A/N I just want to say thank you to all of you who have already favorited/followed this story. Enjoy!

Alex's POV

I feel terrible for not being able to save Derek. Meredith hates me now, and because Jo broke up with me just before Derek died, I have no one. It hurts, the pain of knowing I killed my person's husband, you just don't do that to your person. I have been taking drugs, getting high, and I have been drinking. I never drive high or drunk, and it helps, for a few hours I can just forget that I killed one of the best neurosurgeons in the country. My pager goes off. I get up, then sit down, how many pills did I take? Did I take any? I can't remember, I don't feel high. I'll go see what it is. I hastily put my pills in my bag and my alcohol under the desk. It is late at night, and no one else is here, well no one that uses my office. I go down to the ER.

I walk into the ER, Meredith is here, ugh, she hates me and it hurts. I head over to my patient. Meredith walks over to me and, looks at my face. She then pulls me away from the patient.

"Get off me, lady. I know I am beautiful but I have a patient." I say, sarcastically. I didn't really mean it but whatever it isn't going to hurt anyone.

"Oh no. You are not treating that patient, not like this." Meredith whispers.

"Get off me. I need to save some dying little kid." I say at a normal volume, I don't know what is going on with the patient, maybe they are dying maybe they aren't.

"I'm dying!?" A little girl wails,"I didn't mean to do that. Fuck, now a little girl thinks she is dying. Maybe I am higher than I thought. I watch as Meredith reassures the mom and the kid. She gets the nurse to page Arizona to take the case and then she drags me into a supply closet.

"Alex, what on earth are you doing? Getting high at work, are you insane? Did you really think that we would let you operate on a child well under the influence? Did you really think no one would notice that you are higher than a kite?"

"Get off me, lady," I say, not wanting to say her name because it hurts to do so. Meredith then exits the closet and next thing I know a security guard is dragging me to my locker in the attending's lounge so I can change and get my stuff. He takes me so I can stop by my office to grab my bag, he doesn't see the liquor, so I leave it not wanting to risk trying to take it. He then drives me home. I hate this, now I have to take a cab or a bus to work tomorrow, yuck.

I sleep for a few hours, it is kinda restless but it is sleep. I sleep until I hear a knock on my door. I get up in nothing but a muscle shirt and boxers and go answer the door. I open it, it's Meredith.

"What do you want? It is 3 am." I ask, slightly pissed off.

"I wanted to make sure you weren't laying on your living room floor dying from an overdose!" She says loudly but not too loudly, because I have neighbors all around.

"Well I wasn't, I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep unsuccessfully because your dead husband's face keeps popping into my head," I say. We don't move or say anything for a minute or so then she pushes her way past me into my apartment.

"Well, I had to make sure because let's see all the drugs you have in your magical man purse of fun." She says grabbing my bag from the floor she walks over to my table and sets the bag down. She unzips it. "Ok, let's see, Codeine, that's fun. What else oh we got some Percocet, oh is this what I think it is? It is oh man I might have to take this I mean, gotta love Morphine. Oh look, a dear friend Zolpidem, what else, Dilaudid Hydromorphone, Xanax alprazolam, and we got some Vicodin and Narcotic syrups with codeine and hydrocodone, yum. Should I continue?" She asks.

"It's my life, and if I want I can take drugs. Shouldn't you go home and be with your kids?" I ask.

"Well, my kids are important my person is too." She says. I roll my eyes. "I am trying to grieve, and I was finally starting to be ok again, and it seems you just moved on! It seems you went from me to drugs. Are drugs your new person. Do they tell you their problems, do tell them your problems, do you guys crawl into each other's beds?" She asks shouting and I think starting to cry but I can't tell because there are no lights on.

"No."

"Then why the hell are you doing drugs, Alex. Are you stupid? Do you want to die? And what about at work today, I could've gotten you fired right on the spot!" She shouts.

"Well thank you for not," I say. there is silence for a moment. "I think you need to leave," I say.

"And I think you need to stop doing drugs."

"Get out," I say.

"Not until you get rid of those drugs." She says.

"I am keeping the drugs but you are going," I say.

"No, I'm not."

"Then I will have to pull a page out of Meredith Grey's book," I say still standing near the door. I turn around and hit a button for an intercom that goes right to the security officers downstairs. "Hi, this is apartment 23-E. There is a woman in my apartment and she is refusing to leave, could someone please come and escort her out?" I say into the intercom. It is fuzzy for a minute then a voice says someone will be up right away. "I think you are leaving," I say.

"Alex!" She says.

"No. You are not the boss of me. And this is MY apartment, and I decide who comes and who goes and when they come and when they go, and you are going, right now," I say and open the door for the security officer who knocked well I was talking. He comes in, and grab's Meredith by her arm. "Thank you, officer," I say and shut the door behind them. I go over to my kitchen and grab a bottle of hard liquor from the counter, I don't know what it is because I didn't bother to check the label, but I will know soon enough, I take a big swig of whiskey and head back to bed, not wanting to have a hangover tomorrow morning so I can go to work.

