Hi all…this is the FIRST HALF of episode 3… I usually prefer to post the entire episode at a time but my writing process has been slow and I don't know when I'll finish and didn't want to leave you all hanging forever so I decided to post what I have so far (which is about half the episode) and post the other half probably in a week or two when I am able to finish. Anyway, hope you enjoy, and please leave feedback! Thanks!
Episode 3:The One with the Defensive Driving Class- Part 1
(Scene opens in Joey and Rachel's apartment. Joey is sitting in his chair, reading a book, which he is holding in one hand, and holding a pair of handcuffs in the other hand. Enter Chandler.)
Joey (pointing towards Chandler, reading the book, and holding out the handcuffs): Put your hands where I can see them!
Chandler (putting his hands in the air): Okay, I'm sorry I drank your last beer!
Joey: Wait… did you really?
Chandler: No, what's with the cuffs?
Joey: I'm rehearsing for this part in a movie. I play a cop arresting a burglar. It's just one scene, but I really want it. And the cuffs are part of my audition.
Chandler: That explains it.
Joey: I kind of need to learn how to actually get these cuffs on.
Chandler: Well, that would be essential to getting the part, now wouldn't it?
Joey: Can I practice on you? Please?
Chandler: Sorry, Joey, I have plans to… drive Monica's Porsche through a building.
Joey: Come on, Chandler. Please? You can have my… (Joey finds a cantaloupe on the counter.) Cantaloupe.
Chandler: That's tempting, but I'll pass.
Joey: It will only take a second.
Chandler: Fine, but only if you stop calling me in the middle of the night to comfort Hugsy after a nightmare. You keep waking my babies up.
Joey: Deal.
(Joey picks up the book and the handcuffs, and reads out of the book.)
Joey: Put your hands where I can see them!
(Chandler holds out his hand, and Joey attempts to attach the cuffs. After a moment, Joey tries to pull away, but can't. He has accidentally cuffed own of his own hands to one of Chandler's.)
Chandler: Nice job half arresting yourself, Joey.
Joey: We better try that again.
(Joey starts to pull on the handcuffs and gets a worried look.)
Chandler: Joey? Undo the cuffs!
Joey: I… can't.
Chandler: Don't you have a key?
Joey: Yeah. At my new agent's office.
(There's a pause as Chandler glares at Joey.)
Chandler: You have GOT to be kidding me.
Theme song.
(Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are on the couch. Mike is in the armchair.)
Ross: This isn't what I ordered.
(Gunther chuckles from behind them.)
Ross: When is Gunther going to get over us being together?
Rachel: I don't know. But I can order what you wanted for you, and he will probably give me double of it.
Phoebe: Can we get to my problems now?
Ross: What problems? You didn't say anything was wrong.
Phoebe: Well, I couldn't because you were too busy whining about not getting your stupid order. So you got tea instead of coffee. Deal with it. Tea is still good.
Rachel: Okay, what's wrong?
Mike: She's annoyed at me because I signed her up for a defensive driving class.
Phoebe: As if I need it. I'm a perfectly good driver.
(Everyone stares at her.)
Phoebe: So I hit things sometimes, so what? I've never killed anyone. My mom, on the other hand, she did. She killed herself.
Mike: You're not using that to get out of this.
Rachel: It might be good for you, Phoebe. You can learn how to be a better driver.
Ross: Actually, Rachel, Phoebe is not the only one who needs to improve her driving. You should join her in the class.
Rachel: Well, Ross, I happen to be a very good driver, but I also know that these classes can help make you an even better one. And if it will make Phoebe go, I'll do it.
Phoebe: Yay! We're going to defensive driving class together! Ooh, it will be like a little driving party!
(Enter Joey and Chandler, still handcuffed to each other.)
Ross: Couldn't reach your agent to get the key, huh?
Chandler: Oh, no, we reached his agent; we just enjoy being cuffed to each other.
Joey: It is, kind of fun… I mean, we get to spend even more time together. It's a bonding experience. Everything I do, you do.
Chandler: Oh, yeah, could this be more fun… if you try to take a shower again, I'm gonna kill you.
(Enter young woman with red hair. She sits at the table to the right of the couch, by the window.)
Joey: Excuse me.
(He starts towards the woman, forgetting Chandler is attached to him and yanking his arm.)
(Chandler grabs his arm and winces.)
