We should be giving of equal time and equal pleasure

For the next week or so, work picked up for both of them, but even in her limited spare time, Jane seemed more distant. Maura was pretty sure Jane was still listening to the podcast when she could, though, based on the times she encountered Jane with her earbuds in and how she quickly shut off whatever she was listening to. But, primarily from the caseload, they didn't get a lot of time together. They would see each other at work, share a smile when they could. Jane was spending a lot more nights at her apartment, given her long hours.

Sometimes, stress manifested itself in an elevated libido for Maura, but evidence suggested it had the opposite effect on Jane. They hadn't even kissed for several days, due to lack of time alone together. Though Maura was also very busy, her work didn't typically come home with her in quite the same way Jane's did, affording her some time to herself in the evening. Which, for several days in the past week, she'd spent indulging in some stress-relieving masturbation.

Tonight seemed like it would be another one of those nights. Jane was working even later than Maura, and would most likely head to her own apartment that night to crash. So Maura went home, heated up some leftovers, had a glass of wine, and ran a bath.

Maura was fully capable of quick-and-dirty masturbation when the situation called for it, but when she had time to indulge, she would. It was practically routine by now. A bath, wine. Aromatherapeutic candles on warmers in the bedroom. Lights low. A playlist of soothing yet intellectually stimulating classical music. Much of this was part of her evening relaxation strategy on nights she spent alone, anyway, the only difference being whether a medical journal or a vibrator ended up in bed with her.

After her bath, she pulled on one of her silky robes—she liked how the sensation of it on her skin alone could make her feel sexy—and opened the drawer deep in her closet containing her sex toys, including some of the ones she shared with Jane. It was always nice to open her drawer and fondly remember pleasant experiences with her toys, but the ones she'd shared with Jane…the affection that welled up in her when she looked at and held the Fusion dildo Jane favored for strap-on use was almost laughable.

She missed Jane that night, a lot. She told herself she could easily accept that this physical and sexual distance (because no matter how hard she was working, Jane had always found ways to keep their emotional ties strong) would be something she could deal with as a "price of admission," as Dan Savage would say, to being with Jane. But after about a week and a half, she simply craved Jane, her body, her touch, the feeling of security her presence evoked.

Maura reclined in her bed with her chosen vibrator of the evening. She didn't need to climax so hard she exhausted herself; she wanted a less intense experience. But that craving remained, and so she reached for her phone.

I hope you've made it home by now.
How are you?

She set her phone aside, not sure whether to even hope Jane would be able to reply. She could still be at work. She let her thoughts drift to Jane, as they so often did in these moments. To the feel of her body as they moved together, her soft skin and wild hair everywhere.

Maura's phone buzzed. She grabbed it eagerly.

Yeah, I'm home. I'm alright, pretty
beat. You?

Maura smirked a little. Maybe there was a way to draw Jane into this. Maura took a picture of herself, from the hem of her robe on her thigh down along her bare legs. She sent the picture to Jane.

This is my evening so far. It's about to
get better.

She bit her lip, holding her phone and watching the picture send, absently running her fingertips over her nipples with her other hand. She saw when Jane received the message, and saw the ellipses signaling a forthcoming reply, and writhed a bit in anticipation.

The picture that appeared was of a manila folder next to a large, greasy slice of pepperoni pizza, the bottom of a beer bottle just in the frame.

Here's what my evening looks like

Maura frowned, eying the greasy pepperoni with distaste. She sighed, switched to her phone's front camera. She didn't take a lot of selfies. She could never quite get her face to look right; the practiced smiles she'd used all her life suddenly appeared insincere under her own scrutiny. But she wasn't trying to send Jane a smile. Instead, she raised her eyebrows and frowned, and angled her camera down, just enough to put her cleavage in the frame. She sent that picture to Jane with no comment.

What? At least I remembered to eat

Wait.

Oh I get it. So you're…

Maura almost laughed, and then took a picture of her fingertips, curling just under the hem of her robe. It was probably the most risqué thing she felt safe sending.

Jesus. Okay. That's nice to think about.

Want to help?

I don't know how much help I'll be

Just tell me what you'd do if we weren't
in the middle of a case and you were
here.

