Author's Note:

For my third and final trick, I shall attempt to give a few more tips without being biting and sarcastic.

Again, my goal is to help newer writers gain readers and reviews - not to discourage them from writing. Please do not feel discouraged or offended. I am here to help!

Grammar! Spelling! Plot! Substance! Readability! By your powers combined, I am CAPTAIN POUNCII! (Captain Pouncii, she's our hero! Gonna take bad fanfics down to zero! Does anybody else remember Captain Planet? Or am I too old to be here?)

Around 10 o'clock, Jennyanydots answered the door in her tiger-striped, leopard-spotted off-brand blanket with sleeves.

"Victoria! I thought you had gone to Eighties Night with everyone else?" She asked, stepping aside to let her in.

"How could I party at a time like this?" Victoria exclaimed, plopping down on the couch. "The CATS fandom needs our help, and fast!" She retrieved a notebook from her bag. "I have some questions written down here that new writers need help with!"

"'With which new writers need help', Dearie," Jennyanydots corrected.

Victoria raised an eyebrow. "But that sounds - nevermind. The first question is, 'Why is it better to use a character's full name instead of a nickname outside of dialogue?'"

Jennyanydots sat down beside Victoria, took her notebook, and began to write an answer underneath the first question. "That is just a suggestion. In my personal opinion, a fanfic flows better when the characters are referred to by their full first names outside of dialogue. If you must use a nickname outside of dialogue, please keep it consistent - otherwise you will end up with something like this."

Old D cautiously approached the counter and sniffed at the box of tacos.

"Don't do it, Deut Loops!" The 'Lonz warned. "Jemmie bought those especially for Dem and Bal as a thank you for helping her with her French homework."

The Deutmeister scoffed. "Cats don't speak French!" He opened the box a tiny bit to take a peek.

"Au contraire, Diggity Deuty." Sir 'Lonzolot said, grabbing the box of tacos and holding them over his head out of Big Daddy Deut's reach.

"Just one! Please, just let me have one! I'm sure that Mimers won't mind. 'Meter and Shake Your Bom Bom won't miss just one taco. One delicious, spicy, crunchy…"

Al suddenly lost his balance, and the box of tacos went flying through the air, cheese and lettuce raining down like metaphorical cats and dogs.

Gutbuster Jones popped his head out from inside the trash can and opened his mouth, inhaling every last taco bit in the same manner a black hole would devour an unsuspecting star.

"NOOOOO!" Deuter-Ron-Burgundy wailed, as he, too, was sucked into the dark pit that was the stomach of Bustopher Jones: The Fat About Town.

"The second question is, 'How do I write a summary so that people will want to read my fanfic?'" Victoria asked.

"Ah, yes," Jennyanydots said. "The first things a reader will notice are your title and summary. You must catch the reader's attention. Here is an example of a bad title and a bad summary." She began to write.

my cats fanfic about bobmalnurita - by Skimbalurinadots

its about bobmarulina im not good at summaries. just read it. i dont own cats.

"That looks terrible," Victoria said flatly. "They clearly didn't put any effort into the title or the summary. That must mean that they put zero effort into the actual story, as well."

"That's exactly right, Dearie," Jennyanydots replied. "Skimbalurinadots has not provided the reader with any information whatsoever. Admitting that she is not good at summaries as an excuse to avoid writing a summary is a sign of laziness, which is likely to appear in the fic, as well. Here is an example of a good title and a good summary."

Unscramble My Heart - by Skimbalurinadots

Old Deuteronomy finds himself craving a breakfast burrito at 2:00 in the afternoon, but Firefrorefiddle's has stopped serving breakfast four hours ago.

"That looks much better!" Victoria said. "Now I'm eager to find out how Old Deuteronomy makes it through such a crisis."

"See? It's amazing what a difference a little effort can make. And because this is a fanfiction site, there is no reason to add a disclaimer about not owning CATS. It should be obvious. What is question number three?" Jennyanydots asked.

"'What if English isn't the writer's native language?'" Victoria read from the notebook.

"These guidelines are for those whose grammatical errors, misspellings, and other mistakes are made due to laziness," Jennyanydots replied. "I have read one fanfic by a Korean author which was written much better than some of the things I've seen written by native English speakers."

"That is what I assumed," Victoria said, closing the notebook. "I hope that writers both new and experienced can benefit from these suggestions."

"As do I," Jennyanydots said, smiling. "Want to go see if the mice I trained instead of ate for some reason will make us some breakfast burritos for a late night snack?"

Victoria nodded, and the two headed to kitchen, feeling confident and fulfilled.

The camera from chapter two pans out, and then zooms in on Bustopher Jones' face outside of Jennyanydots' window.

"Did somebody say 'breakfast burritos?'"

THE END!

(P.S. If you write 'Unscramble My Heart' without crediting me for the idea, I will cut you)