Finally, I'm back.
Today's recurring jokes will be "in that way" and "my lawyer."
Oh- and a response to people who seem to think I'm a psychopathic ranting lunatic who actually plots to do this stuff.
Firstly, this is all stuff that has been made for entertainment. The thing is, I don't actually believe in murdering people for a reason as silly as putting stupid stuff on the internet, because that's just about everyone.
I am not homophobic. If you've ever watched the episode of South Park where the kids get in trouble for use of the word "fag", except they're using it to describe bikers instead of calling them gay, and so the word is reclassified- that's sort of what I do. Or used to, anyway. I was about fourteen or fifteen when I wrote the first chapter of this parody, and kids that age tend to throw around the words "gay" like anything. Nowadays, I don't actually do that, strangely enough. I do not believe in discriminating against humans, even if sometimes they are people who discriminate as well.
The reason I hate yaoi fics is because they're written by teenage fangirls who want to masturbate to it. If it's actually written by a gay guy, you know, I still won't read it, but I can understand why he'd make otherwise straight characters gay. For the same reasons, I don't read yuri fics because that'd just make me a hypocrite here. Nor am I interested in masturbating to fanfiction, there's an entire world of porn for that sort of stuff.
I'm fully aware this is technically not an actual story, more of a collection of rants intended to be funny.
My self-esteem is actually surprisingly okay. I usually don't succumb to peer pressure and I'm usually quite headstrong and fairly happy with my life.
I'm also aware these are mistakes often made by newbie writers. I mean, hell, my fics were pretty bad when they started out. It's part of the reason I deleted a bunch of them, people barely remember them now and think they were great instead of that reading them again and seeing they were awful and cliché. It's a trend for new young writers, actually.
I've never used any of the flames I've written, nor have I actually driven a writer off this site. As I've mentioned, these are all jokes.
Oh, and to the guy who said "I'd tell you to die for being so pathetically pigheaded, but that would sink me down to your level." No, mate, you've still said it. It's like people who say "No offence, but I fucking hate you."
However, I apologise for swearing so much. That's the only bit where I'll concede I've screwed up a bit. So to apologise, I've toned down the profanity a little. A little.
Parodying Naruto wants revenge on Konoha (can't believe I haven't done this yet)
"OMFG!" yelled an author. "It's so obvious that everyone was beating the shit out of Naruto! How come he doesn't take revenge! I know, I'll write a fic where he does! And gets a harem, cos that's cool, right! Oh, I wish I had a harem! Must make Naruto act like me, so my poor low self-esteem can feel like I actually could get laid, but regretfully, the only thing I have introduced to my manhood is my own hand! Well, not that regretfully, it does feel good...yeah...oh yeah..."
(You can probably guess what this guy is doing now)
"Wahey! Wahey! Honk! Honk! Bingo! Bingo!"
(At least you just have to hear him and not see him)
Title: Unforgiven! (It's not even a word, despite what Metallica or Clint Eastwood say.)
Summary: Naruto won't forgive Konoha for hurting him! He'll have revenge! Harem!
Genre: Angst/Romance
Chapter 1.
"GAH! ARGH! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!" screamed Naruto. He pointed at the villagers. "ON YOU! AND YOU! AND YOU!"
"Naruto, are you feeling alright?" said Kakashi.
"YOU BASTARD! YOU NEGLECTED ME!"
Kakashi scratched his head. "Neglected you? Naruto, I'm a ninja, not your guardian or parental figure."
"YOU ALWAYS PICKED SASUKE OVER ME!"
"Now, now, Naruto, I fully explained my reasons in LightningHunter's Parody of Abused Naruto Fics," Kakashi said, shaking his finger for extra emphasis. "And no, this definitely isn't advertisement."
"AND YOU!" He yelled at Sakura. "ALWAYS BITCHING AT ME!"
"I was twelve," protested Sakura. "I was under peer pressure. Besides, I'm not like that anymore."
"AND, ER, YOU AS WELL!"
"Me?" said Jiraiya, looking around. "What the hell do I have to do with anything?"
"FUCK YOU ALL! GAH! I VILL DESTROY DIS VILLAGE!" He screamed, suddenly sounding like a bitter German after losing two-nil in the World Wars.
