Garfield's Creed part 3 Critical Mass
At Atlantic Ocean there was the giant fleet of Assassin pirating ships filled with dastardly scheming pirate Assassins planning to attack states of United America with a wretched plot to empty Fort Knox. Scheming petty Assassin Captain Edward Kenway made plans of petty scheming with his compatriots Blackbeard and Adewale the Freedom Crier. But little did the Assassins know that one thing stood between them and precious gold of Fort Knox.
"Come my compatriots we go check on power-fueling lasagna supply neh heh heh heh heh" Said Captain Edward Kenway with weaselness.
"That is a very good idea!" Said Blackbeard with agreements but when they go down into supply of ship for checking they saw a horrifying sight!
It was Garfield, drinking Jack Daniels whiskey and eating lasagna while Jimi Hendrix played on radio in background!
"Want some lasagna, amigos? On any day whenever you're hungry it's a godsend." Said Garfield with offerings of Assassin surrender while forking down delicious lasagna.
"No! Damn you and your lasagna!" Said Captain Edward Kenway with refusals of anger. "I will not bow my fleet before uncivilized American cat such as yourself! Once I kill you… I will replace all delicious yummy lasagna peasant food in world with far superior boiled and mashed cuisine of the British empire!"
"Then I see that there is no more use in convincing you to surrender for you are truly evil with no room for redemption! Prepare for some fresh fish and chips you sticky seaman!" Said Garfield with burning power as he got ready for coming pummeling.
"Not so fast!" Said Captain Edward Kenway with sudden boost of evil in his outer aura. "Don't you remember who I actually am my old enemy?"
"Gasp!" Said Garfield with horror. "It can't be! I destroyed you long ago in one of my previous adventures in manliness!"
"No Garfield you only managed to destroy one of my robot duplicates! And now… feast your eyes upon my true form!" Said Captain Edward Kenway with increasing voice pitch as he ripped off his skin and flesh and bones to reveal that he was really Hitlar!
"Of course! I should have saw this coming with the blue eyes, blonde hair, and super overcompensation for lack of real manliness." Said Garfield with shaking of head. "But no worry. This time I put you down for good, Adolf you life freedom hating wursthead!"
"You should have seen this coming faster then! Die Garfield Die!" Said Hitlar with maniacal evil of destruction as he blasted Garfield with ubercharge of killing Nazi superpower! But then smoke clear and Hitlar made a mess in his liederhosen as he see Garfield unharmed completely! Garfield had counteracted Nazi evil with power good of freedom and love and absorbed it all to become more powerful!
"Ach nein! How is Garfield so unstoppable?" Screamed Adolf with fear.
"What will we do?" Said Blackbeard and Adewale with pansyness faced with Nazi-killing rage of Garfield.
"Stay here and hold the blasted American feline interloper off while I retrieve reinforcements from the Fatherland!" Said Adolf with lies as he ran for his life.
"Taste the revenge of Queen Anne!" Said Blackbeard as he stabbed Garfield with sword only to find it snap in two upon coming in contact with Garfield's muscles of steel.
"My turn!" Said Garfield with turning tides as he grabbed Blackbeard's black beard and began tugging. "Your facial hear is health hazard and it is time you had a shave!"
Garfield ripedp off Blackbeard's black beard with his fist and with his beard came Blackbeard's skin until he was nothing but bloody flesh standing. Garfield then gathered his inner strength as Blackbeard was stunned and unleashed might attack of "SHORYUKEN!"
"IN A WORLD WITHOUT GOLD I MIGHT HAVE BEEN A HEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Screamed Blackbeard with final words as Garfield uppercutted him away into far away salt pile.
"Damn Garfield you a tougher black belt than I expected!" Said Adewale with trembling. "But I wont let you stop Hitlar!"
Adewale then rip out two ninja star shurikens and tossed them at Garfield. But Garfield with agility of cheetah grabbed them and tossed them back at Adewale decapitating him.