There was no response from Jane at first, and Maura realized she'd taken the wrong tactic. Jane was in a work headspace, and it was nearly impossible to shift her out of that. Maura realized she'd have to take the lead.

Actually, just let me tell you what I'm
going to do to myself.

I can handle that

Maura took a breath. This was harder than the time they were on the phone. It was easier to talk than to type. She had time to consider all her words, which complicated things, and typing them took time. But she decided to start by painting Jane a picture.

I'm in bed, I just got out of the bath,
and I'm only wearing this robe.

Maura considered, but decided neither of them had time for something very drawn out, so she added.

There's a vibrator next to me.

The response was almost immediate.

Yeah? What kind?

Maura grinned at the conversational reply.

It's small, with variable speeds,
designed for clitoral stimulation rather
than internal. I fully intend to use it,
but first I'm going to open my robe,
and touch myself with my hands.

Tell me where, and how it feels

Breasts first. Then I'll let my hands
touch lower.

Maura grasped her own breast as she typed, and then added.

I feel amazing.

What are you thinking about?

You.

I hope you're touching yourself the
way I would touch you.

Maura writhed as she thought about Jane's hands, and the way her touch felt desperate and reverent at the same time. She thought about the way Jane's face went slack and her gaze intensified when she touched Maura's breasts, thought about how her voice sounded when she'd rasped about breast worship, the first time she'd touched them. She could never touch herself the way Jane touched her, but the thought of it seemed to set her skin aflame. A reactionary shiver followed, and Maura watched her own nipples harden beneath her hands.

No one else has ever touched me like
you do. I couldn't come close. But I am
thinking about your hands, as mine
move lower.

Tell me how you're touching yourself

Maura lost patience when she saw the words, and her hands slid down past her hips, fingers slipping into wetness. She moaned, softly. She was rarely loud when she was by herself, but she'd lived alone long enough that she wasn't terribly conscious about being quiet, either. She lay, stroking her fingers over her clitoris, hips beginning to find a rhythm. She wanted to slide the fingers of her other hand inside herself but, she remembered, she needed to still be able to use her phone, and she wasn't sure she trusted the voice to text function.

She realized she hadn't replied, then, and snatched up her phone.

I'm touching my clitoris, and I'm
already so turned on from thinking
about you.

I can't wait until this case is over so I
can put my hands all over you.

It wasn't going to take much more, Maura knew, and she reached for her vibrator.

I'm turning on my vibrator now.

But at almost the same moment, another text from Jane came through.

And my mouth. Because you should
know I've been thinking about that,
too. A lot.

Just reading it made Maura groan, and she dropped the phone, eyes closing in anticipation as she brought the vibrator to herself. She let those words roll through her head as her hips rolled with the new stimulation, pushing closer, until, not even a minute later, Maura was climaxing, thinking about Jane thinking about going down on her, the convoluted fantasy proving to be so unexpectedly potent.

That just made me climax. Thank you.

In reply, she got a smiley face. She was a little disappointed that this was Jane's only reaction, but then the ellipses appeared.

I love that I can do that for you even
from here.

I miss you.

Maura melted a little, settling into her pillows.

Me too. I'll see you tomorrow. Thank
you for indulging me.

Thank you for the mental break from
all these case files. I needed it.

You should sleep soon.

If Jane remembered to eat, that was usually because she was going to forget to sleep.

I will. Don't worry about me.

Maura thought that was the most foolish thing Jane had ever said to her. But she knew it was the wrong time to call her on it. So she settled with.

Good night.

And Maura, at least, did have a good night. When she saw Jane the next day, Jane did look somewhat rested, which cheered Maura a bit. But she didn't really have time to ask Jane if she'd slept, because they both had work to do on the case.

It was another busy day for them both, chasing down leads and examining evidence. Maura saw Jane in a passing a few times during the day, and in the afternoon, Jane came down to the morgue to see if anything new had been discovered.

"Did you actually sleep last night?" Maura finally had a chance to ask.

Jane blinked. "Yeah, I did. Ended up passing out on my couch with a case file not long after we said good night." Her voice was scratchy, still sounding like she'd just woken up.

"You needed it," Maura said.

