Chapter 3
In Which Jack Discovers Some Mushrooms and
We Discover What Jacks Like Best
Ianto woke up suddenly in the middle of the night and listened. He got up, lit his candle, stumped across to his hunny cupboard and checked to see if anybody was trying and to get in, and they weren't so he stumped back again, blew out his candle and went to bed.
Then he heard the noise again.
"Is that you Owen?" he said.
But it wasn't.
"Come in Tosh," he said sleepily.
But she didn't.
"Tell me about it tomorrow Gwen," he yawned.
But the noise went on.
"Warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra," said Whatever It Was.
Ianto suddenly found that he wasn't sleepy anymore.
He got out of bed and stumped warily to the door.
"What can it be?" he thought. "I'm getting used to these foresty noises and this isn't one I've heard before. It's not a purr or a bark or a growl. It's an I've-Never-Heard-This-Noise Before noise and I don't like it one bit! Oh, I wish Jack was here with his Webley!"
Ianto thought a bit more. "Well, whatever it is it's not stopping making a noise, so I had better see if I can get it to stop. Whatever it is."
So Ianto cautiously opened the door, and holding his broom very tightly just in case, took a deep breath and called out-
"OI! QUIT IT YOU BASTARD ANIMAL OR I'LL TAKE THIS BROOM TO YOU SEE IF I DON'T! I MEAN IT!" He shook his broom threateningly.
The Whatever-it-Was stopped its noise.
"Hallo?" called out Ianto nervously.
"Hallo!" answered the Whatever-it-Was happily.
"Oh!" said Ianto. "Hallo!"
"Hallo!"
"Where are you?" asked Ianto, peering into the dark and clutching his broom tightly.
"Here I am!" said the Whatever-it-Was bouncing happily up to Ianto & knocking him to the floor.
"SIR! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING MAKING WEIRD NOISES OUTSIDE MY DOOR AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT. YOU SCARED ME HALF TO DEATH!"
"Sorry," laughed Jack, "but you weren't waking up when I knocked. I had to get your attention somehow! And Jacks like making loud noises in the middle of the night."
"Well, you might as well come in then," grumped Ianto. "Would you like some breakfast? What do you feel like?"
"I don't know," mused Jack. "What do Jacks like to eat?"
"How should I know?" asked Ianto, looking at Jack rather oddly. "Have you hit your head recently?"
"Not that I know of. Why do you ask?"
"Nothing," said Ianto hastily. "Well, I'll just see what I have then."
Ianto started to look in his cupboards for breakfast while Jack began talking about the very Grand Adventure he had had that day. Ianto was still very tired so he sat down while Jack kept rambling on an on about how very brave he had been and how Jacks are expert Heffalump wranglers and so on. Next thing he knew he woke up at his kitchen table with his face stuck to his placemat. Jack was just finishing up his story.
"Very interesting, Sir," said Ianto yawing. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Ianto went to open it and there was Owen looking quite Put Out.
"Morning Teaboy, have you seen Jack?"
"He's in here. He's acting a bit odd."
"I noticed. I was giving him an exam when he wandered off. I've been looking for him everywhere, should have known he'd end up here at some point."
"Want some breakfast?"
"Yeah, alright."
Ianto went to his cupboards to find some breakfast while Owen pulled out his medical scanner. Ianto was just about to ask if Jacks liked bread and hunny when he noticed Jack standing in front of his looking glass.
"Jack?"
"Hallo Ianto! I've found somebody just like me! I thought I was the only one of them. And he's almost as good looking!"
Ianto looked worriedly at Jack. "Jack, that's my looking glass! "Are you sure you're quite alright?"
"He's having some sort of episode," said Owen trying to scan Jack with his scanner.
"Define "not alright," said Jack.
Owen started explaining the signs of Not Being Alright, and how one can tell if they have Gone Off the Deep End. He had just got to a particularly interesting bit when Jack said, "Excuse me a moment Ianto but there's something climbing up your table leg," and with a loud "Warra-warra-warra-warra-warra!" he pulled out his Webley and shot at the table a few times. He then leapt at the end of the tablecloth, pulled it to the ground and wrapped himself up in it several times before untangling himself, then jumping up and down and stomping on it for good measure.
"Got the bugger! You can thank me now if you like. Jacks usually prefer kisses. I think."
"Jack that's my tablecloth!"
"What the bloody hell is up with you Harkness?"
"Hey, it was crawling up Ianto's table! It could have been extremely dangerous! You're just lucky I was here to look after you!"
