Chapter Three
Tony had calmed down fractionally after making the drive home. Driving always soothed his chaotic thoughts, there was no question about it. It was one of the reasons he cared so much about his car, because inanimate object or not, his baby had always been good to him.
He took the steps once he entered his building, not even bothering to check if the elevator was finally working. Keying into his apartment, he kicked his shoes off by the door and emptied his pockets of his wallet, keys and cell, dropping them all in the bowl on the table. He shouldered his duffle and backpack as he walked the hallway to his bedroom, dropping it on the floor to be dealt with later. The fading scent of lemon in the air told of a fairly recent visit by his cleaning lady, and he unconsciously worked not to leave a trail of clothing behind him, memories of Rosa, his parent's maid, and her good-natured grumbling during his childhood darting through his mind.
He changed quickly, donning sweats and a faded grey Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt, opting to remain barefoot. He tossed his clothes in the hamper and made his way out to the kitchen. Ordering a pizza, more for something to do than out of any real desire to eat, he dropped onto the couch, grabbing the remote and propping his feet up on the coffee table. He flipped through the channels without paying too much attention, settling on a movie he'd seen multiple times and could probably quote by heart.
He knew better than to try and process any of what he was feeling tonight. He was running on far too few hours of sleep to be able to give any justice to decision-making. Time onboard the carrier was spent in eighteen-hour days and nights of fitful sleep as the noise remained at a nearly deafening level. He was doing his best to shut down his thoughts until morning, even though they were attempting to break through the barriers he was erecting.
The sad part was that it didn't even really surprise him that Gibbs hadn't said anything positive to him during this case. It wasn't like he'd really done all that much to contribute anyway. Getting a compliment from Gibbs was kind of like winning the Daytona 500 – a lot of racing to get there, and it usually felt like you were just going in circles. Tony knew that Gibbs only gave him a verbal pat on the back when he'd done something truly stellar. Nothing he'd done on this last case had filled the bill for that, and he could accept that.
When the knock came on the door, he seriously thought about ignoring it. It was too soon for the pizza delivery, and he just didn't have the energy to deal with Abby right now. She'd already texted him five times since he left the office. Hearing the beep on his cell, he amended that number to six. He knew he should text her back or she'd never let up. More than likely she was already at his doorstep, and as much as he wanted to be alone right now, he couldn't do that to Abby. He dragged himself to his feet and shuffled towards the door, pulling it open, ready to gently but firmly plead with his best friend to give him the night to mull things over before she tried pulling apart his brain.
Opening the door to see his boss standing there was the last thing he expected.
~0~
Gibbs swore as he whipped his vehicle around the driver directly in front of him. He couldn't believe the idiots they'd give a license to these days. He swerved back into the lane and pressed his foot further down on the accelerator, seeing the sign for DiNozzo's exit just ahead.
He didn't need this right now. He honestly hadn't seen DiNozzo there when he'd been handing out compliments. By the time Gibbs had noticed Tony's presence, the moment had passed. To give him an 'atta-boy' at that point would have been meaningless – something done just because it was expected after complimenting the others. And truthfully, he didn't want to compliment Tony as an afterthought. Tony deserved more than that.
But while he was being truthful with himself, he'd have to admit that the way the younger man had stalked out of the bullpen had pissed him off. It only seemed to prove to Gibbs what he had expected all along – that DiNozzo's warranty was up; that he was over his expiration date. The two-year curse Tony had been under hadn't been broken after all.
Damn it. That wasn't the way things were supposed to happen. Gibbs had come to expect more from Tony. He'd come to expect that Tony would always be on his six. That the younger man had what it took to stand up to him and come back for more. That whatever friendship they'd managed to carve out was enough to keep his Senior Field Agent from moving on. That working with him was enough to settle Tony's pervasive case of wanderlust. They fit, in a way that Gibbs hadn't experienced with anyone he'd worked with before.
Finding out he'd been wrong about Tony being able to stick it out hurt. Though it seemed it wasn't the lack of a 'Good job, DiNozzo' that had been the final straw, and that disturbed him even more. Tony had already had that phone number pulled up on his screen before Gibbs even came back to the bullpen. Which meant that he'd already been planning his move. Apparently Tony couldn't cut it when faced with the realization that someone else might have been just as good at his job as he was.
Except Gibbs knew the truth. In the five years he'd worked under Gibbs, Stan Burley hadn't come anywhere close to being the agent Anthony DiNozzo already was.
