ACT 1, SCENE 2
INT. WILLIAM MCKINLEY HIGH, CHOIR ROOM
LEGEND: 24 HOURSEARLIER
WILL SCHUSTER IS AT THE WHITE BOARD. HE SCRAWLS DOWN THE WORDS: SAD COUNTRY MUSIC AND SUICIDE, BEFORE TURNING TO THE GATHERED GLEE CLUB THAT INCLUDES - IN THE BACK ROW: NOAH (PUCK) PUCKERMAN, FINN HUDSON, RACHELBERRY, BLAINE ANDERSON AND KURT HUMMEL. IN THE MIDDLE ROW: SANTANA LOPEZ, BRITTANY S. PIERCE, RORY FLANAGAN AND SAM EVANS. UP FRONT: ARTIE ABRAHAMS, MIKE CHANG JR., TINA COHEN-CHANG, SUGAR MOTTA AND MERCEDES JONES.
WILL
Right, your assignment for the week...
IN BACK, RACHEL'S HAND SHOOTS INTO THE AIR.
RACHEL
Mister Schu!
WILL
(SIGHS)
Yes, Rachel?
RACHEL SPRINGS - YES, SPRINGS - TO HER FEET, AND SKIPS - YES, SKIPS - DOWN TO THE FRONT TO STAND BESIDE WILL.
RACHEL
Well, as you all know, tonight Finn and I are having our bachelor-slash-bachelorette parties...
PUCK
Yeah, we all got your Rules of Behaviour e-mail.
ARTIE
I made the mistake of printing it out.
(BEAT)
Now I need a new printer cartridge.
RACHEL
And I knew you testosterone-pumped boys would be complaining about my blanket ban on strippers, so-
PUCK
Wait! Hold up!
(BEAT)
No strippers?
RACHEL
I thought you got the e-mail.
PUCK
I didn't say I read it.
RACHEL
Anyway, I anticipated that you wouldn't exactly be thrilled with the situation.
MIKE
Damn straight!
HE HAS TO DUCK A SIDE-SWIPE FROM TINA.
RACHEL
So, we arranged a little treat for you.
FINN
Whoah, what's going on? I don't know anything about a treat.
(BEAT)
And who's we?
RACHEL
I wanted it to be a surprise. I figured if I'm going to send you off to a bachelor party with this group, I'd rather all of
you got your sexual pseudo-gratification out of the way beforehand.
FINN
You just said like fifteen words I don't understand.
BRITTANY
Only fifteen?
RACHEL
You've all probably noticed that Quinn and I are dressed to match today.
SANTANA
That's so sweet...
(BEAT)
They think we actually pay attention to them.
QUINN FABRAY RISES, RATHER MORE ELEGANTLY, TO HER FEET AND COMES TO STAND NEXT TO RACHEL. MR. SCHU, RECOGNIZING THE SIGNS OF HIS CLASS BEING ANNEXED BY RACHEL, HAS LONG SINCE RETREATED TO THE STOOL BY THE PIANO.
NOW THAT THEY WERE SIDE BY SIDE, THE CLASS NOTICED RACHEL AND QUINN'S MATCHING OUTFITS.
BOTH ARE CLAD IN BLACK LEATHER MINI-SKIRTS AND WHITE SHIRTS, KNOTTED UNDER THEIR BREASTS, REVEALING MATCHING DIAMOND-STUD BELLY RINGS. KNEE-HIGH STILETTO BOOTS COMPLETE THE ENSEMBLES.
RORY
Boing!
THE CLASS, AS ONE, TURN TO LOOK AT HIM.
SAM
Boing?
RORY
(GRAVE)
Boing.
RACHEL
Anyhoo... Quinn and I prepared a song to send you guys on your way tonight. It's a little risqué, but it's a classic! We hope you enjoy.
A HUSH OF ANTICIPATION FALLS ON THE ROOM. QUINN AND RACHEL BACK UP SO THEY'RE STANDING ON OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE ROOM, FACING EACH OTHER. WITH A LITTLE TWIRL OF HER FINGER, QUINN SIGNALS THE BAND, AND THE DRUMMER KICKS IN A BEAT.
RACHEL STEPS FORWARD WITH A… SEDUCTIVE STRUT. AND FOR FINN, THE WHOLE WORLD BEGINS TO SWIRL.
