I Am NOT Going Through Puberty Again!
or
A Naruto crackwut
By
EvilFuzzy9
Rating: T...ish
Genre: Humor/Parody
Characters/Pairings: Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Hinata; [NaruHina, SasuSaku]
Summary: Our heroes did not come from a future where everything has gone horribly wrong. They did not travel back in time to save the world from a bleak or miserable fate. As a matter of fact, all they want to do is find a way back home as soon as possible. [cracky, epilogue-compliant time travel fic]
Kurenai Yuuhi awkwardly shifted a standard issue flak vest over her torso, feeling dreadfully compressed under the dratted thing. She could hardly breathe in the damn vest, but she wanted to look good and professional for this meeting.
The things women sacrificed for their careers.
Still, though, this was like wearing a bloody corset, and Kurenai could not help but feel uncomfortably aware of the numerous byakugan eyes on her as she strolled up into the Hyuuga estate.
The part of her that was still an insecure young teenager wanted to cover herself and squeal pervert! at all the bulging veins and suspiciously pale eyes, even though the more logical, mature parts of her psyche scoffed at the idea of getting so worked up over the notion of being peeped on.
They lived in a ninja village, after all. ANBU knew the color of every last villager's morning constitutional, and privacy was one of the first luxuries a shinobi would learn to sacrifice on long term missions. Separating yourself from the rest of the squad just to bathe, change clothes, or... relieve yourself was just ASKING for trouble.
How could you trust your teammates with your life if you couldn't even trust them enough not to stress out over being seen naked? That was a lesson every halfway decent kunoichi had to learn. It was a good lesson for male ninja, too, at that.
Of course, there was that saying about what was okay on a mission not necessarily being okay in the village, but still...
Kurenai shook her head.
Trying to take her mind off of the painfully squished state of her chest, the illusion mistress glanced curiously at the tumbled wreckage of a nearby wall. Plaster dust, chunks of masonry, and snapped wooden beams were all heaped at the foot of a gaping hole. It reminded her a little of Asuma's first few tries at getting his burning ash jutsu down, minus the smoke and glowing cinders.
Branch house members scurried this way and that across the grounds. They carried building supplies and measuring tools, a nervous tension in the air as they murmured and gossiped. Kurenai caught a few brief snatches of their hushed conversations, listening in out of idle curiosity more than anything else.
"—yeah, he just woke up in the infirmary, and the first thing he did—"
"—says it's looking like over three hundred thousand ryo, as far as damages—"
"—I caught a glimpse of her, right after it happened... she looked like a thing possessed—"
"—just know this is coming out of my pension... should've invested in stocks—"
"—it's always the quiet ones, isn't it? Who would have thought she could—"
It would be untrue for Kurenai to say that she was not curious about what could have happened here. She was frankly gobsmacked to see the extent of the damages: the Hyuuga estate looked like it had been hit by a herd of stampeding buffalo.
It was troubling on one level, though also amusing on another. She had never exactly cared for the more stuck up sorts who tended to populate these old, wealthy bloodline clans, but one of her new students did live here. It would be a shame if anything had happened to her.
Hinata seemed like such a nice girl.
"Excuse me," Kurenai said to a passing clansman. "Would you happen to know where Hiashi-san is? I am here to talk with him about his daughter."
Team Eight had passed their true genin test with flying colors the day before, and Kurenai was honestly eager to start them on missions. Her nomination for jounin promotion had only recently gone through, and this would be her first time training a genin squad.
(She heard Kakashi had put off on testing his team, the slacker.)
A more sadistic part of the woman couldn't wait to see how the kids reacted to their first D-rank missions. If she'd had to suffer through them, then so would her students.
That was one rite of passage she would be very happy to continue, now that she was the jounin sensei who got to sit back, kick her feet up, and watch the newbie genin do all the dirty work.
Busy with thoughts of how Kiba in particular would respond to his first job as a ninja (not that she had anything against him, mind you – the loudmouth Inuzuka would just doubtless have the most entertaining reaction), Kurenai almost missed the Hyuuga blanching at her question.