"It goes on the table and you put things on it! It's not dangerous sir!"
"Then how come it was trying to bite me?"
"I don't think it did sir."
"It tried," said Jack, "but I was too quick for it!"
He thought for a moment and then said, "Want me to try biting you? I could wrestle you to the ground?" he added hopefully.
Ianto just looked at Owen helplessly.
"What's wrong with him?" he asked worriedly.
"I'm not entirely sure," said Owen, "but I think Jack may have eaten some mushrooms that he definitely should not have."
"Jacks don't like mushrooms," said Jack firmly.
"He's having some sort of hallucinatory experience and he seems to have some slight amnesia as well. I'll have to find what he's been eating to know for sure."
"The Hundred Acre Woods has hallucinogenic mushrooms?" asked Ianto doubtfully.
"It would explain a lot! Like why there are talking, singing, annoyingly happy, poetry reciting animals for a start!" huffed Owen. "Besides, I don't have any better ideas right now. Look, can you keep an eye on him for a little while and I'll see if I can figure out an antidote for him?"
Ianto looked doubtfully at Jack who was now having a cheerful argument with his coat rack and insisting that it's name was Janet and that it didn't look at all like a Barbara.
"I suppose so…"
"Good man," said Owen clapping him on the back. "I won't be long, I'll get Tosh to give me a hand. Just make sure he doesn't do anything stupid!"
And with that Owen dashed off, leaving Ianto with a Very Big Problem.
"Breakfast is ready Jack!" he called and Jack bounced eagerly over to the table and immediately took a big bite of bread and honey. It was fascinating to watch. First Jack looked at the ceiling with his head tilted to one side, chewing, and making exploring noises with his tongue and considering noises and what-have-we-got-here noises and then he said in a very decided voice:
"Jacks don't like honey."
"Don't they?" asked Ianto. "I thought they liked everything."
"Everything except honey. And tablecloths. And naughty coat racks who insist they are called Barbara when they so obviously look like a Janet."
"Riiiight," said Ianto slowly. "We'll just have to find you something else for your breakfast."
Ianto thought a moment. Owen had deserted him but he could probably get Gwen to help him out. Gwen needed no excuse to spend time with Jack. Rather like Ianto.
"I know we'll see what Gwen has to eat. I'm sure she'll have something you'll like."
"Do Jacks like Gwens?"
Ianto declined to answer instead saying a little too cheerfully, "Off we go then!"
So Jack and Ianto made their way to Gwen's house. On the way Ianto tried to explain to Jack that Gwens' were very nervous and did not like bouncy Jacks and that when he met her he had better not be too bouncy at first. And Jack, who had been hiding behind trees and jumping out and waving his Webley at Iantos shadow when it wasn't looking explained that Jacks were only bouncy before breakfast but once they had had some they became Quiet and Refined.
Soon they came to Gwens house and Ianto knocked on her door while Jack bounced impatiently on his feet beside him.
"Hallo Ianto," said Gwen. "Hallo Jack!" she said with a bit more enthusiasm for Ianto's taste. "What a lovely surprise! Do come in."
"I'm Jack," said Jack.
"I know," said Gwen, smiling at him.
"Have you ever met a Jack before?" asked Jack. "I'm told I'm one of a kind!"
"Ummmm," said Gwen uncertainly.
"Owen thinks he might have eaten special mushrooms," whispered Ianto. "We're supposed to keep him out of trouble until Owen and Tosh find a cure."
"Oh!" said Gwen. "I'm sure I can manage that!"
"We," said Ianto.
"What?"
"We can manage that."
"Of course, that's what I meant," said Gwen, smiling a little too sweetly. Jack was looking at them interestedly.
"I'm very pleased to meet you Jack. Let's find you some breakfast shall we? What would you like?"
"I'm not sure," said Jack thoughtfully. "I know that Jacks don't like honey. Or tablecloths. But I'm sure we like everything else."
"Okaaaaay," said Gwen a little more uncertainly now. She went to her kitchen cupboards. "Let's see what we have shall we?"
She pulled out some cereal. "Let's try some cereal."
"Oh good!" said Jack, "Cereal really is what Jacks like best!"
"Where did you find cereal?" asked Ianto.
Gwen poured Jack a generous bowl of cereal and added some milk. Ianto was just wondering where Gwen was able to get cereal and milk from when he couldn't even find a decent cup of coffee, when Jack grabbed a spoon and took a very large mouthful of cereal. Gwen and Ianto watched while Jack made some very loud munching noises. Then he got a funny look on his face and said: "Ee-ioers-u-a-i-ors."