Gibbs sighed, torn between anger and disappointment. As much as he hated to admit it, Kate and Abby had been right. He had been pushing all of Tony's buttons. He knew DiNozzo battled insecurity, but that hadn't stopped him from constantly comparing the two agents in a way that probably left no doubt in Tony's mind that he came up wanting. He knew it was a lousy thing to do, but it was still the only thing he could think of to challenge Tony enough to the point where the younger man would be forced to choose whether or not he was in this for the long haul.
He pulled into an empty space in the lot of Tony's building, following an older woman as she used her key to enter the lobby. He took the stairs, not even sure if the elevator was working and not interested in waiting long enough for it to come.
He knocked on the apartment door, resisting the urge to give in to pounding it only in deference to Tony's neighbors. He waited, his patience already almost gone, though it wasn't long before he heard shuffling noises within. When DiNozzo opened the door, Gibbs shouldered past him, not waiting for an invitation that might not come, his long coat billowing behind him like a cape. He turned on the younger man the moment he was inside.
Tony narrowed his eyes at the same time he raised his eyebrow, giving a look that would have put dread into any suspect they had in interrogation, but Gibbs looked steadily back without blinking, neither of them saying anything.
Tony caved first, as they both knew he would, and asked the only thing he could think of that would bring Gibbs to his apartment.
"We get another case?"
Gibbs rolled his eyes, not even bothering to answer. His emotions were churning, the anger and disappointment, and yes, even hurt he felt over Tony's abandoning them warring for control. As usual, he focused on the anger. It was always his safest choice. He glared at the younger man and said the first thing that popped into his mind.
"You got another job lined up, or are you just planning to wing it? Maybe touch base with Daddy and see if you can skate on his coat tails for a bit?"
Tony's overly tired brain tried its best to comprehend the question he was being asked, but for the life of him, he couldn't. He filtered out the part about his father without even acknowledging it as he worked to process the rest. No matter how he tried to make it fit, there was only one conclusion he could come to, and it hurt like hell.
"You're firing me?" His voice rose as his disbelief increased. "You're firing me? You son-of-a-bitch!" he yelled. "What the hell for?" Tony turned, moving deeper into the apartment where he paced in frustration, running a hand repeatedly through his hair. "Let me guess – gross incompetence, right? You finally had enough of me screwing up all the time? Got sick and tired of trying to make due with an agent who couldn't carry his own weight, never mind be responsible for any other team members? Because really, let's face it, we both knew the likelihood of a street cop with a Phys. Ed. Degree becoming a decent federal agent was pretty dim to begin with.
"I mean, you already put up with me for two years. Not like I could expect anything else. Hell, my chief in Philly couldn't even manage eighteen months before he tossed my worthless ass out on the streets." Tony kept pacing, constantly moving, anything to keep from concentrating on the feeling that was growing in his chest, the pressure, but, God, it hurt. He should have known. He had known. He'd known it wouldn't last, but he had hoped to get the chance to move on himself before the other shoe dropped, before Gibbs finally bought a clue about the real Anthony DiNozzo Junior. But he'd left it too late, and now Gibbs was kicking him out. Just like everyone else in his life who had ever mattered. Just like . . .
His mind clamped down on the thought of his father, refusing to allow it to exist out of a hopeless sense of self-preservation, and Tony went back on the defensive again. "So what happened? Did Burley decide he wants his old desk back? And hey, why the hell would you put up with a cheap imitation like me when you could have the real deal? Not like I blame you. Not like –"
"HEY!" The single word was barked out with enough force to stop a freight train, and it had just the effect Gibbs desired. He had watched in mild astonishment as Tony nearly self-destructed in front of him, the words spewing from his mouth filled with self-loathing, and in that moment, Gibbs had truly hated himself for driving his agent to this state. Abby had been right; his plan had been stupid. He knew DiNozzo well enough to know that the younger man's insecurities would be running rampant when faced with the reality of Burley, but he had ignored that fact in favor of his own need to know for certain if Tony was around to stay. So he'd pushed, but all he'd succeeded in doing was pushing him away. He had to fix this, and he had to fix it now. He took a deep breath, gathering his thoughts in the ensuring silence, and decided to start with the obvious first.
"You're not being fired." The statement was quiet, and he held Tony's eyes, willing the words to sink in past the state the other man was in at the moment. He saw the moment they did, watched the anger and disappointment DiNozzo was feeling in himself as it was replaced with confusion and uncertainty.
"But . . . you said . . ."
"I asked if you had another job lined up. I never said I was firing you," Gibbs clarified.
Tony obviously didn't see it any differently. "I don't understand."
"I wasn't firing you, DiNozzo," Gibbs stated again, a touch of exasperation in his voice, "I was asking you if you were quitting."
"Oh."