"Ah," he said, gulping nervously. "You... so you're here about... Hinata-sama?"
Even if Kurenai hadn't been a seasoned, elite shinobi, she still would have seen the obvious anxiety in this individual's posture. He looked as white as death, and was frozen stiff. His tone of voice had traces of fear, and his eyes flicked nervously to one side.
"I'm her jounin instructor," she told the man, who looked like he might have been pushing fifty. "Hinata's a genin now, and there are certain things I will need to clear with her father before I can begin the girl's training."
The Hyuuga – who, judging by the absence of any markings on his bare forehead was probably a minor member of the main branch – nodded his head weakly, staring off into the distance and avoiding meeting Kurenai's eyes.
"Y-Yes, of course," he said distractedly, and if Kurenai had thought it were possible at this point, she would have sworn that he had somehow gone even paler. "I will fetch Hiashi-sama for you. Please wait here... ah..."
"Kurenai Yuuhi," she provided.
"Yuuhi-san, yes," the Hyuuga said, nodding again, with a distant look in his eyes. "I thought you looked familiar. Yes, yes. I will tell him you are here."
And then the man turned and scurried off, looking like he had a rabid ninja hound snapping at his heels.
Kurenai watched him go for a few seconds, curious as to why the man was acting so skittish. After a moment's thought, she shook her head and dismissed the matter, taking another look at her surroundings.
Surveying the grounds of the manor absentmindedly, she noticed that most of the damage seemed to have been done in a straight line. It looked almost like someone had just waltzed right on through the heavily warded walls and dozens of Hyuuga guards.
Kurenai cocked an eyebrow, unsure whether to feel curious or worried. She had seen blast-style experts from Iwa who left less destruction in their wake. Either there had been some kind of freak accident involving a ten pound crate of explosive notes, or a medium-large size summon had plowed right through the estate.
The level of destruction before her eyes was honestly impressive.
Idly wondering what could have happened here to have caused so much damage without warranting direct intervention from the ANBU, Kurenai once more shuffled her flak vest over a frame which had grown well beyond the uniform's original measurements in... certain areas.
If Kurenai ever found out who had gotten the bright idea to base standard flak vest sizes on male body types, she would have a few choice words for them.
(And people wondered why most kunoichi didn't wear these damn things?)
Kurenai blinked, then, distracted from her irritated reverie. She turned her head to see the head of the Hyuuga clan coming towards her. Hiashi's face was unreadable as he approached, and Kurenai greeted him with a short, perfunctory half-bow.
"Hello, Hiashi-san," she said. "May I have a word with you? It's about your daughter's promotion to genin..."
Hiashi nodded absentmindedly, and when he looked at her, he seemed to be staring off into the distance.
"Yes, of course," he said distractedly. "Hinata's promotion. I hope there haven't been any problems?"
The way he said problems raised one of Kurenai's eyebrows, but she shook her head.
"No, nothing like that," she told him. "It's mostly just a formality, but she is heiress apparent, and so I will need your express permission regarding certain matters..."
"Mm, yes," Hiashi mumbled, nodding. "Of course, of course... Come, let us speak inside."
He gestured vaguely for Kurenai to follow him, and she did.
It was with a grin on his face and a skip in his step that Naruto Uzumaki strolled back inside his apartment. Having enjoyed a nice long mental conversation/planning session with his wife, he was in a good mood, and feeling much less worried about screwing things up.
Rarely had the blond felt more grateful to his past/future/other self for taking the time and effort to reverse-engineer the principles of Old Man Rikudo's ninshu.
He'd actually used a crude form of it unconsciously back during the Fourth Shinobi War, when he'd bumped fists with his father to sync up their chakra while relaying his plan to save the allied ninja forces from the Shinju's omnidirectional bijuudama. And similarly when he had crossed jutsu with Sasuke, each of them reading one another's hearts in the heat of battle.
Working backwards from these instances, Naruto had eventually reverse-engineered his own variation of the Sage's spiritual communication technique (with a good deal of help from Ino, whose specialization in yin-style mental ninjutsu was invaluable for working out the kinks). And with this technique, he was able to swap intel and communicate mentally at great length, with only a momentary brushing of fists.
