Disclaimer: I own nothing associated with Degrassi... lucky me.
Warning: In addition to the strong language present throughout this fic, this chapter contains reference to Paige's rape.
AN: Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, I just love reading what other people are thinking of this story. As always, feedback is greatly appreciated. Sentences in italics indicate thoughts.
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The harsh ringing of the phone broke the perfect stillness of the apartment. Alex turned over in her bed, pulling the covers tighter around her body in an unconscious attempt to block out the noise. Again, the phone sounded, waking her enough to realize the source of the disturbance. Eyes still tightly shut, she reached towards her bedside table and fumbled around until her hand landed on the cordless phone. She clumsily pressed random buttons on the receiver until her fingers found the talk button and silenced the loud ringing. "Hello?" she answered groggily.
"Alex? Oh god..." Paige managed to gasp out before breaking down into violent sobs.
The sound of her girlfriend crying ripped away some of the cobwebs from Alex's mind, her eyes snapped open as she struggled against her sleep-heavy limbs to sit up. "Paige? What's wrong? Are you okay?"
For a few tense moments, all she could hear was the sound of Paige crying so hard she sounded like she was hyperventilating. "Please baby, tell me what's wrong," Alex begged, her growing panic bringing her fully awake.
"D-Dean was... he had you... he was hur-hurting you," Paige choked out between desperate cries. "I-I tried... I tried to stop him... but I couldn't, I couldn't get to you. I'm s-so sorry," her tears won out and again only the sound of strangled sobs permeated the silent night.
Suddenly, she understood. Paige had woken her up a couple of times before in the middle of the night, scared out of her mind by the man who had violated her years ago. Each time, Alex had held her shaking, sweating girlfriend tightly as she recounted the horrible dreams. Paige claimed that the nightmares had become more infrequent with the passing of time, but each was still as terrifying as the first one.
Even with all the fucked up people she had met in her less than perfect life, Alex had never hated anyone as intensely as Dean. Emily Nuñez had brought some real assholes into her home, but none of them were so purely evil as the man who had stolen Paige's innocence. Many times she wished that she could meet that sick fuck in a dark alley with a nice sharp knife in her hand. Alex pushed down the violent spike of anger that always accompanied thoughts of that twisted bastard and switched her focus back to comforting her girl.
"Shh shh, it's okay. I'm right here," she whispered soothingly, wishing that she could hold the frightened girl. "You're okay, I'm here. Nobody hurt me. Everything's alright." Paige's cries quieted slightly, but Alex could tell she was nowhere near calm. "Just take deep breaths for me, okay?"
Paige drew a sharp breath into her tight lungs. The sound of Alex's voice gave her courage enough to jump up and switch on the overhead light before rushing back to the safety of her bed. She sat with her back against the wall and hugged her shaking legs to her chest, pressing her forehead against her knees. She focused on Alex, trying to breathe deeply as the girl instructed her.
Alex's soothing voice, the light and even the feel of the hard plastic phone in her hand all helped to bring her farther back into reality; but she still couldn't shake the ominous feel of her dream. It had seemed so real. Her body tensed up again as the vivid nightmare replayed in her mind, bringing on a fresh wave of tears.
The sound of Paige's renewed sobs nearly brought Alex to tears as well. She felt so fucking helpless sitting here in her darkened room miles away from her love. "Paige, baby, just tell me what happened. Just talk to me, okay? He can't hurt you anymore, I'm right here. It wasn't real, Paige. It was just a bad dream and it's all over now." Alex was starting to feel a little desperate now. She'd never tried to talk Paige down from one of these nightmares over the phone before and she didn't know if she could do any good without being able to touch her.
"I know," Paige whispered so quietly that Alex could barely make out the words, "I know it wasn't... but it felt so real. He had you... and I could-couldn't move... and he was hurting you and I tri-tried to stop it... but I couldn't and you..." A strangled cry wrenched out of her raw throat as Paige thought of what he had done to her beautiful girl. "You... you were so scared... and I couldn't reach you... and it was m-my fault... my fault that he hurt you. I'm so, so s-sorry, Alex."
Paige's breath hiccuped in her throat as she tried to steady herself. "When I woke up and you weren't here... I thought it was real. I know it's stupid... but I thought- I thought you were gone forever," she admitted in a shaky voice. "I thought that he had really taken you... that you were scared and hurt and... it was all because of me."
"It's not stupid, you were afraid. It's alright, Paige. It's not your fault," Alex crooned. "Everything is okay now. I'm right here. Just calm down, take deep breaths."
Paige inhaled deeply as she forced herself to focus on the sound of Alex's voice, the loving tone resonating through her, gradually dissipating the disturbing images of her nightmare. Slowly, her tears abated and her breathing approached a normal rate.
"Why does it still hurt like this? Why can't I just get over it already? I just... I hate this, I hate that even after so long, he can still hurt me. Every time I have one of these stupid dreams, or if I get nervous because there's a guy walking behind me, or... or when we... the first time... and it was so beautiful, but I was so fucking scared... it's just not fair. It's not fair that he gets to live his happy little life with absolutely no negative repercussions while I get to be this traumatized mental case for the rest of mine!" Paige took a deep breath, she hadn't realized that she'd been practically yelling as her fear had turned to anger. All of the emotion of the night felt too heavy all of a sudden, she felt emotionally and physically drained. She sighed wearily and wished that she could just forget all of this. "I just want to be normal again, Alex. I just wish I could be strong and get past this, just let it go already."
