I'm sorry it took so long for me to update! I am a lazy human being with permanent writer's block. Please forgive me. * Bow, bow* It's here now, though. Thank you Seikatsu-chan for the "encouragement" (lol) and the grand idea to introduce more characters XD And now, enough of my blather, ONWARD!
Welcome back to Edward Elric's FairyHunt… The last time we saw our heroes, they had come to realize a terrible truth: that Edward and Alphonse's dear friend Winry was in fact, a fan of Edward Cullen. However, despite the fact that Ed and his troops were set out to capture Cullen, Winry has decided to join them, along with her trusted companion Den. Where will they start? Will they capture Edward Cullen in this chapter? Or, will I milk it as long as possible and make you all wait until the next chapter? Most likely. But, only time will tell…
"I can't believe this." Ed sighed, shoving aside a branch. He and his troops had been tromping through the forests of Resembool for hours, with nothing to eat but a few melons King Bradley had given to Roy before hand and a few sandwich crusts that had been found in Envy's skirt pocket –heaven knows why.
"What?" Winry asked. Ed sighed again, gazing forlornly into the distance.
"That… You're an Edward Cullen fan." Winry smacked him upside the head with her wrench.
"Will you just get over it? You've said that five times within the past hour! Not to mention the other twenty times you've said it in the last three hours we've been out here!" She scowled.
"He's a terrible actor!" Ed screamed, flailing his arms in a way only an anime character could. If Al had eyes, he would have been rolling them.
"Shut up, Ed!"
"Why do you like him?"
"We're not talking about this here."
"He's a giant sparkling pixie!" Once again, Winry's wrench collided with Ed's head, and no one waited for him to pick himself up and scramble back to the head of the group.
"This isn't working." Roy sighed, looking more and more regretful that he'd come along by the minute. Ed put his hand on his chin in a thoughtful manner.
"You're right." Oh, how it killed him to say that aloud. "These woods are too big. We'll have to split up, to cover more ground." He decided. There were a few grumbles, and a comment from an unnamed source (cough, cough, Envy) that the only reason Ed wanted to split up was so that he could be alone with his girlfriend, but in the end they decided it was the best idea.
"Alright, let's-"
"If you say "Let's split up gang", I'll kill you." Roy warned. Ed fell silent, and without another word, they split up into groups of two and headed off into the wilderness in search of Cullen…
"So…"
"… So."
Al and Envy walked in an uncomfortable silence, both pointedly looking ahead. It was odd enough that Envy had come along with his main enemies in the first place, but now that he was left alone with one –the goody-two-shoes nice kitten loving flower field minded one no less! –things had reached a new level of awkward.
"So… Have you… Uhm, caused any new massacres lately?" Al asked, trying to start up a conversation.
"A few, here and there." Envy shrugged. Al nodded, wishing he could have gone with Roy or Den. Why did Ed have to drag him on this stupid quest any way?
"I think my brother might be under the influence of crack…" Al admitted miserably. Nvy laughed.
"Really? That's weird. Lust says that about me all the time!" he grinned. Al made a point of shuffling several steps away from him, though Envy didn't seem to notice.
"Is that why you came with us?" Al asked. Envy shook his head.
"Nah. I came with you because the author of this fic is most likely on crack too, and she's already derailed my character to the point of no return, so I figured, why no?" Al stared at him blankly for a second, then sighed. This was going to be a long afternoon…
"And that's why Hawkeye won't go out with me." Roy sighed heavily, glooming over in an anime-style, with black lines drooping all over his head. "It's a cruel world, isn't it?" He looked down at Den, who was staring at him with quiet dog-like curiosity. Roy sighed again.
"I don't even know why I'm out here. I guess I just didn't want to do any more of that paperwork…" Again, by paperwork, he meant doodles of Hakuro in a dress and vandalisms of the pictures of his subordinates, but Den wouldn't know that. "To tell you the truth, I don't even think we'll find this fairy of Edward's." He admitted. Den trotted along, still not saying a word.
"I know you can't talk. I just like pretending you can." Roy sighed, patting the dog on the head. "Maybe if I catch the fairy, Hawkeye will finally go out with me…"
"For the last time, Ed, I don't believe that Edward Cullen is a fairy!" Winry screamed, raising her wrench threateningly. Ten minutes alone, and the first thing out of Ed's mouth was "Why do you like Edward Cullen?" Why couldn't he just drop this? It wasn't Winry's fault that she bent to the will of a sparkling man with giant hair who couldn't act. It was simply her hormones doing crazy things to her mind.
"Fine! Fine, I get it." Ed sighed, finally admitting defeat. The two walked in silence, until Ed dared to speak up again.
"So… Do you think that Armstrong is a vampire?" Winry laughed.
"No way. He's definitely a werewolf." Ed gasped.
"But he sparkles! And if Cullen and his vampire groupies sparkle, then that has to mean that Armstrong is a vampire too!" He cried, backing his theory with any Twilight fan's knowledge –though Ed was not a fan of Twilight.
"Come on, Ed. He never wears a shirt, he's uber buff –he takes off his shirt every two panels for no particular reason. He's got to be a werewolf." Winry countered, using her fangirl knowledge to defend herself. Ed sighed loudly.
"You and I don't agree on anything!" He wailed.
