Disclaimer: I don't own Percy Jackson and Naruto.
Reading: If You Want Blood You Got It
"Not again…" Percy muttered, looking at the book like it was a bomb.
"I got this," Thalia grunted.
"Balls of steel…"
"Shut up, Valdez." Thalia glared, taking the book and began reading.
A familiar blond male sat in a lazy-boy in a rundown apartment, idly flipping through channels on his television. Boxes of Japanese take out were piled up in the far corner and next to it was an equally tall pile of empty bottles of various beers or alcoholic beverages.
"Ah, observe the bachelor in his natural habitat." Apollo documented.
Hermes wiped a tear from his eye, "So majestic." He awed in a whisper.
A bottle that was in the blond's hand was brought up to his mouth and he downed the liquid that remained with ease. The bottle was then tossed to the far side and landed on top of the pile perfectly.
"At least he's…well organized?" Hazel said.
"Don't bother, Hazel." Nico told his sister.
"Okay."
"Man, I'm so bored!" Naruto whined. He rested his chin on his hand and watched an old film that played on the screen. "Ugh, nothing's on, Tasky's busy on a hunt, Lester won't return my calls, and Dad hasn't had a job for me in a week!"
Relax. We'll get a job soon.
"…He has voices in his head?" Percy asked.
"Don't we all?" Dionysus asked with a confused frown.
Naruto looked up at the yellow thought box with an arched brow. "Are we really doing the thought boxes thing? Am I nothing more than a Deadpool knock-off?"
"Yes. Yes you are." Hades nodded, "But you still are amusing." He noted.
Partially, but the author must consider you one of the Deadpool's of the multiverse. After all Marvel and Percy Jackson are owned by Disney.
"No one owns me!" Percy protested.
"…It explains so much." Annabeth muttered to herself.
"What?"
"Nothing!"
"That's true," Naruto said with a thoughtful hum. He grinned. "Wait, that means that somewhere there's a Lady Deadpool destined to fall for me!"
"Selfcest…by a raise of hands, people!" Aphrodite raised her hand, the other gods looking bashful, avoiding her gaze, "Hmph, cowards."
Piper just face palmed.
Uh, no. She falls for the real Deadpool, you know, the original with the cancer disfigurement?
"Oh, right...You know something? He really doesn't look that bad," Naruto said. He rubbed his chin. "Then again, if I had the face of a man who'd been mauled by a puma and couldn't fix it with plastic surgery, I think I would wear a mask nonstop."
"Agreed." Aphrodite nodded sternly.
Yeah, but then who could see our sexy mugs?
"True dat, white box. True dat!" Naruto nodded and grinned as he scratched at the light stubble that covered his jaw. He snapped his fingers and hopped to stand on the arms of his chair. "I've got it! I'll go visit Peter!"
Percy paled, a whimper escaping his lips. His poor, poor other.
Percy.
"Whatever!" Naruto put his fists on his hips and puffed out his chest with a grin on his face. "It's settled, I'll go visit Pablo and we'll have an awesome adventure! One so legendary, they'll speak of it for decades to come. Eons even!"
"And thus mass genocide happened in New York City that day." Ares said, letting out a sigh of pleasure.
"You are sickening." Athena scowled.
"Meh." The war god shrugged.
Ooo, Eon? Will we meet Captain Marvel, too?
I'm pretty sure that's a DC character.
"Ah, the debates that will forever roam the internet." Apollo sighed, he loved looking at flame wars. They were hilarious! He even started a few just to be an internet troll for the hell of it. Ah, stupid mortals.
"Eh, who cares? We're already ruining the continuity of one universe, let's fuck 'em all up!" Naruto frowned at the boxes above his head. "But first, let's get one thing straight. If I'm going to have voices in my head, they're not going to be nameless! You, yellow box, will be known as...Kurama!"
Hm, strong like a mountain and devious...I like it! The newly named Kurama said happily.
"And there's the fox." Zeus grunted.
"And as for my white box friend, you sound like me, only higher in pitch...like an opposite! I'll call you Yami Naruto, or Yami for short!" Naruto grinned.
"Darkness, wonderful." Hades rolled his eyes.
Yay! I am the King of Games! It's time to duel! Mind Crush! Oh, the fun to be had! Yami giggled.
Indeed. Let's get going! I'm starting to fall asleep. Kurama yawned.
"Off then, to a new adventure!" Naruto declared dramatically before he jumped out the window...and shattered the glass in the process. "Ow, dammit."
"That had to hurt. Healing factor or not he has to pull that all out." Nico winced, rubbing his arms.
In a small apartment in New York, Percy Jackson groaned and forced himself to stay awake as he attempted to survive the latest torture that the Fates had decided to bestow upon him: Math homework.
"You poor baby." Annabeth cooed playfully, pinching Percy's cheek.
Percy swatted it away, his cheeks pink. "Shut up." He mumbled.
His hand that held his head up slipped into his hair as he stared at his least favorite type of questions, the dreaded word problem.
"Words and numbers do not mix." Percy scowled, crossing his arms.
Seriously, Percy loved his dad and he knew his dad loved him, but good gods, Percy hated having dyslexia.
The godly parents shrugged, shit happens.
"I wish Annabeth were here...ugh."
"To have something to look at." Leo whistled to the smiling couple.
Percy let his arms cross and he dropped his head onto them. "Math is evil..."
Percy nodded with his other.
"Percy!" His mother, Sally Jackson, called.
Percy turned his head toward the door. "Yeah, Mom?"
"Someone's here to see you? A funny boy named...Nathan?" She sounded as though she were double-checking.
"…No." Percy whisper in fear for his mom.
"Maybe it isn't him?" Frank suggested weakly.
"Yo, Patrick, it's Naruto! C'mon man let's go do something!"
"Or it is."
Percy's head lifted up and all the weariness that his homework had caused him left so that worry and a bit of fear could take its place. His heart pounded in his chest and his mouth went dry.
