For disclaimers see Chapter One
THERE'S NONE SO BLIND…
Chapter Three
"…banged up."
They reappeared in Sickbay. The Doctor guided them to the nearest two biobeds, for once without a fuss.
"Commander Tuvok told me that there was a problem with the holodeck. How do you feel, Captain?"
"Just a few scratches, Doctor," she answered and internally smiled at the blatant lie her Chief of Security had told him. "Lieutenant Torres was hit by a Klingon disruptor. See to her first. Kes can tend to me."
Instead of his usual diatribe of patients trying to diagnose themselves he only nodded and turned to the other bed.
B'Elanna tried to look relaxed but now that the adrenaline rush from the fight and the strong wave of battle haze induced arousal had washed over her, she felt more weary than she cared to admit. She stifled a cry by biting her lips when searing pain shot through the injured leg. She knew the Doctor was only doing what was necessary; plasma burns from energy weapons were tricky, almost as tricky as burns from engine plasma.
She tried to keep her mind off the treatment and turned her head towards the other bed. The Captain had her eyes closed while Kes was moving a dermal regenerator over her arms, and she used the rare chance to study her.
With the long hair in a ponytail and the tank-top showing off well developed muscles she looked much younger then in her uniform with her hair in a tight bun. The woman opened her eyes and smiled at her. She smiled back but before any one of them could say anything Tuvok entered Sickbay.
"Report, Doctor."
"Ah, Mister Tuvok. They both will make a full recovery though I want to keep them both under observation for the next couple of hours. The Captain lost a lot of blood and the good Lieutenant had two broken ribs. The plasma burn from the disruptor had already begun to eat away her shinbone. I'll limit her to light duty for the next three days; the same goes for Captain Janeway." the bald Hologram answered, ignoring the angry glances both women gave him.
"Understood. Please let me know when you release them."
"With pleasure, Mister Tuvok."
The tall Vulcan began to turn around when he was called back by B'Elanna. "Lieutenant Commander, a word please."
"Lieutenant Torres?"
"Commander Tuvok, I'm turning myself in for…"
"Lieutenant Torres, I suggest you keep what you do in your time off to yourself – and for any other concerns you'd do better to talk to Captain Janeway. Did I make myself understood?"
"Yes, Sir," she answered though she did not understand, not really. His tone of voice, however, was something she had learned to respect during the hand-to-hand combat lessons under Commander Lomok, a very imposing Vulcan female. With the Commander it had been a sure indicator that her patience with the emotional beings all around her was about to run out – and the young Hybrid had learned her lesson well.
Tuvok slightly bent his head towards the Captain and left. Janeway laughed softly as soon as the door had closed behind him. "With yesterday and today, I think we tried his Vulcan patience a bit too much, B'E… Lieutenant."
"Captain, did you know that apart from Commander Tuvok you are the only person on board able to pronounce my name correctly." The young woman knew she should not even have started saying what she was about to say. It bordered on insubordination. "I like the way it sounds when you say it."
"Then I'll have to say it more often," Kathryn answered.
The Starfleet Captain knew that she had just crossed a line, a line a Captain should never cross; they were supposed to be detached. Her Chief of Engineering could have died in this holo program; so, it had been her duty to go after her but deep down she knew that this was nothing more but a rationalisation.
Kathryn Janeway had been fascinated and attracted by the fiery Klingon-Human-Hybrid since she had first appeared on her bridge and had immediately challenged her decisions like only an enraged Klingon would dare. The young woman's passion had captivated her; perhaps that's why she had been so reluctant to name her Chief Engineer. Pure passion could be as much of an advantage then an obstacle, especially in engineering but B'Elanna had proven herself.
As a Captain she had to keep her distance but Kathryn also knew that she was possibly the only person on board who could help the other woman to balance her Klingon and her Human side.
"B'Elanna, why did you disable the voice commands?"