"Heads up, looks like you won't be seeing stars tonight." Said Garfield shaking his head as Adewales head rolled off before putting on his shades and heading up to finish Hitlar.
Hitlar was on deck gripping spear of Nazi black magic and drinking Nazi lager to fuel his nefarious evilness.
"You are too late Garfield for I have retrieved my device of boss fight prolongingation! Now grovel in fear as I summon henchmen to battle you while I sit back and relax while waiting for you to finish attacking them and then me!" Said Hitlar activating his spear as Wagner began to play in the skies.
Sudden lighting cloud gather over Assassin fleet and out of wormhole came the Valkyries! But instead of killing Garfield with spears as Hitlar hoped they sudden swoon over Garfield and touched him in very nice furry places.
"Thank you babes. I knew that tasting my macho charm would open your eyes to the folly of serving pure evil of the Ratzi party." Said Garfield with readyness of finishings as he approached Hitlar.
"NEIN! I knew that my sex appeal was nothing compared to that of Garfields!" Said Hitlar with despair as Garfield stood above him and begin to grovel. "Please Garfield show me mercy I promise I will reform this time and stop killing Jews and freedom!"
"Take your filthy hands of off me and have the drink of your demise! Chug it, Hitlar, chug it!" Said Garfield as he grabbed giant beer keg and began forced Hitler to down it all. Before long, Hitlar was super bloated liquid bag.
"Now… here's the fresh fish and chips I ordered for you earlier!" Said Garfield with master waiter skills as he grabbed swordfish from sea and poked Hitlar with it.
"NEIN GARFIELD AND FREEDOM WINS AGAIN!" Screamed Hitlar as he died for good, exploded by punctuation into million bloody pieces.
"Anyone else before I destroy Assassin fleet with conveniently placed C4 want an express ride to hell?" Said Garfield with pyrotechnics and cracking knuckles.
"Oh Garfield please spare us!" Say Mary Read and Anne Boney as they climbed out of prisoner hold. "Those vile Assassins hold us against our will and force us to do Assassin bidding of evil!"
"I will give you benefit of doubt for I am no goosestepping mongrel. I am but a man." Said Garfield with merciness. "Now let us make our exit with style!"
Garfield wrapped up both pirate babes with muscular arms and they giggled as they felt the muscularity of his arms. Then as Garfield jumped with force of gazelle he pressed detonator to boost height of his jump with the explodings. The force carried Garfield and babes to exotic Caribbean island.
"Garfield, how can we ever repay you for saving us?" Said the Pirate Babes with gratitude..
"Ladies, just feed me some of that delicious lasagna and I will take you to the Captain's Quarters.!" Said Garfield with a seductive wink.
"Oh Garfield you are so generous!" Said the Pirate Babes as they undressed and laid lasagna out all over their bodies. With speed of ravished marooned sailor Garfield unleashed himself upon Pirate Babes and stripped their bodies clean of lasagna to the last spot of tomato sauce and ricotta with his tongue. The Pirate Babes oohed and aahed as Garfield consumed culinary achievement off of them and as they felt his rough manly cat tongue licking their soft creamy bodies clean.
"That was only starter course. Now our lasagna feast begins for real." Said Garfield with lights off as he boarded Mary Read's ship and plundered Anne Boney's loot.
"Oh Garfield Calico Jack's ship was nothing compared to yours!" Said Anne Boney with congratulatings as she rubbed over hands all over Garfield's 48 stack cooler of abs as Mary massaged them both with hands put in heated lasagna cooking oil.
"You haven't seen anything yet!" Said Garfield with pride as he fired cannonball shot into Mary Read so hard he broken all her lower body bones. Mary laugh with pleasure of sexiness as she feeled all her bones breaking because of Garfield's cannon and beg for more. With strength of mighty lion and cunning of crafty tiger Garfield soon flood entire island with the love juice of their making. The air was sweetly scented with the smell of fresh baked lasagna.