"You kinda can't."
"NEIN!"
"Naruto!" yelled Tsunade as she broke onto the screen. "What the fuck are you doing?! You're supposed to be doing a mission!"
"YOU VILL ALL PAY-!"
Tsunade grabbed him by his jumpsuit. "What are you on, you brat!? I've had twenty complaints about you today! Damn it, you're going to be helping me with my paperwork for the rest of the week!"
"-eh?"
"Besides, you need practise for being Hokage."
"I SAID I VILL DESTROY DIS VILLAGE! I DON'T VANT TO BE HOKAGE!"
"Of course, of course," Tsunade soothed. "Now, some paperwork will make it all go away."
Next, another crossover parody. This time, to do with 300, instead of Harry Potter. As cool as the film was, it just doesn't work with Naruto. Fortunately, people don't write them anymore, but those crappy fics that came out when I saw them- urgh.
Observe in this careful documentary.
"I need popularity! I know, I'll make a crossover!" decided a random author. "Let's see, ah yes, 300! Why not!? There have been plenty of morons who have got away with it, why not me as well?"
Title: Naruto, Spartan Warrior! (actually, this is probably a better title then most Naruto/300 crossovers)
Summary: Naruto is descended from Spartans, blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, you've read it before.
Genre: Adventure
Chapter 1
"Naruto!" said Hiruzen (this is the first name of the Sandaime by the way). "You are Yondy's son, blah blah blah, descended from Spartans, blah blah blah, take this spear, helmet and shield and go out and look cool!"
-INSERT TRAINING MONTAGE-
Naruto made a bunch of Clones and used them to block up the pass. Ninja began approaching in the distance.
-INSERT QUOTES FROM 300-
Meanwhile, in the real world.
The author was suddenly punched by LightningHunter.
"What is wrong with you!?" demanded LH. "You want to see what'd happen if Spartans met ninja, eh? Well, have a look!"
The charging ninja suddenly disappeared from view.
The 299 Clones (and a Naruto) looked around, before they were suddenly attacked from beneath by nin using Earth Release jutsu.
And then ninja surrounded them, pelting them with shuriken.
"Hey, this ain't fair!" complained Naruto.
A ninja shrugged. "We're shinobi, pal. We don't just charge in and attack, we sneak about, get in there and kill you any way we can. We're not retards like you Spartans."
"Cowardice!" Naruto bristled.
"What does it matter, dude? You're the only one left."
Naruto looked around, before raising his spear, and charging, babbling some nonsense about Sparta and all that.
The ninja looked around. They were ninja and way faster then this, so it looked like Naruto was running in slow-motion.
He had enough to time to both pick his nose and scratch his arse before he killed Naruto.
"Wow, I never thought of it like that!" said the author.
"You see now? About these Spartan crossovers?" asked LH.
"Yeah! I should have just done a Harry Potter crossover!"
The author turned back to his computer, deleting the 300 stuff, and filling it with Harry Potter stuff.
LightningHunter sighed as he took out his mighty weapon, but not in that way.
Let's address something people. Most when they write their usual crappy bullshitty fics always write that Naruto hates the pain, the people, the usual shit.
What'd really make it hilarious would be Naruto if he was masochist. Sort of like Grey Fox when he fought Snake back in MGS1.
"Oh yeah! Hurt me! A lot! Please!" yelled Naruto in glee, as he lay on the ground amidst broken beer bottles which always seem to magically appear in these fics.
The crowd stopped their beating.
"What?" said one man, sure he had misheard that filthy demon brat thing.
"I'm so fucking crazy! Hurt me! Hurt me!" Naruto pretty much bounced around, smashing his face into walls and windows.
"Let's get out of here!" The crowd then proceeded to piss off (but not in that way), leaving Naruto behind.
"Hey, a ramen stand..."
Now, that would make a good bit of comedy. Or maybe a Naruto who sort of took everything in his stride.
"So, catch the game last night?" Naruto said in between punches.
The man currently pummelling his face stopped. "Oh yeah, good game that. I suppose you missed it, what with us breaking your tv again."
"Ah, it's fine, it's fine, continue," said Naruto, and the man continued punching him in the face.
