Things happened so fast; either that, or any notion of time became parallel to her. For the beginning, she was alone. And it hurt; more than she prepared herself to withstand.
She made up with Blair; of course she did. But it wasn't the same. It would take her a while to go back to the sisterly bond between them. She still couldn't trust Blair the way she used to. She felt so lonely, like there was no one to rely on. The one person she knew she could always count on was now gone too. And she wasn't used to that feeling. She hated it.
Three months later, she was called in the early hours of the morning at some dirty bar in Queens, to pick him up. He was drunk, and crying, and completely unaware of anything around him. Blair left him. Of course she did. She had always loved Chuck, and Dan was just a little distraction. Serena had known all along that would happen. But Dan wouldn't listen; Blair would deny it. At least she was now happy with the one she truly loved, and Serena couldn't not be glad about that. She wanted Blair to be happy. She deserved to. She was just sorry Dan had to be hurt in the process.
He was heavy in her arms as she dragged him to her town car outside. He muttered something which she didn't understand, but didn't fight with her as she sat him inside. He passed out shortly after that, his head weak on her shoulder, and hands limp on her lap. She looked at him, the man she couldn't help but love, and felt sorry for him. Apart from more prominent cheekbones, he was the same boy she fell in love with a few years ago. At least she hoped he was... How could she not know who he was anymore?
With the help of her driver, Serena laid Dan on his bed in the loft. She removed his shoes and covered him with a blanket, and when she tried to leave, she couldn't. He was so vulnerable, so alone; she didn't want him to feel as miserable as her. So she took off her own shoes and lay next to him. The smell of alcohol and cigarettes made her rethink the events of the night; 'Sorry to disturb you, miss, but you are the number one on his speed dial. We have a mister Humphrey here, and he might need some help getting home tonight.' She then realised she was still the first on his speed dial. The cruel games that false hope plays made her think that she did the right thing by staying with him that night. But when she woke up the next morning, legs tangled and his arm around her, the same way as they would have been a lifetime ago, she realised her mistake. So she left, quietly, without leaving a trace of her existence with him.
Later that day she received a message.
Thank you for being here last night. Dan.
Always.
xoxo
Before she knows it, summer arrives. She used to love the heat and sun, but now the pure thought of enjoying it on her own kills her. Her mother worries; so she is sent to the Hamptons to be with CeCe. She doesn't dare to tell Lily how hard it is to go back, knowing what happened the last time she was there. But maybe the quiet and the poolside chaise long will be good for her. Or so she thinks.
CeCe has different plans. There are parties, and dinners, and brunches, and Serena must attend them all. She wears the finest perfumes and designer dresses, and puts on a smile like she doesn't have a care in the world. She chats, and laughs, and no one reads the pain in her eyes, because no one there really cares. If the appearances are kept well enough, then no one bothers to see what's behind them. She doesn't have to try that hard either. He's not there to figure it out, overlook her poker face. Except for him, no one else could give a damn. Sometimes, not even Blair.
Her grandmother eventually gets her way, and by the end of June, Serena agrees to be taken to dinner by James Temperton. He is nice, and quiet, and 'belongs to a respected social class'. But most importantly, he has money. And he accepts her as she is; broken, and boring, and weak. She knows she will never love him. She's already in love with someone else. But that person won't love her back; he doesn't seem to anymore, so she needs to move on. And since everyone approves, by the end of the summer, they are an official couple. They go to dinners together, and attend charity galas, and read headlines in the newspapers saying 'Serena and James – New York's Golden Couple.' But when they kiss, she feels Dan's lips under hers. When they sleep together, she pretends Dan's arms are around her. She feels awful; James is loving, and kind, and in love with her. And she fakes it.
