Author's Note: I'm so sorry that this took so long, I never expected it to. It's a longer chapter though! so the song that is in this Calie found after I'd worked out all the deatails and what not to it. it fitst perfect. it's called Brick and it's by Ben Folds. thank you Lauren for helping with all of this! it still wouldn't be posted without you. enjoy!

The bar had picked up a swirl of colors and faces as he sat on the stool for what felt like hours. He'd heard plenty of conversations and stories about this and that. when Nate had become a regular at Wally's he wasn't sure, but, it had been years now. Any little thing that would numb the pain for a while and make it all feel better made him crave it. It was past one, two, three, four shots and he was just feeling the effects. Sometimes it intensified his memories of what they'd once head, it brought him more of the what could have bees. Other nights the liquor made him hallucinate, making him think he actually had a them to go home to. Once and a while the alcohol would take it all away and for a little bit in time he wouldn't remember everything he'd lost.

He'd given anything in the past years just to make it go away for a little while. Going so far as letting Chuck pay for women to try and please him. They'd come and stay for hours on end but none of it ever seemed to work. The only one he'd ever wanted was her. Nate missed her uncontrollably and the fact that they'd been so close made him regret every breath he took.

College was something Nate could hardly remember, he'd gotten his degrees and what not but none of it had meant anything to him. Nothing ever meant anything to him anymore. When his father died of a heart attack the Christmas eve after everything had gone down Nate hadn't even cried. He'd spent a whole year of his life crying and refused to do it over something else. When his mother informed him that all accounts and everything were now in his name he nodded his head and tuned her out. As she added that she'd someday like to have a daughter in law and maybe some grandchildren he'd viciously told her to 'fuck off'. That was when the fact that the old Nathaniel Archibald was gone, gone for good and never returning.

"Come on Joe, one more"

His drunken and miserly voice begged as he pushed the empty shot glass away from him and motioned for the bar tender to bring him another. He'd spent hours there already, contemplating his life and wondering why the hell everything had gone the way it had.

"Nate, you sound to me like you've had more then enough."

Dan's voice in back of him made him turn to face the door of the bar and with a goofy drunken grin across his face he picked his hand up like a drunken cheerleader and waved it in Dan's direction. 'Yea, I've got him. Love you too' Dan mumbled into his cell phone before he hung it up and advanced toured the guy he'd become rather close to over the years.

Nate would have done anything to have what Dan had, he'd been so close to having everything that Dan had. If things had just been a little different he would have had it all.

"Nate, come on… I think you've had enough for the night"

Shaking his head he again motioned for the bartender to bring him another as Dan took a seat beside him with a loud sigh. He hated that he had to be the one to go out and find Nate like this every week. He'd always felt responsible for Vanessa's actions in leaving him. It would have been a lot different had he actually known the whole story to everything that had gone on before Vanessa had taken off from all of their lives more then sixteen years ago and everyone had seen the difference and impact it had made in Nate's life.

"I've never had enough Dan, it's because of her. She left and she destroyed me. Never mind the baby, that's all just a little detail in how badly I wanted her. We could have and would have had a family if she hadn't been so damn afraid of trusting me."

Dan looked at Nate as though he were insane, the words coming out of Nate's mouth weren't adding up to the Vanessa they both knew and loved. She wouldn't have done something like that to someone, ever.

"It all started on a fucking Christmas morning."

6 am day after Christmas
I throw some clothes on in the dark
The smell of cold
Car seat is freezing
The world is sleeping
I am numb

They were sitting in the middle of her dorm room floor on the bright colored round rug that didn't match anything else in the room. His hands were plastered on her knees as he'd been rubbing circles on her sweat pant covered legs for the past twenty minuets as she'd tried to summon the nerves and ability to pick up the three and a half inch stick. She'd sat there just looking at it, wishing it was would go away and the whole ugly moment would have just been a dream. This wasn't supposed to be how Christmas was spent. She'd promised him a tacky Christmas and he'd made her swear she'd take whatever he'd bought her. How all of that had gone so down hill she wasn't sure. It could have been when she'd called him at three in the morning cussing up a storm. By the time he'd gotten there at seven she'd been in a shocked state sitting there staring straight ahead at the calendar counting the days on it over and over. They never changed and the little red dot that was on or around the fifth of every month other month on the calendar was not on the month of December, nor was it any time in the twenty days following.