The guy beating him in the gut suddenly began talking. "This is what you get for squealing, squealer!" he said in a 1930's gangster accent.
"Do what?" said Naruto.
"Sorry, you kinda get into the feeling of things," the guy apologised.
"What the hell man?" said face-puncher. "You broke me out of my frickin' rhythm, but not in that way!"
"Yeah, tell me about it!" said the bloke attacking Naruto's feet.
"What, the game?" said face-puncher confusedly.
"I'm sorry," apologised gut-beater.
"What for?" Naruto asked confusedly.
Feet-attacker scratched his head. "...What's actually going on?"
"Why don't we just resume the whole beating thing, but not in that way," said Naruto.
"Good idea!" said face-puncher. "Er...where we we?"
"Well, you face-puncher, was about to uppercut me in the chin. Gut-beater was about to go for the liver, and feet attacker was going to go for a shin kick."
"Oh, alright, thanks!" said face-puncher, uppercutting Naruto in the chin.
You know, something like that.
Now, we've seen it. The whole pairings problems. So many of them seem so fucking similar now.
Naruto and Sakura always looks something like:
"OMG! Naruto, I never loved Sasuke at all, it was you!"
"Okay! Let's have sex!"
Or something like:
"I can't believe I got into a relationship with Sasuke! Naruto, I loved you, I just couldn't express it!"
"Okay! Let's have sex!"
Naruto and Hinata looks like:
"Naruto-kun, I love you! I just never had the guts because I'm frickin' useless!"
"Wow, you're actually pretty! And seeing as I'll go for anyone who supported me, despite that you stalked me to the point of being disturbing, or that you supported me from the shadows where it means fuck all, let's go and change the Hyuuga Clan or leave Konoha! Okay! Let's have sex!"
Or as it is now.
"Naruto-kun, I love you! And Pain's about to kill me!"
"Wait, why do I have to save you? You'd get magically revived anyway, proving once and for all that Kishimoto is a massive pussy. Oh, right, because this fanfic author threw a hissy fit on how I lay here and did nothing while you got hit even though I kind of have swords stuck through my arms."
"..."
"Okay! Let's have sex!"
...Sorry for going off track, back to pairings.
Even less common pairings are becoming more and more similar! For example-
Naruto and Temari:
Most of the time it seems they're just throwing in a scene with overprotective brothers, and some crap about Temari accepting Naruto because she's used to someone with a demon, and there you go.
Naruto and Tenten:
Include a scene as Tenten who works at a weapons shop. That's all you need in one of those. Seriously. Oh, and for some reason they like to make Tenten into a flirty character, who does a lot of initiating. And I mean a lot of initiating. You can throw in Neji bashing. And some Gai/Lee scenes but not in that way, I meant with all the hugging and shit and not in that way.
Naruto and Anko:
Some shit about both of them being turned away by the villagers, and throw in a lot of angst shit about "demon brats" and "snake bitches" and there you go. Also make Anko obsessed with sex, and the old hiding behind a mask horseshit (The common phrase is bullshit, but I'm so original I'll say this instead.) You can make Orochimaru show up for some strange reason, but not that reason.
Naruto and Kurenai:
Stuff about Naruto being interested in older women, usually with Kurenai teaching Naruto in some way. Include some poetry about Kurenai's eyes, and there you go. Throw in Team 8 getting the shock of their life- hell, virtually everyone getting shocked, Kurenai's about fourteen years older than Naruto, and you can put in some Asuma bashing, or just make him more obsessed with cigarettes than love.
I'm too bored by pairings now. Let's end this pairings section with some yaoi bashing.
"OMG!" cried an author (thirteen, schoolgirl, and downright fangirl). "Naruto and Sasuke look so hot, OMG, like so, like awesome, totally!" (It's actually quite a good idea to imagine this author speaking with one of those stereotypical bitchy American schoolgirl voices. Doesn't really work with any other voice) "Like, I know! I'll go and write an obscene number of yaoi fics about them! Oh wait, another damn Internet survey!"
"Do you think women are better then men, and why?" asked the survey.
"Yes, because women don't get turned on by thinking about two members of the opposite gender," wrote the schoolgirl, before getting on with writing her male-male fic.