"Naruto." The name brought forward nearly repressed memories of their only mission together, the one Blackjack has still not forgiven him for. Percy paled. That guy was alone with his mom!?
"Run!" Percy shouted, save mom!
"He can't hear you, Bubble Boy." Thalia reminded him.
"I don't care!"
The son of Poseidon shot from his desk and threw his bedroom door open. He ran into the living room and nearly slipped as he stopped. He stared absolutely dumbfounded at what he found.
His mother and Naruto laughing together.
"An-and then he said, because it wanted a nice cock!" Percy gaped as his mother, who chided him on his language and his attitude, who seemed like the purest and nicest woman who had no idea what the word vulgar would mean, laughed harder.
"No! Not missus Jackson!" Leo cried out.
"You don't even know her." Jason told him.
"Well, still!" Leo said, getting Percy to nod quickly.
"Oh my," Sally said with another giggle. "I haven't laughed that hard since I met Paul."
Poseidon pursed his lips at that, much like a fish. But, he was still happy that Sally was happy.
"Hm, so there's someone funnier than me?! I must eliminate the threat...then again if you're dating him that means he's off the market and unapproachable...which means I get more of the ladies!" Naruto beamed while Sally let out another laugh. He hopped to his feet and took Sally's hand in his own. "It's been a pleasure, but with the boy bubbler present, we can be on our way."
He kissed her hand and Sally tittered in amusement while Percy slapped a hand on his face.
"Hand sanitizer?" Reyna asked Percy, getting a dry look from him.
He thought she wasn't the funny one?
Naruto then jumped over the couch and wrapped his arm around Percy's neck. He pointed out at the window. "With me, Perseus! To battle for the glory of Asgard!"
The gods looked unamused at that while the kids snickered a bit.
Olympus.
Naruto rolled his eyes. "Details!"
"Wha-no, I-I've got homework to do-o-o!" Percy cried as Naruto pulled him out of the room.
"…Wow, Percy would rather do homework then be with Naruto? That speaks volumes." Annabeth whistled, looking awed.
"…I'm not that bad."
Percy just got a raised brow from his girlfriend at that one.
"Be careful, Percy!" Sally called after her son before she shut the door. "What a nice young man. Percy's certainly made an interesting friend."
"No, mom, no!" Percy cried out, "Not a friend, not a friend!"
"I. Hate. You." Percy growled. He shifted around in his cocoon of duct tape
"Aaand save." Ares said holding up a cellphone, "That's my cells new background." He smiled.
Percy just glared at him.
and glared at the blond that drove them around in a convertible. "How did you even do this so fast!?"
"The power of a short time skip!
"And the forth wall takes another blow!" Leo bemoaned.
"No need to fret, Leo Valdez." Athena smirked at Poseidon, "I'm sure our dear sea god can fix it. He has prior experience after all."
Poseidon just gave her a dirty look.
It's faster than a montage, which I would've used, but my iPod didn't have the right song." Naruto sighed.
You just had to have all those Taylor Swift CDs.
Don't diss Taylor! She's the queen of our dreams~!
Thalia blanched, "Yeah, he's a lost cause." She huffed.
"Drama queen." Nico rolled his eyes.
"Hey!" the hunter glared.
"What Yami said! Swift's the queen of the charts...and of my heart...Aside from Tasky of course," Naruto said.
"Aww, that's sweet." Aphrodite cooed as Athena couldn't help but feel sorry for her daughter.
He looked at Percy. "And I wouldn't have had to duct tape you if you didn't keep trying to run away!"
"You're holding me hostage!" Percy tried to shift so he could get his hand into his pocket and grab Riptide.
"Hostage, such an ugly word." Hades frowned.
"You would know." Demeter glared, making Hades roll his eyes.
Naruto snorted. "You say hostage, I say guys' night out."
Percy scowled and tried to think of a way to get out of this predicament."...I have to pee."
Annabeth palmed her face, "Oh Percy." She mumbled.
"What? That's a legit excuse!"
"Then pee. It's not like this is my car," Naruto said with a smirk.
Hermes cheered at that.
Percy looked at Naruto with a frown and then looked at the road. "...Fine. I don't have to pee. Why did you kidnap me?"
"He pulled a Hades."
"Hestia, tell Demeter to suck an ear of corn."
Hestia sighed at her siblings squabbling.
Naruto looked offended. "Hey, I took you with your parent's permission, that's not kidnapping!"
"A valid point." Hades nodded, looking at Zeus.
"Don't bring me into this." The lightning god said sternly.
Percy ignored the comment. "And who's Tasky?"
"Well to answer your first question, I took you out away from your dreadful math homework-"
"How did you know it was math!?"
"Forth wall." Leo deduced.
"Scary." Hazel shuddered.
Naruto ignored the son of the sea. "- to have a fun night on the town! As for the second, you're not the only one with a Wise Girl in their lives."
"...You're dating a daughter of Athena?" Percy asked with wide eyes.
"How envious he sounds." Piper teased, getting Annabeth to giggle and smile at Percy, getting a goofy smile from him.
"Date is a...strong word. She prefers to call it a 'beneficial relationship'," Naruto said. His relationship was weird like that, but he wouldn't have it any other way.
With lots and lots of sex! Yami chimed in with a giggle.
Aphrodite was in titters. Athena just frowned, not wishing to hear this.
Kurama sighed. Yes, that's what was implied.
Ohh...But why not just say it? Yami asked.
Kurama huffed. Because, Percy Jackson is a Disney character – well, not directly but you know what I mean. He is...pure of mind.
"And dense." Annabeth huffingly added.
"Okay, maybe a little bit." Percy admitted stubbornly.
"I call bullshit on that, no one is that pure! ...Except for maybe Artemis." Naruto amended.
"Maybe?" Artemis raised a brow dangerously.
"Not too sure about that Oreo guy's real relationship with her, though."
Apollo snickered as Reyna scowled at the mention of the giant.
"Nothing happened!" the huntress denied.
"Me thinks the lady doth protest too much."
