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Put me back together when I'm broken, feeling strange
'cause if you put me back together
I will fall apart again
It was a long two months without Castiel. Dean knew it would be only a few minutes after he vanished, leaving him behind in the sand. A kiss, the flutter of his wings, and then there was no more angel with him.
He prayed every day, almost always the same thing.
Hope you're okay, Cas. Hope you're hiding. We're all well here. Can't wait to see you again. I love you.
The last sentence was an odd thing to think, especially directly to someone, but he always thought it anyway, not wanting one of them to forget, to rescind their feelings. Occasionally, when it was late at night and he'd lay in the sand, staring up at the stars, listening to Benny snore in the sleeping bag next to his, he'd add one more sentence.
Please come back to me.
The cover-up went off without a hitch, unusually good luck for them. They weren't blamed for the deaths, and the government didn't have to hear anything about demons. The troop kept moving across the sand, patrolling towns, protecting civilians. They got intel about a bomb maker hiding in a small village, and went in with held breath, clutching their guns and standing close to one another. They discovered the rumors to be false, and left breathing easier, but Dean felt uncomfortable in his skin that night, knowing he'd felt a surge of loneliness in there.
He and Sam took out a Djinn on the border, and Benny helped them infiltrate a vampire horde farther up north. Gwen even helped them hunt a werewolf that killed a few soldiers at base. Everything looked normal, seemed normal to most of them, but it wasn't right, living without him.
One night, a colder one than usual, Dean and Sam were sitting in front of a small fire, separated from the group. Sam knew something was off, and stayed with Dean, a one-man vigil for his big brother as the others sat around their own roaring fire, laughing and telling stories amongst themselves.
"Dean?" Sam asked him, gathering the nerve.
"Yeah Sammy?" Dean replied after a moment of silence.
"I saw you kiss him." He said quietly, and Dean bent his head. "You love him."
Dean nodded slowly, unable to detect the emotion in Sam's voice.
"This is bad, Dean." Sam took a sip of his thermos, and Dean sucked in, blinking rapidly when he felt himself tearing up unexpectedly.
"So what, I'm not your big brother anymore because I love a dude?" Dean asked, and Sam almost choked on his water.
"What? No, we all saw this coming, Dean." When Dean looked to him in surprise, he nodded. "Seriously, Benny was trying to push you two together, the platoon was placing bets on when it would happen. I'm glad it's him, Dean, I love that you love him. I meant that this separate to protect thing is a bad idea. Clearly what Cas said to Amon worked, because we haven't seen one demon. Maybe we scared Crowley off, maybe Cas can come back to us."
"Yeah, I think that every day, Sam. Every damn day. But that's the stupid romantic in me, the part that wants to take a walk in the sunset, all that cheesy crap. But Cas is right; we can't put you all in danger because of our emotions. I can't risk hurting you and Benny just for a make out session."
Sam let out a huff of annoyance, tired of Dean's tough guy exterior.
"It's more than that, Dean, we all know it. We can handle ourselves, seriously, we've been fighting demons for years, I personally fought off the Devil himself! What's the worst the king of Hell can do, huh?" He asked incredulously, and Dean chuckled.
"I don't know, kill us? Torture us for an eternity? We've both been to Hell, do you really want to go back right now?"
"Please just consider it. I pray to him once in a while, Dean, and I always invite him back, but if you just asked him, just explained the situation, I'm sure he'd come be with us. Just think about it." Sam said, a warmth in his voice.
"I'll think about it." Dean said, poking at the fire with a stick. "But all that stuff about sunsets stays to yourself, bitch."
"Okay, jerk." Sam said, then laughed loudly. They fell into comfortable silence, and Dean considered what Sam had said. Maybe he would pray for Cas to come home.
It had been four days since Dean and Sam sat by the fire together, four days of thought, yet still Dean hadn't made a decision. And now they were interrupted by the first heavy storm they'd had in awhile, one they weren't looking forward to. They'd been caught in a patrol in the middle of nowhere when they heard a storm was coming, and they moved at break-neck speeds to reach the base, but that afternoon they had to stop and realize they wouldn't make it back to proper shelter in time. Setting up a few tents as securely as they could, the troops buzzed with fear and anticipation.
