a/n: Here it is, season three! Last one until the end next year. This will be a once a season event now. As usual, most thanks to my lovely co-writer JennifferButterfly.

Sorry that it took so long, but after watching the finale we scrapped the original plan and went for something different. I think you will like the result. We pulled back on the harshness, and yes Cameron fans, we went easy on her. For Foreman fans, prepare to be disappointed. This is a little longer than the other two, but we went for more details given that season three left us with so much.

Terms used quite a bit that you might want to know: BOUO – the ball of unknown origin that House is always tossing around in his office. The fourth wall – the viewing audience at large, including all the Internet fandoms (we poke fun at all the fandoms BTW, not just one in particular).

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Enter House and Wilson

Wilson shakes his head, trying to figure out how they plan to tackle this all over the map season. "Where in the world do we start?"

"This season is all about change. So in the spirit of change, instead of being pissed off about this season, we're going to do it with a smile."

"A smile? Us?"

"Change is good. I'm calling this the 'Season of Love and Happiness'."

"Love and Happiness? You were miserable for most of it. Actually, all of it."

"It's not about me. This season was all about the ships and romantic entanglements. We need to show the luuuuuurrrrrve." House gives a subtle sign of affection to Wilson. House/Wilson shippers are heard squeeing.

Wilson grabs his head. "Okay, this should be interesting."

"Not really, but we need to do something different otherwise our heads might explode while we relive this mess. We are also going to break 'the fourth wall'."

"You're allowing the viewers in this too? That includes all the shippers. They're insane!"

House throws the BOUO at Wilson. "Be nice. Onto season three!"

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House and Wilson join the rest of the cast, who know they are in for something wild.

"Rules for this season. No matter how contrived the plot or how ridiculous the situation gets, you say something nice or nothing at all. Also, since the medicine took a back seat to all the sexual tension and character drama, we're throwing the medical details out."

Chase shakes his head in disbelief. "Happy? No medicine? We're talking about the show House, right? Not some cheesy Hallmark special?"

House throws BOUO at Chase's head. "Glad to see you're all on board. Okay, so I come back with a smile and a working leg."

"Uh, yeah, it was a medical miracle for at least one episode." Cameron recounts the events with gritted teeth and a huge amount of skepticism.

Foreman speaks unenthusiastically"Yes, I believed every minute of what was happening."

Foreman gets pelted with the BOUO next. "Actually, you're an ass this entire season, so off to the corner you party pooper."

Exit Foreman, actually happy that he doesn't need to be involved with this crap.

"Next we have a heart warming story involving a boy's delusions with aliens and Chase telling us that the truth is out there."

Chase blankly talks, knowing he better say something since this was one of his two cases for the season. "Yes, wasn't Clancy cute. I'm so damn great with kids."

House goes for the witty retort, only to bite his tongue because he doesn't want to break his own rules. "Oh what the hell, probably because you're seven yourself, Doogie. Now we get to kill Ezra. Damn, how am I supposed to make that positive?"

"It's positive because the baby experimenting bastard deserved to die!" Cameron speaks with a big smile so that she can keep to the rules and while getting House's approval.

"Ah there we go. Glad you can spin it that way. I've got a seventeen year old stalker with a red thong. Good times."

Cuddy speaks, her first of many shippy moments with House. "We get to fight over blood stained carpet. Talk about setting the right mood for deep sexual tension."

"I heard that sarcasm!" House says pointing an accusing finger. "No House call for you! Anyway, the seventeen year old really had a disease but it was fun while it lasted. Cameron gets to obsess over the carpet too, which creates a nice delusion for all the Hamerons."

Hamerons around the world are heard happy-sighing.

"Do I get to have sex yet?" Cameron is tired of the same rehashed stuff with House that goes nowhere.

"With another human being? No. I do get a cool PSP though. There's nothing bad at all about taking it from an autistic boy. What happy stuff happens next?"

Wilson tries to play along. "You piss off Tritter, which makes you happy."

Everyone groans and hangs their heads low.

