What's a Heaven For?
(with apologies to Robert Browning)
CJ, Danny, Josh, Donna, Sam, OMCs, OFCs
Rating Adult
Spoilers through end of series; may also contain things that will end up in future chapters of "Holding Hands on the Way Down"
Not mine, never were, never will be, but they consume my soul
Feedback and criticism always welcomed
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Gemini constellation, Earth timemark June 15, 2013
Ted Williams hit a line drive past first base. Roberto Clemente neatly fielded the ball and threw it to Danny Concannon at first base, who caught it, tagged the base, turned, and threw to Jackie Robinson at second. Babe Ruth was a second too late. Double Play! Yes!
Team Press won 9-8. Now this is fantasy baseball! Billy Price, Ernie Pyle, and the others all high-fived each other. (Of course, Simon Donovan, Molly O'Connor and the other members of Team Secret Service were also high-fiving each other; in their fantasy, Ted and the Babe had scored and they won the game.)
Danny walked over to the stand where his boys and Pistol were sitting with Brianna, Hugh, and Jemmie. (How did they manage, he wondered. Ah well, that was between the three of them and God.) The boys gave him high fives. (Danielle was having tea with Diana, Princess of Wales and Grace, Her Serene Highness the Princess of Monaco.)
"You play good for a white boy."
He turned around to see a black woman (he had no idea of her nationality, so he wasn't about to call her "African-American") of medium height, with high cheekbones and chocolate eyes. She looked vaguely familiar, but then, there were so many people in heaven that he knew (or knew of.)
"Hi, Alicia!" Damian (at least, he was pretty sure it was Damian, the one with the cowlick that bent to the left) greeted the woman.
Alicia. Paul's wife. He remembered her from the pictures. Now that he looked closer, he could see in her the features of the face of her daughter.
"Shouldn't you be calling her Mrs. Reeves?" Danny asked the boy.
"Danny, lad, there are no titles in heaven!" Brianna laughed, "Well, except for the Big Three, to be sure."
He held out his hand, then took it back. "I'm sorry, I'm all sweaty and grimy. I need to shower, change - " He suddenly caught a whiff of soap, of a light cologne, and saw that he was in a neatly pressed pair of khaki shorts, a blue shirt, and sandals. Oh, yeah, up here, wishing made it so. He offered his hand again. "I'm sorry I didn't ask about you yet, I just - "
The woman grabbed him in a hug. He caught a scent of one of the perfumes that Erin and all her friends wore when they were teenagers. Not "Ambush", the other one, the one they referred to by the brand name, some French-sounding name. "I know, you just got out of Time Out a couple of days ago, you're still catching up. And a handshake won't do it. Paul did ask you to look out for me, didn't he?"
Heaven was nothing like what the nuns and priests said it would be like.
When he finally let go, releasing CJ's hand, back in February, and Pistol came bounding out of the clouds, he first met his sons, then the daughter they never knew had been conceived. His parents were there to greet him, and he met CJ's mother and father. Leo, Fitz, and Mrs. Landingham joined the group around him.
Then Mariah came to him and took him to meet her Boy. After some time of being bathed in the warmth and the light, he thought to ask about St. Peter and the list of sins.
"Don't be worrying about that just now," he was told.
For the next few weeks, he alternated between the sheer joy of being in heaven with his old friends and family and the pain of witnessing the sorrow of those he left behind.
He played poker with Ben Franklin, H.L. Mencken, Ernie Pyle, and Mark Twain. He argued politics with Plato, Machiavelli, Richelieu, and Disraeli.
He could watch everything that was happening back on earth. He got to attend his own funeral and was touched by the many tributes paid to him. He saw Sam and Josh break down in each other's arms after Jed Bartlet's eulogy.
He saw Paddy curled up with the toy dog Danny had bought him just before Christmas, his head in little Maggie's lap, tears staining his sleeping face, his thumb in his mouth.
He saw CJ, his beloved CJ, as gracious and dignified as royalty, or a Kennedy, in public, but breaking down each night when she was alone.
He hurt for Erin when his sister wailed as if she had been possessed by a banshee, when not even the strong arms of her beloved Robin could bring her solace.
And whenever it seemed that things were getting to be too much for CJ, he was able to go down to her, whisper his love into her ear, brush a kiss against her lips, and stroke her hair.
Then, when it was March first on earth, St.Peter came for him. "Danny, it's time."
It was like going to Confession, except that instead of talking with a priest representing God, you were confessing to God Himself. He found himself remembering every time he was cruel, or mean, or thoughtless, or selfish. He remembered every time he could have been kinder or gentler, every time he could have helped but didn't.
"So now what happens?"
"You go off for a while, by yourself, and think about it. You won't be able to be with anyone here and you won't be able to visit there. Let's say, until it's your birthday on earth."
"So Purgatory is basically a time out?"
God laughed.
February-early June, 2013 Santa Monica CA
She managed okay for a few weeks after the funeral. The only thing that seemed out of the ordinary to those caring for her, caring about her, was the sheets.
After the funeral home had taken Danny's body, she was crying so hard, she began retching. Diana and Donna took her into the bathroom and helped her clean up. When they returned to the bedroom, they sat her in the chair and began to change the bed.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" she screamed, jumping out of the chair. "Don't touch that bed!"
Her screams brought Josh, Frank, and Paul into the bedroom.
"What is it, CJ?" Paul put his arm around her.
"Don't let them change the bed!"
"No, sweetheart, no one's going to touch the bed except you." He looked at the women.
"Paul, this is a - " Diana pointed helplessly at the bed. A dying body is not exactly the neatest, cleanest thing in the world and the bed was stained and foul-smelling.
"She doesn't want the bed touched. Don't touch it."
"But, Paul," Donna chimed in. "She can't - "
"Donna, Diana, she can do whatever she wants, not do whatever she doesn't want. Please. None of you," he looked at the others "have lost a spouse. You don't know what she's going through. I do. If she wants the bed left as it is, leave the bed as it is."
"Don't let them touch it," CJ sobbed into his chest.
"Nobody's going to touch the bed, CJ". He sat down on the chair, pulled her into his lap. The two couples looked at him, looked at each other, and left the room.
"Locks," CJ said, lifting her head from his shoulder. "I need to get locks, keep them out!"
"Sweetheart, now that they know, I don't think they'll try to - "
"Locks!" she screamed.
"Okay, I'll get locks."
And after she fell into a fitful sleep, he managed to ease himself out from underneath her, and arranged for a locksmith to put keyed locks on both bedroom doors and the door to the patio. He gave her the keys, not telling her that he kept a set for himself and had sets made for Hank and Steve and for Frank and Diana.
After the funeral, when her brothers had returned to their homes, when Josh and Donna were needed in Washington, when Robin had taken his grieving wife back to Ireland, she appeared to be okay. She cared for Paddy and Caitlin. She answered questions about "Road to a Better World" for Franklin Hollis, who was taking charge until he could find a new CEO. She wrote long hand letters of thanks for every sympathy card, for every floral arrangement, for every Mass bequest, for every donation to the Daniel Concannon Memorial Scholarship at Notre Dame.