Gibbs gut twisted when Tony offered nothing more, made no attempt to immediately laugh it off and say, 'of course not, Gibbs why the hell would I be quitting?' He waiting, hoping the other man would offer the reassurance he needed, knowing it wasn't going to happen unless he posed the question directly to him. He bit down on his reluctance and gave voice to his thoughts.
"So, are you?"
The question hung out there, and Tony dropped his eyes. He didn't want to be faced with this choice right now, not when he knew he was in no shape to deal with it, but this was it. This was his chance to make a clean break of it, to leave before he got left. Just because Gibbs wasn't firing him now didn't mean he wouldn't some time in the future. It would be easiest to do it now, he told himself, to just leave before he got himself in any deeper. It would hurt less to be the one making the break.
Trouble was he didn't want to. That realization took him by surprise, and for a moment he felt like he'd been gut-punched. What he really, really wanted was to stay. NCIS had become home to him, something he hadn't had in a long time. And Gibbs, Abby, Ducky, even Kate – they had become the family he'd never really had. He'd never felt like that in any of the previous jobs he'd held. He didn't want to leave that. But still, he had to know, had to understand where Gibbs stood. Because if the past few days had been any sort of example, maybe he didn't have much left to hold on to.
"What about Burley?" he asked, his tone far more serious than he would have liked.
"Burley?" Gibbs questioned. "What the hell does he have to do with whether or not you're leaving?"
Tony mentally rolled his eyes. Only Gibbs could be that obtuse. Burley had everything to do with it. "He wants his old job back, right?"
"Who the hell cares what Burley wants? The position's filled," he stated with conviction.
Tony looked at Gibbs in amazement. "But it's Burley! The guy who can do no wrong! You telling me that if he said he wanted his old job back, you wouldn't give it to him?"
"Burley is a schmuck," Gibbs stated, as if that were obvious.
Tony felt his jaw drop. "Say that again?"
Gibbs shook his head silently, unwilling to comply. "You ever known me to repeat myself?"
"Not usually, no." Tony fell silent as he pondered the revelation. "He's a schmuck?" He looked to Gibbs for confirmation. Though the older man said nothing, Tony could see the truth in his face. "Then, why?"
Gibbs bit back a sigh. "Why what?"
Tony rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, trying not to feel embarrassed about his uncertainty. Maybe it had all been in his head. But Kate had seen it too. Even Burley had been trying to boost his spirits at the end. It sure as hell had seemed like Gibbs had been comparing the two of them over the past few days, but to actually call the older man on it seemed kind of juvenile. Still, he knew he'd always wonder if he didn't ask now.
"It just seemed like . . . never mind." He couldn't do it. Putting it into words made it sound petty.
Instead, Tony stared at Gibbs, trying once again to get inside the older man's head, wondering why he'd felt the need to pit Tony against Burley so often during this last case. The answer came to him in a moment of startling clarity. "You were testing me," he stated in a voice filled with awe and a bit of irritation.
Gibbs held his ground firmly, refusing to give in to the feeling that he was a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar, but it was pointless. DiNozzo already possessed the uncanny ability to read his mind, and he knew the younger man had latched onto the truth, though he refused to confirm it.
"Why, Gibbs? You just thought that maybe I needed to prove myself a little bit more? That working ninety-hour weeks wasn't enough for you? That for some reason I needed to try just a little bit harder?"
Tony's voice was increasing again, and Gibbs knew he needed to stop this before it escalated back out of control. "You never needed to prove what I already knew. I just wanted you to prove you weren't going to leave."
Tony looked at him incredulously. "And you thought the best way to get me not to leave was to make me want to quit?"
Now Gibbs did look away. "Yeah, well. Abby kind of warned me it wasn't my best plan."
"Abby was in on this?" Tony asked, the betrayal clear in his voice.
"No," Gibbs stated firmly. "This was my idea alone. She and Ducky did everything they could to talk me out of it."
Tony felt the wind go out of his sails, and he dropped down onto the recliner behind him, his head in his hands. The thought that Abby and Ducky both knew was equal parts disappointing and humiliating, and he tried to wrap his head around it, before deciding it really didn't matter. "So you really were doing it on purpose? Making Burley seem like the Boy Wonder just because you couldn't come out and ask if I was going to stick around?"
Gibbs defended himself even though he really didn't have a leg to stand on. "If I had asked, would you have given me a straight answer?"
Tony lifted his head and looked directly into Gibbs' blue eyes. "I've never lied to you," he said firmly, hurt that Gibbs would think otherwise.
"I know that, DiNozzo," Gibbs capitulated. "But would you even have known the answer yourself?"
