Title: Chaperones and Charades
Author: Third Charm
Fandom: Babylon 5
Pairings: Delenn/Sheridan, Susan/Byron/Lyta, Marcus/Neroon.
Story Type: Comedy, Parody, and Drama.
Current Chapter Rating: T
Disclaimer: Babylon 5 and all subsequent major characters, plots, and ideas are the property of J. Michael Straczynski, Babylonian Inc. and Warner Bros. The Kreene, Lorrel, and the House of Ard are my original additions for the purposes of the storyline. The following story was written only for the purposes of entertainment. No income had been made.
Warnings: AU and AT, not completely beta read, WIP, first attempt at fan fiction, slash in later chapters.
Spoilers: Everything, including the kitchen sink.
Summary: Marcus becomes the target of a diplomatic matchmaker for an alien noble. In a desperate attempt to escape from the matrimonial web being spun around him, Marcus somehow convinces Neroon to help him out. Insanity ensues.
Author's Note: One Earth year equals 0.74 Minbari cycles. The Minbari words and phrases were found at the "JumpNow" website in John Hightower's Minbari dictionary, though not all are direct translations. In order to make this story work, certain characters of B5 join the War Council earlier that in the series, while others that were not involved in the Council are. The roles of aids of the Ambassadors have also been expanded. Hey, I did say this was AU!
Chaperones and Charades
Chapter Two
Ah, to be in space again! Away from the Clan Elders, the rest of the Caste, the Council, and particularly Shai Alyt (Warrior Caste Leader) Shakiri had to be one of the most liberating of feelings. Alyt (Captain) Neroon of the Star Riders Clan had felt pure relief when he boarded his War Cruiser, the Ingata. Returning to the Warrior Caste Council and having to explain why Delenn was now elevated to Entil'Zha had not been a... "comfortable" experience. Moreover, that explanation led to the even more uncomfortable explanation as to why he had broken den'shah. The Alyt had never before seen such an uproar in the Warrior Caste Council Chamber before. A human willing to die for a Minbari, and calling on Valen's name in his last moments to boot!
Neroon had been positive that Shakiri was about to expire on the Council Floor when he heard that bit of information. He now understood the meanings of the Human sayings, "his eyes were bugged out of his head" and "tongue-tied". He hadn't been able to help himself; a chuckle had escaped him at the sight of the Wind Sword loosing his control in such a humiliating manor. Thank Valen, no one had noticed, and if they had, they had ignored him.
Standing safely on the bridge of his ship, the Alyt was now able to savor the humor in the situation. Before Neroon had witnessed it, he had not believed such a range of stupidity and complete in-articulation could shown by Shakiri as he tried to find a way to punish Neroon for not killing Delenn without incriminating himself in his own plots against her. There had been no doubt about it; Shakiri had been after his hide. For a few tense moments Neroon had thought that he would be declared Outcast. He had been able to extricate himself out of that fiasco with life, standing, and honor still intact only with the help of Master Durhann and his cadre. The wily old Denn'Bok Master (Minbari fighting pike Master) was able to think and talk circles around Shakiri and his supporters.
Neroon's musings were interrupted by one of his aides. "Sir, we have a "for your eyes only" communiqué coming in from Yedor," the very young and very nervous aide stuttered out.
Neroon's curiosity was peaked. "Very well, young Warrior. I will take it in the tactical display room," he answered.
"Yes, Alyt," the youth acknowledged, then bowed and withdrew.
Neroon made his way to the command's tactical display room, pondering why a message would be sent in such high secrecy. What ever it held, it did not bode well him or the Ingata, of that he was sure. When he reached his destination, Neroon immediately walked to the communications terminal. He looked at the screen. This no communiqué, it was an incoming live relay message straight from the Warrior Caste Council Chambers. What could be so important as to warrant this? Neroon activated the display. It showed the venerable old Warrior, Master Durhann.
"Ah, Neroon. Well, I must say, I did not expect for us to be speaking to each other again so quickly," the Elder greeted him.
Neroon bowed his head. "Master Durhann, I also did not expect such a quick conversation. I do not understand the speed or the need for such secrecy," he replied dryly.
The Denn'Bok Master picked Neroon's emphasis on "secrecy". "Neroon, do not be cross with your young aide. I gave him strict orders to misrepresent this message if you were not alone."
"I see, again Master, may I inquire on the need for such secrecy?" Neroon asked.