The next morning I get up and shower, I get dressed and make some coffee. I put my coffee in a travel mug and call a cab. I make sure to get dropped off a few blocks away from the hospital, it is windy but it isn't too bad. I get to the hospital with a few minutes to spare, so I sit and drink my coffee. Arizona then comes into the attending's lounge.

"Hey Alex, I saw you walked into the hospital, what was with that." She asked getting coffee from the machine.

"I walked to work."

"Don't you live like, a mile from the hospital?" She asks.

"Yeah, so."

"The wind is horrible out there it is gusting up to like nearly 40 miles an hour." She says.

"It was just a little wind. I have to go." I say, not want to get grilled for another 10 minutes; I sit in my office. I spin in my chair and something catches me eye, someone left the filing cabinet open. I go over to close it and see that it holds the files of all patients I have lost. Thankfully the drawer isn't very full. The cases that are in there, however, can be haunting, but the one that will haunt me forever is Derek's. I grab his file and sit back down. I open it and find the surgeon and the surgery reports. A report, written by me after the operation, and a report written by a nurse as the operation is being done. I read them both. I did everything right. There was nothing more I could've done. I wish that I could've but I really couldn't. I look at the time, I put the reports back in the file and put the file back in the drawer. I close the drawer and head off to do rounds.

Later I am eating lunch in the cafeteria when Meredith comes and sits down beside me.

"I read your report of the operation. I think you should've put him on bypass and tried to save the pancreas, it could've at least bought him more time." She says.

"Meredith, you and I both know it wouldn't have worked, I did everything I could to save him, I did EVERYTHING. I broke protocol, to try and save him. I should've let him go after three hours but I didn't give up until he was at his end, his body was done, I did everything Meredith. You know I did, but you are still sad and you're trying to find holes. You're looking for a needle in a haystack that was never there." I say pick up my tray, drop it off at the garbage can, and leave.

Meredith's POV

I read the surgery report and the surgeon's report. Alex could've tried bypass, it might not have worked but it would've been better than waiting for new organs. He did what he should've but not everything he could've. And because of that Derek is dead. Alex will never stop being that guy. He did his best but it wasn't enough he will forever be the person who killed Derek. I go do what I have to do, but I will talk to Alex.

Later I find him in the cafeteria, I tell him about the bypass idea. He says it wouldn't have worked, I try to talk to him but he leaves. After he shot it down. I send him a text, please stop doing drugs it says, but he doesn't reply. Later that night I phone Christina.

"Hey," I say when she picks up.

"What's wrong."

"I read Alex's surgeon report, he should've put Derek on bypass, and tried to save the pan-" But she cuts me off.

"Mer, you and I and Alex, all know it wouldn't have worked. He did his best."

"Well he isn't doing his best now, he has gotten into all kinds of drugs, and he is taking them with alcohol," I say.

We talk about Alex doing drugs for a bit.

"Wish I had been at the hospital the night Derek died, maybe I could've saved him. I mean I'm a general surgeon, it was a general surgery case." I say.

"I know," Christina says.

"I would've done everything to save Derek, I miss him so much. This past month has been so hard." I say.

"It would be a lot easier if you would just forgive Alex."

"I wanted to but then I saw him doing drugs, and drinking and I couldn't," I explain.

"You really should talk to him. I mean, maybe he just did them at the start but got hooked maybe he wants to stop but can't. Meredith, he might need you just as much as you need him." Christina says.

"You're right, I'm gonna go talk to him," I say and hang up because Christina and I don't need to say goodbye. I tell Amelia I am leaving and go to Alex's apartment. I knock on the door. He slurs the word coming and I can hear him coming to answer the door.

He answers. "Oh, it's you.' he says. "Here to yell at me for my life choices." He asks.

"I came to apologize and help you get sober."

"I don't want or need help, not from you." He says.

"Alex, I want to say I am sorry but I don't know if I can, you're so high and drunk that I don't know if I can forgive you," I say.

"Fuck off." He says.

"You need to stop doing drugs," I say.

"I WILL DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO!" He screams.

"Alex, you're gonna end up overdosing and no one will know until you are found dead," I say.

"I DON'T FUCKING CARE!" He shouts. He picks up an empty bottle but before he can do anything I rush out, scared. As soon as I am out of the building I puke. I head home regretting what I just did.

I try to sleep, but I can't. I am losing my life. I lost Derek, and everyone looks at me differently now. I keep fighting with Alex, and I am losing everyone I care about. People don't invite me out to fun things anymore, and everyone looks at me like I am two seconds away from crumbling. I hate it. If my life was a path, I have stumbled off and am hanging onto it by tree roots on the cliff wall below. I hate it, but I don't know if I can do anything about it.