"Want some milk, pussy cat?" Said Anne with sweetness as she dangled her cannonballs over Garfield.
"Of course, red. But remember… I ain't no pussy. I am a man!" Said Garfield with deliciousness as Anne Boney gave him fresh hot milk fresh from the source as he rode Mary Read like a wild stallion, clawing her all over her stern and rudder until they were streaks of sexualized red.
"And finally… it is time to send you both to Davy Jones' locker!" Said Garfield as he thrusted in with one final ram of his ship that create mega sonic boom of pleasurable lovemaking heard as far away as home of Kim-Jung Un who instantly shriveled and died as he felt the all-consuming powerful force of freedom and Garfield's manliness liberate North Korea.
"Oh Garfield truly you are a king amongst men!" Said Anne and Mary as they continued to give him kisses and hugs after the climatic climax of their month of grand lovemaking as Garfield felt their new largening bellies and made them kiss each other to charge up the sexiness rating.
"Babes thanks to you my stats have been fully recharged and I am ready to set sail to take on Grandmaster Assassin of Evil at last." Said Garfield with charm.
"Give em scurvy, Garfield!" Said the Pirate Babes to Garfield as he returned to sea to march to Washington DC to end Assassin threat for good.
Mere minutes later in Washington DC Assassins were nowhere close to penetrating the valiant defenses of mighty American army and their leader Sheriff Clint Eastwood who cut down hundreds of Assassins with deputies Morgan Freeman and Lee Van Cleef by his side. But then Sheriff Clint Eastwood received on walky-talky order to stop fighting for America's army's services no longer were needed. Army then retreated with maximum efficiency.
"Why have they retreated?" Asked the Assassin Lieutenant with curiosity.
"Maybe we all have a bit of Frenchman in us. In the end, the A in America truly does stand for France!" Said Ezio Auditore with stereotyping.
"Hey you take that back we are the pinnacle of innovative and creative character design!" Said the Three Identical Bearded White Frenchmen Assassins and their leader, Arno Dorian the Stubbly White Frenchmen from upcoming 2014 video game Unity of the Assassinating Creed with objections.
"Nobody cares you damn closeted frogs! You don't even have any hot French chickees to use as eye candy to distract a real man if he shows up, you fruity loops." Said Ezio with great meanness.
"What are we going to do now?" Asked the Assassin Lieutenant with evil anticipation.
"The damn obvious – we take over America and rebrand it Assassin Land as the first part of the Grandmaster's global empire of evil!" Laughed Ezio with evilness.
But then something happened at coastline that ended Ezio's laugh and reduced it to quake of pansy fear. Tsunami was rising and bystanders fled from the tsunami along as savior of day began emerging from the sea. Assassins quiver like pansies they are as they fire their assault rifles at the incoming threat, who loomed large and mighty above them. Atmospheric reveal hyping music began to play as the bullets bounced off of his gleaming muscles of invincibility. Bystanders all stand and gape in awe of the great hero come to save him as his tsunami washed them away.
"We must destroy America before he reaches us!" Said Ezio with fear as he ran other direction of charging Assassins to save himself from the inevitable.
"Death to America and freedom!" Shouted all the Assassins as they rushed at helpless civilians. Civilians scream as the Assassins begin cause great distraction until sudden blast of hardrocking heavy metal hit the airwaves and explosions from other side of street of famous American landmark location blasted many Assassins away as something heroic and manly come forward to save America as explosions blasted many bystanders away as they cheer on in joy!
With camera pan of revealing hype anticipation pay-off, and a giant step of powerful manliness making dents in ground, Garfield stepped forward before the Assassins and let out mighty roar of super-manly strength.
"I have come here to eat lasagna and kick ass. And I'm all out of lasagna."
"You cannot hope to overcome us all we are a billion strong in number and killing us one by one would only allow Ezio and the Grandmaster time to escape!" Said the Assassin lieutenant with mockery.