The only times she cried were when she was alone with Paul and when she was alone in the bed still made with the sheets on which Danny had last held her, last told her he loved her.
Then, at the beginning of March, she went into a tailspin.
Paul had gone back to DC for a few days to pack up his things in the parsonage and put them in storage. When he returned, Diana told him that CJ wasn't answering the phone or the door.
"When Hank finally got into the house this morning, well, the kids were clean and fed, but there was trash spilling out of the cans, dirty dishes all over the place, Caitlin's dirty diapers were just piled up on the nursery floor, she looks and smells as if she hasn't seen hairbrush, toothbrush, or washcloth in some time. I don't think she's been drinking, but neither do I think she's been eating. We asked her if we could take the kids, and she said 'Whatever'. If you hadn't been coming back today, we probably would have done something by force, but Frank suggested we wait for you."
He went to the house and let himself into the dwelling. He found her in the bedroom, crouched on the bed, holding some of Danny's things (She hadn't let them empty the hamper or touch the towels in the master bath, either.)
"CJ?"
"Are you going to tell me I need to get a grip on myself like everyone else has? That I have responsibilities to my children? Then get the hell out, just like I told them!"
"No, I'm not, CJ. Remember, I'm the one that abandoned my grieving kids to their aunt and ran halfway around the world because I hurt so much. I'm not going to make you do anything." He sat on the bed next to her. "There's no right way or wrong way to grieve. You do what you want to do, feel you have to do. Diana and Frank were right to take the kids, because those two little ones are the only responsibility you have, other than yourself, and if doing this alone is what you need, then it's what's best for them. You just sit here and talk or cry or do nothing at all and I'll just keep you company. But while you're just sitting here, why don't I brush your hair for you. Nothing fancy, just let me brush it. It might make you feel a little more comfortable." And he sat beside her, brushing her hair until she fell into a fitful sleep.
He was fairly sure what the next phase would be and called to the Muñoz house, asking that someone bring over his suitcase and an air mattress or a sleeping bag, if they had one. He changed into a pair of shorts and a T-shirt, got a washcloth and a small pan of water, and a book. He heated some chicken broth and put it in an insulated cup. He sat in the bedroom chair, read, and waited for her to wake.
She woke up, crying and moaning. He came to the bed and just held her, making no effort to stop her sobbing.
When the tears stopped and she began to rub her eyes, he lifted her chin. "I bet your eyes are sore. Why don't I put some cool water on them?" And he gently washed her eyes and the rest of her face with the cloth he had prepared.
"Maybe you'd like a drink a bit of this?" He held the cup of broth to her lips and got her to drink about 6 ounces of the warm liquid. She fell back into a fitful sleep.
Three hours later, she woke and moaned as she tried to stretch. "Hurts," she murmured.
"I bet the hot tub would feel good on those muscles. Would you like to use it?"
At her nod, he helped her to her feet, walked her to the courtyard, and helped her into the spa. Her nightgown billowed up about her in the foaming water.
"Why don't I rub your neck?" He knelt behind her and gently massaged her shoulders.
"Gotta pee."
"Then go ahead."
"In here?" He thought he heard a repressed giggle.
"Why not?"
"Okay."
After a while, he helped her back to the bedroom.
"Why don't you take off that wet nightgown and put on this terrycloth robe?"
He knew that there was a sedative prescription in the medicine cabinet, but he had no idea if she had drunk anything or taken anything, so he knew he had to wait for a while.
He helped her into the bed again and when she fell asleep, he lay down on the air mattress and nodded off.
He woke to her screaming. "Damn you, Danny! Why have you left me? Damn you! Damn you! Damn you!"
"That's it, sweetheart, scream it out. Just scream it out, scream it out." He held her and rocked her back and forth.
Later, when she was cried out, she began to talk.
"At first, it was, well, not okay, but bearable, because I could still sense him being around, could almost hear him, almost feel him. But about a week ago, that stopped. He's no longer here, he's really gone. I don't know if I was going crazy before or if I'm going crazy now, but there's a difference."
"I know. It was the same for me. And others have described the same thing."
Danny realized that the real pain of Purgatory was knowing that your loved ones were hurting and you couldn't do anything about it; in a sense, they were paying for your sins.
"So you just get used to it, eventually?" CJ looked up at Paul.
"For me, I kind of got used to it after about a month after I thought she was no longer around. Then two months after that, one day, it was as if her spirit was around me again. For others, the feeling that the spirit has returned comes back before they have a chance to get used to it."
"So what do I do?"
"What do you want to do?"
"Nothing. I want to do nothing."
"Then it's nothing. Except, sweetheart, you might feel just a bit better if you brush your teeth?" He saw her shake her head. "Okay, then you don't have to."
For the next three days, he coddled her, giving her soup (and a peppermint tea that helped with halitosis), brushing her hair, and holding her when she cried. He couldn't get her into the shower, but he did get her into the hot tub again the second day. After the first day, he was able to give her the sedatives in the evening, and she slept through the night. She began to cry a little less and when she began to talk about Danny, he listened and encouraged her to talk more.
On the fourth day, she asked him, "So, were you as over the top as I am?"
"First of all, like I said, there are no rules, there is no expected behavior, but, yes, I was as hurt as you."
"Did you have someone to help you like you're helping me?"
"One of yours, a Maryknoll missionary brother."
The next day, she asked about the kids and wanted to see them
"I'm sure that Paddy is really missing you, but don't you think you should clean up a little, maybe a shower, put on some clothes? You don't want to frighten the little guy."
"Yeah, and this place is a mess."
While she was in the bath, he called Diana and let her know that he would be bringing CJ over to see the kids. As far as having them back in the house, they would play it by ear, see how she felt.
He walked with her up the street, left her with Diana, then returned to the house. He called Steve and Steve called Clara, Yan, Aviva, and Jessica. The six of them cleaned the kitchen, family room, living room, dining room, Paddy's room, and the nursery. They didn't touch Danny's den, the bedroom, or the master bath.
That night, CJ brought the kids back to the house. She put a portable crib and an air mattress in Paddy's room and slept there with the kids, using the master bedroom only as a dressing room and as a place for cry for Danny.
Clara's daughter was hospitalized and needed long-term care, so Clara went to stay with her. She asked Paul to housesit; he wanted to pay rent. They worked out an arrangement whereby he paid the utilities.
He spent time with CJ and the children, taking walks on the beach, taking the kids to the playground, mowing the lawn, helping with some household emergencies. He was with her, held her hand when things got rough, like dealing with the lawyers, filing the tax return, arranging for a new headstone on the grave. He dealt with the scam artists who tried to convince her that her late husband did indeed order several thousand dollars' worth of magazines, "exclusive" mint issues, vitamins, and a special family Bible. "Now why would a practicing Irish Catholic order a King James Version?" he asked the con man. "You really should do a better job of checking out your victims. The police have been notified. Now leave."
Easter came early that year, March 31, and he went with her to the Vigil services (and left with her when she broke down during the reading from Romans).
In late April, she began to attend a few social things, lunch with the women. Paul took her to the movies and to dinner one night a week.
In early May, Paddy came to him with $6.57 ("It's everything in my piggy") and asked for help in buying a card and some flowers for Mother's Day.