"So how worried should we be, book keeper?" Benny questioned Sam. They were in a small tent with Gwen and Dean, checking provisions.
"All desert climate is a little bit different." He started, wiping sweat off his brow. "But I checked one of our guide books this morning, and the Thal Desert gets sporadic annual rainfall of around 25 centimeters, so let's brace ourselves."
"How much is that in American?" Dean asked, and Sam rolled his eyes.
"About ten inches." Gwen answered for him, and Dean groaned.
"And this is all happening during the next three days or so? Wow, fun." Dean sat on a wooden box as thunder rumbled in the distance. The sky was already a deep purple.
"Figure it'll start any second." Benny pointed out. "Gwen, you should head to the Humvee."
"On my way. I'll try getting back here if there's a lull in the storm. Remember guys, don't go outside unless you really need to." Gwen nodded to them all and exited, walking briskly back to the Humvee where some of the troops (those who had drawn the right straws) were staying.
"Well, I guess we can all share some tall tales, charades, strip poker." Dean shrugged, sitting down.
A loud clap of thunder and a flash of lightening stopped Sam from giving him a sarcastic reply, and the downpour suddenly began, heavy raindrops ricocheting off the tent like bullets on metal, sounding just as loud.
"What a family vacation, huh?" Benny said with a raised voice and a smirk, and Sam sighed.
Eventually Sam and Benny were playing cards rather competitively, and Dean was sat in the corner, deep in thought. No matter what he thought of Sam's argument earlier, he knew there was no way demons were getting through this storm; it would be safe for Cas to come.
Castiel, Angel of the Lord, it's me, Dean. We're in the Thal desert in a little white tent, and there's a huge storm outside. I doubt any black eyed bastards are fighting their way through this to come kill us, I'm thinking it's safe for you to come for a visit. Please, Cas, just a short visit. It wouldn't hurt anyone. Amen.
Dean looked around the small tent, expecting an angel in a trench coat, but only saw Sam groaning and throwing down his cards as Benny let out a victorious laugh. Benny turned to him to show off, and Dean hid his disappointment, jeering at his little brother.
They waited out the storm the rest of the night, thinking it would be weaker in the morning, but when their watches said the sun should be rising, it was still dark, and the thunder was louder and the wind stronger. They ate their military rations and dressed, though there wasn't much of a point, seeing as they were trapped in there together. It was about nine in the morning and Benny was telling them about one of his 'vampirate' adventures when Dean heard something outside, something other than the sand scratching their tent and the rain smacking the ground.
"Benny." Dean shot him a warning look, and he fell silent, his face hardened. Dean reached for his gun, eyeing the zippered entrance to the tent. Sam stared at the same spot, and they all strained their ears. Then, after a moment, they heard it again, a strangled yell, almost a cry.
"Sounds like a wounded animal." Benny whispered.
"This far out?" Sam whispered back, and realization shot through Dean.
"Shit." He stood up and rushed to the door. "One of those idiots probably tried to leave the tank or something."
"Dean, be careful!" Sam called out as Dean opened the tent and rushed out. It was nearly pitch black outside, so Dean grabbed the flashlight from his pocket and held it up.
"Hey!" He called to a shadowy figure a few feet away, trying to run to him. The sand was so full of water it was like wading, and sand and cold rain hit his skin, stinging him. The light from the flashlight was mostly picking up the rapidly moving water, so he couldn't see the man before him well.
"Hey!" He yelled again, and suddenly the man pitched forward. Terror seized him, as he took in the sight of the broken, bloody man before him with blurry eyes. "Cas!"
Cas stumbled towards him, and Dean grabbed him, trying to pull him up, then realizing he couldn't stand on his own. He could barely see, yet the blood stains were clear and obvious to him. He tucked the flashlight back into his pocket, hands shaking, and picked Cas up, throwing him over his shoulder. Turning back to the tent, he waded through the watery sand as fast as his shaking legs could carry him.
Pushing through the entrance of the tent, Sam yelped in surprise upon seeing the familiar trench coat, while Benny's jaw dropped in shock. Dean gently set him down on the floor as the other men closed the tent, then grabbed the bucket next to him and spat a mouthful of sand into it.
