Disclaimer: Still don't own anything related to "The Office", British or American.
Notes: Reviews are very appreciated!
From the moment she stepped off the plane Pam knew she had made the right decision. Getting away from Roy, the wedding and Scranton was the right thing to do. She needed to step away from the tornado of chaos that surrounded her, she needed a clear picture and she was just too close to see anything clearly.
When she got to her hotel room she burst into tears & laughter. She cried for the loss of ten years and laughed that it was that loss that gave her freedom.
She spent her first few days wandering the streets of Paris thinking about Roy and struggling with why if felt like the right decision was to leave him, to end their life together. Stepping away from him caused her to feel herself coming back. The person she had started to become before she turned into Roy's girlfriend, then Roy's fiancé. Her mind would sometimes go to wild thoughts that at the end of her time away, she and Roy would be ok and get back together. Those crazy thoughts would randomly swirl in her head and she could do little to rationalize them away. She had ten years of history to wade through and part of her wanted to save it, to rescue her relationship, to try and fix it, but in the end, it took one small moment to see the future clearly.
It was the end of her second week in Paris and she had befriended the couple that ran a small café near her hotel, Patrick and Marie. They had taken it upon themselves to become her tour guides and enjoyed showing her the city they loved. It was at the end of a long day of site seeing, they had covered much of the city and her mind was still reeling from all the beauty and grandness she had discovered. That evening, as the three of them strolled along the river in quiet contentment, Pam had stopped to tie her shoe and when she looked up, there was Patrick and Marie, walking into the Paris sunset. He slipped his hand around hers and she leaned into him, completely in love with each other. Pam felt this, even being several feet away and in that moment, any doubts she had had about leaving Roy vanished. She knew that she and Roy were over, that while they loved each other, it just wasn't enough and that they both deserved to have more.
The only thing left was to figure out why. Why she and Roy didn't work anymore. She felt that sometimes she was seeking an answer to a question that she shouldn't ask. But she knew that if she was going to be able to more forward, she had to know what went wrong. A history teacher once said that in life, everything repeats itself and if people would just take the time to look at the past, they would see the patterns and possibly, change things to create a different future. She had forgotten about that teacher, but spending so much time in the past brings out misplaced memories. Things you forgot you knew, things you didn't want to remember.
She spent hours writing out everything she remembered, filling journal after journal with memories. It was harsh to see it all laid out; the good times, the mistakes, the paths not taken, all lightly carved into paper by the fine tip of the pen. She would read and re-read each entry, each page, each book, again and again until she found the patterns that repeated themselves. Her history. All the times she had let Roy make the choices about their life. All the times he made her laugh, cry, rage against him with anger and hold onto him with love. All the times he didn't know her favourite anything and all the times he surprised her with the perfect unexpected moment. She saw that while it would be easy to blame Roy for everything, she was just as much to blame for the demise. She was the one who let him talk her out of pursuing art. She had enabled him to be thoughtless by not demanding more. While he actually did all those things, said all those comments that hurt her, she never stepped up and said "enough". She let him end an argument by tickling her instead of talking things out and reaching a solution to what caused the fight in the first place.
The next thought delved into more dark corners. She was always hurt when Roy wouldn't know her dreams and desires, but then, what did she know if his? She lived on the assumption that he was happy with his life the way it was, but was she right? The more she thought about it, the more she realized just how wrong she was for him. He needed a spunky sports fan who would be thrilled at the idea of sitting in a cold stadium rooting for their favourite team. He deserved someone who would know what his favourite snack was, who knew exactly what to say to get him to smile, someone who encourage him to take a chance on something, sometime.
As she licked the glue on the envelope, she felt all the guilt, anger and frustration dissolve. She knew that she had chosen the right words for him, words that let him know she loved him and didn't regret their time together. Words to tell him she was sorry for all that she didn't do and yet, not sorry for bringing to an end, their future.
As she finished addressing an envelope to her parents, the one that asked them to forward the enclosed letter to Roy, her history came to an end. It was now time to think about her future and who was waiting for her just beyond the horizon.