On May 12, Paddy handed her the card and the three carnations. "Mama, these are from me and Caitlin." (Paul told him that as a big brother, he should include his baby sister since she was too little to have any money or to talk.) Then he handed her a jewelry box. "And Uncle Josh told me to tell you this was from me and her." The box contained a gold choker.
She put the carnations in a vase on the kitchen table and the card on the refrigerator. She put the choker in her jewelry box; she never wore it.
In the middle of the month, Paul said he was going to see his son in Seattle for a few days. His daughter would also be there with her twin and they hadn't seen each other since Christmas. He asked Hank, Steve, Frank, and Diana to keep an extra eye out for her.
"Derrick, Deborah, helping her has really brought back how hard it was when your mother died, and how I just abandoned the two of you with your aunt. I really need to apologize for that. Yes, she was my wife and I was devastated, but you were, you are, my children and I owed it to you, to her, to be your father. Please forgive me."
"Paul, beloved, remember what you told her. There are no rules, there is no set code of behavior. Please forgive yourself." She bent down to kiss the three most important people in her life as they cried in each other's arms.
In late May, CJ moved back into her bedroom and moved Caitlin back into the nursery. But she still didn't change the sheets on the bed.
Although Danny had been given his degree and his hood at the ceremony in December, he was also honored at the main end of academic year ceremonies at USC for his academic achievements and she accepted the honors on behalf of her children.
Clara returned and Paul found a small apartment nearby, although Clara was more than willing to have him stay with her. ("I have plenty of room.") The local Disciples of Christ community learned of his presence in town and he was offered a position as summer replacement for a minister who was going to summer school in Canada.
On Danny's birthday, she visited the grave that held his ashes and the twins' bodies. "I miss you terribly, Danny Concannon. Paul says that after a while, I'll sense you again. I hope that's soon."
"I'm here, my darling. I had to be away for a while. I'm not allowed to explain where I was but I'll always be here for you and the kids, I'll always love you, be thinking of you. Now, don't you think it's time you did away with that shrine you've made of our bed linen?"
That evening, she changed the bed. She didn't put the used sheets or the used bath towels in the wash. Instead, she packed them away in a box and put the box in the bottom drawer of the dresser.
Gemini constellation, Earth timemark June 15, 2013
They walked away from the ball field as two other teams (Team Nuns and Team Strippers) began to play.
"There's ballroom dancing over by Saturn. How does that sound?" Brianna asked.
"Sounds good to me." Danny looked down and saw that he was now wearing a white dinner jacket and tuxedo pants.
"Me, too." The pink shorts and blouse set that Alicia was wearing was replaced by midnight blue palazzo pants and white off-the-shoulder blouse.
"Sure thing," Hugh and Jem chorused. They were dressed similarly to Danny.
"Then, we're off!" Brianna's kelly green cocktail dress looked stunning on her.
"We're going to the hamburger stand!" The twins waved to the adults. Recognizing the word "hamburger", Pistol went with the boys.
June 15, 2013 Santa Monica CA
It was Paul's birthday and CJ was taking him to a play in Malibu and then late dinner at a restaurant owned by Nancy's brother Emilio.( "To thank you for everything you've done for me.") She was looking through her closet, trying to decide what to wear. Her eyes settled on the turquoise blue dress she had bought in Rehoboth four summers ago. Remembering the night she wore it to dinner and teased her husband to the end of his patience, the night Danny found the lump in her breast, she decided she wasn't ready to wear that dress. She settled on a black and white sundress with a black cotton lace shawl, black sandals with a medium heel, and silver jewelry. She started to put on the emerald-cut diamond that Danny had bought her for Paddy, then changed her mind.
When he came to fetch her for the drive to Malibu, she asked if they could take the Mustang.
"It's a beautiful night," she said, handing him the keys.
The play was a Restoration comedy and they enjoyed it very much.
"It's good to see you laugh, darling," Danny whispered in her ear.
"Happy birthday, beloved." Alicia brushed Paul's jaw, then turned to Danny. "This is okay, but I think that Nell Gwyn and Larry Olivier did a better job when Brianna, Hugh, Jem and I saw it last month on Mars. Too bad you were still in Time Out."
Dinner at Casa Emilio was excellent. The service was competent and efficient, but not overbearing. While they were lingering over coffee and after-dinner liqueurs, CJ excused herself and headed toward the rest room. On the way back, she stopped to speak with the maître d' and settled the bill. She knew that Paul would not be comfortable with her paying in the main room in the presence of the other diners; he tried to fight it, but he had always been a bit of a chauvinist. But not in an offensive way, she quickly said to herself, just sometimes a little frustrating. Like Danny.
Driving back to Santa Monica, they stopped and walked for a while on the beach.
"It was a wonderful birthday. Thank you very much."
"You've been so wonderful to me. I'm the one who should be thanking you."
She reached up, and, instead of kissing his cheek, she kissed him lightly on the mouth. He responded instinctively with a more intimate kiss, holding her shoulders. Then he pulled away.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have - "
She stopped his words pulling his head to hers, answering his less platonic kiss with one of her own. Then she stroked his cheek.
When they reached her house, he unlocked the door for her and waited while she paid Carmen Muñoz. Telling her to be sure to lock up, he left, walked Carmen to her house, made small talk with her parents for a few minutes, and returned to pick up his car.
Back at his apartment, he pulled out the picture of Alicia and stared at it for a long time, tracing her face.
"It's okay. Remember, I told you that if you found someone, to not hold back because of me. If it happens, I'll dance at your wedding. Happy birthday, my sweet Paul." She ran her fingers through his hair.
CJ and Paul began to spend more time with each other, by themselves and with the children. Paddy snapped out of his regression and wanted to do everything with "Uncle Paul". When Derrick and Deborah came for a long Independence Day weekend, Derrick and Paul took Paddy with them to a Dodgers game ("just the guys") and you would have thought it was Disneyland, Chuck-e-Cheese, and the Muppets all rolled into one. Even when the two men played tennis, they took Paddy with them, gave him the "job" of fetching the balls. ("Mama, I earned five whole green monies! Is Derrick like a cousin?") Deborah was a little more reserved, but she told CJ that she was glad to see her father so happy, "and I'm sure that Mom would be, too."
CJ began to go to the hairdresser again, started again with manicures and pedicures. She bought some new clothes.
Their kisses became more lingering. One rainy evening in late July, sitting at the beach in his car, they realized that they were necking like a pair of teenagers, laughed at themselves for a minute, then returned to the kissing.
That night, Paul again stared at Alicia's picture for a long time. He pulled out the box with the nightgown, the only one he ever bought her. It stopped two inches above her knees and was, in her words, "minimal, functional, and pretty." Several months before the end, it became too painful for her to deal with the tap pants, so she started wearing just the camisole tops. But she was embarrassed about the bruises on her upper thighs from the needles and wanted something to cover them.
He touched the silk, the lace, the ribbons. "Lissy, my Lissy, I will always love you. But I do want to try for this, and I want to do it right." With silent tears, he removed his wedding ring, kissed it, and, using the ribbons, tied it to the nightgown.
