It was impossible to find something to wear for a non-date. Loki decided this while trying on the tenth dark sweater he owned and then ripping it off in frustration. The pile on his bed was getting larger by the minute. Nothing looked right or clean enough or fit correctly and it was starting to piss him the fuck off. He also second guessed himself for only owning dark colored clothing and wondered why that was. Maybe it had something to do with his personality, and was the reason that he could count the number of friends that he had easily on both hands.

"It's not even a date... thank you dinner... that's it. She wants to thank you. What the fuck are you talking about? Stupid... so stupid..." He mumbled to himself and pulled out another sweater from the drawer.

All of it was in his head most likely, but that didn't change the fact that this girl that he barely knew was already ruining his night, and for all intensive purposes his life. He sighed deeply, knowing that if anyone was going to ruin it, he wanted it to be her. Shit, that sounded horrible.

He settled on a dark gray sweater, jeans, and tried to make his unkempt hair slightly presentable. At least she liked tattoos. One less thing to worry about.

But that didn't matter. Because this. was. not. a. date.

Of course, when she came out of her apartment, he was yet again flabbergasted by her beauty. She was like an angel. That word sounded insane and borderline stalkerish, but it's the only one that came to his mind that night when Marian opened the door and stepped out into the dim light. She was like this perfect, untouched thing that he wanted to fiercely protect for the rest of his life. The foreign feeling caused a twinge of fear to run through his body for a few seconds. He'd never felt this for anyone.

A small, singular part of him wanted to tell her this was a huge mistake. That someone like her shouldn't be sharing a meal with someone like him. Damaged and used to being alone, because trusting people wasn't an option. People always leave.

Just a thank you. Not a date. He had to keep reminding himself of that. Knowing himself as well as he did, tonight was probably the last time he would see her.

"You look great." He finally said as they walked to his car.

She smiled shyly at the ground, glancing up at him. "So do you."

They discussed where they wanted to go on the way into town, which surprised him. She seemed like a girl who planned things beforehand. But Marian couldn't decide and didn't want to assume he would eat anything. The compromise was a small italian place on the corner of eighth street.

Watching her look through the menu, weighing the pros and cons of each dish in her head distracted Loki to the point of madness. He hadn't looked at his own menu once.

"I've never been here before. But my friend from work said it's pretty good." Marian said, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

She had obviously caught him staring. Strike one.

"I usually just microwave." Loki laughed. "So, that's literally all I have to compare any other food too."

"Are you saying this is your first time in a restaurant?"

He looked back at her blankly, trying to think of a witty response.

"Oh, God." Marian hid her head in her hands and peeked out at him, embarrassed. "That was mean. Of course it's not. You just have a job that leaves you no time to have a decent meal."

"No, no- that's- you're funny." Loki corrected her. And that was surprising too. Jesus, was there some terrible flaw that he was missing completely or was there really nothing wrong with her? "Funny is good."

She nodded, pleased.

They ordered drinks and he noticed the fading cuts and bruises on her forehead through the light makeup on her face.

Coward FUCK.

He wished he could growl the phrase from deep in his throat.

Loki motioned to his own forehead. "How's that healing up?"

It took Marian a moment to realize what he was talking about. She seemed removed from the injuries in some way. "Oh, fine. I'm not in any pain or anything." She said confidently and took a long sip from her wine glass. "The doctor said it shouldn't scar, but I'm going back in three or four weeks to make sure." Her eyes lowered to the table cloth and her voice was low. "Just wish I could sleep. It's been... hard... the past week or so. I had to take off work."

"Nightmares?" Loki questioned.

She nodded.

"That's normal after what you went through." He ran a hand through his hair, thinking about how many times the chief sent him to the shrink every time he pulled his gun. It was a running joke among all the cops in the precinct. It wasn't like they didn't know going in that they'd maybe have to use their firearm. "Maybe you could, uh, talk to someone? That might help. You said your mother was a psychiatrist."

"I did?" Marian asked, surprised, and then remembered she told him at the mall that day out of nervousness. "I did didn't I. Good memory."

He tapped his temple. "All up here. Selective sometimes though."

"She actually referred me to a few of her colleagues, but I don't know. I started thinking about, asking myself, if I really believed in it. Growing up it was just my mother's job and I never asked myself that question. Sitting down with a person who doesn't know you, unloading all your problems onto them, and putting all this faith in them." Marian breathed and shrugged her tiny shoulders. "Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it doesn't seem like a realistic solution."

"Wouldn't hurt to try." Loki said just as the waiter came over to take their orders. He continued when he left. "If it doesn't work, no harm no foul."

"Maybe." She muttered, deep in thought. "But I'm sure you know. I mean, because of your job. Must be difficult to do what you do and not be affected. Seeing those kinds of things everyday."

Loki shrugged lightly, playing it off. He really was immune to it all by now. "Gets to the point where it's all pretty normal. Good chance I'll make detective early next year, so I'd better be used to it."

"When do you take the exam?"

"January."

Marian was quiet for a moment and asked, "Is that what you want?"

"What I've been working for, yeah." Loki nodded. "Missing persons. Kids."

Thankfully for him, the conversation quickly deviated to easier topics like who had the worst apartment complex stories, favorite music, movies, family members. He was wrong about the small town. She was actually from the area. But the lots of siblings he got right. Only she was in the middle, not the youngest.

"Mine are both dead. I think my Dad is any way. He left when I was three or four and I never saw him." Loki explained when she asked him. The look on her face told him she wished she didn't though. "After she died, I was in children's homes. Foster care. It sucked, but I got out when I was eighteen. Learned a lot about people. How the world works."

