A/N: DoMe and Flan would like to make it clear that we are not normal. Please keep this in mind. No turkeys were harmed in the writing of this chapter.

Tacklesnugglehugs to Mac_214 and WriteonTime for betaing.

Chapter Three: Death and Taxidermy

"Well, what do you think?" I smiled, looking at Mother's reflection in the large hand mirror she held. Bella's artfully-applied foundation had easily shaved fifteen years off her face.

"It looks... what exactly did you do?" Mother asked, careful not to change her facial expression as if she was afraid the glossy veneer would crack.

"You can smile, you know. It won't kill you, I promise." Bella pursed her lips and chose a powder from Emmett's massive makeup case to finish off her work. Except Mother didn't smile. At least I was almost certain I hadn't seen it. I watched the corner of her mouth quiver tentatively before turning back down into the permanent scowl she wore.

Emmett emerged from the basement and nearly squealed when he saw Mother. "Holy Shania Twain, Bella. Just look at Mother!"

"I know, right? No mistaking her for a gargoyle anymore. How's Gran doing?"

"I chained her to the table and even duct-taped her mouth shut, just like you wanted," Emmett said proudly.

"Did she put up much of a struggle?"

"Nah, a dead, old woman is no match for me!" Emmett responded, undoing his cuffs and rolling up his sleeves.

"It looks... good," Mother said suddenly. "Really good. How did you manage to make my skin look so smooth?"

"I'm thinking collagen," Emmett surmised, scratching at the dense forest of hair on his forearm.

"Joint sealer," Bella explained.

"You mean, like, spackle?" I asked, confused.

"No, this is more like a below-grade concrete sealer. It's a waterproofing coating, too, so it should totally act as a moisture lock on her skin. I dunno - the more I thought about painting over a crack in a wall, the more it seemed like a logical material to put under the foundation."

"Um, is it safe for use on skin?" Mother wasn't listening to us. She was too busy admiring her new look from a variety of angles.

"Don't worry; I wore gloves when I was applying it," Bella whispered in my ear. She placed her hand on my back and walked her fingers down until they crept under my jacket.

"What color underwear are you wearing, Edward?" She hooked her fingers under the elastic of my waistband.

"Er, um, white," I said nervously.

"That's hot."

"Bella," I begged quietly, extricating her hand from my pants.

"Striped waistband? Or brand name written on it?" she asked breathlessly. I admired how her nostrils flared when she got excited.

"Um... Fruit of the Loom?" I answered simply.

She squeezed her eyes shut and quivered a little. "One of my favorites."

"Later," I promised, caressing the soft skin of her palm.

"Later?" She cocked her brow. "You mean for eff-word number three?"

I think I moaned a little, and dirty words started to bubble up in my throat. I was going to whisper sweet nothings in her ear, but Bella got distracted by something she saw on Emmett's sleeve.

She pushed me out of the way and grabbed my brother's arm, her brow furrowed in confusion. "What the fuck is wrong with your arms, monkey man? There's a goddamn chia pet sprouting out of your pores!"

Emmett was immediately defensive. "I am not an animal!"

"Awwww, shit. You're not only a 'furry', you're furry! Well, fuck me, Dr. Zaius, you damn dirty ape!"

Emmett's hand flew to his throat, but Bella smacked it away and plucked at the over-grown chest hair curling up over the open buttons of his collar.

"Ouch! Frick, Bella."

"You've got enough pelt for your own squirrel farm in there! What, are you storing up for another ice age?"

He petted the hair at his neck a little. "It's comforting. And some people find it sexy."

"Who? Other Sasquatches?"

"No. People who like furry things."

"Emmett, you haven't been attending those furry conferences have you? Like Confurence America?" I interjected. "I learned all about them on that 'CSI' episode."

"No. Don't be ridiculous. Maybe." Emmett glanced over at Mother, who was still enraptured with her face. "I did attend Fur Con 2010 when I was in Vegas earlier this year. I was a real hit."

"Well, at least he doesn't have to buy a fursuit. His is built-in," Bella commented, replacing the makeup in the neatly-arranged case.

