"Please have mercy on me, great warrior! My feeble wits are no match for your incredible skill!" the Stormcloak pleaded. Chickenlad the Invincible held the tip of his blade, Bah-Gok, under the Stormcloak's chin. Of the 58 men sent by Ulfric to slay the mighty poultry, this poor fool was the last one alive. Chickenlad the Invincible cocked (no pun intended) his head, the sun shining brightly off his beak as he stared at the man begging for his life. "Very well," Chickenlad said as he lowered Bah-Gok from the man's throat. "I, Chickenlad the Invincible, shall spare your pathetic life." The Stormcloak smiled evilly at the heroic rooster. "Fool!" he said. ""You have fallen into our trap! NOW!" he yelled. About 100 more of Ulfric Dickhead's lackeys appeared from nowhere to attack the courageous birdman. Chickenlad swiftly looked to his left, then back at the man before him. With the slightest move of his wrist, he beheaded the man and turned his attention to the soldiers rushing him. Completely unfazed by their sudden appearance, Chickenlad casually walked to the nearest goon and effortlessly blocked the man's sword with his own before barely moving his arm, cutting the man in half at the waist, sending his top half a few feet up into the air and to Chickenlad's right. Another Stormcloak charged at him waving a double sided axe. The man swung at Chickenlad who easily sidestepped out of the way. With the lightest swing of his hand, Chickenlad cut the axe-weilding man in half just below the armpit. The man's upper torso flipped away from his body as the rest of him slumped to the ground. To his left, a female Stormcloak ran at him, yelling as she held her greatsword over her head. Chickenlad turned to her, smiled and winked at her. The woman slowed to a stop and let her weapon slide from her hands to the ground behind her as she blushed and held her hands to her cheeks bashfully. The rest of Ulfric's idiots formed a tight mob and ran at him, thinking safety in numbers. Chickenlad pulled his head back, puffed out his chest and yelled "COCK-A-DOODLE-FUS!" The Stormcloak mob was suddenly hit by an intense gust of wind and went flying off a nearby cliff, screaming as they went. Victorious, the master chicken walked up to the blushing woman and said "Victory is mine, my dear." The woman instantly ripped off her clothes and said "Make love to me!"
"...and that's the story of my great ancestor Chickenlad." Ernie the giant chicken said to Peter. "You are so full of crap." Peter said as he walked away. "Don't you turn your back on me!" Ernie yelled before he threw a brick at Peter. Peter roared with rage and charged the giant chicken, resulting in a 45 minute chicken fight which we will not be covering. Anyway, back into the past...
"Wabbajack!" Grog shouted as he turned a beer mug into a toilet seat. "Will you stop doing that?" Delphine asked him as she held her hands on her hips. "Nope." Grog burped back at her. "I don't know why I bother." Delphine shook her head as she walked away. Lucien entered the bar not looking happy. "Dude, what's up?" Grog said wearing a plate like a hat. "The door to the Riverwood Traders is gone, there's a gloryhole in my ceiling and some elf chick is banging my sister. How would you be?" Lucien asked him. Grog thought for a moment. "Probably not that bad." he replied while balancing the toilet seat on his nose. "Figures." Lucien said, rolling his eyes as Vincent, the dude who looks like (and now is) a lady and Clara, the other woman wandered in. "Wabba-jack!" Grog shouted again as he turned a a turkey leg some guy was about to eat into a dildo. "Ah, come on!" the guy said. "Don't mind if I do." Clara said as she grabbed the dildo and Vincent by the hand, taking both of them into the nearest empty room and shutting the door. Grog, having seen what just happened, immediately stood up, threw his arms victoriously in the air and loudly said "Hooray for lesbians!" "Yay!" several of the bar patrons rather half-assed cheered. Inside the room, Clara was quickly yanking her clothes off. "What are you doing?" Vincent asked her. "I'm horny, we have a dildo and I want to fuck. Take off your clothes ." she said as she finished undressing. "But what about me? I'm a woman now!" Vincent rebuked. "You fucked me when you were a man so why should now be any different?" Clara asked as she pulled Vincent's pants and underwear down. "I wouldn't know how to fuck you now!" Vincent replied as Clara unbuttoned her shirt, leaving her naked too. "Then let me show you." Clara said seductively as she slowly leaned in to kiss Vincent. As the two women slowly kissed, Clara reached up and cupped Vincent's left breast with her hand, squeezing it tenderly. Vincent moaned into her mouth as her breast was squeezed. Certainly a new experience for