He didn't entirely understand the mechanics behind his technique, but Naruto knew that it worked, and he and Hinata had come to some very important decisions during their brief mental communion.
That was a matter for another time, however. Right now, Naruto was rather preoccupied with a pair of familiar chakra signatures just outside his window.
Going over, and hearing it open, Naruto took a moment to stare at his teammates. Sasuke and Sakura were standing just inside his windowsill, a fragrant breeze wafting in from behind them.
"Hello, Naruto. Have you come back, too?"
That was Sakura speaking. Her hair was cut short, to about the length she had come to prefer in the future.
She was smiling – not a very wide or flashy grin, but rather just a slight, subtle quirking at the corner of her lips. It was a mild expression, showing just the slightest touch of general amusement.
Caution, too.
Naruto frowned slightly, flicking his eyes over to Sasuke. He met the Uchiha's onyx orbs, and the raven haired youth tilted his head ever so slightly: a quiet and subtle show of deference.
Blue peepers slid down, then, and saw the bandaged stub hanging out of Sasuke's left sleeve.
Naruto blinked.
Then he facepalmed.
"God-dammit, Sasuke..." he muttered. "You can never leave well enough alone, can you?"
The Uchiha quirked one of his eyebrows.
"And by that, you mean...?" he said slowly, probably in an attempt to verify what Naruto was talking about before actually spilling anything that might either incriminate them or get them tossed in an insane asylum.
"Your arm," Naruto groaned. "Why is it gone? Again?"
"It's symbolic," Sasuke said blandly, seeming to relax slightly when Naruto said again. "The hand I used when I tried to kill you is gone. Discarding it signifies my resolve to turn aside from the dark path I walked in my younger years. It's a sign of my penitence, and of my ultimate acceptance of your philosophy."
A beat.
Naruto stared at Sasuke, looking distinctly unimpressed.
"You know... I'm pretty sure you've tried to kill me plenty of times with your right hand, too," he drawled.
Sasuke rolled his eyes.
"Just because you don't appreciate the symbolism..." he grumbled irritably.
Sakura gave a weak chuckle, and a what can you do? sort of shrug.
"For what it's worth, he hadn't realize we were back when he ripped it off," she told Naruto. "And I did offer to reattach it for him, since we're, you know, in the past and all. But, well..."
A sigh.
"He burned it, didn't he?" Naruto deadpanned. He massaged his temples.
To his credit, Sasuke somehow managed to make himself look almost innocent when the Lord Seventh said this.
"Sorry," Sakura said, looking sincerely apologetic. "I tried to stop him, but..."
"No, no, it's okay," Naruto wearily interjected, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Honestly, compared to what Hinata did..."
"Oh? She came back too?" Sasuke said.
"Yeah."
Sakura frowned. "Wait, what did she do?" she wondered.
Naruto coughed, and avoided looking in his teammate's eyes. He appeared awfully sheepish.
"Um... well, the rest of her clan might be under the impression that she's another Itachi waiting to happen," he mumbled.
Sasuke and Sakura winced.
"Yikes," the latter murmured. "So much for not changing things, huh?"
"At least she won't have to worry about being called weak this time around," Sasuke said, trying to look on the bright side.
Naruto and Sakura shared a sweatdrop.
"...that's certainly one way of looking at it," the former mused. "Not necessarily the right way, but it's valid."
"It might cause more headaches in the long run, though," Sakura added, "for them to think of Hinata as strong. She'll be under more scrutiny, for one thing."
"She might also be granted more freedom of movement, on the flipside," Sasuke responded. "Which could be very useful, if we plan on figuring out a way to get back to our own time."
"... ... ... How would we even do that, actually?" Sakura wondered, chewing her lip thoughtfully. "If we don't know how we wound up going back in time in the first place."
"Well, first we'd need to find a time travel jutsu," Naruto said. "Y'know, to get an idea of the mechanics we're working with."