WE STAY ON FINN'S POV, HEARING THAT WAAH- WAAH-WAAH SOUND CHARLIE BROWN HEARS WHEN HIS TEACHERS TALK. IT'S APPARENT THE GIRLS ARE SINGING, BUT FINN'S COMPLETELY FOCUSED ON HIS FIANCEE' AND HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND ESSENTIALLY USING EACH OTHER'S BODIES AS STRIPPER POLES. HE ONLY TUNES BACK IN AGAIN WHEN AN EXCITED PUCK ELBOWS HIM IN THE RIBS AND WHISPERS:
PUCK
Dude, I hate you so much right now.
RACHEL
(SINGING)
He sat in her boudoir while she freshened up.
Boy drank all that Magnolia wine.
On her black satin sheets is where he started to freak, yeah…
BY NOW, THE REST OF THE GIRLS HAVE BEEN RECRUITED AS BACK-UP DANCERS. THEY ALL JOIN IN THE CHORUS, BUT THE REAL ACTION IS RACHEL AND QUINN UP-FRONT.
GIRLS
Giuchie giuchie yaya dada (da-da-da)
Giuchie giuchie yaya here (here-oohoo-yea- yeah)
Mocha choca lata ya ya (yea)
Creole Lady Marmalade!
QUINN SLINKS FORWARD, AND STARTS DOING A HIP-SPLITTING GRIND, ALMOST IN ARTIE'S FACE.
QUINN
Touch of her skin feelin' silky smooth,
Colour of café' au lait.
Made the savage beast inside roar until he cried...
More-more-more!
RACHEL
Now he's back home doin' 9 to 5...
QUINN
Livin' the grey flannel life.
RACHEL
But when he turns off to sleep memories creep...
QUINN
More... more.. MORE!
GIRLS
Giuchie giuchie yaya dada (da-da-da)
Giuchie giuchie yaya here (here-oohoo-yea- yeah)
Mocha choca lata ya ya (yea)
Creole Lady Marmalade!
THE REMAINING BOYS - MINUS FINN AND KURT - LEAP TO THEIR FEET AND ROAR SO LOUD THAT:
CUT TO:
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INT. WILLIAM MCKINLEY HIGH, MRS. CLEARY'S CLASSROOM
THE SLUMBERING, GERIATRIC MRS. CLEARY (FAST ASLEEP AND OBLIVIOUS OF THE CLASS PLAYING DICE IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM) STARTS AWAKE, ALMOST FALLING OUT OF HER CHAIR.
MRS. CLEARY
What was-?
WE CONTINUE TO HEAR THE CHEERS COMING FROM THE GLEE CLUB. MRS. CLEARY'S CLASS SPARE HER THE BRIEFEST GLANCE, THEN CONTINUE WHAT THEY WERE DOING. THE OLD WOMAN CLUTCHES AT HER CHEST.
MRS. CLEARY (cont'd)
Oh, my God... my pacemaker... my...
THEY STILL PAY HER NO HEED.
CUT TO:
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INT. WILLIAM MCKINLEY HIGH, CHOIR ROOM
THE CLUB CONGREGATE AROUND RACHEL AND QUINN, CONGRATULATING THEM ON A GREAT SONG.
PUCK
Okay, that totally makes up for no strippers.
RACHEL
Really?
PUCK
No. You're worse than my rabbi.
SHAKING HER HEAD, RACHEL PUSHES THROUGH THE PRESS AND COMES UP TO FINN.
RACHEL
So? What did you think?
FINN
What language was that?
RACHEL
French.
FINN
What did it mean?
RACHEL
I'll tell you later.
(LEANS CLOSE, WHISPERS)
I hope you like chocolates and tongue baths.
WITH THAT, RACHEL PRIMLY STEPS AWAY. FINN JUST STANDS THERE, GRINNING LIKE AN IDIOT.
.
.
INT. WILLIAM MCKINLEY HIGH, HALLWAY
SANTANA AND BRITTANY ARE TRAMPING DOWN THE STAIRS, FOLLOWED BY AN OUTRAGED KURT.
KURT
Why not?
SANTANA
Because... it's creepy!
KURT
Gasp!
BRITTANY
Did you just say gasp?
KURT
I am outraged! I am mortified!