"A billion is not even equivalent to ant against me. You all will fall in matter of short minutes." Said Garfield as he whipped out vintage white fedora of stylishness. Garfield then took out nickel from pockets of endless manliness and flicked it across the Potomac River where it landed in a jukebox in some bar in Richmond. With paying of nickel forged by Garfield's own manly hands, music began to play all across America bringing hope to people oppressed by Assassin evil.
Garfield began to strike a groovy beat and all the Assassins started to scream as the music overwhelmed their evil-fueled resistance.
"It is only fortunate that the French words for victory are I give up and I surrender otherwise we might have lost this!" Said the French Assassins with national pride as they ran away leaving the other billion Assassins to their fate as Garfield began singing along to beats of fastness and epic riffs of synthesizers and guitars. As Garfield danced and sang, all the Assassins surrounding him were possessed to dance along with Garfield in perfect synchronization to his smooth moves.
As the American people cheered on Garfield as he danced like no man had ever danced before, one punk kid said with lies "Woo I taught him everything he knows!"
"Prove it!" Said other kid with skepticisms.
The punk kid began to dance only for Garfield to snap finger with insolence and vaporize kid with lightning from heaven for crime of lying.
"Beat it, punk." Said Garfield with warnings. Then he began to sing again.
As song winded down Garfield stopped dancing with larger-than-life finish freeze pose. As he did this all one billion Assassins who had been dancing froze with him and then blew up in death.
However the Assassin lieutenant was still standing, laughing evily as he pointed to earmuffs on head.
"Ha ha Garfield I am immune to power of dancing cause I have earmuffs how will you make me dance the dance of death with no song?" Said the Assassin lieutenant with stupidity.
"Dance with these bullets instead." Garfield said as he did spinning twirl and ripped out submachine gun mowing down the Assassin lieutenant.
"Congrats Garfield your shooting puts even ours to shame." Said Sheriff Clint Eastwood and his deputies with reverence as they approached Garfield for autographs. "Surely the war is over and the day is saved thanks to you!"
"I'm afraid we have only cut the heads off this hydra of assassinating menace. I must burn the whole beast before my mission is accomplished otherwise they will just return and spread like vile spaghetti platter." Said Garfield with battle-hardened grit as he sniffed the air to locate the remaining Assassins.
Meanwhile in the secret lair where Grandmaster Assassin of Evil was making his freedom-hating plans for future of conquered United States of Freedom, when Ezio burst in with Assassin clothing wetted with the juice of unmanlyness.
"Grandmaster it is horrible! Garfield has returned and he is killing us by the millions with each second!" Said Ezio with crying baby eyes.
"Quit it with your sad woes, you little Florentine bitch." Said the Grandmaster with disdain of much.
"But Grandmaster Garfield is destroying everything we need to take over America!" Said Ezio with hard news.
"I worry not because they Assassins that Garfield fells are nothing compared to me. He has faced many nefarious enemies such Hitlar and Osama Bin Laden but none of them are disciples of true evil such as myself!" Said the Grandmaster with evil laughter of twirling mustachio.
At that very moment there was loud crashing as Garfield burst through the wall with revving engine of flame-painted Harley Davidson with American flags flying. Attached to front of Garfield's Harley were the decapitated heads of the Frenchmen impaled upon loaves of bread.
"Your limp soggy French fries and their fagots were no match for me." Said Garfield with cockiness.
"I can't take this anymore! I once thought that I was a man but Garfield has shown me that I was only a delusional pussy out of his league!" Said Ezio with collapse of last dignity. He hopped on pink Vespa bike and sped away.
"I'll be back." Said Garfield to Grandmaster Assassin of Evil with promises as he shot out constricting chains of machismo to bind Grandmaster Assassin of Evil in place as he sped off after Ezio in hot pursuit as action-packed chase music began to play.