"He was born that way," Mother piped up. "The doctors thought he was some kind of evolutionary throwback." She patted Emmett's cheek. "But I told them he was just my little Emmetty-bear."

Bella eyed Emmett's chest again where he was buttoning his shirt. "I'm not sure they make a wax strong enough for that, dude. I might have to get veterinary grade."

"NO! No wax." Emmett reacted like Bella had offered to remove his junk and walked off, taking deep breaths and muttering positive self-affirmations. "I am a rich treasure, ready to be found. All of me is beautiful and valuable. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws..."

"Thanks for taking me home. It's just been such a long morning." Bella yawned and stretched her arms adorably. "Make yourself comfortable, sex-toy."

Bella ushered me into her front entry after closing the door.

"Um, what did you call me?"

"Oh, right. Yeah, sorry. I probably should explain my condition to you... it's just that, well, you haven't run screaming from me yet, and I'm a little afraid." She lowered her head into her palms, scrubbing at her face and sighing. "I'm not normal," she explained.

Well, clearly... but I didn't want normal. "You've met my family, Bella. I'm not exactly normal, either. I hope you feel like you can share your mind with me."

She laughed bitterly. "Yeah, that's sort of the problem. I have to share my mind with you. In fact, my thoughts aren't safe from anyone."

"I don't understand," I admitted, following her into the small living room adjacent to the front entrance of her little house.

"I have this... thingy, like a mental aberration. I mean, not that I'm psycho or anything; I just have no social filter."

"Really?" I smiled in encouragement and squeezed her lovely hand.

"It's called Negative Impulsive Filter Oralization. NIMPFO, for short. It basically means I externalize all my impulsive thoughts. It's kind of like being drunk - you know, the way you say shit without any inhibitions when you're wrecked."

"NIMPFO! How wonderful!" I didn't mean to be so enthusiastic when she was obviously distressed by her condition. It's just that I was so tired of dealing with people who never said what they meant. Of course, most of them were dead.

"I'm glad you think so," she snapped, "because it sucks monkey balls. Big, fat, Emmett-level-hairy monkey balls!"

"I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to offend you. I was just saying to my brother the other day that I wish women would just say what they mean."

"Well, that's not a problem for me."

She guided me over to the worn couch, and as we sat down I was struck by her natural beauty all over again.

"You're sure Emmett didn't violate Rosie?" Bella pulled her little white dog-purse onto her lap.

"They only made it as far as the furplay. She was just interacting with his other stuffies."

Bella cuddled the furry purse in the crook of her elbow and stroked its head. "Don't you worry, Rosie. The bad man won't touch you again, or I'll fucking neuter him with my cuticle scissors. He's a lot less apt to diddle you without testicles."

"The thing about Emmett is... I don't know which way he swings, but he says he prefers male stuffies." I reached over to pet Rosie but held my hand tentatively over her head as though asking permission. "Does she bite?" I asked, not wanting to lose my own testicles. I planned to use them later.

"Don't be ridiculous. She's not alive." Bella held her up in her arms and rubbed Rosie's front paws together. "Are you my little Rosie Wosie?"

She gave her a kiss on her nose and then brought her back down to her lap. "Jeez, just because I have a cognitive speech disorder doesn't mean I'm a moron. Besides, she's had all her shots." Bella smiled widely, and I suddenly suspected she was pulling my leg a little bit.

"Oh, okay." I petted Rosie and then subtly moved my hand down to Bella's knee and gave it a squeeze. I wasn't well-versed in the art of seduction, but Bella made me want to read up on ways I could pleasure her with my thighs.

"Bella, how long have you had Rosie?" I wondered about Bella's draw to her little stuffed Maltese. If it had been a real dog, I might have understood it.

"She's seven. I'm not sure what that is in dog-purse years."

"She's very ... healthy for a dog-purse that age."

"I got her for my thirteenth birthday. The live version, anyway."

"There's a live Rosie?"

"There was. Until my grandma gave her away."

"Your grandmother gave your dog away?"

Bella nodded and her eyes started to water, so I took a cloth surgical mask I carried in case of emergencies out of my pocket and she wiped her eyes with it.