Tony went back to staring at his hands. Gibbs had a point. He hadn't known the answer. Wasn't sure even now whether he'd be leaving or staying. He was so tired he couldn't think straight, and he was so afraid to make a decision right now.
"I don't want to screw up again," he stated, unaware that he'd spoken aloud.
Gibbs jumped on that statement. He'd had enough, and it was time to end this. Now.
"You are not a screw up, DiNozzo. Yeah, okay, sometimes your methods are a little - unorthodox - but you get the job done. You see things others miss, and you never give anything less than your all. I have never once worried about any situation we've gotten into when you've been on my six, because I know you've got my back. You're my Senior Field Agent because I chose you to be. You're a damn good federal agent, and I'm glad you're on my team."
Tony sat in stunned silence as he felt the words wash over him. They were possibly more words than Gibbs ever uttered in one sitting, and the fact that they were full of praise was not lost on DiNozzo. He knew how hard it was for the older man to be so forthcoming, and that Gibbs was making that effort solely for Tony's sake.
The words were everything he'd hoped to hear for two long years. Hell, they were ones he'd wanted to hear since he was twelve years old and being shipped off to boarding school by a father who couldn't give a damn. That hurt was old, well-worn and possibly unable to be healed. But the newer hurts, the ones inflicted over the past few days – even ones that had plagued him since starting at NCIS – the words wrapped around them and carried them off as if they had never existed. For once, Gibbs had been straight with him and given him what he'd needed without following it up with a well-aimed put-down.
He knew it would probably be a cold day in hell before he heard such things from his normally taciturn boss again, but that didn't seem to matter much now. Because Gibbs had never lied to him either, and now he knew, and no one could take that knowledge away from him. He let a small, honest smile escape. "Can't tell you how much I wish I had a tape recorder in my pocket, Boss."
Gibbs snorted, glad to release some of the discomfort his little speech had brought on. "You'd need one. No way in hell anybody would believe I said any of that."
Tony laughed surprisingly easily. "Yeah, well, that's just as well. If it's all the same to you, maybe we could just keep it our little secret? Wouldn't want the other kiddos getting jealous." Tony knew Gibbs would let the little white lie slide. He was pretty sure Gibbs would prefer this not get out for other reasons, but Tony simply didn't want to share the magnitude of this moment with anyone else. It would only serve to cheapen it. No, he'd rather keep it to himself, to be pulled out in moments of self-doubt, as a reminder that someone whose judgment he respected more than anyone else's actually thought he was worth something.
Gibbs held up his hands in a placating gesture. "No argument here."
Tony's grin grew. "Your reputation as a bastard is safe in my hands, Gibbs."
Gibbs looked intently at DiNozzo and knew his words had gone a long way toward repairing the damage he'd unintentionally created. He could see Tony tottering on the brink of a decision, and knew there was only one thing needed to ensure the younger man wouldn't leave.
"Stay," he said simply.
Not quite a request, not quite a command, but a little of both. His eyes locked onto Tony's as he quietly spoke again. "Prove them wrong. Burley's held the record for being with me the longest. You break it," he challenged. He had no doubt that before Tony reached the five-year mark with Gibbs, the young agent would be more than ready for a team of his own, but he'd deal with that when the time came. In the meantime, if a challenge was what was needed to keep DiNozzo around, then Gibbs would give it to him. He watched as Tony's chin lifted, as the light of determination settled in the green eyes, and he smiled to himself at Tony's next words.
"On it, Boss."
The knock at the door sounded harshly in the ensuing silence, and Gibbs looked to Tony. "You expecting company?" he asked, glad he hadn't taken off his coat. If it was one of DiNozzo's nubile young female friends, he wanted to be able to make a quick exit.
"Pizza," Tony stated, pushing himself up and heading for the entryway, grabbing his wallet out of the bowl. "You want some?" he offered, pulling open the door.
"Tony!" Abby burst through the opening and straight into Tony's arms, nearly knocking him to the floor. Only Gibbs' steadying hand at his back kept him on his feet. For the second time that night, Tony found himself entangled up with Abby as she held onto him for all he was worth.
"Oh my God, Tony, please don't quit! Please don't quit, please don't quit," she chanted as if it were a mantra. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. We didn't mean it! Gibbs was just kind of freaking out about you nearly leaving; well, at least the possibility that you might because it's been two years and you never stay anywhere longer than two years; well, except here, because we're, like, your family and you'd never leave us, only Gibbs didn't know that, even though he should have, but you know how he gets, because he worries. He totally worries about us, maybe even you most of all, 'cause you kinda get into trouble a lot, but he worries about all of us, even if he'd never admit it, because we're kind like his family too, and he . . . "
Gibbs moved his hand off Tony's shoulder, giving a barely noticeable squeeze, and cleared his throat loudly, pleased when he saw Abby open her tightly shut eyes and turn her startled gaze towards him.