As he fell asleep with tears drying on his face, she bent down and kissed his mouth. "And I will always love you. Go to her freely. Seven years is long enough."
In early August, she and the children went to Virginia to spend a week with the Lymans at their home in Widewater Beach. Although they were tending to six children under the age of five, CJ and Donna managed to have several long conversations about their lives.
Donna and Josh were definitely sitting out the '14 election. Donna was one class and one thesis away from her Masters from Georgetown. She and Josh were looking forward to living year-round at the beach. Small town life would be a welcome change after sixteen years in the District. She was beginning to get interested in local politics, especially in the school district and in local environmental issues. Josh was actually thinking about practicing law, and was boning up to take the Virginia bar exam.
Carol and David came down for three days with their little girl. On the second afternoon, Josh and David took the kids (except for Caitlin) for pizza, leaving the women to themselves.
"Donna, Carol, I miss Danny terribly, but now, this week, I find I'm missing Paul," she confessed. "I'm beginning to think that Danny was right, after all. Not that I'm surprised, or anything. He usually was." CJ laughed. "But is it too soon? It's only been six months."
"CJ," Carol replied. "I can only tell you what Danny told me, right before our wedding. Leave it in God's hands, in God's time. Those of us who know and love you, who knew and loved Danny, know that if this happens, it's what Danny wanted for you. Everyone else doesn't matter. Hell, even we don't matter – just you, Paul, and the children."
"He's taken off his wedding ring," CJ looked down at her hands, the baguette band on her left, the claddagh on her right. "That's as much a statement of intention as anything."
"And you?" Donna asked. "What are your thoughts? Have you considered taking that step?"
"I'm weighing it." Then she changed the subject.
"So how's Margaret doing?"
"Examplar of efficiency, as usual. The quintessential working mother."
A week after she returned from Virginia, she woke in the middle of the night with the ache between her legs, the desire so intense it hurt.
As had happened twice since February, she reached for the battery-operated object in the back of the nightstand dresser drawer. But unlike those two times, when she reached as much satisfaction as the gadget could give her, the scream she made in half relief and half frustration was not "Danny!"
When she calmed down, she cried briefly, then got out of bed and grabbed a small scrap of velvet. She made her way to the den.
The room was still Danny's. His laptop was still on the desk, his books, his papers everywhere, his awards on the bookshelves. She looked at the triptych-style picture frame on the desk. The one on the right was a candid one taken of the two of them, the Sunday morning after their wedding. They were walking arm in arm, probably to the breakfast area. They were looking at each other. Her face evinced wonder, his awe. The middle frame held a copy of their wedding portrait. The final picture was something Abbey Bartlet had sent them. Apparently, there was a photographer in the main hall of the library when she, Danny, Toby, Charlie, Kate, and Will met with the President. He had snapped a picture of the two of them looking at each other with total joy on their faces. It must have been just after she had teased Danny about seeing if he could find a picture of Paddy for Abbey's frig.
"I love you, Danny Concannon. I will always love you. But you wanted this, and, as usual, you were right."
She removed her rings, wrapped them in the velvet jewelry bag, and set them on the desk. Later, she would put them somewhere safe, to hold for Paddy's wife – perhaps Maggie, perhaps someone else.
Danny tried hard, and he was able to stomp down the little twinge in his heart.
"It hurts, I know."
Alicia came up and put an arm around his shoulders. He had grown close to the woman in the past two months. They enjoyed doing many things with the boys, with Brianna, Hugh, and Jem, and by themselves. There really wasn't much to "look out for", as Paul had phrased it, in heaven, but he did notice that she seemed a bit more outgoing and lively when she was with him. And he enjoyed being the gentleman, helping her skip over asteroids, holding her hand as they surfed the Aurora Australis, fetching her food and drink at the ubiquitous picnics, barbeques, and cocktail parties.
"It's going to happen; they're going to get together. It's what I wanted; it's what I fought for those last months. So why am I having these feelings?"
"Jealousy?"
"Yes, but not of him with her, not that way. Jealous that I can't be close like that with anyone anymore. There's something missing."
She smiled. "Why don't you come with me? I've got something to show you."
Mystified, he followed her into the Cat's Eye nebula.
"Good, no one's here." She drew him into a little pocket of darkness, surrounded by colorful cloudy mist. Then she began moving in a dancing pattern, something like a hora, but not quite, something like an electric slide, but not quite, sometimes spinning around in a circle, sometimes in a zigzag pattern, but always making a circle around him.
He began to see flashes of color, then he began to see flashes of colors he hadn't seen before, colors beyond ultraviolet, colors beyond infrared, colors between all the colors he had known before. The spectrum of color took on a second, then a third dimension. What had been line became plane, then plane became solid. The circles she danced became smaller in circumference, closer to him.
And he began to move like her, circling her while she circled him. And he began to smell the differences in the colors, to taste the differences, to hear the differences, to feel the differences. He never knew that color could be like this.
Now they were touching, the circles as tight as possible. Their bodies elongated and they began to twist in a spiral, like the two colors of a peppermint stick, like the double helix of DNA. And he was inside her and around her and she was inside him and around him. And they continued to swirl together, higher and higher, closer and closer, tighter and tighter. The colors became brighter, louder, tastier, more tactile, more aromatic. Then everything exploded in total brightness, total color, total light.
"Was that - ?"
"It's called the Swirling Dance. And, yes, it's kind of the equivalent of sex but it really isn't, is it?"
"No,it isn't. But, still - . And you and I?"
"He did tell you to look out for me."
"And it's okay with Them that you and I, uh, Swirled?"
"Everyone's circumstances are different. Look at Hugh, Jem, and Brianna. God makes it work for them, so that she can somehow be with both of them at the same time. She was the one who told me how to start it, the dancing, told me that the rest would just happen. She also said that if history was any indication, you would be very good at it and I think she was right.
"Oops, someone else is coming. We should leave. It's not nice to hog the glade."
They drifted back to the place where they tended to gather, near Sirius in Canis Major. It was the site for Rainbow Bridge. He enjoyed seeing people reunited with their pre-departed companion animals. The kids liked it because they could play with all the animals who were waiting for their people, and with all those who had no people for whom to wait. She liked it because there were always children there with the animals; she enjoyed drawing the kids and the pets.
"So there's only one place where people go to Swirl?"
"Actually, once you get past the first two or three circles, you kind of build your own walls, your own private place. Those little flashes you sometimes see, what on earth we called novas, those are Swirlers when they hit the peak. I was always a very private person, blame it on my mother. Even before we had the twins, I couldn't do things outside of the bedroom. I tried, but Paul could tell I wasn't comfortable and he understood. I guess I'm still shy about – things. Some people have found other secret places, but they keep them to themselves."
"What I was asking before, about it being okay with Them?"
"Danny, we are here and our spouses are still there. Did you ever imagine that heaven would be like this? That we would have what seem to be bodies because that is what we are used to? That we would enjoy the same sort of things, or what appear to be the same sort of things, we enjoyed there?