"Silence, Harlot!"
True...What about Hestia? Kurama asked.
Naruto nodded. "Okay, she's pure."
Hestia beamed at that.
"Who?" Percy asked, though he was ignored.
And Athena?
Um, hello? That's Tasky's Mom! Yami dryly pointed out.
Hm, point taken...I wonder how Brain Babes are actually made? Kurama hummed.
Yami could've rolled his eyes if he had them. Imaginary sex, duh. Even I knew that!
All eyes turned to Athena, who was slightly pink, "It's not true at all."
"Of course not." Aphrodite commented, looking as though she was the cat that ate the canary.
And they call her a virgin goddess...consider me disgusted! Always silently undressing those poor college students while she teaches them...Kurama shuddered.
"Athena!" the love goddess squealed.
"Mom?" Annabeth questioned.
"It's not true!" the wisdom goddess proclaimed.
"Now that is one TILF I'd like to meet."
"…I will burn him to ashes." Athena hissed, much like a snake.
Naruto grinned as turned the corner into Central Park.
"Who the heck are you talking to?" Percy asked finally.
"The voices in my head." Naruto shrugged nonchalantly.
Percy suddenly grew even more concerned for his own safety.
"Now he does?" Jason asked.
"Well, more so." Percy admitted.
"…Still, now?"
Hello Princely! Yami called.
He can't hear you, Yami. Kurama pointed out.
Is he deaf? Yami asked innocently.
Percy just cradled his face in his palms, he could feel his sanity leaving him. Just by hearing this!
"No, but you are stuck in my head," Naruto said as he pulled into a parking spot. Once the engine was stopped, he got out of the car and went around to Percy's side. He grabbed the duck taped demigod and hoisted him out without an issue. "C'mon Porunga!"
"Seriously?" Percy asked, "Do I look like a dragon?"
Percy glared at the blond teen. "Do I look like a dragon to you?"
The other demigods chuckled at Percy's red face, "Shut up." He grumbled, crossing his arms.
"Never." Thalia chuckled and continued.
Naruto held him up and pursed his lips in thought. His eyes flashed purple and a smile spread across his face. Instead of a green-eyed duck taped boy, he saw a red-eyed, green-scaled dragon that looked like it had been working out with Ares for the past fifty years its arms and chest were so big.
"Percy, dude, you buffed up." Leo whistled.
Percy pumped his arm, "Huh." He mused.
"Not too buff, please." Annabeth told him.
"Oh, okay."
"Yes!" Naruto nodded.
"Oh...Dad, help." Percy looked up towards the Empire State Building and hoped his father could hear him.
"And he was answered with silence." Zeus smirked.
Poseidon glared at his brother.
"Lighten up, Peter-boy, we're here for a reason!" Naruto dumped Percy on the ground and reached behind him to pull out a giant knife. "Now, hold still otherwise this could really hurt."
Oh he'll be fine. He has a broken healing factor. Kurama rolled his eyes.
"Right?!" Ares exclaimed.
"It's not broken." Poseidon rolled his eyes.
"Healing is my shtick you know." Apollo stated to his favorite uncle.
Poseidon looked sheepish at that.
Not as broken as ours! Yami declared challengingly. Can he heal from a gunshot to the head like we can? No!
"I'd rather not test it." Percy stated.
"Aw." Ares said, lowing the gun he had trained on Jackson's head.
Well, no shit. We got our broken healing factor from Lyssa and the Maniae.
"Of course." Dionysus nodded, "That makes sense."
All the other gods groaned at this, of course the nut jobs would do this!
And they were just too crazy to make us truly immortal. What's his excuse? Kurama demanded.
"He's the son of the immortal merman!" Naruto chimed as he stabbed the cocoon with a mad smile. Percy looked ready to faint, the knife had been stabbed right below his groin.
"No! Annabeth hasn't used that yet!"
"Aphrodite!" Athena screeched like an owl at the giggling love goddess.
Annabeth's cheeks were enflamed at the very thought along with Percy.
Naruto ignored the white-skinned hero and slid the knife down, to free Percy's legs. He then grabbed either leg and pulled them free. "There now you can walk!"
The pale boy glared at him. "You're insane. You know that, right?"
"Well, I'm flattered you want to flirt, Percy, but I don't swing that way...I think..."
Percy gaped as Aphrodite smirked.
"My oh my, Percy!"
Annabeth held Percy's arm possessively at that.
Boobies! Yami cheered.
"And insta-boner. Yep, you're safe. I'm straight as a two-by-four!" Naruto gave Percy a thumbs up.
All the gods gave salutes to this. All hail the boobies!
He then grabbed one side of the duct tape and ripped it off, which freed Percy from his cocoon. "There, now you're free. And now that that's out of the way, let's go. We got a camp to fuck up."
"What?" Percy blinked as he pulled his right arm from the rest of the trap. He rubbed his skin. "Ow...I think I pulled some hairs..."
Naruto shrugged. "Meh, it'll help you swim faster, or so I hear."
"He did not just say that…" Poseidon shook his head.
Percy just stared at the blond, completely disbelieving that he just said that to a son of Poseidon. For his own sanity's sake, Percy shook it off. He'd think about it later...when he was dead.
"Always an incentive." Nico nodded.
"Not really." Hazel said dryly.
"So, you said something about a camp?"
"Huh? Oh yeah, I got a call on my way over to your house. Tasky and Leopold found a Kronos campsite here in Central Park." Naruto grinned and went to the trunk of the car. He popped it open and a man cocooned in duct tape flailed fearfully. Naruto backhanded him. "Shut up! I'm busy. Now move your legs so I can get my stuff..."
Percy gasped. "There's someone in the trunk!?"
"How observant." Athena said dryly, getting a flustered look from the son of Poseidon.
"Duh, I told you the car wasn't mine." Naruto rolled his eyes as he pulled out a duffle bag.
What an idiot! Yami snickered.
"But we hit like ten pot holes!"
Ares snigger at that along with a few other gods.