Jane sighed, "What I need is a break in this case. I've looked over so many case files, my eyes are going to fall out." She met Maura's eyes, stopping Maura from vocalizing her thought, "I know, I know. That's not actually physically possible."

Perhaps unintentionally, or perhaps just to taunt them, the killer had left a clue pointing to a certain year. The homicide team was looking through cold case files from the time, but had now started looking through all the year's case files when nothing relevant turned up.

Jane looked up at her, gaze strained but alert. "Can I come over tonight?" she asked, voice rough.

"Of course!" Maura replied, a bit baffled why Jane was even asking.

"I know I usually don't when I have work, but…I miss you. I'll probably just be reading through case files, though."

"That's fine." Again, it wasn't anything new to have Jane at her house working.

"I just…" Jane glanced around, her voice pitched low, "I just know you miss…doing, uh, things with me, and I didn't want you to have any…expectations."

Maura was unexpectedly hurt by what she knew Jane probably considered a courteous disclaimer. "Well, yes, but I also just miss you. Spending time with you, no matter what we're doing."

Jane's expression softened. "Me, too," she said, her voice warm. "Okay," she nodded, "I'll see you tonight, then, if I don't see you before today is over. Call me if you find anything."

"I will. See you tonight, Jane."

Maura left work first, and when she got home, began to prepare a stir-fry with the vegetables she had on-hand and a package of tofu. It was simple enough to throw together, and would be easy to reheat if Jane left work later than she thought she would. And, most importantly, it was probably the only serving of vegetables Jane had eaten in over a week, unless she'd ordered a supreme pizza one of those nights and had eaten at least some onions and peppers.

Fortunately, Jane arrived home as Maura was still preparing the stir-fry, a box balanced on her arm as she opened the door. She sniffed the air and raised an eyebrow, "That smells amazing," she commented as she set the box on the dining room table.

"You sound surprised." Maura turned away from her cooking to get a beer for Jane. The action always made her feel a bit like Jane's 1950's housewife, and truthfully, Maura got a bit of a subversive, perverse thrill out of that. Especially when Jane's usual response was to hitch up her chin in a subdued, grateful nod.

Jane did exactly that now as she accepted the beer and took a hearty first sip. "I just know it's probably really healthy, so," she shrugged.

"It is healthy, but you'll like it. You typically enjoy my cooking."

"It's a million times better than mine." Jane settled into a seat at the island, eyes lingering fondly on Maura as she turned back to her cooking. Maura felt that gaze, even after she turned around, like warmth. Jane was still watching her as she finished up the cooking and plated the food, and Maura treasured the moment, of Jane being so relaxed, so drawn to her company that she ignored the stack of case files screaming for her attention across the room, even for a few minutes.

They ate dinner together and talked about the little non-case-related news in their lives that they hadn't had a chance to discuss at work, but by the time the meal was over, Maura could tell Jane was starting to feel a little guilty about not working.

"Go ahead," Maura lifted the most recent New Yorker, "I just got this."

Jane nodded and headed for the dining room table, where she'd have plenty of room to spread out, and Maura reclined on the couch with her magazine.

They spent a relaxed night, quietly engaged in different tasks, close enough in proximity to feel comforted by one another. The sound of Jane shuffling papers and sighing was only distracting enough that it made Maura periodically look up from her reading to see Jane, still in a t-shirt and slacks, pushing her hair back from her face as she bent over piles of folders and documents. Jane didn't seem to notice she was being observed, which made the experience feel private, intimate.

Maura finished her magazine and switched to her tablet to read some of the medical journals she didn't receive in print, but not long after that, she began to get tired. It was getting a little late.

She stood up and stretched, and watched Jane's attention shift to her. "I'm going upstairs. You should join me, when you're ready to sleep. I won't mind if you wake me."

Jane smiled, her eyes showing most of her fatigue. "Okay. I will."

Maura went upstairs and finally changed out of her dress, though she didn't change into anything else, since she typically slept in the nude. Jane would probably just strip down to her undershirt and underpants, but she certainly never objected to Maura's nudity in bed since they agreed they were in a relationship. Maura snuggled down into her pillow, imagining Jane sliding into bed behind her, slipping her arm around her, hand cradling her bare breast. The way she'd inhale deeply through her nose and then sigh, pressing her body against Maura's back.