"Why do you follow me? I am defeated for good!" Said Ezio as he cried uncontrollably as Garfield's Harley blaring Iron Maiden easily caught up to Ezio's Vespa.
"You are the one who got us into this whole mess and the one who dared stain the honor of America and freedom by bringing evil Assassin who would take them from world! Now it is time for reckoning, Ezio!" Said Garfield with reckoning as he bumped into Ezio's Vespa with high speeds destroying the Vespa with explosions and launching Ezio into the air. Garfield then hit ramp into air follow Ezio and as Ezio was flying through sky Garfield unleashed fury fists of justice upon him.
"M-m-mercy! I am sorry for all the bad things I did! Please forgive me and train me to be real man like you!" Said Ezio with pleadings as Garfield shattered every single bone in his body.
"Speakings of syncophanticism won't get you anywhere, Ezio! The only one who can determine your fate now is the one whose honor you have stained – Lady Liberty!" Said Garfield with decisiveness as in mid-air Garfield hop off of Harley and grab it by the rear bumper and swing it into Ezio like bat of baseball.
Ezio flew all the way to New York the City of New York where he hit Lady Liberty's torch and burned to death with great screaming of pansy anguish.
"And the verdict is death!" Said Garfield with satisfaction at justice delivered as he flipped back onto his motorcycle and landed it from air to speed back to Grandmaster Assassin of Evil to end the evil Assassins for good.
All of a sudden lightning came from sky above but Garfield swerve to avoid it with instant reflex of maneuvering.
"Wow that was impressive Garfield but it shall not be fast enough to escape my wrath!" Said the Grandmaster Assassin of Evil with lightning.
"Than I shall come to you!" Said Garfield with comings as he rode rooftop parkour on Washington City monuments until blasting through White House window at the Grandmaster Assassin of Evil with another fist of justice serving planned.
"Exactly what I wish for you to do, you feline fool!" Said the Grandmaster with trap as he used lighting shock field to blast Garfield away who gracefully landed on head of Lincoln Memorial and dodge another blast of lightning from Grandmaster.
"Damn you Garfield for landing on your feet!" Said the Grandmaster with frustration as Garfield engaged with Grandmaster in mid-air flying kung fu battle. "But I shall be the victorious one!"
"Don't be so cocksure when you leave cock unguarded!" Said Garfield with clever trick as he delivered finishing blow to Grandmaster blasting him downwards from air into Congress Building shattering it.
"That wasn't very manly of you Garfield!" Said the Grandmaster with pain.
"You are no man with honor – you do not deserve to be treated as such!" Said Garfield with honorableness.
Garfield stood over defeated Grandmaster and reached for his iron mask forged from pure evil.
"And now it is time for unmasking!" Said Garfield with unmasking. "And you are… sorry, who are you?"
"Goddamn it Garfield dont you remember me I am Lyman!" Said Lyman with evil laugh.
"I'm sorry the name doesn't ring a bell." Said Garfield with perplexion.
"Well fortunately it is merely decoy for I am not truly Lyman and so you still shall perish by my hands of vengeance. Instead I really am..." Said Lyman with sudden revealations as he pressed button on his neck to open up chest cavity to reveal that Lyman was actually robot piloted by no one other than…
"Nermal, the world's cutest kitten!" Said Nermal with catchphrase of announcing as he applied make-up to his eyelashes and layers of scarlet red lipsticks as he click-clacked his high-heels on the ground as he got out of robot suit.
"Why Nermal Why Look at the destruction that you have made with your legion of Assassins!" Asked Garfield with disbelief as he pointed at the destruction of Washington DC around them made by epic final fight.
"I was always jealous of you Garfield. I was the cutest kitten in the world but cutness doesn't get the babes manliness does! But no matter how many cigarettes I smoked to be manly like cowboy women always pick you over me!" Said Nermal with hateful jealousy.
