissing him.
"I have to," he said and pulled out his phone.
"McCalaster."
"I'm on my way."
"My client is early," he told me and grabbed his shirt.
"Let them wait," I whispered in his ear.
"I can't," he said before he kissed me one last time before he left. I went downstairs and into the kitchen when my appetite seemed to be back on track. I nuked the noodles and sat on the stool when my cell phone rang. It was my best friend Amy from California calling.
"Hello," I said.
"Rae, how have you been?"
"I'm ok, how's Cali?" I asked in between bites.
"Not the same without you. How's chemo?" she asked quietly.
"I just started today and got sick but the doctor says that is usual." I explained.
"Oh Hun, I miss you and I'm praying for you."
"Thanks," I said and cleaned up the mess that was in the kitchen.
"So to get off this horrible subject, have you run into Mason yet?" she asked flirtatiously.
"Yeah the first day I was here," I laughed.
"How'd it go?"
"Bad, but its good now. He actually just left."
"Wow…. Oh gross, umm, I'm going to," she started rushing.
"Amy no, it didn't get that far, we were interrupted by a call." I said.
"TMI," she laughed.
"How's Ryan?" I asked.
"He's amazing and that's the reason I'm kind of calling," she said seeming anxious. "He proposed Rae, we're getting married." I dropped the glass I was holding and it shattered on the floor and I said, "Oh my gosh."
"I know," she shrieked.
"Amy congratulations." I said happily.
"I want you to be my maid of honor."
"Really," I asked almost crying.
"Yeah, I do."
"I would be honored," I said through tears. "When is it?"
"We're having it at the end of this month," she said.
"In two weeks?" I asked shocked.
"Yeah. I know it's really early but that's the only time that worked and we wanted to have it in California before we move to Florida." She said.
"Okay, yeah that would probably be the best." I laughed.
"Well, I need to go, but I will call you sometime this week with all the details and everything," she said.
"Sounds good, tell Ryan congratulations and I love you," I said.
"I will and love you too. Bye." She said and hung up the phone.