I don't own Tokyo Ghoul.
Warning: Umm... spoiler if you haven't read the manga? I actually read this spoiler on wiki by accident (when I should've known better) even though I haven't even gotten past like chapter 56 :'D I really do need to finish reading the manga lol.
Chapter Two
In Which the Light Begins to Dim
…
'It was better to be hurt than to hurt others.'
.
.
Kimiko liked Ken's mum; she was kind and gentle (so much unlike hers), worked hard for her son and took care of him well.
She was a good mother—the one who brought Ken up to be just as kind and as gentle as she was to this day. Even though she had to do more work than the average family, being a single mother, she never complained.
In a way, Kimiko admired that honest and tender-hearted personality, and she was happy for Ken—for having such a loving family.
But sometimes Ken's mum was too kind—so much that it was almost self-sacrificing. That's why, a small part of her hated how caring Ken's mother got.
Kimiko didn't want that self-sacrificing part of her to be taught to Ken. She didn't want him to think that way. If Ken wasn't willing to hurt others, and would rather be hurt by them instead, then she would do it in his place.
She would protect him.
(He was her flickering light in the days dyed in monochrome.)
From time to time, she dreamt: of memories that should not belong to her, of a girl who was much weaker—so much more fragile—and of a girl who was so different from her. She humoured the notion for a fleeting moment that she was possibly going insane, but the clarity of such dreams made it seem unlikely, along with how she was always able to recall what happened in the dreams after waking up. But as time passed, and the dreams becoming more frequent making it seem like she was reliving another life (a past life, she thought—realised) and that those memories really did belong to her.
A previous life where ghouls did not exist. A previous life where she did not have to train every day because of her parents. A previous life where she came closest to deceiving herself into believing she was cared for.
(The words of a dead man flashed by the forefront of her mind:
'We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.')
It would've been a normal life.
She sat up in her bed, sweat dripping from her forehead with the last dream being how she came upon taking her last breath in that world. Slowly, she brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her quivering arms around them. Closing her eyes, she took deep breaths to calm her beating heart.
Phantom images flickered in her mind beneath closed eyes, and she wondered if she had ever felt fear as strong as this before. Gradually, her tense shoulders loosened, and her body relaxed to fall back onto her bed. Her breathing slowed, and in the silence of her room, a thought struck her, gradually spreading like a poison in her mind…
I don't want to die.
(Not again.)
But with the way things were heading, she would be forced to become a ghoul investigator against her wishes, and she knew the career had a relation as to why the number of relatives she had decreased day by day even though they were still so young.
Unbidden tears starting building up in her eyes, and she hastily wiped them away. It felt so weird crying so easily when mentally she should be double the current age of her physical body of nine. But then again, the memories from the dreams felt like they were still so foreign in a way, and at times, it seemed like she was watching clips from a movie.
(It would be—not easy but possible to maybe trick herself that there was no past life if she wanted.)
Though the fact that she was also a cry baby in said past life, even in her late teens, probably didn't help deter the tears either.
Exhausted physically and mentally, she easily slipped into unawareness as she fell asleep—the last tears slipping from her eyes. She was such a cry baby, and she hated it.
(She really wasn't as strong as she acted.)
Months passed and the monotonous days stacked up, but within those plain and plentiful days, Ken provided some colour and light for Kimiko. (She reluctantly admitted that baka-Hide contributed some as well).
It was enough to help sooth leftover wounds.
Her birthday passed without much excitement, though Ken and Hideyoshi did try to liven things up. They pooled their pocket money together to buy a chain-like bracelet with a variety of trinkets attached to it, and she knew to treasure it. Hideyoshi's birthday had already passed not long before he transferred to their school, and this time, Ken's tenth birthday was approaching.
"Would you guys like to come over to my house for my birthday?" Ken asked, smiling a tad shyly.
"Sure, Kaneki! Well, we were gonna have a birthday party planned for you no matter what, anyway. Right, Kimiko-chan?" Hideyoshi replied cheerfully.
Kimiko nodded and then directed a small smile at Ken.
"I'll be sure to be there, Ken. Definitely."
He smiled brightly in response.
Shlump.
"Again, Ken?" Kimiko said, voice tinged with amusement and fond exasperation.
"Hahah…" Kaneki laughed from his position on the floor after having tripped and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.
"That's the third time you've fallen over today. You're so clumsy."
"Sorry…" Kaneki said.
"Mou, you don't have to apologise."
As he moved to stand up, she held her hand out to him.
"Here," she said.
Kaneki blinked once before he smiled and gratefully took the offered hand. She pulled him up effortlessly but didn't let go even after he stood up. He gave Kimiko a questioning look.
"The next time you fall down, I'll be able to pull you back up so you won't fall over and hurt yourself again." She gave him a slight smile when there was a slight dusting of pink on his cheeks. "Saa, let's go."