"Let's just try to gloss over all that ugliness. Happiness, remember? Everyone step forward and in a few words tell us what good you've learned from that impossibly long and painful situation. Try to throw in as many puppies and rainbows as possible."

Forward Cameron. "Uh, it taught you to be a better friend to Wilson…no…It taught you the value of your staff…no…it taught us to be…no, oh hell, I looked pretty throughout all of it. I did get all the Hamerons in a tizzy by fixing your arm from those cuts. That was fun."

Hamerons collectively sigh.

Forward Chase. "As a doctor, I rock and proved your sorry ass wrong, which certainly makes me happy! I also looked pretty through all of it, even with a huge bruise on my face. Mega sympathy there."

The Chasers all jump on the boards to gush over how adorable he is.

Forward Foreman "I've got nothing."

Foreman returns to the corner because he's a crabby pants and there isn't any use for him when love and happiness is involved, or for anything else in the series

Forward Cuddy. "I taught House a lesson in pill management, which ended up being pointless. We got to look really hot together while fighting over what an evil bastard Tritter was. House insulted me in a shower while holding a sick kid and made me cry, apparently strengthening our love because we seep with chemistry. I love House so much I perjured myself on the stand and then announced it to a jailhouse. Overall, I learned I'm weak, but oh so hot."

Huddy fans sigh and rush out to begin writing their fics.

Forward Wilson. "I went through freaking hell!!! Did anyone care what I went through??? I had to shut down my practice, my assets were frozen, my best friend left me out in the rain to suffer, and an over-zealous cop viciously harassed me because House wouldn't apologize. I got crapped on!!! I even had to betray the bastard because he punched an employee for preventing a little girl from being sawed in half! Did anyone out there say, 'Aw poor Wilson, we support you?' No, I got the evil eye for being a freaking Judas. Then, after all that, no one understood why I left the bastard to choke on his own vomit on his apartment floor??? Seriously you guys, WTF?!?!"

House/Wilson shippers sigh and rush out to begin their stories about poor, misunderstood Wilson.

House glares at Wilson like he lost his mind, then shakes it off. "I apologized, and it all went back to normal. That was worth all that wasn't it? Anyway, I learned nothing while making everybody else's lives hell. Hmm, maybe that arc wasn't so bad."

A collective 'yes it was' comes from the fourth wall.

"What do you morons know? Now its time for the very special moment with a rape victim who's so traumatized that she spends the entire episode not making a damn bit of sense and not generating any sympathy from anyone."

The fourth wall whimpers, House glares at it and it promptly stops.

Wilson speaks, still a bit frustrated. "Maybe that's because that was a horribly written episode? How bad can the first half of a season be? Does it get any better?"

House looks at Wilson with disgust and points toward to a sour faced Foreman. "Enough! You get to join Mr. Happy over there in the corner." Wilson joins Foreman and, because they're both incredibly bored with this dull and dreary season, the neurologist reads Wilson's future with a cootie catcher he made. Apparently Wilson will die alone.

"Now Cuddy and I get to ooze our lust for each other over a stupid parking space."

Chase speaks, knowing his awesome and well overdue character development starts soon. "Yeah that was…er…so much fun to watch? After all, Cuddy caving in and forcing a poor woman to move her wheelchair through the snow to make you happy is so uplifting."

Cameron moves over to Chase seductively, ready to setup their big ship. "Let's go walk in on that couple having sex so you can insult them all while throwing some ideas into my head."

Chase shrugs. Exit Chase and Cameron.

"Time for one of the happiest episodes ever, The Valentines Day episode. Foreman, you're actually needed here."

Foreman paints on a fake smile. "Yes, this is a great time for me. I coldly dump my pediatric nurse girlfriend that you never liked."

"Whoa, put that smile away brother. Your teeth are blinding me. Even though we are ignoring the medicine, you have to admit it's pretty cool to pull out a 25 ft long tapeworm out of a girl's stomach. It makes all the lovers swoon. Anyway, I need to do this." House pelts Foreman again with the BOUO.

Foreman protests over the pain. "What's that for?"

"That's for putting the stupid idea in Cameron's head to start having sex with Chase again. What hell were you thinking? Now you've opened up a whole can of worms. Back to the corner with Wilson!"