She cries on Christmas Eve; that was the one time she couldn't stop it. Blair is there for her; she holds her, and smoothes her hair, and regrets every moment she spent with the one her best friend loved. She hates that she was the one to break such a powerful connection between two people who just had to be together. But she's there to pick up the pieces of what she had ruined. And Serena is grateful.
xoxo
The reporter takes a 'Christmas Day with New York's Elite' picture of her and James, and she knows she'll see it in the newspapers the next morning. She doesn't care anymore. He should know about it anyway. Her apartment is filled with much too many people, and she feels claustrophobic for the first time in her life. But her well rehearsed smile is placed on her face again, and no one apart from Blair notices.
And then all happens so quickly. There is a crowd around her, and James drops to one knee. She hears gasps as he takes a small black box out of his coat pocket. 'Will you marry me?' A proposal on Christmas Day. How cliché. She remembers a similar situation far too well; Bart and Lily. Claus and Lily. Now James and Serena. She would become her mother. She would marry, and remarry, and never be with the one she loved. But she doesn't care anymore. Is there any point in caring?
'Yes.' And the crowd cheers. Except for Blair. She exits the room.
xoxo
'Less than two days until the wedding of the decade. Serena van der Woodsen and James Temperton will finally tie the knot with a small, private ceremony at an undisclosed chapel in Manhattan, followed by a lavish ceremony at the prestigious Empire Hotel. It is rumoured that the expensive reception is the bride's brother, Charles Bass' wedding present to the happy couple. We want to congratulate them and wish them all the best.'
Happy couple? Newspapers say all kinds of crap.
She doesn't want a big wedding, but the social status asks for it. She can hear the chatter and even the heels clicking against the marble floors of the church. The dress is too tight; her heels are too high. She feels dizzy and can't breathe. But she once again pretends to be able to. How has her life ended up being a sham? She doesn't want to answer that question. She can't start regretting it now.
'You don't have to do this. I know you don't want to. Why are you going through with this?' Blair holds her hands, and forces her gaze towards her.
'What should I do, B? Wait my whole life for something that's not coming?'
'How do you know? Serena, we're talking about a boy that wrote a whole story about you. A boy that swallowed a lot of criticism only to be with you. A boy that loved you more than life itself. Three months with me couldn't have changed that.'
She smiled, not a fake smile, but a sad one. 'The same boy wrote a novel about you. He rarely falls in love; but when he does, there's no one else for him. I had my chance, I blew it several times, and he healed by being with you. He fell in love with you; he wouldn't have if he had any more feelings for me.'
'I know that's not true. If you marry James, you're killing any chance of getting back together with the man you love.'
'Some people need to sacrifice things in their lives. My mother did; so will I. It can't be that bad. At least I won't be alone. I'll be with someone who loves me.'
'No one is asking you to sacrifice this. You're hurting yourself and him. Think about that, and if you're okay with it, then go out there and say your vows. I just need to know that you won't regret this for the rest of your life.'
Blair waits. But all Serena does is smile at her in the same broken way as before. She drops the blonde's hands.
'Okay. If that's what you want... I'll see you out there?' She doesn't wait for a reply.
Serena fixes her makeup and looks at herself in the mirror once more. All she sees is a broken heart. And a beautiful dress; she focuses on that, takes her mind off...other things.
'You look so beautiful. You always do.'
His voice startles her, and when she turns around, the sight of him brings a sour taste in her mouth.
It's hard to speak. She doesn't know what to say. She hasn't seen him in so long...
'Dan... What are you doing here?' It's suddenly so hot in the room. The feeling that she couldn't breathe that she had experienced before is suddenly insignificant, compared to what was happening now.
'Don't marry him.' It's so low, so soft, that she wishes he actually said what she thought she had heard.
'What?'
'Don't marry him, Serena.' This time he spoke loudly, clearly, his words bouncing off every wall in the room at least a hundred times.
'Dan, you can't do this to me. You lost the right when you dated my best friend...'
'I know, and I'm sorry, but I can't let you do this. Please don't do this!'
'I have a church filled with people and a man that loves me waiting for me. This is our goodbye, Dan. I'm sorry it has to be this way.'
She picks up her bouquet from the crystal vase. Just as she did on the steps of the St Regis Hotel, before she leaves the room, she stops and looks at him one more time.