"But there's no way to know which ones are real," Sasuke muttered. "Right? Not without trying them. That's why you sealed such techniques away, whenever you came across an alleged one."
"Yeah, that's true..." Naruto said with a grimace. "There's no real way to know which jutsu will work, if any. And while I suppose I could maybe figure something out from scratch, with enough time and the right resources, that'd take me years of trial and error."
A silence descended on the trio, their faces falling. Their brows were furrowed in concentration, and they all looked lost in thought.
"...no matter how you look at this, we're probably going to be stuck here for a while," Sakura whispered at length. "So we might as well get settled in for the long haul."
Sasuke gave his wife a sympathetic glance. She smiled weakly at him, seeming almost apologetic in her demeanor.
Naruto sighed.
"So much for not changing the past..." he grumbled, looking ready to throw his hands up in the air.
But there was the slightest twinkle of mischief in his eyes.
Inside a training dojo of the Hyuuga main branch, Kurenai Yuuhi was speaking to Hiashi.
"As you know, now that your daughter is a genin, she would ordinarily be expected to start going on missions," Kurenai said, choosing her words carefully. "And, of course, while she will only be doing D-ranks at first, it is to be expected that eventually she will have to do more dangerous jobs as well..."
She was inside an undamaged wing of the Hyuuga manor, a main branch dojo, speaking to the man as he distractedly sparred with a young girl: only just of age to consider entering the academy, from the looks of her. Probably another daughter of Hiashi's – she definitely bore a strong resemblance to the man, in a young and female sort of way.
Hiashi seemed oddly anxious, considering the stoicism his clan was usually known for, and his movements as he batted aside a clumsy knife strike from his probable daughter looked suspiciously jerky for a supposed master of the incomparably fluid and graceful gentle fist style.
"And such missions will invariably carry with them a certain risk to my daughter's life, correct?" Hiashi replied, his brow creased and furrowed.
"Indeed," Kurenai answered with a short nod. "And in this time of peace, with no immediate military threats to the village, it is naturally your prerogative as her father – and clan head of the Hyuuga – to request that she not be placed on such missions. As she is next in line to succeed you as clan head, I imagine that you might have... reservations... about Hinata needlessly risking her life."
"It would be well within my rights in this time of peace..." Hiashi murmured, distractedly sidestepping a quick yet badly telegraphed lunge from the young girl with whom he presently sparred. "...to request that my daughter be held back from dangerous missions."
"This is a right afforded to all clan heads in peacetime," Kurenai said, sounding like she had spent most of the previous night rehearsing this speech. "With no war to be fought, the village has an acceptable surplus of manpower, and there are no priorities which would supercede that of ensuring the succession of clan leadership."
Hiashi made a face, and absentmindedly struck a light blow to his likely-younger-daughter's shoulder. The girl winced, but nonetheless skipped back and corrected her stance appropriately. Beads of sweat trickled down her face, and she was panting heavily, but her eyes were hard and determined.
Gripping the training kunai tighter, the young girl made another sharp lunge, this time sidestepping at the last second. She rotated, and managed to score a glancing hit at the belt of the clan head's kimono. Had the knife been sharpened, the girl probably would have made a rip in the cloth; maybe even drawn a thin line of blood across Hiashi's hip.
Kurenai raised an eyebrow, mildly surprised that a person as famously strict and fastidious as Hiashi Hyuuga would allow any trainee to land a hit on him with such an amateurish strike. The girl's combat form still left a lot to be desired, and she herself would have made several more corrections to her stance before even resuming the spar.
Either the man was slipping as he approached middle age, or he was seriously distracted.
"Hiashi-san?" she interjected. "Would you like to continue this discussion outside?"
She said this politely enough, gently reminding the man of her presence. If what she had to say was making him worry so much as to slip up this egregiously in a training spar, then perhaps it would be in everyone's best interest if he postponed this lesson and devoted his full attention to their present conversation.