"That will be revealed when you hear my message," replied Durhann. "To put it simply, Shakiri is dead."
Neroon was stunned. "How… How did this happen?"
Derhann sighed in vexation. "Apparently Shakiri's stupidity knew no bounds today. He did not only dishonor and insult the entirety of the Caste today in Council, with his words and actions, he has also stained the honor of the Wind Swords in such a way that I did not think they will ever recover from it, once words gets out."
This was ill news indeed. "I may not yet know what has happened to the Shai Alyt, but surely they can do some kind of damage control," Neroon stated, inferring both to his need to know precisely what happened to Shakiri and the Wind Sword Elders' ability at spin control.
"Not this time, my friend. If they worked at light speed, it would not be fast enough to stop the story of what happened from getting out," Durhann said rather sadly. "Apparently, after he reached the Wind Sword stronghold, that idiot threw a tantrum that would have made a two Standard year old Human child look reasonable. He marched into his personal training salle and smashed everything in sight while screaming every profanity and curse known to our races' three modern languages."
Neroon had known that Shakiri had possessed a temper. But, by this description, the Warrior must have also been mentally unbalanced. This tale kept getting more and more shocking.
"Oh, but it just gets better from there, Neroon. Sech (drill and instruction Master) Turval had sent a young Human female trainee for the Anla'Shok to deliver some information crystals that Shakiri had requested. She had, as the Humans say, a "front row seat" to the entire incident, including the grand finale. The raving idiot ordered the murders of you, Delenn, and her Anla'Shok Champion right in front of the Human. Then, with great fan fair, Shakiri spun around only to trip on the mess he had made. He landed right on top of the smashed edges of two training denn'boks."
Neroon paled. Denn'boks were notoriously hard to damage, but once broken, the metal was sharp enough and strong enough to rip through a Warrior's armor. The sharp edges of broken denn'boks of any kind could easily kill a Warrior.
" At least… At least, he died by a Warrior's weapon. Although, ordering murders in front of a hostile witness was truly stupid. I see now why you said that the Wind Swords would not recover easily," he hesitatingly stated, showing his shock.
"If I know one thing about Human females, my old Teacher, it is their ability to quickly disseminate information. You are right. The Wind Swords have no chance of covering this up. Every Human female within hailing range had probably received the news within seconds of the occurrence. I wouldn't be surprised if ISN is running the story as we speak. Hmm, this will also will make our relations with EarthForce and EarthDome even more delicate," Neroon continued after recovering somewhat.
"You are right about the political situation Neroon, but it is not just the insanity of his last orders that that poor Clan now has to live down, but also how he died."
Neroon was confused. Did Master Durhann not say that Shakiri had died after being pierced by a shard of a broken training denn'bok? "Now I am confused, did you not just say…"
Durhann cut him off with, " I had not finished telling the tale, Neroon. Shakiri's wounds were not immediately fatal." There was a definite smirk on Derhann's face now. "The moron landed seat down upon the shards."
Oh, but this was just too much for the Warrior! Neroon couldn't help himself. He began to laugh uncontrollably, and Durhann even joined in.
When finally he was able to gather enough breath to speak Neroon asked, "Then how did he die?"
"Apparently, the thrice cursed fool of a paranoid Warrior had not told his healers of his allergies as he did not want the information used against him by his enemies. Shakiri died of anaphylactic shock brought on by the anesthetic while in surgery to remove the metal shards from his posterior," Durhann explained, still chuckling a bit himself.
Neroon shook his head. This conversation was just one shock after another. "He truly was a fool. And now, whom ever the council elects as Shai Alyt, will have to clean up the mess. I will immediately send them my condolences along with my support."
Durhann was now staring very hard at Neroon through the comm screen.
"No, oh no. Not me!" Neroon denied.
Durhann simply nodded at that virulent denial.
"Why me? I am not qualified. I did not believe the truth of sharing souls with the Humans until it was almost too late. Even though I was once Grey, and knew the secrets found, I still refused to believe. I almost broke Valen's Ban. I DID break den'shah. And… And the Humans HATE me. How could anyone think that they will work with me in this war? I almost murdered one of their own, and well, Star Killer would as soon shoot me as look at me if the information I now have is correct," Neroon practically babbled out, desperately trying to avoid this promotion.
Durhann perked up in interest only at the very end of Neroon's little rant of denial. The denial itself was expected. Every newly elected Shai Alyt started their tenure in office with a list of their supposed inadequacies. Durhann tended to tune them out after the first, "Why me?". But, he always was on the lookout for new information.