Cuddy puts a genuine smile on her face. "We also find out what my specialty is finally!"

"What, it's not being a seductive yet annoyingly bossy little ray of sunshine?"

"Nope…it's-"

"I've got no time for this." Protests erupt from the fourth wall. "Shut up!"

Enter Cameron and Chase. "Microwave Pizza?" Cameron asks with a sexy smile. Chase nods. Exit Cameron and Chase.

Cameron/Chase shippers around the world cry with happiness over something that should've happened in season one.

"Now it's time for the deeply emotional episode over my fake brain cancer. Time for the Kleenexes! Cameron, I'm puckering up my lips so we can drive the Hamerons bat shit crazy."

Cameron and Chase reenter and her confused look says it all. "But I'm doing Chase! We even showered together before coming in."

House laughs. "You think that matters? Not to David Shore it sure as hell doesn't. Chase, you need to hug me and cry so a whole new set of slash can be written."

The fourth wall chokes back tears while House/Chase slashers drool. Their tiny minds think of all the ways they can take what happened and turn it into something smutty.

Chase's face frowns in repulsion. "Cameron smells better. Plus, you weren't really dying."

"Yes, but everyone cared. Face it, you all love me. This episode satisfies just about every ship on the boards."

Everyone, especially all shippers, nod, hardly unable to argue that point.

"The love really begins now. Cuddy tells me to get over her while cleverly revealing something we've all guessed for sometime, we did it. She then gets all weepy over the pregnant photographer, which is supposed to show everyone her struggle with wanting to be a mom. That starts the whole 'House gets Cuddy pregnant' speculation again."

Enter Cuddy, seductively gazing into House's eyes. "With Cameron occupied, I have you all to myself."

House turns to Chase and Cameron. "I know it's not a relationship, but please, three times in one day? All over the hospital? Is the sex really that good or are you both large horny mutants? Sorry, must think positive. I had a great laugh over catching you two in the closet. Which is much better than the icked out everyone else got."

Cameron smiles at Chase. "Look at him. He's hot, and he's glowing."

"You're only doing it to make House jealous." Chase says unconvincingly.

Cameron throws her arms up in frustration and turns to the fourth wall. "Why do you people still cling to that hope? What do I have to do, draw a map? I'm having hot sex with Chase, I constantly tell everyone I'm not in love with House yet no one believes me. You people are just freaking deranged!!" Cameron calms down after absorbing strange looks from the others. "Uh, Chase, let's just do it on the old lady's bed now. It will be great, the pussy will watch."

Chase raises a brow, "Yes, and the cat on the dresser will sneak a peak too."

Exit Chase and Cameron, off to do it in yet another weird setting, but not before Chase gets pelted with the BOUO for the bad joke.

Everyone else resists the urge to vomit. Foreman shivers in disgust. "I'm going to be sick."

"You, back to the corner. Wilson, time for you to be relevant again. You need to hold down the fort while Cuddy and I are in Singapore."

Wilson sighs. "Why? Chase figures it out anyway. All that happened was that I got a date with a call girl. Okay, that's not so bad."

"Isn't itodd that, after two seasons of being stupid, all of a sudden Chase is a brilliant doctor kicking everyone else's ass in the diagnosis total? They even track that on the boards like it means something. Anyway, we're doing this cool stuff on the airplane. Cuddy, care to join the mile high club?"

Cuddy gives House the standard snarl. "I'm sick remember."

"It's your own stupid fault for freaking out over nothing. Hmm, I do get to play doctor, don't I? How about that fake staff I recruit? Could that woman have been any bitchier, that man been any more oblivious to what I'm saying, or that kid be any cuter? What a great metaphor!" The fourth wall plugs it's ears and hums.

Enter Chase and Cameron. House grabs the BOUO and pelts Cameron with it.

Cameron grabs her head. "Ow, what was that for?"

"For breaking Dr. Formerly Stupid's heart. Even I'm not that cruel. Oh wait, I am."