He'd gotten there and banged on her dorm room door as calm as he could do with the brown paper bag in his hand, though he had a feeling he was a lot calmer then she was behind the door. Even in the small convenience store he'd stopped at when the jet landed he'd been almost calm. He'd stood in front of the shelves at the store looking at all of the different types boxes as he'd ran a hand through his dark sandy hair thinking to him self that 'everything happened for a reason'. It was all a factor of fate, and wasn't fate what had brought them together in the first place? How could this have been so wrong?

Using the key she'd given him months ago he pushed open the door to find the room completely trashed. She had clothes out all over the place, pictures were thrown around in a careless manner, and water bottles were tossed onto the floor. He was worried, more worried then he'd ever been about her. He'd finally found her sitting on the chair in front of the calendar with her knees pulled to her chest as she looked blankly at the dates.

Completely taken back was exactly how he'd felt when she'd let him pull her up from the chair and hold her so tightly to his chest. He'd expected her to beat his chest defensively, taking out all of her nerves and pain on his chest. The fact that she hadn't started beating against him scared him. She'd just him so tightly and so close he wasn't sure if he was still breathing. She was shaking, not from crying but just from nerves. He'd lead her with just a simple kiss to her temple, without any words to the bathroom to put the kiss of death on the fate she already knew.

Up the stairs to her apartment
She is balled up on the couch
Her mom and dad went down to Charlotte
They're not home to find us out
And we drive
Now that I have found someone
I'm feeling more alone
Than I ever have before

That was how they'd gotten to the spot they were in now, sitting in the middle of the rug. She had her eyes shut tight with the hope that she was wrong and her suspicions were all incorrect. That the twenty missed days on the calendar were just because she'd written down a wrong date, or that it wasn't really Christmas. But as she took a sharp intake of breath she reached a shaky hand out and with one swift turn of the wrist flipped over the stick as Nate grabbed her free hand tightly as they both looked down at the results.

"Fuck"

Her voice was as strong yet weaker then it had ever been in a way. She'd never looked so horrified or distraught in all the years that they'd been together, or in some cases on and off. He felt her hand suddenly tense in his till he was pushed away as she scrambled to get to her feet and get away from him.

"Vanessa don't do this. Please don't do this."

Nate begged as he placed a hand on her shoulder trying to both comfort her and make her see that it wasn't the end of the world. There were far worse things that happened then the circumstances that were going on. He could make everything alright, she just needed to trust him.

"I don't want you to touch me"

Her voice was harsh and irritated as she jerked her shoulder away from him when he tried to comfort her. He could see all of the worry, pain, and disaster in her eyes as he reached out yet again to move a piece of hair out of her face. Hazel was flooded with glossy tears and part anger and he just wanted to make it all go away. She jerked away from him again and turned her back to him so he couldn't see everything that was going on in her face, how all of this was killing her. Not a second of it was what she wanted and they both knew that.

She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

"V, I know we didn't plan this. Hell, did Dan and Serena plan Clove? Why does this have to be the end of the world? Just take a second Vanessa, look at the big picture."

Walking closer to her again he didn't give her much of a choice as he put his arms around her upper arms so she couldn't push him away as he pulled her back against his chest. He held her wrists tightly as his lips whispered into her ear all the things that were suddenly on his mind. All of the images and prospective memories that could come of it all if she'd just for five minuets trust it.

"I know, I know this isn't planned V, but we did this. It took you and I to make that stick turn pink whether you like it or not we messed up. Why do we have to regard it as a mess up? I'd do anything for you Vanessa, you know I'd do anything for you."

He held strongly to her wrists as he held her tight as he could to his chest trying to get her to break down and see his way. Maybe if he held her and whispered to her she'd see what he meant and cave into his feelings.