(No matter how many times you fall down, I'll help you get back up… because that's what friends do, right?)
"Happy birthday!"
The sound of a group of collective voices said as many party poppers were pulled.
Kimiko gave a small smile as she watched Ken's eyes brighten in joy. There weren't many people celebrating his birthday—only her, Hideyoshi and Ken's mother. And yet, for Ken, he smiled like he was given something close to the world.
She supposed, to Ken, this was enough for him—they were enough.
(At least… she'd like to think—to hope that was the case.)
"I'll help, Kaneki-san." Kimiko walked up to Ken's mother and grabbed hold of a few plates and cutlery to give out after cutting the cake. They'd already sang 'Happy Birthday' to Ken and the candles had been blown out with a wish made.
(Ken had raised his head, staring at them for a while, giving a smile—a secret smile—before the candlelight was extinguished.)
"Ah, thank you, Kimiko-chan. And please, call me oba-san or Chiyo. There's no need to be so formal." She reached her hand out to pat Kimiko's head.
Her hand felt warm.
(…And yet—)
"You are Ken's important friends after all," she said.
"Okay… oba-san," Kimiko replied.
They were walking along the path besides the riverbank towards the sweetshops after school that they had promised to visit earlier on in the day. Kimiko's parents wouldn't be returning home until the day after tomorrow so she had free reign on what she could do without her parents finding out.
As they approached the midway point to their destination, Ken abruptly stopped walking, staring at something in the distance. Underneath a bridge were a group of boys or rather two groups fighting each other. It was Iwakura and the rest, and they seemed to be on the losing side.
Of course, Kimiko had noticed them. She had noticed them much earlier than Ken had but had barely spared them anything more than a dismissive glance.
They didn't mean anything to her. They weren't one of her precious people. She had no obligation to help them nor did she need to spend any time on them. So she had turned her head and carried on walking forward, and like any insignificant moment in her life, they'd be forgotten after a night's sleep.
But Ken didn't seem to think so.
"Ken, hurry up. They're going to close up the store in an hour or so, and there's a few of their new desserts I want to try."
Hideyoshi had stopped walking not long after Ken had. His eyes switched from looking at Ken to Kimiko, unsure as to what to do next.
Kimiko kept her expression neutral, head facing forward and didn't stop walking.
"Kimiko-chan, they're—"
"Just leave them. Whatever they're doing has nothing to do with us," Kimiko said coldly, still not turning her head to look at them, face blank.
Ken's expression turned sad as he watched the group of boys being knocked down to the ground, unable to retaliate. It was true that they'd bullied him quite a few times, but no one deserved to be in pain no matter what they'd done. He still remembered the feeling of helplessness and powerlessness whenever he was no longer able to get up in the wake of the pain caused by his tormentors—always, they reminded him of his inability to do the things that really mattered.
So in a moment of determination and resolution, he took a step forward.
"I'm sorry, Kimiko-chan. Hide. Go on without me." Ken said as he walked towards Iwakura and the group of boys.
Kimiko's heart lurched in her chest as she abruptly stopped and snapped her head towards him, watching him go.
Why—
Her hand shot out, thankfully reaching him in time, grabbing ahold of his hand, and an almost desperate glint entered her eyes.
.
.
'It was better to be hurt than to hurt others.'
One day, because of those words, Ken will be hurt the most.
Why do you have to be so forgiving?
.
.
Ken was always kind.
She clicked a tongue against the roof of her mouth and said, "Tsk, the one you should be thanking is Ken. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have even considered saving some jerks like you." She looked down on them with an icy glare before turning away.
.
.
Ken is always kind.
(That's why–)
…
"Thank you, Kimiko-chan… for helping them." His eyes lifted to meet hers, a smile forming on his lips before he froze, his expression turning uncertain.
She gave a small, pained smile—eyes looking so sad—and said:
"You're so unfair, Ken."
"What's wrong, Ken?"
"Ah, it's just my auntie…"
Her eyes narrowed.
"Again? And did Kaneki-san give money to her again?" she asked.
He nodded his head.
"I could ask my parents to—"
"No! It's okay, Kimiko-chan. I… I don't want to bother you." Ken said, slightly flustered, hands waving in front of his face.
Her eyes softened.
"You know that I will never think of you as bothersome. I wouldn't mind."
"Still," he shook his head. "You already have a strained relationship with your parents…"
As he lowered his arms, she caught a glimpse of something bluish-purple beneath his sleeve, and she tensed slightly in alarm.
"Ken," she said, voice serious and lips pressed together in a thin line. "Where did you get this?"
She reached out without warning, taking hold of his arm, gently yet firmly, and pushed back the sleeve on his arm to reveal a large dark bruise. Unintentionally, she took a sharp intake of breath when she saw his whole arm.