Chase steps in to defend Cameron, even though she really doesn't deserve it. "Our breakup leads to some great bickering that will have everyone talk about how cute we are together. Plus it leads to the whole Tuesday thing. Face it, my puppy dog reactions to her cold heart win everyone over and I become a real character with more than two dimensions. It's all good."

"For you maybe. The rest of us will cringe." Everybody looks at House, wondering if he just broke his own rule. House quickly recovers. "Cringe with joy, that is. Cuddy and my hot love now have to take a backseat to the heart wrenching Foreman turmoil. Foreman, you can come back. Remember, positive or we forget about you entirely. Maybe we should do that anyway."

Foreman plasters on another fake smile. "Okay, I kill a woman due to my stupidity and arrogance, torture a poor young kid by cruelly doing a bone marrow biopsy without anesthesia, avoid my mother who doesn't remember me anyway, and quit because I don't want to be a sociopath like you even though I am. Oh yeah, I'm feeling the love here."

"That's the spirit. You forgot that you were an ass to Chase even though he tried to help you and be a friend. That was yet another ship we got to pacify. A truly deranged one, but we like making people happy."

Foreman/Chase shippers around the world cry over this new revelation that the two are indeed NOT a couple.

"You're going to quit, but this time, instead of dragging it out forever because you now crave attention more than Cameron does, you go back to the corner and aren't heard from again. That's the way the whole thing should have been written to begin with. I do love righting a wrong."

Exit Foreman, hopefully for the last time.

"This has gone on long enough, time to wrap up the season. But first, some loose ends. We all feel joy in meeting Wilson's ditzy ex-wife, and the dog was too cute."

Wilson thinks fondly of his old pet. "How did we get seven Tritter episodes and only one with Hector? He needs his own series."

"Yes, which is why it's so touching when I try to kill him." House is distracted by the confusion of the fourth wall reading on a certain TV site recap that Hector was eating a microscope and not a stethoscope. House sighs, wondering how any confusion between the two could exist, then shakes it off. "Wilson, let's spike each other's coffee now for tons of comical laughs."

Wilson gets all bent out of shape. "You tried to kill me too!"

"What are friends for? Next I get to match wits with a chess playing genius."

Chase laughs. "You mean the ass who wasa bigger jerk than you." House warms up the BOUO. "I mean, the kid with issues and a lousy parent? How do I always end up with those types of cases?"

"That's better. Onto the finale. What the hell was I thinking? Oh yeah, it was Wilson's fault. At least Foreman finally leaves."

Chase scowls. "You fired me!"

"It was the best thing to ever happen to you."

Chase smiles. "No, that would be Cameron. That kiss on my stoop was pretty hot. But hey, you cruelly kicking my ass out the door is as close to a 'good job' as I'll ever get, so I'm willing to take that."

Cameron chooses to set the record straight once and for all. "And when I resigned I was saying goodbye to House, not flirting with him. I was finally letting go so that I could grow up and move on to better things. For the last time Hamerons, I want to be with Chase!"

House drops his head. "I think I'm going to be sick. I mean, how sweet. So, everyone leaves, making for a nice happy ending. Care to guess who's going to be back for next season besides me?"

Everyone grabs their heads, not ready to face such a prospect yet. This season was too exhausting.

Chase offers his arm to Cameron. "Let's go enjoy our unemployment together with tons more torrid sex." Exit Chase and Cameron, all smiles.

"I'm outta here." Exit Foreman, who smiles knowing that despite his full jerkiness he'll be back for another season.

Even though the outcome resulted in huge character defining and satisfying moments for all the ducklings, the unhappy fourth wall cries since most of their ships didn't happen. House kicks it for not being happy and it scampers away.

Cuddy, Wilson and House watch the junior staff leave. "The ducklings have left the nest. Now what?"

Cuddy shakes her head. "No idea, but expect lots more House/Cuddy, House/Wilson smut on the Internet."

Wilson nods. "At least I'm getting some somewhere."

House smiles wickedly. "I get to screw everybody. Sounds like fun. Now let's see what Season Four has in store for us!"

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a/n: Thanks everybody for follow us through this really strange experiment! Jenniffer and I had fun and hope everyone who read this did too.