her. As Clara ran her left hand down Vincent's side and rested it on her hip, Vincent wrapped one arm around Clara's neck, the other resting on her back, bringing her in for a deeper kiss before sticking her tongue in her lover's mouth. Their tongues wrestled, feeling and exploring each other's mouths. As the (apparently now lesbian) lovers kissed, Vincent leaned back, both of them landing softly on the bed. Clara pulled away and kissed her way down Vincent's jaw to her neck where she stopped and sucked, leaving a decent sized hickey. Vincent moaned as the kisses and sucking moved farther down her throat to her collarbone. "Mmm, that's feels so nice." she said as she ran her fingers through Clara's brown locks. Clara smiled as she lightly kissed her way down to Vincent's breast, licking around the areola before wrapping her lips around the nipple and sucking on it hard. "Ahhh!" Vincent moaned as Clara sucked, licked and lightly bit on the erect nipple. As Clara did this, her hand went to Vincent's other breast, squeezing and pinching her other nipple. ""You like this, baby?" Clara asked, the nipple still in her mouth. "I love it." was the answer she got. "Then you'll love this!" she said before kissing her way down Vincent's torso to between her legs. Clara stopped before reaching Vincent's cunt and blew lightly on her slightly damp pussy. Taking the loud moan as a sign to continue, Clara aggressively pushed her mouth into Vincent's vagina and motor-boated her before sticking her tongue between her wet folds. "Oh gods!" Vincent moaned as a new type of pleasure washed over her. Clara licked viciously as she continued to motor-boat her companion. "Ahh, ahh... AHHH!" Vincent screamed as she came, her hips bucking uncontrollably. Clara's tongue moved to the bottom of Vincent's wet slit and slowly moved up to her clitoris. She dragged her tongue slowly and heavily around the bundle of nerves, torturously pleasuring the woman beneath her. Vincent shut her eyes tight and held her mouth closed, holding in a moan as she came again, her juices flowing onto the other woman's face. Clara kissed Vincent's cunt lips, giving them one final lick before she pulled away. She placed a couple kisses up Vincent's torso as she moved up her body. "So what do ya think?" Clara smiled flitatiously as she looked into Vincent's eyes. "That was incredible! I never felt anything like it!" she said breathlessly. "So jerking off was never that good?" Clara asked. "Not by a long shot!" her lover replied before they kissed. "If you liked that, you're gonna love this." Clara said as she inserted her middle finger into Vincent's soaking wet pussy. Vincent moaned louder than before as Clara moved her finger in and out rapidly. As she climaxed a third time, Vincent sat up, her chest pressing hard into Clara's breasts. "We aren't done yet." Clara said as she removed her finger, much to the dismay of her squeeze. Clara reached behind her and brought the dildo into view. "Now it's your turn to know what it's like to have a dick inside you." she said before sliding the dildo into Vincent's slick, wet folds. As she pumped the dildo inside Vincent, she reached down with her free hand and began fingering her own pussy. "Kiss me! Fucking kiss me you cunt!" Vincent hissed as the dildo slid in and out of her. Clara kissed her fiercely. Her lower body moving on its own accord to rub their pussies together, she decided 'fuck the dildo, I'll scissor this bitch'. She quickly discarded the dildo and rubbed her pussy against the other, both women moaning loudly. Cunts together, juices mixing, both women came violently, cum gushing from their snatches. Satisfied and exhausted from their fuck, they collapsed into a sweaty heap on the bed. Clara rested her head on Vincent's collarbone, her hand at the nape of Vincent's neck. "That was amazing!" she said tiredly dragging her hand over Vincent's sweaty skin. But now you're a woman, we can't keep calling you Vincent." she stated, her finger circling a still erect nipple. The other woman looked at her. "Then call me Vin." Clara looked in her eyes. "Vin huh? I like it." she said before lovingly kissing Vin. The kiss ended and they snuggled as they both fell asleep. "I swear those two are worse than teenagers." Delphine said as she walked out of her room. She looked around the bar and went "Seriously?!" Each table was raised noticeably where each guy in the bar was sitting. Back at the Riverwood Traders, Crownoh held his arms out slightly and said "Come on, everyone but me is getting laid!" Miria pulled her face out of Camilla's pussy and looked over her shoulder at him, light reflecting off the sweaty curve of her ass. "Damn right." she said before going back to eat Camilla out some more. Camilla looked at him and shrugged innocently.