Chandler: Watch it.
(Joey continues pulling Chandler towards the woman. They approach her.)
Joey: How you doin'?
(The woman gives Joey and Chandler a strange look.)
Woman: Okay, do you two freaks want a threesome or something, because just to let you know, I'm not into that.
Joey: What? No.
Woman: I also don't really do the whole cuffing thing. Sorry.
(The woman rolls her eyes and exits.)
Joey: I just lost a hot woman! I don't know what you're talking about Chandler, being cuffed to each other is not fun at all.
(Scene opens in a small classroom. Several people are seated at desks. Enter Phoebe and Rachel.)
Rachel: this better be worth it. I couldn't' leave Emma with Monica because Jack is sick. So Ross has her at work.
Phoebe: how much can a two year old actually understand anyway? I mean when you read her those fashion magazines, she's way more into what's inside her nose.
(Rachel and Phoebe look around the room.)
Phoebe: So all these people have problems driving, huh?
Rachel: Or, like me, they just need to improve their already great driving skills.
Phoebe: Hey, I think I took my road test with that guy.
(Phoebe points at a guy at one of the desks.)
Rachel: A driving teacher is taking this class?
Phoebe: He told me I had a nice rack and I should show it off on the road. So he passed me.
Rachel: That explains so much.
(A man enters and stands at the front of the room. Phoebe and Rachel sit down at two adjacent desks in the back.)
Man: welcome to the class. Today we will discuss several different aspects of safe driving. We will start with intersections. What do you do if you need to change lanes and you need to see if there is anyone in your blind spot?
(Rachel raises her hand.)
Rachel: That's an easy one. You just assume that there's no one there and if there is, they will see you signaling and stop. I mean if you have to change lanes, you change lanes.
Phoebe: or you can just honk your horn to let them know you're coming and they better yield.
(There is a long moment of silence.)
Man: you better pay great attention to this lecture before you drive home from here.
(Scene opens in a classroom. A group of students are seated at desks. Ross walks into the room, holding Emma.)
Ross: hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late. It's my nanny's day off but my girlfriend is taking a class, so i had to bring my baby to work. This is Emma.
Chorus of voices: hi, Emma.
Ross: I'm hoping I'm raising a future paleontologist right here, so maybe being at this lecture will be good for her.
Ross: I'm hoping I'm raising a future paleontologist right here, so maybe being at this lecture will be good for her.
(Scene changes, but still in Ross's classroom, clear time has gone by. Ross is standing at the board pointing at a slide of a dinosaur bone. Emma is sitting on the table in front of Ross.)
Ross: so scientists are still trying to prove that this bone came from one of the last living dinosaurs, that may have lived longer than we initially thought.
(Ross checks his watch.)
Ross: and I got so into that discussion that I'm late for my class. So that's all for today. See you all Tuesday.
(The students get up. Ross grabs his briefcase and runs out of the room, leaving Emma on the table.)
(Cut to Joey's apartment. Joey and Chandler are attempting to play Fireball but keep having difficulty because of the handcuffs.)
Chandler: I give up. Fireball is just not fun with only one hand.
Joey: I'm depressed. I'm just gonna go sit in my chair.
(Joey starts towards his chair, yanking Chandler along with him.)
Chandler: Dude. You need to stop doing that.
Joey: I keep forgetting we're cuffed together.
Chandler: Really, why don't you teach me how?
(Joey sits down in his chair, pulling Chandler along with him. Chandler
falls across Joey's lap.)
Chandler: You're gonna have to give up the chair until we get the cuffs off.
Joey: I'll have to go to my bed for a nap then.
(Chandler stares at Joey.)
Chandler: Not unless you want me in bed with you.
Joey: Can I at least have a beer?
Chandler: Yeah whatever. I'll have one too.
(Joey and Chandler go to the fridge. Joey takes two beers out. He grabs a bottle opener and tries to open the bottle one handed but struggles.)
Joey: I can't have beer either! This is so unfair!
Chandler: Well, maybe you shouldn't have cuffed us to each other! You think I like this! Monica and I are- oh, crap, Monica.
Joey: What?
Chandler: Well, we haven't done it since the babies were born. And Monica's parents are babysitting tonight so we thought tonight we would...
(Chandler is glaring at Joey, who is standing there smiling.)
Chandler: Stop picturing my wife naked.