3/24 I'VE WAITED HERE FOR YOU
Conclusion of "Glasses". Finally some angst wahahaha. Hope you all like it, I shirked homework for this monster ^^;
Enjoy lovelies~
"Nope Sousuke, I insist," Momo looked him in the eye as he shoved his money to the waiter, "lunch is my treat."
"I wish you would quit treating me like a poor college student," the taller man grumbled.
"But you are~" Momo sing-songed, jumping to his feet, "alright, now I'm taking you home to see my bug collection!"
"Do I have to?" Sousuke sighed through his nose.
"You promised!" Momo whined, sounding like his high school self for a moment. He reached out and snagged Sousuke's arm, swinging it to drive his point home. "It won't take long; it only fills one room."
Sousuke watched Momo's eager and hopeful expression with vague amusement. He could feel a strange stirring of emotion deep in his heart. Foreign...but at the same time achingly familiar. He quickly pushed it away.
"Alright, but you can save the monologue about each bug's genus and species for lecture, okay?" He conceded with a melodramatic sigh.
"Excellent!" Momo cheered, shifting his grip on Sousuke's arm to hold his hand, fingers moving thoughtlessly to lace together.
They froze mid motion; both staring down at their entwined hands as though they were alien.
"Um. The train…" Sousuke dropped his hand.
"Right, we'll miss it!" Momo hastily straightened his glasses, following Sousuke outside.
They remained in uncomfortable silence all the way to the train stop, waiting for the train, and the entire train ride until they reached Momo's stop.
Sousuke's hand burned from the contact. It had been thoughtless, but he wished it hadn't. No. That was a lie. The terrifying moments they had held hands brought back too many painful memories. The summer after his graduation, when Momo had unwittingly stumbled into his father's shop looking for work to start saving for college. They had worked together, become close friends, and in the most cliche way possible; they had fallen for each other. Sousuke had been reluctant to admit the attraction was real - that this wasn't just misplaced camaraderie from the workplace, or some stupid summer fling. He had been ready to try to love someone else again.
But then summer ended, and the peaceful afternoons spent stocking shelves, stealing kisses behind the shed, enjoying the warmth of the sun together, or listening to the rain pound on the shed's tin roof disappeared. Momo visited as often as school permitted, but Sousuke found himself pining for the summer, where they could see each other more often. He knew it was terribly selfish to want to keep Momo all to himself, but he was finally becoming used to the idea that he loved him. It was a strange, painful feeling - somehow this bug-crazy ball of sunshine had wormed his way into every part of Sousuke's life, chipped away the ice around his heart and warmed what remained. Annoying, loud, spaztic, those were the words he would use to describe Momo, and somehow that was just what he needed to irritate Sousuke past his apathy. Momo cared too much, and all that caring had inevitably rubbed off onto Sousuke.
The next summer came, and it was nothing like Sousuke had wanted. Momo still worked, but he began gradually scheduling hours different from Sosuke, dodging an explanation whenever asked.
Finally, Sousuke, torn apart by betrayal and disappointment, confronted Momo, who admitted bashfully that he had already been accepted into a prestigious university - far away from Samezuka. He wanted to ease apart their relationship before he was ferried away by college. On one hand Sousuke was impressed by his foresight, on the other, he was enraged. Momo could have told him earlier, he would have understood, right? Except he knew that wasn't the case; when he opened himself up enough to love, he loved with his whole being. It wasn't something he could so easily retract. Any separation would be messy and painful, and it was for that reason he usually chose to keep his emotions locked behind a sheet of ice. But with Momo...he had come so far, remembering how wonderful feeling, actually feeling, could be. He didn't want to give it up.
Momo told him staunchly it would be better if they remained friends.
Pain. Pain was a part of feeling. A part Sousuke would have rather lived without.
So they stayed friends; Sousuke supported Momo as much as he could. Because he could look in the mirror and lie to himself that he only loved Momo as a friend, when in reality it ran so much deeper.
Graduation came. Sousuke pulled Momo aside and hugged him tightly. The red head gently told him to remember what they were. "I don't want to make any stupid promises," Sousuke had said, "and I don't want to hold you back in any way but...if...you don't find someone...I'll be waiting here for you." Momo had nodded once, twice and touched his cheek, holding the contact just long enough to convey that he understood.