The fantasy felt so real that when Maura woke up a few hours later, she was surprised to realize Jane wasn't in bed with her. She got up and pulled on a robe, then headed downstairs quietly.

Jane was awake, still hunched over the case files on the dining room table. She looked up, alert, at Maura's soft footfalls, then visibly relaxed. "Couldn't sleep?" she asked with a fond smile.

Maura tilted her head, "I slept for a few hours."

Jane blinked and glanced at her watch, "Has it been…Oh. Wow."

Maura nodded, "Do you think you'll come to bed soon?"

Sighing, Jane leaned her head on her hand. "I don't know. I'd like to, but…I'm close to something. I can feel it." She slapped the papers she was currently looking at for emphasis, then sighed. "We have literally no other leads. We can't find anything that matches forensics. There has to be something here."

"Can I make you some tea?" Maura asked sympathetically.

Jane nodded, subdued. "Yeah. I'll come to bed soon," she conceded. She pushed her chair off to one side a bit, shifting her weight and leaning on the table with her left arm.

Maura put water on the stove and noticed that Jane was watching her, idly shuffling papers but not really looking at them. Maura noted her slumped posture, silently assessing the different ways Jane's skeletomuscular system was being strained, and moved toward her, intending to rub her shoulders.

Jane straightened as she approached, attention firmly on Maura, and before Maura could move around her, Jane's right arm encircled her waist, and drew her close. Maura was a bit surprised by the move, but adapted quickly enough, steadying herself on Jane's shoulder as she shifted course to stand next to the chair.

"Hey," Jane said, almost gruffly, as her left hand settled on Maura's thigh, just above the hem of her robe.

"Hey," Maura returned, abruptly more awake. She brushed Jane's hair back and leaned over to kiss her forehead.

Jane straightened, tilting her head up to kiss Maura. Mindful of her dry mouth and possible sleep breath, Maura kept her mouth closed, but the kiss lingered. Maura's hands settled on Jane's shoulders, and then Jane's arm was tugging, gently. To keep her balance, Maura's knee ended up on Jane's chair, between her legs, and her right arm braced herself on the table next to her. She looked questioningly at Jane, because there was no way she could comfortably fit on Jane's lap in this chair at this angle, and she wasn't sure what Jane was attempting.

As if in response, Jane's left hand slid beneath Maura's robe, fingers stroking her hipbone. Jane's breath caught when she realized Maura wasn't wearing anything beneath her robe, and she looked up, eyes seeming darker. Her fingers brushed gently between Maura's legs, still watching, waiting for a reaction. Maura felt heat spread through her body, steadily rousing it from its restful state, and she settled herself more firmly in position, half on Jane's chair. Jane bit her lip, and one finger gently parted Maura's outer labia, though she was barely touching anything. Maura let out a whimpering sigh and pushed her hips forward encouragingly, and then Jane's fingers were gently pressing against her, slowly circling over her clitoris.

"Yes," Maura whispered, the word ending in a light hiss. She pressed her knee forward, between Jane's legs, trying to give Jane something to rock against, but she couldn't do much more with Jane's arm holding her in place. She just gripped Jane's shoulder and the table, keeping her balance, as Jane's fingers gradually moved faster.

Though Maura was certainly moaning, the hour and the relatively low-key nature of the sex meant that the sounds she made were fairly subdued. Until Jane's fingers moved, and slid to press inside Maura. Caught off guard, Maura groaned loudly, her hips pressing back against Jane's hand, and she had to grip Jane's shoulders with both arms to keep her balance as her body drove her forward. She was straddling Jane's leg, arms draped around her, hips rolling involuntarily as Jane's fingers pushed fully inside, her thumb on Maura's clit.

Jane looked up at her, hand stilling, "You okay?" she asked, smirking a little.

"Yeah," Maura said breathlessly, but she couldn't articulate anything else, so she just whimpered and tried to press her knee harder against Jane.

Jane's fingers were moving, now, but it was slower, more like a massage than thrusting, and Maura's eyes rolled back when Jane's thumb mirrored the movements on her clit. She could hear that she was making louder sounds now, and she looked down at Jane, biting her lip. She wasn't embarrassed to be loud, but it seemed amplified in the quiet night.