"The monster! When my dad died, I had to move in with my grandma, and she wouldn't allow animals. She gave Rosie away." Bella sniffed again and wiped her delicate nose on the fabric. "I used to carry her around in a little purse. Now she is my purse."

"Um... what?"

"When I was old enough, I tracked her down, but she was old. So when she died I had her stuffed and made into a purse."

I had no clue what to say to that, so I resorted to my old standby. "I'm sorry for your loss. That must have been a very difficult time for you."

"I don't seem to be able to keep anything permanent in my life... boyfriends, family members, even pets."

Her watery brown eyes met mine, emitting such raw need my heart broke for her, and I wanted to say the right thing - to let her know I wanted to take care of her. I wrapped both my arms around her and felt her wet cheek press down against the thin material of my dress-shirt.

"I'm permanent," I vowed, tucking a strand of loose hair behind her ear.

"Nothing's permanent, Edward. You of all people should know this." Nonetheless, she continued to cuddle into me, her breathing becoming a little deeper than it had been only moments ago.

"Well, I mean, I'm not immortal or anything, but I'll always be around... and even if I die, I give you permission to have me stuffed or turned into luggage, even though you'll be arrested for improper body disposal."

"Oh, Edward, you say the sweetest things," she said with a sigh, snuggling impossibly closer against me.

"Bella, I'm not sure if you noticed, but I also have a condition."

"Edward, you're perfect. Not like Emmett. You're only hairy in the right places. Unless..." She pulled up the cuff of my dress shirt.

"Emmett takes after my father in that regard. I'm not nearly as hairy. But, you may have noticed when I get... excited, I yell out inappropriate words. I have Stimulated Expletive Syndrome. SEXSY, for short."

I hung my head a little and waited for her to express her disapproval. Just because she swore like a sailor didn't mean she approved when I did it.

Bella shrugged. "You have SEXSY? But I like it when you talk dirty to me."

"It doesn't bother you? Some people get offended."

"Not me. So, will it just be your freakish, degenerate family at dinner tonight?"

"Well, Jasper's girlfriend, Alice, will probably also be there. Jasper and Alice are virtually inseparable."

"They get along that well?"

"Jasper can't be away from her for too long... the boobie thing I explained earlier. Mother was president of the La Leche League when Jasper was a kid, and she felt like she had to set an example."

"What about your father? He didn't object to Jasper horning in on his territory?"

"Uh... he's sort of the strong, silent type."

"So, what's Alice's deal?"

"What makes you think she has a deal?"

"Bitch, please. Her bf likes to suck strangers' funbags."

"Yeah, well..." I shrugged and looked around her tiny apartment, anxious to change the subject. "Do you live alone?"

"Uh huh. I used to have a roommate, but she got tired of me calling her a fat-ass."

"Oh, yes... well..."

"I know... but her ass was, like, really huge. Can I hump your leg?"

"Yes!" I said quickly, without thinking, and flexed my quad.

"Wow, I totally sound like a NIMPFO. I guess I just miss Rosie. She used to like to hump legs, too."

Bella was quiet for a few minutes then as she dropped her hand to my thigh, and I could barely hear her next words. "Your thighs are thick and strong like tree trunks. I really want to climb them."

And with that, she laid her head on my shoulder and fell asleep.

I watched her eyelids twitch erotically for a while before I gently shifted us both until we were lying together, her body tight against me. She mumbled against my chest and captured my thigh between her legs as if for comfort. To have her close enough to drool on my dress shirt was nothing less than a dream come true, and I soon joined her in sleep.

"Bella, did you remember the, uh, breast pads we spoke about earlier?"

"I don't have breast pads, Edward. I had to use maxi pads."

So help me, that turned me on. Maybe I was getting to be as bad as my brothers.

"Ready?" I asked, motioning toward the door, steeling myself for the freak show waiting for us on the other side.

"Let's do this," Bella replied bravely.

I took a deep breath and opened the front door, ushering Bella into the foyer of our house.

"Edward, would you do the honors of cooking the turkey?" Mother came out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a towel. "Hello, Bella. Glad you could join us. We'll be eating in a few minutes."