And that was the last he heard from Momo. Most of them, the guys from Iwatobi, eventually Nitori, and even Rin. They drifted apart. All of them becoming successful while Sousuke stayed static. The ice rebuilt itself in force.
Until today. Those few seconds in the diner shattered his resolve. He felt raw and empty, love was like that when unrequited.
Momo remained silent on the train, eyes peering over at Sousuke who kept clenching and unclenching the hand he had touched, lost in thought. Frankly if Momo hadn't been gripping the cool metal rail until his knuckles turned white, he would be doing the same.
'He might still care about you,' Momo's treacherous mind whispered. He replaced the thoughts with pragmatism - caring about him now would mean Sousuke had in the first place. And of that...he was still uncertain. Even if it was something he thought he wanted. Momo wore his emotions on his sleeves, it was something he always did and probably enjoyed. Though over the years, he had found that a layer of practicality served as good barrier to prevent those feelings from constantly boiling over the surface. If practicality was like a solid, particles stable, then emotions were a gas, erratic and filling every possible space. The moment Sousuke had appeared in his life again, Momo could feel the solidity of his pragmatism start to change states. He melted on the inside every time he caught those clear aqua eyes, and a substance could only take so much before it changed states permanently. Hearts didn't obey the laws of physics, but when he'd inadvertently held Sousuke's hand in the diner, it had skipped the transition stage and gone straight to sublimation*. And now the particles of his feelings swirled and spun inside him until they filled every fiber of his being.
For someone with so many emotions, he really hadn't ever learned how to handle them. The moment he saw Sousuke enrolled in his class, he mentally prepared himself for their reunion. He didn't want the past to be a factor; he just wanted to be friends with Sousuke again. Unfortunately for Momo, Sousuke had never been a definable factor in his life, and if anything, that hadn't changed in the past decade.
The train reached the stop at long last. Momo made brittle small talk as he lead Sosuke to his house; a small, nondescript two bedroom flat (though one of the bedrooms currently housed Momo's ever growing bug collection). In a detached manner, he pointed out the different rooms of the house; his living room, the tiny kitchen, water closet, and bathroom.
Sousuke made himself not hang onto Momo's every word, reminding himself that his voice used to annoy him, and that the entire basis of his renewed feelings was ridiculous. Momo avidly showed him around his bug collection - disturbingly extensive. Moths and butterflies were preserved in cases along the walls, with various beetles and insects preserved in individual jars. Between chattering, Sousuke noticed him frequently adjusting his glasses. It was a nervous habit, and he seemed more agitated than usual. Could it be possible that he too was feeling.
No. Stop. It's impossible. Pretend to enjoy the bugs, Sosuke scolded.
"Recognize this one?" Momo held up a mason jar with a large stag beetle inside.
"Should I?"
"It's Pyunsuke!" Momo announced, grinning despite his jitteriness.
"You...uh…"
"Well he got old and died, so I taxidermied him."
"Oh," Sousuke managed.
"I taxidermied pretty much all of these, except the Luna Moth, that one I bought from overseas."
"Uh huh."
"Okay, enough weirding you out, want some tea before you go?" He offered.
"Sure," Sousuke agreed, grateful to be leaving the bug room. Being surrounded by so many bugs - albeit dead - still made him uncomfortable. Momo's enthusiasm was adorable; that was the one thing that kept Sousuke from complaining about or being disgusted by his bizarre interests. Seeing someone be passionate about something was admirable.
The tea was ready in a few minutes, and despite his best efforts, Momo's hands shook as he poured it, still full of that awful jitteriness.
"Momo, why are you so nervous?" Sousuke asked.
"I! Um, I did that… thing...at the restaurant, I was afraid I made you mad," he floundered.
"I'm not mad. It just startled me."
"Why do you say that?"
Sousuke set down his tea, "obviously you don't like me in that way so-"
"Who says I don't?" Momo blurted before he could stop.
Sosuke raised an eyebrow, "I wouldn't believe you."
"You doubt me?!" He exclaimed.
"We broke up, I don't think I need to explain," Sousuke retained that infuriatingly calm demeanor.
"That doesn't mean I just quit caring!" Momo set down the tea pot with indignance.
"How should I have known? - when I haven't heard any indication for the last ten years!" Sousuke frowned, an ice storm brewing behind his aqua eyes.