SANTANA
You're also still not invited.
(BEAT)
I don't know why you want to come with us anyway. The guys are gonna be all male-bondy, or whatever. I would've thought that would be right up your alley.
KURT
I was on the football team for a while-
SANTANA
You were?
KURT
Yes! I got the winning dropkick.
BRITTANY
Field goal.
KURT
Whatever.
(BEAT)
Anyway, I know what real male bonding looks like. And sounds like.
(CRINKLES NOSE)
And... oh, God... smells like.
SANTANA
You're exaggerating.
KURT
You think so? Do you know they have a funky jockstrap competition? Uh huh, it's been going for four years.
BRITTANY
And by funky, you mean...?
KURT
I don't mean the hotpants and clock jewellery kind of funk, no.
SANTANA
EW!
(TO BRITTANY)
Have I thanked you lately for saving me from all things testosteroney?
BRITTANY
I'm like Jesus with a penis embargo.
THAT COMMENT STOPS KURT DEAD FOR A SECOND, ALLOWING SANTANA AND BRITTANY TO PULL AHEAD. BUT HE QUICKLY SHAKES IT OFF AND HURRIES TO CATCH UP.
KURT
Look, Blaine can get along fine just being one of the guys, but me...? I'd rather spend the evening with people who don't think Mark Jakobs was a pitcher for the Yankees.
SANTANA
Insert pitcher and catcher joke here.
BRITTANY
What?
SANTANA
Okay, fine! You can come.
KURT
Yay.
SANTANA
But only because I know that if you don't get your way, we'll be subjected to three weeks of you performing the soundtrack from the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants.
KURT
I was thinking more MysticPizza, but I'll take what I can get.
(BEAT)
So... where are we going? Gentlemen's Choice?
BRITTANY
Is that the new Sharper Image lifestyle store? Do you think they have the Storm Trooper pyjamas?
AS SHE TALKS, SHE CARRIES ON WALKING, UNTIL SHE REALISES SHE'S WALKING ALONE. SHE STOPS, TURNS BACK, FINDS SANTANA AND KURT STARING AT HER, DUMBFOUNDED.
BRITTANY (cont'd)
What? Lord Tubbington already has Boba-Fett and he says that the Princess Leia outfit chafes.
KURT
Is it weird that in all of that, the thing I find least disturbing, is that you think your cat talks to you?
SANTANA
(MUTTERS)
My girlfriend is a StarWarsgeek... This can't be happening.
KURT
(TO SANTANA)
So, where are we going?
SANTANA
Quinn's house.
KURT
And then?
SANTANA
That's it.
KURT
That's it?
SANTANA
Are you hard of hearing all of a sudden? That's it. No cheesy male strip clubs, no butch biker chick bars - just us girls and a lot of chocolate and champagne.
KURT
Wow. Sounds like a blast.
SANTANA
(SWINGS ON HIM)
Now you're complaining? Coz if you feel like channeling your kind's bitchiness, we could just leave you to play Guess My Upchuck with the guys.
KURT
(PLASTERS ON A SMILE)
Should I bring anything?
CUT TO:
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ACT 1, SCENE 6
EXT. WILLIAM MCKINLE YHIGH, BLEACHERS
PUCK, ARTIE, RORY, SAM, MIKE AND BLAINE ARE CHILLING IN THE STANDS OVERLOOKING THE FOOTBALL FIELD. PUCK IS ADDRESSING BLAINE.
PUCK
No, you don't bring anything. Just make sure you meet us in the parking lot at 8, and don't tell Finn and Kurt!
BLAINE
Why not?
PUCK
Because neither one of them will be able to stand up to Rachel. And then we're screwed. And not in a good way.
ARTIE
Are we gonna break the Rules of Behaviour?
PUCK
Yeah. So?
ARTIE
Rachel scares me.
RORY
Me too.
SAM
She's got that rabid chipmunk intensity.
MIKE
I can't dance if she chews off my legs.
PUCK
I can't believe you guys! You're really gonna let Snouty the Jewish Dwarf stand in the way of throwing Finn a kick-ass bachelor party?
BLAINE
So, we're doing this for Finn?
PUCK
Hell no! The minute the first stripper gets her top off, he'll probably pass out. Then we can have some real fun.