Her door opened, and I'm sure you're expecting LightningHunter to appear and kill her.
Wrong.
Instead, there was half a ton of explosives.
Pinned to all the Semtex was a note stating: "Have a nice day."
My lawyer has been released from prison, and he says that I have to tell you that the last scene does not indicate anything about whether men or women are superior. I fully believe they are equal, but it is mildly annoying about how many times I hear that certain argument after knowing what people write in fanfiction, and yes, in that way.
Now, time for LightningHunter's Request Centre, where we make your dreams come true, but not in that way.
Okay, hello, Megaolix. What was it?
Harem fics and Naruto having sex at twelve, oh wait, we can have fun with this one:
"Naruto!" yelled girl 1. "You're not getting hard enough!"
"I haven't gone through puberty yet!" yelled Naruto "I still think you all have cooties!"
"Then why are you sleeping with us?!" shouted girl 2.
"I don't know!" Naruto cried. "We're in a shit fic people, work with me!"
"We would, but you can't get hard enough! Look at it, it's miniscule!" said girl 3.
"Oh, that's a bit harsh! Here am I, my trousers round my ankles, I've somehow managed to hit girl 4 in the eye with the condom- which by the way is never present in fanfics, are we trying to advertise unprotected sex, STDs and teenage pregnancies- she's still crying, and you three are still complaining that I can't get big enough! I'm not even sure if I can have a proper orgasm yet! Well, sorry, but I haven't gone through puberty! Sorry my voice hasn't broken yet! Sorry that I've got no hair on my balls! Sorry-!"
The door suddenly burst open.
"Ah ha! I thought so!" It was the coppers, the old bill, the bobbies- well, the police. "Look at this! It's a camp of paedophiles!"
"What?" said Naruto and girls 1 to 4.
"Look at this! Each and everyone of you is currently intimately involved with an under-age child! It'll be the slammer for this, you'll be in the clink, doing porridge- well, you'll be going to jail!"
"But, we are under-age already!"
"Exactly! You're nicked, you're banged up, you're all arrested. Oh, and you have the right to remain silent."
My lawyer is no longer high, and so he would like to apologise for the references to child molestation in the last bit. Even though the joke was that children were being arrested for "molesting" other children.
Next, Son of the Morning.
Where the village learns of Naruto's heritage and all of a sudden apologises and adores him.
"Shh, he's here!" whispered the villagers, looking down the road.
It was Naruto.
Instantly, the sun came up, rainbows appearing, and women started crying "I'm pregnant through his eyes, but not in that way!"
Naruto approached a fruit stall.
"Er, hi, I need-"
"Great Namikaze-sama, son of the great Yondaime! How might I serve you! And might I say that I am most humbled by your presence here! And might I say that orange is a most fetching colour on you sir!"
"Er, okay, yeah, I just want to buy a banana-"
"Here, take them all!" yelled the vendor, handing over an entire crate of bananas.
"Actually, I can't afford-"
"They're all on the house! It is nothing compared for what you have done for us!"
"Yeah, well, I can't carry-"
Several blokes suddenly appeared, all lifting up the crate. "We'll help you, great Namikaze-sama!"
"Look, I only wanted a damn banana! One! Singular! One!"
"Oh, forgive us, Namikaze-sama!" They dropped the crate, and dropped to their knees, bowing.
Naruto just took a banana, peeling it open from the top.
"Great Namikaze-sama, you're not opening the banana the correct way! Allow us to aid you!"
"Look, just fuck off!"
"Fuck?" They questioned. "Oh, if you are having carnal desires, my child, please feel free to screw anyone in the village you like! Even us, we won't talk!"
"The hell?!" Naruto's eyes had almost jumped out of their sockets. "Look, I'm just a normal guy!"
"He is so humble, our great Namikaze-sama!" all the villagers cried, approaching.
"Huh- wait, get away from me-!"
Naruto was suddenly hoisted up on a villager's shoulders as they began holding a parade in Naruto's honour.
"Namikaze-sama, will you marry me?"
"Namikaze-sama, should I stop taking drugs?"
"Namikaze-sama, what do you have to say about the recession?"
"Namikaze-sama, will you promote one of the many shit movies made by Disney?"