"Sorry, I-"

"Don't apologize. It is what it is."

By the time he looked at his phone it was already after eleven and his face dropped. He didn't want to leave. There was still so much he wanted to know about her. "How was the alfredo?" He asked, hoping to prolong the conversation.

"Amazing. How was your... chicken thing." She laughed with him. "Whatever it was."

"My chicken thing that I also don't know the term for was also amazing."

"I can thank my co-worker Maggie then." Marian said, letting the waiter take her plate. "Good with restaurant suggestions, bad with choosing boyfriends."

Loki made a face. "That bad?"

"Absolute worst."

He was relieved when Marian launched into the long version of her co-worker's romantic escapades. Now they'd be able to spend more time together. In the middle of the story, his laughter subsided when he noticed she was staring across the restaurant worriedly. Her eyes darkened and she was already halfway out of her seat after excusing herself to the restrooms.

Ten minutes went by and she still wasn't back. Concerned, Loki poked his head inside the ladies room, checked the hallways, and scanned the restaurant. "Have you seen a girl, late-20's with dark hair, pretty face near the bathrooms?"

The young hostess shook her head and glanced around. "I think I saw a girl who looked like that go outside a few minutes ago actually. Maybe that was her?"

Sure enough he found Marian sitting on the wooden bench outside of the entrance. She was shaken, trying to catch her breath, and from the way things looked close to hyperventilating.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey." Loki sat beside her and instinctively scanned her body for any injuries. Not that much could happen to her in a crowded restaurant. When she didn't respond or even look at him, he crouched down in front of her and held her face between his hands. "Marian." He said sternly, trying to get her attention.

Her breathing slowed and she slowly came back.

"Marian." He repeated in a low tone. The questions poured out of him unconsciously. "You alright... are you hurt... what happened?"

"I'm-" She started, but just continued to stare back at him silently. A worried look in her eyes. Then cop mode kicked in like a tick and his tone became serious. "Did someone hurt you?"

She wiped a stray tear from her cheek and her head lowered. "This is so embarrassing." she choked out, "I don't know why this is happening. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I should have never come out tonight."

"Oh." Loki said, realizing this whole outburst might have been because of him.

"No, John, I-" She told him quickly, assessing the terrified look on his face. "It has nothing to do with you. It's me. It's all me."

Loki rubbed his temples to try and make sense of all this. "Do you, uh, want me to call someone for you?" He asked, moving to sit beside her again.

"No. I just need to- I don't know." She trailed off, taking a few deep breaths.

"Can I asked what happened?" He asked her cautiously.

"Me." She told him in a frustrated tone. "I happened. Just me being completely in my own head. I should get over this. I need to get over this. It's infantile, you know? I feel like this weak, pathetic sobbing girl all the time and it fucking sucks."

He chuckled at how adorable her face looked when she cursed. Which is not what he should have been focused on, but it didn't make it any less true. He reached for her, pushing her chin up to meet his eyes. Again, cautiously. She seemed very delicate to him and he took that seriously. "Give yourself some time. It's been - what - not even a week? Six days. I've seen people stay wrapped up in this shit for years on end. The world's not always a good place. Mostly not a good place."

Maybe he shouldn't have said that.

"I never thought about the world that way until recently." She agreed. "Don't know what to do with that."

"Kick its ass. Move on. Don't let the fear run your life."

She smiled at him and he lost his ability to proceed with a normal train of thought. "You are so an idealist underneath."

"I try."

She roughly wiped the rest of her tears away. "Bet this is the least interesting date you've ever been on."

"This is a date?" He asked, eyebrows raised, but in the back of his mind he was pleased. "Thought you were just buying me dinner."

"Oh, no-" She tried to backtrack, but nothing she could say would erase what had been said.

"Marian, I'm fucking with you." She was laughing now, which was a good sign. "Sorry that was mean."

"I think I deserve mean after freaking out in a crowded restaurant for no reason. He just looked so much like him. I saw him from across the room and couldn't believe it. My heart rate went crazy."

"Wait. Him?" Loki asked, confused.

"A guy in there sitting with some woman. He looked like... you know... him."

Loki stood up a little to peer into the restaurant and easily spotted the man she was talking about. He had about ten years and twenty-five pounds on Carl Hobbs, the carjacker, but there was some resemblance.

"You're safe." He told her, lowering to the bench. "Not him."

"Obviously seeing as though he's in jail." Marian countered, rolling her eyes at her own stupidity.

Logical thinking left him once again and he moved his hand over to stoke his thumb over her knuckles. "Want to wait 'till he's done eating? If you keep the car running, I'd be happy to kick the crap out of him for you."

"For looking like a criminal." She joked and realized she didn't mind his hand being on top of her own. "No. But thanks."

"I do feel used, by the way. Never been tricked into a date before."

She put a hand on her forehead. "I really just wanted to buy you dinner to say-"

"-thank you." He finished for her. "I know. That's what they all say. But I'm easy, so..."

She playfully kicked at his leg. Loki offered to crash on her couch for a couple of nights so she would be able to sleep, but she declined, embarrassed beyond belief that he would even suggest it. She also promised to call if desperation took over.

It didn't.

The calls came every so often after one of the nightmares. Marian started to see one of the colleagues of her mother's once a week, but they still came back sometimes. He'd talk to her until she fell back asleep and then think about her so much that he couldn't get back to sleep.

Then the calls became less frequent in regards to the nightmares, but they started calling each other in general and went out casually on weekends. After the third time, Loki started to call the outings dates and Marian didn't correct him.

He kissed her outside of a movie theater after the fourth date and realized he'd never felt more like himself.