Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Twilight characters.

Chapter 3: crappy motels and playing pranks

Over the next half hour, I learned that Edward had never eaten pussy (are you effing serious?!?), Carlisle had never been black-out drunk, and Jasper was a bad, bad boy.

Oh yeah, baby. Come to Mommy.

Just as I was starting to get good and hot (a side effect of sexy stories and vodka burn), Rosalie called to tell me they'd just checked into a motel called the Whistling Winds Inn. I shuddered. With a name like that the place had to be bad. It sounded like something out of a fucking horror movie.

Huh, I thought, a place like that doesn't sound like Rose... Then something clicked in my head and I momentarily seethed. Emmett. That fucker.

Rosalie voiced what I had already guessed aloud. "Emmett has some fucking sense of humor. We passed at least three decent places on the way to this shit hole. That fucker actually did research on bad motels, can you believe that... ?! I can't get him to crack a book when it comes to the SATs, but when it comes to ruining my vacation..."

I zoned out for a good twenty seconds while she ranted, holding the phone away from my ear.

It was Carlisle who snapped me out of it. "So, hey, where am I headed.. ?" he asked, gesturing out the window. I realized we were surrounded by the lights of a city. Finally. All that green nature crap was beginning to grate on my nerves.

I got the address from Rosalie and repeated it to Edward, who entered it into the Range Rover's GPS system. We got there easily enough, thanks to the conveniences of Carlisle's plush car. He must have money, I mused, but I didn't give it much thought. I might be a bitch, but I am not some gold-digging whore.

We pulled into the parking lot of the shitty motel, and of course it was worse than I could have even imagined.

Well, fuck-me-sideways. Emmett is going to die.

The pool was a disgusting shade of what I liked to refer to as "Forks Green," and I was pretty sure I heard rats squeaking around by the dumpster. Said dumpster just happened to be parked right out in front of our rooms, of course, despite the fact that there were only like four other people staying here, and thus plenty of other rooms to put us in. And said dumpster fucking reeked.

I wondered to myself if Emmett requested these particular suites just to torture us.. Nah, they probably just remind him of home, I thought. Smell like his mama's coochie.. I laughed at my own joke, then smacked Jasper on the ass. Hard.

"Carry my bag to my room," I pouted, pointing a manicured-finger at the backpack I'd left on the floor of the Rove. Jasper swooped down and picked it up without argument, which made me suspicious.

"Don't you mean our room," he corrected. Smirking.

Oh ok! Now I get why he didn't argue about carrying the bag. Apparently he thinks if he sets it down next to the bed he's sleeping in, I'll have no choice but to magically follow suit. Fucking dumbass.

"Absolutely not," I answered, and flounced off. I'd get my bag back from him later. Right now I was in the mood to converse with my girls.

***

Rosalie and Alice had already taken the liberty of labeling the two rooms: a napkin with the word chicks on it had been taped to the door on the left, and taped to the door on the right (the room slightly closer to the dumpster, ha, fuck you Emmett) was a napkin reading dicks.

I pounded on the door, then made a show of bending over to fix my laces. My shoes were tied perfectly, I just wanted an excuse to show the fellas my ass. I was rewarded with groans from behind. Mmmhmm. In the words of Winona, lick it up, baby. Lick it up.

Rosalie finally answered the door, a fluffy white towel wrapped snugly around her body. How fucking convenient, I thought, rolling my eyes. The fact that her hair wasn't wet and her make-up was still on clued me in to the fact that she'd probably stripped down when she heard us pull up, just to put on a mini-peep show for the guys' benefit. How tacky, how skanky..

How brilliant. That's why I love her.

"Hey guys," she cooed, "Sorry, I guess I should go get some clothes on.." Giggle. "Let me just finish washing up, and we'll be over. The door should be open," she gestured to the dicks room, "Emmett just went to make an alcohol run. So, I hope you're all down to party!" She batted her lashes, and wiggled a little in her towel, as if to mime dancing. I shook me head as I pushed past her. That girl is something else.

The inside of the room was, if possible, even worse than the outside. Two queen sized beds were pushed up against one wall, made up with- get this- mismatched comforters. One was an ugly shade of brown, the other an even uglier shade of orange. I didn't want to even think about what the comforters would look like under the glare of a blacklight. I imagine they'd be splotched in glowing blue-purple stains- the telltale color of bodily fluids. I shuddered involuntarily.

"I know, right?!" Alice looked up from her magazine and spoke to me as if she'd read my mind. From the look on my face it probably wasn't hard to tell what I was thinking. "It is so disgusting in here." She paused and then smiled brightly. "On the other hand, the room is huge!" Ok, so she was one of those glass-half-full types. "Plus, look at this." She popped up from her spot on the bed (I noticed she had laid her own blanket down on top of the orange comforter so as not to actually touch the bedspread) and bounded over to where I stood. She took my hand in hers, and put a finger to her lips, motioning for me to be quiet. Then she pulled me over to a door that I figured must lead to the boys' room next door.

I shrugged as if to say, So? Then I noticed what she was pointing to.

Oh, snap. There was a peephole in the door! I wondered briefly if it went both ways; but that didn't really matter. We could always cover it if we got wind that the boys had figured it out. There was no harm in just taking a little peek, right.. ?

***

I don't know what the fuck Alice and I expected to see. It's not as if guys do anything of any fucking interest. I stood on my tiptoes for two whole minutes waiting to see if one of them would take a shirt off, or talk about how hot I am, or fart, or something!

Nothing. They just fucking sat there in front of the tv. Wow.

I was going to get Alice back for this.

"Mmhmm," I moaned from deep within my throat, and pressed myself up against the door as if I was too weak in the knees to stand. "Wow, you guys have got to see this..." I was acting like I wanted to hump the door.

"What?" Alice squeeked, trying to push me out of the way, "What?? Let me see!"

"Well, actually Alice..." I trailed off, "I guess you've already seen it. Rose, come here, you gotta see this..."

Alice was still trying to jump up and push me out of the way at the same time. I snorted. I wasn't even sure she was tall enough to see out of the peep hole.

Rosalie didn't even hear me. She was in the bathroom, plucking her eyebrows or something, and I was still talking quietly so as not to alert the guys.

"God, Alice, Edward is fucking hung." I made sure to watch her expression as I said this.

I almost died. Her eyes bugged out, heer mouth fell open and she really started trying to wrestle me to get to that peep hole.

I couldn't keep a straight face any longer. I burst out laughing and Alice was finally able to shove me away from the door, stretch onto her tippy-toes, and look through the damned hole.

I landed on the ground with a thud. "Umph..." I groaned. As I fell, Alice made an angry little hissing noise. So, she finally realized I was messing with her...

She glared down at me. "Serves you right!" she huffed, and stormed back to her spot on the bed.

Shit, bitch, calm down, I thought, but I couldn't help but smile. Who knew that tiny little thing had so much fight in her? I guess when it came to Edward's cock...

Fuck, I might just have to get a look at it after all.