The dark-haired woman propped herself up on an elbow and looked towards the Captain. Her eyes held no judgement, just honest curiosity; so B'Elanna answered honestly,
"I wanted to make sure that I saw it through to the end. I wanted to take away the chance of me chickening out."
"Your way of fighting might be a bit unconventional, B'Elanna, but you never would run away from a fight."
"Unconventional?"
"Don't get me wrong, you're good and you have the heart of a warrior but the way you move showed me that you probably taught yourself how to wield a bat'leth."
"My mother insisted that I learn to fight like a Klingon but she was only able to teach me the basics of hand-to-hand combat and staff fighting. Shortly after I joined the Maquis, before I met Chakotay, we freed a Cardassian labour camp in the DMZ. Among the captives were Bajorans and Humans and a small group of Klingons, four children and a warrior. I think if not to keep the children safe he would have killed himself. The Cardassian commander initiated a self-destruct but I was able to stop it while he protected my back. When they left for Kronos he gave his bat'leth to me and I found that fighting with it suited me – and it was disconcerting for the Cardies."
B'Elanna fell silent and then asked, "Why did you ask about the voice commands and not the disabled safeties, Captain?"
"Because I usually don't ask questions to which I already know the answer. Without the risk of getting hurt or killed you would not have been able to really vent your anger. But I think it would be better," Kathryn continued after she short look towards the Holo-Doctor standing not too far away and apparently busy with something, "if we tabled this conversation until we're in a more private setting. Try to get some rest now."
B'Elanna obediently settled back on the biobed and closed her eyes. She was exhausted but she also was confused, extremely confused. The Captain had definitively thrown her for a loop today and the night before.
At the beginning she had thought that the woman was nothing but a stuck-up Starfleet busy-body, with regulations running through her veins instead of blood and procedures and protocols instead of brains and guts; but then the damned woman had made her Chief Engineer, though Lieutenant Carey would have been the more appropriate choice. The Starfleet engineer had quickly gotten over his resentment when they had started to really work together and after she had apologised for hitting him and disregarding procedure. She was not in the habit of apologising, so, it had been hard but at least the Starfleet part of her crew had regarded her with a new kind of respect.
The next surprise had been when she found out that she didn't mind following the Captain's orders, even in situations she would have started arguing with Chakotay. Perhaps it had to do with the discovery that the woman was unwaveringly loyal to her crew and would move Earth and Universe for them despite being Starfleet to the core. She also seemed to understand her thought patterns better than anyone else before and didn't seem disturbed by her sometimes rather unconventional solutions.
Janeway was a Starfleet officer; there was no way around it. Starfleet to the core. But was she really? An ordinary Starfleet Captain would have thrown her in the brig after attacking his First Officer, no questions asked. An ordinary Starfleet Captain would not have followed her into a holoprogram with safeties and voice commands off-line. An ordinary Starfleet Captain would not have been able to fight the way she did, to fight like a Klingon warrior. Where did she learn how to wield a bat'leth? It definitively was not taught at Starfleet Academy. Her easy and smooth movements showed precision and a great familiarity with the traditional weapon.
That alone would have been puzzling but there was more. The Captain had known about the lajQo' quvHa'ghachtay; she even had corrected Chakotay's pronunciation. A new wave of anger washed trough her when she thought of what she had allowed to happen, now that she knew what this ritual really was about.
She wanted to blame Chakotay but deep down she also knew that she alone was responsible. She had dishonoured herself. There was not doubt about it and no way around it.
While B'Elanna was still berating herself, the cheerful voice of the Doctor told the women that they were as good as new and free to go.
"Lieutenant, grab a shower and get something to eat. I'll come by in about thirty minutes. We have a lot to talk about."
"Yes, Captain."
-x-x-x-
The young woman was too nervous to eat, much too nervous. An ordinary Captain would have ordered her to the Ready Room; this definitively was not standard operation procedure. The sonic shower did nothing to ease her mind and she paced the length of the living room until the door chimed. She froze and her voice refused to work. The chime was repeated and she finally was able to open the door manually.