"Really, what information would that be?" he asked.
Neroon took a calming breath before stating, "It is said that Delenn is now his woman."
Durhann winced. "Can this be confirmed?"
"Yes," Neroon answered firmly.
Durhann swore. "Well, you do have your work cut out for you. First you have to convince the leaders of Earth that we do not want to restart the war with them. We cannot leave that to the Religious Caste, not now. Next, you must placate them, that no, we do not want to kill their so-called favorite Minbari Ambassador. After all, Minbari do not kill Minbari, and Shakiri had become mentally unstable, that is why he ordered such a thing. As for Shakiri's insanity, you better come up with a good reason for that, so GET CREATIVE! And last but not least, YOU HAVE TO CLEAN UP THE MESS YOU LEFT ON BABYLON FIVE!"he finished in an unholy roar.
Neroon felt like a young trainee who had just committed an unspeakable offense during a training session. He started to defend himself. "But…"
"No buts! Your arrogance, voluntarily enforced ignorance, and down right stubbornness caused this mess! Had you but stopped to think just once, this would never have happened. Now you had better dig Minbar out of the hole you and Shakiri have left us in. We need the ISA as much as they need us. We cannot fight the Shadows alone. We need the Anla'Shok for the intelligence they bring in. We need to work with them all, and in one fell swoop you may have cost us this war!" Durhann roared again, all though at a slightly lower volume this time.
Neroon had by now lost all sense of decorum and was cowering before his old Teaching Master like green a youth.
"Sheridan, NOT "Star Killer" – and DO try to remember that – is the leader of the ISA combined forces. What he says goes. Surval says that he will one day be named Anla'Shok Na," Durhann both chastised and explained.
This time, Neroon winced visibly at the news.
"Yes, that is right, you have made an enemy of quite the important Human. With Marcus following a close second," Durhann said dryly.
"Marcus? But…" Neroon tried to ask only to be cut off again.
"Shut up Neroon, and let me speak!" Durhann cut in again. "The ISA War Council is in the middle of negotiations with the Kreene, a previously unknown race. They are reputed to be very militarily powerful, and are a much-needed ally against the Shadows. What may cement the alliance is a possible marriage contract between the Kreene Senator's daughter and one Anla'Shok named Marcus Cole. Thank Valen, Marcus's strategy in stopping you did not cause his death!"
"What are you…" Neroon again tried to ask only to be cut yet again by the Elder.
"Oh Valen, no wonder we became butchers almost as notorious as the Centauri during the war with the Humans, and almost committed genocide. You young ones JUST DON'T THINK! Between you and Shakiri - oh, Valen, - why me?! Wait!I know, how about YOU telling ME why would a Human Ranger use such an extreme and ancient measure to stop you, hmm? Think about it, I'll wait… all day if I have to," Durhann finished dryly.
Neroon felt truly humiliated now. But how could... Then it suddenly dawned on him. "Marcus had every intention of dying that day. He did not come to fight me, but to delay me from reaching Delenn in time. I was insensate, and refused to listen to reason. The Ranger knew that he could use my pride against me. Once invoked, I would not let my honor be besmirched by breaking den'shah. I did break it in the end, though. Marcus did not expect that. I saw his acceptance of death in his eyes. But why, why come only to die? It could not be only for Delenn," Neroon said and began to pace as he thought the situation out.
"You've made a good start, for an IDIOT. Keep going," Durhann bit out.
"A Human beating a Minbari in a pike fight is unthinkable. But why… Yes, that's it! If Marcus had fought and, by some miracle, even won, Shakiri would have had his excuse to restart the war with the Humans. But if he lost, then both sides would have written him off as someone who had more confidence than he should have had and… Oh Valen! If I had succeeded in killing Delenn then, the Anla'Shok would either have seceded from the Minbari fighting forces or declared out right war against us and the Religious Caste would gone with them in what ever they chose."
Neroon shook his head at that thought. "No, it would have been civil war. The Religious Caste would never have let Delenn be murdered with no vengeance. The war with the Humans is proof of that. Minbar would have been torn apart. By Valen, how could I have been so stupid?!" Neroon cried out in remorse. He had never felt so shamed in his life, not even when he saw Marcus lying in the med lab after his encounter with Delen. "Marcus was willing to die for all our peoples, Human and Minbari alike, while I was set to tear our world apart. You… You and the rest of the council MUST choose another for Shai Alyt. You have just proven to me that I am summarily unqualified for the position."