Mother looked radiant in her new makeup, and the change in her face seemed to have made a drastic transformation to her personality. She was actually smiling and pleasant. Even her hair looked softer. I hadn't seen her like this since she and my dad had taken a holiday together.

"Yes, Mother," I agreed, guiding Bella into the kitchen with my hand at her back. It thrilled me to touch her in any way, and I was going to use any excuse to do so.

The turkey rested in a large, metal pan, which I picked up by the handles on either side.

"Edward," Bella urged in a surprised whisper, "this turkey is still frozen. It will take hours to cook."

I smiled. "We have a secret weapon."

"Neat - is it a death ray? Will it burn the turkey where it sits?"

"Come with me."

Bella followed me down the stairs into the crematorium. I opened the doors to one of the chambers and slid the turkey into the pre-heated interior. I tested the door to made sure it was locked, set the timer, and checked off the minutes on my watch.

"I gotta tell you, I'm a little worried about the turkey," Bella said.

"Don't worry," I assured her. "It's gone to a better place."

"Seriously, though. Why?"

"Why cremate? It's efficient, and you've never tasted anything as succulent as a bird prepared at 1,300 degrees for four minutes. Should be ready in 3... 2... 1..." The timer dinged, and I took a quick peek through the oven window. "We just need to let it cool for a few minutes."

"So... do you always cook turkeys in the crematorium?"

"No. Sometimes we cook roasts."

Jasper and Alice were setting the table when we entered the dining room. Jasper was dressed in his usual military garb. Epaulettes widened his already broad shoulders, and a set of bright, brass buttons fastened in front.

Alice was dressed, as usual, all in black.

"Well, howdy, ma'am," Jasper drawled, glancing down at Bella's luscious boobies.

Bella seemed to be momentarily taken aback by Jasper's inexplicable Southern accent.

"Oh, no you don't," she replied, covering her breasts. "These babies are not for public consumption."

"Isaaaaabeeeellaaaaa Swaaaaan," Alice said suddenly, in the drawn-out creepy voice she always employed when channelling spirits. She raised her hands to her temples, her eyes becoming distant and glassy as spoke. "Your father has passed on to the great beyond."

"What?"

Alice's eyes focused on Bella's face. "What?"

"You said something about my father," Bella persisted.

"Nope. No, I didn't." She turned to Jasper and asked, "Why is she saying that?"

"You did!" Bella turned to me in confusion. "Why is she talking about my dead father?"

"She sees the past," I explained, sighing heavily. "But she doesn't remember it after."

"No, I don't," Alice said.

"Yes, darl', you do." Jasper rubbed her boob affectionately and licked his lips a little.

"Let me look into the past," Alice mumbled, touching her temples again. "Oh, wait... maybe I do."

"The past? What the fuck good is that? We already know what happened in the past," Bella said, exasperated.

"I know. It's completely useless and annoying. Just humor her," I said comfortingly.

Alice's eyes glazed over again as she looked at me. "Edward, you got your hair trimmed last week."

I just rolled my eyes and put my arm around Bella, leading her to the table.

"What's with Jasper's hair? It looks like somebody glued a blond caragana bush on his head."

I could only sigh. "He has a thing about big hair. A consequence of being born in the eighties, I think."

"Don't say anything about his heinously large shoulder pads either. He has them specially made." Emmett whispered, helping Mother carry scalloped potatoes and peas into the dining room.

I held Bella's chair out for her, and she looked at me like I was putrefacting.

"I'm not falling for that old trick, Edward."

"I'm just trying to be a gentleman," I explained.

"Oh, I thought you were going to pull it out from under me."

Emmett brought more dishes out from the kitchen, and after everyone was seated, Esme placed a large jar on the table in front of the empty chair.

"Gravy?" Bella gestured toward the jar.

"No. My father."

"Your father is a gravy boat?"

"Not exactly." Crap. I knew I forgot to mention something important. "He's an urn. I mean, he's in the urn."

A/N: A ride in a speeding hearse for those who review. Come on, you know you want to!