"I've seen you with Clover Vanessa, your amazing with her. The way that little girl's face lights up whenever her auntie enters a room. why can't we have that? Come on Vaness, you and I both know we can do it."

She wasn't listening to him now, she'd managed to pull her hands up over her ears as she tried best to fill with anger rather then sadness. She wasn't about to cave into him, she'd done enough by taking a chance and falling in love with him. All of this was not any parts she'd expected or even wanted. They were twenty years old, twenty was far from the twenty eight she'd decided on.

"I don't want to be a mother right now. I don't want to be pregnant. Just stop this, please just stop. I don't want to have your baby Nate."

Her last string of words stuck a cord and she could see nothing but the pain in his perfect deep ocean eyes as she turned to face him. They both knew then what she wanted and what she was planning. He was crumbling in front of her and she'd caused it this time rather then him causing it to her. Rather then him pulling away like a normal distraught male, he held her closer and kissed the top of her head not wanting to let go.

"Then we'll go in the morning, I'll take you to the clinic V. Just let me be there with you. I don't… I don't want you to do this alone."

The thing he really wanted to say was that he didn't want her to do it at all., but, it was her decision to make not his. Over the past few years he'd come to see just how much she meant to him, how much he loved her to no end. Nate would do anything to make Vanessa happy, even if it meant letting go of one thing he suddenly wanted so bad.

"I love you V, I know you won't say it but I know you know I love you. I also know nothing's going to change your mind about the baby but please V, don't shut me out of your life. I need you. Please Vanessa I…"

He was both cut off and taken back when she kissed him. It was both hard and full of passion as he kissed her back, yet, something in his brain told him that this was it and that's why she was doing it. He wasn't about to stop her as they trailed it back to her bed room and felt into the orange comforter that had been visited so many times.

They call her name at 7:30
I pace around the parking lot
Then I walk down to buy her flowers
And sell some gifts that I got
Can't you see
It's not me you're dying for
Now she's feeling more alone
Than she ever has before

Kisses had never been so painful, filled with passion, love, hurt, anger and remorse the entire time. Like they were both trying to make it all go away, trying to reverse time so that they wouldn't have to fess up to the truth about anything, so that this wouldn't be the last time. It wasn't a reality either of them wanted to face, as they laid in one another's arms they both knew it was true. This was the most difficult thing they'd ever done.

She was lying under him as he leaned on his elbows above her, stroking her hair back away from her face and kissing her forehead. Nate knew he only had a little while left before she'd turn solid on her decision again and kick him out for good. He didn't want to have to say goodbye, he didn't want to lose her. Nate could tell how tense she was, how afraid of everything that was going on. It was evident through every bit of her.

"You know V, we could do this."

He said venturing forward on, she was to tired to even raise her hand to cover his mouth. To emotionally exhausted to fight or do anything other then listen to what she considered to be his empty promises. Nate could hear and feel his heart racing in her chest against his own. Everything was completely silent other then their hearts racing and nervous breaths that were being taken.

"I know Vanessa, I know the timing sucks. But none of that changes the fact that what happened happed and now there's a… we're going to have… "

Every word that came out of Nate's mouth was hesitant. He was finding it hard to talk knowing it would all just be gone soon, he was afraid to attach himself more then he already felt attached.

She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

"If you change your mind Vanessa we can still have it all. You can keep going to college, I'll take care of the baby. The baby doesn't mean everything has to be put on hold. I know how much coming here and making your movies someday is going to mean to you and I'll be the last one to ever hold you back from it. Just please V, please just give it a thought."

Vanessa was holding on by a string to every last bit of dignity she had. Most of her wanted nothing more but to crumble and cave to everything he was saying, to all of his promise. They'd been just fine since they were nineteen, their fights had become minimal, and he hardly ever forgot they had plans. There'd been so much change since the days with Catherine. There were parts of her that still held the grudge about it to him, part of her that was still built up not to let herself complately fall in love with him out of trying to protect her own heart.