"Nermal I warned you that underage smoking were for losers and that it would prevent you from getting the babes like me." Said Garfield with sadness.
"You lie Garfield you surely must've sabotaged my cigarettes so I would not upstage you! You are no hero Garfield you are merely a pig fooling the sheep!" Said Nermal with delusional anger. "But now I shall destroy you and all your friends so that with no manly men left to stop me, I shall be the only choice the babes have!"
"But why attempt to destroy America?" Said Garfield with indignation.
"Without freedom and greatness of American no one in world dare have ball to stand up to me!" Said Nermal with freedom-hating evil. "And with all lasagna and babes in world under my control, I can binge on them anytime I want to become supermanlier than ever you Garfield!"
"You are fool, Nermal for thinking that you can become man by cheating like that!" Said Garfield with shaking of head.
"Yes I may be fool but at least I will not be a dead fool like you!" Said Nermal with fighting initiation as he ripped out from his Gucci handbag Manly Steroids for Cheaters and downed entire can. With drugs coursing through body Nermal morphed into Freaking Angry Giant Ghast Of Terror Nermal! Flexing new muscle with glee, Nermal laughed with evil as he snatched Garfield up with giant hands. "You came here prepared to fight a kitten… but instead you found a MAN!"
"Now it is payback Garfield! Enjoy your slow and painful death!" Said Nermal with intents of payback.
"I was just trying to help you become more of man!" Said Garfield with sadness as he knew the inevitable dawned. "But you are beyond helping now Nermal."
"Still such a big mouth!" Said Nermal with tsk-tsking. "But not once I use you for a few dribbles and slam dunks with my newfound manly strength!"
"You mean your newly manufactured faker man strength!" Said Garfield with corrections as he concentrated his inner energy and blasted Nermal's grip off of him. "And I will let no faker use me as his basketball!"
Garfield hopped in attack helicopter and flew at Nermal firing missiles from his machine guns but Nermal swatted him off course. As Garfield landed after ejecting Nermal lifted leg and prepared to crush Garfield like bug.
"Now Garfield I shall crush you like bug!" Said Nermal with crushing.
"NEVER!" Roared Garfield with mighty defiance as he used all his strength of muscles to hold up Nermal's crushing foot with strain of greatness.
"You must give!" Said Nermal with laughter of futile resistance. "And even if you do resist longer, there is no way that you can escape and defeat me, the world's new manliest man! You cannot stop the fall of America and yet you still resists! Why?"
"BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL!" Said Garfield with righteous fury flowing through ones self.
Then from the skies above came a familiar noise that pumped power of hope into the muscles of Garfield!
"AMAKOOOOOOO"
Jon Arbuckle swooped through skies on fighter jet blaring Iron Maiden at maximum amplitude and fired homie missiles at Nermal.
"Ouchie wowies!" Screamed Nermal as the missiles blew Nermal off of Garfield.
"Here Garfield catch it is your ultimate device of plot resolving convenience!" Said John Arbuckle as he ejected out in freefall and gave Garfield the device in lasagna briefcase.
"Thank you Jon Arbuckle. Now it is time to show Nermal what a real man is made of!" Said Garfield with showing as he activated device with transformed into giant guitar-operated golden mech fueled by the power of lasagna and freedom.
"You think your tinkertoys have any ch" Said Nermal before Garfield hit opening riff and blasted Nermal with man-laser beam cutting him off and leaving gaping hole in Nermals chest.
"Now Nermal you will know what happens to followers of path of evil." Said Garfield with no regrets as he ripped the Monument to Washington out of ground and pummelled Nermal with it. Garfield then used his guitar to unleashed pulse-wracking intensities upon the vile form of Nermal.
"Here Nermal I hear they are selling your death with one-time only discount." Said Garfield with saavy shopping as he slammed the defeated Nermal down into the National Mall.
"How can it be?" Said Nermal with incredulences. "I took all the man steroids and became a God yet you still bested me!"