"He needs help!" He yelled to them, pushing the trench coat aside with trembling hands. Now, his tears washing the sand from his eyes, he could start to see the full extent of the damage, and he felt like screaming. Cas wasn't moving, not at all, and his body was covered in dirt, blood, bruises and scratches, some deeper than others. His suit was practically shredded, and there was small patches of light seeping from some of his wounds.
"Get help!" Dean screamed at Benny, voice hoarse. "Get someone, get anyone!"
Benny rushed out of the tent, and Sam bent down, pushing Dean away.
"Deep breaths, Dean, deep breaths, everything's okay." He said quickly, untying Cas' too-tight tie.
"He's dying, look at him Sam!" Dean yelled, feeling sand in his throat. He was creating a small puddle on the floor, just as Cas was, though Dean was only dripping water, and Cas was mostly dripping blood.
"I know, I'm trying to help! Take his shoes off, help me get some layers off so I can see the damage." Sam ordered, one of the rare moments when he was in charge. Dean pulled off one of his shoes, his whole body practically convulsing. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been so afraid. He could barely think, only repeating the same thing over and over again in his head.
He's okay, it's okay, we're okay.
He knew he was lying.
"Guys, we're back!" Benny yelled over the roaring wind as he opened the tent flap, and Gwen rushed in from behind him, stopping at the sight of Cas' bloody form.
"Is he breathing?" She asked, kneeling in front of him and stopping Sam and Dean. They'd removed his trench coat and suit coat and were in the process of unbuttoning what remained of his white shirt.
"I don't think so." Sam answered, looking over at Dean with an edge of panic in his voice. Dean felt like he'd just been shot.
"Help us! Help us save him!" Dean cried out, knowing he was now crying not because of the sand in his eyes, knowing they all noticed, and he couldn't care less.
"Sam, Benny, grab some needles and start sewing up all the wounds that all this um, this light is coming out of." Gwen directed, and Benny ran to where he knew the medical kit was. "Dean, clean the other wounds with a cloth and some iodine."
Benny handed him the small bottle and a rag, and Dean gently rubbed the solution onto Cas' scrapes, a pain settling deep in his stomach and mixing with disgust. Someone had hurt him so badly, and he wasn't going to be alright.
Gwen started to push down on Cas' chest, performing CPR, but paused after a moment, seeming to change her mind.
"Benny, I'm gonna keep trying this but you need to run to the tank and get the defibrillator." She commanded, and he dropped his needle and ran out.
"Will it still work?" Sam asked, voice lowered. There were tears in his eyes too, but he would never care for Cas the way Dean did.
"He's an angel, I think he's better than humans with these things." She shrugged and pressed down on his chest again.
Dean kept cleaning the wounds, looking up periodically at Cas' pale face. He'd never been this still, not when he stood straight and stared ahead as though he was guarding them, not when he stared at something with squinted eyes of confusion, not ever. He felt his stomach twist.
"Is he dead?" Dean whispered, and Sam grimaced. The light was still leaking out of him, but it seemed much fainter now.
"Don't look at him, Dean." Gwen replied, voice wavering. "Just don't look at his face."
Benny stormed back in, practically throwing the defibrillator on the ground, and Gwen wasted no time putting gel on the paddles.
"Stop touching him." She ordered, and Sam pulled his needle off the thread as Dean leaned away.
She placed the two paddles onto Cas' chest and electrocuted him, his body barely moving. Dean felt his stomach twist even further. She stopped and felt for a pulse on his neck, then shook her head and prepared the paddles again. Dean grabbed the bucket next to him and threw up into it, breathing deeply.
"It's okay, Dean, it'll be okay." Sam consoled him as Gwen shocked Cas again, feeling out of place. His brother was always the one comforting him. Now he was losing hope, and he knew soon he'd be helping his usually strong brother mourn.
"I have a pulse." Gwen declared, and Dean looked hopeful. "Benny, get me some plasma and plastic tubing from that kit, I think there's a collapsed lung. You guys keep patching him up."
Benny grabbed the bag of clear liquid and pierced Cas' forearm with a needle as Gwen shoved the thin tube down his throat, worrying Dean. She squeezed her small air pump repeatedly as the others worked, trying to keep the oxygen in him. Cas' eyes fluttered then, and Dean set down the iodine in time to see his angel gasp and wake up, exhausted and terrified.