The man blinked owlishly, looking as though he had suddenly been woken from a daydream. He shook his head, and for a moment Kurenai took this as a silent dismissal of her suggestion, but then he held out a hand and said:
"That's... enough for now, Hanabi. Continue practicing your forms in here," he told the girl (and now that Kurenai had her name, she no longer had to keep mentally referring to Hanabi as 'the girl'). "I will speak with Yuuhi-san outside."
Hiashi then turned and followed Kurenai out the nearby door, making the woman wonder briefly why he had even led her inside in the first place. Before she could ponder further on the matter, however, she heard a strangled yelp from behind her.
The sound caught her off guard, and a ninja caught off guard was a very dangerous thing.
Reacting immediately, Kurenai had her hands up and ready to start weaving seals, over a decade of combat experience preparing the woman to leap into action at the drop of a hat. Crimson eyes for which she had been named flicked intently over her surroundings, every fiber of the woman's being tensed and ready to fight.
What she saw made her blink owlishly. Once, twice, three times. She stared blankly at the clan head of the Hyuuga, dropping stiffly and disbelievingly out of her combat stance.
Weakly, Kurenai shook her head.
Hiashi Hyuuga was halfway up the dojo wall, looking like a princess who had just seen a mouse or a poisonous viper. This hardened war veteran and elite jounin-class shinobi, a man renowned far and wide for his visual prowess and martial skill, was staring bug eyed, petrified, at the cutest and most harmless thing Kurenai had ever seen.
"Hello, father," said Hinata Hyuuga, greeting Hiashi with the sweetest of grins. "Kurenai-sensei," was added as an afterthought, the girl nodding politely in said woman's direction.
Kurenai blinked again.
She looked from Hiashi, to Hinata, to Hiashi again.
"...Did I miss something?" she said, feeling like she had been left completely out of the loop.
Hinata smiled, and waved a hand dismissively.
"Oh, it was nothing, sensei," she said cheerfully. "Just an unfortunate misunderstanding. I assure you it won't happen again."
She bowed towards her father, then, who was still cowering and clinging to the wall like some kind of silky-haired spider. It seemed the last part of that statement was addressed as much to Hiashi as to her.
Kurenai was at a loss.
"Uh... what?" she said. "Er. So, um... do I have your permission, Hiashi-san?"
The Hyuuga clan head blushed, looking distinctly flustered, and he cleared his throat (though he didn't come down from the wall).
"Y-Yes, of course," he said, audibly trying to maintain his composure. "Do whatever you wish. I give you full clearance to supervise my daughter's training." He then paused. "Er, unless, of course, you would like to say otherwise, Hinata...?"
He glanced nervously at the girl, who replied with a soft smile and short shake of her head.
"No," she said. "I will be happy to study under Kurenai-sensei and broaden my horizons."
Hiashi nodded nervously.
"Well, okay then!" he said almost a little too eagerly. "That's that. Ahem, er... yes, feel free to go along. I'm sure your teammates are waiting for you, um, dear."
Hinata smiled a little wider, and nodded.
"Thank you very much, father," she said with another bow, before turning to Kurenai. "Well, then. Shall we be off, Kurenai-sensei?"
The genjutsu expert nodded dumbly, bemused.
Hinata clapped her hands together gently, and nodded, before quietly turning and walking off. Kurenai, at a loss for words, followed the girl to the training grounds where Shino and Kiba would probably be waiting soon enough for their first official mission.
Kurenai felt like she would be happy to pitch in.
D-ranks were mind numbingly dull, but at least they made sense.
"596-03," Naruto said.
His teammates stared at him blankly.
"...Eh?" said Sakura.
"A delivery ninja," the blond elaborated. "He's someone I... uh, met in the past. Er, future." He frowned. "...other timeline?" A pause. "Yeah, let's go with that."
"What would you need a delivery ninja for?" Sasuke inquired, looking a touch curious. "I don't recall you ever using such services during your tenure as hokage..."
Naruto averted his gaze, looking distinctly sheepish.
"Umm... well, let's just say that me and Pervy Sage kinda got ourselves blacklisted by them during our training trip. Those guys don't mess around when it comes to their 'no-ship' list."
Sakura blinked.