"Fuck's sake, piss off!" screamed Naruto, kicking the villagers away. "What the hell's the matter with you people? All this bollocks about me being some kind of god, and-"
"Namikaze-sama, you are god as well? I could only have expected so!"
"Fuck off!"
My lawyer's hangover has finished, so he would like to me say that new Disney movies are not shit due to the fact they are very rich. Very rich. Much more richer than me.
.rettihs gnitteg tsuj era seivom rieht hguoht nevE
Now, time for Tenshi's-Wings.
The parody of weird illogical fics where character A gets raped by character B but decides they are in love with character B. Or where character A escapes/gets rescued, undergoes no/minimal trauma/ mental anguish, and hops into bed with character C for comfort sex.
The first one sounds easier to parody.
Let's think of an unlikely pairing that might be used as character A and B.
Rape fics I usually avoid altogether, as I feel most the authors just can't write about the pain that the victims undergo. It really sickens me when people make rape such an important point, but just can't capture the reality.
But what sickens me even more is that you get a lot of rape fics that are used to create yaoi love.
Ergh.
Seriously, why would anyone rape people, prostitution and masturbation was invented for a reason. But anyway-
So, the unlikely duo of character A and B will be made from Hinata and Suigetsu. These two characters were chosen completely by random. Well, the first pair was Kisame and Tsunade, but that was too weird even for me.
So, misc. author (let's call him Bob) tries to write rape fic.
Title: Suigetsu rapes Hinata
Summary: One day, Suigetsu got hammered and felt a bit horny, so found Hinata and raped her. Hinata can't help but fall in love with him.
Genre: Angst/Romance (Jeez, I can feel my brain melt as I read over this)
By Bob.
Chapter 1.
Suigetsu got very drunk. Yes he did.
"God, I've got the mother of boners!" he yelled at his teammates, doing a pelvic thrust to show them the severity of the situation.
"Fuck off!" said Juugo.
"Fuck off!" said Karin.
"Really, how big- wait, I mean fuck off!" said Sasuke.
Suigetsu sighed and began looking for an unsuspecting victim. He suddenly found himself a thousand miles away from wherever he had been, in Konoha.
He was in a dark alley, and he saw Hinata walk down the road. He quickly grabbed her and pulled her into an abandoned house.
"W-W-What a-a-are y-y-you d-d-doing?" said Hinata with the mother of stutters.
"I'm gonna fuck you, softly, I'm gonna screw you gently, I'm gonna hump you- sweetly, I'm gonna ball you- discreetly!"
"H-H-Huh?"
"Well, not really. Instead, I'm gonna fuck you HARD!"
-INSERT GRAPHIC RAPE SCENE-
-INSERT AFTERMATH WHERE HINATA DOES A BIT OF CRYING, SITS IN A HOSPITAL WARD, MAYBE GETS PREGNANT-
"Oh S-S-Suigetsu, S-S-S-uigetsu, h-h-h-ow I l-l-long f-f-for y-y-you," sang Hinata, with that ever persistent stutter.
"Er, Hinata, didn't he kind of rape you?" asked Tsunade, confused.
"It d-d-doesn't m-m-matter," answered Hinata. "I l-l-love h-h-him!"
Tsunade looked puzzled, before dismissing it. She was there to maintain physical health, and was only supposed to deal with mental health if there had been a genjutsu. Besides, this way Hinata might not kill herself, like some rape victims did.
"S-S-Suigetsu, I l-l-love y-y-you!" shouted Hinata, having found the crazy nutter.
"Who the hell are you?" answered Suigetsu.
Remember, he'd been drunk when he raped her.
Hinata started sobbing. "D-D-Don't y-y-you r-r-remember o-o-our n-n-night of p-p-passion?"
"Goddamn it, speak properly!" yelled Suigetsu, shaking her by the shoulders.
"Y-Y-You e-e-even g-g-got me p-p-pregnant!"
"What?!" shouted Suigetsu, taking a few steps back. "Wait, you're that girl I raped one random day."
"Y-Y-Yeah!"
"Stop that, it's really annoying! Anyway, it looks like I'll have to resort to drastic measures."
"W-W-What?"
"Run away! You'll never find me! Wahey, I'm off!"