"You want CJ to be happy. You saw that there was still something between the two of them, something they probably weren't conscious of, something they would not even have dreamed of acting on while she was with you. But something happened; she's no longer with you, I'm no longer with him, and we both want them to have another chance at that happiness. Don't you think that if CJ and Paul knew what happens here, they would want us to be happy? I think They know that CJ and Paul would want us to be happy, and if someone in heaven can't be happy, then what's a heaven for?"
Danny smiled the smile that entranced women, be they in heaven or on earth. "One thing I learned since 1998 is to never argue with a wonderful and beautiful woman when she happens to be right." He pulled her down into one of the stardust cloud beds.
"Danny! People can see!"
Danny Concannon decided that there was still enough of investigative reporter in him; he would find one of those secret places where she would be comfortable with him.
September 1, 2013 Santa Monica CA
Paul was nervous, but he somehow managed to hide it.
Since the end of July, they had become closer, their kisses had become more ardent. It was all he could do to not hold her against him tightly, to not run his hand down the side of her breast, to not pull her backside against his groin and bury his mouth on the back of her neck, to not press his leg between her thighs.
Tomorrow, it would be seven months. To many people, it was not nearly enough time. To the two of them, it was. He knew that when she had taken off her rings, she had answered the question he asked when he had taken off his.
Deborah and Derrick had come to visit for Labor Day weekend before going back to graduate school. Paul had grilled shrimp and steaks for the two families on CJ's deck. Now the twins were out looking for nightlife with Drew Robinson and his fiancée; Paddy and Caitlin were down for the night. Paul and CJ were sitting on the deck in the moonlight.
"CJ, I fell in love with you thirty some years ago and part of me has never stopped loving you. God had different plans for us, different people for us. Now those plans have changed. Alicia and Danny are gone from us and what was damped down those many years ago has rekindled in my heart, and, unless I am severely mistaken, in yours. CJ, I love you. Let me take care of you, help you take care of your precious little ones, as I will let you take care of me, help me take care of my no longer little but still precious ones. CJ, will you marry me?"
She kissed him gently, then stood and took a deep breath.
"In the interests of full disclosure, after we split up, about a year later, I began again to be close with men." She told him about Ben and their on and off relationship. She told him about Toby and their intimate mental but completely non-physical relationship. She told him what she had told Danny that January Saturday night in early 2007: that she had made it a rule to never take a guy from another girl (or another guy); that she had never been with more than one man at a time: that she had never started a relationship with one man until she knew for sure that she was not pregnant from a previous relationship. "So I feel I have nothing to answer for, to apologize for. Except once, I knowingly went to bed with a married man. It is the one thing I will regret to my deathbed. Knowing this, do you still want me?"
He stood and came next to her, lifted her chin with the palm of his hand.
"Your past is your past. It is between you and God. I repeat, CJ, I love you. Let me take care of you, help you take care of your precious little ones, as I will let you take care of me, help me take care of my no longer little but still precious ones. CJ, will you marry me?"
As she smiled, he remembered one of the many things that caused him to fall in love with her so many years ago.
"I love you. Let's take care of each other, of all the children. Yes."
The ring he gave her "for now" held a black pearl in a white gold bypass setting. "I thought maybe we could pick out something coordinated for the both of us."
They told the twins, phoned her brothers and their wives, and Hogan, but swore them to secrecy. She also phoned Erin, who sent her blessings. "I know it's what Danny wanted."
Sam and Morgan had leased a place in the Big Sur area and had invited her up for the next weekend. Josh and Donna were coming out to join them.
She called Sam and asked if she could bring Paul with her, "assuming there's an extra bed somewhere." Sam called Josh and told him of her request.
That Friday evening, as the six of them sat on the terrace around the fire pit listening to the waves crashing on the rocks below, Paul told them that he had asked CJ to marry him and that she had accepted.
In the midst of the hugs, kisses, and handshakes, Josh slipped into the house and returned with a cream-colored envelope.
"When Sam called, I had a hunch," he said, handing the envelope to CJ.
With trembling hands, she opened it. He had written this one in long hand.
"My dearest Jeannie,
"If you are reading this letter, then my prayers have been answered and you will be marrying Paul. You have made me very happy, my darling, because I could sense that, other than yours truly, no one else on earth could bring you the joy and happiness you deserve, and no one on earth other than you could bring him the joy and happiness he deserves.
"If you are reading this letter, then this marriage will be occurring relatively soon after I've left you and there will be some bitter reactions, some nasty words said about that. Our friends know that this is what I want for you and no one else matters. But to help stem that bitterness, that nastiness, I want you to do something for me.
"When we married, you wanted to come down the aisle by yourself, as the independent woman you were and still are. However, you consented to let your brother escort you, both for the father who couldn't be there with you and for the sibling who would never have the chance to do so with a daughter. It did not take away one iota of your independence.
"Now I ask that when you approach whatever altar in front of which Paul is standing, waiting for you, that you allow Josh to escort you to Paul, to place your hand in his, to tell the world that I am at peace with your remarriage.
"Please, my darling CJ, in your words, in Abbey's words, defer to my wishes, to my last request as your husband.
"I love you forever,
"Danny"
"Josh, did you know what he had written?"
"He asked me, last January, if I would be willing to do it, and when I said, 'Anything for you, Danny', he said he would be writing letters to you."
"How many did he write, how many contingencies did he anticipate?" she laughed.
"That is between Danny and me," Josh replied.
"Paul?" she asked.
"Whatever Danny wants. As long as I get said hand in the end, if he had wanted the College of Cardinals walking you down the aisle and the Pope performing the ceremony, it would have been okay by me," he laughed.
"So, have you decided where you'll live?" Morgan asked.
"Definitely not in Santa Monica. Definitely not in DC," CJ said.
"Definitely not in Lexington or any of the other DOC college sites," Paul added. "We were maybe thinking about the Bay area. That's where we met, and some of the congregations there would be more willing to accept a minister with a 'Papist' for a wife. If we can make all this work anywhere, it's Berkeley."
"Don't you mean 'Beserkeley'?" Donna joked.
"Gina said there's an empty two-bedroom cottage on the vineyard that we could use. If push came to shove, we could work in the winery, smashing grapes with our feet," CJ laughed.
Donna looked at Josh. Josh looked at Sam. Why have political power if you can't help your friends?
On Tuesday, Sam called Frank Hollis and the two of them conspired.
Frank placed a call to the Chancellor's office at Berkeley; he dropped Sam's name into the conversation. Yes, the man said, they would be extremely interested in being the campus of choice to develop the graduate program of study in Philanthropic Management. Indeed, as the flagship of the state's higher education system, it would be their duty to undertake such a venture. Indeed, as the flagship of the state's higher education system, they were entitled to right of first refusal. And, yes, to have the Nobel laureate who developed the process as head of the program would definitely be a feather in their cap. Did the Governor and Mr. Hollis think she would accept such an offer?
Sam contacted the president of the Pacific School of Religion directly. Yes, he was well aware of the serious error in judgment made by the admissions board some thirty years ago. ("We could have used some omniscience at the time," he laughed.) Reverend Reeves, Doctor Reeves, was well known in the religious academic community, would be a welcome addition to the faculty. Was he really available?
Three weeks later, Paul and CJ had accepted job offers in Berkeley and were looking at houses in the area.
