3. But in order to get to the heart
I think sometimes you have to cut through

Jax wiped the tears off his face with a trembling hand, gathering up courage to begin the tale of his life, the dreams he had and which were destroyed, one by one, in a horrific chain of events, leaving his soul broken and his heart shattered to smithereens, barely surviving in this world with a great emptiness within him.

Jake watch his father with trepidation, gulping lump after lump, wondering the kind of story his father was about to tell him. He wasn't dumb; he'd always know his father's life was far from ideal, not just from Jax's almost hermit-like nature but also from his relation with his grandma, Gemma, and all the people who used to be a part of their life. Scarce talks with Gemma and no contact with his former brothers had been Jax's reality for the last nine years. A few friends he made once they moved to Dornet, rare nights out with them to the local pub, and that was it.

Being only vaguely aware of the cause for their moving, Jake never stopped wandering what it was that finally made his father cut all ties to his past life and family and retreat to a small town a whole day's ride from Charming. He was running away, that was evident. What from, though, was a mystery his father was finally willing to share with him.

Jax started his confession, his voice still raspy from the shock of seeing the diaries again and his long-unshed tears that finally found its way out.

"First of all, son, I want you to know the reason I haven't told you any of this before was because I didn't want my past to taint your future. I know that maybe I should have told you at least a part of the story about the MC and your grandparents, but I could never quite make myself do it. I didn't want you to hate me or look at me any differently because of what I used to be like, of what I used to do..." his voice trailed off as he bowed his head, as if struggling to gather up courage to continue.

Jake took his hand and making sure Jax was looking at him, he spoke with utter conviction, "Dad, nothing you tell me now will change the fact that I love you. You're my dad and we've been through so much since we've met... I won't let anything you tell me or anyone influence my opinion of you."

He saw his dad's eyes tear up again and for the umpteenth time that afternoon, Jake wondered just how much guilt and ache, maybe even regret, his father harboured in his heart and mind. What was that terrible, that horrible that made him act like this now?

Jax reached over and hugged his son, rustling his hair and Jake felt like a five-year-old kid again, standing in front of a man he just found out was his father. They shared a smile before Jax leaned back and his voice once more turned sombre. Jake focused on his words, hoping that by the end, he would have a better understanding of his father.

"You're such a good son, Jake. I can only ask of you to listen what I have to say and take note not to make my mistakes. I've only told you scarce details of my life, those related to your mother. As for the rest... My story doesn't being with Tara, not does it end with her. But she was, still is, a great part of my life I never could forget even if I wanted to. But I will get to her, eventually.

As you know, you had an uncle, Tommy. He died some eight months before I met Tara. I already told you about our family flaw." At this, Jake nodded and Jax continued. "Well, Tommy was always a sickly child. I remember him at only two years old, hooked on these machines, his scrawny body barely there anymore; his skin was almost transparent and what I recall so vividly is the blue of his veins and the hollowness of his eyes that regarded everyone with love and childish innocence, one that would never ripen into full understanding of life. "

Lost in his narration, Jax was unaware of the tears that started streaming down his face. Jake could barely contain not to cry too. His dad avoided telling him about his uncle for so many years, and for some reason, Jake almost wished he didn't start poking into the past. If this was only the beginning, Jake fear what the end might be like.

"Tommy never got to be a kid, never got to experience the joy of being a child and doing things other kids did, instead spending the following three years in and out of hospitals. Gemma and dad took him to all these specialists who would prescribe him tons of meds but none of them ever helped. We were getting desperate, Gemma being the only one who always kept at least an iota of hope, going to fortune-tellers, herbalists, basically frauds trying to find something that could save her son. "

Jake noticed it was getting increasingly difficult for Jax to talk, so he assumed the most painful part of the Tommy's story was coming. He braced himself for the impact of his father's words, even for the way in which Jax might react upon reliving the memory.

He wasn't wrong. Jax was choking with tears, memories that had been buried deep inside were seeking their way out, and as he spoke, Jax's hands began to shake again, yet he still reached for a cigarette.. Jake imagined it was to calm himself, have something to focus on other than what he was telling.