"I - I was -" Momo stammered.
"Let me guess, you were 'busy' - just like everyone else, moving on with their perfect lives, leaving me behind," the bitterness in his tone came out in force.
"Who's fault is that?" Momo snapped, regretting it an instant later.
Sousuke jumped to his feet, fists balled at his sides. Momo shrank back. He may have nearly been eye to eye with Sousuke in height, but he still out bulked Momo significantly.
"My fault?! I was waiting for you! All those years, you could have come home, you could have said something - when you graduated or got your first job. I would have loved to hear from you!" His tone was raw with anger.
"I did come home," Momo whispered.
"Then why...didn't you ever say something?!" His voice started soft and crescendoed.
"Because I was scared!" Momo yelled, "I wanted to figure out my own future first, okay? I needed to know that I wasn't just some...preoccupation for you!"
"Preoccupation!?" Sousuke bellowed.
"You were so obsessed with Rin for all those years, when you two decided it would never work between the two of you, I had to make sure I wasn't just some object you were projecting your feelings onto when you were healing from getting over Rin."
"Momo, it was never like that-"
"But how could I know? I was sixteen and you...were the first person I thought I fell in love with. I was terrified that your emotions weren't true, or that I was just going through some stupid...infatuation. I didn't even know what love was," he shook his head. "So I'm sorry if I hurt you. I never meant to," he pulled off his glasses to compulsively clean them; a nervous habit that utterly infuriated Sousuke.
He lunged forward before Momo could replace his glasses and kissed him full on the mouth, holding his head still with one large hand. Momo squirmed under his grip, finally finding the strength to pull away.
"Sousuke no!" Momo protested, "we're finished. I'm sorry the past decade has hurt you so much, but the best thing you can do is forget about all this and move on."
Sosuke stared at him like he was a stranger; this wasn't the Momo he knew. This was the Momo who had had ten years of scientific rationality shoved down his throat. He hated it. Momo was his piece or irrationality - he had offset the balance of Sousuke's predetermined life in the best of ways. Could it be that the Momo he loved was gone?
"I think you should go," Momo whispered. Without his glasses, Sousuke's face was the slightest bit blurry. He leaned forward just enough to fix the focus, noting with surprise that Sousuke's eyes were rimmed red, mouth slack, as though on the verge of tears.
He gave a curt nod and walked out.
Momo stalled for a whole two seconds before regretting everything he said.
Sousuke really had loved him. All this time he'd wasted, telling himself otherwise.
And if he somehow hadn't destroyed everything, Sousuke still loved him.
He bolted out the door after him.
Momo chased him to the train station, sliding onto the train car just as the doors were closing. It wasn't until then he realized he'd left his glasses back at his flat. Sousuke stood directly in front of him - Momo was close enough to see that.
"What are you doing?" Sousuke hissed.
"You're getting off at the next stop and we are talking," Momo said firmly.
"We have nothing to talk about," the taller man glared down at him coldly.
"Fine. But you have to at least get off at the next stop to help me."
"And why do I owe you that favor?"
Momo looked away abashed, "because I left my glasses at home and I can't read the signs without them."
Sousuke made a frustrated sound through his teeth; but he was in no way horrible enough to let Momo stumble around the train station blindly.
"Fine," he hissed, "but after that, I'm gone, alright."
Momo nodded, squinting pathetically without his glasses.
Sousuke looked like he could have flipped the information kiosk when it told him the next train wouldn't arrive for another twenty minutes.
"There's a park across the street," Momo said softly.
"How do you know that if you can't see?" Sousuke snapped.
"I um, come here sometimes to catch bugs," he mumbled.
"Of course," Sousuke said scathingly.
"For research," he added weakly.
Sousuke grunted and started walking towards the park, saying nothing when Momo ashamedly hooked his fingers around Sousuke's elbow so as to be guided across the busy street.
They found a park bench, sitting on absolute opposite ends before descending into painful silence for a good five minutes.
"Sousuke, I'm sorry- I - I didn't know-" Momo began pitifully, unable to stand the tension.
"Enough, Momo. It's done. I shouldn't have gotten mad at you," Sousuke stared straight ahead.
"No...you had every right to," he sighed.
Sousuke exhaled, "whatever we might have been in the past, well, it certainly doesn't matter now."