Jane just looked triumphant, and her eyes flicked down to Maura's breasts, where her robe was starting to come undone. Jane's mouth caught the fabric and wrested it aside a bit more, and she was nipping and nuzzling at whatever she could reach on Maura's breasts as her hand continued to move.

Maura's orgasm had been building slowly, since the moment Jane started touching her, yet it also seemed to escalate quickly as her body woke back up. And as Jane peered up at her from where she was nuzzling between her cleavage, Maura broke. She gripped Jane hard, feeling her whole body tremble, as she pushed herself wantonly against Jane's hand.

When her orgasm subsided, she had slumped down, allowing Jane to steady her. Jane removed her hand gently and kissed Maura's forehead and cheeks before reaching her lips. "Couldn't resist," she spoke softly, "It was all I could think about when you came downstairs in that robe and your legs…" she trailed off, looking down between their bodies at the way Maura's robe was barely covering her.

The tea kettle whistled, reminding Maura of what she had been doing, and she marveled at how quickly everything had happened. She got up unsteadily, with Jane's hand on her elbow to help, and hurried over to turn off the stove, retying her robe as she went. Jane followed, washing her hands at the sink, and leaned against the counter drying her hands, watching Maura fill the teapot.

"Seems like a lot of work for a cup of tea," she said, lightly snarky.

"Two cups, technically," Maura responded.

The sound of a door closing caught Maura's attention, and Jane jolted, just slightly, at the sound. Her posture straightened and her eyes darted.

"Your mother is probably home," Maura said casually, by way of explanation.

The color drained from Jane's face. "Oh my God. And we didn't have a sock on the door. She could've…"

Despite Angela's tendency to be very involved in her family's lives—and Maura felt proud every time she was reminded that she was considered part of Angela's family—she'd had a conversation with Maura when she first moved in about wanting to respect her privacy, and even as they'd grown closer, she'd maintained that boundary. "It's extremely uncommon for her to come up to the house at this hour, and anyway, it's highly unlikely that she could have seen or heard anything."

"I dunno. You were pretty loud." But Jane was smirking again, and her gait was more relaxed as she hung back up the hand towel and moved back toward the dining room table. She was standing over her documents, frowning, as the tea steeped, and still hadn't sat down by the time Maura poured her a cup and brought it over. "Thanks," she grunted distractedly.

Maura sipped her tea, waiting to see if Jane was going to sit back down again. She had been considering suggesting that she perform cunnilingus on her, but perhaps the moment had passed, with everything that had happened since she climaxed. Jane proceeded to ask her a few specific questions about her forensic findings, shuffled through some folders, and then she was picking up her phone. "What are you doing?" Maura asked.

"Calling Korsak," Jane answered distractedly, navigating on her phone.

"It must be almost one in the morning."

"He'll answer. I think you just helped me break the case." She brought the phone to her ear.

"How?" Maura asked, perplexed.

"Cleared my head. I'll come to bed in a few. Hey, Korsak," her tone abruptly shifted as she focused on the call. Maura headed back upstairs, looking over her shoulder at Jane pacing animatedly and flipping through files as she told Korsak what she'd found. She always felt a surge of pride when she got to see Jane work through a case.

Jane did, indeed, come to bed a few minutes later, and Maura's initial fantasy of the evening came true. They both slept better than they had in a week.

However, it was sleep defined by quality rather than quantity, because Jane woke up fairly early, especially for her. She used the bathroom, but instead of getting back in bed like Maura hoped, she began pulling back on her clothes. She kissed Maura's forehead and murmured, "I have to go home and get ready to go in so we can finish this case. I'll see you there."

Maura frowned at the clock, but didn't argue. "See you at work," she agreed tiredly, and Jane hurried out. But the half-empty bed, devoid of Jane's warmth and the sound of her breaths, wasn't as appealing, and Maura found herself getting up, too, and heading into work early.

They wrapped the case that day, and that evening, Jane came over again. Maura couldn't help but think about the fact that she hadn't gotten Jane off the previous night, and also that, according to their sexts two nights before, Jane had been thinking about cunnilingus. Maura wasn't about to push the latter, but she was eager to help Jane relieve some stress after working that case so hard.