"Oh, I think I heard about that... it's the same reason you wound up taking on Jiraiya-sama's mantle as author of the Icha Icha series, right?" the pinkette said.
"I still can't believe you read that... smut," Sasuke added in a mutter, rolling his eyes.
Sakura shrugged.
"It's very entertaining smut," she said flippantly. "Say what you will about his research methods, but Jiraiya-sama knew how to write an engaging novel."
"More's the pity he never managed to get an audience outside of that thinly-veiled porn," Naruto sighed. "I would've loved to see a sequel to his Legend of a Gutsy Ninja..."
He shook his head, then, and waved a hand as if to physically dismiss this particular tangent.
"But, anyways... my point is, I can use their services now, since..." he blushed. "Ahem, that incident never happened, now." He gave Sasuke a meaningful look. "Seeing as how some of us have already gone ahead and started changing shit... I figure I might as well throw caution to the wind."
"What's the worst that could happen, right?" Sasuke drawled.
Sakura nodded.
"I wonder what you have in mind, though... Hokage-sama?"
Sasuke smirked, catching onto his wife's distinctly obeisant tone.
There was only one reason Sakura would speak so deferentially to their teammate, and that was if she wanted something from him. Last time she called Naruto hokage-sama, the medic ninja corps had experienced a four-fold increase in funding.
It had only been until the other departments raised a stink over the obvious favoritism, but still that one sentence had afforded the hospital several much-needed upgrades and new pieces of equipment. Naruto may have long ago grown out of his precocious crush on Sakura, but he still had something of a soft spot for the woman.
The Honorable Lord Seventh chuckled nervously, puffing up visibly at Sakura's remark. His cheeks pinkened, and he sheepishly scratched the back of his neck.
"Gee, Sakura, it always sounds so flattering when you call me that~" he chirped, looking quite giddy. "But, well... I guess I have wondered what it might have been like if I could have found some way to reach out to certain people earlier. Especially knowing what I know now..."
His eyes twinkled, and Sasuke couldn't help but get a shiver down his spine. He knew this look all too well.
Shikamaru had once said that there was nothing more dangerous than an idiot with an idea. And the couple of idiots standing before him were hands down two of the most dangerous people on the face of the earth.
"It would be very convenient to have Tsunade-sama back in the village," Sakura said faux-offhandedly, batting her eyelashes at Naruto in an almost sickeningly cute fashion. "And she IS family of yours, after all..."
Sasuke hummed thoughtfully. He scratched his chin as though stroking an imaginary beard, a spark of slightest mischief in the depths of his eyes.
"My brother is still alive," he said, making it out as though he were just muttering this absentmindedly. "And Danzo is still kicking around, kicking puppies and all that."
Naruto grinned.
"That's one person I regret not being able to get to before he kicked the bucket," he remarked. "It seems a real shame that such undying conviction should have been wasted on his own selfish machinations..."
Sakura smirked.
"You have a plan," she observed.
"I wouldn't call it a plan..." Naruto replied. "More like a few crazy, half-baked ideas."
Sasuke laughed.
"That's our hokage..." he drawled.
Naruto puffed up proudly, and Sakura giggled.
"First things first, though," the pinkette remarked. "We should probably get to the training grounds. Today's the day of the bell test, and it's getting close to when Kakashi-sensei should arrive."
Sasuke and Naruto shared a look.
They grinned, a shared thought passing between them.
Payback time.
A/N: Why would Naruto and Sasuke want payback on Kakashi, you ask? Well, let's just say... chuunin exams (and I don't mean the story arc!) ;P
Also, Kurenai has no idea what the hell is going on, and the Hyuuga are absolutely terrified of cute little Hinata. XD
And I know I should probably work on the next chapter of Unbiased, or any number of my other things that haven't been updated in ages, but this fic is getting loads more feedback than just about any other fic I have done, non-smut OR smut, and is still really fun and easy to write.
Woke up at 5:30 this morning, btw, and am feeling dead on my feet.
YAAAWWN.
Updated: 12-6-14
TTFN and R&R!
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