Alex frowned deeply at the tone of Paige's voice. She hated to hear her sound so defeated, so down on herself. After everything she had been through, to become the wonderful, beautiful girl that she had was just amazing. She could only hope that she could help Paige remember all of that in these rare low moments. "How can you say that? You stood up to him. You destroyed the guy's car. You stood up in a courtroom full of people, in front of your mother, and testified against him. Paige, you are strong. You are the strongest, bravest person I have ever met. I don't think rape is something that anyone can just get over. It's not fair and it's not right, but you just deal with it as best as you can. What happened to you is one of the worst things a person could experience, so don't ever think that it's wrong for you to still feel scared sometimes... I think that's probably normal."
Both girls were silent for a moment, lost in their own thoughts. Paige cursing herself for being so weak that she couldn't even handle a measly bad dream on her own. Alex wishing that she could find the magic words to say that would make this all better.
"I'm sorry," Paige said in a tiny voice.
"It wasn't your fault, it was just-"
"No, I know. But I'm sorry for waking you up in the middle of the night. I just... I was so scared and it was all so real. I just needed to hear your voice, to know that you were okay," Paige admitted apologetically, still sniffling occasionally as her tears dried.
Alex was glad to hear Paige sounding somewhat stronger. "You have nothing to be sorry about. You know I'm always here for you. I lo-" She had to cut herself off, it was just such a natural impulse to tell Paige that she loved her, but she knew she had no right to say that anymore. She wondered if Paige had caught her little slip-up, the girl's extended silence made her believe that she had. Alex didn't know what to say... should she apologize or let it go like nothing had happened?
"Alex?"
"Yeah?"
Paige's voice seemed to shrink again as she asked, "Would you... I know it's kinda silly, but would you mind staying on the phone with me until I fall asleep?" It was something they had done dozens of times, but asking Alex to do it now seemed inconsiderate, no matter the extenuating circumstances.
Alex sighed in relief, maybe Paige hadn't noticed her close call after all. "Sure. Just try not to snore, okay?" she answered, unable to hold back the familiar tease.
She was rewarded by a hesitant chuckle as Paige got up to turn her light off and slipped under her covers. "I'm not the one who snores, Miss Nuñez," Paige replied, trying for a close approximation of her usual haughty tone.
"Please, I was starting to think I'd have to invest in earplugs," Alex retorted as she snuggled back into her bed.
They both laughed quietly, briefly enjoying their banter after the night of high emotion. Their spurt of good humor died quickly as exhaustion crept into their bones. The girls closed their eyes, wounded hearts aching at the familiar sound of quiet breathing over the phone in the dark.
"Thank you," Paige said, her voice heavy with barely restrained emotion. She hoped that the girl would understand how truly grateful she was for her comfort tonight.
Alex smiled softly, unbidden tears rising in her eyes. "Anytime, Paigey," she answered sincerely.
Long silent moments passed and Alex began to drift off, lulled by the steady breaths on the other end of the phone. Just as she felt herself teetering on the edge of sleep, she heard an impossibly soft voice.
Once she was completely sure that the other girl was asleep, Paige whispered guiltily into the phone, "I love you, Alex." She knew it was wrong, she no longer deserved the privilege of saying those words to her; but they had been burning on her tongue since the moment Alex had answered her call. Paige didn't want to mar the unspoken truce they had reached tonight by bringing her own selfish feelings into play, so she waited until only Alex's subconscious would hear her admission. Feeling slightly relieved by her solitary confession, Paige let her body relax and fell into a heavy sleep.
Alex tried to keep her breathing calm and regular so as not to reveal the fact that she was awake. Playing dead, or at least asleep, seemed like the best response at the moment. Paige loves me?! She still... loves... me. Marco had been telling Alex the same thing for weeks, but hearing those words from Paige's lips again was like... well it was insanely confusing, actually. She was happy, but it hurt and somehow made her a bit angry at the same time.
Why did she have to say that? She shouldn't, she shouldn't even think it anymore. How am I supposed to let her go when I know that she still loves me? How can she still love me after all that's happened? How the hell can she claim to love me after what she did?
Chill out, Alex. She was just upset and probably half-asleep at that point, surely she didn't mean it. Unless she did... what if she thinks that everything is okay now, that we're all better? She's not stupid, if she had wanted you to hear her say it, she would've made sure you were awake.
Alex argued back and forth with herself, working herself into such a state that she couldn't get to sleep. She waited until the light blue of morning crept through the edges of the window shade and then finally hung up the phone. She didn't want to talk to Paige first thing when she woke up. Nothing had changed, they were still over. Alex couldn't let her believe that the last three weeks of hell had been washed away by one night of solace. She turned the ringer on the phone off and placed it on her night stand. As she pulled her covers tightly up to her chest, she decided that staying in bed all day seemed like a very good idea.