ARTIE
I'm not sure about this...
PUCK
Guys! It is our job - nay, our sacred duty - to go out tonight, drink beer and watch hot women get naked! We're not just doing this for ourselves-
BLAINE
Or Finn...
PUCK
-we're doing this for men everywhere!
RORY
Wow. You Americans really have a handle on the art of exaggeration, don'tcha?
PUCK
Come on, guys! Are you with me?
GUYS
(TEPID)
Yeah...
PUCK
I said, are you with me?
THE GUYS JUMP UP AND PUNCH THE AIR.
GUYS
YEAH!
PUCK
Let's go see some strippers!
THEY CHEER AND WHOOP AND TURN TO CHARGE DOWN THE BLEACHERS, BUT THEY COME UP SHORT WHEN THEY SEE:
FINN
What-the-hell?
PUCK
Uh...
FINN
Strippers?
PUCK
Dude, listen...
FINN
No! No strippers! Rachel's gonna kill me!
PUCK
She's not gonna kill you.
FINN
She's been taking Krav Maga to fit into her wedding dress! You know what Krav Maga is? I looked it up on the internet! I don't wanna wear my ass as a hat for the rest of my life!
PUCK
God, man, grow a pair!
GUYS
Ooooh...
FINN
What did you say?
PUCK
I said grow a pair! You let her boss you around like she's Paris Hilton and you're the idiot chihuahua in the sweater that rides around in her handbag!
RORY
(LEANS IN TO WHISPER TO MIKE)
Are they gonna fight?
MIKE
Oh, it's so on.
FINN
You know what? I'm sick of this! You're always getting me in trouble, but you're never around long enough to clean up the mess.
PUCK
Hey-
FINN
No! I'm done with it!
(STARTS SINGING)
With friends like you...
GUYS
Who needs friends?
FINN
With friends like you...
GUYS
Who needs friends?
FINN
With friends like you...
GUYS
Who needs friends?
FINN STARTS UP THE BLEACHERS. PUCK, SENSING DANGER, STARTS BACKING AWAY. THE GUYS - MINUS ARTIE - TRAIL BOTH OF THEM, SINGING BACK-UP AND WATCHING EAGERLY.
FINN
You know you left the window open,
And now the cat is gone.
And my girlfriend says you're really sweet,
What the hell is goin' on?
ARTIE
Oh, snap!
PUCK
(OFFENDED NOW)
Oh yeah?
(SINGS)
Well you never gave me back my leather jacket,
And now it's out of style.
And I warned you that that incense burner,
Would set my house on fire!
GUYS
With friends like you!
FINN
Who needs friends?
GUYS
With friends like you!
PUCK
Who needs friends?
GUYS
With friends like you!
FINN
Who needs friends?
BY NOW THEY'RE CHARGING EACH OTHER UP AND DOWN THE BLEACHERS. STUDENTS ARE SCATTERING, GAWPING, TAKING VIDEO WITH THEIR CELLPHONES. THEY'RE REALLY GOING AT EACH OTHER.
FINN (cont'd)
And I'm not gonna beat you up,
Or drag you through the mud.
When the pending file-sharing suit goes down!
GUYS
With friends like you!
FINN
Who needs friends?
PUCK
You know you left the back door open,
And now the dog is gone!
And my girlfriend says you're really sweet,
What the fuck is goin' on?
FINN
And you never gave me back my leather jacket,
And now it's outta style.
I shoulda beat you with your burkenstock
When you set my house on fire!
GUYS
With friends like you!
FINN
Who needs friends?
GUYS
With friends like you!
PUCK
Who needs friends?
GUYS
With friends like you!
FINN
Who needs friends?
MUSIC CUTS OUT WITH PUCK AND FINN RIGHT UP IN EACH OTHER'S FACES. THE FURY'S COMING OFF FINN IN WAVES. PUCK REALISES THIS, AND BACKS AWAY.
PUCK
Alright, fine! Fine! You win, Finnessa!
FINN
No strippers?
PUCK
No strippers.
FINN GIVES A CURT NOD, AND STOMPS OFF. PUCK WATCHES HIM GO, GRINDING HIS TEETH. THE GUYS SIDLE UP TO HIM.
SAM
We're still doing it, right?
PUCK
Of course.
OY!
FIRST AD BREAK:
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