Nicky couldn't stop thinking about Red. She wondered what she could do to make things better for her, like Red had done for her so many times before. She also couldn't stop the fear from creeping up on her again and again. What if Red was released, where would that leave her? What would she do without Red there to knock some sense into her, without Red there to distract her from her drug of choice? Or worse...what would she do if Red was released and she died? What if she really died? Nicky couldn't wrap her mind around it. Without Red, Nicky wouldn't know how to turn away from the drug again. Without Red, she would give in, because there was no one else on this earth who loved her the way she did. If Red died, she would, too.
Red was fairing no better in the kitchen. The place that was usually her shelter from the storm, couldn't shelter her thoughts today. While her own fate hung in the balance and was never far from her mind, while her thoughts drifted occasionally to telling her sons that she was sick, that she was a cancer patient behind bars, the one thing she kept seeing again and again was Nicky's eyes. She saw raw fear in those eyes when she told her that she should be able to go and be with her "family". Nicky looked broken as she said the words, no matter how hard she tried to sound optimistic. And Red understood. Nicky had never had a mother to love her before. She didn't know how to accept the unconditional love that Red gave her. Nicky was a part of her family, too. When she looked into the future she saw Nicky with her and her sons, with maybe a family of her own, sitting around the dinner table during the holidays. She had never once imagined her life outside of these walls without Nicky beside her. She just had to make Nicky see that. And she had to be strong. She had to pull through this, no matter the prognosis. For Nicky.
About an hour after lights out, it was Red who snuck into Nicky's cube. She observed her for a minute before making her presence known. It wasn't often she was able to just stand and observe her, and Red wanted to savor this, just for a moment. Nicky was lying on her back, hands behind her head, her frizzy hair strewn about on the pillow. She was breathing deeply and staring off into space.
Red sighed softly and moved closer. "Can't sleep either, hmm?"
Nicky looked up and managed a smirk, then sat up and bent her legs up, leaving room for Red to sit down beside her. Red sat down and leaned against the wall, sighing deeply before looking over at Nicky and smiling softly at her, her hands patting her lap, and Nicky immediately slid closer to her and laid her head down on her lap.
Red started to play with her hair, moving the frizzy but soft locks away form her face, her fingers combing through the strands and tracing small patters on the side of her head. "Today could have gone better for the two of us, hmm?"
Nicky could only manage a nod, her eyes closing, willing the tears that needed to come to go away. But they wouldn't go away, and the tears fell in earnest down her cheeks, Red wiping each one away with her sleeve. They sat in silence for a few minutes, before Red finally spoke again. "Nicky, you have to know, that no matter the outcome, no matter my prognosis or if I do get an early release, I will never leave you. Do you understand?"
Nicky sat up and looked into Red's eyes. No, she couldn't understand. "Red, please don't get angry when I say what I have to say, but I have to know...why? Why me? Why would you choose to love me? Me of all people! I'm a junkie. I don't have anything to offer you. I will never be able to repay you for all you have done for me. Everything I touch turns to shit and you know it. How can you sit here and tell me this? I know you want me to understand, but I don't. I'm sorry."
Red's eyes widened, her heart breaking at Nicky's words. Nicky had turned away from her, no longer able to look her in the eye as she was just a moment ago. Red wouldn't have it. She reached over and grabbed Nicky's face, forcing her to look at her as she had done so many times before. "You listen to me, my girl. Do not question a mothers love her her child. It's ingrained in us. I do not know why we met here all those years ago, I don't know why we became close so quickly, but I don't question it. Love isn't something you choose, Nicky. I did not choose to love you. I just love you. You are my daughter and you are in my heart, as much as my sons are. Don't question it again. Okay?"
Her voice took on a gentler tone as she finished her words, and Nicky could only nod and wrap her arms around Red's neck. She was sobbing now, as if in pain, and Red let her own tears fall. She held her close. "If my prognosis isn't good..." she felt Nicky shudder at that. "Shhh...If my prognosis isn't good and I receive an early release, you will call me, every week. We will pick a day so we can talk, about anything and everything you want. And I will visit you when I can. I promise you, Nicky. I know you think that our relationship will end when one of us leaves this place but not for me it won't. I will still be your mother, inside or outside of these walls, forever. Okay?"
Nicky nods again, burying her face in Red's neck. "I love you so much. I'll help you as much as I can. I'll make you proud. You just...you can't give up, Ma. Please...please don't give up. I know you won't give up on me but please don't give up on yourself. Please!"
"I won't. I won't. Shhh...I'm here. I'm right here..." Red stays with Nicky for a little longer, and then Nicky tells her she should go rest, as she knew the both of them had barely slept the night before. Red puts Nicky's hair behind her ears and kisses her forehead. "Goodnight, my girl. I'll see you in the morning."