"Cas." He cupped his face with his hand, feeling relief rush through him. "You're okay."
"Dean." He whispered, the thin tubing in the way of him speaking. "I heard your prayers."
"It's okay, just relax." Dean said, feeling a hot blush form on his cheeks. He was acting in a way he never had in front of his friends and brother, and assumed he would be teased mercilessly if they all got out of this alright.
"I love you." Cas whispered, looking at him with teary eyes, affection filling them.
"I love you too. We all love you." He ran his fingers through Cas' hair, though it was matted with blood.
"I'm gonna give him some morphine, it'll knock him out but he'll be pain-free." Gwen said quietly to him, as if not wanting to interrupt. Dean nodded, and she stood up to get the needle. She gave him the shot, and they all sat still for a moment as they waited for him to fall asleep, eyes on Dean as long as he could keep them open.
It was about an hour later when Cas was lying on the air mattress, unconscious and tucked in. There was a tube in his mouth, he was hooked up to plasma, and covered in scrapes, but he looked at peace as he slept.
Gwen, Benny and Sam were wiping blood off their clothes and the floor, excusing Dean to sit next to Cas and watch over him. Funny how things had gone the other way around.
"I think that's all." Gwen said, picking up the bucket full of sand, water, blood and vomit to throw out into the rain. "I'm heading back, I can tell it's eased up a little out there."
"Be safe." Benny said, looking tired, and she nodded, heading out. The four of them sat in silence for a moment, before Sam decided to speak.
"What did I say, Dean?" He said, though Dean kept his eyes on Cas, not turning to look at his brother. "He's gonna be okay."
"Yeah." Dean replied quietly, and said nothing more.
"Maybe you should get some rest, brother." Benny said with a sigh. "We'll stay up and watch Cas."
"That's fine." Dean said, trying to sound hard, but he was very clearly worn out.
"You had a lot taken out of you today, Dean." Sam agreed with Benny. "Physically, emotionally-"
"Hey, just because-" He turned to face them, then took a deep breath. "Just because we've got this thing going on, doesn't mean I'm less than anything, okay? I'm the same."
"We all know that, Dean, but you gotta get some rest. We're right here, we'll wake you up if something goes wrong. And it won't." Sam added hastily, and Dean sighed.
He climbed off the wooden crate he was on, finding a spot on the floor just next to the air mattress, and grabbed a nearby blanket, curling up on the hard ground.
"Here, lover-boy." Benny said, throwing a pillow at him, and Dean muttered a few choice words before falling asleep, hearing nothing but the rain against the canvas and Sam and Benny's soft murmurs.
He slept fitfully for a few hours, then woke up and watched Sam and Benny play charades, the thunder sounding off so loudly and frequently that speaking was practically useless. Benny wasn't so great with pop-culture references, so there was a lot of confusion as Sam made the wild motions of swishing a lightsaber and flicking a wand. This continued for an hour or so, and when the thunder started to fade away, Cas woke up, looking over at Dean with tired eyes.
"Dean?" He whispered, voice croaking, and Dean jumped in surprise, not knowing he'd woken.
"Cas! How're you feeling?" He bent over Cas, inspecting him, and Sam and Benny came over to stand next to the mattress.
"Strange. I don't know if I like this morphine stuff." He stretched a bit, and Dean almost smiled fondly, but Cas' grimace of pain stopped him.
"Can you heal yourself?" Sam asked behind him, concerned for the man who was practically his brother.
"Give me a day to save my strength, and yes." He answered, then yawned, a first for him.
"We're just glad you're okay. What happened?" Dean asked, and they locked eyes. While Dean's were hopeful, Cas just seemed despondent.
"It's always been like this, Dean. It always will be. I'll break, you'll fix me, I'll break again."
"That's what Winchesters do. Now tell me what happened." Dean said, but as he did, Cas closed his eyes. "Cas? Castiel?"
"Let him sleep, Dean. He needs it." Sam said, patting him on the arm, and Dean nodded.
Cas might have been okay, but they had no idea if he would remain that way. He was right; there was so much fighting, so much pain, that they were all repeatedly fucked, and no matter how happy they would be when they weren't, it would happen again, it always would. And it was happening, soon, and they had no idea.