Jane had basically followed her home, and was quick enough to retrieve her own beer as she removed her badge and gun while Maura was still looking through her mail. Maura opened a bottle of wine and looked in her fridge, trying to plan dinner. "What are you in the mood for tonight?" she asked, allowing her tone to be mildly suggestive.

Jane shrugged and slumped into a seat at the island. "Pizza. Grilled cheese. Ice cream," she said, a bit sullenly.

Maura eyed her, concerned by her low mood. "I can do grilled cheese," she said gently, and Jane smiled a little. Food seemed to revive Jane somewhat, and she didn't even complain about the tomatoes and basil on her sandwich. Maura waited until Jane had finished half of her plate before attempting conversation. "What would you like to do tonight?" she asked.

"I dunno. I figured we could relax and watch something," Jane suggested.

Maura nodded. She was still trying to puzzle out why Jane seemed moody. "Well, if you want me to help you relax, I would be happy to. After all, you helped me these past few nights."

Jane grinned, "You helped me crack the case last night with your irresistibility. You don't owe me anything."

"It's not about owing," Maura replied, "I'm offering because I want to, if you want me to."

Jane stared back at her plate and was quiet for a few moments as she ate. Finally, she said, "I don't want you to be disappointed, but…I can't."

Maura blinked. She was a little disappointed, but mostly, she was curious. "Can't" wasn't a word that Jane used lightly. "I accept your decision," she said.

"It's not really my decision," Jane sounded frustrated, and she sighed. "Fine. I…" she lowered her voice, still speaking to her plate. "I got my…female visitor today."

"You're menstruating?" Maura asked. Jane seemed to shrink in embarrassment at the words, which was endearing, if a little odd. They'd been pretty candid about these sorts of things for most of their friendship, though Jane did tend to describe her condition using euphemisms. Still, Maura wasn't put off. "Well, orgasm is supposed to be very good for menstrual symptoms. I would be happy to—"

"Whatever you're about to say…no," Jane said firmly. "It's day one. I'm a crampy, bloated mess, and I don't want anyone to come near me."

Though Maura was still pretty unfazed by Jane's assessment of her condition, she understood just plain being too uncomfortable for anything sexual. "I have a heating pad, if you'd like that," she offered instead.

Jane half-smiled. "That would be great, actually." She shook her head, "I just didn't want you to be too disappointed. I know we talked about…things after the case was over."

Maura collected their dishes, "Well, nothing's stopping us from talking now. If you're up for that," she amended, considering the possibility that Jane's libido was currently so low that even talking about sex would repulse her. Though, perhaps her embarrassment and frustration about her condition suggested the opposite. Maura also considered the possibility that Jane was feeling aroused, but felt uncomfortable with its juxtaposition with her menstruation. There had to be a reason Jane was suddenly ashamed to talk about it, beyond, of course, the obvious fact that it always was a little awkward to tell someone you were sleeping with that you were experiencing menses.

"We can talk," Jane said, though her tone was a bit listless.

"Have you been listening to the podcast?" She put the dishes in the sink, and gestured for Jane to follow her to the couch.

"Some. When I needed a distraction." Jane followed, and Maura invited her to sit, then draped the couch blanket over her.

"I'll be right back," she said, and hurried to the hall closet to find her heating pad. "Have you heard anything that interests you?" she called as she headed back into the front room.

"Watersports sounded fun until I looked it up," Jane said when Maura got close, sounding uncomfortable.

Maura plugged in the heating pad and handed it to Jane, though she was smiling. "Oh, that really isn't so bad."

"Oh, my God. Ew, Maura. Don't tell me you've…"

"Jane, I would appreciate it if you wouldn't kink-shame me, especially considering it isn't my kink," Maura interrupted firmly. Jane's mouth closed and her eyes went wide, and she stared at Maura, equal parts shocked and proud and hurt. "It's something I did for a partner once, and it turned them on so much, we had amazing sex in the shower afterwards. Besides, fresh urine from a healthy individual is nearly sterile. It's a safe, harmless kink."

"I…really didn't need to know all that," Jane said quietly.