"And then one night... I was asleep when I heard Gemma scream and call for dad. When I got to Tommy's room dad was already on the phone, frantically calling 911 and mom was weeping and calling Tommy but he wouldn't answer.

A few hours later, he died," he stated matter-of-factly, thought Jake heard the hurt in his voice, letting him know Jax never got over his brother's death, inevitable as it was. Too concentrated on his father, Jake didn't notice he too was crying, warm tears falling down his cheeks. Both he and Jax sniffed as they wiped the tears away, but Jax still avoided any eye contact with Jake. Jake suspected it was because he was afraid he'd break down completely if he saw Jake, the mirror image of himself, reacting to his story like this.

Pain radiated off his father who looked crushed. Gone was the strong man who seemed to be able to shoulder the weight of the world. Instead, in his place was a fifteen-year-old boy who just lost his only sibling, the one person his life revolved around thitherto. Jake's heart ache for his father; he knew this was only the beginning of Jax's suffering and he dreaded to hear the rest.

"Even though doctors warned us... We knew he was going to die sooner or later, his body was giving out. We didn't even get to say goodbye to him. The thing is... I watched him perishing before my own eyes, day after day, putting on a brave face for mom, me... It's not what you would expect a five year old to do. Kids aren't suppose to be so bold and wise but by god he was. I could swear he knew he was to die soon though he kept on enduring for all of us," Jax breathed a sigh, looking bone-tired even though he was only now starting to get into the events that unfolded following Tommy's death, events that left him broken, dying on the inside.

"It didn't take long for my parents to start falling apart; their minds couldn't reconcile with the fact they would never see their son again. Dad was here and there, wandering god only knows where, he never could quite settle in one place after Tommy. He would disappear for weeks on end and never call, then appear out of the blue, his clothes torn and filthy, him reeking of alcohol. Then he would start fights with the guys from the club for no reason, and you know how they are... There's little they tolerate and John Teller, the president of SAMCRO acting the way he did, leaving his brothers behind then getting into brawls with them earned him no favours.

Gemma too... She was coping in a similar manner. Tommy was her favourite, I know, and his death broke her completely. She started sleeping in his room, stacking bottle after bottle at the foot of the bed while she cried herself to sleep clutching his pictures to her chest, surrounded by memories of him.

By the end, they just couldn't stand to be in the same room, my mom and dad. Dad moved out into the clubhouse but kept to his ways while the club was barely holding on under Piney's leadership."

Jake had a hard time wrapping his head around all that his father had just related to him. Jax watched his family break apart before his eyes. First his brother, then his parents' marriage, and his parents individually. Not only had he been witnessing that, but he had also been struggling on his own, Jake imagined, battling with himself and his emotions.

Had no one been concerned with that boy? How come it had been so easy for everyone to push him aside and bury themselves in their pain while ignoring a clearly distraught fifteen-year-old boy who was just becoming a man, who had already had to face and take on so much for such a young age?

"But, how did you feel?" Jake eventually asked, after some moments of silence in which Jax seemed lost in thought. Jake's question sobered him up, and he let out a pained laugh, raking a hand through his hair as if grounding himself.

"You know, funnily" – he started, even though both of them knew there was nothing funny abut this whole ordeal - "no one asked me that aside from Piney and Opie, and later Tara. I was a mess, Jake. Since the day Tommy was born we've all lived with this fear he would die any moment so our lives had been dedicated to him, his needs. When he... I think we all lost our direction, our purpose. None of us knew what we were supposed to do without Tommy since we were so used to planning our days around Tommy and his moods and states.

I started skipping school, smoking, and even drinking and occasionally smoking pot before Piney caught me and beat the shit out of me. Never thought of drinking afterwards. Truth be told, I didn't know how to handle it," he lifted his gaze towards his son and the anguish Jake saw in his eyes at that moment made him regret this day came, when he was faced with watching his father struggling like this. It was too much for his dad, he saw it clearly in the way Jax sort of withdrew into himself, hiding his face behind his hand as he covered it with his palm.