"But you wish it did," he murmured 'and so do I', he thought miserably.
"Doesn't change the fact that it's meaningless," he said bitterly.
Momo peered at Sousuke though he couldn't read his expression through his blurry eyes.
"It must have been hard, everyone moving away…going on to bigger and probably better things. You probably felt abandoned, and it's partially my fault," Momo squeezed his eyes shut.
"It may have been like that at first, but eventually I began self-perpetuating the abandonment," he wrung out his hands, "it was a preemptive strike; I didn't want to hold anyone back from their future, so I thought they'd be better off if I let them be."
"You underestimate your worth," Momo murmured, "I got so caught up in advancing in my education that...I forgot all of you. Especially you."
Sousuke stayed silent and Momo still couldn't see his expression.
"What you said at graduation...that you'd wait for me...you really meant all that?" It wasn't condescending nor mocking nor incredulous. He stared at Sousuke as a scientist does a subject: quiet awe mixed with fascination, and the slightest amounts of...appreciation.
"I was waiting for you," his voice broke a little, "I was waiting when I should have come to find you."
"You never...found anyone else?" Sousuke shook his head, "neither did I…" Momo whispered. It was killing him not to be able to see Sousuke's expression, not knowing if he was butchering this conversation or making progress. His body worked against his mind, scooting closer to the taller man until finally, just inches away, he came into focus. Sosuke recoiled a bit from Momo's sudden closeness, eyes wide and full of fear and anxiousness.
'He should hate me,' Momo thought, 'this whole time I've been playing off his affections like they were meaningless, just because I was too scared to accept what was right in front of me.'
Momo reached for his hand; a motion so ingrained in his head he couldn't believe that at any point he had forgotten it. Sousuke kept leaning farther back - if he leaned anymore he'd fall off the bench.
This knowledge in mind, he leaned forward and kissed Sousuke, just the barest brush of lips on lips. Sousuke froze, eyes so wide he looked petrified. Momo kept his forehead pressed against his, the tips of their noses touching. He drew in steadying breaths through his mouth, eyes never leaving Sousuke who, for the first time, he felt he could finally see clearly.
"Is this what you want?" Momo breathed.
Sousuke responded by grabbing a handful of Momo's hair to crush their lips together again - painful and messy. Momo tilted his head to give Sousuke a better angle; his hands came to cup Sosuke's jaw, thumbs running nonsensical patterns over his sideburns. Sousuke kissed him achingly slow, like he always had - the only thing that could keep Momo grounded and still.
They pulled apart, burning with the intensity of the feeling. Momo couldn't take his eyes off Sousuke, and clearly he felt the same.
"Only if this is what you want," he sighed, finally answering the question that felt so far away it hardly need an answer.
Momo answered by throwing his arms around Sousuke's neck, hugging him like his life depended upon it. Sousuke held him back, those strong arms warm and steady around his waist.
Far off in the distance, a train whistle blew, jolting the two apart.
"The train!" they exclaimed almost simultaneously, sprinting back across the street and just barely making it inside before the doors closed.
Sandwiched among the other passengers, Sosuke felt comforted by Momo leaning flush against him, he linked their pinkies as they laughed breathlessly. Momo's face was flushed, lips swollen and smile wide. Even Sousuke's cheeks held the hint of a blush, expression open and just the slightest bit dazed.
Back at Momo's flat, they cuddled on his couch after he forbade Sousuke to return to his apartment until morning. Momo lay almost completely atop Sousuke, long arms draped loosely around his neck, head nestled in the crook of his shoulder. Sousuke's arms wound around Momo's waist, his thumb traced absent circles over the skin of his hip where his shirt had hiked up, their legs tangled underneath an old crocheted afghan.
"I want to try this again," Momo murmured into his neck, "the two of us, I mean."
Sousuke pressed a soft kiss to his forehead, "so do I."
Momo smiled, shifting one arm long enough to remove his glasses and set them on the coffee table. He nestled into Sousuke again, eyes fluttering closed.
And Sousuke fell asleep to the sound of Momo's gentle breathing - to a feeling of belonging that he hoped he'd never fall asleep without for the rest of his life.
Sublimation - when a substance goes from a solid directly to a gas, without a liquid state.
Tomorrow's Prompt: First