SAMI AND JESS SUCK IT AT A SUPERKICK PARTY!
It was just another typical Sunday night. Sami and Jess were walking through the woods looking for a place to make out when suddenly, something moved in the bushes.
"What was that?" Jess asked.
"Probably the bunny from Monty Python looking to kill us," Sami said. "Don't worry, Jess, I'll protect you!"
Jess kissed him before saying, "I'm pretty sure I do the protecting in this relationship." She heard it again. "Wait… Seriously, what is that?"
Suddenly, two people emerged from the bushes, each with one leg in the air. "Superkick Party!" They yelled as they tried to kick their way through.
"Matt? Nick? Are you guys okay?" Sami asked, recognizing the Young Bucks.
"We're great!" Matt said.
"We're having a Superkick Party!" His younger brother Nick added.
"Suck it!" They yelled in unison, looking toward another set of bushes.
"Who are you talking to?" Jess asked.
"Us!" Someone shouted. Two men popped out of the bushes. The one who'd spoken had on a cowboy hat, and his companion was Sami's former boss.
"Shawn Michaels? Triple H?" Jess asked. "What the fuck is going on?"
"These brats think they're cooler than us!" Triple H said. "We're here to show them that DX is still in charge!"
"Yeah!" Shawn shouted. "So they can just go home and Suck It!"
"No! You suck it!" Matt shouted.
"Yeah! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it!" Nick added.
Pretty soon, all four were taking turns yelling "Suck it!" Jess looked at Sami in frustration.
"Don't worry, Babe," Sami said. "I know what to do." He paused, jumped between the four, and shouted louder than anyone else, "SUCK IT!"
Jess rolled her eyes as this started the others up even more. Finally, Jess went on the attack. She grabbed Triple H by his throat and choke slammed him. She superkicked Matt in the face. She hit Shawn with the Demon Drop. Finally, she powerbombed Nick onto the grass. Sami wisely ducked out of the way before she could turn on him, too.
"NO ONE IS SUCKING ANYTHING! Are we clear?" She demanded. "Bucks, you guys are, like, twelve and probably have nothing to suck! Shawn, you're old and it probably doesn't work no matter how much someone sucks it. And Triple H? After Stephanie's been near it, I'm pretty sure I'd catch something. So, seriously, stop it!"
The men fell silent. They stared at her in shock. "But… We need to determine who the greatest team is, Havok," Matt bravely said in spite of his fear.
"You guys need a serious mediation," Jess said. "Now sit down. We're going to talk about this like grown-ups."
"But I don't wanna-" Triple H protested.
"No one asked you," Jess snapped. He fell silent instantly. "Okay, let's take this slowly. Each of you, tell me what the problem is. Only one of you is allowed to speak at a time, and I swear to God, the first motherfucker who yells 'suck it' is going to die."
She pointed to Shawn. "You. Speak"
"Hi," Shawn said. "I'm Shawn Michaels, the Heartbreak Kid, one of the founding members of DX. My issue, if I may explain, is that these morons stole our gimmick!"
"No name calling!" Jess snapped. "Be nice."
"Use I-Statements!" Sami suggested.
"Sorry," Shawn said. "I feel that these two guys are complete morons because they stole our gimmick!"
"That's better," Sami said. Jess rolled her eyes, but she let it go.
"We didn't steal your gimmick," Matt protested. "A ton of people have used superkicks before, and as far as the whole 'suck it' thing? It's an expression. Lots of people use it."
"Yeah," Nick added. "And we're really good at it. I mean, we work it into our matches way more than you guys ever did."
"You little brat! How dare you try to claim you're better!" Triple H shouted.
"I never said better, Dude. I just said we use it more. We're different."
"I think what he's trying to say is they use some of the elements of your gimmick to pay tribute to you guys," Sami said wisely. Jess was mildly impressed. "In fact, they respect you guys and what you've done for the business, and they just want to emulate that."
"Nice," Jess said. She kissed him.
"Thanks. I've been reading the dictionary to cure my insomnia. Anyway, I really don't think the Bucks meant to offend you guys or to rip you off. They're just trying to bring the love of your attitude to a whole new generation. Right, boys?"
"Actually, yeah," Matt said. "When we were kids, DX was about as awesome as they came. We wanted to be just like you guys. Well, you and the Hardys… But you know, straightedge."