A moment later, Jake heard a loud intake of breath - discontinued, heavy. It took Jax a few moments to collect himself, moments which Jake used to gather courage to ask his dad a question that had been nagging at him since he read about it in Jax's journal.

"You..." he started, hesitantly, "You wrote you wanted to kil- commit suicide."

Jax nodded, yet again averting his gaze away from his son. Jake suspected he felt ashamed, though he himself knew there was nothing to be ashamed about. Pain, loneliness, the loss of a loved one... it had all piled up and Jax had no outlet. His parents hadn't been there to talk to him and ease his pain.

"Yeah. Some months after Tommy and my parents' estrangement my dad's best friend at the time, Clay, swooped in wanting to take advantage of the situation. I saw him more and more at our house, sitting with Gemma at our kitchen table or on the couch...I don't exactly know what it was they talked about. However, he did succeed in pulling her out of her addiction, getting her to sort herself out and start taking care of herself and the house. Not long afterwards, Clay became all she ever talked about – Clay this, Clay that. It got to the point of her going around suggesting Clay should take the lead as the head of the club. Of course, she had no say in the matter, but rules never stopped Gemma," he remarked bitterly. "Anyway, Piney was furious with her, saying how could she go behind her husband's and his back to campaign for someone she well knew both of them were at odds with. In his many furious rantings, Piney told me he suspected something going on between Clay and Gemma long before Tommy died, only he could never say anything to my dad for fear of hurting his best friend."

Jake could practically feel on his own skin the hate emanating off Jax and his words regarding Clay. Obviously, his father hated his guts, even after all these years. And, as Jake wondered, there had to be something more about Clay that made Jax basically loathe the man, aside from his relationship with Jake's grandma. Even Piney, whom Jake remembered only vaguely as a kind man, seemed to not have liked him, based on his father's words and his reaction.

"Some months later," Jax continued after taking a few minutes to calm down his ire, „dad sent word, saying he was coming back because he had something important to speak to me about. He never got home. His body was found soon after the letter came, semi-charred, barely recognizable. The police claimed he must've been riding by night and encountered a car or a truck. They said he must've had trouble braking or wanted to avoid collision so he made a turn..."

What? What in the world? Why was life so cruel and unyielding to his dad? Had his brother's death and his parents' estrangement not been enough of a torture? His heart went out to his dad, a man who went though such terrible life events, yet still managed to carry on and was still fighting, every day.

"I'm sorry dad. I'm sorry you had to go through so much at such a young age. You don't have to go on if you can't. I understand," Jake's voice broke as he fidgeted in his seat. He wasn't sure he could take listening all this pain in his father's voice, watching him struggle with words, emotions, memories.

Jax shook his head. "I want to tell you. This, all of these... feelings, thoughts, regrets... They've all been piling up over the years. It's better I let them out lest they continue to destroy me from the inside."

"You're a brave man, dad."

"There's nothing brave about me or my actions, son. To think how I could have ended up... By now, I think you realise the state of mind I was in at the time."

There was another pause as Jax stood up and walked to the fridge. Taking out two bottles of water, he brought them over to the table and gave one to Jake who accepted it with a slight smile.

The coolness of the bottle was a welcomed sensation in his warm, sweaty hands. He put the bottle against his forehead and Jax did the same. Jax lit another cigarette, his third since he began his narration. They sat like that, in silence, Jax smoking his cigarette, his gaze set on something in the distance, and Jake nervously shaking his leg and taking a few gulps at a time.

He understood his dad needed time to compose himself, but his mind itched to know what happened next. However, he didn't want to rush him. When he felt ready, he knew, his dad would continue telling him about his family.

Some ten minutes later, after Jake had drunk the whole bottle of water and got himself another one, and after Jax drunk half of his bottle and smoked another cigarette, a sign of Jax's own anxiety, Jake noted, Jax's eyes found his and he began to speak again.