'I just want you to know something. I really did love you. Everything that I have ever told you was nothing but the truth. But it wasn't enough to save us. I'm sorry.'
She opens the large double doors and places a single step out, until he wraps his hand around her small wrist and pulls her back towards him, their mouths meeting at the middle. And although she knows it's wrong, although she knows it will hurt even more at the end of everything, she kisses him back, hard, passionately, pouring every single moment of angst she felt for the past few months into that single kiss.
He pulls away and unites their foreheads, the tips of their noses touching. She knows she should, but she just can't pull away. She's in her wedding dress, a few minutes before getting married in front of what seems like the whole world, but she can't find the willpower to let go of the man she actually loves.
Until she realises why they weren't together in the first place. He loved Blair. What happened to that? She starts crying, something she has managed to control decently well until now.
'Why won't you just let me go, once and for all? I had to move on, Dan, because you left me! I gave you the opportunity to be with me; I told you I loved you! And you made it very clear you weren't interested. So why the change of heart? Why now? I just needed the closure, and here you are, ruining everything I have built these past...' He interrupts her by pressing his lips to her again, slowly, trying to still them from shaking with sobs. Then he spoke again, and she just listened, her arms still locked at the back of his neck.
'I'm sorry it took hurting you so badly, disappointing you, for me to finally understand where I belong. Who I belong with! Serena, the day Blair left me was a wake up call for me. She left me to be with Chuck, the love of her life. And I thought about what that actually meant. For Blair, it means Charles Bass, and everything that comes with that. For me, it means late nights at some old pool hall with a beautiful blond girl that has absolutely no talent when it comes to playing the game. It means picnics in Central Park, cardboard snowflakes and that four year old laugh that I just can't get out of my head.'
She cried even harder, and he cupped her face with his hands, her hot tears rolling down the backs of them.
'You said I was the love of your life. You said you loved me, and that you always will. You said we were forever, and that is what true love is. Forever. Don't tell me you can imagine it with the man waiting for you at that altar.'
She didn't speak; she couldn't. She didn't know what to do. What to believe. How to react. It was all so unexpected, so mind-numbingly shocking, she forgot where reason stopped and insanity began. But maybe it was okay. Maybe she could be madly in love.
'Serena, I know I have no right to be here. I know it's so selfish, but I need you to give me a second chance. I messed up, I know that too, and I will always regret it. But we both know you won't be happy with this guy. You don't belong with him. You belong with someone who loves you, and with someone you love back. I love you, and you love me too. Please, don't marry him. Please...'
They looked at each other, no more words said for a while. And through her tears she saw that look on her face, the one she glimpsed on the night of Blair's wedding, and the one she first saw in his bedroom, a lifetime ago. He wasn't lying. He did love her. And she wasn't sure if she could walk away from that again. In fact, she knew she couldn't.
'Dan, there are three hundred guests and fifty film-crew members in the church. On top of that, there is a man, in a suit, waiting to marry me at a beautiful altar. If you don't take me away from here right now, in less than two hours, I will become Mrs James Temperton. So what are you going to do?'
xoxo
Blair entered Serena's boudoir, prepared to reluctantly drag her best friend down the aisle. Instead she found a note, in her neat handwriting, that said,
'B, I'm sorry, but I'll sacrifice other things in my life. Not love. S.'
Beside the piece of paper rested her engagement ring, the diamond glistening in the sun rays that shone through the large window. She couldn't help but smile. One, because her best friend was finally happy, with the man that was supposed to make her so. And two, because she could finally stir some drama by interrupting the dreadful wedding that could have just happened.
A/N: Okay, here is the last chapter. It's really long, and maybe a bit boring, but I wanted to make it this way to show the quick progression and how meaningless it was for Serena. Anyways, I hope you like it, and please review! Thanks xx
Oh! And there are quite a few unrelated references to 'he' or 'him' in this chapter. If you haven't realised already, they mean Dan, not James.