And when Ianto and Gwen said "What?" he said "Skoos ee," and hurried off outside.
When he came back he said firmly, "Jacks don't like cereal."
"Oh?" said Gwen, surprised. "I thought they liked everything except honey."
"And tablecloths," added Ianto.
"And cereal," said Jack. "Bother!"
"Don't worry," said Gwen, patting Jacks arm soothingly. "I've got plenty more things to try."
They tried eggs, bacon, pancakes, muffins, and waffles but Jack didn't like any of them. He was just about to tell Gwen that Jacks didn't like waffles even with maple syrup, strawberries and whipped cream when Gwen leaned over and said, "You've got whipped cream all over your mouth. Here let me help you with that."
Jack watched intently while Gwen very slowly wiped the whipped cream off of Jacks face and licked it off her fingers. Then he got an Idea. He leaned forward and kissed Gwen who leaned in quickly to the kiss with a very loud sigh. Ianto watched in dismay as Jack kissed her very thoroughly and made Considering Noises and What –Have-We-Here noises, while Gwen just made I'm-So-Happy-Jack-Is-Finally-Kissing-Me noises. Finally Jack stopped, leaned back and looked thoughtfully up at the ceiling while running his tongue around his mouth. Then he said, very decidedly, "Jacks don't like kissing Gwens."
"WHAT!" said Gwen getting a dangerous look in her eye while Ianto tried very hard to hide a big grin.
"They like Gwens," Jack explained, not at all sure why she had suddenly got Upset, "they just don't like kissing them."
"We'd better be off then!" said Ianto jumping up very quickly and trying to distract Gwen from grabbing the giant iron skillet she seemed to be inching towards and rushing Jack to the door. "Thanks for breakfast Gwen! I'll pop round and see you later shall I?" And with that he hurried Jack out the door.
"But I didn't get any breakfast!" wailed Jack. "I'm starving! And I still don't know what Jacks like to eat!"
"It's okay sir," soothed Ianto. "We'll go visit Tosh. She'll have something you'll like for sure."
Jack decided he quite liked being soothed by Ianto and happily followed him through the woods, only bouncing occasionally at a stray leaf or sunbeam. While they were walking Ianto was thinking over the situation and wondering what they would do if they couldn't find something that Jacks liked and if Tosh and Owen had gotten any closer to finding a cure when he thought of a little song. He hummed it quietly while Jack flung himself at an unsuspecting patch of daisies, jumping at them headfirst in an effort to subdue them.
"What shall we do about our poor Jack?
He's wasting away from the lack of a snack.
He doesn't like honey or cereal or Gwens
Because of the taste or because they're not men.
But whatever his size from a speck to a moat,
He always seems bigger because of his coat!"
Ianto hummed it to himself a few more times and wondered idly at the Sudden Inclination to poetry and songwriting that these woods seemed to be having on him. He was just wondering if he should look for a publisher when they came in site of Toshs house.
Tosh was outside with Owen and they both looked up when they heard Jack and Ianto. Actually they could hear Jack from quite a ways away as he was making that peculiar noise again.
"Hallo Tosh! Hallo Owen," called Ianto. "I've brought Jack to see you and to see if we can find him some breakfast."
"Of course Ianto," smiled Tosh. "I think we've nearly figured out what Jack ate. We'll soon have an antidote ready. Owen are you alright?"
Jack had bounced up to Owen and was now sitting on top of him while Owen was sprawled on the ground.
"Get off of me Harkness!"
"Sorry!" said Ianto, "He seems to be "extra friendly" right now. No sense of personal boundaries at all."
"And this is different than usual how?" groused Owen as he finally pushed Jack off of him and stood up, dusting dirt from his trousers.
"Good point," admitted Ianto.
"Jacks are friendly," explained Jack helpfully.
Owen just glared.
"And I'm still hungry!" complained Jack. Right then his stomach made a very loud grumbly sound. "See?"
"We can't seem to find something he likes to eat," explained Ianto. "We've tried honey, cereal, eggs, bacon, pancakes, muffins and waffles with maple syrup, strawberries and whipped cream but Jacks don't seem to like any of those things."
"And tablecloths," added Jack. "And Gwens. Well, we like Gwens, we just don't like kissing them very much."
Tosh and Owen just raised their eyebrows at Ianto.
"Jack tried kissing Gwen," he said. "And didn't' like it," he added with a slight cough.
"I bet she just loved that," said Tosh while Owen laughed loudly.