"That's priceless." Hermes choked out.
Percy continued. "Is he a mortal!?"
"I know, right? And he's still alive! That's one hell of a padded trunk." Naruto praised as he slung his swords over his shoulder. He pulled out a red and black domino mask and a grey and black domino mask. He weighed each carefully in his hands. "I could go classic DP and get big fan-service points...or I could go black ops DP and get dark edgy points...Hm..."
"Quite the conundrum." Hades frowned, it was so hard to choose which was better.
You are wearing a red shirt. Kurama pointed out.
But Tasky likes grey! Yami added.
"And that always matters." Aphrodite nodded eagerly.
"Not to mention the grey is also very slimming..." Naruto hummed.
Percy gave Annabeth a look, "It's true." He smiled, getting a pretty smile from his girlfriend.
"What are you doing!? Get that guy out of the trunk!" Percy demanded.
Naruto snorted. "Yeah, so he can go call the cops? I think not."
"He'll suffocate!"
"I left his nose uncovered. He'll be fine!"
"It's true, he can last for a while." Nico pointed out.
Percy frowned, "That's not the point!"
Nico just shrugged.
"If you're not going to let him out, I will," Percy said.
Naruto looked up and scowled at the boy. "Wanna run that by me again?"
Yami growled. Oh, he done tried to get in our way!
That'll be one ass kicking, please. Kurama chuckled.
"No, other me, don't be stupid!" Percy cried out.
Thalia snorted, "Too late for that one, Wethead."
"Shut it, Pinecone Face."
"You can't keep a mortal in the trunk, he'll die!" Percy scowled.
Naruto's eyes turned purple. "You'd risk the camp for the safety of one guy? A no-named loser I carjacked?"
"Ah, clashing morals." Ares sighed, "Best way to start a fight."
"Perhaps in a less hostile debate." Athena noted.
"Bah! Screw words, I'd rather tango with a sword."
Apollo looked to Aphrodite, "I think you might have been replaced."
"Stuff it Sunhead!"
Percy pulled Riptide out of his pocket and his thumb edged around the cap. "It's not right!"
Naruto scoffed as he stood up and crossed his arms, both masks still in either hand. "Right. Wrong. Two words with very open meanings. What's right to him is wrong to you, and what's wrong to you is right to me! It's all about perspective."
"Deep." Leo nodded.
"Surprising," Piper admitted.
"My perspective tells me that leaving this guy taped up in a trunk is wrong!" Percy glared at the blond and his thumb slowly started to push Riptide's cap off.
Naruto pursed his lips and glared back at the boy. Then he moved. In a swift moment, the grey mask was over Percy's head. The boy was stunned and Naruto stepped back with a thumbs up and a smile on his face. "There, problem solved! You have a Deadpool mask on, morality is no longer an issue!"
"…Makes sense." Dionysus nodded.
"No it doesn't." Zeus shook his head.
"I think so." Leo admitted.
"That's because you're weird."
Leo glared at the smirking Jason.
"You can't just do that!" Percy yanked the mask off his head and uncapped Riptide. The bronze blade folded out and he pointed it at the blond. "Let. Him. Go."
"Hm, hm...Well, I seem to be at a disadvantage here..." Naruto stroked his chin thoughtfully. Then he shrugged. "All right, blubber boy, you win. I'll let him go. Don't say I never did anything nice for you."
"Such a good soul." Hestia smiled, at least the young man had some redeeming qualities.
Naruto reached into the trunk and pulled the man out. The duct tape was cut off and Naruto dusted the man's shoulders. "Again, really sorry about the whole car-jacking thing. I've learned my lesson and I'm going to turn myself in. You're free to go."
"Y-You're crazy! A mad man!" The man pushed Naruto away and began to run. "Help! Somebody! Help!"
"Way to go Jackson, totally ruined the mission." Ares chided, only to get the middle finger form Percy.
"...I guess this means I get to keep the car..." Naruto smiled.
Percy capped Riptide and crossed his arms. "See? Was that so-?"
A gunshot rang out and the man dropped dead. Percy gaped while Naruto burst into laughter.
"The look on your face!" He pointed at the son of Poseidon with a few tears in his eyes. "You thought he'd actually get away, after he saw us?"
Hestia paled, she took back what she said. That was horrible!
Hera patted her shoulder, "There there, sister."
"What-how-but?" Percy was at a loss for words. A scoff from the side had him turn and another blond with a bullseye tattooed over his eye walked out from the shadows.
"That was a complete waste of a bullet. And it's probably gotten the attention of the camp." The man stuffed a handgun into a blue bag and dropped it in the trashcan. "We've got at least twenty minutes before the cops show to clean up that mess."
"Ooh, time limits are fun," Ares smiled.
"Sadly you never make a deadline."
"Stuff it bird head." The war god told Athena with a glare. He had wonderful timing!
"Hey, but at least your target's been framed, huh? That'll help you find him," Naruto said with a grin.
Percy had Riptide out and was ready to fight. "Who are you, huh?"
"Ease off, fucktard. I've got no qualms about putting one right between those pretty green eyes," the older guy said with a sneer.
"Pst, I think he likes you." Frank whispered to Percy.
"I have that effect on people." The son of Poseidon nodded.
He pointed a thumb at himself. "Name's Lester. I'm with the psychopath."
"Always so nice to me!" Naruto grinned as he slung an arm over Lester's shoulder. "Leonidas, meet Prancer. Prancer, this is Leonardo."
"Like the artist?" Hermes gasped.
Apollo snorted, "No you nerd, like the ninja turtle!"
"Oh!"
Lester's eye twitched. "I'm going to kill you. One day. I won't tell you when. I won't tell you how-"
"You'll shoot me with a celestial bronze bullet that you carved my name into," Naruto said with a smile. He pinched Lester's cheek. "Such a romantic!"
"AH, the fighting, the blood, the gore!" Ares sighed, off in a daydream.
"He'll be out of it for a while." Aphrodite frowned.
