letters to cam

by oliviasaundersxx

"I feel alone here, And cold here, But I don't want to die" - Cut, The plumb. Two weeks after cam's death, Dallas isn't dealing with it well, He's becoming a stranger to himself. Not showing up to hockey, drinking and skipping classes. He starts writing to cam, will it help or just lead him farther down the same path that cam took?.

3. Chapter 3

29th April 2013

dear cam,

my friends are getting worried. they think i should stop writing in this notebook, they think that it's just so easy to set this down and never pick it up, but it's not, you are a relief, a distraction, you are my distraction from you, it sounds crazy, i know.

i talk to you when i'm sad, nervous, angry, and you listen, not even asking for anything in return.

cam, can you come back? i know you can't but i just really want you to, i wan't you to walk through the halls of degrassi and smile, make me smile. Make Maya smile?

but you can't because that's not how life works.

i hate how life works.

guess what cam, maya hasn't even touched her cello since you died, i heard she put it in her basement and refused to look at it, i want to tell her that you wouldn't want her to do that but i know that you wouldn't want me to do a lot of the stuff i do.

and i guess i'm kinda afraid to talk to her.

i think she blames me, she blames me like i blame ali, she blames me like i blame myself, she blames me like she blames zig.

there is so much blame, and i can't stop it from happening, i can just watch from my own body and hope that it stops on its own, when it's not going to, nothing ever just stops on its own, well unless you jump off the roof of the school and die, cam.

we're you roaming the hallways the day that the school found out you died, you probably saw me shatter the ice hounds glass show case, screaming at ali, standing on the roof, i thought about jumping cam, i did, i wanted to be with you.

i wanted that constant feeling of blame and guilt to just stop, it didn't and it still hasn't.

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cam, i used to think i was on top of the world, getting ready to be drafted, dating, just being a teen. but it all ended.

i was a complete dick to you cam.

everything i can't be, was everything you would've been, that's why you need to be here, i was completely jealous and now you're dead and i'm jealous of you for that to.

i want you to tell me why i can't be happy cam, but then i realize you're dead, and you can't answer my question.

but maybe you being dead is the reason i am so sad.