It looked so much worse than she thought it would be.
"Who did this?" her voice barely suppressing a tremble, anger bubbling and beginning to boil in her chest at a rapid rate.
Ken looked like a deer caught in headlights as he stared at Kimiko, unsure on what to do.
"It… It's nothing. I just fell…" was his reply. It sounded as unconvincing as his voice.
It was an obvious lie. The bruise on his arm—it stared back at her mockingly, telling her and reminding her of her failure in protecting him like she said she would—like she had promised she would.
It had been done by someone on purpose. There's no way he could have gotten a bruise like that from a fall. From his lie, she wondered if he was hiding any other injuries. And then thought bitterly, he probably was.
She had dealt with all the bullies—she was absolutely sure.
That only left…
"Was it your aunt?" she nearly growled out.
"E-eh? No! It wasn't my aunt! It wasn't my aunt…" His eyes clenched shut like he was in pain, and he tried pulling his arm away.
(She let him.)
Seeing the hurt and distress on his face—she swore she would make the ones who hurt Ken pay and regret that they'd done such a thing—she let the matter drop for now.
.
.
(She shouldn't have.)
.
She broke another promise that day. After all, the dead couldn't regret, could they?
Later on, she came to realise this.
.
.
.
.
Why?
As the rained poured, that was one of the many words that kept repeating in her mind.
Where was the fairness in this?!
She stood by his side and clutched onto his hand tightly to give some comfort—no matter how small it was.
And she couldn't—hadn't done a single thing to help!
The rain stopped.
(Drip.
…
Drop.)
Looking towards her right, she couldn't tell how Ken was feeling from his unreadable expression, hair shadowing his face.
Nonetheless, she knew he was in pain—so much that she could never imagine.
Why did someone so kind have to die?
.
.
(See… this is what happens to the ones who are too kind.)
…
She didn't want Ken to end up this way too.
.
.
.
A loving mother.
Forever remembered.
Kaneki Chiyo
1970 – 2003
He was suffering, she knew that. Slowly, she moved her hand to place on his shoulder, but before it reached, she paused and then retreated. She turned to walk away, and with one last back glance, she noticed Hideyoshi succeeding in where she failed when a small smile formed upon Ken's face.
That's right—Ken didn't need her. Hideyoshi was the cheerful and bright one who would be able to make him happy again.
Hideyoshi who was so much different from her.
Eyes lowered to the ground—an action she recently seemed to do unconsciously a lot more.
She couldn't do anything.
Hideyoshi's voice repeated in her head over and over like a never-ending loop. She hadn't known…
She hadn't known!
She hadn't known that the one causing Ken so much pain had been so close. She thought…
She thought but knew nothing.
"He didn't want to worry you," Hideyoshi had said.
He had known—Hideyoshi had known and yet she hadn't.
(She was the only one left in the dark.
She was the only one left playing the fool.)
Ken was so close to her all the time, and yet she hadn't noticed that his own mother had been—
Did she crave and wish for the love of a mother so much that she couldn't see through the façade—that she made her own illusion of a caring mother in the place of Ken's mother?
Was she that blind?
How could parents so easily damn their own child?
.
.
.
…
(She begins to doubt.)
Another month passed. She didn't know whether if Ken had healed, or he was feeling numbness and faking the act that he was fine.
She decided on the latter and lowered her head.
"Ne, Kimiko. What do you want to be when you grow older?" Hideyoshi asked, and Ken looked at her, blinking inquisitively.
"It's obvious, isn't it? I'm going to be a ghoul investigator."
"Yeah… but that's not what you want to be, right?"
She paused, heart stuttering in her chest as she thought and wished for what she could not have. What she wanted… Eyes shadowed by a curtain of hair, she opened her mouth to speak.
"I…"– have nothing– "have a lot of things I don't want to do, but I don't have anything in particular that I want to do."
.
.
.
What do I have?
.
.
...
A/N:
The quote:
"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone."—by Orson Welles.
Hey, it's been a while xD hahah... I'm sorry. I have no excuses? Other than a jaw surgery and being miserable during my first year of university. I actually started writing this on 1st April (hah! April Fools!), and I just finished writing the whole thing a few days ago. I know right. Such fast progress! (I bet the sarcasm is overflowing xD) Then I just finished editing it today whilst listening to White Silence (mmm... that song. I definitely recommend it to people who enjoy TK from Ling Tosite Sigure as he's the artist).
Hahah... for those who started reading this fanfic on my previous account, I published this in like December 2014 I think. Wow, 3 chapters in 2 years? You're so amazing, Chia! WOW! ...
*Kowtows* Sorry. I'm a disappointment. I know. I'll try harder from now on... but no promises! :D
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed! (less than 3 - because apparently fanfiction doesn't allow you to type that on here.)