Lester smacked Naruto's hand away and glared at him. "Don't touch me."
"Aw, I thought we bonded."
"Like an infection." Lester growled. He pulled on a black mask with a white bullseye over his right eye, where his tattoo was. "Now get ready. Toni got some planner from the camp to come help her take some info. We're on distraction duty."
Naruto clapped his hands eagerly. "Oh goodie! I get to unalive people!"
"Unalive people, still love that." Nico smirked, it had such a fun ring to it.
"Nico, no unaliving people." Hazel frowned.
"Aw…"
Percy stared at the two. "Wait, we're here to...to..."
"Kill people. Geez, boy scout much?" Lester asked with a snort.
"Oh come on, he's a hero! You know how they are," Naruto shrugged.
Anti-heroism is way more fun! Yami decreed.
Amen to that. Kurama said in agreement.
"So he's our little Captain America, huh?" Lester smirked.
"Too bad he keeps losing his shield." Annabeth giggled.
Percy gave a sheepish laugh at that.
Naruto snorted as he pulled his mask on. "That would imply that he's a veteran hero. No, he's more like my version of Bob, Agent of Hydra."
"Ah, the cowardly klutz?" Lester chuckled and looked Percy over with a hidden smirk. "I see it."
Percy scowled. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Yeah, jerk?" Percy demanded.
"It means, kid, that you haven't got the guts to do our type of work," Lester said condescendingly. He crossed his arms and huffed. "I'll bet you haven't actually killed anyone face to face before have you? Never saw the life leave their eyes. The blood on your hands that you find yourself dreaming about...drowning in..."
"How…poetic." Athena said dryly.
"I don't know," Apollo frowned, "It could use some work honestly."
"Whoa...that was deep," Naruto said with a mild blink.
"Yeah? I'm thinking of writing a poem for Brenda...Wait, why am I telling you this?! I never tell you any of this!"
"You were in the moment." Naruto shrugged. He grabbed the mask Percy had tossed to the ground and threw it back at the boy. "Put it on."
"Why should I?" Percy asked.
"Well for one, it protects your identity from mortal eyes." Lester listed.
"…We so need to invest in that!" Percy declared.
"You mean you do, Seaweed Brain." Annabeth pointed out.
"The media hates me." The son of Poseidon pouted.
"And for another thing, it keeps the blood off your face and hair." Naruto nodded. "Blood's a bitch to wash out of your hair."
"I love bathing in it."
"Ares, just, just stop." Zeus groaned, rubbing his face.
"No promises." The war god grinned.
Lester shuddered. "That time in Moscow."
"Oh, come on, that was fun! We never get to travel anymore. All the grown demigods are 'normal' people. So boring!"
"Nothing wrong with normal." Percy admitted, loving the fact that there was no world ending crises anymore. At least, for now…hopefully. Please?
"I like normal," Percy said as he pulled the mask on. "Ugh, this mask smells like Doritos."
"Yum," Frank smiled.
"Suck it up, weirdo." Naruto snorted. He drew his swords and grinned under his mask. "Time for a little murder..."
"Can you please not call it that?" Percy asked.
"Alright fine..." Naruto slouched with a mild glare. "Spoilsport. Let's go unalive some people!"
We need a battle cry. The Greeks have no battle cry! Yami huffed as Naruto charged forward towards the camp.
You could always yell...wait, no, forget that, don't you dare yell that! Kurama yelled.
"LEEROY JENKINS!" Naruto cried as he sliced the heads off of two sentries.
"Praise WoW, just please it for the most wonderful of people." Apollo praised Blizzard.
Ugh. Idiot. Kurama groaned.
No, that was genius! Yami argued.
Sirens went off around the camp and many rogue demigods rushed out with celestial weapons at the ready. Naruto danced around their weapons and cut them down while Lester picked them off from a distance. Percy, who just arrived stumbled back and covered his mouth as he saw an arm land in front of him.
"He's been-!"
"Leo, shut up." Piper said, using charmspeak.
Leo stayed quiet.
"Oh, man, I think I'm going to puke..." Percy said, his hand reached up for his mask.
"Don't bitch out," Lester said into the com-link that was in his ear. "Just ignore the smell. And whatever you do, don't follow Naruto."
"Uh, not much choice. They're all going after him," Percy said.
"Then whoever's left, just put out of their misery. Like this one." A shot put a nearby girl down for good. "R.I.P. bitch."
Artemis frowned at this, glaring at Apollo.
"Hey, she's an enemy, they tend to die."
Artemis conceded to that, but still didn't like it.
Percy winced and began to slowly make his way through the bodies. When he heard a groan, Percy looked down and found a boy around his age with his throat sliced and his right arm missing from the shoulder down. The boy gurgled and weakly reached out for him.
"Man...what happened to just fighting monsters? I could deal with fighting monsters..." Percy groaned and lifted Riptide up. He hesitated for a second before he looked away and brought the sword down.
"Jackson popped his cherry! Tough luck, Chase." Ares laughed.
Annabeth and Percy glared at him, despite their cheeks burning pink.
"Don't look away. You could miss and then I'd have to waste a bullet on your kill." Lester sneered as another shot rang off.
"Do you feel bad about killing them?" Percy asked angrily.
"No. They chose their life and unfortunately it put them against me. This is my job. I'm good at what I do. On your left, I got it."
A slowly rising demigod was put down as a bullet pierced his heart and he flopped to his back. Percy winced. He didn't ask for this.
"Look at that bounce." Ares whistled. Oh man, this was awesome!
"Heh, try to play dead and you soon become it.
"Boo." Nico jeered, lame!
...Hm, I can do better than that. Give me a second..."
"Is this a game to you?" Percy asked.
"Insert Saw reference." Apollo said.
He didn't get a reply. As he rounded the bend, he stopped behind a tent and watched Naruto put down kids his age and older, all the while he sang. It was the most disturbing thing Percy ever saw.
