Title: All's Fair in Love and War
Author: the Midnight Ghost
Rating: K+ for Francis' wandering hand.
Characters: Vash(Switzerland), Francis(France), Arthur(England), Mei(Taiwan), Dorin(Romania), Xiao/Leon(Hong Kong), Peter(Sealand), Wynn(Wy), and Ismet(TRNC)
Summary: Vash didn't intend to become Hetalia's Gatekeeper. He kinda had to beat up a French Prince to get the position. Hey, all's fair in love and war, right?
AN: I lied. I'm just gonna stick all my stories from this AU here. Hope you don't mind! (These are supposed to be loosely connected one-shots.)
Also, thank you again yeeeitscarmen for proofreading!
Note: This story talks about nobles from the past. I am pretty sure none of them exist now, so just pretend that they live in a world where there are kings and queens in a modern setting. Also, no historical references were made to choose which country got which position. You have been warned.
Disclaimer: If I were Himaruya, I'd include more Switzerland and South Korea. But since I'm not, I just sit and dream.
-o-
"For Christ's sake, would you stop eating for one second? Vash will have my head if you aren't at your posts!" Mei hisses, trying to chase Xiao and Dorin out of the kitchen.
"Oh please. He's too busy taking care of those brats outside anyway," Dorin says in a dismissive manner and grabs a bunch of grapes.
"KIRKLAND!" The three hear the infamous Gatekeeper scream and jump, or in Xiao's case, raise a bushy eyebrow.
"Shit! Come on, Xiao, let's scram before he finds us!" Dorin hisses, cramming the rest of the grapes into his mouth before dragging the Hong Konger out of the kitchen.
Two seconds later Prince Peter, Wynn, and Ismet tumble in, looking as if they just ran a mile- away from an angry gatekeeper.
"Wynn. Why aren't you with Michelle? You're supposed to be cleaning up the Princess's room. And Ismet, why aren't you helping Toris with the Jaidee's elephant? You can play with Prince Peter later," Mei scolds, brandishing a wash rag threateningly. Vash passes by, all disheveled, and soaks in the scene: the trio looking down, shamefully staring at their feet and and the angry looking Head Maid, surely going to punish them.
With a nod he leaves, back to the gate.
As he leaves they all sigh and relax, all immediate threats gone.
"Geez, what's up with the Gatekeeper? He's got a huge stick up his-" Ismet groans, taking of his head to mop his face with it. Wynn grimaces.
"Ismet," Mei warns, returning to her job of folding up all the kitchen and dining cloth.
"For once I have to agree, desu yo! Vash is worse than Jerk Arthur is sometimes!" Peter groans, dragging his once clean sleeve across his forehead.
"Well, he is a bit strict..." Mei agrees, slowly nodding. The three stare at her, disbelieving.
"But he has a lot to do every day. Making sure no outsiders come in, watching over the gates, keeping the guards in their place..." She continues, folding a napkin with flourish.
"Hey Mei! Is Vash gone now?" Dorin calls, peering around the corner of the door. Xiao walks in, and since his head is immediately bitten off by angry Swiss men the Romanian breathes in relief and walks in.
"So, talking about our favorite Gatekeeper, are we?" Dorin chirps, plucking more grapes and eating them.
"How did he even become the Gatekeeper? I've never seen him around here before!" Wynn asks, tossing a grape in the air and eating it.
"It's like, all Francis's fault," Xiao says, helping Mei fold.
"Francis? You mean the one Sadiq tells me to stay away from? The one that tried to look up Emilie's skirt during breakfast? The one that Peter's jerk Brother hates? The one that tries to go on 'adventures' with Grand Duke Matthew? The one that can't lift up a sack of flour without wincing? That Francis?" Ismet cries, looking incredulous
The French strike again, the older three think.
"Yes, that Francis. It's all his fault that Vash is our wonderful Gatekeeper and Head Guard," Dorin nods, taking an apple and biting into it.
"Mei, like, tell them what happened. I'll fold," Xiao says as he continues folding with a deadpan expression.
"Oh alright. It happened about a year ago, when you three were all sick with the flu because you all were playing in the rain..."
o
Vash stands in awe as he stares at the large, nearly golden castle from the village square.
"New, aren't you?" An elderly woman calls from where she's seated, knitting a scarf.
"Er, yes. I'm looking for a job around here. Do you happen to know someplace that might be hiring?" Vash asks, inclining his head a little in respect.
"My my, if only my son were as driven as you were. Maybe he would actually be somewhere in life," The old woman says, shaking her head.
Vash smiles in sympathy, while he groans internally. I do not need to hear this.
"The castle you were looking at earlier? Hetalia? I believe they are looking for a new guard." She continues, gesturing to Hetalia with her knitting needles.
Vash's ears perk up when he hears the word guard. I can guard. Guarding is easy. I'll just have to aim at less vital parts.
The woman eyes at the sudden interest in Vash's eyes and sighs.
"I must warn you about not thing, however. That castle, right there? It's filled to the brim with nobles from all over the world." Vash nods. Nobles. I can handle snobby rich people.