"We like to think we put our own spin on it," Nick added. "I mean, we do it differently, you know? We shout 'suck it' more, and we throw way more superkicks. The whole Superkick Party thing is ours."
"You guys could have been great," Triple H said. "You turned down NXT!"
"We turned down jobbing to guys who suck," Matt corrected him. "You'd have changed our gimmick and made us jobbers and kept us down. It's what you do. We refused to sell out for money."
"So you went to Ring Of Honor? I mean, what the hell kind of move is that?"
"You sold out anyway, Boys. You gave up your indy shows for Ring Of Honor," Shawn added.
"He makes a good point," Sami said.
"At least at ROH, they treat us with respect," Nick said.
"What? I respect you guys," Triple H said.
"Really? I don't see that," Matt said.
"You're great. Would I have tried to recruit you otherwise? I want you boys on my payroll, not someone else's."
"That won't ever happen, Man," Nick said. "But I appreciate the kind words."
"See? You guys aren't so different, but they also didn't steal your gimmick," Sami said. "Can we all be friends now?"
"But… I wanted a Superkick Party," Shawn and Nick said in unison with matching pouts.
"How about a compromise? Instead of attacking each other, let's use that energy against someone who deserves it," Sami said. "Who out there really deserves a Superkick Party?"
"I know! Let's throw AJ a Superkick Party," Nick suggested. "We kicked him out of our stable, after all. Traitor!"
"AJ Styles? But he's so over!" Shawn protested.
"Exactly! He's more over than Reigns… He must be stopped!" Triple H suddenly agreed.
"That's a great idea!" Matt chimed in.
And so, it was settled. Sami tracked down AJ Styles and lured him into the woods. AJ entered with no idea where this was headed. Then, without warning, Matt and Nick ran out screaming, "Suck it! Suck it! Suck it!"
AJ immediately ducked, knowing what was coming. He turned to run, but to his shock, he ran straight into Shawn and Triple H. Their kicks connected. Shortly after, so did Matt and Nick's. The Superkick Party lasted for several minutes before AJ curled up in a fetal position and they decided to stop.
"That was awesome!" Matt said.
"Totally therapeutic!" Nick added.
"Do you guys feel better? I know I do!" Shawn said.
"Sami, Jess, you guys should go into business as mediators! That was fantastic!" Triple H said.
"We should do it again!" Nick said.
AJ cowered and let out a cry of protest. "Not on you, Dude, don't worry," Nick added quickly. "On other people who deserve this even more…"
"We'd be a Superkick Army!" Matt declared.
"The DX Bucks!" Shawn added.
"Yes! We're strongest together! We'll be unstoppable!" Triple H proclaimed.
"Um… I think we just created a monster," Jess said to Sami.
"Who cares? This is awesome!" Sami said.
"Alright… Let's find the biggest dickbags on the planet-" Shawn started to say.
"Shawn, you can't say dickbags! It's not PG," Triple H scolded him.
"Oh. Right. Sorry. Let's find the biggest dirtbags on the planet and superkick the hell out of them!"
"Great idea! I know just where to start!" Nick said.
"Where?" Triple H asked.
As it turned out, there were several people Nick felt needed a good Superkick Party, and the others were quick to agree. Together, they superkicked Hulk Hogan, Sunny, DJ Hyde (which Sami and Jess took great joy in watching), Alberto Del Rio, Donald Trump, Ric Flair (although Shawn told him he was sorry and he loved him first), Vince McMahon, and that Dude from Verizon who was always asking "Can you hear me now?" (Simply because Shawn was frustrated with his cell phone service.) Soon, their Superkick Party took over the world.
Sami and Jess watched this all curiously. "That went well," Sami decided.
"How so?" Jess asked. "They're out of control and attacking anyone who annoys them."
"They didn't destroy each other, which would have destroyed the world of wrestling, so that's good. Also, they left."
"So?"
"So we're finally alone to make out!"
Jess grinned at him. "You have a point." She pulled him into her arms and they soon forgot about the rest of the world, which was now one big Superkick Party. (Hey, there were worse things, right?)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks to TakerReigns for pointing out how Jess might handle the Bucks yelling "Suck It!" I quite agree, and I decided she needed to address Triple H and Shawn, too. I appreciate the inspiration.