"Gibbs! Oh! Um – hi. Didn't, um, you know, see you there." She bit her lipstick-blackened lip.
"Abs," he said, offering nothing more in greeting.
She looked at him imploringly, before plastering herself all over Tony once again. "Tell him, Gibbs! Tell him you didn't mean it! Tell him that Stan Burley's got nothing on Anthony DiNozzo! Tell him he has to stay. Tell him that he can't quit!"
"Abs!" Gibbs said loudly, hoping to break into his forensic scientist's incessant jabbering. He waited while she paused for breath. "He's not quitting."
"I know, you said that before, Gibbs, but just because you say he's not quitting doesn't mean he's really, really not quitting. Tony's the one who needs to tell me he's not quitting, because I won't believe it unless he says it!"
"Mppmf mprjf mpttg."
"What?"
"Let him breathe, Abby."
She immediately released her grip around Tony's neck. "Oh! Sorry!"
Tony drew a deep breath through his newly released airway. "I'm not quitting, Abs."
She went completely still, framing his face in both her hands and staring intently into his eyes, searching for the truth. "Pinky swear?" she asked solemnly, holding up her right pinky.
Tony linked his finger with hers, squeezing tightly as he leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. "Pinky swear," he whispered into her ear as he pulled away.
"Yay! Tony's not quitting!" She made to hug him again, before Tony grabbed her wrists and held them between them in self-defense. She bounced happily up and down on her platform boots.
Gibbs moved around the two of them, having noticed the bemused pizza-delivery boy standing in the open doorway, openly gaping at the spectacle in front of him. Glaring at the dark-haired youth, Gibbs pulled out his wallet, handing the boy a twenty and grabbing the pizza before firmly shutting the door on him. He carried the meal into the kitchen, listening as Tony finally settled Abby down to a thirty-decibel level. He heard the two of them continue to speak in quiet whispers for a few minutes, confident that they would be able to resolve things between them to the point where Abby might actually forgive Gibbs for the mess his plan had nearly created. When they followed him into the kitchen a few moments later with Abby beaming as she remained wrapped around Tony's arm before she stepped over to hug her boss, he knew he'd been right. He pulled out an extra plate.
"Going, or staying for pizza?" Tony asked her, more than willing to share.
"Pass up a chance to hang out with my two favorite guys? No way! Bring it on. Only, I've got to call Kate. And Ducky. They were both kind of worried too."
"Yeah?" Tony asked, almost shyly.
"Of course, my little buckaroo! In fact, they should be up any minute. Kate's just parking the car."
"They're here?" Tony asked in surprise.
"Well, yeah. I wasn't sure how things were over here, so I brought backup. You know. Just in case you and Gibbs tried to kill each other. And Kate insisted on bringing pizza. As if that would ever be enough to bribe you to stay." She grinned at him.
"Sausage, pepperoni and extra cheese?"
"Oh, yeah."
Tony grinned back at her. He reached into the fridge and pulled out a six-pack, knowing there was only one more thing to take care of.
"Hey, Boss, you got any plans on Saturday?"
Gibbs hesitated before answering, wanting details before committing himself. "What did you have in mind?"
"I was hoping you and your truck could give me a hand. I've got some stuff to get out of my storage unit over at Meyers'. No sense paying fees when I can bring everything home, you know?"
The word 'home' caught Gibbs' attention, and he knew at once that this was not the casual question it seemed. DiNozzo was not only offering Gibbs a chance to redeem himself, he was pointing out to the older man that the challenge that had been put forth was still forefront in his mind.
Burley had lasted five long years with Gibbs. Tony only had two in. So far. But it appeared the younger agent had set his mind to the task, and as Gibbs had learned from past experience, Anthony DiNozzo was nothing if not determined to see the job finished.
In Gibbs' mind, it was a done-deal - the record was already broken. They were just waiting on the calendar to catch up. He took a beer from the pack on the table and opened it, taking a long draw. "Makes sense to me."
~0~
A/N: HUGE, HUGE apologies for the long delay - that was never my intention, but I was stuck in the land of no internet for a week (Down in inner-city Philadelphia, actually - gave me lots of insight into what DiNozzo's career must have been like pre-NCIS.) Only a brief epilogue to go after this - should be up by the end of this week. Thanks again for the many reviews and alerts and for all those who stuck around to see this finished - your support means the world to me!