Final Fantasy 7 - Stupidity Remix
Chapter 3 – Blessings
Wake up…
Realize your power…
Unleash it on the world around you…
And awaken from your slumber…
Cloud: Screw this, I'm going back to sleep.
(slap) WAKE UP!
Cloud wakes from his sleep to find himself in a church. The church itself seemed to be in ruins, and there is a giant hole in the ceiling. There is a girl who is standing by him.
Cloud: Ow, my face.
Flower Girl: Oh good, you're still alive.
Cloud: Where am I?
Flower Girl: You're in Sector 5 slums.
Cloud: Ugh. (tries stands up but falls back down) Ow, my body hurts so much. (…) I landed on the floor. Would have been better if I landed in that pile of flowers.
Flower Girl: Yes. It would have. But you didn't. (runs off)
Cloud: (uses several potions) What's your name? (stands up)
Flower Girl: Aeris. What about you?
Cloud: My name…is…
Aeris: Yes?
Cloud: I forgot.
Aeris: What! Hmm, case of amnesia. Sure looks cute. Will you be my boyfr…I mean bodyguard?
Cloud: Whatever.
Aeris: Great! Now let's go to my house and…uh…
Cloud: (?)
Tuxedo Man: Hey. You.
Cloud: Who's that?
Aeris: A stalker.
Cloud: Oh. Wait…Reno…
Reno: Seems like you know me, but I don't think I know you. Let's get acquainted. (snap fingers)
Three guards step behind the Tuxedo Man.
Aeris: Quick, this way.
Cloud: Fine. (both run off)
Reno: Hmm, follow them.
The group runs off into the back of the church. Reno, however, comes back and starts stomping on the flowers.
Reno: Take this, and this, and some of this, and these. (stops) Man that feels good. (runs back)
The back of the church was so bright, light beaming through the holes in the ceiling.
Aeris: Keep moving, we don't want them to catch up.
Reno: There they are! Fire!
Cloud: Aeris, shield me! (shoves Aeris in front of him)
Aeris: Ah! I've been hit. (falls down steps)
Cloud: Aeris! Come back! You can't leave me like this! I'm wide open now!
Reno: Good job boys. Now go capture her and put her into the cage.
Cloud: Aeris! Hold on! I'll go get the police. Just stay there and wait for me.
Aeris: Do something!
Cloud: Ugh, fine. (looks up) Hold on, I have to get to the barrels.
Donkey Kong: Ugh. Ugh.
Cloud: Out of my way you ape. Ok, I'll shove this barrel over…
Cloud shoved the barrel over, and it knocked all the guards over.
Aeris: Thanks bodyguard. Let's hurry and get out of here. (both leave)
Reno: Oh great. What am I suppose to do now? I guess I'll go walk home now. Again.
The twosome got down from the church and took a break to rest.
Cloud: So, who was that?
Aeris: Stalker. He's been following me for a while. Captured and released me several times.
Cloud: Well, let's get going.
Aeris: Follow me.
They went through the destroyed structures of the city. Finally, they came into view of a two story house.
Cloud: Whoa.
Aeris: Yeah. (opens the door) Mom, I'm home!
Lady: Get a job!
Aeris: Well…we have free time on our hands. Hey, how about tomorrow we head to Wall Market?
Cloud: Works for me.
Aeris: I'll go ready the beds. (goes upstairs)
Lady: Hey, can you do me a favor?
Cloud: Sure.
Lady: Aeris is a spoiled girl who needs to get a job. Go on without her, and let me handle it.
Aeris: Bodyguard, come get some sleep!
Lady: Go have some rest first.
Cloud: Will do.
That night…
Cloud: I should leave.
Cloud left the house and continued to the path to Wall Market. However…
Cloud: Uh-oh…
Aeris: Caught you!
Cloud: How you get here without passing me?
Aeris: I took the shortcut over there.
Cloud: Man. This wasn't realized in the game! I had to fight all those monsters!
Aeris took a DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BREEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAATHHHHHHHHHH!
Aeris: (quickly) Well, that's because the people of SquareEnix declared that people are too low level when they reach the bosses, so they added that in, forcing you to fight about 10 enemies before you are able to proceed along the game, which decreases the matter of difficulty of the next bosses which has powerful spells, attacks, summons, and defense, but at this point of the game, the team is pretty much confined to level in an area which thieves rob you of all your items, decreasing the amount of fun involved with this game, decreasing the production value and thus decreasing how much budget they have. (regularly) Let's keep on going.
Finally, they have arrived at a playground.
Aeris: Let's play on the swings.
Cloud: Yea, let's go.
Aeris: (…) You know, I had a boyfriend before you.
Cloud gets up and walks.
Aeris: He was very sweet, much kind, and pretty cute. He had the strength of 10 men, and could protect me forever. Sigh, man, I miss him.
Cloud: (crowded up at the corner of playground) You sure do…
Aeris: I really do feel bad for him, he died in war.
Cloud: (runs toward Aeris and sits down next to her) Works for me. (…) UGH!
Remember…who you are…do not forget…your purpose…
Cloud: Must…kill…everyone…
However, up ahead, a giant wall opened up. A chocobo carriage came out, and Tifa was riding in the back of it.
Tifa: Cloud!
Cloud: (…) Tifa!
Aeris: Cloud? That name sucks!
Cloud: No time. Aeris, we have to go to Wall Market and go find out what Tifa's doing.
Aeris: Oh, ok.
They ran into a city, fancier than your town, but less fancy than Las Vegas.
Cloud: We should get information about where she is.
They walked through the town. The places include a dress shop, a bar, a gun shop, a materia shop, a gym, a mansion, a motel, several other areas, and some place called the Honey Bee Inn. Cloud went there sometime early in life.
Speaking of which, at the Honey Bee Inn…
Cloud: Hey, have you heard a girl named Tifa?
Red Spiky Hair Guy: (sobs)
Man: Yes, I believe she's one of the girls being picked at Don's mansion.
Cloud: Really? Wait, what you mean picked?
Man: Well, every once in a while, Don, the landlord, will call in three girls. And one of the girls will spend the night at his mansion.
Aeris: Thanks.
Cloud: Off to the mansion.
To the mansion!
Guard: No can do, can only let girls in. Hey, you're a cute one. I suppose you can enter.
Aeris: Thank you, but no.
Cloud: Well there has to be someone we can do!
Aeris walks away and begins chuckling.
Guard: Sorry, unless you were to assault the mansion, I'm afraid there's nothing you can do.
Cloud: (pulls out sword) Assault it is!
Aeris: Wait. Listen, I'm going to bring a friend along ok?
Cloud puts his sword away, but keeps his hand on it.
Guard: Sounds good. Go get her.
Cloud and Aeris leaves.
Aeris: Listen, the plan is…dress you up…as a girl.
To be continued…
Cloud: That's easy, I'm a cross dresser!
Aeris: Say what?
Cloud: Uh, nothing.
Tuxedo Man sounds funny. Oh, and review. It's easier to spend 1 minute of your life giving me a review to give me motivation than for you to wait weeks for me to update.