Their passions grew, but between the children, the traveling (he to Washington to sell some of his things and to bring the rest to California, she between the Bay Area and Santa Monica) and their feelings about their first marriages, they decided to "wait".
"Maybe I should have waited until the wedding to show him," Alicia said to Brianna. "But when she took off the rings, I could tell it pained him."
"I wouldn't be worrying about it, now. After all, we just use their time for a reference point. And, to be sure, he's been glowing this past while, and so are ye! I told ye he would be good at it and that he would like it!"
"Would you believe he actually found us a place? A secret one?"
"Did he now? An' where would that be?"
"I'm not telling!"
Earth timemark - a week earlier
Danny had been kicking a soccer ball around the Corona Borealis, talking to himself about where he might find a place for Alicia and him when he heard the soft voice he remembered from so many television specials.
"You could use our space for a while."
He looked up. He had been a preschooler when it happened but he had seen the grainy black and white films so many times. And, of course, the pictures as her children grew, the ones from her second marriage, the weddings of her children and their cousins, the funeral of her mother-in-law, and the ones as the next generation assumed their family's unique role in striving for the common good of the country.
"Mrs. - "
"No titles, Danny, except for Them. Call me Jackie. Here, follow me."
And she took him to Cassiopeia's Chair and showed him the little dark space behind Caph, the second brightest star.
"This is where Jack and I came before he left."
"Left?"
"We're reincarnaters. I thought you knew. He's already back on earth, born about a year before your Caitlin. I'm to go in late March."
Ever the investigative reporter, even up here, he started asking her questions about reincarnation.
"Do you know when you are there?"
"Do you think he would have been unfaithful if we knew? The time before this last one, we were Napoleon and Josephine. That will give you an idea of our track record," she laughed. "But for some reason, I think we'll get it right this time."
"Why do reincarnaters bother going back? It seems that you would be much happier here, especially when you don't know once you get there."
"Because it's not the same. Swirling is wonderful, but it's not, you know. When we eat, we think we taste, but we aren't really tasting. When we swim, it's not really water. Am I making sense?"
"Kind of." He remembered, when he swung the bat, he didn't really feel the ball hitting the wood and the resulting impact vibrating into his muscles.
"Maybe at the end, when we get our bodies with us, it will be different. Anyway, that's why, at least for Jack and me, we do it."
"Do you always refer to yourselves with your last identities?"
"We usually use the ones the others know. For example, if you were someone who had lived and died prior to 1960, you'd be calling me Josephine. Actually, just between ourselves, we're" and she uttered what sounded like two guttural syllables. "That's who we were the very first time, in what's now southern Africa."
"I know you don't know once you get there, but, right now, do you know where he is?"
"Yes. Look. You know them."
"Well, I'll be dam - ".
"Not up here, you won't." The laughing voice came out of the sky. He was glad They had a sense of humor.
"What about you?" he asked the former First Lady.
She smiled a secret smile and told him that when her time came, she would let him know.
Danny thanked her. He now had a private place to take Alicia. As Brianna had predicted, he was becoming very good at the Swirling Dance.
Mid-September 2013
When CJ told her friends and neighbors of their plans, everyone told her that they were happy for her and for Paul, but would be sad to see her leave their little village.
That evening, Hank and Steve came over with their little girl and asked to talk with her. They would like to buy the house. They had been in love with it once they saw what CJ had envisioned and had kicked themselves for not seeing the potential themselves and snapping up the property when it came on the market seven years ago. With a second child on the way, they could use the extra room. (The first was Steve's biologically, had a white birth mother. This child would be Hank's and had a black birth mother.) They were sure they would have no trouble selling their somewhat smaller house. (As it turned out, Jesse Muñoz bought the guys' house, and gave Nancy an engagement ring at Christmas.)
They had hoped to find a place with four bedrooms, a living room as well as a family room, a separate dining room, and a study for Paul. He had always had a place for his books and his papers, he told her, and if he was counseling parishioners, he needed a place to do that in private. When the twins were little and they could only afford a three bedroom "cookie cutter" house in Lexington, the kids shared a room until they were five so he could use the third one for his needs. When they were able to build to their own specifications, they made sure to include a separate study for his use.
"I could use part of the living room, it doesn't have to be a deal breaker," he said with a smile.
Luckily, many of the houses in the area were built with academicians in mind and many of them did have such a room. Unfortunately, none of the ones available for sale at the time had more than three bedrooms.
They chose one based on floor plan, view, and amenities. There was even a little alcove off the master bedroom that would be perfect for her home office.
"Well, when the twins come for breaks and holidays, we'll just put Paddy and Caitlin together and put one of the twins in the living room," CJ said.
"Actually, even now, when they go on trips together, they share a double, so we could put the two of them together also. My sister-in-law's mother-in-law made a comment about it last year and the two of them told her that 'she had a dirty mind'. I'm glad I wasn't there at the time; I would have felt compelled to correct the kids for insulting an elder, but in my heart I agreed with them."
They brought up the nursery furniture and the things from Paddy's room. She put the contents of Danny's den in storage for the kids when they were older. They sold the other furnishings in the Santa Monica house. He had his things sent out from Washington and they blended in some of his things with new purchases, offered the rest to Derrick before donating the leftovers to charity. Donna spread the word that they wanted to "start fresh" and they were gifted with the linens, china, glassware, and kitchenware that a never-married couple usually receives.
Gina and her brother asked if they could hold the wedding for them. They asked Jed Bartlet to officiate at the ceremony. He agreed and pulled all the strings needed to cut through the ecclesiastical red tape.
They were lucky; there was an old chapel on the vineyard grounds, a holdover from the mission era, that had never been unconsecrated. One of the walls had fallen down and the windows had been removed; with the right flowers and greenery, it would appear to be an open-air venue. Sam pulled the strings needed to get the former president licensed to perform weddings in California.
Since Paul was already teaching a regular schedule, he moved into the house. Since her job was still being defined and she had a less rigid schedule, she and the kids moved into the cottage on the vineyard grounds until the wedding.
They wanted the ceremony to include all four children. Paul asked Derrick to be his best man and when Paddy balked at walking down the aisle with Caitlin, Paul decreed that "all the men in the family will wait for the women of the family at the altar."
She asked Donna to be her matron of honor and Deborah to be her maid of honor. Caitlin, who wasn't walking on her own just yet, would come down the aisle with Deborah. Hogan was on special duty in Diego Garcia and wouldn't be able to get away.
Paul and CJ wanted something to give to the children during the ceremony. Abbey suggested that they take a mizpah coin and have it cut into six parts rather than two, and have each part put on a chain, one for each family member.
She couldn't decide what to wear. One day, she was at the hairdresser's and was looking through a clothing catalog when she saw something that gave her an idea. It looked like a double-breasted business suit, but it was polyester lace with a lining. She surreptitiously tore the page from the magazine and faxed it to Hank.
"I was thinking that if the skirt was mid-calf and just a bit fuller, and the jacket was single breasted, more fitted, not meant to be worn with a blouse, and do away with the lapels. And of course, natural fabric, no polyester. Is it doable?"