"I'm not ashamed of any of it," Maura said, still feeling a little defensive.

"I'm not saying it because I think any less of you, I just…it can be hard to hear about stuff with your exes sometimes. It always has been."

Maura began moving toward the kitchen. "I see. Not being a very jealous person myself, I don't—"

"Oh, please, Maura. I love you, but you're such a dumb genius sometimes. You were absolutely jealous of Casey," Jane said, but her tone wasn't accusatory. It was amused.

Maura stopped, thrown initially by Jane's tone, then she fully processed Jane's words and turned around. "Do you realize what you just said?"

"What? That? I've said it before," Jane frowned.

"No, you haven't," Maura informed her, still a bit stunned, as she began moving back toward Jane, her business in the kitchen now forgotten.

"Nah, I did. Like we when made up after the stuff with Tommy."

"No. I said that. You said you hated hating me."

"Same thing. I know I've said it, though…" Jane trailed off thoughtfully, but Maura understood. She may have never actually spoken the words, but she'd said it a million different ways. It wasn't a revelation that Jane loved her, but confirmation of her belief was satisfying.

Maura chuckled once, shaking her head, and the rest of what Jane said resurfaced. And, she realized, Jane was absolutely right. It was frightening to not even be able to recognize and interpret her own emotions. "Jane?" Jane blinked and refocused on her. "You're right. I was jealous of Casey."

"Hey," Jane said, her voice velvety-soft, and she tugged Maura's hand gently, pulling her down to sit next to her, "This is why I try not to think about the past. I'm too happy here with you to look back."

Maura smiled, but she had to be honest, "I don't consider acknowledging past experiences as living in the past. I'm merely accepting that these people are part of my history, and shaped me to be who I am."

"Okay, and I'm grateful to them for it, but I don't see what good it does to make you think about my engagement to Casey, or to make me think about how Ian is the love of your life," she spat the words.

Maura blinked, feeling foolish that she once believed that, and surprised that Jane remembered it, but she shook her head. "You weren't an option," she said, and she was frustrated as she heard her voice break. She wished fervently that she could consciously control her lacrimal glands.

Jane reached for her immediately. "I'm sorry," she said quickly, and Maura melted into her embrace. Jane was the only person she'd ever let touch her when she was upset. She wondered if Jane knew that.

"Don't be sorry," Maura said, "I love you, too."

"I know that," Jane scoffed, but it just made Maura smile.

Maura pulled away, feeling better already. "Want some ice cream?"

"Hell yes. Ice cream and beer is the best combination."

"You think beer pairs well with everything," Maura teased over her shoulder.

"I…nope. I can't refute that. You're not wrong."

"Did you know it also pairs well with a golden shower? Or so I hear."

"Maura!" Jane sounded scandalized, "Yeah, please keep yelling it throughout the house, I'd love for my mother to overhear us talking about that." But then she was laughing.

Maura brought over the ice cream, "Your mother is not even home."

"Still," Jane said, accepting her spoon.

Maura opened Netflix, thinking for a moment as she did about Jane's mother. She and Jane had more or less decided without specifically discussing it that they were keeping their sexual relationship between them, because the sex was just about the only thing that had changed in their relationship, and that was private. But was it? Maura felt that if they were actively hiding it, that the people in their lives perhaps had the right to know, but at the same time, this wasn't something she wanted to push Jane into.

They had been sharing the pint of Ben & Jerry's and scrolling through Netflix together for about a minute when Jane said, "Can I ask you something?"

"You can ask me anything," Maura reminded her.

"That motel room. That was totally the first time we had sex, wasn't it?"

"It is if it feels like it to you. You are allowed to validate your own experiences." Truthfully, to Maura, the muscle worship scene felt like the first time, but she knew her definition of sex might be broader than Jane's.

"It was. I thought of it as helping me masturbate, but it was."

"Does it bother you?" Maura asked, concerned now. She hadn't felt like she was pushing Jane's boundaries at the time, but had she coerced?

"Not at all," Jane said without hesitation, "But I guess all this is making me realize. I really don't know that much about sex. Or myself, really."

"I'll help you any way I can," Maura said.

"You are," Jane smiled, "You do."