Story: The Aftermath
Fandom: Law and Order: SVU
Author: hippolover1326
Chapter: 3 (Pretending)

All characters belong to Dick Wolf.

I sighed. I'd screwed everything up even more than I'd thought. I wouldn't be surprised if Olivia wanted to kick me out of her house. All she'd been doing was trying to help and I, Amanda Rollins, had stuck my foot in my mouth again. As I walked over to Liv's shower, I stubbed my toe on the dresser. Already I could tell it was going to be a crappy day. Once I was dressed, I hesitantly stepped into Olivia's kitchen. "Liv?"

"Yeah?" I could hear in her voice, she wasn't mad. Olivia was amazing, really she was.

"I'm so, so sorry, I just –"

"Amanda. It's okay," she said. I nodded.

"Can I hitch a ride with you to work?"

"Ah, no. You're not going to work like that."

"Like what?" But I knew.

"Rollins, you're on psych sessions and stress pills. Not to mention, your shirt's on backwards, and your hair looks like you slept in a wind tunnel."

"Olivia, I'm going."

"Fine, you can deal with Cragen yourself when you get to work."

We got into Liv's car. "Amanda?"

"I'm fine," I said before she could continue. "I don't want to talk about it, I just want to forget."

"Let me tell you something," Olivia said. "After, well after a lot of things…" her voice trailed off and for a moment I was afraid she was going to have a flashback. "After Mom died, the assault, the Simon thing…"

I'd known her mother was a drunk who fell down the stairs and I knew about her half brother Simon. I didn't normally revel in other people's sadness, but I was almost glad Olivia had had a hard childhood too. I wasn't so alone, then. But the assault. What was that? I'd only heard it mentioned once, and that was by Fin, when he was talking to Melinda and I likely wasn't supposed to be listening anyway. "What assault?"

"I was undercover, five years ago, in a prison called Sealview. One of the guards…Lowell Harris…"

I left a space for her to continue, but she didn't. I definitely wouldn't be pressing her. It was a rare time when Liv would share something about her past.

"I wanted to forget everything, Amanda, but it doesn't work. It doesn't. You're gonna have to talk sometime. If not to me, to Elizabeth Olivet, okay?"

"No."

"Wait, weren't you supposed to have a session last night?"

I was supposed to go see Olivet the previous night, but I hadn't been able to face her again. "Yeah. But I didn't go," I offered no apologies but my voice cracked. Now's not the time for that, Rollins! I sternly told myself. "I don't need to go, Olivia, I'm okay."

We arrived at the precinct. "Benson!" Cragen called. "Get your ass into my office, now!"

She walked in, presumably to be chewed out for letting me go to work. That's when I realized it possibly wasn't the best idea, after all. A couple of minutes later, he called me, in a slightly gentler tone than he'd used on Olivia. "My office?"

"Look, Amanda, this squad's been through a lot. So have you. You don't have to keep on pretending you're okay."

"I'm not pretending, Cap. It's just, talking isn't really my thing. Forgetting, is better." I gave Cragen my signature half-smile, hoping he'd believe me. More than anything, I wanted it to just be okay again. I wondered how long that was going to take. "You'll heal on your own time," Olivet would probably tell me. I didn't think I could wait that long.

"Amanda, you have at least a week of mandatory psych leave, okay?" I couldn't argue with my captain after all he'd done to help me with the Murphy/gambling issue, so I nodded. As I was leaving, Nick followed me, then Fin.

"'Manda." Fin said. I loved how he said my name, in his gruff, protective older brother voice. "Look, I think Liv and Cragen are being kind of hard on you."

Nick nodded. "Sometimes, waiting a while to talk is okay. But not too long, all right?"

Fin looked at me. "How much has Liv told you about Sealview?"

"Not much," I admitted. I was pretty sure Fin knew more. In fact, I was pretty sure he was the one who'd saved her.

"Well, she waited nearly six months to start talking about it. Not that we're recommending you do that," he paused. "I only wanted you to know how similar everyone in this squad is, personality wise. You're not alone." I nodded. "Thanks, guys."

"Rollins!" I turned around, and it was Cragen. "We all admire you for how you're handling this," he said. "I only want to tell you that you don't have to."

For once in his life, Munch didn't say anything. Gosh, if this was bad enough to silence John Munch, it must be pretty noticeable. At the door out of the precinct, I saw Melinda and Barba both. Did I have to run into everyone I knew in the same 20 minutes? "Hey Amanda," Melinda said, "how you doing?"

I gave a half shrug. "All right, I guess. Captain's making me take psych leave," I made a face, and Melinda smiled. Barba's eyes knitted together ever so slightly.

"You're from the South?" he asked me. I made another face. My southern accent only came out strong when I was upset. I wasn't upset, was I? Yes, to answer that, I was. Very upset. I just didn't want anyone to know, that was the difference.

Back at Liv's apartment, I went onto the NYPD website. Here, I want to say that this is where it pays off to be the youngest detective in a squad and thus the only one with respectable computer skills. That meant that on the NYPD website, I was able to access Olivia's cases as well as mine. Totally legally, of course. Mostly. What I really wanted to do was see Kim's case file. Olivia and Nick were on that one, so it didn't show up in my file. Instead, when I opened Olivia's account, I clicked Rollins, Kim. There were columns on her case file. Name, age, place of residence, I knew most of those already. Then I got to the one I'd been dreading. COD, it said, and it was typed all in abbreviations like Melinda always did, so I knew it was her.

Rollins, Kim. COD: (said the file)…