"Come on Jack. I'm sure I've got something you will like for breakfast," said Tosh.
"Good cause I'm starved!" said Jack bouncing after her.
Owen and Ianto and Jack followed Tosh into her kitchen. While she rummaged in her cupboards trying to find something Jacks liked to eat Owen grabbed a huge sandwich and took a big bite.
" What's that?" asked Jack.
"It's a sandwich," said Owen, still chewing. "It's my own special recipe. I call it the Owen Special."
Ianto was curious and was about to ask what exactly was in an Owen Special when Jack suddenly launched a surprise attack at Owens sandwich, managing to take a huge bite out of it before Owen could snatch it out of his reach.
"HEY! THAT'S MINE YOU TOSSER!" yelled Owen while Tosh and Ianto yelled, "JACK!" at the same time. But Jack was too busy chewing his stolen mouthful of sandwich to pay them any attention. They heard a loud CRUNCH and then Jacks face suddenly went an interesting shade of red and a sweat broke out on his forehead.
"HOT!" yelled Jack suddenly sticking out his tongue, and fanning at it with his hands and spewing bits of Owen Special all over Toshs kitchen.
"Jacks don't like Owen Specials!" cried Jack, who was now running round in circles with his tongue hanging out and muttering, "hot hot hot hot hot hot," under his breath.
"That's because they have jalapeños in them," laughed Owen.
"You put jalapenos in your sandwich?" asked Ianto, raising an eyebrow.
"Only in an Owen Special. It has capicola, salami, horseradish, jalapeno spread, lettuce, onions, banana peppers and olives."
Ianto made a face at the strange list of ingredients but decided it was not worth wondering about. Instead he began wondering where Tosh had found jalapenos and if he had been going to quite the wrong market lately.
Meanwhile Jack had calmed down enough to take the glass of water that Tosh had got for him and then said that 'Jacks definitely did not like water.' Tosh began serving him breakfasty things in the hope that they would find something Jack would want to eat.
They tried sausages, muesli, oatmeal with brown sugar, crepes with fruit compote, hash-browns, porridge, crumpets, jam, frittata, Quiche Lorraine, Egg McMuffins, scones, bagels with cream-cheese and miso soup, but Jack liked none of it. He was just finishing telling Owen that Jacks most definitely did not like tofu when Tosh turned to Ianto & said, "Oh, by the way I almost forgot, I managed to get something for you Ianto. I meant to tell you sooner but I wanted to surprise you!"
And with a flourish Tosh pulled out a bag of Ethiopian Yirgacheffe Special Blue Mountain Blend, coffee beans.
"COOOOOFFFEEEEEE!" said Ianto enthusiastically flinging himself at the bag. "How on earth did you manage to get some?"
"I have my little secrets," giggled Tosh. "I knew you'd be pleased!"
"You're the best," laughed Ianto while Owen clapped her on the back and said, "Nice one Tosh! Now Teaboy here can finally be useful and make a me a coffee!"
Ianto immediately got to work grinding the beans & brewing the coffee and soon the amazing aroma was filling Toshs kitchen. In no time at all Ianto, Owen and Tosh each had a cup in their hands.
Ianto held the fresh, steaming, cup of coffee. He took a long moment to gaze at his cup lovingly and think just how wonderful life was really and that everything was suddenly Looking Up. Then he finally took that long awaited first sip. With a blissful sigh and a look of pure ecstasy on his face he let the wonderful flavour of coffee roll round his mouth. He was about to swallow it when a pair of hands grabbed his face and pulled him in for a hot, messy kiss. Owen and Tosh paused, with their cups of coffee halfway to their mouths and watched as Jack enthusiastically kissed Iantos' face off. They waited and waited and waited, and just when Owen was pretty sure that Ianto must have been suffering from a lack of oxygen, Jack broke off the kiss and Ianto took in a huge gasp of air that put Jacks resurrection breaths to shame. Jack looked up at the ceiling, and closed his eyes, and his tongue went round and round his mouth and a peaceful smile came over his face as he said, "So, that's what Jacks like best! They like Iantos!"
"And coffee!" he added with a big grin.
So that's why, if you were ever to go to Iantos house for breakfast you would always find bread, hunny, exceptional coffee and Jack. Gwen still had not quite forgiven Jack and stayed in her house in a huff until the smell of Iantos coffee was too much for her and she had to come out to have a cup. Owen and Tosh found an antidote to the mushrooms Jack had eaten and he was back to his old self in no time.
Except that he still insisted that Iantos coat-rack really did look like a Janet and not a Barbara.
The End