"Will you stop whining? You've been acting really weird ever since you showed-" Amidst her yelling, Ed clamped a hand over her mouth. She tried to bite it (forgetting it was automail) but Ed quickly shushed her (which was good, because automail breaks your teeth. All of them. Trust me in this one, don't bite automail.).
"Winry." He hissed, pointing with his free arm. "Look!" Glancing through the bushes, Winry felt her heart stop.
"Oh my God." She whispered as Ed took his arm away. It wasn't possible. It was-
"Edward Cullen." They whispered in unison.
The two manga stars stood stalk still, watching in awe as the sparkling creature walked out into a conveniently placed beam of sunlight, unbeknownst of his two blonde stalkers. Ed and Winry stared as his cheap white makeup began to glitter in the sun.
"Winry, look." Ed whispered. They watched as, from his back, two enormous butterfly wings began to spread.
"Wow. Um, they're… Very… Colorful." Winry muttered, staring awkwardly as the two rainbow wings spread. Well. This was embarrassing. Winry stood there, anime tears streaming down her face as she tried to ignore the image of her fandom love standing with rainbow butterfly wings extending from his back. Why did this have to happen? Now she had to go back to facing reality and realizing that her only possible pairings were with a midget or a suit of armor! Why?
"This changes things." Ed muttered. "We're gonna need a much bigger net."
Envy and Al had been wandering around for about half an hour when Envy heard a strange rustling sound in the bushes.
"OMG a rustling sound." He said loudly, pointing out the obvious in a way that most derailed characters would. Al again wondered why he had allowed Ed to drag him into this.
"I guess we should check it out. After all, it might be Edward Cullen." Al shrugged, pushing through the bushes. Envy gripped his fairy net like a weapon, following the giant suit of armor into the foliage.
What they found was not Edward Cullen. What they found was something else. Something just as terrifying.
"Oh my God." The two breathed. "It's Jacob Black." Al and Envy stood there stupidly for a moment, unsure what to do. Al honestly hadn't expected to run into anyone from Twilight, and Envy didn't think that his net was going to be much help right now.
"What should we do?" Al asked nervously. Envy shrugged.
"I dunno. We could beat him up and force him to tell us where Cullen is." Envy grinned wickedly at the thought. Al frowned, the best he could without a moving mouth.
"Or, we could just ask him where Edward Cullen is." He pointed out, and Envy gave him a look that clearly stated this was the stupidest idea he'd ever heard. Al sighed, shaking his head as he approached the werewolf. Homunculi were always so violent. Envy was currently wondering if all suits of Armor were so sickeningly goody-two-shoes.
"Hello! Hey, you there!" Al called. Jacob Black turned to face him. This was probably a very awkward moment for him. There he was, a three-dimensional character from a chick-flick standing shirtless in the middle of a two-dimensional forest. Really, Envy and Al has nothing to worry about. Jacob was in no position to do anything.
"… Hi." He gave a tiny wave.
"Hi! You're Jacob Black, right? From Twilight?" Al asked. He nodded. "Okay, have you seen Edward Cullen?"
"We're looking for him." Envy had one of his disturbingly creepy grins on as he said this, and he was wielding his net –still –in a weapon-like manner. Jacob raised an eyebrow at Envy, then dismissed him as another crazy fangirl.
"That's not a good idea." He shrugged.
"B-But why!" Al cried.
"Because, he's a fairy." Jacob rolled his eyes, like this was the most obvious thing in the world. Al and Envy exchanged glances.
"Well, yeah. That's kind of why we're looking for him." Envy growled back. Again, Jacob looked perplexed.
"Why would you go looking for a fairy? Don't you know what those things can do to a well-developed character?" Jacob frowned. Again, Envy and Al looked worried.
"Wh-What?" Al asked nervously.
"Fairies have the power to derail a character beyond the point of return. Kind of like a fanfiction author, only worse, because they come down in the form of sparkling weirdoes and Mary sues." Jacob explained. "Everyone knows that." Al frowned, remembering Ed's determination to find Cullen.
"Oh no! My brother's looking for him right now! What should I do!" he cried, teetering in a nervous anime-y style. Envy shrugged.
"Hmm… When was he first exposed to the fairy?" Jacob asked.
"Uhm… Last night, about 16 hours ago, I think. We were watching Twilight, but he watched it all night, again and again…" Al admitted. Jacob frowned.
"And how well-developed of a character is he?"
"Pretty well-developed, I'd say. Definitely not a Gary stu, if that's what you mean." Al shrugged.
"Oh no… This is bad." Jacob looked nervous. "The more well-developed a character is, the more susceptible they are to derailment!" Al gasped in horror, while Envy tied his net into a knot and began trying to untwine it. He was already derailed beyond belief. He couldn't care less about the fairy's powers.
"What should we do!" Al cried.
"Come on, we haven't a second to lose!" And then, with all his dramatic werewolfy glory, Jacob Black took off, with Al and Envy running behind.
Now that Edward Cullen's true powers have been revealed, what will become of our heroes? Will they be able to get to Ed in time? Or… Will he be derailed and demoted to a Gary stu! Only time will tell. Stay tuned, for the next installment of: Edward Elric's Fairy Hunt.
I've always wanted to do pokemon-style intros and endings XD My life is now complete ^_^