The next day, Crownoh walked into the bar. "Wabbajack!" Grog shouted before turning one guy's chair into a toothpick chair. "For fucks sake man, come on!" the guy shouted. "What's he doing?" Crownoh asked. "Wabbajack!" The kettle in the middle of the bar exploded into shrimp. "Damn it Grog. Will you stop...uh... Wabbajacking off?" Crownoh said. Grog looked at him like he just had the most brillant idea in the world. "Wabbajacking off, huh? I like it." he proudly said, raising a finger and nodding it to him. "Fuck, man! Don't encourage him!" the bartender said. "Wabbajack!" Grog yelled before turning the bartender into a newt. The newt wiggled around on the floor for a few seconds before turning back into his human form. "I swear if you do that one more gods damn time I'm gonna ban you!" the bartender growled. "What's wrong?" Delphine asked as she walked out of her room. I swear she's always in there when shit goes down. "He turned me into a newt!" the bartender said pointing. "A newt?" Delphine asked not believing him. The bartender shifted his weight slightly. "...I got better..." he said. Noticing she was distracted, Grog snuck up behind Delphine and pulled her pants down so everyone could see her panties. Grog and all the other men in the bar started laughing at her. Dephine looked around, pulled her pants up and screamed in anger. "Uh oh..." Grog said before Delphine drop kicked him. Outside the bar, people could hear Delphine yelling, shit breaking and bar patrons screaming. "Oh shit, something's going down in the bar!" Miria said to Camilla (who were both outside wearing clothes this time). "Wanna go make love?" Camilla asked her. "Ok." Miria responded before they went arm in arm to the Riverwood Traders for sex. "Those poor, poor souls..." Alvor said looking at the bar. His wife came up behind him and said "Don't you feel sorry for them or I won't put out for a month!" "Yes dear." he quickly answered. Alvor's daughter came up to him. "Papa, what does 'put out' mean?" Alvor looked at her. "I'll tell you when you're older." he told her. She waited a few seconds and said "I'm older now.", causing her dad to face-palm.
That night, the cloaked figure that brought Trock, the big motherfucker from the cave, back to life, quietly entered the town. A guard walked up to him. "I'm sorry sir, but the town is closed right now." The cloaked figure whipped a bolt of magika at the guard. The bolt hit the man and disintegrated him. The guard's helmet was the only thing that didn't melt into goo. The figure drifted away from the helmet that was laying near the town entrance and went over to the decapitated body of Trock. The figure held out a gloved hand that once again began to glow purple/black as raw magika crackled around it. The cloaked being flung the orb at Trock who again began twitching as his head grew back. When his head was regrown, Trock stood up, his eyes still completely black and his teeth still fangs. "The world is fucked once again! I. AM. RE-..." A tree fell on top of Trock and squished him, blood and organs splattering all over the place. One of the two midget tree cutters looked over at Trock's now pancake sized body. "Damn it, not again!" Enraged, the cloaked figure hurled a fireball at the midgets, burning them alive. Hearing their screams, the entire town rushed outside. "What the fuck is going on?" Crownoh asked as he and Grog (both of which had at least one black eye, bruises and more than likely several broken ribs) rushed out of the bar. The cloaked figure turned its head to them, its hood falling off to reveal a vampire Argonian with no tail. "Crownoh!" the vampire hiss/screamed at them before its wings ripped through its cloak and flew away. "Well, there's something you don't see everyday." Lucien said as he looked to where the vampire vanished from sight. "Crownoh, are you ok?" Camilla yelled as she rushed over to him and embraced him." "Why are you still naked?" Lucien asked. "There are more important thing right now!" she scolded him before she but both hands on Crownoh's face and kissed him deep. "Hey, that's my man!" Miria, who was also still naked, yelled at her. "I don't see your name on him!" Camilla yelled back. "I'll show you!" Miria yelled as she tackled Camilla. The two naked women wrestled on the ground briefly before they started making out. Alvor's daughter pulled on his sleeve. "Papa, is that what putting out is?" "Time for bed!" Alvor said loudly before shooing his child back in the house.
"Fuck me, that's the dead guy's boss!" Crownoh said when he realized who it was. "Which dead guy?" Lucien inquired. "There's the town guard that was melted into goo, the midget tree cutters, Sven the bard and that big motherfucker that had his head blown off." "The big motherfucker. The one I killed like fifteen fucking times." Crownoh said before taking a shot of scotch. Mmm...scotch. "Shit, that fucking thing knew your name." Vin said as she sat next to him and poured him another shot. "You might wanna look into changing that." Miria said nodding the whole time. "But to what?" Crownoh asked. He looked around. Cup? No. Beer? Not a good idea since everyone might try to get free drinks from him. Chair? Nah, he didn't really want anyone to sit on him... unless it was an insanely hot woman. As he thought, another patron walked into the bar, his boots covered in mud. "Hey, wipe your fuckin' feet before you come in here." Delphine said to him. "Oh shit, sorry." the guy replied before wiping his feet on the mat. "Who wants chowder?" Grog asked as he walked over to his friends with several bowls of chowder. Crownoh slammed his fist on the table and yelled "THAT'S IT! THAT'S MY NEW NAME!" "Your new name is chowder?" Lucien asked. "No. Look at what that guy is standing on." Crownoh said pointing to the guy at the door. "A floor mat?" Clara asked as she cuddled up to her lover. "Yeah." Crownoh said. "From now on, my name is Matt. With two t's." he proudly said. Miria snickered. "Matt with two t's, that'll never stick." "Fuck you." Matt (formerly known as Crownoh) casually said to her. "Not yet you haven't." "That's what she said." Grog added. "Damn it." Miria growled.