She had to get away. She had to run. The young demigoddess ducked behind a table in the head camp tent. Why did she leave camp? It wasn't so bad! She just wasn't claimed, was it really that bad?
Artemis' heart lurched, "The poor girl."
"Round and round the Mulberry Bush..."
"Make him go away, please make him go away!" The girl whimpered. She grabbed her dark hair and closed her eyes, begging the gods for forgiveness.
Zeus frowned as the other gods gave a few nods or thoughtful looks.
She heard the stories, but thought they were just stories. Scary stories to make kids like her scared.
"The monkey chased the wea-sel..."
"That's just, like, whatever that movie is, scary." Leo shivered, "That one with the little girl on the bike."
Her eyes clung shut and she whimpered. Please don't let him find her. Please, gods, generous and kind, don't let him find her!
"Hm...The monkey stopped and scratched his head..."
"She's boned," Ares grunted, getting a swat from Aphrodite, "Wha?"
"Not funny." The goddess frowned.
The sound of footsteps became distant and she waited with bated breath before she chanced a peek out from her hiding spot. She let out a breath she didn't know she was holding and ran from the tent for the woods. She chanced a look behind her. Nothing. She turned ahead and pumped her arms and legs faster. She was going to go back to camp, beg for forgiveness, anything to get away from this...this monster!
"Smart girl," Annabeth nodded.
She ran around a corner and ran through the trees. She didn't care that she didn't know who her parent was anymore. She didn't care that her dad didn't want her.
Piper frowned at that, was that how camp was before the war?
She just wanted to get away. Luke was crazy, she could see that now.
"Oh, right before she dies she sees it? Lame." Ares snorted, crossing his arms.
Who in their right mind would want to be on the wrong side of Naruto Uzumaki, let alone the gods!?
"He said there was no chance of being found," she said to herself with tears in her eyes. The others were dead because of the 'strategic' campsite. Because of Luke!
"All his fault…"
"Shut up, Ares." Hermes glared at his war brother, who grinned back at him.
She stopped by a tree and ducked behind it to catch her breath. She looked behind her, as more gunshots rang out and more screams followed. She sighed in relief. She was safe. He didn't follow her. She turned to run and two sharp things were shoved through her stomach. Blue orbs stared into crazed red.
"Pop goes the weasel!"
"He has no morals whatsoever!" Artemis shot up, glaring at the image with hate.
"Easy, Arte, easy!" Apollo cried out at his twins' seething anger.
Naruto watched the girl collapse after he cast a dream of paranoia on her with his madness abilities.
"You were saying?" Dionysus asked the huntress mockingly.
Artemis sat down, looking embarrassed.
He turned and stabbed an older boy through the stomach with a glare. "This girl's hardly a teenager...are you taking children from camp now?"
"They did talk over a lot of them." Percy frowned.
"Th-the Olympians didn't want her..." the boy gasped.
Naruto scowled under his mask and sliced his throat. "Maybe she just wasn't ready to be claimed!" He kicked the demigod down and watched him choke on his own blood with an angry glare. "And they call me crazy...I don't turn young kids against their parents."
"Like Luke."
"Ares, enough," Hestia frowned, making the war god zip it.
Naruto sheathed his swords and picked the girl up. He'd have to have his father get rid of that nightmare later...and make sure she's claimed. This kid needed a stable family.
Hestia nodded sternly to this.
He walked back to the center of camp and met up with Percy.
Percy's eyes landed on the girl in his arms. "I-Is she?"
"I'm not a child murderer! A teen unaliver, sure, but not a child murderer," Naruto hissed.
"Hm, so he does have morals." Dionysus said, glancing at Artemis.
The huntress just averted her eyes.
He adjusted his grip on the girl and scowled. "Once you hit fifteen, you're fair game. And most of these kids are that age. She's barely eleven at most."
Percy looked at her carefully. "Wait, I know her...her name's Lacy. She was in Hermes' cabin last year."
"Lacy?!" Piper gasped.
"Oops." Aphrodite muttered.
"Mom!"
"I said oops!"
"Seems a few runaways took her along." Lester walked up and lifted his mask. He winced at the cringes on her face. "Yeesh, what'd you do to her?"
"Gave her a few nightmares." Naruto frowned. He put a hand on her forehead. A moment later and peace covered her face. "And now they're gone."
"Aren't you sweet?" Lester smirked.
Naruto pulled his mask off and grinned. "Just a lovable teddy bear!"
"With razorblades." Percy added.
He handed the girl over to Percy. "Here, hold this."
"What, why?"
"Because we're not al-ugh!" Naruto flew to the side with an arrow in his head.
Lester turned to where the arrow was shot and put a hole between the archer's head. "He's down."
"He's dead!" Percy began to freak out. "He's dead! Holy-I mean, wow! He just! Gone!"
"Wow, Percy," Nico sniggered, "Just, you're reaction!" he laughed out.
"Shut up, I don't know he has healing!" Percy protested.
"Yeah, horrible, isn't it? Listen, I'll go put sleeping cutie in the car and you wait for Toni and her partner to show up," Lester said as he took Lacy from the shell shocked Percy.
"Yes, good boy." Aphrodite nodded, still worried over her baby girl.
Percy watched the older blond walk away. "Wait, but, he's...How...You're just going to walk away?!"
"He don't give no shits." Ares smirked.
"Like boss." Apollo added.
"Yeah! You have fun showing that to Toni!" Lester called back over his shoulder.
Percy gaped and stuttered for a moment. He looked back at Naruto's body and gulped. Sure, he wasn't Naruto's number one fan, but that didn't mean he wanted the blond to die! And Percy really didn't have an idea of what to do. He wished Annabeth were here. She'd know what to do.
"Dig a shallow grave?" Annabeth suggested with a smile.
"Dark." Hazel stated.
"Percy?"
Yeah, she'd sound just as surprised as that...Wait. Percy looked up and fumbled for words as Annabeth ran towards him. The daughter of Athena came to a stop near him and grabbed his shoulders.