"Dad and I were close, you know. Tommy had Gemma, and I had my dad. In spite of my brother's state and how our lives were basically governed by his illness, dad always made sure to have time for me. He'd take me out for bike rides or to circus whenever they came to town, or to the park when I was younger. It used to be our favourite place we could hang out, just the two of us. For at least a couple of hours. No Tommy, no Gemma, no talk of heart defects, of medications and side effects...

And he would be such a different person when we were alone like that. He used to tell me all these wild stories from his youth, back when he was just starting the club with Piney. He'd tell me about his time in war, how it affected him, how it changed him.

He lost hope, he'd say. Hope in human kind, in world leaders because they weren't the ones putting their lives on the line, but common men who believed in what was being preached. He saw so much death, destruction, blood to last him a lifetime. All he wanted was some peace, a nice woman he could settle with and have a family... The club was something of a family to him before he met Gemma. He gave his heart and soul to her... to think she betrayed him with one of his brothers, I could never fathom that," Jax shook his head as if warding off the thought of his mother and stepfather, the man Jake realised by now most certainly had a hand in his father's destiny.

"Anyway, after their deaths and mom getting closer and closer with Clay, I felt like there was no place for me in this world. I had no one to talk to, no one who could understand what I had been feeling for so many months. There was this void in me and no matter what I did, it was just there, all-present. I think for awhile Gemma forgot I even existed since she was trapped in her own happy bubble."

There it was again: defeat. Jake had a hard time believing his father would ever be so desperate to actually commit suicide. And yet, all that he had heard so far convinced him that constant pain and suffering could drive a person to do the unthinkable just to save themselves. He didn't feel pity for his father, though. Jake felt helpless because he wished he could do something, anything, to fix his father's broken heart, to mend his scars and make him feel better, if only for a moment.

As if noticing his son's inner turmoil, Jax voiced some of the doubts and questions that had plagued him for years, "Don't get me wrong, I was glad at least she managed to fight it, but to think my own mother was so focused on everything else but me hurts me to this day. I used to think about this a lot, what it would have been like had Clay not appeared as her saviour. Would she have turned to me for help? Would she have fallen even further into depression? Instead, what happened, after I met Tara and we started dating, all that unfolded from that moment... I was worse than anything I could have imagined."

To be continued...

Hello people of the fandom :D I'm so so so incredibly sorry I've been MIA for, like, two years?! WTF, right? Don't kill me yet, please!

What happened was this: well, first there was writer's block, fading interest in SOA (that happened, sadly) then I had a lot of uni stuff to deal with, then last September I graduated and got my BA degree so yaaay me :D Then there was writer's block again which seems to come and go as it pleases leaving me feeling like a fucking failure. Sometimes I'm just plain lazy to do anything let alone write which sucks since these stories, every single one of them is so vivid in my mind, and I know what I want to happen and how I want it to happen which is even worse, because I CAN'T MAKE MYSELF WRITE IT BECAUSE I'M THAT LAZY! My writing has suffered terribly, I know, but try and get pass that, 'key?

A lot of you guys messaged me asking how I was and what's happening with the stories. I'm grateful to all of you who were kind and respectful in your messages. It means so so much to me to know there are people who still care about my writing and my stories, who are patiently waiting for an update even though I have no schedule and I've left you guys hanging for, again, almost two years. I'm not promising I'm back for good this time around, sorry. I'm still testing out waters with my pending SOA stories.

I have a rough draft of this story though, so whenever I can, I will make myself write because I want to finish these stories to give my readers and myself a closure. It may take a looooong time, but lets keep our fingers crossed I finish at least two stories this year, okay?

As always, I am looking forward to your reviews and reading about your thoughts on this chapter.

We still have a long road ahead of us, this is just the beginning. A lot has happened in Jax's life, you have no idea. The events will unravel slowly and by the end, I hope to give you a full picture of what made Jax leave Charming, the club, and Gemma behind, why he is the way he is now, how Jake appeared in his life, and of course WHERE IN THE WORLD TARA IS. Is she alive/dead/missing?

'tll next time, xoxoxo