"They're not exactly the most traditional of nobles, per say." Vash narrows his eyes. Not traditional nobles?
"There are many rumors about the place, about how there are many... Homosexuals running about." Vash snorts without thinking, which earns him a glare. Really? Gay people? That's what they're all on about?
"The residents are also very crazy. I heard that once, a German duke managed to destroy the entire west wing because he 'Felt awesomer than usual.' An entire half of the building was demolished!" Well. That was something to be worried about.
"Did he destroy it with some type of machine?" Already Vash was going through the various situations in his head: the duke had borrowed a wrecking ball and caved in the walls, he cut through the wooden support beams that were holding up Hetalia, he borrowed another nobleman's private jet and crash-landed, he-
"He did it all by hand. Hand! How could anyone destroy a building with his bare hands?" The old lady wails.
Vash stares in shock at the woman. Bare hands? That's... That's impossible!
"So drop by the castle if you wish, boy, but if you care for your safety you better just head down to Lack's Tavern for a job," The elderly lady concludes, resuming her knitting.
"Er, yes. Thank you very much, ma'am." Vash nods his head, and slinging his bag back on his shoulder, continues walking around, keeping an eye out for a certain tavern...
Yet his eyes are constantly drawn back to the golden castle.
Later on that day, Vash finds himself back at the village square. He sits at the fountain. The old lady was no longer there, having gone home to cook for whoever is still at her house.
He briefly contemplates staying the night outside(to save money) when he spots something blond out of the corner of his eye.
"Bonjour, M'ange. I have not seen your lovely face around here. Where do you come from?" Vash hears someone purr next to him, and suddenly there is a warm body pressed up against him.
Vash scowls before standing up, glaring at the man who invaded his personal space(which is quite large.)
"Switzerland," he says curtly, narrowing his eyes when the man smiles... Oddly.
"A man from the land of the beautiful Alps, non? No, you must be the land personified, for your beauty is matched only by the sparkling snow on those majestic mountains," The man exclaims, grabbing Vash's hand and kissing it.
Vash's mind has been in lock-down mode for the greater part of the strange man's speech. He's so brain-dead that he almost doesn't catch the hand snaking around his waist and heading for his posterior.
Almost.
As the hand gets nice and personal with his gluteus maximus Vash's mind snaps.
Before he knows it an ash blond man with bushy eyebrows is pulling him away from the offender, he and his hand severely injured.
"'What the bloody hell did you do, you damn frog?" Eyebrows hisses, his English accent penetrating Vash's rather pissed mind.
"I was only professing my undying l'amour for the Swiss man, Les Goddams," The pervert wails from the floor.
Eyebrow's grip on Vash tightens considerably. "One more word out of you, Francis, and I'll let him go. And stop calling me bloody French names!" The pervert, most likely Francis, whimpers.
Meanwhile Vash was beating himself up mentally. Goddamn it, how could you let yourself hurt the idiot like that? If you get thrown in jail you won't be able to earn enough money to help Lilli! Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Eyebrows sighs.
"Look, mister, I know that what this damn frog did to you was probably a huge invasion of personal space, however, no matter how much of a bloody pervert he is, he's still a prince."
Vash feels the blood draining out of his face. A prince? A I-can-have-you-hanged-faster-than-you-can-blink Prince?
Sheisse.
"... So I need for you to come with me," Eyebrows finishes talking and looks at Vash expectantly.
"Er, ok?" Vash answers, wincing a bit. I really need to work on not getting lost in my thoughts.
With that the two of them walk towards the golden castle, a doctor taking care of the Prince.
All throughout the walk Vash thinks about his sister. How much money does Lilli have left? About 1300 francs... With that much she can travel to Lichtenstein in about a week... But she won't be able to find a place to stay on the first night there... I still have some francs, maybe they will let me send them to her, along with a letter? If they don't I'm going to have to bargain with the jail warden... Maybe Papi's old watch can convince him to forward a letter to Lilli...?
A sudden stop jerks him out of his thoughts; they're finally at the castle gates. They are large gates, gray with small elegant metal vines weaving through the bars. The gates seem golden, as Hetalia's facade peeks through.
"This is Hetalia. It's full of nobles from all over the world. Created by Remulus and his friend Aland(Although there have been rumors about them having a relationship that was more than just friendly) a couple years ago, now nobles from all over the world reside in it," Eyebrows says, fumbling with his keys.
"Leon!" He finally growls, giving up on his keys.
A minute later an Asian man approaches the gate from the inside, his face deadpan.
"Leon, can you open the gate?" Eyebrows asks, relief painted all over his face.
"I can totally not let outsiders inside," Is Leon's response. Eyebrows scowls.
"Do I look like a bloody outsider?"
While the two converse, the Asian man expressionless while Eyebrows grows angrier by the second, Vash takes a moment to look over the castle.
It truly looked golden, with large windows even breaking the surface and wall ivy crawling up it's walls at the right places.
In front of the castle is a rather large driveway. Other nobles and possible servants dot the grass, doing whatever they please.