Suigetsu disappeared, but Sasuke appeared.
"You dared to touch my Getsu-kun!" said Sasuke in a high-pitched voice. "I'm going to murder you!"
My lawyer has finished disposing of a prostitute's body, and would now like me to tell you that we do not intend to endorse the murdering of pregnant women. Or rape.
Speculation Time:
Another theory on how to mpreg works. I have always avoided such fics, so I have no idea how it's portrayed, but this could be how it works.
The doctor walked into the room, adopting his bedside manner.
"Good news is you've had a baby. The bad news- you've blown your cock off."
And that's all from Speculation Time today.
Now, there's also been a new rise. Well, not new, it's just that I haven't mentioned it before.
Making Naruto into the world's biggest dick.
Now, let's face it; you can do anti-heroes or Byronic heroes with levels of dickerry. But it eventually gets to a point when you realise- hang on, this is an actual villain protagonist we're reading about, who's far away from the bumbling orange-clad nut we all know and ...insert whatever word you like here.
I can't mention any titles, for obvious reasons, but you've seen them.
Just about every Naruto will destroy Konoha fic falls under this.
As does the majority of Dark! Fics.
Some fics write this incredibly well, with unclear moralities, when the world is not black and white, but in complete grey, and the hero is hard to tell- aw, who am I kidding, there's only about one real fic that does this incredibly well, it's Lost Soul by LD1449.
The other writers just tend to be writing a dick because they love dick.
That's a stupid pun, but I just wanted to use it, as of ten seconds ago when I was writing this bit.
Now, you see, when Naruto's swearing like a sailor, he shows no mercy, he massacres hundreds, he cares for barely anyone (apart from his wives (yes, these fics tend to have harems) who pretty much act like slaves to him (but the writer will try and disguise this by making them try and make cool collected comments, giggling, occasionally making them call him a pervert and other random shit), and he tends to dress like motherfucking Sauron.
Surely, there's got to be some point when someone else in the fic gets it into their heads that "hey, wtf? Isn't this guy- the bad guy?"
These fics also tend to have nice Kyuubi, who acts like a mentor, or passes on his title. I mean, come on. All the other characters can be open to interpretation- but the Kyuubi is generally one of the greatest forces of evil shown in Naruto.
There's not one moment when he has shown anything but hatred for the human race, and every one of his major actions are motivated towards his survival and/or freedom.
Changing this is the greatest act of injustice- its fanfiction, we have to follow rules people, it's not our imagination we've been using; we're stealing other people's characters here! What's the point in writing a fanfiction if nothing about it is similar to the actual fiction, just the names of places and people?
I mean, Elementary. What is the real one thing that has been changed there? Naruto is intelligent, essentially. A few more minor things along the way, but you know what they say, a butterfly flapping its wings the wrong way can end up with an earthquake somewhere. And the thing is about that, is that Naruto has clearly turned into this after years.
Making him turn into a massive dick after one incident that happens about five minutes into the fic is not how it works. Making people kick the shit out of him, okay. I can understand you might want to make that the real one thing to change, but then how does that usually work, abusing a kid? It turns them into submissive people when they're older, or abusive dicks themselves. So yeah, actually, good work on that, the latter happens all the time.
Well, sorry to go all serious on you guys.
Since I've made rape out to be horrible, why not think of the funny side? Imagine Pakkun the dog raping Tonton the pig. That's hilarious.
Hm. Seems like I spent quite a lot of time being too serious today. Well, that may have actually been the worst chapter.
But you know, this really is the end now. No more. The end. Stop asking me for new chapters.
Sure, douchery will go on forever, but I can only do so for so long. As well as that, I barely read Naruto fanfiction anymore anyway, so I'm not really in tune with the modern fanfiction world.
You kids these days and your loud music, and your Minato Namikaze instead of Arashi Kazama, and your Hiruzen Sarutobi instead of Sarutobi, and your names for the First Two Hokages, and your rapping demon containers, and your fancy site traffic system and your DocX and having inboxes on the site...(shake fist dramatically).
Well, LightningHunter's Parody is over.
"And that's the end of that story," said LightningHunter, closing the book as he leaned back in his chair. "Now get the fuck out of my house."