"Captain, please come in. Can I offer you something to drink?"
"Not at the moment, thank you. Commander Chakotay told me that he will not defend himself should you decide to press charges for assault and rape."
"Charges? No, it was my fault. I didn't even think of stopping him. I thought he really did what was best for me."
"B'Elanna, Chakotay misused your trust. You're allowed to be angry."
"I am angry. I'm angry at myself. I allowed him to dishonour me – and only because my damn Klingon temper more often than not gets the better of me."
"I know a lot of Humans with a very volatile temper, Lieutenant. Klingon or no Klingon you can learn how to control yourself and how to channel your aggressive tendencies into something more productive."
"I took some lessons with Tuvok, after you made me Chief but I think I really tested his patience. I'm not good at meditating, Captain."
"Vulcan meditation techniques are not for everyone. They certainly don't work for me. See, Lieutenant, Vulcans developed their techniques and their philosophy to overcome their violent past, a past ruled by nothing but emotion. From an early age they learn how to suppress their emotions because they simply are too strong to be contained or controlled. Humans and Klingons on the other hand need their emotions, in everyday life as well as in battle.
"Let me give you an example: Earlier this day, in the holodeck cave with this predator, we had the chance to backtrack after the men had run past us. Neither you nor I even considered it. Why?"
"Going deeper into the cave just felt like the right thing to do, Captain – though now that I think about it, it would have been more logical to go back and take the long way around."
"Yes, it would have been more logical, but would it have been the right decision? Let's have a look."
Kathryn rose from the couch and B'Elanna followed her to the work station. "Computer, deactivate all restrictions on this station except for the translation program. Access the protocol tape for holodeck program Sub-Zero-Four, level six, show infrared overview. Authorisation Janeway Sub Zero Delta Seven."
The monitor came to life and showed six red dots concentrated in one part of the screen, four others about five hundred paces away and another dot much too big to be Human or Klingon in the proximity of their exit point.
The younger woman stared at the screen with widening eyes and then turned her head towards the Captain. "We would have walked right into an ambush had we turned around. How did you know? And why can we see what happened while the program was running? I thought holodeck programs were supposed to be private."
"Usually they are. It's easy to monitor them but it's also considered bad taste. This, however, is a Klingon training program; so slightly different rules apply. And I didn't know, B'Elanna, I followed my heart and my experience. With your words, it just didn't feel right to turn around. I learned to listen to my emotions as long as they don't try to overwhelm me."
"That's what they always do with me. I don't have any control and I end up hurting everyone. I'm so tired of always fighting with myself," the engineer said dejectedly.
"Why did you cover up for Seska and Carey?"
The young woman was a bit surprised that the Captain knew who had been in on the plan with the Sikarian matrix but she took it in stride. "I knew they were determined to get their hands on the matrix and they needed my help to make it work. They are my friends and both of them want to go home desperately. I also was curious; I wanted to see how it works."
Kathryn smiled at the answer but was surprised at the other woman's next words.
"I knew I would disappoint you, regardless of the outcome. Even if the damned thing would have brought us four decades closer to home, I still would have betrayed your trust, Captain. That's what made the whole thing so hard.
"Last night," she continued hesitantly, "when Chakotay came to me, I only stopped him because I suddenly understood that nothing he could say or do to me could possibly have the impact your words in the Ready Room had on me. Your anger and disappointment cut deeper than anything else because you kept yourself so damned calm and quiet."
Deep brown eyes looked into Kathryn's pale blue orbs and the Captain's heart skipped a beat when she saw how young, open, and vulnerable her Chief Engineer allowed herself to be seen. For the fraction of a second she understood to what her First Officer had fallen prey, and she had to sternly remind herself that for both of their sakes she could not afford to give into her baser instincts.