He brings his eyes back to the two men. Eyebrows looks about ready to explode. Leon looks as impassive as ever, responding in quick but oddly worded sentences. He also seems to have bushy eyebrows as well, although not as intense as Eyebrows's are.
"For fucks sake let me in Leon!" Eyebrows yells, face red from anger. Leon doesn't even flinch, and unlocks the gate with ease.
Vash feels dread pooling in the bottom of his stomach as he follows Eyebrows across the large driveway. This is so not going to end well.
The various nobles and servants give them all strange looks as the march towards the castle. Eyebrows shrugs them off as if he were used to them, which he probably was because of his eyebrows.
The inside of Hetalia is as breath-taking as the outside. Vash only has a second to soak in the sight before being whisked down hallway after hallway by Eyebrows.
They finally stop in front of two large white doors. A plaque is hung up to the side of them, with the words 'Grand Prince Arthur Kirkland of England' inscribed on it.
Arthur opens the door and light floods the hallway from the large window inside of the room. When Vash's eyes adjust to the light he finds that the window gives away to Hetalia's large driveway. He can barely make out Leon at the end of the driveway.
In front of the window is a large desk, neat and organized.
"Sit," Arthur commands, and Vash complies.
The Grand Prince busies himself with a teapot and after what seems like an eternity to Vash he sets a tray with tea and scones on the desk. He sits and gestures for Vash to take a cup.
"So. Mr...?"
"Vash Zwingli."
"Mr. Zwingli. You managed to break Prince Francis' hand, along with giving him a black eye, three fractured ribs, and a good kick to the balls."
Vash winces. When did he find out all that?
"... Yes."
"All in a matter of five minutes," Arthur continues, taking a casual sip of his tea. Vash fidgets. It's been a long time since I felt this... vulnerable.
"Yes."
Arthur leans forward, hands resting on on clasped hands. "I'd say you're pretty good at panning people up. Can you do anything else other than land a good punch?"
Vash blinks. What? "I'm a pretty good shot." His eyes flicker over to his bag, where his beloved shotgun is.
A wide smile breaks across Arthur's face. He looks as if Christmas has come five months early.
"Great! Then you'll be perfect as our new gatekeeper!"
Vash stares at him, an unfathomable expression on his face. "... Excuse me?"
"Gatekeeper. One who watches gates. Heck, I'll even let you be the Head Guard. You look like you could manage a couple of rascals,' Arthur says with a dismissive wave of his hand.
"... Why?" Once again, his mind is in too much shock to go further than three worded sentences.
"Because I don't happen to like that French pervert. As they say, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. And you do happen to be looking for a job," Arthur says with an air of indifference, taking another sip of his tea.
Vash shakes his head. "How do you know I am trustworthy?"
Arthur looks at him with half lidded eyes, "Either way you're stuck here. You have to pay for the frog's medical bill. Unless you fancy a visit to the pokeys."
Vash scowls before he can stop it. Arthur has Vash trapped and he knows it.
"What about... Leon?" He says after a bit of silence.
"Oh, he's just a guard. His position will be changed after you take the job." Vash chooses not to speak about the way Arthur spoke, as if he already accepted being their gatekeeper.
"... Alright. I'll be your gatekeeper. Head guard. Whatever," Vash grumbles after another round of silence.
Arthur smiles victoriously. "Nu-uh-uh," he says, pointer finger in the air.
"You are Hetalia's new gatekeeper."
o
"So Jerk England was the one that hired Vash?" Peter asks as soon as Mei finishes.
"That is correct," Xiao states, folding the last cloth.
"Wow! Vash was so badass!" Dorin cheers, apple forgotten.
"How did you know that happened?" Wynn asks, eyes sparkling.
Mei chuckles, "A woman has her ways."
"DORIN! XIAO!" They all jump as they hear Vash roar.
"Aw man! Gotta run, Mei! See you brats later!" Dorin whines, grabbing his apple and running out, Xiao at his heels.
"Mei!" Vash bursts in, holding the side of the door as he fights to catch his breath. "Have you seen Dorin and Xiao at all in here today?"
Mei taps her chin thoughtfully. Turn them in, or let them get away with it this time?
"They went that way." She points at the direction the two guards just left. That's what you get for interrupting my work. My condolences, cousin Xiao.
"Thanks," Vash wheezes before running after the two. She can hear his angry yelling and Dorin's laughter from where she stands.
Peter, Wynn, and Ismet crawl out from their hiding spot underneath the table.
"I think I like the quiet Vash from your story better," Ismet says to no one in particular.
Mei laughs, shaking her head.
"Now, get to work you two! And Prince Kirkland, your brother is looking for you." Mei claps her hands, and the three children disperse while grumbling.
Mei hums as she picks up the folded cloth. Maybe I'll visit old Granny Marie at the fountain today. I still have to thank her for getting us a better gatekeeper.
Just another normal day at Hetalia.
Translations-
Bonjour, M'ange- Hello, my angel.
Les Goddams- 'the Goddamn', French nickname used for the English during the Hundred Years War, due to their over use of profanity.
Sheisse- Shit
1300 Francs- Switzerland currency, I believe it's roughly $1654 in American currency.
Have questions? Ask in a review!