"Nate, I can't have this baby with you. There are times when we still don't know what we're doing. There are points when being with you, I don't see that we even have a future together. We can't bring a kid into all that blur, we'll slid right back into the casual friends deal, with you forgetting about me and me being alone trying to raise our child. this, you and I… this whole thing needs to stop and the first move in making it all end is getting rid of this baby. We can't do this, we can't keep lying to ourselves. We're from different worlds Nate, two worlds that can't be put together."

Lies were showing in her eyes and he knew not a word she was saying was true. They'd talked a million times about how they'd broken the uptown downtown curse just as Dan and Serena had. He also knew just how much college meant to Vanessa, how she wanted to make it through unlike anyone in her family had. It was in that moment that he blamed himself for all of dreams. He knew for sure that he loved her, and he knew that he'd do anything just to be able to be with her. Even if it meant putting off their future, he'd wait a million years.

As weeks went by
It showed that she was not fine
They told me son, it's time to tell the truth
She broke down, and I broke down
Cause I was tired of lying

"Then in the morning we'll go have the abortion, I'll come with you so you're not alone. Just today, this Christmas can we pretend that everything's ok? We'll just be in the moment for one day. You, me, and our baby."

Slipping his hand onto her stomach under the blanket he felt her completely freeze up. He could see in her eyes how close to caving she was. Then when one of their cell phones started to go off it broke her from her five minuet trance as she grabbed her quilt tightly around her and got up from the bed never looking at him. As she walked to the bathroom she never looked back at him and his eyes followed her the entire way. It was right then that he knew that there was no way he could change her mind. He was going to lose the two best things that had ever happened to him, he was going to lose her. Dragging himself out of bed he slowly got dressed and did his best not to lose control. He was torn between wanting to cry or wanting to destroy something, all Nate wanted was for Vanessa to think about everything that was going on.

He was sitting on the bed fully dressed with his head in his hands when she came out of the bathroom. She had a tee shirt on and the pregnancy test in her hands when she came over and sat by him. She was still shaking but he didn't hesitate to put his arm around her and pull her to his chest.

"I think you should go to the city, spend some time with your mom and dad. Give me some time to think about everything. I'll call you tonight before I go to sleep and we can talk. But please? I need some time to… process I guess."

Muffled and partly broken she whispered against his chest as he nodded his head. Hearing her say she'd think about it was enough for him as he pulled away from her and stood up. Leaning back into her he gave her one final kiss and poured everything he had into it.

"I love you Vanessa"

He laced their hands as he held on and walked away till he couldn't any longer hold onto her.

"Merry Christmas Nate"

Driving back to her apartment
For a moment we're alone
Yeah she's alone
I'm alone
Now I know it
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

Dan was positive his mouth was hanging open in shock as Nate finished the end of his story. Dan could see exactly why Nate was so frail and broken now. It made him stop to think about his seventeen year old, ten year old, and three year old and the new baby Serena had just informed him they were expecting before he set out to track down their drunken friend. He knew how much his children meant to him, the day Serena had told him they were expecting Clover his whole life changed. He couldn't have imagined he and Serena fighting about not wanting a child. even clover who had been conceived when they were eighteen and born when they were nineteen never had a single doubt. It didn't matter what had to be sacrificed ever, a baby was an example of their love.

"She never called me that night. Instead she called me at nine thirty the next morning and told me her appointment had been at seven thirty. She told me it was over, she'd done it and there was no going back. By the time I'd gotten to her dorm room it was all packed up in boxes and she was gone."

With the end of Nate's sentence Dan urged the bartender over and gave the ok for a few more drinks. There were things about his best friend he didn't even know, she'd failed to mention them, then again, he hadn't talked to her in more then sixteen years. For someone he once knew everything about with no exceptions he felt suddenly like he didn't know her at all.

"I've done everything to get her out of my head and nothing works. Sixteen fucking years and I still have nothing. She left and she took everything I cared about Dan."

Dan just nodded his head as he reached for the beer that had been put in front of him. It defiantly wasn't the right time to tell Nate he and Serena's good news. Placing the glass back down on the top of the bar he rubbed his eyes for a second before turning his attention away from Nate who was nursing his drink. That's when he saw the dark curly hair heading for the door. As he did a double take and she was gone he figured that maybe his mind was just playing tricks on him.