"Nermal you should know the Creed of now extinct Assassins said that nothing is true and everything is permitted." Said Garfield with truth as he snap Washington Monument in two and use Nermal as drum pad.
"NO GARFIELD I WILL BE THE MANLIEST MAN IN THE WORLD!" Said Nermal with continued denial.
"Nermal you should have learned that cheaters never prosper! You were never man. You are faker." Said Garfield with revelations. "But if you want be man so badly… come and be a taker!"
Garfield hit final heroic guitar strumming and Garfield's Lasagna Mech reached into Nermal's mouth and unloaded complete flow of manly power.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY BODY CANNOT HANDLE REAL MAN POWER!" Said Nermal as Garfield's man-power overwhelmed his feeble organs.
"Wow Garfield you have him at the edge! Now… Finish him!" Jon Arbuckle yelled.
"My pleasure! Swallow this, Nermal you asshole." Said Garfield with fatalities as he blasted off Nermal's head with manpower and held it above wreckage of Washington DC victorious.
"Garfield you are real hero once again!" Said everyone as they applauded him in the wreckage of their lives as celebration music began to play.
Garfield then with superspeed rebuilt all of Washington DC and rescued the kidnapped babes and lasagna. As Garfield hopped out of mech with babes swooning over him and feeding him lasagna Obama the President walked forward with George Washington covered in blood of one million dead Assassins.
"Garfield here is medal as thanks for saving America and coincidentally the rest of the world once more." Said Obama the President with congratulations as he put medal on Garfield.
"Thank you Mr. President but I have fear I run out of medal room for I saved the world far too many times." Said Garfield with nonchalance.
"Do not worry Garfield" Said Obama the President with fingersnap. "As thanks for saving America and freedom from vile Assassins I shall use my Presidential authority to grant you possession of all babes and lasagna you have rescued."
"I appreciate that Mr. President but the Templars and Assassins were evil because they could not share this world." Said Garfield with introspective realization. "It will make me no different from their vile ways if I do not do what they could not."
"What do you mean Garfield?" Said Obama the President with questioning.
"I announce with my manly authority that I am throwing lasagna party with babes and everyone is invited!" Said Garfield with party as whole world cheered.
"You are truly standout amongst inferior men!" Said Obama the President with fist-bump.
"Wow Garfield you were awesome back there!" Said redskin woman led by Connor as she planted kiss on Garfield.
"Who are you?" Asked Garfield with intrigued lust.
"This is my mom!" Said Connor as he tossed Connor's mom into Garfields arms. "She was dead but excess manly energy lingering in the air after Nermal's demise brought her back to life in service of you!"
"You are true man!" Said Connor's mom as she pet Garfield all over.
"Wait she is my lover!" Said Haytham Kenway with jealousy.
"Move over Haytham Garfield is far more man than you ever will be!" Said Connor's mom with rejections. "Garfield will you marry me?"
"Lady there is always room for one more!" Said Garfield with polygamy. "Now let me show you the colors of the romantic wind."
Garfield and Connor's mom then locked lips as he caressed her rear to great applause from everyone but Haytham Kenway.
"How could this have happened?" Said Haytham Kenway with disbelief. "Thanks to Garfield I have no more women and am now dead inside with nothing to live for."
"Garfield gets all glory and women at end of adventure even if they are rightfully mine or yours. He'll pay for this one day even if it takes stooping to criminality to do it!" Said Odie with sudden omnious jealousy.
"Shall I take you to my private chambers to give you an in-depth buffet of forest fruits?" Said Connor's mom with offering.
"Oh baby I look forward to consuming your wild fresh produce." Said Garfield with sly wink as he and Connor's mom walked off into sunset as Connor followed like drooling dog on leash. "Pay close attention bastard boy I will show you just how real man does it under the sheets."
The End...?
Author's note: If Ubisoft is reading this and would like to replace Assassin's Creed with Garfield's Creed that would be okay