"Piece of cake." She could hear the finger snap. "I'll work up a design, talk with Diana. Can you fly down here later in the week?"
"Hank? I don't want white, but I don't want the color of the dress I wore for Danny. Maybe more of a blue-gray-ivory than a cream-ivory? And make sure that the lace is a totally different pattern?"
He told her he understood, to leave everything to him and Diana.
Early November 2013 Napa CA
St. Valentine had struck again, this time claiming Ginger, Bonnie, Carol, Ellie, and Zoey, so most of her Bartlet Gang friends were with her only in spirit as they dealt with new babies (a girl – Marilyn Abigail – for Zoey and Charlie, a boy – Sean Daniel – for Carol and David), or patiently awaited them. Margaret was needed by Matt Santos in Washington but sent all her love. Erin wrote a beautiful letter full of love and wishes for nothing but happiness, but begged CJ to understand that the MacDonald's just couldn't attend. When she called Toby, all he said was "I'm sorry, CJ, I just can't".
The wedding ceremony was moving, poignant, and funny. Caitlin actually pulled her hand out of Deborah's and took a few steps on her own toward her brother ("Dee!") before falling on her fanny. Her stepsister helped her from the floor, brushed down her little dress, and held her hand the rest of the way.
Danny put his hand on CJ's when Josh gave her hand to Paul. Alicia helped press Paul's hand tighter onto CJ's hand.
They exchanged matching Black Hills Gold wedding bands. (He also bought her the matching engagement ring.) CJ fastened the chains with the mizpah coin pieces around the necks of Deborah, Derrick, and Paul; Paul fastened the chains around the necks of Paddy, Caitlin, and CJ.
"By the power vested in me by the State of California, I am most pleased to introduce to you Claudia Jean and Paul Reeves, Deborah, Derrick, Paddy, and Caitlin."
Alicia thought that Danny looked almost as handsome as Paul as the two of them danced next to the bridal couple. Danny thought that Alicia's aqua dress looked spectacular.
"I told him on our wedding night that I would wear dresses to weddings; I told him in June that I would dance at his wedding."
"Did you feel something?" CJ asked Paul. Everyone else was on the edges of the small patio as they danced to "Three Times a Lady."
The next morning Calistoga Hot Springs, CA
Paul woke up to the first rays of the sun coming into their suite in the resort. For a second, he was confused about the slight weight on his chest, then saw CJ's head. They had come full circle, after so many years. He pulled the sheet up over her shoulders. It was a cool morning.
He reflected on his conversation, if that's what you would call it, with Alicia and Danny. The thought of someone else with his wife, even if it "was like that and then not like that at all" was, for a brief second, unnerving, but somehow it seemed right and appropriate. ("Your wife is the one with her leg over yours," he told himself.) When he wondered about what would happen when the inevitable occurred, they told him that "God will work it out." Well, he'd been putting his trust in God ever since the day he decided that he needed to pursue his vocation, even if it meant losing CJ; he wasn't about to stop now.
Yesterday, when Paddy had explained loudly and earnestly to everyone at the wedding that "Caitlin and I will stay here with my aunt and uncle and make wine while Mama and Papa go make honey", he laughed with everyone else, but wondered if he would still be able to make everything sweet.
It had been so long; yes, he'd had physical reactions to stimuli, but he hadn't "wanted" from the last few weeks of Alicia's life in 2006 until this past July. Even during those months in '10 when he realized he was becoming emotionally reattached to CJ and wasn't sure he could handle it, there had been no accompanying physical yearning.
But he needn't have worried. He still had it. Or maybe, being with someone he loved brought it back. In any event, if last night was any indication, life was going to be much better for the two of them now that they were together. Two times within two hours, at his age. He was going to enjoy being a sexual being again; he was going to enjoy being with his sexy wife and he was going to enjoy making her happy and fulfilled.
He felt her stirring and bent his head so that the first thing she would see when she opened her eyes was his face, full of love for her.
"Good morning, Mrs. Reeves. Let's make some honey."
Sirius (Canis Major) earth timemark four days later
"That was unbelievable! That set that Elvis and Otis did must have lasted eight hours!" Danny plopped down on a stardust cloud.
"And when Springsteen and the Dead sang 'Everybody Must Get Stoned' and Dylan started dancing with Aretha! If I hadn't already done so, I could have died and gone to heaven," Alicia laughed.
He groaned at her joke. "I wonder how our little lovebirds are – what the fuck is he doing to – and he was ready to throw the book at me!" Danny was furious, Danny was sputtering.
She looked down. "Danny, he's not going to hurt her. He did that with me." She tried to hide the catch in her voice. "Come on, let's go somewhere else." She stared into his eyes. "Danny, it's not what you think."
And she led him away to a pool party over by Aquarius.
Calistoga Hot Springs, CA
He pushed the hair back from the side of her face. "I love you, CJ."
"I know."
"I would never hurt you, degrade you, abuse you."
"I know." She wondered where he was going with this line of conversation.
"Trust me?"
She nodded her head.
He turned her so she was lying face down across his knees.
"Paul?"
"Trust me, sweetheart." His lips whispered into her ear and he began to kiss the back of her neck, to place little kisses down her spine. His right hand made little caressing circles on her backside.
She moaned and rubbed her center against his shaft, which has pressing up against her, but at a right angle to the one would be needed for entrance.
When his lips reached the base of her spine, he moved the hand that was on her bottom. She later figured out that he had slipped his forefinger and ring finger inside her and, moving them back and forth, used the middle finger to circle round and round that throbbing little piece of her.
When he could tell that she was ready to climax, he withdrew the two fingers and replaced them with three, his left hand slipping under her to her center.
Alicia could tell from CJ's face that this was one thing that he had never done with her, back when they were together that first time. This was one thing that Alicia had had first.
When they had first started dating, Alicia assumed that he was "experienced", both from his age and his easy, relaxed manner. Most guys wanted to get into her pants and even the ones who said 'I understand' still tried; when he told her of his acceptance of her desire to fulfill the promise to her grandmother, he made no bones about the fact that he would have to set some limits on their relationship in order to not push her, but he kept his word.
After they got engaged, Paul told Alicia that there had been someone else earlier, that her name was Claudia Jean but she went by "CJ", that it had taken over a year to get over her, but his heart was now free and ready to be claimed by her.
After they married, he was the textbook, or, rather, bodice-ripper, example of what a husband and lover should be. And she wondered, off and on, what the woman with whom he had done these things before was like. Alicia assumed that he had learned the wonderful things they did in their bedroom from this other woman.
It was in late spring 1998, during the primaries, when he first saw her on television with the Bartlet campaign and exclaimed, "CJ! So that's where you ended up!"
"That's her?" she asked him.
"Yes," he said. "She's got more poise, well, she's older, she would, and I liked her hair better longer and straighter, but she's still CJ."
"You never told me she was white," Alicia said quietly.
He looked up quickly.
"It wasn't important, it didn't matter. Alicia, I never was that type. I never went looking for a white girl, never bought into the idea of it being good for my image, or my ego. I was initially attracted to her, and then fell in love with her, for much the same reasons I was attracted to and fell in love with you. Then, and with you, I fell in love with the person, not the demographics."