"What are you doing here? Are you okay? You've got blood on your shirt..." Annabeth frowned as she looked him over.
"Luckily, it's not his own." Frank stated.
"Those are just the worse." Jason frowned.
"A-Annabeth? Wh-what? How?" Percy was so ready to check out for the next week. He just wanted to lay down in bed and sleep.
"Mr. D sent me on a mission with the last counselor of my cabin," Annabeth said with a displeased grunt. "We've never really gotten along..."
"That's surprising." Athena frowned, wondering why.
"Uh-huh..." Percy nodded dumbly.
"What are you doing here? Wait, Percy...were you...were you part of the distraction?" Annabeth asked lowly.
Percy just nodded again.
Annabeth sympathized with him and gave him a light hug that he returned. "You okay?"
"Hugs make everything better." Percy nodded.
"I just...I couldn't save him...he just...dropped and..."
Annabeth pulled back with a frown. "Who?"
Percy looked down at the body. Annabeth followed his gaze and then gasped. "Oh gods! Is that?"
"Yeah."
"He's...?"
"Yeah."
"...I...We need to get his body out of here," Annabeth said finally. "He should be burned at camp...for Pollux..."
"At least pull the arrow out." Nico said innocently.
"Ha. Ha." Annabeth told him dryly.
"R-Right, but I have to explain it to-"
"Later, we need to get the body moved." Annabeth swallowed heavily and went over to his legs. She looked back at Percy. "Well? Come on Seaweed Brain."
"Er, right." Percy walked over and picked up Naruto under the shoulders. His head lulled back and what sounded like a grunt escaped his lips. "Did you hear that?"
"Save me," Apollo said in a tiny voice.
"It's just a death rattle...a sound the body makes as air escapes it," Annabeth said softly as she carried his legs. "Geez, he's heavy."
"Yeah, but at least he's not fat."
"...Percy, muscle is heavier than fat."
"...Oh."
"Those Biology classes are going to be tough, huh?" Piper asked Percy, getting a dull glare from him.
They carried the body awkwardly until they reached the edge of the camp. They set him down to get a break. As they did, Lester walked back up with a smirk on his face.
"Hey, kid, good news! Apparently someone up there heard little Lacy's prayer and sent a couple of expert Satyrs out to retrieve her," he said.
Aphrodite was all smiles at that.
He then nodded at Annabeth. "Who's the mini-Toni?"
That got a few snickers.
"It's usually mini-Athena." Percy muttered with a grin.
Annabeth pouted at him.
"Annabeth Chase, counselor of cabin six," Annabeth said with a mild frown.
Lester nodded. "Nice to meet you. Lester. Why'd you carry Naruto all the way over here?"
"We need to return his body to camp," Percy said.
Lester blinked. "Wait, he still hasn't gotten up yet?"
"He's dead." The two younger demigods deadpanned.
"Wrong." Said the readers in a united deadpan.
Lester hummed and pointed at the figure just a few feet away. "What do you call that then?"
Annabeth and Percy turned to see Naruto amble away with a funky limp due to the arrow in his head. "DHuuruhhah!"
Mostly everyone pointed and laughed at the scene, it was hilarious!
Dionysus rubbed his beard, "Hm, reminds me of this hangover I once saw…then he got hit by an eighteen wheeler."
"Pleasant." Hera frowned at him.
"Oh my gods!" Annabeth cried.
"What the hell!?" Percy was so shocked he couldn't help but swear to demonstrate it.
"Hell is a swear?" Leo blinked in surprise.
"For Percy it is."
"Oh!"
Percy glared at Nico and Leo.
Lester, however, just laughed. "Wow, look at him go! I'm so proud of him." He cupped his hands around his mouth and cried out. "Fly, you beautiful bird! FLY!"
"Just fly like an eagle~" Apollo sang, but stopped at the stern look Artemis gave him, "You are seriously not fun."
"DHUURHHHURURH!" Naruto ambled around and started to walk back towards them.
Lester burst into more laughter. "Oh, gods help me, I can't take it! He looks so stupid!"
"Who looks so stupid?" The three demigods turned as Toni walked up, decked out in her 'mission' gear with her grey hood down. She looked past them and saw Naruto amble towards them. She glared at Lester. "You didn't take the arrow out of his head!?"
"I just got back from taking care of some god's underage kid, sue me for leaving him with two green demigods." the two in question let out an affronted 'hey' "Besides, you have to admit, that is the funniest fucking thing you've ever seen."
"Oh, big time!" Ares said, still bellowing and holding his gut.
"No. This is the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen." A knife suddenly buried itself in Lester's knee. The sharpshooter collapsed to the ground and grabbed at the joint.
"Fuck! You crazy bitch, that was my knee!"
"I know. Same spot the other knife went into. Funny, right?" Toni smirked and walked over to Naruto.
"Such accuracy."
Apollo glared at the smirking Athena.
She snapped off the arrowhead and grabbed Naruto's head. "This is going to hurt, but you'll thank me later."
Annabeth and Percy turned green as Toni pulled the arrow out of his head slowly. She had to twist and pull simultaneously, and the whole process took about five minutes. Finally, it was done and Naruto had collapsed forward into Toni. A minute or so later and the deranged demigod groaned.
"Ugh...my head hurts..." Naruto's eyes squeezed shut. He hummed and nuzzled into Toni's chest with a grin.
"A boy after my own heart," the lady of doves tittered.
"Such an advantageous position." Leo mock gasped.
"You must capitalize when you can." Frank noted, making Leo nod.
"Hey Tasky! Have fun while I was out?" A smack knocked Naruto to the ground and he whined as he rubbed the side of his head. "Ow, I just finished healing that!"
"I saw your hand reaching up," Toni said dryly.
Naruto pouted. "Damn, my ninja skillz failed me."
"If only he as a true ninja." Piper said in a wistful tone.
Toni scoffed. "What skills?"
Naruto pouted at her. "You're so cruel."
Yeah, but that's what we love about her. Side note, we're not done healing yet. Kurama informed.