"You're right, I would have been disappointed even if it had worked but that's in the past. Let's get to the matter at hand. First of all, as of this morning, Chakotay is under house arrest for the next nine months. Without making the whole thing public, it was all I could do – except for spacing him. His actions not only violated you, they also revealed a severe flaw in his character, well to put it mildly. I don't trust him any longer and will keep him under close observation, but all in all he is not my main concern. He's not the first Second-in-Command I ever had I had to keep under tight control.
"You, however, are my concern. That stunt you pulled with the holodeck; I don't want something like this to ever happen again. You let yourself be governed by fear and anger. Tell me, why do you treat your Klingon half as if it were your enemy?"
"Because it is. It, she… she always gets me into trouble. Violence is the only answer she has to problems and if something does not work immediately she lashes out. My mother tried to make a Klingon out of me, someone proud of their heritage but I'm not a Klingon. I'm Human with a damn inconvenient Klingon temper. I never wanted to be anything but a Human."
"It's just speculation, B'Elanna, but I think you both were wrong. You're not a Klingon and you're not a Human."
"Then what am I?" the young woman asked, anger beginning to spark in her eyes.
"You are B'Elanna Torres, Human-Klingon-Hybrid, Chief of Engineering on board of the Starfleet vessel Voyager of the United Federation of Planets. It's up to you to find out what that means for you personally and for the people around you. By allowing yourself to be only half of what you are, you never had a chance to reach your full potential. You can have the best of both worlds. You just have to claim it."
To her own surprise the young woman answered, "You don't know how it is, always having to fight yourself. But I'll think about it, Captain. – Captain, why do you know so much about Klingons?"
"It's a long story, B'Elanna, and I'll tell you when the time is right. Did you have a chance to finish the translation I asked you to do?"
"No, Captain. It took me a lot of time to just read and understand the documents you called up. My Klingon is rusty to say the least. And when I was done I was just too angry to do anything productive. I'm sorry, Captain."
"That's alright; it's understandable. I want you to translate these texts, send them to me and then we'll talk. And make sure that it does not interfere with your duties. Be on time tomorrow."
B'Elanna snapped to attention, "Yes Captain."
The older woman turned to go, "Captain, what will be my punishment for disregarding your orders and Holodeck protocols?"
Kathryn smiled at her, "I consider your injuries punishment enough, Lieutenant. And that's not open to discussion."
-x-x-x-
A few minutes later Janeway changed back into her uniform and returned to duty, despite the Doctor's orders. She intended to tackle some of her never ending paperwork, but she had a hard time to concentrate on the personal records that were only due in two days time. Sometimes the energetic woman asked herself why she even bothered; after all, no one would read them in the next seventy-plus years. It was tempting to simply let the routine slide but whenever the temptation got too strong she remembered the advice Boothsby had given her at Starfleet Academy when she had returned there to attend advanced command training after her stay on Kronos.
'Adhere to the small rules religiously and the brass might forgive you the big infraction every good Captain sooner or later will have to commit in the interest of the greater good.'
And getting one's ship stranded on the other side of the galaxy certainly counted as a big infraction.
Kathryn took a deep breath and turned her attention back to the view screen.
Three and a half hours later Janeway relieved Tuvok and took her seat on the Bridge. Beta shift had just started and it promised to be a quiet evening. Commanding the Bridge during Beta shift was something she rarely did, but like her evening strolls through the ship it allowed her to get in contact with a part of her crew with whom she usually had no interaction.
Supervising the routine operations would also keep her from fretting too much about what to tell her Chief Engineer, because if she were honest with herself she was a bit nervous about revealing this part of herself. She knew that there was no way around it if she really wanted to help the young woman to understand herself better.
At the end of Beta shift the sleepless night before, the fight on the holodeck and the long shift made Kathryn drop on top of her mattress and almost instantly fall to sleep.
-x-x-x-x-x-
To be continued in Chapter Four