"How much do I have in common with her? She talks to reporters, to senators, to governors; I get tongue-tied with the Women's Auxiliary. She's tall; I'm short. She's got Masters' degrees; I was only a sophomore when we got married and I finally finished my BA only three years ago."
"You were only a sophomore when we were married because of the promise you made to your grandmother and because six months was long enough to wait for you."
"But even if I had slept with you, you were graduating and moving on. I had to go with you."
"Well, that's one difference; you were ready to follow where I needed to go and she wasn't. But then, if she had followed me to Yale, she probably wouldn't be where she is now and Bartlet might not be gaining all this momentum. And who knows what you would have done, become, had you stayed at Yale?"
("They showed me when I arrived here," Alicia told Danny. "After a course on gothic cathedrals, I became fascinated with worship space. I would have switched from Art to Architecture, and would have designed several world-famous churches. But we wouldn't have married. He would have found someone else at Bethany before I finished in New Haven and I would have married some Olympic runner.")
"But you were both bright, idealistic, passionate about your causes, caring, honest, fun-loving, you both put up with my schedules, you both thought I was the most wonderful man in the world, worshipped the ground I walked on – at first," he laughed self-deprecatingly and played with her hair. "Both so fresh, so innocent - " he stopped, a stricken look on his face.
"Paul?"
"I never realized it. I've always thought of myself as liberal, modern. But the two women I loved enough to consider marrying are the two women who came to me as virgins. All that time, did I really have a double standard? I'm not liking what I'm suddenly seeing in myself."
She thought about letting him stew with it for a while. Most of the time, to so many people, he seemed so perfect. (Little did they know about his idiosyncrasies, his assertiveness, his natural inclination to take charge, his ego.) But her better angels gained control.
"The others you were with, the ones who had been experienced, did you stop seeing them because of their pasts? Did you use them and toss them?"
"No, two of them broke up with me, were ready to move on before I was. With the three others, it was mutual; except for one. I left her."
"Because she had slept with someone else before you?"
"No. She wanted me to join her church, kept pushing it down my throat. I'm not cut out to be a charismatic, to speak in tongues. And I don't take scriptural passages out of context; she was a biblical literalist."
"And yet she had sex outside of marriage?"
"Like I said, a literalist. According to her, once you accepted Christ, you were going to heaven. Nothing else mattered; you could sin all you wanted, you were still saved."
"If I had slipped on my promise to Meemaw, if I had given in to DeShawn Jenkins the night of my Senior Prom, would you have still asked me to marry you?"
"I hope so, Alicia, or else I would have been the biggest fool in Christendom."
Okay, change the subject, girl, she told herself.
"Somehow, I had always assumed that she had taught you the things you knew. But now you say that she was like me. So where did you learn?"
"A girl from Bennington and the guys at Dartmouth. Plus we read the same books you did," he laughed. "Come on, the kids won't be home from school for an hour." He pulled her toward the bedroom. "You know that spanking scene in that book the babysitter was reading, the one she left here and Derrick got hold of? No, not that, what do you think I am?" he said, seeing the frightened look on her face, "but what the hero did to the heroine afterward?"
Apparently, it was one thing that wasn't in those books back in Berkeley.
He lay down on his left side beside her, slipping his legs out from underneath her body, and turned her body so she was facing him. She kissed him on his mouth.
"I told you her wouldn't hurt her. He would go out of his way to avoid doing anything to hurt her."
Three months before Paul's graduation and their wedding the following Saturday, they had just left Mory's (he had been nominated for membership his second year) after listening to the Whiffenpoofs, and were standing outside her dorm when she told him "there's a problem."
"My mother swears she miscalculated, but my mother is perfect and I can't imagine her not knowing. I've always been exactly 29 days, and the day before the wedding, it will be showtime for me," she sighed, gave him a small smile.
When he hugged her and told her he didn't think he would die if he had to wait another week, she told him that she was afraid she might.
"Sarah said" (Thank God for Sarah, her down to earth and more worldly roommate, he thought. The girl was probably the one person keeping Alicia from murdering her mother) "that I should go to Student Health and get on the pill now, that the doctor can help me adjust my timing."
"Sarah is right, and I should have thought of it myself, about going to Student Health now, I mean. We definitely want you safe from day one." (The answer is "His mother, his mother-in-law, and a gross of condoms". The question is "What are the three things Paul Reeves does not want to take with him on his honeymoon?")
"But if I go to the doctor, he or she will want to examine me."
"Well, of course - "
"Paul, I mean inside me. And then I won't be - ".
He took her by her shoulders. "Alicia, what you promised your grandmother is here," he touched her forehead, "and here", he touched her heart. "Not here". He ever so lightly brushed his hand against the juncture at the top of her legs. "See the doctor, get the pills, get yourself protected, adjusted, foil your mother's scheming, if that's what it is," he laughed.
"You sure you don't mind?"
"Don't mind?" He hugged her, kissed her, and whispered in her ear. "Honey, if you see the doctor then there's no chance I might have to hurt you."
"Sweetheart, were you okay with that?" He searched CJ's eyes. "If you weren't, it's okay, we don't have to do it again. Were you comfortable with that?"
She grinned, nodded her head and then looked down his torso. "But I think you got cheated. I'd best remedy that."
She moved her body over his.
Epilogue One
Sirius (Canis Major) earth timemark early April 2014
"Danny."
"Mrs. Ken – I mean Jackie! Hi!"
"I'm about to go back. Look where I'm going!"
"Oh, my! For true?"
"Yes, for true. Bye!"
And she turned into a twinkle and headed toward the bedroom in the hills above Berkeley.
Epilogue Two
Washington DC January 20, 2047
It was a very warm day, 58 degrees, and the sun was bright. It was a good omen, CJ thought, as she and Paul were slowly escorted to their seats on the platform.
They both were doing well for people their ages. She thanked God every day that she had been given so many years with this man, and that the years had been good ones. The Alzheimer's that ravaged her father's brain had passed over her and her brothers. She and Paul each used a cane now and had learned to use them in opposite hands, so they could hold hands while walking together.
When they reached their seats, she saw that the children (and she still called them that, although they all had children of their own, and in the case of Deborah and Derrick, a grandchild apiece) were seated in the row behind them, all but Dansha, of course. Derrick, who had resembled Paul at 22 when she first met the boy, now resembled the Paul she had married at 50-something. He was there with his Natasha. Deborah looked so much like the pictures of her mother taken at the turn of the century. Tom was holding her hand, still in love with her. Then there was Pat, with her looks and Danny's laugh, pointing out someone in the crowd to Maggie. And Caitlin, her feminine portrait of Danny, was whispering something to Huck.
"CJ."
She turned to see her son-in-law's parents. He needed a wheel chair and she a walker, but their eyes were bright with joy. The four of them exchanged hugs.
His father said, "Would you ever have believed - "
Just then, her son-in-law came down the steps, holding onto Dansha's hand. After some prayers, the couple stood up, Dansha with the Bible in her hands as her husband placed his left hand on it and raised his right.
"I, Hooper John Hoynes, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States and will, to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States."