Durhann sighed. Ah yes, there it was, the "Choose someone else" point of the speech. Oh, why did they all have to use the same script? The old Master had heard it all before. Neroon was now worse than those who had come before, he had just acted as more of an idiot than most. Durhann pulled himself out of his thoughts and started the hand-holding stage of the talk.
"Neroon, as painful as these revelations are to you right now, you are qualified. Well, not in strategy. That we will leave to Sheridan, with as much input from his Council and our different Caste Councils as he will allow. No matter what you think of the way he had brought down the Drala'Fi (Black Star), it was ingenious, and this war will need such original thinking."
"I am sorry to add more pain to your soul Neroon, but the truth is, we need you for the kill count. You are very good at what you do. You fight. Once a strategy is decided; you can work very well within its perimeters in order to do the most damage to the enemy. And when it, as the Humans say, "hits the fan" you can improvise an excellent exit strategy that gets your people out of there while still doing the most damage possible. That is what we are looking for from you in this war. Well, that and cleaning up Shakiri's mess – and your own. We don't expect Valen returned," Durhann explained not unkindly.
Neroon sat down and remained silent for a while as he absorbed this information. Then he laughed mirthlessly. ""I killed fifty thousand of your kind during the war, what is one more?" I was once proud of that statement. Now that it makes wreathe in shame, it makes me the best choice to lead our Caste. Valen, what have we come to?"
Durhann shook his head sadly at that question. "A fight for our very existence. Ironic, isn't it? I think what you feel now is exactly how Sheridan must have felt when he earned our moniker for him. Yet, at what they thought was to be their end, he and his kind were willing to continue to fight and die so that a bare handful of civilians could reach safety. I wonder, if this war ends for us in the same manner as it could have for them, would we as a Caste do that for the others?" Durhann mused.
"I would like to sat yes, but after my actions, and that of Shakiri, I now wonder," Neroon answered in shame.
Durhann huffed. "Make no mistake, you are guilty of crimes against our people, and monstrous crimes against the Humans, as we are all. This is not just about sharing souls either. What right do we have to decides who live and who dies? Ah well, that is neither here nor there. Your path to redemption now is in protecting all our people and starting the reconciliation with the Anla'Shok and the ISA. It will not be an easy path to walk, Neroon. Please call me if you need advice. I will also pray for you," and with that, Durhann signed off.
Neroon sat and stared at the blank screen for some time. It was taking a while to get used what fate had now thrown at him. His guilt and shame at his own stupidity did not help matters any. He was brought back to reality by the sound of the door being opened.
"Ah, Neroon there you are. I have some hilarious news from Babylon Five to share!" Lorrel, his executive officer, and oldest friend, stated as he walked into the room. Lorrel's smile and good mood vanished when he saw his friend's face. "Valen, you look as if some has murdered you pet gok (Minbari feline). What has happened?" he asked.
Neroon looked at his friend and sighed. "Could you not lecture or say, "I told you so" until I am done relaying my conversation with Master Durhann to you?" he asked.
"Yes, of course, now tell me what could be so bad," Lorrel said softly.
So Neroon told, leaving nothing out. Of course, he had had to wait for Lorrel to stop rolling around on the floor while laughing hysterically after hearing about Shakiri before continuing. After Neroon was done Lorrel swore quite colorfully and for quite a while.
"This bad, very, very, bad," Lorrel finally stated.
"This I know my friend. Now please tell something I don't know," Neroon replied.
"How about, I told you so," Lorrel needled.
"I know that too, Shadows take you!" Neroon yelled.
"Don't get angry at me! I am NOT responsible for this mess!" Lorrel yelled back.
"All right, all right. Let's both calm down and plot a strategy to complete the tasks before me," Neroon placated his friend.
"Well first we announce your promotion to the crew, then we plot a course to Babylon 5," his XO stated.
"And what is our reason for going there?" Neroon asked dryly.
"That's simple. One, We will be there to apologize profusely for Shakiri's too long existence. Two, we will offer the Caste's services to the ISA for the war effort. Three, we will be there for you to do what no Shai Alyt has ever done before," Lorrel answered.
Neroon knew that tone of voice- and dreaded it. "And what, prey tell, is that?" he asked in dread.
"Grovel," Lorrel answered with a smirk.
The screamed, "WHAT?!" could be heard through the entire Sharlin (Minbari War Cruiser).