"I'm not done healing yet?" Naruto furrowed his brows in confusion. "And where's Yami?"
Yami, or what sounded like Yami, decided to speak up. Ygurashmigjsdfoehfjeusndu...
"Ah, stupid talk." Artemis said, "I have not heard this in a long time." She said, looking at pollo.
"Hey!"
"What the hell was that!?" Naruto asked, alarmed. He ignored the concerned looks given to him.
Yami.
Delicate flower. Bends under bumblebee's weight. POISON DART TO NECK!
"…That. Was. Awesome." Apollo awed.
Naruto blinked and then gained a look of horror. "Was that a Haiku!?"
Yes, and a rather interesting ninja one, too. Kurama hummed. I don't think it was that good though.
Naruto turned to Toni and grabbed her hands. "Toni, love of my life. Stars in my night sky. Thief of my heart. I need you to do something for me."
"Have wild passionate sex with me, here and now!"
"Aphrodite!" the women of Olympus cried out at the giggle love goddess.
Toni, a light dusting of pink across her cheeks, blinked. "What?"
"Still, it seems even Athena's sternest girls can get a melted heart."
Athena just glared at the love goddess.
"Kill me." Naruto bluntly stated. "I've got a voice repeating Haikus in my head."
"Hey!" Apollo cried out.
"I agree with him," Artemis nodded.
Icy dust of snow. Flows as water into path. BLINDING KICK TO NOSE! Yami recited.
"That's a good one," Poseidon commented.
Meh, still not that good. Kurama criticized.
"Hurry!" Naruto pleaded with a whimper.
Toni pulled her hands away. "If it'll keep you in check, I think I might just let you live."
Naruto gaped at her. "You cruel woman! It's Haikus! Haikus!"
"Best way to handle them," Annabeth smirked.
"Dude, evil." Leo shivered.
"I'll kill him." Lester offered with a grin from where he tended to his reopened knee wound.
"Do it!"
"You're not killing him," Toni said with a glare.
Lester scowled and went back to his knee. "Bitch..."
"Cruel, beautiful bitch..." Naruto cried.
Toni smirked and pinched his cheek. "You know you love it."
Hermes and Apollo wolf whistled.
Point to her. Kurama chuckled.
"Okay, seriously, can I go home now?" Percy asked, though it sounded more like a plea. His request had all eyes turn to him and he fidgeted slightly. A light flush crossed his face when Toni walked over to him.
Annabeth gave Percy a small look, making him give a sheepish one back.
She was gorgeous, like an older version of Annabeth. That thought made his blush darken.
"Oho! Envisioning the future, Percy Jackson?" Aphrodite asked, getting Percy to get red faced.
Annabeth seemed pleased by this as Toni was amazingly attractive.
The cold steel eyes that examined him like he was an ant were a bit much for him, though.
Toni arched a brow. "This is the famous Percy Jackson?"
"He's famous?" Lester asked in disbelief.
Percy frowned at that.
"He does have his own book series owned by Disney Hyperion publishing," Naruto said, though his comment was ignored.
"No one owns me!"
"Except Annabeth." Jason innocently said.
"Dude!"
Toni scrutinized him for another minute before she snorted. "Idiot."
"Such a good girl." Athena smiled as Poseidon scowled at his rival.
"Hey!" Annabeth spoke up before Percy could. "What gives you the right to call him that?"
Toni began to list things off with her fingers. "He has no set fighting style, which for him isn't that great considering he's the supposed child of prophecy. Little training with his sword while the rest is instinctual, admittedly not horrible, but more strategy in swordplay never hurt anyone. His fatal flaw could end the world – Don't ask, I read the briefings."
"…Ow." Percy winced, his pride took a blow to that one.
Annabeth patted his shoulder reassuringly.
"Briefings?" Naruto asked.
Toni rolled her eyes. "Athena has set files for every demigod just in case one turns out like another Ripper."
"Ah, to cover for her mistakes, right?" Lester asked. Toni and Annabeth glared at him and he smirked. "Truth hurts."
"Damn right," Apollo chuckled as Athena glared at him.
"So does a knife in the ball sack." Toni retorted. Lester's smirk left his face. Toni looked back at Annabeth. "Anyway, his school records are absolute shit. Even compared to normal demigods. His luck is so bad it's like Tyche never bothered to look his name up."
"She has a point," Percy admitted, scratching the back of his head. Seriously, he'd never met the goddess, ever.
Toni crossed her arms under her chest. "In short, Percy Jackson is a complete idiot."
Annabeth scowled at her and pointed at Naruto. "And what's he, the next Einstein?"
Naruto was to slamming his head repeatedly into a tree. "Stop! The! Poe-try! Make! It! End!"
"That is a compelling argument," Hera begrudgingly admitted to agree with Annabeth.
"He's crazy, he doesn't count," Toni said with a shrug.
"Very true," Dionysus nodded.
She arched a brow at Annabeth's scowl. "You're really tense, have you thought about...?"
Annabeth's face bloomed red, "What?" she squeaked.
Annabeth glared at her with red cheeks. "Shut it, Toni!"
"You have...but you've never made a move?" Toni tilted her head when Annabeth's scowl became more profound. "Oh, you have.
Piper whistled, "Wow, Annabeth. You go girl."
"Shut up, Piper!"
So he is an idiot."
"Shut up, Toni!" Annabeth growled.
"Someone sounds frustrated." Leo grinned, getting a glare from Annabeth.
Percy looked between the two. "Did I miss something?"
Everyone in the room laughed at that while Percy ducked his head, Annabeth joining him as their faces were red.
Toni just smirked. "And that proves my point."
Thalia wiped a tear from her eye, "Too true."
Annabeth just glared at Thalia.
"It's finally over, let it stay over." Percy begged under his breath.
"I think the universe hates you, man." Jason told him.
Percy just gave a defeated nod.
It was true.
And that's the last bit of SOM for now, sad right? Well, enjoy!